AN: It's been a long time in coming but the final installment is finally
here. About time too, huh? But after sitting on this for so long, it was
hard to come back to. Since I really wanted to finish up something – I've
got too many unfinished fics as it is – I finally got moving to complete
this.
I'm just glad it's over! Whew! =D
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"For a long, long time, I've only done what others have told me to do."
It was the first thing that came out of his mouth, the words seemingly coaxed out with a power of their own beneath her accepting gaze that appeared forgiving, though what it was that needed to be forgiven was not yet known. A part of him was surprised that he was opening up this way to someone so new to him but the other part didn't care about the niceties and continued to speak.
"Sounds pitiful, does it not? I haven't done much in the way of major decision-making on my own. If there was a time that I had, I don't remember it clearly."
Tohru said nothing, just sat and listened.
"Over the past decade especially, Akito was the most important thing in my life because I knew I had to do what he said and I did. I was always at his side, always doing whatever he commanded me to. Just like a puppet. It was easy in way because I never had to think for myself and it made him happy. And that's what always seemed to be important. I've seen what he can do to those he's not happy with so I always did whatever would satisfy him and keep him from becoming angry and turning his desire to hurt someone on me. It was cowardly, I knew that, but I kept doing it."
"You were trying to protect yourself," Tohru interjected quietly. "There's no shame in that."
His lips took on a sad curve. "It's nice that you think that. And knowing what Akito is like, maybe it's true. But it doesn't feel that way. I was always on the sidelines, always watching, even when others were being hurt. I didn't do anything but listen to Akito. It was all I knew. I resigned myself long ago to obeying the clan head for the rest of my life, however long it may last."
"But," Tohru interrupted, "that's what you had to do anyway, isn't it? The curse ties all of you to Akito-san like that so you didn't have any other choice. You shouldn't feel bad about something you have no control over."
"That's one way of looking at it." His expression showed frustration. "But there should have been another way, there just should have been." You shouldn't have had to get involved in something that was up to us to deal with or fail in trying to. What you did-"
"Was my decision," she interrupted calmly. "So if that's what's bothering you, don't worry about it, please. I don't regret the choice that I made."
"Maybe not. But, and excuse me for putting it so bluntly, you're an outsider. It shouldn't have been a choice you had to make – not for us." He shook his head. "What was he thinking?"
But the answer came to him almost as soon as he asked the question.
From his rantings about her, Kureno had gathered that Akito hated her, perhaps feared her, and wanted her gone, wanted her influence away from the Jyunnishi that he saw being stolen away from him by her. That was at the heart of his actions though his methods of dealing with it weren't quite clear, for puzzling out the twisted workings of Akito's mind was a difficult thing.
And now, Akito had what he wanted – her situated far away and banned from returning to her hometown and the Jyunnishi who remained there because, without her, they felt they didn't have anywhere else to go. And with no motivation, lost perhaps in guilt that they failed to do what they should have, driving them to any one direction, they stayed where they were.
So, despite the freedom granted to them by Akito and one girl's sacrifice, the Jyunnishi still remained by their god's side, giving him his victory and cruel satisfaction over those that he viewed as being against him.
If there were any winners around, it wasn't the Jyunnishi.
"Kureno-san?"
He glanced at her to find her gazing at him with that earnest expression of hers touched with concern. It was compassionate, that liquid gaze, and having had little experience with it in his past, he could only remain staring back at her, wondering what to expect next, silent and feeling slightly nervous as she spoke.
"I know you probably think badly of Akito-san," she commented softly. "I know that most of the others do, too. But I don't really thing he's as evil as everyone believes."
Kureno stared back at her in surprise. "You really believe that?"
"Yes, I do."
"How?" He shook his head disbelievingly. "How can you think like that? About him?"
"Well, I suppose I could be wrong. I haven't been around him as much as everyone else has, after all. But that's how I feel even if everyone else thinks differently. Now, I'm not saying that everything he's done in the past has been right or good but I don't think he's completely bad either."
Kureno looked lost. "If he's not bad, then what is he?"
She fell silent a moment, thinking. Finally she said, "A lot of things. It might be hard to believe but I feel that Akito-san may be hurting just as much as everyone else."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Well, I'm not really that sure. Like I said, I might be wrong. My judgment isn't always the best. Still, that's the feeling I get. After all, I have the impression that he has the potential to be much worse than he is now – he's not as bad as he could be. To tell you the truth, I'm actually a little grateful to him."
