A/N: Welcome back to my loyal readers and a hearty welcome to new ones!

Hey gang, glad to see you here. This story might demand a little more explanation than usual.

A couple of years ago, I published a little one-shot called Netherfield Math, that injected a bit of rationality into the whole courtship process. I've been kicking around another idea on the same theme for a while, so I wrote another one-shot, this time set during Mr. Collins' proposal.

That was well received, and some people asked for a follow-on, so I obligingly let my early readers vote. I had a short version and a long version in mind, so I took votes. In the end, it was about a tie, so I decided to do both. I'm a software guy, and we're notorious for feature-creep.

All went well, and the reviews were quite positive (much to my surprise). I honestly thought all the math would turn off just about everyone, but in the end, it did not. Now, several months later I have my longest, and most reviewed story ever. The long version was planned to be moderately long, but it ended up being really‑long because I kept coming up with side-stories that were essential to the story.

Now, it's complete, so feel free to dive in. I think this story has maybe my favorite Hunsford Moment of all my stories, and I believe a quite unexpected bit of backstory.

This is 3 stories in one – a short and silly one-shot, a longer and slightly less silly short story, and a full-length novel with some depth and breadth. You can read any or all of them.

As always, I love to hear from people, good or bad, so enjoy the story.

Wade

'Give a girl an education and introduce her properly to the world, and ten to one but she has the means of settling well.' Jane Austen

[Mr. Collins] "My reasons for marrying are, first, … … … … … To fortune I am perfectly indifferent, and shall make no demand of that nature on your father, since I am well aware that it could not be complied with; and that one thousand pounds in the four per cents, which will not be yours till after your mother's decease, is all that you may ever be entitled to. On that head, therefore, I shall be uniformly silent; and you may assure yourself that no ungenerous reproach shall ever pass my lips when we are married."

It was absolutely necessary to interrupt him now.

"You are too hasty, sir," she cried. "You forget that I have made no answer. Let me do it without further loss of time… …

P&P Chapter 19

"Please sit down, Mr. Collins. This may take some time."

Looking quite perplexed, Mr. Collins shook his head a few times, moved towards a chair, looked confused, and stared back at Elizabeth.

"Pull the chair out, stand in front of it, and lean back. The procedure will all come to back you in time, Sir."

Not sure if he was being teased or ridiculed, William Collins fell back on basic instinct. He had been given clear direction, so absent a compelling reason to demur, he would comply. The delay in her acceptance of his very fine proposal was inevitable, but she apparently wanted to drag it out. With a huff, he sat down, just as Miss Elizabeth was getting up from her chair.

"A moment, if you please, Mr. Collins. I require supplies."

With that, the clergyman watched in surprise as Miss Elizabeth went over to a desk in the corner, and came back with parchment, ink and a quill. The lady then sat back in her original position on the other side of the table.

The young lady mended the pen quickly with a penknife she had brought along, uncapped the inkwell, dipped the quill, and then sat in contemplation for a moment, before speaking.

"You make a good point about fortune, Mr. Collins. My parents have left me very little, which is very much to my disadvantage. I shall endeavor to do better. So, that said, let us begin."

Collins shook his head again but had no idea what was happening.

"First things first, Mr. Collins. What, pray tell, is the income from your living?"

Mr. Collins puffed up his chest, leaned forward and said with some determination, "It is a very good living, Miss Elizabeth. It brings in £600 per annum."

Elizabeth nodded slightly, dipped the pen and wrote on the paper.

Living £600

Calmly the lady then asked, "I assume you take in income from the business of the parish – marrying and burying, christening, common licenses, that sort of thing – how much does that bring in?"

Collins asked, "To what do these questions pertain, Miss Elizabeth?"

Not to be deterred, she replied, "I will explain it in due time, if you could just answer the questions, please."

Scratching his head in complete perplexity, Collins said, "Well, I never thought about it. I supposed I may only get a pound some months and five others."

Elizabeth said, "Well, I suppose we will have to work with that the best we can. I am certain there are other things you might do but let us assume an average of say £3 per month, or £36 per annum. That seems to lack ambition, so let us assume we could bring it up to fifty with some effort, shall we."

While he shook his head, she bent back to the paper and added more.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £50

Satisfied, she said, "Now, let us see. Being new to your profession, you probably have not set up other sources of income, but they will come in time. I met a lady in Bath last year, a Miss Austen. Her father is a rector, and he secured extra income by tutoring boys. Surely you could do that as well, and any gently educated woman can probably do the same for girls if necessary. Miss Austen did not mention how much money her father brings in, but I should think £55 could be done. Let us assume that for the moment, absent better information.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £50
+ Tutoring £55

She said, "And of course, the wife of a clergyman should not be idle. I assume there are kitchen gardens, coops for poultry and the like. I should think that it would be as easy to raise twice what the family needs as not, so no doubt some additional income could come from that. It would not be considered crass or disrespectful. Miss Austen assured me that it is quite common. I have no idea about the figures, so let us say £35 per annum as a good starting place. It could probably be increased by hiring local women to do the work, or even taking in farm children for a time, but that is a good beginning."

