AN: I've turned 25 recently, so consider this a late birthday gift from me to you. Just a little something to giggle over as I continue working my other stories. I know it's the wrong holiday, but it's my one shot.

Disclaimer: HP isn't mine.

Merry Christmas, Asshat

Draco had come to the conclusion that being a Death Eater like his father wasn't all it was cracked up to be. He had always been told that the Death Eaters protected the traditions of the magical world from the greedy magic thieves that infected their community like a disease, a disease that must be purged. Upon joining, against his will, Draco discovered the truth behind the silver masks of Voldemort's soldiers.

His home, once beautiful and illustrious, was made into a house of horrors. Everywhere lurked bloodthirsty convicts that had lost all sense of sanity and self control in Azkaban. They were constantly trying to one up each other. Lord Voldemort was no benevolent leader but a cruel madman that tortured his underlings on a whim. Those who pleased him were rewarded with females to rape and slaughter while those who invoked his ire… well… Draco had been under Snakeface's wand once.

And all over a girl.

Lord Voldy was pleased with the information Draco shared about Potter and his sidekicks. As a reward, the Dark Lord gifted him a girl. And he had nearly thrown up. He still remembered her so clearly due to her resemblance of his most secret crush. The girl's hair was a wild mane of curls just a few shades lighter that Granger's mahogany, her skin paler too. Her glassy eyes were dark green instead of Hermione's cognac. She was smaller, stick thin from both being naturally lean and starvation, unlike Hermione's short but curvaceous form. From the bruises and bitemarks on her skin paired with her lifeless gaze, Draco knew she had been someone else's gift before Voldemort gave her to him. Draco guessed that she was no older that 15.

She was crying, her soft and scream-scarred voice begged for her mother. The Death Eaters laughed at her whimpering. Draco had turned the girl away claiming he preferred willing partners as they were far more fun. The Dark Lord chuckled at his youthful notions and told Antonin Dolohov he could keep his slut afterall. After the revel Draco walked about his childhood home, trying to expel the memories of the night, when he heard choked sobs and harsh grunts paired with repetitive thuds of a headboard hitting a wall. Draco made to rush past when he heard call out the name of his crush since fourth year. He knew it was the room Dolohov was using and shuddered in disgust. Even if Draco hadn't been in love Hermione Granger, it still would have sickened him hear such a bloodthirsty sadist growling her name in pleasure.

Sixth year was halfway over and Draco was home for the holidays. The Dark Lord was growing impatient with his mission to murder Dumbledork and his mother was more attentive than ever. With those caught at the Ministry broken out again, including his father, Draco took care to be extra vigilant in his own domain. He had learned quickly that his father's plummet in status affected him severely and made him a target for the vultures. Draco Malfoy was no longer the untouchable heir to the Malfoy fortune.

He had no clue what to do.

It was dinner time on Christmas Day when a batch of presents was levitated in by a House Elf. Plue, Draco's personal Elf, smiled up at him with big watery eyes. "Friends of Little Lordy Malfoy sends gifts!"

A smile spread across his face. Blaise, Tracey, and Marcus couldn't be here, but it was nice to know they still thought of him. He eagerly accepted the beautifully wrapped parcels and made to unwrap one of the four until he was stopped by his father's berations. "Draco, your mother and I raised you better. No presents at the table."

"Come now, Lucius. It is Christmas." Narcissa grinned softly at her son. It's been too long since she saw a sincere smile from her darling boy. "Go ahead, dear."

Bellatrix cackled madly and scolded her sister for nurturing such behavior in her child. No one else seemed to care as they devoured the fourth dinner course of chicken bryan. The tension in the air was thick, everyone eyeing each other or kissing up to Snakeface that sat so smugly in his father's seat at the head of the table. Draco knew better than to say anything.

Happy with even a minor distraction from the hellish holiday meal, he happily unwrapped his gifts. Blaise had sent him a fine leather journal and griffin quill set. Tracey, who was most unwelcome in respectable pureblood homes being a halfblood and all, had still sent him a christmas present despite him having to pretend to snub her for her status. Draco cherished the young woman as a loyal and patient friend. She sent him a book of Applying Ancient Runes to Arthimancy. He had seen Granger reading the same book back in the third year and both Babbling and Vector both praised the Gryffindor for her prowess in both subjects. Draco heard rumors that both were thinking of offering her a joint Apprenticeship, a high honor bestowed only on the most dedicated pupils. And she would deserve it.

Marcus had sent him a Tutshill Tornados Quidditch jersey signed by all the players. Though Draco wasn't a fan of the Tornados, he supported the team that Flint had joined since graduation.

