Summary: It's been months since Lena found out about Kara lying through Lex and Kara had known something was wrong between them afterwards. Lena had made every excuse under the sun to avoid her since and Kara wasn't dumb, she knew, she suspected the reason for Lena's recent behavior. Now, nearly half a year since their relationship became so strained Lena hadn't seen Kara in half that time, Kara lands on Lena's balcony after solar flaring and being shot out of the sky by a sniper ready for her. Blood smeared everywhere and Kara didn't have the strength to move as Lena came rushing over to a dying Kara.

Will Lena ever forgive Kara when her life isn't in danger? If she's on her death bed, is that the only time Lena will willingly see her, Kara wonders as she lays on the ground with a pale Lena trying to get her to safety behind her bulletproof office windows. Maybe they could have been more if she had just told Lena her secret and her feelings, instead of this limbo they were in. Lena saving Kara's life while Kara was trying so hard to stay dead, to linger in a state near death.

Chapter 1

I Just Miss You

My days without you, I can't focus on anything

Never, no more

Even if I regret it, everything is over

I don't even have the confidence to turn this around

You kindly come to me and shake me again

Oh no, oh no

Stop holding onto my heart

Only looking at you and crying for you seems foolish

Oh no, oh no

This is not love

Six months since Lena had started acting strange. No, not strange really. Just plain old avoiding Kara's every call, text, and surprise visits that ended up not being a visit. Visits implied you were seen by the person you were trying to actually see. It implied you had spent some amount of time together. Despite being best friends … Lena and Kara had not spent more than an hour with each other since Lena started avoiding her and giving reasons for why she couldn't see Kara. Kara's chest ached when she thought about it too long, her lungs felt stuck with emotion, and her eyes became wet no matter how hard she tried not to let it show. The disappointment was slowly turning into painful understanding. She had waited too long and either someone else had told Lena or Lena had figured it out on her own at this point. And it hurt so much to realize that all of the wasted chances she'd had over the years meant losing the one person who meant the most to her outside of her family … well, Lena had been family at one point. Kara was probably enemy number one now instead of the person Lena would turn to for comfort any time something happened and shook her world like Jack's passing, Lillian's betrayal, and the countless other things that had happened to her.

Love, I pretend that I'm fine

That I don't love you even though I do

I can't do it

Crying, crying

Love, I try to take it back

But you're already gone

I'm endlessly

Crying, crying

Kara took a shaky breath and looked around at her empty apartment. There were no more game nights without Lena because she was her perfect partner during every game night … until she left. And no more movie nights unless Alex came over and forcibly fed Kara food while attempting to watch the horror movies that they used to just love making fun of for poor plots or dumb decisions. No, nothing was the same without Lena there. Food tasted like the ashes of her home planet, colors looked dull without Lena's beauty to appreciate things and make everything more beautiful and brighter, living was the same as being dead when you found you had nothing to find any amount of joy in doing.

I open my eyes and after coming to my sense,

You're not here

I rub my eyes and look around, but you're not here

I close my eyes again and open them

But still,

You're not here

I thought I would be fine without you

But I keep looking back at our memories

Tears and memories spill out as if I'm vomiting

Everything is over, stop, for you and for me

Would Lena ever come back here again? It was a miserable existence without Lena to make everything better in Kara's life. Even pot stickers tasted better when they were from Lena. Now everything was bland and muted, like a world without color, sound, and everything was tasteless, a world in which she could only perceive things through touch alone. It made her life feel worse than dull. She'd prefer it if her life were just boring rather than this world of grief because she was grieving, grieving the end of the relationship she had with the person she loved more than anything in the world. The one person who had made her better. Kara would give anything to get it all back, to get Lena to come back and be with her again.

No one at work suspected a thing was wrong because Kara still left for her supposed hour-long lunch breaks, but just spent the time writing her articles above the clouds where no one could see her if she occasionally broke down crying where no one could see her even with a telescope or binoculars. When she came back from supposedly eating, no one would bat an eyelash at her, give her a second look to see her eyes were just a bit puffy, and she made sure that her eyes were no longer red-rimmed and that none of her makeup was running. Having glasses to hide behind had never been so convenient.

And then something else added to her stress. It had been a long time coming though. Kara was asked to go interview Lena about some new technology unfolding. Despite Kara's assertions that someone else might be better suited, Snapper insisted she go since she was friends with Lena. Kara had almost broken down and just said that he forgot to add that she had been Lena's friend and that it was no longer the case at the moment. She almost said that they hadn't even spoken directly for over three months now. But no, she held her tongue and requested an interview with Lena through Jess. Surprisingly, Lena had accepted apparently and the entire time had been stilted and restricted to work-related topics only. Kara hadn't been surprised by that. And then as Kara was getting up to leave, feeling cold inside even though she had never experienced cold on earth before, Lena asked if she was feeling okay because she looked a little pale and thinner than Lena remembered.

