Hey everyone! AND THE HAPPIEST OF BIRTHDAYS TO NATH! I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAY BECAUSE YOURE THE BEST AND ILY 3 This fic is for her from when she proposed an idea and I kept it this long to surprise her with😈 Please go look at her wonderful, godly art! She's an amazing artist and an incredible friend and i'm so happy to know her

Request from Nath (nathvods on twitter, Instagram, and tumblr): what if the dysfunctional fam wants to give the puppy ridiculous names like spider dog and then aunt may comes in and says mini peter or something but peter is too stubborn and insists the name is sandwich and period?

Have fun and stay safe❤ 💛💚💙💜

It's been a long, boring patrol considering Friday nights are supposed to be the most eventful. Regardless, Peter sits on the side of a building at a 90° angle absolutely bored out of his mind. He huffs and rests his chin in his palm as Ned and MJ do their best to keep the silence filled. Mostly Ned.

"I'm pretty sure my arm fell asleep in the middle of the night and I got that weird with pins and needles feeling so my brain decided to have a dream where I was being poked with a sea urchin," Ned rambles about the dream he had last night. MJ rolls her eyes and resists the urge to bang her head against the wall. She loves being a part of Team Spidey, but tedious patrols that never seem to end grate on her nerves.

"Or a sea urchin snuck into your room and your brain was trying to tell you so you would wake up," Peter casually offers instead. His head flops to the side along with gravity and his mechanical lenses lower in apathy. Karen has the police scanner and news pulled up on his HUD, but besides that he's simply waiting in an alley for something, anything, to happen. At this point he'd even be willing to wash cars to help pass the time.

"You're right…how could I have been so foolish…" Ned whispers overdramatically, in usual Ned fashion. MJ scoffs, but joins in regardless.

"Sea urchins are notoriously evil," she reminds as if it's a well-known law.

"But they're cute," Peter counters in a whine, dragging out the last word. His breath is visible due to the cold and slowly rises up. He lifts his mask up to the bridge of his nose to let himself breathe a bit easier.

"Yeah," Ned agrees before continuing, "but you can't pet them." Peter gasps indignantly, as if he was just insulted.

"Not every cute thing is meant to be pet."

"Porcupines for example," MJ backs him up. She never necessarily takes a side, she chooses to add in her opinion whenever it comes up. It's an occasional devil's advocate statement here or a matter-of-fact comment there.

"Yeah but you can pet porcupines," Ned shoots right back effortlessly. Peter really hopes this isn't going to be a semantics debate. Part of him wants to end patrol early and go home since it's obvious that nothing's happening, but the other part of him is too prideful to end before 8 pm. May and Tony would probably be ecstatic…which partly makes him want to stay out longer.

"You can pet with the spikes instead of against them," he points out in a mumble, continuing the borderline pointless conversation. The distinct sound of a can rattling piques his interest. His head shoots up and his mechanical lenses widen.

"You say that like you can't pet individual urchin spikes," MJ continues the deliberation having not heard the noise on Peter's end.

"Yeah, but do they like being pet is the real question," Ned proposes as Peter cranes his head to see the past the dumpster and piles of trash bags. No one could be hiding back there, there's no space, Peter ponders, but pulls his mask down the rest of the way. Just in case. Though, his Spidey Sense isn't going off, so that's a good sign? "Plants like being pet, that's scientifically proven."

"Plants are plotting to kill us," MJ says without missing a beat. Ned opens his mouth to retort before realization at what she said sinks in.

"What?" he asks with mild confusion.

"Guys," Peter tries to snap them out of their conversation, "I heard something. Gonna check it out. Karen?" Without even having to ask, his HUD is switched to infrared so that he can see any possible heat signatures.

"Thermographic camera activated," Karen kindly confirms.

"Probably just rats?" Ned hopefully provides, but MJ narrows her eyes in suspicion. Something doesn't sit right with her…

"I thought you weren't supposed to touch the leaves…" she wonders aloud, still caught up in the debate.

"It's been proven that plants whose leaves are pet grow faster. What you're not supposed to do is water the leaves without the sun, 'cause they'll mildew. May taught me that. Now, back on topic," Peter quickly rambles out to put an end to the halfhearted argument and jumps to the ground silently, "something's here. I heard it." He keeps his voice hushed and slowly moves towards the seemingly normal dumpster.

"That conversation was a rollercoaster holy crap," Ned whispers to himself, but it still comes through the comms. MJ immediately shushes him, now focused on the sudden tension.

