Warnings: Vampire AU, No Mafia, Fluff and Crack, Friendship, Humor, I reiterate, CRACK,

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Tsuna's new apartment had a vampire living in the basement.

It was a testament how strange his life had gotten that he barely even blinked.

Of course, he didn't find out about it from the real estate agent showing him around. The basement was secret, hidden and kept locked away, the trap door cleverly disguised under the carpet.

Tsuna found out about it when, deeply asleep, fangs pierced his neck and all of a sudden –

"EURGH!"

-there was a cry of disgust.

Tsuna blinked awake, rubbing the sleep from his eyes while his other hand groped for the lamp switch at his bedside table.

The light illuminated the place face of a distraught man – vampire – his mind whispered, noting the fangs dripping with blood, the pale skin and the red eyes. He would have been handsome if his face wasn't contorting to express himself. He also would have been very intimidating if he wasn't currently rubbing his fangs with a handkerchief desperately.

"What, who?" he mumbled. Tsuna absentmindedly touched his neck and it came away smeared with blood. "Wait, did you bite me?"

In the face of the vampires disgust and indignation, Tsuna felt inappropriate amusement. (He blamed Takeshi. He really did.)

"I have anemia," he felt compelled to say. "It's something I've had since high school."

"That sludge running in you is disgusting," the vampire growled, like Tsuna's blood personally offended him. Maybe it did? Tsuna didn't really know vampires.

"Sorry," Tsuna said on reflex. "But I can't help it!"

He was apologizing for not being appetizing enough. His excuse was sleep deprivation.

The vampire scowled, which was a better expression than disgust.

"Have you gone to your healers? What is that term you humans use?"

Tsuna was too sleepy to deal with the inevitable rant. He'd heard enough from Hana every day.

"Talk to me later," he groaned. "Or kill me. I don't have enough sleep for this." With that, he rolled over and pulled the blankets over his head.

The vampire squawked like an offended bat, but Tsuna, having lived through Takeshi and Hibari attempting to date in high school and the subsequent collateral damage of their break-up, didn't even budge.

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The vampire could, apparently, only wait until four in the morning. This resulted in Tsuna having only three hours of sleep and gulping down an entire pot of coffee in self-defense.

"I have searched your internet," the vampire said, dramatically throwing himself on Tsuna's new sofa. "And I have found you a doctor. I have set an appointment at 7:30 today."

Tsuna's brain rebooted. He raised the coffee pot like a shield. The liquid inside sloshed sadly.

"I can't!" he protested. "I have a board meeting today and a lunch date with my girlfriend. And after that, I'm meeting Enma for a possible company merger. I have literally no time at all."

The vampire glared, offended.

"You will go to the appointment or you will suffer."

Tsuna raised an unimpressed eyebrow. He'd heard better from Hibari. Scratch that, he'd heard better from Xanxus.

The vampire hissed, sounding exactly like Kyoko-chan's pet cat.

Hmmm…

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When Tsuna's sugar got mixed with the salt, he knew who the culprit was. It was such an unoriginal revenge that he wanted to educate Reborn - the freeloading vampire - the finer points of revenge pranking, if only to salvage his dignity. (After all, not all his bullies were caught by Hibari. Tsuna took passive aggressive pranking to an art form.)

Tsuna struck back by ripping off all the curtains. They were the heavy, dark type of curtains that blocked off the sunlight. When he had first seen it, he had just thought the previous owner didn't care about the aesthetic view of the garden. Now, after discovering the vampire in the basement, he knew it was actually a personal preference.

Reborn's cry of offense was wonderful.

"Now I can't sneak in your bed for a bite," he pouted.

Tsuna raised an eyebrow.

"Well, after you taste better," he amended.

Tsuna resolutely did not go to the doctor's appointment.

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"Go to your appointment!" the vampire called from the depths of the basement.

Tsuna sat in the pool of sunlight and ignored him, quickly working through three worksheets all at once. The vitamin D was good for him anyway.

"The sun is going to set eventually," Reborn added threateningly.

Tsuna smirked, looking at the blessed chain he'd wound around the basement door. Kyoko-chan had really strange hobbies.

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The vampire blinked twin pools of sadness at him, eyes glistening with unshed tears and reflecting misery and tragedy and –

Nope. Tsuna looked away resolutely. The cat analogy was getting stronger.

"You can't keep neglecting your health," Reborn pleaded.

"Oh my gosh, why are you this invested in my health?" Tsuna demanded, caving in. "Are you this ridiculous about all your food sources?"

Reborn bared his fangs. Tsuna, who had seen the vampire wailing dramatically at a pool of sunlight because Tsuna had forgotten to close the curtains, rolled his eyes.

"I worry about you," he replied. "You smell terribly unhealthy."

For a moment, Tsuna was touched.

"I mean," the vampire continued. "It's uncomfortable for me. I'm used to killing things quickly, not smelling something slowly dying. It's awful."

Tsuna took it back, he really, really wanted to hit the stupid vampire.

In retaliation, he cooked garlic bread.

The scent was immensely strong and it permeated everywhere. Reborn practically barricaded the trapdoor.

Tsuna could hear him wailing about his poor, abused nose and rolled his eyes.

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"If I promise not to bite you, will you go to your appointment?" Reborn wheedled, hanging upside down from the ceiling and generally acting like a nuisance.

Tsuna, doing his laundry, flicked soapy water at him, making the vampire hiss like a wet cat.

"Nope," Tsuna said firmly. He'd read recently in an online article that being firm with your pets was a must. If Reborn kept up his good behavior of not ambushing Tsuna when he was going down the stairs in the morning, he might bring home some blood from the butchers.

"Surely you must be concerned about the state of your liver?" Reborn said slyly.

Tsuna put on earphones.

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"You got a pet cat?" Hana said, looking alarmed.

Tsuna stifled a giggle at the thought of Reborn with cat ears.

"Yeah," Tsuna said with a straight face. "His name is Reborn and he's very…touchy."

"Oh god," a secretary chimed in, looking pleased. "I know exactly what you mean, boss. My boyfriend had a cat exactly like that. He'd bite and scratch if you touched him without warning. The cat had to be the one to go near you."

Tsuna laughed until he cried.

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LOL.

Reviews please.

Don't take this fic seriously, this is CRACK.