With the fakest smile Kara had ever given anyone she said she was fine. That smile wobbled and cracked like Kara's heart. Kara wasn't sure if Lena had meant to say it out loud, but Kara heard it, the single word that reminded her of happier times between them, "liar," she'd said. But this time, it wasn't under the same context as when she'd been grief baking two years ago. Kara pretended she hadn't heard that more than likely slipup and told Lena goodbye. She left before Lena could say anything else and felt an unusual throbbing in her chest when she turned her back on Lena and practically flew out the building with how quickly she was walking away. Kara spared a single second to tell Jess to have a nice day over her shoulder before the door had even slammed shut with her haste. It was probably obvious she wasn't quite human with how quickly she had moved to the elevator but, again, why did Kara care if either of these people knew her secret now? Lena obviously knew and Jess had probably suspected for some time because of how many times Kara had done something slightly less than human.

You kindly come to me and shake me again

Oh no, oh no

Stop holding onto my heart

Only looking at you and crying for you seems so foolish

Oh no, oh no

This is not love

Only Alex knew the reason why Kara was so desolate and despondent. James and Winn had obviously noticed the less than chipper Kryptonian but neither knew why Kara was the way she was and she didn't have the strength to say the words out loud, that the relationship that had fulfilled her for years had come to a horrible end. No, saying something like that out loud would only make it real. Doing something that outwardly acknowledged it made it reality instead of something she could pretend was make believe. A nightmare only she was awake. The opposite of the Black Mercy, Red Mercy. Perhaps that would have been a lovely explanation for this. But no, it wasn't the Red Mercy, it was Kara's actions, or lack thereof. She knew it was her own fault she was experiencing this nightmare. If Kara could live in the world of the Black Mercy and die right now … she would. She'd take it over this pain.

Love, I pretend that I'm fine

That I don't love you even though I do

I can't do it

Crying, crying

Love, I try to take it all back

But you're already gone

I'm endlessly

Crying, crying

Kara Danvers, synonymous to sunshine in Kryptonian form to those who knew her true identity was now more like the blackest night, no moon to reflect the light of the sun at night on earth's surface. No more. Even though Kara hadn't confirmed Lena's reasons for becoming so distant, she had overheard it by accident one day when she had gone to talk to Lena after the first week of suffering near radio silence. "Never again will I trust you, Kara Danvers. I'll never let you in again." That had been the catalyst for Kara to begin to almost frantically reach out to her only to be pushed away even more than before, as if Lena knew what Kara was trying to do and she wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Perhaps there was more truth to that than Kara realized. Every call unanswered, every text message ignored, every attempt at a visit rejected, and the biggest surprise was that Lena hadn't banned Kara from the office. Maybe that was just to keep things professional.

No, I'm not the me that I used to know

I know this is just a part of life

But every time I breathe

I hate you

What was life anyways? A collection of moments with those you come to care about as they fill your life with meaning? What was life when that meaning was taken away like it meant nothing at all to the other person then? Did life have any true meaning without someone to share it with? Life without Lena was meaningless to Kara now that she would never have her love again. It didn't matter if they stayed friends forever.

I can't sleep all night and I try to comfort myself

Saying it's alright

But I can't help it, I can't take it back

I only have regrets that are too late

Deep bags were accruing under Kara's eyes as she tossed and turned every night. She couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't smile genuinely. Was this what it meant to be sick? She had never experienced a human illness so she hadn't experienced illness in nearly two decades. The closest she'd gotten to feeling sick was when Kryptonite was involved, but that was more of a poison than legitimate illness. Kara wouldn't even care if someone had some Kryptonite and stabbed her clean through the chest with it right now. It would have been a relief from this bland life. No, it wasn't even bland, it was just pointless now. What was her life without Lena? Everything Alex had done brought no comfort to the devastated person Kara had become.

I don't mind so don't cry

Love, you were different, you changed me

Now I think I know everything

No matter how much I push and shove you away

Only looking at you and crying for you seems so foolish

Everything about life had become heightened with Lena as a bright spot in her life and so the high ended with Lena leaving her. It was a worse crash than a drug addicted after they lost their high and needed more drugs to fulfill them again. Her first high was meeting Lena, her addiction was not being able to go a day without seeing her, and her crash left her in her lonely misery. Kara wasn't sure when Alex was going to stop trying. She might never stop. But Kara couldn't even feel it. Nothing was the same without Lena. Love had given her life more meaning than she knew was possible. So life without Lena was pointless. Life had no meaning without her.