Kureno's eyes widened. "Why?"
"I know he doesn't like me very much." She smiled a little uncomfortably. "I'm sure you're aware of that."
An apologetic expression crossed his face.
Tohru shrugged. "Anyway, he's probably wanted me gone for a long while. But I'm sure he knew about my goal to at least finish high school since I've talked to Shigure-san many times concerning that and I know he seems the closest to Akito-san. But Akito-san waited until I had finally graduated before he gave me the choice of whether to go or stay. If he wanted me gone so badly, disliked me so much, he could have forced the issue and had me leave sooner, which might have made me unable to graduate like I wanted to. But he didn't. He waited."
"Honda-san, it's nice of you to think that was altruistic, but I don't believe that that really casts him in a better light."
"I'm not trying to cast him in a better light."
"Then what are you trying to say?"
"Nothing really." She gave him a gentle look. "Perhaps you think I'm trying to justify his actions, but I'm not. I know that no matter what I say about him, you're entitled to your own opinions that may differ greatly from mine. I've had this conversation with some of the others and I realize that their opinions about Akito-san didn't seem to change much after I spoke mine so I'm not expecting agreement with what I say or anything else. I'm only sharing my perspective, however wrong or right it may be. I just want to show that he may not be as completely bad as people think he is. That's all." Suddenly, she appeared a little uncomfortable, indecisive. "To tell the truth, I feel kind of sorry for him."
He couldn't help his utter surprise. "Eh?"
"Kureno-san," fingers fidgeted nervously, "you've been by Akito-san's side quite a lot, haven't you?"
He nodded, wondering where she was going with this line of questioning.
"Haven't you ever sometimes thought that you," she hesitated, "pitied him?"
He stopped the automatic 'no' that sprang to his lips; her question had been put forth earnestly and deserved to have it given his serious consideration. He had, after all, intruded here upon her unexpectedly and the least he could do was to attend himself to her words with thoughts as earnest as she was.
Casting his mind back, he sifted through his memories. Most of them centered around the worse moments, his rageful rampages, his punishment of others, his mercurial shifts in mood, his lost of control and violent outbursts that were sporadic but came with more frequency as time passed and his hatred of them continued to grow as well as his...
Desperation
He blinked at the thought, startled.
"You thought of something, didn't you?" came Tohru's gentle voice.
He gave her an uncertain look. "But...do you really think that he does what he does because...?"
"Akito-san's fighting, so I believe." Her gaze grew distant, contemplative. "But he may not realize what it is that he's fighting." She glanced back at him. "He's cursed too, isn't he? To bear your curses, to live a shorter life than you all?"
He nodded slowly. "Yes."
"It's not very fair," she said softly. "And time is not something he can control. His time is getting shorter, but it's not an enemy that he can order or touch or fight. But the rest of you, you who may have partial responsibility in tying him to his fate...you can be ordered and touched and fought against."
"He blames us?" His voice was equally soft.
"Perhaps, deep inside, he does. The anger he feels, the helplessness at his fate, the desperation...they may not be something he's acknowledged to himself. But they may be there, hidden in his heart, building and boiling until he finds himself lashing out without logical reason." A sad smile curled her lips. "He's lost."
"That may be so." He shook his head. "But that doesn't excuse him from what he's done."
"I never said it did." She tilted her head. "In this world, there are some people we can't help, not if they don't want it. We can only watch as they make mistakes and...feel for them."
"If he knew, he would never thank you for you sentiments."
"I know." She gave him a tiny smile. "But they're my sentiments and Akito- san can't control them. I'll feel what I want to feel."
He regarded her quietly, seeing innocence and compassion and also...a deep strength. It made him envious, seeing this person with such certainty about who she was and what she believed and felt.
"I wish I were more like you."
She blinked. "Eh?"
"You're so sure about yourself and where you go, what you do. You see deeper than others do, think of what other's do not, and you remain true to the whispers of your heart. You take the bad and make it good, turn it into something better. You're so..." he searched for the word, "complete."
Mouth parted, she stared at him for one silent moment.
And then she began to laugh.
Startled, he regarded her in surprise. "What did I say?"
Still chuckling, she waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. "You have the wrong idea about me." Her expression was all good humor. "I'm human, I make mistakes, I stumble. And I'm far from being 'complete' because there are still things about myself that I'm unsure of, still need to learn, still need to deal with. But one day," she sighed wistfully, "one day I hope to reach that point."
