Trigger Warning: This story will explore anxiety and depression in depth. There are no graphic depictions of self harm and I will make it clear if that changes, but it still may be triggering.

"I don't know what's going to happen to us. [...] But I do know this: I'm all in, here and now, until I'm dead in the dirt. No matter how difficult it gets, [...] I'll be yours."
-Beau Taplin

He really didn't think anything of it when he picked up her phone to turn off an alarm that had started blaring. He used to use her phone all the time before their break up and, while he knew their dynamic had changed quite a bit since getting back together, he figured that was one part of their relationship that wouldn't change. So, of course, he was surprised when Jade practically launched herself across his lap to grab the phone from the nightstand before he could even look at it. She quickly shut off the alarm and tossed the phone towards the foot of the bed like it had burned her.

She ignored Beck's questioning look as she got out of bed and walked into her bathroom. The lazy atmosphere in her room that afternoon had effectively been broken and Beck found himself missing it immensely already.

When Jade came back into the bedroom, she couldn't meet his eye and he felt the heartache he had been so familiar with during their breakup all over again. Despite the numerous problems in their relationship, they never used to have secrets and they never used to be embarrassed around each other. He hated to think that they may never be in that good a place again. He hated to think that it was his fault; that ten seconds of doubt cost him that comfort and security he always used to count on around her.

She slid back into bed and pulled the covers up around her, but this time she stayed as far away from him as she could get. And that was pretty far considering that she had a king sized bed. The Scissoring continued playing on her laptop, but he wasn't really watching anymore and he could tell she wasn't either; she didn't react at all when Tawny stabbed Jack in the middle of the kiss that sealed their marriage.

Jade stayed quiet and detached throughout the entire school day. She accepted her coffee without giving him a kiss, stored her calc textbook in her own locker instead of his, and sat next to Cat in improv. The final straw came when she showed up late to lunch and wedged herself in between Cat and Andre at the table. Beck waited to talk about it until after the bell rang so he didn't draw even more of their friends' suspicion. They'd been working on making their fights less public.

Once everyone had hurried off towards their lockers, Beck grabbed her arm and pulled her into the janitor's closet. Jade didn't make any protests while he dragged her through the crowd, but she immediately rounded on him once the door was closed.

"What the hell, Dude?"

Beck didn't bother apologizing because he wasn't really all that sorry. He just launched into the speech he had been working on all morning. "Look, J, do I want to know what was up with the alarm? Of course I do. But I don't care about that nearly as much as I care about the fact that you haven't talked to me all day. You don't have to tell me what that was about, I'll respect your privacy. But please, Baby, don't shut me out just cause you feel embarrassed or afraid to talk to me or something. No shame, I promise."

She was quiet for a long time before she looked up from the floor and, when she did, Beck was met with a much harsher glare than he had been expecting. She still didn't say anything, though, and was saved from the pressure to do so by the warning bell. She pushed past him and out into the hall, not bothering to wait for him as she headed to their shared dance class.

He got the text at about two in the morning the next day. Luckily for him, he was finding sleep just as difficult as she obviously was and noticed the quiet buzzing on the nightstand beside him.

Can I come over?

He immediately released a breath and his head stopped spinning. His reply was almost instantaneous.

course. doors unlocked

He waited with bated breath for twenty minutes until he finally heard her mom's Escalade pull up behind the RV. Only a few seconds later, the door swung open and Jade rushed in. She stopped abruptly in the middle of the room, looking from him to the floor and then back to him, as if she had no idea what to do next. She started pacing, wringing her hands together and pausing intermittently to rake her nails down her arms or bite at her thumbnail. It was several minutes before she said anything, but Beck wasn't going to push her. Not just yet, anyway.

Finally, she took a deep breath- that she ended up choking on- and started talking. "After we broke up, I wasn't doing so well. I know you weren't either and I know it's normal to be upset over a breakup, but this was, like, way more intense than it should have been. Like, I couldn't stop my brain from spinning long enough to form any coherent thoughts and- and every time I thought even a little bit about the future, all I could see was, like, blackness- nothing concrete or good or normal. I would start hyperventilating whenever I tried to fall asleep or- or whenever anything reminded me of you and I never actually cried, but I felt like I was constantly about to. I couldn't do anything without panicking. My mom finally took me to a therapist after I punched a wall because she told me we were out of juice and- and- I mean, it wasn't just cause of the break up. Like, I'm not some needy little girl who can't be alone or threatens suicide the second she has relationship issues. I had these issues before, I think. I know I've had panic attacks before. You just, sort of, calmed everything down- and then you were gone and I didn't know how to handle that. So, anyway, the therapist gave me these meds and there's a lot of them that I have to take, like, three times a day and the alarm on my phone was to remind me and I couldn't not take them or just do it later because it throws everything off balance, but I didn't want to tell you yet because I was scared you'd be, like, freaked out and want to leave again. You're right, though, I can't freeze you out. And I wanted you to know, I was just scared."

When she stopped talking, her breathing was shallow and tears slid down her cheeks, but she didn't move. She just waited, frozen, for his reaction. He didn't say anything, just pulled her gently towards him until she realized he wasn't going to throw her out and fell into his lap, shaking with sobs. He hugged her tightly and rocked her back and forth until she stopped crying and her breathing evened out. He repeatedly told her that he loved her and that he wasn't going anywhere in the most calming, steady voice he could manage. It wasn't until she finally calmed down enough to pull away from him and look at his face that she realized he had been crying too.

Hi! It's been a while, but I should have quite a few things to post now.

This story is going to be a bit darker than some of my others, but it's an important one for me to write and I decided to post it in case it could help anyone else.

I have done pretty extensive research, but this story is largely based on my own experiences with mental health problems (much less severe that Jade's will be and not professionally diagnosed or treated). I know that everyone's experiences are very different, so please let me know if I get something wrong or if an aspect of the story seems unrealistic or problematic.

Hopefully I will be able to post some more fluffy stuff later tonight.

Thanks for reading!

-J