Touch Me Blue

Strange. It's strange, when friends turn to lovers.

Seven days went and another Monday blue appeared to slap me in the face.

Sirius hasn't spoken to me for a week

But when I sit down by the table in the Hall, picturing a mess of flesh in my mind, he takes a seat close to me.

"Good evening Remus," says Sirius, almost singing. I see he's got flushed cheeks and his hair has an aggressive look, pointing in many wrong directions. Smirk. His eyeliner is smeared. I love the clothes. He's sexy.

I never liked Mondays.

Sirius grasps my hand and pulls me to my feet, peering closely into my eyes. I can feel his breath. Warm breath on my face. I have to stare back, stare back and force myself not to die.

Sirius drags me out of the Hall. I feel the heavy looks from James on my back. I don't even think I have to deny it this time.

Sirius swings a hand over my shoulders when we walk out into the gardens. Hums for himself.

"Once, man, once I knew a girl with a scar across her chest..." I close my eyes to listen carefully. "Chaining fools didn't keep my girl alive... I knew a lady with a scar 'cross her chest... And she slept in my Mother's tremendous arms..."

Makes me laugh, because he's so funny when he sings. I love him.

"I've decided it's time for a chat, Moony," he admits happily, or maybe not. It's so dark outside; I can hardly see his face. We sit under a crooked Maple, sitting on a bench; now his arm is around my waist instead. Gives me a funny feeling.

A squirrel runs across the wet grass, stops, and stares at us. Sirius mimes it, laughs and glances at me.

Bend over.

I gaze up at a night sky full of stars, waits patiently for Sirius to speak.

This is one of those nights when there are so many stars in the sky that you feel like you can see the whole universe, all the way to the end. If I don't lean against Sirius, I'll faint.

"I can tell you have not been yourself lately," he begins in a very diplomatic tone and looks down at me, takes his arm away, much to my disappointment.

There is silence. So, what am I supposed to say?

"Won't you tell me about it?"

"Tell you what?"

"James and I-"

"James?"

"- And Peter have been worried about you-"

"What?"

Sirius sighs, pats me on the head. "You don't believe in yourself, nor in us."

I wonder, was that an insult. "That's not true," I whisper.

"Oh Remus."

I look up at him fiercely, my mouth slightly open, my eyes transfixed on his red velvet lips. If I could bite them, and they would bleed, and I could taste the blood and lick up every trail of pain, and Sirius- would he still call me my name, smiling softly, a little stupidly, like that?

I'm weightless. Breathe a white puff.

"I'm the same Remus I've always been..." Damn fuckers, they don't notice me, not enough, can't they see I'm still the same, in the same silver chains? Silver chains burn a werewolf's skin.

Sirius dresses his woman-like smooth face with a frown, pursing his lips as he tilts his head. Boy, you look just like a girl in far too heavy lashes, and it's pretty.

This is that moment I live for, when Sirius leans closer. Barely, almost, he places his callused fingertips on my cheek, they trail up to my eyelids, fluttering. It tickles.

This is that moment that is being alive. When Sirius takes a deep breath and lets his hands fall-

Into my lap instead. I didn't expect that- No. Oh dear. He leans further closer, and peers at me with those inky black orbs of eyes, that can kill if he desired to. Maybe he does.

"You have to understand, Remus..."

That feeling that I want, that I hate.

"That I .. I have always..."

Been right? Been true? Been mine?

It's a sad feeling in your heart, after a great life, you die. Life is over, when he comes closer to my face, and his eyes are half closed, but looking deeply into mine.

"...wanted..."

To lay in bed? To be alone? To be with me? To save me, kill me, save me, thrill me, kill me, kill me, kill me, You've always wanted to make me.

Sirius, you're too close to pull away now. Too close to be my friend.

You can't stop laughing.

You want to see me take my last breath.

"I always wanted you to be happy Remus."

To finish pulling stings. To entwine your long, dangerous fingers with mine. And get caught in the wind and fly up two hundred yards and out of sight down to the end of the street into infinity.