"I think you're almost there."
"Maybe," she said with a smile. "And someday, I'm sure you'll get there as well."
"I don't know how. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start."
"Well..." she trailed off, thoughtfully. "It begins with choices. From them we learn, make mistakes, and we grow. And...you've already started."
"What do you mean?"
"You made the choice to come here, didn't you?" Her expression grew more serious. "Akito-san's not going to like it if he finds out."
"No, he won't," he said quietly. "But he doesn't know where I went. And you won't tell him, will you?"
She shook her head. "I don't think he'd want to hear from me."
"No," he said, closing his eyes, reflecting.
This journey...had not been he was expecting, neither was she. She was both more, and less than his ideas of her had been. Their conversation had been enlightening to him on different levels, giving him thoughts of himself and others that he might otherwise have never contemplated. And though she spoke of what an uncertain person she was, she was still more formed than many other he knew.
Including himself.
He wondered what it would be like to be as strong in heart as she was, to be able to make the choices she had without regrets. What would it take to get to that point she was at? What else could he learn from her?
He wanted to know.
"Kureno-san?" her voice drew his attention. She was gazing back at him with a worried expression. "It's getting late."
He glanced towards a window, surprised to see the darkness that lay outside. He hadn't realized their conversation had lasted as long as it had. If he rushed, he just might be able to make it back to the station in time to catch the last train home.
"If you like," Tohru offered hesitantly, "there are plenty of extra rooms in the house. You can take one, if you want."
"I won't be imposing?"
"Oh, no." She smiled warmly. "I'd be glad for the company. But it's your choice."
He gazed at her, the one who was responsible for setting him on this path though she may not be aware of the full extent of her influence. This, he thought, was another turning point in his life. He could decide to stay and remain with the one that he felt offered so much more to learn, or he could return to the relative safety of the leashed freedom held by a family that had always held such control over his life.
It was his decision, one he had to make on his own.
"Kureno-san?" Tohru inquired softly. "What will it be?"
As he gazed at her, surety, an unfamiliar emotion that he hoped would one day be familiar, overtook him. He smiled at her.
And he made his choice.
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owari
I'm just glad it's over! Whew! =D
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"For a long, long time, I've only done what others have told me to do."
It was the first thing that came out of his mouth, the words seemingly coaxed out with a power of their own beneath her accepting gaze that appeared forgiving, though what it was that needed to be forgiven was not yet known. A part of him was surprised that he was opening up this way to someone so new to him but the other part didn't care about the niceties and continued to speak.
"Sounds pitiful, does it not? I haven't done much in the way of major decision-making on my own. If there was a time that I had, I don't remember it clearly."
Tohru said nothing, just sat and listened.
"Over the past decade especially, Akito was the most important thing in my life because I knew I had to do what he said and I did. I was always at his side, always doing whatever he commanded me to. Just like a puppet. It was easy in way because I never had to think for myself and it made him happy. And that's what always seemed to be important. I've seen what he can do to those he's not happy with so I always did whatever would satisfy him and keep him from becoming angry and turning his desire to hurt someone on me. It was cowardly, I knew that, but I kept doing it."
"You were trying to protect yourself," Tohru interjected quietly. "There's no shame in that."
His lips took on a sad curve. "It's nice that you think that. And knowing what Akito is like, maybe it's true. But it doesn't feel that way. I was always on the sidelines, always watching, even when others were being hurt. I didn't do anything but listen to Akito. It was all I knew. I resigned myself long ago to obeying the clan head for the rest of my life, however long it may last."
"But," Tohru interrupted, "that's what you had to do anyway, isn't it? The curse ties all of you to Akito-san like that so you didn't have any other choice. You shouldn't feel bad about something you have no control over."
"That's one way of looking at it." His expression showed frustration. "But there should have been another way, there just should have been." You shouldn't have had to get involved in something that was up to us to deal with or fail in trying to. What you did-"
"Was my decision," she interrupted calmly. "So if that's what's bothering you, don't worry about it, please. I don't regret the choice that I made."
"Maybe not. But, and excuse me for putting it so bluntly, you're an outsider. It shouldn't have been a choice you had to make – not for us." He shook his head. "What was he thinking?"
But the answer came to him almost as soon as he asked the question.
