Disclaimer: I do not own Star Wars or anything that relates to Star Wars.

Summary: Padawan Ben Solo struggles to repel Snoke's odious influence while coming to terms with his feelings for fellow student Rey of Jakku.

Parings: Rey and Ben Solo [Reylo] [ReyBen]

Continuity: Jedi Academy AU; Rey is 19, Ben is 23.

A/N: This fic is dedicated to my wifey grlie-girl over on Tumblr for the prompt: "Poke me once more and see what happens." This is a "what if" scenario where Rey has grown up with Ben at Luke's Jedi academy. I made Ben 23 because that's about the age he fell to the dark side in the ST. Maybe things could have gone differently if he'd had Rey at his side back then. Enjoy! Set to Admiration by Incubus.

Admiration
Part I
By: sushigirlali

Could you move in slow motion?

Everything goes by so fast

Just slow down a little

Save the best part for last

Ben marched out of the Jedi training center with his hood up and his head down. It was a struggle to keep his composure given the electrifying events of the last hour, but he did his best to look inconspicuous since several students were congregated in the courtyard outside. Luckily for him, they appeared too distracted by Luke's latest lesson to pay him any mind.

"But what if you got stuck on some backwater planet during a mission and had to construct a lightsaber from scratch?!" an excited youth queried his friends. "Are synthetic crystals really suitable for Jedi?"

"Master Luke certainly thinks so!" a boy with a brown flat cap exclaimed. "He built a lightsaber with a synthetic kyber crystal on Tatooine and used it to single-handedly take out the entire Hutt Clan!"

"Single-handedly, huh?" Choking back a laugh, Ben imagined how his mother would react to the youngling's erroneous statement. "She'd probably shrug and say something about boys needing to get their heads out of their cockpits," he thought fondly, moving from cover to cover until he could slip behind the tall hedges that wrapped around the courtyard, "but deep down her blood would be boiling."

"The way I heard it, Princess Leia was the one who saved the day!" a girl with fiery red hair piped up as he passed. "All because she and Han Solo were…"

The trio's voices faded as Ben moved out of range of their conversation, not that he minded in the least. "Rey loves that story, but I'd rather not hear about the princess and the rogue for the thousandth time. They're my parents, but I've never understood how two people could..." Rey's knowing smile just before he rushed out of the training center flashed through his mind and his groin tightened in remembrance. "Never mind."

Adjusting his stride, Ben debated the best way to get back to his room undetected. Given the state of his traitorous body, it would be beyond embarrassing to get caught before he could calm down. Stopping only when he reached the end of the hedgerow, Ben opened his senses and peered around.

The temple grounds consisted of the training hall at his back, the dining hall to his left, and the archive building across the courtyard on his right. The living quarters were stationed directly behind the dining hall, but it was likely he'd bump into someone if he went through the communal facility since it was so close to dinner time.

Deciding it would be more prudent to go around the building instead, Ben skirted past the entrance and darted down a small footpath adjacent to the building.

About halfway down the lonely path, Ben realized he was sweating profusely under his thick robes and slowed down to compensate. "Force, it's hot," he huffed. "When did it get so hot? It was almost chilly this morning. But now..."

Ben trailed off as he neared the end of the walkway, but his mind was racing. "I wonder if Rey and I have anything to do with the change in temperature?" It was an odd thought, but they were intrinsically intertwined through the Force. And with the Force, anything was possible.

Pushing the notion aside, Ben emerged onto the dirt road that separated the temple from the living quarters and approached his hut. The structure was slightly secluded from the rest, shaded by a few ancient trees and surrounded by a well maintained rock garden. It wasn't much, but it was his.

Shouldering his way into the dark apartment, Ben closed and locked the door behind him before stripping out of his damp training uniform and tossing the heavy gray fabric onto the floor. Not satisfied, he shed his undergarments as well. "I'll have to hit the 'fresher later," he thought, wiping ribbons of sweat from his brow.