Peter takes carefully placed steps forward, one foot in front of the other, with his web-shooters raised and ready. Team Spidey waits with bated breath as he inches forward. Something suddenly jumps out from behind the dumpster, causing Peter to startle and shoot an unaimed web forward. Ned yelps at the commotion, fearing for his friend's life, and MJ grips the monitor in front of her.

"Peter?!" she calls with a tight voice, despite her unseen worried expression. Peter's wide eyes stare at the sight before him; his web veered off to the side and stuck to the slightly damp pavement, but what has his attention…is the dog. A cowering, shaking, frightened dog. Their gray ears are pulled back and they look ready to bolt at any sudden movement. Peter slowly raises his hands, in hopes of showing the dog that he isn't a threat, and kneels down.

"Hey there," he says softly, lifting up his mask a bit to that he's in fact human. "What are you doin' all the way out here, buddy?" He holds out his hand limply as a sign of peace, but waits for the dog to come to him at his own pace.

"Uh, Peter? Who are you talking to?" Ned finally speaks up. MJ has calmed down since the sounds of a fight didn't ensue. After being with the team for countless patrols, she knows a fight when she hears one.

"Stray dog, no collar," Peter whispers before saying louder, "You're a good boy, huh?" He smiles as the dog cautiously approaches him and sniffs his hand. After a few seconds, the dog nuzzles his hand and Peter pets the top of their head.

"You know you can't have a dog," MJ blatantly points out, already knowing what Peter is thinking.

"But you're so cute, aren't you? You wouldn't be a problem," Peter mumbles with a smile as he ruffles the dog lovingly. The dog's tail starts to wag, which he takes as a sign of agreement. "You hungry? I have a sandwich in my bag, how's that sound?" He ignores MJ's sigh of annoyance at being ignored. Then, Ned chimes in.

"Sorry, I'm with MJ this time. Remember when you tried asking May for a hamster? For, like, weeks? And she never gave in? And you're allowed to have hamsters at the apartment. You aren't allowed to have dogs." He makes very valid points, but Peter is too busy fishing a wrapped sandwich out of his backpack to listen.

"Here you go, it's chicken," Peter reassures as the dog smells it before happily taking it.

"You're getting attached," MJ points out monotonously. She feels like the only voice of reason. At least she has Ned on her side.

"…What should we call them?" Ned sheepishly asks. Looks like MJ is the only voice of reason.

"You're getting attached," she repeats in the same tone. Nevertheless, Peter smiles at the dog, already attached. None of them are surprised.

"Do you like the sandwich? I hope so, because I was kind of looking forward to that." He remains crouched, with his elbows resting on his knees, as the dog eats. "That's gonna be their name. Sandwich," Peter answers Ned's question resolutely. MJ slowly closes her eyes to maintain her composure and rubs her forehead.

"Sandwich? Really?" All she can do is hope that the idiocy isn't contagious, or that there's at least a cure. Ned nods slowly to himself, mulling over the idea.

"Awesome," he agrees with a smile.

"Why?" MJ implores, though she doesn't know why exactly she wants to understand. Peter shrugs his shoulders before elaborating.

"Gender neutral," he easily supplies. MJ's eyes narrow skeptically as the comms stay silent for a few brief moments.

"…Fine, that's fair." Now she knows the idiocy is contagious. The boys cheer victoriously and Sandwich's head tilts in curiosity. "But when May inevitably gets upset, I'm throwing you both under the bus."

"Y'know, as someone who's been hit by a bus, I don't really wanna experience that again," Peter responds honestly, only adding to MJ's barely-concealed stress.

"You're going to tell me about that later," she practically demands, leaving no room for argument. Peter nervously rubs the back of his head. There's no way he's getting out of that one without a lengthy lecture.

"Or I could just tell you about it while Peter swings home," Ned offers nonchalantly. He had been there, after all, so it's easy for him to recount.

"Ned!" Peter has never felt such a brutal betrayal.

"But it's not like I'm bragging about being apart of Team Spidey longer," Ned also feels the need to point out. He tries to act casual, but it doesn't exactly come out that way.

"More importantly," MJ continues as she ignores their bickering, "how do you plan to swing back to your apartment with Sandwich?" She…makes a good point, Peter mentally notes.

"Don't worry about it! I'm Spider-Man, remember? It'll be easy," Peter confidently assures and waves her off despite her inability to see the gesture.

"Mhm," MJ hums before disconnecting. As soon as her screen goes black and her audio cuts out, Peter lets out a breath. If anyone knows how to reprimand him, it's May and MJ.

"You have no idea what you're gonna do, do you?" Ned asks carefully, all but reading Peter's mind.