From his rantings about her, Kureno had gathered that Akito hated her, perhaps feared her, and wanted her gone, wanted her influence away from the Jyunnishi that he saw being stolen away from him by her. That was at the heart of his actions though his methods of dealing with it weren't quite clear, for puzzling out the twisted workings of Akito's mind was a difficult thing.
And now, Akito had what he wanted – her situated far away and banned from returning to her hometown and the Jyunnishi who remained there because, without her, they felt they didn't have anywhere else to go. And with no motivation, lost perhaps in guilt that they failed to do what they should have, driving them to any one direction, they stayed where they were.
So, despite the freedom granted to them by Akito and one girl's sacrifice, the Jyunnishi still remained by their god's side, giving him his victory and cruel satisfaction over those that he viewed as being against him.
If there were any winners around, it wasn't the Jyunnishi.
"Kureno-san?"
He glanced at her to find her gazing at him with that earnest expression of hers touched with concern. It was compassionate, that liquid gaze, and having had little experience with it in his past, he could only remain staring back at her, wondering what to expect next, silent and feeling slightly nervous as she spoke.
"I know you probably think badly of Akito-san," she commented softly. "I know that most of the others do, too. But I don't really thing he's as evil as everyone believes."
Kureno stared back at her in surprise. "You really believe that?"
"Yes, I do."
"How?" He shook his head disbelievingly. "How can you think like that? About him?"
"Well, I suppose I could be wrong. I haven't been around him as much as everyone else has, after all. But that's how I feel even if everyone else thinks differently. Now, I'm not saying that everything he's done in the past has been right or good but I don't think he's completely bad either."
Kureno looked lost. "If he's not bad, then what is he?"
She fell silent a moment, thinking. Finally she said, "A lot of things. It might be hard to believe but I feel that Akito-san may be hurting just as much as everyone else."
"What makes you so sure?"
"Well, I'm not really that sure. Like I said, I might be wrong. My judgment isn't always the best. Still, that's the feeling I get. After all, I have the impression that he has the potential to be much worse than he is now – he's not as bad as he could be. To tell you the truth, I'm actually a little grateful to him."
Kureno's eyes widened. "Why?"
"I know he doesn't like me very much." She smiled a little uncomfortably. "I'm sure you're aware of that."
An apologetic expression crossed his face.
Tohru shrugged. "Anyway, he's probably wanted me gone for a long while. But I'm sure he knew about my goal to at least finish high school since I've talked to Shigure-san many times concerning that and I know he seems the closest to Akito-san. But Akito-san waited until I had finally graduated before he gave me the choice of whether to go or stay. If he wanted me gone so badly, disliked me so much, he could have forced the issue and had me leave sooner, which might have made me unable to graduate like I wanted to. But he didn't. He waited."
"Honda-san, it's nice of you to think that was altruistic, but I don't believe that that really casts him in a better light."
"I'm not trying to cast him in a better light."
"Then what are you trying to say?"
"Nothing really." She gave him a gentle look. "Perhaps you think I'm trying to justify his actions, but I'm not. I know that no matter what I say about him, you're entitled to your own opinions that may differ greatly from mine. I've had this conversation with some of the others and I realize that their opinions about Akito-san didn't seem to change much after I spoke mine so I'm not expecting agreement with what I say or anything else. I'm only sharing my perspective, however wrong or right it may be. I just want to show that he may not be as completely bad as people think he is. That's all." Suddenly, she appeared a little uncomfortable, indecisive. "To tell the truth, I feel kind of sorry for him."
He couldn't help his utter surprise. "Eh?"
"Kureno-san," fingers fidgeted nervously, "you've been by Akito-san's side quite a lot, haven't you?"
He nodded, wondering where she was going with this line of questioning.
"Haven't you ever sometimes thought that you," she hesitated, "pitied him?"
He stopped the automatic 'no' that sprang to his lips; her question had been put forth earnestly and deserved to have it given his serious consideration. He had, after all, intruded here upon her unexpectedly and the least he could do was to attend himself to her words with thoughts as earnest as she was.
Casting his mind back, he sifted through his memories. Most of them centered around the worse moments, his rageful rampages, his punishment of others, his mercurial shifts in mood, his lost of control and violent outbursts that were sporadic but came with more frequency as time passed and his hatred of them continued to grow as well as his...
Desperation
He blinked at the thought, startled.
