Chapter 2

Scoop was a peculiar haunt for my peers and me. It was one of the few locations strictly designed for Andalites, and Humans were never permitted inside except in the most extreme circumstances. Ironically enough, the idea behind it was purely a Human one: You spent your hard-earned pay on poisons that leave you disorientated, cause you to vomit uncontrollably, and wake up with a terrible headache the next morning. At first, the idea seemed somewhat counter-productive to us Andalites, but the bizarre ritual soon caught on.

I was there most, if not all, nights.

Good evening, Chutan. Dib-dib, Chaddi, and… The bouncer paused as he inspected Lamedni. The stupid one.

I'm not stupid! Lamedni whined as he passed on through.

Don't pay any attention to that guy, Chaddi reassured him. You're not stupid, you just lack insight.

My eyes are fine, Lamedni grumbled.

We sauntered into the club like it was our home. In fact, we probably spent more time here than we did at our actual homes. It was a place to make new friends, rejoice in each other's company, and indulge in our greatest mutual hobby. Try to, anyway.

Eyes out for the Lab 3 tails! Dib-dib chuckled, rubbing his hands together in delight. A devious little smile lit up his face.

You stay in the background, Chaddi suggested. They'll need more to drink before you come in.

Are you calling me unattractive?!

Chaddi shrugged. Yes, I suppose.

Dib-dib seethed. Me?! Look at you! You're far too tall! And your muscles make your body look all… bumpy…

Chaddi was indeed bulky. To illustrate, he flexed a bicep. His muscle bulged into a firm curve.

A delicate hand emerged over it, and behind that lustful eyes of a female just happening to pass by. She tugged at him suggestively, and the pair disappeared into the crowd behind us.

Lamedni and I looked to Dib-dib for an explanation.

I guess some females are into that stuff… He mumbled.

Yes, I said sarcastically. I wonder why.

Forget him, Dib-dib grumbled. We'll find that set of tails from Lab 3. I bet they're absolutely melting for some rumpy bumpy.

Rumpy bumpy… I repeated.

Please don't say that to a female when I'm near you, requested Lamedni. That's tail-repellant, for sure.

Dib-dib's eyes glanced around awkwardly. Well… Well, what would you call it then?

I don't know! I replied. But I wouldn't call it rumpy bumpy. And anyway, Chaddi told me that you'd arranged a party. He also said that you'd invited the girls from Lab 3.

He shrugged. They're here, and so are we. Party!

So you didn't actually invite them, I grumbled. You just listened in on one of their conversations and heard they were coming here tonight. Now you think you can tag along with them and perhaps, perhaps have sex with one of them.

Or three! Lamedni suggested.

You're just jealous because you couldn't get a female if you tried. Dib-dib accused.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

I can get some tail, I huffed defensively.

Lamedni spoke up. I've never seen you get some before.

I just… you know… never found the right one. I uttered.

Dib-dib laughed. Dude, you don't find the right one!

Yeah, that's right! Lamedni added.

Dib-dib elucidated, You find a female with the biggest haunches, and you take her home, and you give her some ru-

Don't you dare repeat those two words. I urged him.

Alright, Shitface, you fuck their ass until their legs stop working! Is that better?!

Shitface…? I said curiously.

Our rather crude conversation was thankfully interrupted by Lamedni, whose wandering eyes caught the treasure we'd so dearly sought. Guys, tail alert! Over there!

Eight additional eyes shot to where he was pointing. Indeed, the three scientists from Lab 3 were standing beside the dancefloor. Maybe they were going to dance. I hoped not because I couldn't dance to save my life. Any chance I had of scoring would disappear faster than a fat Human at a salad bar.

Phwoar! Dib-dib exclaimed. Look at them! Fields waiting to be plowed and I've got a tractor just right for the job!

Full of the right words tonight, aren't you? I said.

You'd better believe it, Shitface. Give me ten seconds with those tails, and I'll be swimming in clunge!

Go on then! Lamedni insisted. Do that.

Dib-dib shot his main eyes to him. What? Right now?