Love, you were different, you changed me

Now I think I know everything

No matter how much I push and shove you away

You are my everything that can't leave me

I wanna go back

I couldn't love anyone but you

Anyone who knew Kara well would be able to see how much love had changed her. She had been content in life before, so she was happy and so bright. And then Lena came into her life looking like an angel on this earth. Everything became so much more with her there. And she felt true happiness then. She experienced euphoria and became exuberant. If anyone thought she had been a ray of sunshine before, it was nothing compared to her after Lena showed up and made Kara feel more than she thought was even possible.

When she dated Mon-El, it was with the thought that Lena didn't see her that way. But she was still in her life and her rock, her gravity, her center. Every day without her was another day less than worth living for. How could Kara survive this long without that light in her life? Kara was surprised she hadn't died yet from this heartbreak.

Everyday was dark and just as miserable as the last no matter how hard Alex tried to help her through. Nothing would ever be okay again. Not without her angel next to her and making her see light in everything. Alex had tried to joke that she thought she was the pessimist between them. Kara didn't even smile. Just looked on blankly before saying "funny," like she meant anything but that word. Alex was never going to stop, she was never going to give up on her sister but she was beyond frustrated and worried about this version of Kara dropping dead.

In a bid to figure out what exactly caused them to fall apart, Alex had gone to see Lena only to see that she didn't seem to be doing much better than Kara was. Every question was answered with a non-answer, adding to Alex's worry and utter frustration. She was at her wit's end. Looking back on it, Alex realized that Lena must know the truth because she had been so cold. Honestly, Lena could have been worse. Probably knew that it wasn't Alex's place to tell her someone else's secret, even if it was her sister's secret. Lena hadn't been cruel, just curt and evasive. That was so like her though, locking her feelings away in fucking little boxes.

Was there anything Alex could do to fix her sister's broken life? Her broken heart wasn't going to mend without Lena's intervention. Lena was just as heartbroken and Alex didn't know if she could do anything about that.

X

Kara's powers blew out because these fucking Cadmus agents decided that having every alien weapon possible would have some desired effect on her eventually. There was some merit to that because it increased their chances of finding something that would work on her eventually. And it did work in sapping her of her strength and speed. She could still fly somehow and she used the last of her powers to get away when she was shot. Pain she had never felt before caused her to fall right out of the sky and, in a twist of fucking fate, right onto Lena's balcony. She caused a loud thud as gravity pulled her down to earth. Kara must have passed out because the next moment she felt herself being dragged somewhere and she didn't resist, wondering if those people were trying to finish her.

"Rao, in your light I was created and, in your light, I will go from this planet I was not born on," Kara said, sounding weak in Kryptonese.

"Don't you dare die Kara Danvers."

"Let me go," Kara's voice was barely audible.

"Kara Danvers. Don't you dare give up your life like this, do you hear me, Kara? Kara! Fuck!"

She must have blacked out again because the next moment she was somewhere that felt like a strong ray of sunlight but she couldn't bring herself to open her eyes. If this was the afterlife … she was ready for her death. Rao was waiting for her to come back to him. Her father, Aunt Astra, Uncle Non … her lost Kryptonian family … they were waiting for her to come back. Even though she was still angry with Non, the after life was for forgiveness of all sins while you were alive, right?

"Wake the fuck up!" Was that Alex's voice?

Kara wasn't sure what she was doing in Rao's light. Did Alex die too? Her heartbeat started going crazy and she felt herself slipping out of consciousness again when a warm hand touched her neck, pressing into her pulse and it warmed Kara, soothed her distraught, dying soul.

X

Alex was pacing back and forth where Kara lay, still a bloody mess from the gunshot wound that had punctured her through her stomach and cracked several ribs. Everything was a fucking mess and Lena was working through different treatments to make sure Kara didn't die. Dr. Hamilton had removed the bullet and Alex had been sick when the woman had done it to an essentially human Kara. She held back the bile powered through what needed to be done to save her sister's life as Lena did the same. Alex had been surprised with Lena's urgent phone call but less so when she realized that Lena had an injured Kara with her somehow. None of the details mattered as long as Kara didn't fucking die.

When had things become so fucked up? Alex continued pacing as she looked for things that might help her nearly dead sister.

I decided to go with another angsty post reveal fic with a different angle because I'm a masochist. Let me know what you all think. Song for this fic by Sistar is watch?v=3U_H3dt4hWg Please give it a listen because their vocals are amazing and sets the tone for the entire chapter so freaking well.

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