(The camera opens up on picturesque Muskoka, Ontario. The birds are calling, the wind is gently blowing, and the rare, freshwater sharks are circling the waters. But we'll get to that later. The camera instead focuses on a rickety, old dock jutting out of the water. Suddenly, a man pops up from off screen.)
Chris: Yo, we're coming at you live from Camp Wawanawkwa, somewhere in Muskoka, Ontario. I'm your host Chris McLean, dropping season 1 of the hottest new reality show of all time. (The camera switches to show a campgrounds to the back of Chris; it is just as dilapidated as the dock.) Here's the deal: a whopping 104 contestants, the world record holder, I might add, have signed up to spend their whole summer competing in this show. They will battle it out in five, distinct areas; this is area one, Camp Wawanawkwa. The competitors will be divided up into teams, and forced to compete in challenges against each other. The winners may receive a reward, while the losers will have to vote one of their own off the island. This will continue, until only one camper is left, who will then be crowned the winner, and receive one million dollars! Who will do it? And who will bit the big one? Find out right here, right now on Total... Drama... Ultimate!
Cue theme song.
(The camera opens back on Chris on the dock.)
Chris: All right, our first few contestants will be arriving any minute now. Oh, and if they seem a little ticked off, that's because they were told they'd be staying at five star resorts all summer. (A pause followed.) They should be here any minute now. (Another pause.) Any... minute now. (Chris takes out his phone, and calls someone.) Hey, where are the first contestants? What do you mean they aren't coming by boat?
(Suddenly, a portal opens up in mid-air; Chris stares in shock. A pink lion jumps out of the portal, with two teenagers on it: Steven and Connie.)
Steven: Whelp, it looks like we're here.
(They jump off the lion, and look at a still-shocked Chris.)
Connie: Um, hello, sir?
Chris: (shakes himself 'til he is back to his regular cool) ...And this is Steven and Connie! (leans in to Steven) Dude, when I agreed you could bring pets, I didn't know you meant a lion!
Steven: What, Lion? He's perfectly tame.
Chris: (looks to lion) Well, then, hello there big guy. (scratches Lion's head, only to receive a snap of the jaws) Yeah, perfectly tame. (looks around) Hey, wasn't there more people in your group?
Steven: Well, it depends on how you define 'people'.
(Four figures jumped out of the still open portal. Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl, and Bismuth landed on the dock in dramatic poses.)
Bismuth: We are the Crystal Gems!
Peridot: Well, that was dramatic. (She, Lapis, and Greg walked out of the portal, followed by it vanishing.)
(The Gems then broke out of their pose, and looked awkwardly around them.)
Pearl: (to Chris): Oh, hello. We're here for the... um, competition.
Amethyst: Uh, is this were we're staying?
Chris: Yep, sorry. Now, if you would all stand on the other end of this dock, we have a lot of people to meet today.
Pearl: (to Garnet, as the group walks over) I can't believe Steven talked us into this thing.
(A few seconds later, a nice looking boat pulled up to the dock, and another group of people arrived.)
Chris: Everyone, please welcome Dipper, Mabel, Grunkle Stan, Soos, and Wendy!
Soos: (runs up, and vigorously shakes Chris' hand) Whoa, you're Chris McLean! I watch a lot of Canadian media, so you're like my hero.
Dipper: Soos, last week you said a cartoon superhero was your hero, and weren't we supposed to be staying in a five star resort?
Grunkle Stan: Yeah, I was hoping to take a trip to the spa to cure my horrible back! (He turns around, and reveals his back, which has fungus growing on it. Everyone reacts with shock and disgust.)
Wendy: Oh, gross, put it away, old man.
Grunkle Stan: Fine, you cowards.
Mabel: I don't know, I like it, guys. I've never been to summer camp before. (The group walks to the other end of the dock, with Mabel walking up to Steven and Connie.) Hi, I'm Mabel, how you guys doing?
Wendy: (looking to the Crystal Gems): Who are you guys supposed to be?
Amethyst: We're the Crystal Gems. We're from another planet and stuff.
Stan: Another planet? (to Dipper) You got something on them in your book doohickey?
Dipper: (already looking in his journal) I don't think so.
(At the docking portion of the dock, a blade suddenly appeared in mid air. Everyone stared transfixed as the blade cut through the air, making a swirling portal. Out stepped Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz.)
Chris: This is Star and Marco, everyone!
Star: Wow, I can't believe we're on real Earth TV, Marco!
Steven: How did you guys make that portal? I thought only Gems could do that.
Star: I don't know what a Gem is, but I can make portals because I'm a magical princess from another dimension. (She creates a rainbow with her wand, which quickly catches fire. Star brushes it away.)
Marco: And I'm her best friend, who's good at Karate, and, um... moral support, I guess.
(The duo walks over to the larger group, where Peridot snatches Star's wand and dimensional scissors.)
Peridot: Seriously, what are these devices? I've never even designs like this before.
Pearl: (taking the devices away) Whatever they are, they don't belong in the hands of a simple human.
Star: (takes her belongings back) Hey, I'm no human. (points to her hearts) I'm a Mewman, see?
Chris: (as the next boat pulls up) All right, campers, settle down.
(The next boat first deposits Lincoln Loud onto the dock.)
Chris: Everyone, please welcome, Lincoln Loud!