"Nope," Peter confesses brazenly. It's too late when he realizes the mistake he just made.

"Did you two losers forget that I can still hear you?" MJ's voice comes through his suit, her face popping into Ned's camera view. Ned and Peter freeze, not daring to move a muscle. Peter forgot that this time, Ned and MJ are in the same room for patrol. His room. At his apartment. Looks like they'll all have to explain Sandwich to May. "Hurry up and get back, May's almost done with dinner," MJ informs before turning off Ned's feed too.

"Man, being a superhero is stressful," Peter mumbles to himself, looking down at his newfound friend. "You know what I mean, right?" Sandwich tilts his head, one of his fluffy ears dropping to the side. An utterly endearing trait. "I knew you'd understand. Ready to go home?" Peter smiles encouragingly and pulls his mask back down. Now what he's about to do might seem crazy, but in his defense it sounds crazier than it will actually be. Probably. Maybe. Sandwich stares up at him with expectant, trusting eyes and Peter puts his plan into motion.

Turns out, swinging across Queens with a dog in one arm isn't the easiest feat. Of course, Peter has gone through more challenging experiences in the past, but those experiences hadn't included one-arm swinging, a rambunctious pup, or an uncomfortable amount of slobber.

Somehow, they manage to make it home unhindered…despite the slobber which he'll have to wash out of his suit. He lands on the side of the apartment, facing away from the street, and knocks lightly on the window. A few seconds later, the window opens and he quickly crawls inside.

"How was the swing over?" MJ asks, somewhat curious. It's also hard not to notice the dark patches of dog drool across the webbed fabric.

"Great! Sandwich is a natural," Peter assures enthusiastically after taking off his mask. Sandwich immediately starts smelling the new additions. Ned's eyes go wide in awe when Sandwich starts licking his fingers and does his best to contain his squeals of joy.

"Guys! Did you see that! They like me!" he exclaims and kneels down to Sandwich's level to pet him heartily. MJ carefully inspects Sandwich, then smiles ever so slightly.

"Okay, they're kind of cute," she concedes as she rubs behind the dog's scruffy ear.

"See, even you can't resist cute dogs." Peter smiles triumphantly while MJ shoots him a challenging glare, practically daring him to push his luck.

"Ned! MJ! Is Peter back yet?! Dinner's ready!" May's voice calls from the other room. The three teens make instantaneous eye contact, their faces blanching before looking to Sandwich. Without a single word, they scramble to get Sandwich on the bottom bunk of Peter's bed and sit in front of him casually to block May's view. Just as they're situated, the door opens. May walks in with a smile and eyes the three teens. "Oh, there you are. When did you get back?" she asks Peter.

"Me? Oh, um, y'know. Just now. Just crawled in the, uh, window." Peter nods a few times to accentuate his words. Lies to protect his family from his superhero alter ego he can do, but fibbing is not his forte. Even if it's for a good cause. May's eyes immediately narrow skeptically and she rests her hands on her hips. Before she can interrogate them, Ned cuts in.

"He did! I saw it and everything. We were just about to come and tell you," he corroborates. It takes everything MJ has to not roll her eyes. How did they ever keep the Spider-Man secret from her for so long? How are they still keeping it a secret from anyone? She chooses to stay quiet instead of digging their grave deeper, but doesn't move from her spot. May, of course, isn't convinced.

"You might have a Spidey Sense, but I have an Auntie Tingle," she reminds. Peter winces and just about groans.

"May, please don't say 'tingle' and 'Spidey' in the same sentence," he whines as his face reddens slightly. MJ can't help but snort and shoot him a smirk, whereas Ned devolves into complete laugher. They don't get much further before there's suddenly a knock at the door. May perks up, momentarily distracted, and turns away from them.

"That must be To-" She's cut off by a loud bark and the sound of claws clacking against the hardwood floor. As soon as the knock was heard, Sandwich had burst out from behind the teens and bolted for the front door. The three sit in shock, eyes wide, and even May is frozen in surprise. She expected they were hiding something, but a dog wasn't one of them. Peter is the first to jump to his feet and bolt to the door where Sandwich is barking repeatedly at the intruder.

"Woah, buddy! It's okay! It's just Mr. Stark! It's- and we're busted…" he realizes as May stands behind him, tapping her foot expectantly.

"Don't say 'we' and drag us into this," MJ complains, her arms crossed.

"Hey, at the very least you guys are enablers," Peter doesn't hesitate to counter. Ned nods in agreement and MJ supposes that's an accurate summary. May prays that she'll have enough patience for this, but first opens the door. Tony stares at the group of misfits cautiously, having heard the chaos through the door.

