Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with awful metaphors in romance novels. I've put a number to use in this chapter and may in the next. I hope you get a good laugh out of this. I know I did while writing it. Oh and new followers, this is M because there is very adult content coming up.

Chapter Two

There was no way Marinette was ever going to reply to Chat Noir's query via Adrien's email address. As much as she wanted to get back at that blasted cat, she wasn't about to sully her crush's opinion of her. But then an idea came to mind. While she fully intended to give Chat Noir the list of romance novels which were more suited to wooing, she didn't want to encourage his pursuit of Ladybug for obvious reasons.

Setting up a new email obscure email address, Marinette wrote out one of the gaudiest pieces of romantic literature she'd ever come up with, adding a running commentary in bold for Chat Noir to snigger at. She just hoped Adrien passed it on without reading it.

Dear Kitty,

I know you requested a reading listing of preferable romance novels for your own education, but I decided that this might be just as helpful. After you sharing a number of 'enlightening' examples of awful descriptors for love scenes, I thought I'd share a number of examples I've come across in my time. As well as some lines that are so overused that I want to club myself over the head with a skillet.

This first one being: 'She wanted to climb him like a tree.' I swear if I ever see this line in a book again I will see how well it fairs as fire kindling. 'He was so hard he could pound nails' is another. That being said, I have included both in this unique piece of writing. Feel free to desecrate it in any form or fashion you deem necessary.

Now then, let's get down to the usual trope. The hero/love interest is always over six feet and built like pro wrestler and weighs 200 pounds – which means nothing to those of us familiar with the metric system. He is a millionaire and has slept with every sexpot bimbo that's crossed his path, yet somehow has managed to avoid picking up any sexually transmitted diseases. Then, by some miracle, he suddenly has eyes only for the heroine who is five foot nothing, of average appearance, flat chested, usually a virgin and needs saving from herself because she's lost the ability to use her own brain when in the hero's presence. Ugh.

What would be truly refreshing is a regular guy who's not loaded, maybe he's a plumber. Although he'd still have to be seriously hot. Instead of being an arrogant prick, he's kind and caring while secretly pining for the sweet heroine who just wants to be loved by a genuine guy looking for a monogamous relationship. Oh, and she'd be more experienced in the bedroom and he'd be okay with that because he's not an overbearing control freak with insecurities about his masculinity.

Now then, let's begin…

Story for Chat Noir

Take one…

Chase Skirt descended the steps of his personal jet as he loosened his tie. A tie he'd only just put back on after screwing the blonde air hostess with the gigantic tits (which would have worked perfectly as floatation devices on their own had the plane crashed into the ocean). Fanning himself with a couple of hundred-dollar bills, Chase pondered his next corporate takeover of Richard Cranium Enterprises.

Nope, scratch that.

Take two…

Chasity Belt smoothed down the black fabric of her dress as she stood before the mirror, admiring the transformation before her. Amazed that her best friend had been able to morph her from schoolmarm-lookalike to sex kitten. It was incredible what a well-padded push-up bra, tummy-firming undies and stiletto heels could do. Now Chasity hoped she could actually walk the whole twelve steps to her front door without breaking an ankle.

Egh, nope. Let's try again.

Take three…

With breathless anticipation, Chasity raced to her front door and opened it on the second knock. Despite having seen Chase just forty minutes prior, she was still blown away by his chiselled features. The piercing blue eyes and sharp jawline screamed of his incredible masculinity, yet was softened by his obscenely long eyelashes and kissable lips. Women everywhere would be crying for such features of their own. (Because oxymorons do not exist in romance novels. By some miracle he's got both masculine and feminine features yet is not androgynous. Go figure.)

Time came to a standstill as he eye-fucked her in return. (So classy.) Slowly taking her in from slinky black heels to expertly coiffed hair. His voice was a rumbling purr, "You're looking exceptionally beautiful tonight, Chasity. Luckily I'm here to give you something."

Brown doe-like eyes widened at his scintillating statement. Her mind went wild, imaging his perfect naked body over hers, his arms caging her in as he lanced his awe-inspiring steel rod into her silken channel. But those thoughts were cast aside as he held up an expensive bottle of wine for her viewing, making Chasity gasp at the sheer pleasure and surprise of it all. (Because let's face it, her brain has been disintegrated by her raging hormones.)

"You brought wine. That's so sweet."

