Unforgivable
By, Tigerlily
Summary: one-shot, sort or AU, angst alert, How Harry came to terms with the unforgivables. Can be considered pre-slash or non-slash between Harry and Snape.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but this uncharacteristically depressing non plot.
A/N: The story is told through the eyes of Hermione, Harry and Snape. **** denotes a change in speaker.
A/N 2: Decided to reload this story and tell you exactly who is speaking. I think people were confused.
****Hermione
"I have come to the conclusion, that there is no dark and there is no light."
I had a sinking suspicion that he was going to say 'only power, and those to weak to take it.' But thankfully he didn't say the infamous phrase.
"There are only those that do things for their own ends and those who do things for others. Good and evil are arbitrary sides that we have invented in order to feel better about our selfishness.
"We also cannot say that the "good" side has only people who do things for others. Nor can we state that the "bad" side has only people who do things for their own means."
Harry fell silent and I was reluctant to speak. He has become more and more reclusive as of late. I fear that any wrong move on my part will only push him further from us.
"I remember a time when the world was simple, Hermione. There was white and there was black, good and evil. Then I had the displeasure of meeting Cornelius Fudge, though I believe he is more stupid than malicious."
****Snape
His friends are stupid. She is stupid.
No, stupid is not the right word. Stupid implies that the general populace has a particular ability. No, very few have seen what the boy has seen and even fewer lived to tell the tale.
He is explaining to her, and in far more eloquent words than I ever could. Yet, she is looking at him with fear. She doesn't understand. When one doesn't understand, one fears.
****Hermione
"Then there is the greasy git, otherwise known as Professor Snape. He stayed that way in my mind quite contentedly until we learned that he had been spying for Headmaster Dumbledore" Here, Harry emitted a deep sigh. "It would have been so much easier if I could have continued to hate him. Although actually I realize now that I never really hated him. You can't hate a person unless you really know them. "
"Now that you understand though, what does this change? What are you going to do?" Harry is only one boy, talented yes, but still just a boy. He hates it when he is referred to as that, a boy, but he is still so young, so innocent. I wonder what he's getting himself into sometimes.
****Harry
She thinks that I'm innocent. I wonder what she would say if I told her I had performed the unforgivables? I wonder what she'd say if I told her I enjoyed it at the time.
It's an oddly wonderful feeling. In a distant recess of my brain I felt there was something incredibly wrong with the situation, but this mattered little when I felt so wonderful. Like an alcoholic who knows that every drink is killing him faster, I didn't care. I was exultant in the moment.
The power was flowing through my veins. I was providing justice.
It wasn't until the green glow had faded that I realized what I had done. No, I had realized long before then. After the glow faded I tried to accept the information. I failed.
Anyone who tells you that people look peaceful when they are dead is feeding you something. There are no words to describe how strange and awful it is to look at a person whose body is still warm, but whose heart has stopped beating.
Snape told me later that only a second passed before I started retching, but it seemed like forever.
It was long enough to have interminable nightmares about it.
It was long enough to have the image ingrained in my brain.
*flashback*
How could I have done that?! Oh GOD, the man's bloody eyes are still open. I think I'm going to be sick.
****Snape
I feel sorry for the boy. He didn't ask for this life. I realize it now. Before I believed that-
No, I wanted to believe that he relished being the boy who lived. I was angry and jealous. I'll admit that much now. He was just like his father though. He was young and brash, brave and foolish. He had everything and I had nothing.
Now I realize how foolish I was.
No one should ever have to intentionally kill another person. He's just a boy. He's only 16.
A nagging part of my brain even insists on remembering that I was even 18 when I performed the killing curse. I was a man. He is just a boy.
I don't know if it is better or worse that he has to be so different, even in this. Other people would mourn the loss of life, but Harry realizes why the Unforgiveables are truly unforgivable. Loss of life is one thing; ultimate control over someone else is another.
****Harry
I think that Snape's talking to me, but I can't hear what he's saying over my retching.
"I'm sorry."
