April Fools

By Chezza

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E-mail: [email protected]

Summary: Someone's playin' 'em, but who is it?

Category: Humour (I hope!)

Spoilers: Very brief one for 321 Crystal Skull – blink and you'll miss it!

Season: Early Season 4 (Pre Ugrades and Divide & Conquer)

Pairing: Teensy bit S/J

Rating: Oh Crap, I'm no good @ this… PG, maybe PG-13 to be on the safe side ? What can I say? Jack's got a mouth! But then you already knew that….

Warnings: language but not much more than you'd hear in the show

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I have written this story for entertainment purposes only and no money whatsoever has exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author(s).

Posted: 11/05/03

Author's notes: My first fanfic! It took a lot of time for me to work up the nerve to post this, so please be nice. Ta muchly to dragonlady for the beta. Muchos Gracias. Feedback (and constructive criticism) would be adored and will probably result in much leaping around the room by the author and cries of 'Look!! Someone actually read it!" This is my first attempt to get back into writing after a 7 year break, so I'd really like to know what people think; should I keep on writing or give it up as a bad job? I originally intended for this to be a short story, but my muse wouldn't shut up and it kind of got away from me! I never could seem to write short stories sigh some things haven't changed…unfortunately I'm also a busy gal and it takes me forever to write (I started this at the beginning of April!) so if I do carry on, don't expect me to post anything that often. Please note, flames will be used to light Tealc's candles Not like that! Get your mind outta the gutter for cryin out loud… Okay, now I'm rambling. See? I can't even make the Author's Notes short, darn it! I'll just stop now. Enjoy!

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The tall figure moved silently down the corridor. No one saw him. At this hour the base was empty, but for the unlucky few assigned to the graveyard shift. Reaching his destination, he looked around to ensure he was not being observed, then swiped his key card through the reader and entered. He stood in the doorway for a few seconds, allowing his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the room, then stepped inside and let the door close behind him.

The lab was silent and empty, it's owner having finally given in to the overwhelming urge to sleep and leaving some hours ago. Making his way past the table littered with books and papers, he stepped carefully round several strangely shaped objects and reached the shelf at the far end of the room.

Carefully he checked the labels of the various jars found on the shelf and unscrewed the ones he wanted. He slipped the bag he carried off his shoulder and tipped the contents of the jars into the empty containers, which he had brought for this purpose. Placing these carefully back in his bag, he took out some more containers from his bag – full this time - and replaced the contents of the original jars.

He screwed the lids back on the jars, placed his now empty containers back in the bag, slung the bag over his shoulder and retraced his path out of the lab. At the door he paused again, looking both ways down the corridor. Again there was no one in sight. He stepped out of the lab and moved on to the other places which he had to visit that night.

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Major Samantha Carter yawned widely as she hit the On button on her laptop and covered her mouth with the back of her hand. Urgh. She could have done with a couple more hours of sleep after being up so late last night, but she really wanted to get this report finished.

She pulled her chair up, took a swig of coffee and started typing. A few hours later, the sounds of the base waking up filtered through her lab door, distracting her. She sat back and stretched

Nearly there. She just had to type up the summary, add the list of appendices and she was done. She reached out for her mug and grimaced at the cold coffee left in the bottom. She'd go get a quick refill from the machine and finish off. Daniel and the Colonel should be in by then and they could go for breakfast.

She turned away from her machine and headed out the door. She missed the warning message that popped up on screen advising her to save her work as the battery power was critically low.

A few minutes later, she sat back down at her chair with a fresh mug of coffee and began her summary. Suddenly the screen went blank.

"What the…?"

She ran finger over the touchpad. No response. She looked at the power light – it was no longer on. A sick feeling started to gather in the pit of her stomach. She pressed the power button. No response. She checked the back of the laptop. Yes, the power cable was plugged in. She followed the wire down the back of the table. The floorbox looked like it had been disturbed. She pulled it open. All the wires inside had been unplugged, including the network cable. Without that her work wasn't even backed up to the server.

There was a loud 'thunk!' as her head hit the table. She took a deep breath. He was a dead man.