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £50
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35

Growing both alarmed and confused, Collins asked, "What are you doing, Miss Elizabeth? This is a simple question, with only two available answers. I do know how the game is played, though.

"Game, sir? I do not follow your line of reasoning. Marriage is a serious business, and I assure you, I am giving the matter its due attention."

"I am not now to learn," replied Mr. Collins, with a formal wave of the hand, "that it is usual with young ladies to reject the addresses of the man whom they secretly mean to accept, when he first applies for their favour; and that sometimes the refusal is repeated a second, or even a third time."

Elizabeth stared at him, and said, "I have neither accepted, nor declined, Mr. Collins, but I can assure you that when I do, it will be done rationally, and only once! Now, may I finish this chore?"

Smiling at the woman's silliness, Collins said, "I would by no means suspend any pleasure of yours,"

Somewhat frustrated, Elizabeth continued, "Well then sir, how big is the glebe for the parsonage. You have asserted that Rosings is a very grand estate. I know glebes generally range from only an acre or two to over fifty. What do you have, Sir?"

"Rosings is not just any estate, Miss Elizabeth. Perhaps I have not sufficiently conveyed its grandeur, but I can assure you that you have never seen the like in your life. It is the finest estate in Kent, and one of the finest in England."

Not to be deterred, she said, "Yes, yes, Mr. Collins… but some fine estates have tiny glebes, and some have large. Please answer the question, Sir."

Shaking his head in confusion, Mr. Collins finally said, "Forty acres."

"Ah, so bigger than most but smaller than some. A fair size, I should say. What do you do with it? I cannot imagine you farm it yourself! I can tell at a glance that you do not do very much, if any, such labor."

Gasping in shock at the very idea, Mr. Collins said, "That is where I have my ornamental gardens and orchards. I can assure you it is quite a suitable garden, and Lady Catherine herself has commended it personally."

"Ornamental garden!", she asked in shock.

"Yes", he replied in confusion.

Shaking her head, the lady thought pensively, and said, "No, that will not do. Please wait a moment, Mr. Collins. I need a newspaper article I saw last week."

His draw dropping to the ground, Mr. Collins watched as Miss Bennet walked over to another desk, opened a drawer, rummaged through some papers for a minute, clearly looking for something."

"Aha, here it is!", she said in triumph.

She walked back to the table with a single cut‑out scrap of newsprint, and said, "Here it is! Just what I was looking for! It is fortunate I remembered it."

Becoming more confused by the moment, Collins watched the lady scan the article quickly, before placing her finger right in the middle, and saying, "There! It looks like about £1 6s per acre for farm rentals in that region, so you could rent it to a farmer. Then of course, the farmer would have to pay the tithe as well, so that would bring it up to, shall we estimate perhaps £1 10s. That is about £1½, so for forty acres you would have around £60 per annum. You could of course do better by hiring farmhands and managing the operation yourself, but let us, for the moment, assume the smaller number, just to be conservative.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £50
+ Tutoring £50
+ Poultry £30
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60

Collins sputtered, "But… but… but…"

Not to be slowed down, Elizabeth ignored him and said, "Of course, there may be other economies to be had, but that is a good starting place for negotiations. That brings to around £800… a quite respectable figure", and then she bent to the parchment and wrote it down.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £55
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60
Income £800

Elizabeth said, "That is probably sufficient for the immediate needs of this discussion on the income side, Sir. Let us see about costs. May I assume the parsonage itself is maintained by the estate as is customary?"

Completely in shock and unable to think coherently, Collins eventually nodded his head, and Elizabeth carried on.

"Good, good. Now, as to costs. I assume you have perhaps two maids of all work, a cook and one footman. They will require a salary of £20 and their upkeep of course. I believe we can account a total of £50 for each, so that makes for an outlay of £150-200 for household help. Let us be conservative and use the larger number. It would always be possible to economize later by doing more work yourself."

She bent back to her paper and made the appropriate markings.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £55
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60
Income £800

-Servants £200

She looked back up, and said, "And of course, there must be a reasonable budget for occasional travel to visit relatives, apothecaries, clothing for children, and the like. I believe we must assume around £100 for those.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £55
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60
Income £800

- Servants £200
- Expenses £100
Net =£500

Thoroughly confused and sputtering, Collins focused on the most objectionable part of the entire discussion… well, the most objectionable part he could comprehend anyway. The most objectionable of course was that a woman was performing arithmetic right in the middle of a marriage proposal. The second most objectionable was that said woman was apparently better at it than he was, as he could barely follow along. He did not feel up to tackling either of those, so he latched onto something he could object to.