A rakish smile stole across his lips. "Wine is always at its best when shared with a beautiful woman." (Flattery and alcohol, hmm where could this be going I wonder? Ha ha, like we don't know.)

Leading him inside with the sashaying of her hips, Chasity took the bottle to the kitchen. Quickly she rifled through the top drawer in search of a corkscrew but Chase caught her wrist, stroking her pulse point with his thumb as he closed the draw with his hip. "What are you looking for?"

"C-Corkscrew," she stuttered as butterflies fluttered in her belly at his very proximity. The predatory look in his eyes her had panties melting into liquid fire. (I'm not sure how exactly panties could melt. I don't think it's actually possible with cotton. Then again, I'm no scientistic but it would be kind of funny if her panties literally went up in flames with an unexpected flash!)

Breathing became difficult as he gazed at her with such blatant sexual hunger that her knees weakened, making her feel like a new born colt learning to stand. (Given a colt is a young male horse I always find this an odd description for a woman. Instead they should use filly since that's the female equivalent in horsey terms or just foal since it's gender neutral.)

Chase looked to the wine bottle. "It's a stelvin cap, meaning all I have to do is get my hands on it and persuade it open with a little show of muscle."

Why did his words sound so dirty? Any screw cap opened that way. Yet the underlying insinuation of what his hands and body were capable of had her gagging for more. "Sounds like you have the expert touch."

Again, that naughty smile and twinkle in his eyes had her craving a cold shower. Oh, who was she kidding, she wanted to climb him like a tree and rip off his clothes. (Because she's the size of a koala and he can totally hold her up for an insurmountable period of time because he's got muscles the size of basketballs. Oh wait, there's a large chance he would simply fall over from overbalancing because of her unexpected move, oopsies.)

Chase reached around her for the bottle, his blazing eyes never leaving hers as he expertly opened it with such an expression of raw masculine strength she wanted to let out a dreamy sigh. He cast her a meaningful look and Chasity realised that she was yet to retrieve the glasses for their beverage. Sending him a pretty yet flummoxed smile, Chasity turned to the cupboard to snatch up her best crystal wine glasses.

Amusement sparkled in his gaze. "Those are shiraz glasses, you wouldn't happen to have ones for chardonnay?"

Heat burned a path across her cheeks. Damn, he was so sophisticated. A wine glass was a wine glass as far as she was concerned. "Um, I don't think I do."

"It doesn't really matter. These will do fine." (In which case, why the hell did he mention it? Oh wait, because he's an arrogant prick who likes showing up others.)

Chasity picked up one delicate glass with a trembling hand and prayed he didn't observe just how eagerly nervous she was. Strong fingers curled over hers as he held her steady and poured the wine. His touch was electric, sending volts of desire to the centre of her being. (I have always hated that reference, sounds like her world revolves around her vagina.) Her nipples tightened into firm buds, hard enough to cut glass. (Yet her bra is mysteriously intact and unmarred. Shouldn't it be pierced with two nipple sized holes? Strangely enough, no.)

Sapphire eyes descended from her brown ones with unhurried interest. Every inch dropped was a scalding scrutiny. Her chest rose and fell faster with her increased respiration, drawing Chase's eyes to her modest bosom. He stared for a moment before flicking his eyes back to hers with a knowing smirk. "Thirsty for something else?"

"Yes," she gasped while taking a shaky step forward to grab his tie and drag his face closer to hers.

The wine glass slipped from her opposite hand as his lips came crashing down upon hers. The shattering crack was ignored as Chase's hands fisted in her hair, angling her head the way he wanted as he dipped his tongue into Chasity's mouth, demanding her surrender. (Heaven forbid they're actually equals in this situation. Wouldn't want to emasculate him by showing him as anything but alpha dominant. Oh and don't step on the broken glass, ouch.)

Chasity was helpless to resist, whimpering as his lips briefly left hers.

"Say you'll be mine for tonight." He demanded, his voice roughened and unyielding.

There was something utterly dangerous about him in that moment, however Chasity knew he'd respect her wishes if she pushed him away. But she didn't want to stop, all her pent up yearning was about to be rewarded. How could she possibly say no to this man now that he was in her arms? (Let's completely forget he's a known manwhore and delude ourselves into believing he actually wants more than a one night stand. Even though he's made his intent pretty clear and all he's ever pursued in the past is meaningless flings with supermodels and playboy bunnies. Wait, sex with a boring everyday virginal girl will make him actually remember he has a heart – which he left behind with his conscience many years ago, in a box, under the stairs with a boy who didn't know he was a wizard.)