"You thought of something, didn't you?" came Tohru's gentle voice.
He gave her an uncertain look. "But...do you really think that he does what he does because...?"
"Akito-san's fighting, so I believe." Her gaze grew distant, contemplative. "But he may not realize what it is that he's fighting." She glanced back at him. "He's cursed too, isn't he? To bear your curses, to live a shorter life than you all?"
He nodded slowly. "Yes."
"It's not very fair," she said softly. "And time is not something he can control. His time is getting shorter, but it's not an enemy that he can order or touch or fight. But the rest of you, you who may have partial responsibility in tying him to his fate...you can be ordered and touched and fought against."
"He blames us?" His voice was equally soft.
"Perhaps, deep inside, he does. The anger he feels, the helplessness at his fate, the desperation...they may not be something he's acknowledged to himself. But they may be there, hidden in his heart, building and boiling until he finds himself lashing out without logical reason." A sad smile curled her lips. "He's lost."
"That may be so." He shook his head. "But that doesn't excuse him from what he's done."
"I never said it did." She tilted her head. "In this world, there are some people we can't help, not if they don't want it. We can only watch as they make mistakes and...feel for them."
"If he knew, he would never thank you for you sentiments."
"I know." She gave him a tiny smile. "But they're my sentiments and Akito- san can't control them. I'll feel what I want to feel."
He regarded her quietly, seeing innocence and compassion and also...a deep strength. It made him envious, seeing this person with such certainty about who she was and what she believed and felt.
"I wish I were more like you."
She blinked. "Eh?"
"You're so sure about yourself and where you go, what you do. You see deeper than others do, think of what other's do not, and you remain true to the whispers of your heart. You take the bad and make it good, turn it into something better. You're so..." he searched for the word, "complete."
Mouth parted, she stared at him for one silent moment.
And then she began to laugh.
Startled, he regarded her in surprise. "What did I say?"
Still chuckling, she waved her hand in a dismissive gesture. "You have the wrong idea about me." Her expression was all good humor. "I'm human, I make mistakes, I stumble. And I'm far from being 'complete' because there are still things about myself that I'm unsure of, still need to learn, still need to deal with. But one day," she sighed wistfully, "one day I hope to reach that point."
"I think you're almost there."
"Maybe," she said with a smile. "And someday, I'm sure you'll get there as well."
"I don't know how. I wouldn't even know where to begin to start."
"Well..." she trailed off, thoughtfully. "It begins with choices. From them we learn, make mistakes, and we grow. And...you've already started."
"What do you mean?"
"You made the choice to come here, didn't you?" Her expression grew more serious. "Akito-san's not going to like it if he finds out."
"No, he won't," he said quietly. "But he doesn't know where I went. And you won't tell him, will you?"
She shook her head. "I don't think he'd want to hear from me."
"No," he said, closing his eyes, reflecting.
This journey...had not been he was expecting, neither was she. She was both more, and less than his ideas of her had been. Their conversation had been enlightening to him on different levels, giving him thoughts of himself and others that he might otherwise have never contemplated. And though she spoke of what an uncertain person she was, she was still more formed than many other he knew.
Including himself.
He wondered what it would be like to be as strong in heart as she was, to be able to make the choices she had without regrets. What would it take to get to that point she was at? What else could he learn from her?
He wanted to know.
"Kureno-san?" her voice drew his attention. She was gazing back at him with a worried expression. "It's getting late."
He glanced towards a window, surprised to see the darkness that lay outside. He hadn't realized their conversation had lasted as long as it had. If he rushed, he just might be able to make it back to the station in time to catch the last train home.
"If you like," Tohru offered hesitantly, "there are plenty of extra rooms in the house. You can take one, if you want."
"I won't be imposing?"
"Oh, no." She smiled warmly. "I'd be glad for the company. But it's your choice."
He gazed at her, the one who was responsible for setting him on this path though she may not be aware of the full extent of her influence. This, he thought, was another turning point in his life. He could decide to stay and remain with the one that he felt offered so much more to learn, or he could return to the relative safety of the leashed freedom held by a family that had always held such control over his life.
It was his decision, one he had to make on his own.
"Kureno-san?" Tohru inquired softly. "What will it be?"
As he gazed at her, surety, an unfamiliar emotion that he hoped would one day be familiar, overtook him. He smiled at her.
And he made his choice.
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owari