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Dr Daniel Jackson levered the door open with his elbow and hurried over to the table where he deposited his armful of books and papers. He stood back and pushed his glasses back up, then made a hasty grab for the folders trying to slide off the top of the pile. Placing them back on top, he carefully took his hand away. They stayed where they were. Backing carefully away he moved round to the other side of the table and rummaged around. It was in here somewhere…ah-ha! There it was! Emerging triumphant with his coffee mug he wandered to the back of his lab, checked there was water in the kettle and hit the 'On' switch.

Aah. He sighed happily at the thought of a decent cup of coffee, instead of the rubbish in the machines that the Air Force insisted was coffee. It was a shame he couldn't use fresh grounds at work, but the beans really needed to be kept in the freezer and he couldn't justify one of those for his lab. But still, some of the instants weren't that bad if you bought them from a specialist….

He scanned the room, looking for something to do whilst the kettle boiled. Ooh! Was that the report from SG5 on P9R 772 in his Inbox? He picked up the manila folder. Yes it was! Propping his hip on the table he began leafing through it.

The kettle switched off with a click. Still reading the report Daniel walked over and laid it down on the shelf. He picked up the coffee jar and added a couple of spoonfuls to his mug, followed by a couple of spoonfuls of sugar. Turning a page, he picked up the kettle and poured the boiling water into his mug. Absently he placed the kettle back down and scrabbled around for a spoon, his attention on the page in front of him. The etchings looked like they could be Mayan or possibly Aztec…. He placed the spoon in his mug and stirred. Maybe they were related to Quetzalcoatl's people? He put the spoon down. Perhaps he could send a copy through to Nick? He picked up his mug. Or maybe he could get Jack to authorise a follow-up mission so that he could see them for himself? He picked up the folder for a closer look and took a large swallow.

He choked and the folder was sprayed with the mouthful he'd just taken. Oh God! Uurgh! That was disgusting! It wasn't coffee!

He dropped the folder on the shelf and hurriedly put down the mug. Urgh! He needed to wash his mouth out now! And then he'd pay a certain someone a visit. He was going to kill him.

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Colonel Jack O'Neill strolled down the hallway, his hands in his pockets. It'd been a pretty good day so far, the sun was shining when he went for his morning run, he'd avoided the rush hour traffic on his way to work and they were due to be briefed that afternoon for an early mission the next day. Yep, things were looking good.

"Colonel!"

He cringed. With only 3 Colonels on base and one of them currently offworld, odds were they were talking to him. Dammit. He'd so nearly reached his office before being cornered as well. And it had looked like being such a good day…

He turned round. His heart sank when he saw who it was. Master Sergeant Alan Vickers, Head of Supplies. Probably here to whinge about whatever bizarre doohickeys Danny or Carter had asked for this time. Forcing his face into a pleasant expression, he smiled.

"Sergeant! What can I do for you?"

There was a flicker of movement just visible in the corner of his eye. He was about to turn and take a look when Sergeant Vickers pulled a hefty stack of R175 requisition request forms out from behind his back. Jack's heart sank a little further. There went his quiet morning…

"I really need you to take a look at these forms, sir. Are you absolutely sure that all these are required? I mean, look here, is it really necessary to have this many – "

"Tell you what Sergeant" Jack said hastily, cutting him off, "Why don't you leave them with me and I'll go over them with the, ah, relevant parties concerned?"

He relieved Vickers of the stack of pink paper and waited for his reply. Vickers blinked. He couldn't really argue with a full Colonel but…paperwork had a nasty habit of disappearing into the Colonel's office never to be seen again and R175s were important pieces of paperwork!

"Well, if you're sure that's really necessary, sir…"

Jack clapped him on the shoulder. "Absolutely!" he said with relief "I'll take care of these" – they'd go in the pile with the rest – "and thank you for bringing them to my attention"

"Oh, it was no problem, sir really…" Vickers replied weakly

"Well if that's everything…?"

"Umm, yes sir." Vickers pulled himself to attention and saluted smartly. Jack returned the salute, barely restraining the urge to roll his eyes. The man was so uptight…

"Sergeant"

The Sergeant turned about smartly and walked off down the corridor. Jack watched him go, then looked down at the papers in his hand. God he hated paperwork. Still at least he'd got out of an hour long lecture on observing the proper procedure for procurement requests. Spinning on his heel he frowned. He could have sworn he just saw someone come out of his office. Oh well, must be seeing things, Jack.

