Elisa has some explaining to do to her boss.

Rating: K+
Setting: Canon compliant
Characters: Elisa, Captain Chavez
Relationships: Elisa & Captain Chavez
Warnings: None
Other Tags: Fridge Logic, How does Elisa explain to her boss all the guns that she loses?

Captain Chavez looked at the twisted lump of metal that Elisa had just placed on her desk, and then back up at Elisa, eyebrow raised. "Care to explain?"

"I was investigating the disturbance at the Eyrie Building, and it got caught in some heavy machinery. At least it didn't explode or something, right?" She attempted a laugh.

Captain Chavez did not look amused. "Heavy machinery, was it?" She picked up the gun and carefully turned it over, examining the bend from where Goliath had crushed it. "And how, exactly, did it get caught?"

"Hey, it's not like I threw it! It got knocked out of my hand. By accident."

That at least was true enough (well, aside from the "accident" part). Hopefully Captain Chavez wouldn't think to ask why Elisa had drawn her gun in the first place.

In the end, the captain still didn't look happy, but there was no denying the evidence, and she had to admit that Elisa was not normally one to carelessly lose a service weapon. In the end, she did get a replacement, and got off with a stern warning to be more careful in the future.

"I'm serious! My apartment was broken into!"

Well, it was true. She was just neglecting to mention a couple of critical details. Like the fact that she'd been present during the break-in, that the invader had been Demona, that she'd been intending to kill Elisa rather than just rob her, and that her gun had been crushed, not stolen.

"And you're telling me the thief stole your gun? The one you keep in a lockbox whenever you're not using it? All of your money and valuables were left completely untouched?"

"H-hey, I can't read criminals' minds. Maybe they didn't know what was in the box?"

Captain Chavez pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fine," she said at last, lowering her hand. "You're clearly not at fault here, whatever the thief's motives. I still expect you to file a report," she added as Elisa turned toward the door with a sigh of relief. "There needs to be a record if that gun ends up on the streets."

"Right. Of course." Fat chance of that, she thought as she left the office. At least Demona had done the favor of destroying her gun rather than letting it fall into the wrong hands.

"I'm telling you, it was Xanatos!"

"Maza. you've got to stop blaming all of your problems on Xanatos. You couldn't prove he was stockpiling illegal weapons, you couldn't prove he was responsible for your brother's disappearance, and I doubt you can prove that he…" Captain Chavez raised an eyebrow, "…crushed your gun last night."

"Oh yeah?" Elisa placed her hands on the captain's desk. "Then how about I bring him in here to explain himself?" Besides, she thought through gritted teeth, he owes me one for what he did to Derek.

"If you're asking me to get you a warrant for Xanatos's arrest, the answer is no." Captain Chavez rubbed her forehead, and her eyes flicked again to the twisted lump of metal on her desk, a lump which even she could not deny had been a perfectly functional gun the day before Halloween. "If he is able to corroborate your story, I'll reconsider. But as you know, department issued weapons that were lost or damaged due to your own carelessness will come out of your paycheck, and pointing fingers at Xanatos isn't going to change department policy. Is that clear?"

Elisa sighed. "Of course, Captain."

When, several days later, the NYPD received a generous donation for the purpose of restocking supplies, in addition to a formal apology for any "misunderstanding", Captain Chavez raised her eyebrow but wisely decided not to comment.

Captain Chavez was in the middle of filling out some paperwork when a wad of bills was slammed down on her desk.

"Did you manage to lose another weapon, Maza?" She leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms. "So what was it this time? Fell into the ocean? Melted by lightning? Stolen by gargoyles?"

"Seriously." Elisa probably looked as annoyed as she felt, but even she couldn't come up with a way to explain to her boss that she'd donated her gun to be melted down to make a weapon for the inhabitants of Avalon to defend themselves from a creature from one of Shakespeare's plays. "Don't ask."

A/N: This story is crack and is in no way meant to accurately reflect the real-life penalties or procedures for the loss or destruction of a service weapon. (Also, I just realized that I'm now two for two on crack-a-thons that pass the Bechdel Test right off the bat, and I wasn't even trying. Yay?)