"For now, though…" Ben moved to the silver basin on top of his bookshelf and grabbed a rag to wash his face. The damp cloth was cool against his skin, like an ocean mist on a warm summer day.

Not for the first time, he longed for the peaceful seas and mild weather of his beloved homeworld. "What I wouldn't give to see Chandrila again," he mused, retrieving his favorite silk trousers from the top drawer of his dresser. "To see mother and father again, even if they don't want…" Ben paused, trying to suppress his long standing abandonment issues.

"Don't focus on the things you cannot change," he muttered, pulling on his pants with a little more force than necessary. The cool black fabric felt good against his skin, but he was still uncomfortably warm. "Focus on what's in front of you, like Master Luke says. Focus on the things you can change."

Sitting cross-legged on the end of his rumpled bed, Ben unlatched his shutters with a wave. A cool wind stirred through the window, giving him a modicum of relief from the punishing heat.

"If only the Force could solve all my problems," he sighed, thinking of a certain hazel-eyed scavenger.

You speak in riddles

Your intentions turn me on

I'm your's forever

Will you love me when I'm gone?

Laying his palms flat on his knees, Ben acknowledged that the weather wasn't the only thing making him hot today. Rey had cornered him this afternoon on the pretense of training together, but he should have realized she was up to something the moment she suggested they meet in an isolated meditation chamber far from their Master's watchful gaze.

"You're too damn gullible for a Jedi," he chastised, feeling all kinds a fool for allowing her to catch him off guard again. She was a talented Padawan, his equal in every way, but Rey seemed to want him to see her as a woman first and an apprentice second.

Unfortunately for his young admirer, physical interactions were forbidden to the Jedi, strong emotions taboo. And yet… "You just sat there like a dolt when she started kissing you." Ben shook his head, trying to forget the sound of Rey's soft sighs as her lips molded to his, the feeling of her small hands gripping his—

"Dammit!" he groaned aloud, scrubbing his flushed face. "You're supposed to become a full-fledged Jedi Knight in little under a month! Besides that, there's a very real chance that Rey will be named your Padawan for the last few years of her training! You cannot get wrapped up with her!" It was a difficult task, though, considering how good she felt in his arms.

"If Master Luke ever found out…" He shuddered to think what would become of them. At the very least, they'd be excommunicated from the New Jedi Order.

Still, it was becoming increasingly impossible to deny his admiration for the young orphan from Jakku, especially since she appeared determined to tempt him into behavior that was most decidedly against the Jedi code.

And therein lie his predicament.

Short of abandoning their Master's teachings and leaving the Academy, there was no real way they could be together. They weren't normal people with normal lives who could fall in love without thought to repercussions and...and...

"Wait. Love?" Ben froze at the revelation. "No," he denied. "It's not possible." Taking a deep breath, he tried to clear his mind, desperately seeking guidance. "Your focus determines your reality," he chanted, repeating one of Luke's most important lessons. "Focus on anything but her."

When I'm gone,

You're an unfenced fire!

When I'm gone,

Over walls we've trampled!

When I'm gone,

It's you I admire!

When I'm gone,

My living example...

Concentrating on the quiet whisper of wind filtering in through his open window, Ben leveled out his riotous emotions and slipped into a meditative state.

Life. Death. Warmth. Cold. Peace. Violence. And between it all, balance and energy. A force.

And inside him, that same force.

Reaching out with his feelings, he explored the remote rock his uncle had claimed for the Jedi. The local flora and fauna, all so familiar to him now, were soaking in the last few rays of light as the planet turned and the sun sank beneath the horizon.

Broadening his search, Ben studied the subtle movement of the massive sphere itself, noting how smooth the planet's rotation was. The orbital speed was constant, beating a soothing tattoo inside his head.

"Almost like a heartbeat," he thought, humbled by the complexity of the universe. There was so much he longed to explore once he became a Jedi. Planets, people, the mysterious of—

"Ouch!" Ben winced as a familiar splinter formed in his mind. "No, not now! Not again!"

Something sinister had stirred in response to his probing, calling out to him, urging him toward the black abyss of space. "Come to me, my child," it bade. "You must fulfill your destiny!"