Jack kicked shut the door to his office, flung the papers in his intray with everything else and plonked himself down in his chair. He'd made it! With no more interruptions. Using his heels he wheeled his chair forward and logged onto his PC. He'd kill half an hour or so by reading his e-mails, then he'd go bully Danny and Carter into going for breakfast.

20 minutes later Jack was bored. His e-mails weren't that inspiring. Several reminders from Hammond's office regarding overdue reports, the date of the next SG team commanders meeting and a note telling him it was almost time for his 6 month physical. Sighing, he logged off, maybe he'd go round the troops up for breakfast now. Placing his hands on the desk he pushed himself up out of his chair and was rather surprised to find the chair coming with him.

"What the hell…?"

He pushed down on the chair arms. The chair pulled against the back of his shirt and fatigue pants, but refused to let go. He twisted his head round to stare down his back. The chair was stuck to his shirt! He could feel the weight of the chair dragging at the seat of his pants, so odds were, it was stuck there as well.

He (and the chair) sat back down. Jack shook his head in disbelief. He'd been got. He'd been well and truly got. Damn. Guess he wouldn't be going to breakfast yet after all. He frowned. How was he supposed to get out of this?

Jack twisted, trying to rip the fabric of his shirt from the chair back. He couldn't get the leverage. Okay…Plan B then. He unbuttoned his shirt and and taking hold of the sleeve end with his hand, tugged his left arm out. He slipped his right arm out of the other sleeve and leaned forward. Hah, success! His upper body was free.

He stood up experimentally, the chair followed. His pants were still stuck. Alright think Jack, you can get out of this. Boy, if his team could see him now…they'd never let him live it down. So it was probably a good job they couldn't.

He looked down at his pants in resignation. He was going to have to climb out of them wasn't he? Jack glanced up at the security camera in the corner of the room. He'd be owing the techies favours for months after this.

Jack sighed. Sitting himself back down again, he propped his left foot on the desk and began unlacing his boot. He shook his head. Someone was going to pay for this. Big time…

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"Jack!"

"Colonel!"

Jack O'Neill's door flew back on it's hinges as an irate Doctor of Archaeology burst into his office, closely followed by a severely pissed off USAF Major. Daniel Jackson barely paused for breath before launching into an angry tirade against the man whose office he'd just invaded.

"Oh yeah, good one Jack! Real good one! I suppose you thought that was soo funny didn't you…"

Daniel's voice faltered as he realised Jack stood in front of him in a regulation issue black T-shirt, boxer shorts and precious little of anything else.

His mouth opened in an 'O' of shocked surprise and he blinked to dispel the image. It did no good. Desperately needing something else to focus on, he turned to his partner in righteous anger. Only to find her staring wide eyed at the view in front of her as well.

"So, uh…" clearing his throat, Daniel tried again "…not the Colonel?"

Hearing Daniel's question, Sam Carter's brain suggested that it might be a good idea to answer it. Tearing her eyes away from the sight of her Commanding Officer in much less than she was used to seeing him wearing, she struggled to form a coherent sentence.

"Not the Colonel" she agreed finally.

"Not the Colonel what?!"

The slightly peeved outburst from behind them dragged their attention back to the room's original occupant, who was glaring at them as if daring them to comment. Sadly, the fact that he was only half clothed somewhat ruined the effect.

"Oh nothing Jack. Really."

The glare intensified. "It's obviously not nothing. Not from the way you were yelling my name down the corridor and damned near took my door off it's hinges!"

Daniel winced. "Um, yeah, Sorry about that. It's just…someone decided to play a couple of 'hilarious' practical jokes on us the morning and we thought it was…that it might have been…but obviously…" Daniel's nerve failed him and he gestured helplessly at the man in front of him, really wishing he would put some pants on.

"You thought it was me.

"Uh, well you do have a reputation for this kind of thing…"

"Yeah, well. It wasn't me this time!"

"Uh yeah. We can see that."

An awkward silence fell. The two intruders looking everywhere, except at the man in the centre of the room. Daniel's eyes strayed back to Jack and his current lack of clothing. Daniel's lips twitched. It was no good. He had to say it.