And finally, the last present. It was different from the others… wrapped in pristine white paper with shiny, opalescent snowflakes seen only when caught by the light when the others were Slytherin green. He had neve seen such paper before. Still, Draco was curious of its contents and who had sent it. He took care in unwrapping the paper and opening the light brown box. Draco looked inside and scowled in distaste.

He pulled out a stuffed toy… a toy that looked distinctly like a white ferret. It had a tag on its neck that made Draco shriek in outrage and throw the toy across the room.

The stuffed ferret was caught by one of the house guests, one Bartemius Crouch Junior that had escaped the Aurors and continued to serve his mad master. He looked down, tongue flicking in curiosity, and burst into mad cackling. "Draco, the amazing bouncing ferret! Bloody hell! That's hilarious!"

Severus, Draco's own Godfather, smirked ever so slightly behind his book. "Ah yes. The ferret incident."

Everyone at the table knew the story and promptly broke into laughter. Draco, seething with rage spotted a white envelope at the bottom of the box and proceeded to rip it open. Inside was only a card with two sentences written in elegant font.

Merry Christmas, Asshat

P.S. You'll never sleep again

"You'll never sleep again? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Draco shouted angrily into the air.

The toy ferret suddenly sat up and let loose the most annoying song any one of the room's occupants had ever heard.

"Dibidi ba didi dou dou Di ba didi dou Didi didldildidldidl houdihoudi dey dou…"

A song that muggles knew as the hamster dance emitted from the now jumping ferret, it's small bounces timed with the quickening beat.

Voldemort, and several others, grew tired of the noise almost immediately. "Malfoy, make that abomination cease this instant."

"Yes, my Lord." While Draco despised being ordered about by the snakefaced menace, he hated the toy even more. With a practiced flick of his wand the ferret caught fire in a whirl of orange and yellow. However, the music didn't stop. Draco looked on in horror as the flames died and revealed the white ferret, bouncing along to the beat as if to mock him. "No…"

The boy proceeded to throw every destructive spell he knew at the toy, all in vain as the music never stopped. Draco had even used the Killing Curse in an effort to shut the ferret up and still it played its merry tune.

"Die, die, die! Why won't you die?!" Draco panted furiously as more flames consumed the monstrosity before dissipating and leaving the ferret unharmed. He screeched with a rage he had never felt before. He had been humiliated that day. If being turned into a member of the weasel family wasn't bad enough, he was stuffed into Crabbe's trousers. All in front of Potty, his red headed shadow… And Hermione. Not to mention several students of Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang. Bring forced to relive that particular memory had revived the laughter, but from fellow purebloods this time. People who were meant to take his side.

Voldemort and his Death Eaters were growing more aggravated by the second. "Why is it still playing, boy?"

Not wanting to be on the business end of so many wands, Draco jumped to defend himself. "It won't stop! It seems to be impervious to destructive spells!"

"You're just doing it wrong!" Pettigrew threw a reducto at the toy and the room heaved a sigh of blissful relief at its explosion. Burnt stuffing littered the table and reeked of smoke. Pettigrew smugly tucked his wand back into his sleeve.

And this the stuffing started moving. The occupants could do nothing as the remains of the first toy assembled into two new ferrets, one continued facing Draco while the other fixed its beady gaze on the rat. "Dibidi ba didi dou dou Di ba didi dou Didi didldildidldidl houdihoudi dey dou…"

Frustrated screams echoed off the wallpaper as the Dark Wizards and Witches were subjected to the annoying song once again. The rat tried blowing the ferret to bits again, but it was just as resistant to spells as the original.

"Oh honestly," Bellatrix whipped out her own wand and pointed it at the toys. "Men are all alike. Repeating their mistakes until some either takes charge or smacks some bloody sense into them. Silencio."

A white light shot out of the tip of her acacia and phoenix wand and hit the ferrets, but the music didn't stop. In fact, it seemed to grow louder.

The dinner party glared at the crime against all wizarding kind as both continued to dance along to the beat. Thorfinn Rowle, a burly beater that would have played for the Falmouth Falcons had Voldemort not called him into his service, tiredly rubbed his face. "I can't decide if the person who made this is a mad genius or is downright sadistic."

Draco glanced down at the note. "Knowing Granger, probably both."

Severus pinned his godson with his dark and angry gaze. It wasn't often that Draco received his infamous glare, and Draco was reminded of the reason as shivers ran down his spine. "Granger did this?"