"I will," she answered in a husky whisper, briefly imagining those words coming from both their lips at the altar. Her dressed in white, him stunningly handsome in a tux. Lovingly looking at her in a way that melted her heart. Knowing that they'd be together for all eternity.

Reality came crashing back as his hand dropped to cup her ass, pulling her firmly against his body. There was no mistaking the firm ridge beneath his zipper, steeling so hard he could pound nails. (Why would he want to pound nails with his dick? Can't you just imagine how many workplace safety rules he'd be breaking. Plus, it would hurt. Guys grab their junk in sympathy as soon as they even hear about another dude taking a strike in the goolies. Therefore, isn't a hammer perfectly acceptable when wanting to nail something? Oh wait, now I get the reference. Right…still sounds bloody awful.)

Skimming her hands up his chest, Chasity felt deep feminine satisfaction as Chase groaned his approval between kisses. Then he reached down, hooking his hands under her thighs to lift her into his arms. Chasity snaked her legs around his waist as she ground herself against his hardness. Longing to have him pierce her maidenhead and make her a woman. (Wow, that paints a picture I'd rather forget. La la la…)

By some primal reflex, Chase was somehow able to navigate them to her bedroom while continuing to kiss her. (Amazing since he's never been to her home yet has inbuilt radar in finding ladies bedrooms. I'd laugh if it was the linen closet.) They only came to a stop when Chase's knees hit the mattress. Chasity expected him to lie her down, instead he released her legs slowly until her feet were on the ground.

He stepped back, eyeing her with a smile. "You're so beautiful just like this, but I think you'll be breathtaking without the dress."

Chasity dipped her head feeling suddenly shy. But the caress of his voice and smoulder of his eyes emboldened her. Reaching to her back, she undid the zipper and shimmied the wide straps of her dress off her shoulders. The dress floated down her skin to pool at her feet. (I wonder if she can swim in it now. Look there's a pool at my feet – brilliant! Oh wait, it could mean some other type of pool, that's yellow and a result of not going to the toilet in time. Deleting last comment…)

A deep gasp sounded from Chase as he took in her slim body. That scorching gaze burned away her insecurities. The way he was licking his lips at the slight cleavage which taunted come hither and the scrap of lace covering her feminine treasure begging to be stripped away was almost too much. (Treasure, where? Does he need a map to located it? Oh wait, Casanova extraordinaire, he is the map.)

Stepping forward, Chase rested his hands on her shoulders and ever so slowly pushed her bra straps down the slope of her shoulders. He placed a kiss on the now bare skin on each side, before tugging down the cups to expose her love globes blessed with cherry nipples standing at attention. (The boobs went marching two by two hurrah, hurrah…)

"Need to taste you," Chase groaned as he dropped his head to take one bud of raw need into his mouth while he kneaded the other with his hand.

Chasity clutched at his head, her nails scraping his scalp as she rocked forward, needing more. Feeling like she would die if he stopped. (Because mouth to breast saves lives, people. Oh wait, I think I got that wrong.) She keened as he suckled her, imagining their future baby doing the same thing and her loins ached for his seed. (Right, because he's so thinking that too…not.)

Seeming to understand her desperation, Chase unhooked her bra and tossed it aside. Then his big hands moved to her hips, gripping her panties before he tore them asunder. (Why is it that panties are made with the consistency of tissue paper in this genre? They just rip right off without any resistance at all. Amazing. I'd like to see her try to rip his panties off.)

Thrilling shock had Chasity gaping at his male strength. Before she could make comment, Chase scooped her into his arms, bridal style, and laid her on the bed tenderly. It was only then that she realised he was still fully clothed while she was naked. Her hand reached up and began loosening his tie.

"Uh, uh," he chastised. "Not yet."

"But you're still dressed and I'm not."

"Patience," he crooned as his lips returned to her skin, blazing a trail down her body as she writhed beneath him. Chase paused as he reached the landing strip of her pubes. (I wonder if there's a little man there who waves in the incoming penises. Erections must be in the upright position prior to landing.) His hands moved to her thighs, easing them open as he sat back to admire her secret flower. (Now there's a garden? Wow, she really did need a trim down there.) With the lightest of touches, he parted her gleaming petals. "You're so wet for me."

