"29 year old female presented with a seizure one month ago. She lost the ability to speak."

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Progressive deterioration of mental status followed."

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"You see that?" I said, finally deciding to contribute more than the sounds of my cane hitting the floor to this conversation. "They all assume that I'm a patient because of this cane."

The Dean of Medicine walking beside me, Dr. Yukinoshita Yukino, M.D., raised an eyebrow to my offtopic response, but indulged me anyway. "Your rotten eyes disqualify you from having the appearance of a doctor anyway, but Hikigaya-kun, have you considered wearing a white coat?"

"I don't want them to think I'm a doctor," I scoffed.

Her eyes narrowed, but not unkindly. "I hope you aren't still clinging to your past idiotic desire to become a full-time house husband."

"Are you offering?"

Yukinoshita let out a short sigh of annoyance, massaging her temple. "The 29 year old female-" she started again.

"The one that can't talk? I like that part."

The raven-haired beauty stopped, irritation finally setting in her gaze. Fine, now I'll indulge her.

"Brain tumor. She's gonna die. Boring." With that, I limped off again.

"So this is how Hikigaya-kun became such a world renowned diagnostician," she said, words dripping with sarcasm. Just like they did in the Service Club. What a nostalgic memory. "Brain tumors at her age are highly unlikely."

"She's 29, whatever she's got is highly unlikely."

"The protein markers for the three most prevalent brain cancers came up negative. There was no family history and she's not responding to radiation treatment."

I stopped, feeling a familiar clenching in my leg beginning to return. I dug out a translucent orange bottle out of my pocket, popped open the cap, shook out two pills, and delivered them into my mouth. All the while feeling her disapproving gaze track every single movement, from start to finish. I was well aware of Yukinoshita's heavy condemnation of my use of Vicodin*. As a doctor, it tortured her to see her closest colleague's (never a friend, as she had said to me once with a flat face and once with a warm smile) use of narcotics as sole method of pain management, enough to impassion the normally mild-mannered, if sharp-tongued Dean of Medicine into numerous shouting matches with me. As the years went on and I still popped Vicodins, she eventually quieted down into a tense stalemate, but in the same way that a dormant volcano still has potential to erupt, I always wondered when the Ice Queen would again catch fire.

Oh, but what would I do without Vicodin-chan? I wouldn't be able to walk, talk, think, all things that I unfortunately needed to do this job. In fact, without the painkillers, my only career possibility would be...a house husband?! Did Yukinoshita want me to quit my job and move in with her full-time? I have to admit, the prospect was appealing...

"Please wipe that stupid grin off of your face; I fear for my chastity," she said, covering her modest (but admittedly not as flat) chest. The playful side of her was back. "May I ask what the purpose of assembling a team of over-qualified doctors is if you refuse to take cases other doctors can't solve?"

"What's this, Yukinoshita admitting she can't solve a case?" I probed. Her cheeks flushed and she averted her eyes. "Now, I'm interested." I took the file she was holding. Her eyes flashed back to me in surprise, but I was already limping off, basking in the victory of leaving the ever eloquent Yukinoshita speechless.

I took the elevator up three floors. The doors slid open and twenty limps later, I arrived at the door to my office. On the surface, seven words were drawn:

DEPARTMENT OF DIAGNOSTIC MEDICINE

HIKIGAYA HACHIMAN, M.D.

I opened the door and limped in.

*Vicodin is a narcotic, used as a painkiller.

Consider the history and relationships of Oregairu as completely reset, other than the characters unless otherwise specified. A lot will stay the same, though, looking at my current plans. (Feb 8 edit: ignore this. I'll speak on this later when I have a better idea of what I'm doing)

Thanks to all that read! Hoping to take this into exciting directions!

Before the leaks of Volume 14 came out, I spent a bit of time in the r/Oregairu Discord, discussing this idea with the denizens of the Discord. Through this, I've come to know that they don't look fondly upon what I'm doing here – not posting this (pretty obvious House M.D.) crossover in the designated crossover section.

I justify this move with these reasons:

- No major House characters will make an appearance. I will, of course, use the medical cases found on there for varying degrees of inspiration, but when it comes to the relationships of the Department of Diagnostic Medicine, which is an equal, if not more, part of this fic to the medical mysteries.

- If Hikigaya = House, I plan to change very much about backstories and motivations. That will lead to personality differences. I don't plan on making Hikigaya a one-for-one cut of House.

- Some major House characters are actually being cut – Wilson, for example – and I don't intend on following many of the same plotlines within the story.

- Weak argument, but I plan to write this in a way that the reader who has never heard of House M.D. would get 100% of the experience of this fic, and readers who've religiously watched House perhaps will enjoy some of the Easter Eggs or understand the inspirations of characters/relationships. In essence, I could justifiably call this a Medical AU.

I'm sorry if these reasons are flimsy. While the crossover section is more active than I first thought, I don't think many users from the House M.D. fanbase will be reading this fic and if I accept that as the truth, there's little point in gating the number of potential readers I can reach.