Yes, Dib-dib, I agreed. Don't you want to be swimming in clunge? I'm sure you'll get some rumpy bumpy, too!

He looked very indecisive, which was not at all surprising. Sure, he barked loud, but he had less chance of biting than a toothless squirrel with its mouth sewn shut. Y-you've got to wait for the right moment, you know? He stuttered. You wait for them to give you that look.

That look, I repeated skeptically. And what look might that be?

You know… He said, before squinting his eyes in a manner even more disturbing than his use of the word clunge.

Wow. Lamedni said unsurely.

I hummed. Yeah… If somebody pulled that face at me, I'd call the hospital and tell them she's having a stroke.

Dib-dib exhaled roughly in frustration. Alright, Shit-tin, if you're so smart, you show us how it's done!

I took another look at the three girls. They were laughing over a drinking fountain, dipping their hooves into the alcohol-infused water. They were beautiful, quite unlike the usual scientist stereotype, with the perfect hip-to-waist ratio and full, luscious hair. Somehow, I didn't fancy my chances.

But I had something that Dib-dib never did.

Balls.

I shakily walked over, and the others followed a couple meters behind. They saw my approach, but never lifted more than one stalk eye each.

That's right, Chutan, I thought to myself. Just act cool. Yeah, that's it! A little bit of movement in the hips… No, not too much! Keep your posture, but don't look like you're nailed to a plank!

But before I could reach my goal of looking like I might actually be something close to cool, some brute came crashing into my side, and I flopped limply to the sticky, smelly floor. Hooves scattered around me from the idiot who'd barged me over.

What the fuck are you doing, Cockhead?! The primitive beast growled, stamping his hoof near my head. Watch where you're going! Next time, I'll cut your dick off!

He left with the other freakishly large males, and I scrambled clumsily to my hooves. I saw the girls laughing between themselves.

Great. Dib-dib commented.

Yeah, classic. Lamedni added.

I straightened my posture and brushed what I hoped was alcoholic fluid from my chest hair. With my dignity all but dissolved, I had to work with whatever I had left. I turned to the females and put on my friendliest smile. Hello!

Their heads turned to me simultaneously. They were still laughing, but they didn't say a word.

Um… I said, twiddling my fingers. Yes, um, my name is Chutan. My friends and I… I pointed with a thumb over my shoulder to the anxious pair. Well, we were wondering if… Put it this way, we saw you from across the club, and we thought… Uh… Can we interest you in some small talk?

I heard Dib-dib, and I assumed privately. Oh, he didn't just say that, did he?

The girls stared, and they'd long since stopped laughing.

Small talk? One of them asked. What kind of small talk?

Oh! I never really thought that far ahead, I replied truthfully. I suppose we could talk about… How we feel about each other.

Okay then, the same girl said. How do you feel about me?

Put on the spot, I couldn't help but feel a little nervous. Ah. I think that you're very… pretty?

Are you asking me, or telling me?

I laughed, but it could only have looked awkward. Telling! I-I'm telling. Of course, haha! Yes, that's funny!

What's funny? she demanded.

I smiled, and I didn't know why. Nothing, I guess.

The one in the middle cocked her head, and to my surprise, she wasn't looking at me in utter contempt. I think what you're trying to say is that you'd like to buy me a drink. Is that right?

An opportunity! Yes! That's it! Could I buy you a drink, Ms…

Urhrid, she said.

I grinned and bowed slightly. Chutan. It's a pleasure to meet you, Urhrid!

She sighed and grabbed me by the arm. Just stop talking, and you might get somewhere.

I was dragged away. I had done it! Dib-dib and Lamedni stared with wide eyes as we made our way between and past them, and I heard their shock in private thought-speak. I didn't care!

I kept her advice and didn't say a word. I bought her a drink and tried to remain calm. I didn't know if it was working, but she stayed with me and didn't run off, which was a positive sign. Maybe tonight was finally the night when I got some of that rumpy bumpy. I surely would like the act more than the phrase.