"So Jack, nice shorts…"

Sam bit her lip. Don't laugh. Don't laugh. Coughing to cover it up, she hurriedly looked at the floor, running her gaze down that very nice pair of well muscled legs on the way. Damned if she knew how the man managed to make Marvin the Martian boxer shorts look sexy, but somehow he did. Marvin the Martian. Wait until she told Janet….

Jack glared at Daniel, his gaze promising all manner of nasty things. Daniel looked innocently back. The tense silence was broken by a most unladylike snort from his 2IC. Jack gritted his teeth. That was it.

"Not a word, Major. And Daniel? I'll be sure to put a pair on your Christmas list for this year."

"Err, no. That's okay, Jack." Daniel said hastily.

Silence fell again. Jack sighed. His hands twitched. Dammit! He was NOT going to cup them protectively over his groin. It wasn't like he was on display. Well, not that part of him anyway. Jack glanced down. Yep. Still covered.

Attempting casualness, he leaned against the desk and folded his arms. Fine, so it was a defensive gesture. He was stood half-naked in front of his best friend and his 2IC. He was entitled to be a little defensive. This had the feeling of one of those dreams where you turn up to work naked. Hmm, maybe if he closed his eyes they'd disappear…. Nope, no such luck.

Not that he'd object to being half-naked – hey even fully naked – with a certain party in the room, but this was just plain embarassing. And of course in those plans she would be naked as well. Heh. Jack gulped as he felt his body respond to the mental image he just created.

Bad Jack. Very bad Jack. Don't think about it. Not when you wearing…what you're not wearing. Think of something else, anything else…. He crossed his legs.

"So, what happened to you guys?"

"Ah well. Someone swapped my coffee for gravy granules…"

"Eeuw!"

"and my sugar for salt."

"Yech!" Jack shuddered. Well the thought of drinking that had the desired calming effect….

"Carter?"

Sam was lost in a daydream of a certain Colonel losing the rest of his clothes. Mmm…naked Colonel.

"Carter?"

She froze. Damn, she didn't just say that out loud did she? She looked up to find the man she was mentally undressing staring at her oddly.

She cleared her throat. "Uh, yes sir?"

"What was your practical joke?"

Phew. She hadn't.

"Oh someone pulled the wires out of the floor box in my lab." She frowned. That really hadn't been funny…

"Doesn't sound too bad."

"I lost the entire report for our mission to PJ4 652 when my laptop crashed after the battery ran out, because one of those wires was the power cable!"

Jack winced. PJ4 652? That had to be the one they'd visited last week. She'd virtually been doing cartwheels over it. Now there was an image…concentrate Jack! He was willing to bet that report had been a biggie. Suddenly he was very glad the jokes hadn't been his idea.

"Didn't you have Autosave switched on?" That earned him a Look.

"No sir!"

Daniel intervened before Jack could dig himself a bigger hole. He'd heard the yells when it happened from his lab. He hadn't known Sam could swear like that.

"So Jack. What happened to you?"

Jack smiled wryly. "Oh I think we all know what happened to me, Danny." He gestured at himself.

"Well yes, we can see that - but how?"

"Oh you know, the old superglue on the chair trick. Very inventive really…."

"Ah, I see."

"Woah. I'd say you were pretty lucky there, sir."

Huh? How could it possibly be lucky to have your clothes superglued to your chair? Where was the luck in being forced to stand in front of two-thirds of team in your boxers? And what was so damn funny about Marvin the Martian boxer shorts anyway?!

"Carter?"

"Well if you hadn't realised in time the glue could have soaked through the rest of your clothes…"

"Great. You mean I could have been stood here in my birthday suit?"

Oooo, she really didn't need that image right now….

"Well I was thinking more along the lines of you being stuck to the chair sir…"

"Ah, right."

Silence reigned once more. Jack was hoping they would take the hint and leave. But Daniel seemed to have other ideas. As usual. After getting over the initial shock he seemed quite happy to stand around and discuss what was going on, despite Jack's state of undress. Typical scientist. Never let something like a friend with no pants get in the way, when there's a puzzle to be solved.

"So if it wasn't you. Which it obviously wasn't, then who - "

"O'Neill. Major Carter. Daniel Jackson."