"No!" Recognizing the intrusion for what it was, Ben tried to lock down his consciousness using a technique he'd learned from Luke. "For better or worse, our family is well acquainted with the struggle between light and dark."

The rumors and speculation surrounding Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Amidala had plagued his family for years, so Ben was grateful that Luke had prevented him from being blindsided when the whole affair came to light last year.

"I'm not sure how I would have reacted had Luke withheld the truth about my grandparents from me, but with everything out in the open, Luke and I are closer than we've ever been."

"He's helped me see that I'm not the only one who struggles, that I can have faith in myself despite my failings." And in all honesty, it was a relief to know that even after donning the evil visage of Darth Vader for so long, Anakin Skywalker's soul had still been worthy of redemption.

"The love of his son saved him in the end. Despite everything, his Jedi spirit prevailed. The light prevailed." The notion gave Ben hope.

A malicious cackle broke into his thoughts. "Hope? How trite. There is no hope for you, young Solo."

"Get out of my head, you murderous snake," he gritted back. "You're not welcome here, Snoke. Not anymore."

Ever since he could remember, there had been a small but persistent voice whispering in his ear, presenting him with all manner of temptations. When he was a child, it was the acceptance he longed for from his parents. As a teenager, power and glory. But just recently, the voice had become desperate, for Ben no longer wanted any of those things. He was a Jedi, like his grandfather before him, and his only goal was to serve the Force.

"Don't lie," Snoke said cruelly. "There is still something you covet. Or should I say...someone?"

"Leave her out of this!" Ben raged. All at once he wanted to hit something, to kill. The thought of this creature, this incubus, touching one hair on Rey's—

"Ben?"

Your eyes are an undiscovered ocean far away

Any minute now keeping

Both poets and priests at bay

Don't get ahead of me

Could we just this once see eye to eye?

Could you want perhaps me?

Ask me how it feels to vie

Eyes flying wide, Ben turned to see Rey crawling through his open window. "Rey! What are you—?"

"Are you alright?" she asked without preamble, slipping onto the bed beside him. "I know you wanted to be alone, but I felt your fear and I—"

"Yes," he lied. Except it wasn't really a lie because the sinister voice had gone. Even with Luke's exercises, the evil wretch still got in sometimes. But when he was with Rey...well, she seemed to drive off his demons.

She gently touched his damp forehead. "Were you meditating?"

"What? Oh, yes," he said, coming back to reality. "Or, trying to," he corrected, catching himself before he melted into her touch.

"Can I join you?"

"I don't—" But she was already moving behind him. "Okay, then," he sighed, half turning to look at her. "Do you actually want to mediate this time, or...?" She was facing the opposite direction, but Ben was wary of her intentions.

"I have no idea what you mean," she said, copying his lotus pose.

"Really?" he replied sardonically. "I seem to recall you asking me to meditate this afternoon when in actuality you wanted—"

"Your virginity?" she filled in.

"Rey!" Ben exclaimed, astonished by her lack of tact. "You can't say things like that!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's—it's—you just can't!" he stuttered.

Rey met his troubled gaze. "Would you rather I lie?"

"Of course not!" he denied. "Though it might be easier to ignore my feelings if you did."

"Ben, what's wrong?" she said plainly.

"Besides the fact that you keep trying to seduce me?"

"Besides that," Rey agreed. Her tone was even, but he could sense her smirking behind his back.

"Nothing, I just…" How did one confess that a mad man was trying to break into one's mind at every given opportunity?

"It's him, isn't it?" she said quietly. "Snoke."

"Yes." It was uncanny, the way Rey always seemed to know what was troubling him before he could find the words.

"Not uncanny," she returned, easily reading his unguarded thoughts. "It's fate."

Ben's shoulders tensed. "You don't know that."

"I do," she said confidently. "Now tell me about Snoke."

Knowing how protective she was, he tried to play it off. "It was nothing. The usual."

"There's nothing usual about an evil wizard trying to sway you to the dark side, Ben," she countered. "Try again."