You wanted to.

"I always wanted to be happy too."

Sirius smiles at that, cups my face in his hands and inches closer. It's like life slapping me in the face, when..

An arm, around my waist. I'm pulled to him. A hand, up my back. No, please Sirius, let go, your presence it flowing through every part of everything and I am overcome, for I feel your lips brush lightly over mine, so feather light and soft. I didn't know you could ever be gentle. Tonight I don't know what I used to know, I didn't know you could come this near the end.

Tonight.

You press your body against mine, perfectly I can feel your chest rise and sink, perfectly I can feel your heart beat steady, it doesn't flutter like mine. You're calm. How can you? How can you push me down on my back, against a damp wooden bench, and climb on top of me and straddle me. How can you?

I pull the motion up.

Am I beautiful? I am insecure, tell me, am I beautiful? If only I could be, when you are. So beautiful I would die for you, but you would have to die too.

You kiss me and wrap the chain around my neck, then lower yourself. Burn me with silver and scarlet and hot love.

Unfreeze me.

"Remus, I've waited."

"No."

"I've waited for this."

"No. Don't say."

"I've wanted you."

Kill you. Fuck you. How could you?

I'm getting scared and the silver is cold, against my skin, my neck, Sirius tugs at it, I whimper.

I don't want to die yet.

"I've meant to tell you, Remus."

You've meant to take me, you mean, you've made to make me. Fine. But before you enter me, I know I need to say something to you. One word. But not yet and I'm scraping at the chain at my neck with one hand, while you slowly undress me.

The garden is empty. Long gone are the students who could save me from this.

Don't die yet.

Why is Sirius silent? Didn't he have something to tell me? I thought he was going to tell me he loves me. I thought... I hoped... I had my hopes high. He doesn't love me. But he fucks me, he fucks me hard. I scream, I feel pleasure I feel hot pleasure I feel like a little child, I feel open I feel taken. I... Sirius. I... I'd... I'd love to love you, I'd love to hurt you. Make you my own forever, just like you hurt me, and took me. And for all my life I belong to your chain now. Stupid wolves, we bond for life, but you didn't know that did you?

Tears are running hot down my face. I feel hands holding me up, holding me close to their warm body. I want to sleep here, dream about saviour. But a second later I feel him go limp, I feel him shudder - I want to get up and leave - I feel him breathing heavily, he collapses on top of me. He's done. And there are... painful throbs, but I don't know where just... that-

I'm alive.. and for a second.. it's all that matters.

A/N: Hello everyone. I have lots of thanks to hand out. Much thanking indeed.

Ophel McNeil: *hands over black rose and faints* I am flattered. Dark is good, makes me cheeky. XD And I'll prolly continue this way - seeing as I always have before.

Eldarin (I do know who): Your English is NOT sucky! It's real good, actually. *huggles back forcefully* You're such a kind reviewer too. O.o; Sure you can handle my ego-boost?

J.Adelina: ^_^ Hey you Australian wacco. The only one who actually took my plead for talking buddies seriously. *bows* Da's Respect. Thank you.

I Love Snuffles: Aoooh! COOKIES! *gasp* *pant* *wheeze* *falls over* *munches* *cling* *dies*

La Mort Cramoisi: ... ehm. You know I'm nothing compared to you. T.T Arigatoo. I suck. You're brilliant. Thank you. Oh thank you high one. *gets down on knees ready to be executed by the Goddess of James/Snape slashing*

Louise: 'Lo girl. Long. time no see. ".ò I'm big time sorry for my absent-ness. You know you played a great part as a mentor and friend while I was completely off key. *hugs hard* And you even reviewed my fic. T.T I loff yoo.

Nita: Bwoo! O.o thanks! You like it? Really? Really, really? Oee! But still.. ehm. Fun? .... Oookays. Don't think Remmy-chan would reason that way, but OH well. He'll be fine. I think. Thanks! I'll show him all the pretty reviews I've got and we'll see. ^_^ Cheerios.