"I'd recognize her handwriting anywhere, and she has called me asshat before. Along with several other names I've never heard before: shrimpdick, numbnuts, an uncreative dildo. I mean what the hell is a dildo?"

A hint of red appeared on his godfather's cheeks at the word. "Nothing you need to worry about. Look, why don't you owl Granger and ask her how to make it stop."

"Because she won't make it stop!" Draco gripped two handfuls of pale blond hair and glared daggers at the singing ferrets. "She revels in my misery. Granger will let this drag on until I get on my knees and beg her for deliverance, be it by ending her sick punishment or outright killing me! She trained the Hogwarts owls to shit on anyone wearing pink last year! She still sends them en mass to the Ministry in hopes that they'll spot Umbridge and defecate on the bitch!"

"Hermione Granger is the reason I can produce a Patronus?" Oren Mulciber, father to Orias, had been rescued from Azkaban only to be replaced in the prison that was the Ministry. He had been part of the Obliviation Squad in the DMLE. Oren was hot headed and quick with his wand, traits he inherited from his own father, Octavius. He was known to be a monster of a man… at least until he was in the presence of his Muggleborn wife. Odette Mulciber nee O'Hara was the most mild mannered and soft spoken woman to ever grace the Pureblood circles in England. Said to have been the sweetest woman he had ever met, Snape once told his Godson that Odette was a musical prodigy and was able to soothe the many animals in her care. Snape theorized that it was her gentle and doting ways, and angelic voice, that was able to tame the beast that was Oren. The day she died had ignited the Mulciber men to side with Voldemort, believing that Dumbledore and his Order had been responsible.

Orias leaned into the table to peer down at Draco. "Is she the one who keeps sneaking in the Atrium and changing the statue? Because the day I went to work and saw Umbridge screeching at the likeness of her getting plowed by two centaurs at both ends is the reason I can cast a Patronus."

"Most likely! So what if you need years of training just to alter the etching on the plaques? Granger probably read a book on it and decided it sounded like right fun!" Draco attempted to rub away the growing ache in his head as the two ferrets continued singing. "Granger lives to make the toad's life difficult. She would go out of her way if it meant Umbridge's humiliation."

Lucius Malfoy pinned his son with a disappointed glare. "You sound unnecessarily frightened of the girl."

Draco gestured to the toys bouncing away. "As I rightfully should be! The bloody twat is demented! She doesn't let things go, she's clever enough not to get caught, and she can get incredibly creative with her punishments! She's as bad as everyone here! The only difference is she only hurts people who slighted her first!"

The Dark Lord growled and snapped at Pettigrew. "I grow tired of these ridiculous toys! Go fetch Greyback. He can track the girl and drag her back here so she can shut them up!"

The Animagus squeaked in terror and scuttled off to retrieve the Werewolf, a job no one envied him. Greyback was as unpredictable as he was vicious. Whether or not he took a bite out of his allies depended on his mood.

The second toy ferret that had sprung from existence from the destruction of the first followed after him, its little legs padding on the marble floor. Draco gaped in horror as realization set upon him. He looked down and saw his own tiny torment hopped a little closer. Its beady little eyes stared blankly at him, mocking him.

Rodolphus Lestrange looked on with a calm neutrality that was more prevalent before he went to Azkaban, or so Narcissa once said. "Oh good, the abomination will follow you. I'll just have to sleep on the other side of the house."

The song's echo could be heard growing louder as Pettigrew returned. I shuffled inside, the ferret following after, and he trembled as he addressed his Lord and Master. "Forgive me, my Lord. I was prohibited from reaching Greyback. A few of the members of his pack shot spells at me and told me to get the monstrocity away from them."

Draco shook his head and collapsed into his seat. "It wouldn't matter anyway. I just remembered she's staying at the castle this year. Her parents are on something called a cruise and she wanted to stay behind. I'll send a letter."

Voldemort sneered in disdain, "Then remain in your room with that revolting little hellspawn until you figure out how to make it stop! You too, rodent!"

Draco promptly left the dining room and rushed towards his only haven within the house. Safety was a mere illusion in this manor he once called home, but he would cling to it until it was ripped from him. While drifting through the empty corridors his mind was plagued with the girl that had created the tiny menace bouncing after him with a care in the world. As irritating as it was, he couldn't help but admire Hermione for the creativity of the little bugger. He just wished it hadn't brought his guests' attention to her.

That ferret might be seen in one of my stories later. Though I'd introduce it and see how people responded to a toy that never stops singing.

Be patient with me. School and waitressing take up a lot of my time. Being an adult sucks donkey balls.

Have a happy Howloween and a blessed Samhain. - SPN :3