Wait a minute! Did I just hear that right? Snape is never sorry about anything!
I must be looking at him like he's lost his mind because he clarifies.
"I remember when I killed my first man." He doesn't continue. He doesn't have to.
*flash forward*
****Snape
He's talking about me. Reason demands I be angry. But all I can feel is lightness in my chest. He doesn't hate me. He should, but he doesn't.
It won't last. He'll wake up tomorrow and remember that I tried to kill Lupin. He'll wake up tomorrow and remember that I made his life a living hell for 5 full years.
****Hermione
Harry's so quiet. He's looking out at the stars, but I don't think he sees them. I'm willing to bet he's thinking about the most recent battle with Voldemort. I'm startled when suddenly Harry speaks.
"He saved my life Hermione." I'm confused now. I assume he's still talking about Professor Snape, but which instance is he referring to? I must admit Snape has saved Harry's life very many times. Harry clarifies.
"I'm not talking about physically, though he did that as well. In fact he's saved me more times than I can really count. No, I'm talking about my sanity.
"I killed a man Hermione. I watched his life leave him in a single blow, a blow that I intentionally gave. He was no threat to me, not really anyway. I could have let him live. I could have hexed him or avoided him, but I didn't.
"Harry." I have to stop this. He's settling deeper into a cycle of guilt. I didn't know that he had killed anyone, but I'm not surprised. It is easy to reason things out when you are not in battle; when you're not going up against a full grown wizard that wishes you dead.
He doesn't seem to notice that I've said anything. He just keeps talking.
"He understood Hermione. He understood what it was like to kill another person. I never thought that I would ever find comfort in Professor Snape, but that night I did.
"I respect him." Harry suddenly declares with a note of finality in his voice.
I suppose I have to admit that I'm surprised. I never would have expected that this turn of events would occur, but life is a strange thing. Though, in a way it sort of makes sense.
Professor Snape has always seemed dark despite the fact that he has so much light in him.
Harry on the other hand has had to live up to the belief that he is the embodiment of light. He isn't though. He may be the savior of the world, but he is still human. He is every bit as dark as everyone else and I suppose this is a testament to that.
****Snape
He respects me. I cannot truly believe it. I would believe if he said he trusted me. I have long since proved my loyalty to Dumbledore. Respect though, is a different matter.
****Harry
I know he's skulking there. He's always in the shadows. He's always watching me. At first I thought it was for my own protection, but now I begin to wonder. I am no longer a clueless teenager. I have had to grow up. The fact I know that he is there at all is proof of my ability to take care of myself.
Why then, is he there? It's just as well really. I've wanted to say this for a long time, but it would have been suicidal to say it to his face. His pride would not have allowed me to pity him, to sympathize with him, or to respect him.
It is getting colder and colder. I have done what I needed to do. Now it is time to go inside and drink hot chocolate. Now is the time to pretend that I am not a murderer.
****Hermione
"It's getting rather cold out here Hermione, perhaps we should go in?"
I nod. I don't trust my voice not to crack. Harry is drifting from us. He goes farther away each day. First Ron could no longer relate and for a time I was able to be his confidante, but now even I do not suffice.
I suppose I should be pleased he has taken to Professor Snape, but all I feel is upset. I know that Snape would never hurt him. My feelings have nothing to do with Harry leaning on Snape and everything to do with my feeling useless. For the first time in my 16 years I feel completely and utterly useless.
"Yes of course Harry," I reply. "let's get out of the cold."
****Snape
I wait for the two of them to leave the terrace and then head towards the Dungeons. For one terrible moment back there I thought he saw me. There was a flicker in his eyes and then nothing. Perhaps it was just the light reflecting from the window. I am desperately trying to convince myself of this and utterly failing. I shake my head. Now is not the time to think of such impossible things. I have Potions to brew and tests to grade.
****Harry
Before the two of us left I hazarded one glance toward the shadow he resided in. I thought I saw the glint of a coal black eye, but it must have been my imagination. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't respect me.
Someday though, someday I will say all of this to his face.
Someday, he will respect me too.