"I cannot farm the glebe. It is within sight of Rosings. My patroness would not like it."

Scrunching her head in confusion, Elizabeth said, "Ah, I see… I missed that part, Mr. Collins. That changes the entire picture. You did not tell me that Lady Catherine was in trade."

Turning red and gasping for air, Collins yelled, "Trade! Trade! Of course not!"

Elizabeth sighed, and said, "Oh, my mistake, Mr. Collins. I assumed that no estate owner could possibly object to farming, since that is how her grandeur, which you have mentioned many times, is paid for. She must be surrounded by 500 acres or more of farmland that she rents, not to mention the home farm and kitchen garden. I cannot imagine such a lady objecting to forty more acres. It is a plot so small she would hardly even notice it, and even if she did have anything to say about what you do with church land, which she does not… well, I just cannot imagine it. Nay, Mr. Collins. It is a settled thing. Lady Catherine will have no objection to farming the glebe, I can assure you. If she does, do not concern yourself. Your wife shall educate the lady properly, and all shall be well."

Being the longest speech Mr. Collins had ever heard from the lady, he began to entertain doubts about the entire enterprise, but the offer had been made and the power of answer was within the lady's hands. He could feel a hand squeezing his heart and thought he might well swoon on the spot. The very idea of 'educating' Lady Catherine alone was enough to vex him completely.

Being unaware of his distress, the lady continued relentlessly.

"Now, you see where I am coming to, Mr. Collins. You know of course that my father is but five and forty, so according to the actuaries, he is quite likely to live twenty more years. Many things could happen in that time. For example, my mother might die, and father could take a wife young enough to bear an heir. No, sir! Any offspring of your union should only count on your living for their futures, not Longbourn."

Mr. Collins, who had thought himself practically a landed gentleman already, felt near to apoplexy, but the lady carried on relentlessly.

"No, Mr. Collins… I am quite certain you must agree. Any Collins children must be set about in the world, and to do that, some economies must be made, and some money must be set aside."

Gasping, Collins could only spit out, "but… but… but…"

Elizabeth just carried on, "You must agree, Mr. Collins, that a clergyman cannot just fritter his money away. You object to my portion but think on this. Let us assume that any children will come within a year or two, and most likely marry before they turn twenty. That would give but twenty years to accumulate a portion."

Elizabeth turned the paper around so the gentleman could see it, and said, "Do you agree the sums are correct, Sir?"

Collins was not sure of anything at all, but eventually looked the figures over, (he hated figures), and eventually nodded.

Elizabeth turned the page back, took up the quill and said, "Now, let us assume that we put the excess into the four percents. Let us see, I have the formula somewhere here."

Collins watched in confusion as the lady went back to the desk, rummaged around a bit, and said, "Aha!"

She came back, wrote some incomprehensible scribbling on a small piece of scrap parchment, and then amended her previous document.

"Let us assume we need around £100 for food, clothing and miscellaneous expenses. That might be more extensive travel, unexpected expenses like burying any children who might die, paying a curate during holidays, taking care of sick relatives, that sort of thing, so that leaves a net of £400."

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £55
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60
Income £800

- Servants £200
- Expenses £100
Net =£500

- Misc. £100
Save £400 per annum

Once again, she turned the page around and said, "Does this seem reasonable?"

Thoroughly confused, the gentleman just nodded.

She continued, "Well, let us just say that goes into the four percents, and continued writing.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £55
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60
Income £800

- Servants £200
- Expenses £100
Net =£500

- Misc. £100
Save £400 per annum

£400 per annum over 20 years at 4% = £12,000

She sighed in satisfaction, and said, "Well, that is not the best, but it is not bad either. It would have to do. Now, as I can see that you are not a man of finance, Mr. Collins, I suggest the best way would be to just set your wife's pin money at £500 per annum. That is the only way with the pesky English laws to give her control over it, and it is essential that your modest income be handled properly. So, what say you, Mr. Collins. Are you in fact offering £500 per annum as part of this proposal?"

Sweating profusely, Mr. Collins pulled out his handkerchief, wiped his brow several times, and started, stopped, and looked for an escape from the madhouse he had set himself up for. He searched diligently, far and low, high and wide for an escape, and finally was hit by the obvious answer, as if handed down directly from the heavens.

"No, Miss Elizabeth. I will not set pin money at £500. It will not do!"

Feeling as if he had just won an epic battle worthy of a Viking, he wondered if he actually had to wait for Miss Elizabeth to officially decline his proposal before he escaped that madhouse.

