A/N: Crosspost from AO3. I'm honestly not sure if anyone still reads this fandom? But I found the Death Note Musical and got all nostalgic. Also, declawed villain protagonists starring in crack fics is baaaasically my wheelhouse (See: Seventh Horcrux). So I just couldn't resist.

Light Yagami was used to being worshipped. After years of praise and admiration, the whole "I am a God" thing came naturally to him. It had honestly never occurred to him that when he finally liked someone, they wouldn't be interested in him.

Now, however, he was feeling a sudden wave of sympathy for all the girls whose hearts he had carelessly broken back in high school. Confessing your feelings to someone you cared for was absolutely terrifying.

In retrospect, this whole situation was Sayu's fault.

"You are such a jerk, big brother," Sayu had declared shortly after he had finally returned home after months of imprisonment at L's headquarters.

Light raised an eyebrow, an amused smile tugging at his lips. "Am I?"

She huffed, glaring at him. "Don't play dumb! First, you disappear for months to hunt Kira, and now I have to find out about your boyfriend by playing detective."

"Sayu, you're being ridiculous."

Sayu rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. So you're telling me that Ryuuzaki isn't your boyfriend?"

"No, Sayu," Light said. "He's just a colleague. And perhaps a friend."

"You shared a cake."

Light shrugged. "He was being pushy."

"And held hands."

"He's very tactile."

"He stares at you like all the time."

"He's a detective, and he treats everyone like a suspect. He is observing my behavior."

"He was observing your ass," Sayu said coolly.

Light's brain short-circuited.

"Oh my God," Sayu crooned. "You're blushing. You do like him!"

"Maybe," Light said calmly, grasping at the last shred of his dignity.

"You should confess!"

Light, having no prior experience with heartbreak, decided to do research into the matter. There are limits to the knowledge one can find via books and online research, however. He would have to talk to an expert.

"Matsuda," Light said, cornering his coworker by the coffee machine. "You get rejected a lot, right?"

The other man glanced up from the slowly brewing pot and mumbled, "Well, I wouldn't say a lot…"

"How do you deal with it?"

Matsuda shrugged. "Um, you just do, I guess. Y'know, you get back out there. Maybe you eat some ice cream or take a walk. Whatever will cheer you up."

"Ice cream…" Light repeated thoughtfully, then forced a smile. "Thank you for your advice."

"I don't mean to pry," Matsuda said slowly, "but do you like someone?"

"Yes," Light said, "though I'm not sure why I'm bothering to confess. It's just going to be an exercise in humiliation."

Matsuda grinned. "Light, I have a really hard time picturing any girl turning you down."

"He's a guy, actually," Light said.

"Oh! Um. That might hurt your chances a bit, but still. I mean, I'm a guy and, erm…" Matsuda turned and began pouring coffee into his mug."Well, anyway, you'll probably be fine."

"He thinks I'm a serial killer."

Matsuda yelped as he splashed hot coffee onto his hand. "You're interested in L? N-not that's there's anything wrong with you liking L. You should, uh, feel your feelings."

Light leaned back against the countertop. "Trust me, if I could crush them, I would. He's probably going to be all 'Seducing the enemy, Light-kun? Your odds of being Kira are now 100%' and then execute me."

Matsuda ran his burned palm under cold water. "Ah, it probably won't be that bad. You should be more optimistic."

"That is me being optimistic," Light said. "At least then I won't die of embarrassment. There's no way he believes that I'm not just screwing with him."

"I could vouch for you if you like," Matsuda suggested.

"He thinks you're dumb," Light said, politely leaving out the fact that Light also thought Matsuda was dumb. "Besides, even if you showed him a recording of this conversation—and you know he's hidden a camera around here somewhere—he would still just be like 'Ah-hah! Kira thinks that he can trick me. But he doesn't know that I know that he knows that I know that he knows that I know…' And so on until we all die of old age."

Matsuda said, "Have you thought about kissing him?"

Light sighed. "Constantly."

Light spoke into his phone. "Misa, I need your help."

"Anything for you," came her passionate reply.

"Good. I'll be there in an hour. Also, I'm gay." Light immediately hung up, then did a little light reading on Worm Theory while he gave his self-declared girlfriend time to process the news. With any luck, she would be mostly coherent by the time he arrived.

Misa opened the door with a cheerful smile on her face, cried-out eyes mostly restored with cosmetics. "Light-kun! Are you alright? You hung up so suddenly."

"I'm great. But enough about me," Light said. "How are you? I know it must be hard to realize that we will never be together…"

Misa flinched at his declaration, but said, "I think I'll be okay. I mean, I always kind of knew that you didn't love me as much as I loved you. It's a relief to realize that it's because you couldn't."

"Of course. If I were straight, then I would definitely be in love with you." One of these days, Light thought as he stepped into Misa's apartment, all the lying was going to catch up to him. But not today. "Unfortunately, I am not...and I have feelings for someone else."

"That was fast," Rem remarked from her perch on Misa's bedpost.

Light ignored the shinigami. "We're star-crossed. If I'm ever going to find true happiness with my love, then I need your help, Misa."

The blonde's eyes widened. Hook. Line. Sinker. "Of course I'll help, silly! Who is it? Oh, it's that pervert Ryuuzaki, right?"

Light blinked. "How…?"

"Oh, I knew this would happen!" Misa continued. "Spending all that time just breaths apart. Showering together. Sharing a bed."

"It's really not like you're imagining." Light thought back to L massaging Light's feet. The other man looking up at him with dark eyes. Light reaching down to towel dry his mop of black hair. "...It's mostly not like you're imagining."

Misa squealed.

"I made this for you," Light said stiffly. "It's chocolate."

L stared at Light, ignoring the box held out toward him. "Is it poisoned?"

"No," Light said, adding irritably, "I'm not an idiot."

"Watari is perfectly capable of bringing me all the sweets that I require. Light-kun doesn't need to go to the trouble of making chocolates."

This was a bad idea. In all fairness, Light should have known that when Misa suggested it. "Will you just take the damned box already? You don't even have to eat them."

"Then what's the point?" L said, turning his attention to the laptop perched on his knees.

"It. Is. A. Symbol," Light ground out.

L's hands were rapidly tapping at the keyboard, and his eyes were fixed to the screen. He tilted his head in the most dismissive "Go on, then" gesture Light had ever seen.

Light took a deep, calming breath through his nose and launched into a practiced speech. "I used to feel like I was alone in a wasteland and I was the only person in the whole world."

"Solipsism," L idly remarked.

Light's fingers twitched toward a fist. "And then I met you. And you were arrogant and childish and brilliant. And frankly, it really pissed me off because you were as smart as me, and I didn't think that was possible."

"Narcissism."

"You are the biggest asshole I have ever met, and I've never seen someone who needs a punch in the face more—"

L spoke over another rapid-fire round of typing. "Light-kun, I fail to see the connection between this line of thought and your newfound interest in chocolatiering."

Light finally gave in to the urge to tear the laptop away from the famous detective. "I'm trying to tell you I love you!"

L slowly blinked. "What."

"God knows why. Clearly I'm an idiot and a masochist and…" Light's tirade was cut off when L kissed him. The brunette leaned into it, humming happily. After a few languid moments, they broke apart.

"And you talk too much," L added cheerfully.

"I hate you," Light muttered.

"Light-kun is sending a lot of mixed messages." L plucked a chocolate from the box, and with a frustrated growl, Light pulled him in for another kiss.