By, Tigerlily
Summary: one-shot, sort or AU, angst alert, How Harry came to terms with the unforgivables. Can be considered pre-slash or non-slash between Harry and Snape.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but this uncharacteristically depressing non plot.
A/N: The story is told through the eyes of Hermione, Harry and Snape. **** denotes a change in speaker.
A/N 2: Decided to reload this story and tell you exactly who is speaking. I think people were confused.
****Hermione
"I have come to the conclusion, that there is no dark and there is no light."
I had a sinking suspicion that he was going to say 'only power, and those to weak to take it.' But thankfully he didn't say the infamous phrase.
"There are only those that do things for their own ends and those who do things for others. Good and evil are arbitrary sides that we have invented in order to feel better about our selfishness.
"We also cannot say that the "good" side has only people who do things for others. Nor can we state that the "bad" side has only people who do things for their own means."
Harry fell silent and I was reluctant to speak. He has become more and more reclusive as of late. I fear that any wrong move on my part will only push him further from us.
"I remember a time when the world was simple, Hermione. There was white and there was black, good and evil. Then I had the displeasure of meeting Cornelius Fudge, though I believe he is more stupid than malicious."
****Snape
His friends are stupid. She is stupid.
No, stupid is not the right word. Stupid implies that the general populace has a particular ability. No, very few have seen what the boy has seen and even fewer lived to tell the tale.
He is explaining to her, and in far more eloquent words than I ever could. Yet, she is looking at him with fear. She doesn't understand. When one doesn't understand, one fears.
****Hermione
"Then there is the greasy git, otherwise known as Professor Snape. He stayed that way in my mind quite contentedly until we learned that he had been spying for Headmaster Dumbledore" Here, Harry emitted a deep sigh. "It would have been so much easier if I could have continued to hate him. Although actually I realize now that I never really hated him. You can't hate a person unless you really know them. "
"Now that you understand though, what does this change? What are you going to do?" Harry is only one boy, talented yes, but still just a boy. He hates it when he is referred to as that, a boy, but he is still so young, so innocent. I wonder what he's getting himself into sometimes.
****Harry
She thinks that I'm innocent. I wonder what she would say if I told her I had performed the unforgivables? I wonder what she'd say if I told her I enjoyed it at the time.
It's an oddly wonderful feeling. In a distant recess of my brain I felt there was something incredibly wrong with the situation, but this mattered little when I felt so wonderful. Like an alcoholic who knows that every drink is killing him faster, I didn't care. I was exultant in the moment.
The power was flowing through my veins. I was providing justice.
It wasn't until the green glow had faded that I realized what I had done. No, I had realized long before then. After the glow faded I tried to accept the information. I failed.
Anyone who tells you that people look peaceful when they are dead is feeding you something. There are no words to describe how strange and awful it is to look at a person whose body is still warm, but whose heart has stopped beating.
Snape told me later that only a second passed before I started retching, but it seemed like forever.
It was long enough to have interminable nightmares about it.
It was long enough to have the image ingrained in my brain.
*flashback*
How could I have done that?! Oh GOD, the man's bloody eyes are still open. I think I'm going to be sick.
****Snape
I feel sorry for the boy. He didn't ask for this life. I realize it now. Before I believed that-
No, I wanted to believe that he relished being the boy who lived. I was angry and jealous. I'll admit that much now. He was just like his father though. He was young and brash, brave and foolish. He had everything and I had nothing.
Now I realize how foolish I was.
No one should ever have to intentionally kill another person. He's just a boy. He's only 16.
A nagging part of my brain even insists on remembering that I was even 18 when I performed the killing curse. I was a man. He is just a boy.
I don't know if it is better or worse that he has to be so different, even in this. Other people would mourn the loss of life, but Harry realizes why the Unforgiveables are truly unforgivable. Loss of life is one thing; ultimate control over someone else is another.
****Harry
I think that Snape's talking to me, but I can't hear what he's saying over my retching.
"I'm sorry."
Wait a minute! Did I just hear that right? Snape is never sorry about anything!