"Is this a bad time?" he questions carefully. "I could've sworn the dinner was for Wednesday at six o'clock." He shuts the door behind him when he notices Peter in his suit, without the mask on, and raises a curious eyebrow at the scene before him.

"No, you have the right time," May assures, overly casual. "I was just about to ask Peter what's going on." All eyes turn on Peter, who chuckles awkwardly.

"Well, the thing is, we kind of-"

"We were out on patrol which was, like, super boring and we were talking about my dream last night and how urchins totally don't like to be pet but plants do when there was a scary noise and I thought Peter was in trouble and MJ freaked out but it was just a dog so we brought them home." Nothing but stunned silence follows Ned's recounts the insane events of the last hour.

"…We named them Sandwich," Peter quietly informs as if it'll sway the adults' minds. More silence.

"I didn't freak out," MJ grumbles indignantly, her bottom lip sticking out slightly.

"What kind of name is 'Sandwich?'" Tony inquires, asking the most pertinent questions as always.

"They like sandwiches!" Peter is quick to defend. Tony still gives him an unconvinced look.

"I personally liked Spider-Dog," Ned interjects, even though he never suggested it aloud. Peter gives his best friend a look that practically screams "are you serious?" "What? He could be your sidekick!" He simply huffs and sits cross-legged next to the sweet dog, who happily licks his face in support. May sighs, seeing how happy the dog makes her nephew, but that doesn't change the fact that the building doesn't allow dogs.

"More like a Mini Peter," MJ offers instead.

"How about Thing One and Thing Two?" Tony offers, trying to lighten the mood. It's hard not to notice the look on May's face. He can tell it's going to get emotional, and he doesn't do well with emotions.

"Sweetheart," May starts, "we can't keep…Sandwich. They don't allow pets, we both know that." She tries to say it as gently as possible and everyone in the room quietly gauges Peter's reaction.

"Yeah, but I doubt they allow superheroes either!" Peter almost desperately opposes. "If I can hide my secret identity, then I can hide a dog. Easy peasy." He avoids their sympathetic gazes by looking at Sandwich. Tony presses his lips together in thought, then plainly states,

"You're secret identity doesn't bark."

"But I'll train him! He won't bark and I'll feed him and, and wash him and play with him, I swear!" Peter looks up at May with those hopeful, brown eyes. Those eyes have gotten him plenty of things in the past, breaking down her will in seconds, but this time…

"Peter-"

"The Tower." Everyone looks to Tony who suddenly blurted out the words. Tony looks back at them, equally shocked. Shit shit shit shit shi-

"The Tower?" Peter slowly repeats. What does the Tower have to do with this?

"Uh…yeah. The Tower doesn't have anything against dogs," Tony continues with mild uncertainty. What the hell did I just get myself into…Pep's gonna kill me. May stares at him for a few painstakingly long moments.

"Is he saying what I think he's saying?" Ned asks in awe, his mouth parted slightly. MJ nods mutely, but is just as caught off guard as he is. She wouldn't have expected Tony to so easily provide his own space for Sandwich.

"Wait, are you serious, Mr. Stark?" Peter looks up at him with those same eyes. May might be immune to the puppy eyes, but Tony certainly isn't. He clears his throat and turns his gaze on May, mostly to avoid Peter's eyes.

"As long as it's okay with your aunt." He beams at May triumphantly as she pins him with a look of halfhearted betrayal. Then she realizes that it'll be more of a hindrance for him in the long run. She supposes that's punishment enough.

"Alright, but Sandwich is your responsibility," she pins her mom tone on Peter instead, "understand?" In response, she's tackled by a hug, arms encircling tightly around her waist.

"I love you! You're the best!" Peter thanks wholeheartedly. May smiles and hugs him back, tucking his head under her chin.

"I love you too, troublemaker." As quickly as Peter attached to her, he bolts over to Tony and crashes into him with the same hug.

"Thanks, Mr. Stark! You won't regret it! I'll come over and walk him and play with him and feed him before and after school!" the teen rambles excitedly. Tony awkwardly pats his back in an attempt at encouragement.

"Sure thing, kid. No problem." And just like that, Peter is back on the ground happily ruffling Sandwiches fur along with Ned and MJ. One thing's for sure, Sandwich is going to be the most loved and spoiled dog in the galaxy.

Next one shot: The Spidey and the Hawk! January 24th, Peter, Tony, and (comic) Clint fight banter!

Thank you for reading!❤ 💛💚💙💜

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