Great. Not content with embarassing him in front of Danny and Carter the Universe had obviously decided to bring Teal'c in on the act as well.

All three turned to the big Jaffa, he stood in the doorway, hands clasped behind his back. He inclined his head towards them.

Jack frowned. Was that a smile?

"I believe the phrase is April Fool."

With that he bowed from the waist and left the room.

"Was that…?"

"Did he…?"

"Wha…?"

There was a stunned silence. Then Jack grinned.

"Oh yeah! The big guy's learning alright…."

He turned to Sam. "So…Tealc?"

"Apparently" she said.

"Wow."

"Yeah"

"No kiddin'"

Silence reigned once more, each of them deep in thought. After a few minutes, Jack cleared his throat and stepped away from the desk. "Well kids, as entertaining as this has been I'd kinda like to put my pants back on so…." He waved a hand towards the door.

Sam looked up at Jack's words and blushed slightly as she met his eyes. She nodded. "Yes sir." She turned to Daniel who was still staring off into space.

"Daniel?"

"Huh?" Daniel blinked at the mention of his name. He looked at Jack. Jack repeated his hand motion towards the door.

"If you wouldn't mind?"

"Oh right. Yes. You'd probably like to…so we should probably go and let you…"

"Yes" Jack said, cutting him off. "Please."

"Right."

Daniel turned round still looking confused by recent events. Sam grinned. "Come on Daniel" she said, putting a hand on his shoulder and steering him out of the door. She turned back to look at the Colonel. "See you later, sir."

Her grin widened as she stepped out of the door. She couldn't help it. It wasn't easy to call someone sir when they were stood in front of you in cartoon boxers. She shook her head, the grin growing wider. She really had to get back to her lab before she cracked up.

They walked down the corridor. Once they were away from Jack's office Daniel turned to her and grinned slyly. "Think he wears them on missions as well?"

That was it. The corridor echoed to peals of laughter from the two scientists at the thought of Jack O'Neill travelling the galaxy in pair of Marvin the Martian boxer shorts.

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Jack closed his eyes in relief as his his teamates walked out of the door. Finally! He didn't think they were ever going to leave. He looked around frowning. Now where did he put his spare pair of pants?

The tannoy kicked in: "Colonel O'Neill to the briefing room! Colonel O'Neill to the briefing room"

"Aw crap!

~End~

Time for some more Author's Notes:

Congratulations! You reached the finish. I admire your staying power. All that's left now is the technical stuff. Soo here we go:

Before you feed it back to me, yes I am aware that the scenario involving Major Carter's laptop wouldn't actually happen. I work in IT and use a laptop on a daily basis, so I know the warning message that appears when you are almost out of battery power doesn't actually disappear until you Okay it. However, that wouldn't have been any fun now would it?!

Besides this is fiction, so I'm allowed to bend the rules a little... Same goes for the the fact that
Daniel would probably have noticed his coffee smelt different before taking a sip and the whole
superglue thing. Although that is not as farfetched as it sounds - betcha didn't know that
superglue was first invented during the Vietnam war as a way of patching soldiers up quickly and
sending them back out there. So now you know why it always sticks your fingers together if you're
not careful, even if it won't darn well glue anything else!

Also, if you're thinking of saying Carter's too smart to work on something and not save it, take it
from an IT professional - it happens to the best of us. Especially when you get caught up in what
you're doing! Autorecover only does so up to a point and only if you have Autosave switched
on first :(

And finally, if you're wondering where the idea for the Marvin the Martian boxers (and the story!)
came from, check out: - specifically 'That good
old Asgard timing'. I stumbled across this site the day before April Fool's, after clicking a link
on Michelle V's page () and it all kinda snowballed from there, so feel free to blame them for this....I do. Curse them for having such good imaginations and dragging me away from doing any real work! Not that it took much....

If you haven't been to either of their sites yet, why the hell not?!! Go to them at once, Michelle's a damn good writer and little k's cartoons had me crying with laughter.

N.B. If the respective owners of the above mentioned sites don't want me to give their sites a quick plug for them, simply drop me an e-mail and I'll remove all mention of them. Right, I think I'm done now....

That's all folks!

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