"Yes," Chasity gasped as she opened her legs further. "Touch me, please."

That rakish grin was back as Chase lowered his head where she needed him. At first, he merely lapped at her sodden heat, driving her into a frenzy as he sucked on her inner pearl. (Oh, is that the treasure? I'm confused with all the mixed metaphors.) Each pull of his mouth had her crying out in euphoric moans. "Oh my God, oh my God, I'm going to come!"

Fireworks exploded behind her closed eyelids, (Sounds painful) and somewhere in the distance she swore she heard angels sing. (I thought sex outside marriage was considered a sin with Christianity so why would angels be happy about this?) Her bones turned to rubber as she sagged against the pillow, panting hard as she came down from the biggest high in her life.

Pure male satisfaction shone from Chase's eyes as he quickly stripped off his clothes and pulled a condom from his wallet. Only then did Chasity see how ginormous his velvet steel missile truly was. (Guaranteed to go ka-pow-ee, but always read the label before use.) She watched as he ripped open the foil packed and rolled on the latex.

"I always bring my own," he stated, "I need extra large ones to fit my length and girth." (Of course he does, and he's just so modest too.) With the condom in place, Chase slipped between her legs and hovered over her. "Plus, I need to protect you." (What, from your cheesy lines? Or the possibility of gestating your spawn for nine months?)

His thoughtfulness made her heart melt a little more. Chasity lifted her hand to stroke his cheek. "You're so considerate."

Chase gave her a warm smile. "You make me want to be a better man."

"I bet you say that to all the girls." (Wow, it's like she's reading my mind.)

A throaty chuckled rumbled from him. "Hardly."

But all ability to think was laid to waste as Chase reached down to rub the fat head of his throbbing member against her glistening flower. (Nice visual – you know I'm sniggering.)

"That feels so good," Chasity moaned as she rolled her hips, desperate for him to plunge his impressive manhood into her caves of delights. (WTF?)

"Do you want me in your little sheath? Do you want me to stretch and fill you?" Chase demanded to know as he rocked his hips, teasing her with just taste of his joystick.

"Yes, so desperately," Chasity called as she lunged for his posterior, grabbing his gluts as she tried to force him inside. (You can say ass. I dare you.)

"So greedy," he purred while dipping his love wand into her welcoming hole. (There are no words.)

Chasity raked her fingers across his back as he invaded her body in the most exquisite way. There was a pinch of pain and he froze.

"Are you a virgin?" (Well, duh.)

Panic had her biting her lip as she looked at him timidly. "Yes."

The slowest minute of her life passed by as he stared at her with indecision. Then his features relaxed as he took her by the hips and speared his length into her tight forge. "You're not anymore," he grinned as he lay over her. "Take a moment to breath. Then we're going to fuck like rabbits." (He's so romantic.)

Chasity did as he instructed, closing her eyes as he lavished her throat with kisses. When she was ready, she wrapped her legs around his and arched her pelvis. "I need you now. Make me feel like a woman." (Does that mean she was a man before?)

"Yes ma'am," he replied with a lopsided grin. Velvet smooth steel surged in and out of her body, driving her to a new reality where pleasure erupted in glimmering sparks of bliss with every thrust. "That's it, take all of me. Good girl." (Sounds like she's a dog. Who wants a yummy treat? Good girl.)

Chasity's moans escalated with the pump of his dick, "Yes, oh yes, more. I want to come!"

"Then let go as I fuck your brains out."

And then she was there, cresting the river of carnal pleasure to walk the shore of orgasmic bliss. Her tight sheath squeezed Chase's pounding member for all it's worth. He bellowed with fierce passion as he came, spurting hot ropes of thick baby-making batter into the condom. (Um, okay. If you say so.) Then collapsed on top her to nuzzle her neck.

"That was incredible," Chasity exclaimed as she held him in her arms while her heart threatened to burst at the wash of feelings. This had to be love. Did he feel it too?

"I was pretty spectacular, wasn't I?" He gloated as he rolled off her and pulled out. "I better clean this up."

Then he was out of the room and all Chasity could think was that she was going to win Chase's heart, no matter what it took. (Because there's nothing like the scent of desperation to attract a man. You go girl, or better yet, don't.)

And there we have a number of pointers in what is not appealing in terms of romantic descriptors. I hope you were taking notes. Tomorrow there will be a test.

See you then,

Princess M.