I must be looking at him like he's lost his mind because he clarifies.
"I remember when I killed my first man." He doesn't continue. He doesn't have to.
*flash forward*
****Snape
He's talking about me. Reason demands I be angry. But all I can feel is lightness in my chest. He doesn't hate me. He should, but he doesn't.
It won't last. He'll wake up tomorrow and remember that I tried to kill Lupin. He'll wake up tomorrow and remember that I made his life a living hell for 5 full years.
****Hermione
Harry's so quiet. He's looking out at the stars, but I don't think he sees them. I'm willing to bet he's thinking about the most recent battle with Voldemort. I'm startled when suddenly Harry speaks.
"He saved my life Hermione." I'm confused now. I assume he's still talking about Professor Snape, but which instance is he referring to? I must admit Snape has saved Harry's life very many times. Harry clarifies.
"I'm not talking about physically, though he did that as well. In fact he's saved me more times than I can really count. No, I'm talking about my sanity.
"I killed a man Hermione. I watched his life leave him in a single blow, a blow that I intentionally gave. He was no threat to me, not really anyway. I could have let him live. I could have hexed him or avoided him, but I didn't.
"Harry." I have to stop this. He's settling deeper into a cycle of guilt. I didn't know that he had killed anyone, but I'm not surprised. It is easy to reason things out when you are not in battle; when you're not going up against a full grown wizard that wishes you dead.
He doesn't seem to notice that I've said anything. He just keeps talking.
"He understood Hermione. He understood what it was like to kill another person. I never thought that I would ever find comfort in Professor Snape, but that night I did.
"I respect him." Harry suddenly declares with a note of finality in his voice.
I suppose I have to admit that I'm surprised. I never would have expected that this turn of events would occur, but life is a strange thing. Though, in a way it sort of makes sense.
Professor Snape has always seemed dark despite the fact that he has so much light in him.
Harry on the other hand has had to live up to the belief that he is the embodiment of light. He isn't though. He may be the savior of the world, but he is still human. He is every bit as dark as everyone else and I suppose this is a testament to that.
****Snape
He respects me. I cannot truly believe it. I would believe if he said he trusted me. I have long since proved my loyalty to Dumbledore. Respect though, is a different matter.
****Harry
I know he's skulking there. He's always in the shadows. He's always watching me. At first I thought it was for my own protection, but now I begin to wonder. I am no longer a clueless teenager. I have had to grow up. The fact I know that he is there at all is proof of my ability to take care of myself.
Why then, is he there? It's just as well really. I've wanted to say this for a long time, but it would have been suicidal to say it to his face. His pride would not have allowed me to pity him, to sympathize with him, or to respect him.
It is getting colder and colder. I have done what I needed to do. Now it is time to go inside and drink hot chocolate. Now is the time to pretend that I am not a murderer.
****Hermione
"It's getting rather cold out here Hermione, perhaps we should go in?"
I nod. I don't trust my voice not to crack. Harry is drifting from us. He goes farther away each day. First Ron could no longer relate and for a time I was able to be his confidante, but now even I do not suffice.
I suppose I should be pleased he has taken to Professor Snape, but all I feel is upset. I know that Snape would never hurt him. My feelings have nothing to do with Harry leaning on Snape and everything to do with my feeling useless. For the first time in my 16 years I feel completely and utterly useless.
"Yes of course Harry," I reply. "let's get out of the cold."
****Snape
I wait for the two of them to leave the terrace and then head towards the Dungeons. For one terrible moment back there I thought he saw me. There was a flicker in his eyes and then nothing. Perhaps it was just the light reflecting from the window. I am desperately trying to convince myself of this and utterly failing. I shake my head. Now is not the time to think of such impossible things. I have Potions to brew and tests to grade.
****Harry
Before the two of us left I hazarded one glance toward the shadow he resided in. I thought I saw the glint of a coal black eye, but it must have been my imagination. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't respect me.
Someday though, someday I will say all of this to his face.
Someday, he will respect me too.