"Really, Rey? What are you? My mother?" he grumbled. "Why did I even tell you about him to begin with?"

"Because you trust me." She leaned back against him to prove her point and, damn her, the contact calmed his frayed nerves like a spiritual balm. "Now stop kriffing around and tell me the truth."

Put that way… "He's become weak in the last few years, desperate. But that only makes him more dangerous, not less, and I'm afraid…"

She rested her head on his shoulder, further improving his sense of being. "Yes?"

"I'm afraid he'll hurt you to get to me," he admitted. It was a revealing statement, but he owed her the truth. Rey's life was on the line as much as his own now.

"So, he knows how we feel about each other," she said matter-of-factly. Rey sounded less concerned than he'd expected, but she was like that.

"I'm like what?" she asked playfully.

"Brave—and annoying," he informed her. Ben reached up and tugged on one of her looping buns. "Also, stop reading my thoughts. It's rude."

"Stop shouting them at me then," she snorted. "Our bond goes both ways, Ben. If you really want to shut me out—"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," he said haltingly. "I just have a hard time keeping my head on straight when you ambush me like you did in the training hall."

"Oh."

"Not that I'm blaming you for Snoke!" he went on hurriedly. "You've always been there for me, Rey. You mean everything to me."

"Really?" She searched for his hand.

"Yeah." He let her take it.

"Ben?" she started seriously, lacing her fingers through his.

"Yes?"

"What happened this afternoon. What's been happening between us for a while…" She drew in a deep breath. "I know you don't want to hear it, but you must allow me to tell you how—

"Don't."

"But, I—"

"You can't," he interrupted again. "We're Jedi. So, whatever you're feeling is—"

"I love you," she continued fiercely. "And I think you love me too."

"No." Ben shook his head even as his heart leapt. "You and I...we're..."

"Yes," she insisted, turning around to embrace him. "You and I. We're meant to be together, Ben."

"No, I-I didn't mean…" he tried, sounding unconvincing even to his own ears.

"You feel so good," she sighed, running her hands up and down his toned biceps. "Every time you're near all I want to do is crawl into your arms and stay there forever." Rey fit herself even closer, nuzzling her cheek against his bare shoulder. "I want you so much, Ben."

"Stop it," he said in an agonized whisper, aroused by her words as much as her touch.

"What if I don't?" she replied, equally as hushed. "What if I strip off the rest of your clothes, mine, and make love to you until the sun comes up?" Rey slipped her arms under his, skimming her slim fingers up and down his naked chest in a hypnotic rhythm. "What if I take you in my hands, my mouth, inside me, everywhere...what then?"

Ben shivered at her seductive challenge, so turned on he could barely speak. "Then I would be ruined."

"Is that why you're scared of me?" she murmured sadly. "Because you think I'd sully you?"

"No, never," he refuted, wanting to comfort her even as she drove him crazy. "You're beautiful, a warrior; I could never be ashamed of you."

"Then why? Why are you so scared of me?"

"I'm not!"

"Ben, you're shaking," she charged softly, able to feel every subtle movement of his body as she cradled him from behind. "And this afternoon, you ran away from me."

"I ran because I wasn't sure what would happen if I gave into my feelings for you," he said huskily. There was no hiding his physical response to her closeness now, so he didn't even try. Instead, Ben decided to go for broke; to chase her away before it was too late for either of them. "Rey, I can't do this."

"But—"

"No, you're not listening to me!" he thundered. "I'm not saying I don't want to; I'm saying I can't!"

"Why?" she said, her question a plea.

"Because there's something wrong with me, Rey," he said gruffly. "Something that's always been there, poisoning me from the inside out. And I'm afraid that if we get any more involved, it'll infect you too."

A/N: The Snoke Age of Resistance comic came out today, so all aboard the Ben Solo pain train! Hopefully this alternate version of events will help ease it a little. I've got Part II about half way written, and it will include some sexy times. Would love to hear what y'all think so far! Check out my other fics, I have a ton!