The lady seemed less effected than he expected, but perhaps she just hid her trepidation better, since her 'offer' had of course been summarily rejected… he thought. There could be no two opinions on the subject.

Elizabeth said, "Oh, dear… Well then… Let me think. My figures are all correct, so it seems that you need… hmmm… let me see… Oh, I know!"

Mr. Collins looked at her in consternation, and timidly asked, "You know… err… What exactly?"

Elizabeth laughed, and said, "It is all so obvious, Mr. Collins. You need a wife who is willing to be more sensible. She must be more frugal than I am willing to be. She will want to limit your children to a small number, which is sensible for many women, but not for me. She will need to be willing to do with somewhat less. Now of course, she also must be gently bred and trained in the management of an estate, since she will most likely eventually be mistress of Longbourn. Give me a moment to think, Mr. Collins, if you please, Sir."

Collins stared at her in shock, as the lady sat in a fairly unladylike pose, elbows on the table, pen still in one hand, while she scrunched her face in concentration, and tapped her teeth with the index finger of her other hand.

After some moments spent in this matter, she yelled, "Aha! I have it!", while slapping her hand on the table, which made him practically jump out of his skin.

Much to Mr. Collins's consternation, the lady jumped up from the table, ran over to the parlor door, and yanked it open.

Somewhat to his embarrassment, he saw Mrs. Bennet and the two youngest daughters fall through the door and nearly collapse to the floor, but Miss Elizabeth barely noticed them. She walked deftly around them to find her sister Mary, took her arm, dragged her back into the breakfast parlor, shooed her mother and youngest sisters back out the door, and slammed it closed.

She dragged her younger sister over to the table, pushed her into the chair, and said, "Mary, are you willing to be Mrs. Collins for £400 per annum. Look at these figures. You would need to limit your children to a manageable brood, say no more than three, but I never thought you wanted very many anyway. Mr. Collins is a bit silly, but he is not vicious, and he is respectable. He has a good living, and an active patroness. What do you think?"

Mary looked at the figures for but a few moments, and said, "These figures are fine, Elizabeth. I actually quite like our cousin, and I should be happy to be his bride under these conditions."

Elizabeth laughed, and said, "There! Problem Solved!"

She quickly took the parchment and added a few more lines.

Living £600
+ M&B &etc. £55
+ Tutoring £55
+ Poultry £35
+ Farm Glebe 1.5 x 40 = £60
Income £800

- Servants £200
- Expenses £100
Net =£500

- Misc. £100
Save £400 per annum

£400 per annum over 20 years at 4% = £12,000

Pin Money: £400

Mary Bennet _

William Collins _

Elizabeth quickly slid the parchment in front of Mary, and said, "Initial here, Mary. I know our signatures count for nothing legally but let us at least acknowledge the agreement."

With a smile that actually, much to his surprise, lit up William Collins' heart, Mary initialed the appropriate place.

Elizabeth smiled at Mr. Collins, and said, "Well, Mr. Collins. If I recall correctly, you offered your hand in marriage to 'Miss Bennet'. Well, Miss Bennet shall you have. It is fortunate for all involved that you were not more specific, as there is no need for any unpleasantness involved rejected proposals, transferring affections from one sister to the next, that sort of thing. You have offered your hand in marriage to Miss Bennet, and Miss Bennet has accepted it. Sign here, if you will, Mr. Collins, and then I believe you should be off to see my father."

Shaking his head in befuddlement, Mr. Collins looked at Mary and said, "Miss Mary, I cannot say whether I have been hoodwinked or enlightened. I have only one question. Are you happy with your sister's machinations?"

"Quite happy, Mr. Collins. I am much more suited to be a parson's wife than Lizzy. We honor you for doing things correctly. It was right and proper that you first seek the eldest available daughter, and nobody could fault you for that. However, I believe myself to be better suited to the task, and my elder sister does not seem inclined to take offense. You have acted honorably, Sir, and I shall enjoy being your wife."

Elizabeth noticed that Mr. Collins looked somewhat less unappealing to her when he gave a genuine smile than the false one that he generally used. She hoped a bit of instruction from Mary would make something sensible out of him. Even regular bathing and instruction in table manners would be an improvement.

Elizabeth said, "Well then, just to follow the forms, perhaps you might like to ask the question again, unambiguously and privately, receive the answer and any displays of violent affection you deem appropriate to the moment, and then go to my father."

With a smile and a laugh, she bowed to Mr. Collins, kissed Mary on the cheek, snatched the parchment off the table for safekeeping, and went out to share the happy news with the rest of her family.

~~ Finis (maybe) ~~

A/N: This was written as a one‑shot, but I got enough demand for a Chapter 2 that I decided to indulge you. Wade