(Suddenly, voices occur on the boat.)
Lola: You stole my favorite lip gloss!
Lori: And I told you that I didn't even see it!
(A huge dirt cloud of fighting appears on the boat, eventually moving to the dock.)
Lincoln: Guys, stop! We're on national TV, remember!
(His sisters immediately pause in their fighting, then line up and smile innocently.)
Chris: OK, now that that's happened, this is Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa, also known as the Loud sisters.
Star: (to Marco) I didn't even know families could get that big. (Marco rolls his eyes in reply.)
Leni: Cool, I can't believe we're on TV... wherever here is. (Lori face palms.)
Lola: Hey, I thought we would be staying at a five-star hotel. This is just a grody camp. What gives?
Luan: (makes a joke about the dismal appearance of the camp, causing her siblings to groan)
(The Loud Siblings move to the other end of the dock, as the next contestants arrive... only this time not by boat or portal.)
Lana: Where is the next contestants?
Mabel: Look, up in the sky!
(In the sky, Lady Rainicorn was flying through the air. She descended from the sky, and landed on the dock, depositing Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, Marceline, the Ice King, and Lumpy Space Princess onto the dock.)
Bubblegum: Thanks, Lady! (Jake gives Lady a kiss before she flies off.)
(The rest of the contestants gives shocked looks at the odd assortment.)
Lisa: (rubs her eyes) Am I hallucinating, now?
Chris: These are our representatives from the Land of Ooo, Finn, Jake, Princess Bubblegum, Marceline, the Ice King, and Lumpy Space Princess!
LSP: (looks around at the camp, before pulling out her phone) Hey, Melissa, this camp we're staying at is super gross, and the rest of the contestants look like idiots.
Finn: All right, Jake, it looks like we're in for another adventure! (fist bumps Jake)
Jake: Yeah, man!
(The Ice King walks up Greg.)
Greg: So, what kind of a name is the Ice King?
IK: Well, it's because I'm King of Ice! Watch this. (He swirls his hands around, making storm clouds. Eventually, it starts snowing. The Ice King expects high praise, only to realize that everyone is distracted by Finn and Jake doing sword tricks and shape-shifting respectfully. IK groans.)
(The snow soon clears up to reveal a new boat arriving. Out steps an even stranger group of contestants: Mordecai, Rigby, Benson, Pops, Skips, Muscle Man, and High-Five Ghost.)
Muscle Man: Woo, finally I'm on live TV, where I belong. (high-fives HFG)
Pops: I concur. This show will be an exciting adventure.
Mordecai: Yeah, an exciting adventure... that we're going to win. (He and Rigby begins to yell "Ooooh!" into the air, until laughter interrupts them.)
Benson: Yeah, like you two slackers are going to win this thing.
Rigby: Hey, Benson, why don't you just mind your own business during this summer, you hear.
Benson: Gladly.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Isabella, Baljeet, Buford, and Vanessa.)
Phineas: (walking up to Chris with Ferb) Wow, thank you, sir, for letting us into your competition, and for letting us bring our pet platypus, Perry. (Perry chitters in response.)
Chris: Isn't there any normal pets in this competition?
Candace: Yeah, and thank you guys for inviting me to this thing. Now, when you build one of your contraptions on live TV, everyone will know about it... including Mom. You'll be so busted!
Buford: (walking up to Chris while carrying Baljeet like a duffel bag) Where can I put my nerd?
(Before Chris can answer, evil laughter pierces through the air.)
Dr. Doof: Ha-ha-ha, prepare yourselves for the most evilest person you have ever faced in your life. I, Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz, will win this competition using only my pure, unadulterated villainy! (begins laughing again, only to be interrupted)
Vanessa: Ugh, Dad, don't be such a weirdo! (begins walking to the other end of the dock)
Dr. Doof: Wait, Vanessa, come back.
Chris: (points to an upcoming boat) All right, campers, our next contestants are-
Lynn: Ugh, how many people do we have to meet?
Bubblegum: Yes, and I don't think this dock has the stability to hold a hundred and four. (As if to prove her point, the dock gives an ominous creaking sound.)
Chris: (clearly trying not to laugh) Oh, I don't know, it looks pretty stable to me. (Bubblegum raises an eyebrow at him.)
(The next boat pulls up, revealing three, yellow-skinned humans: Homer, Bart, and Lisa.)
Lisa: (looks at the camp, and tries to smile) Oh, wow, this place looks... um, great?
Bart: This place is a dump, man.
Lisa: (elbows Bart) Bart, that's our host, he can make our lives miserable if he wants.
Chris: (muttering) Oh, don't worry about that.
Lisa: What was that?
Chris: Nothing.
Homer: I don't care where we're staying, just so long as it has good, wholesome, deep fried, smothered in chocolate food.
(The next boat pulls up, revealing Fry, Leela, and Bender.)
Fry: Wow, it feels great to be in the past again. What do you guys think?
Leela: It looks a lot less stupid than it tells you in museums.
(Meanwhile, Bender walks over to the other end of the dock, where Lisa Loud begins to examine him. She knocks on his torso.)
Bender: Wha-? Get off of me!
Lisa: Wow, a fully sentient robot! I would love to look inside, and examine your inner workings.
Bender: Yeah, well you can bite my shiny, metal ass! (Everyone not from an adult cartoon gasps at his language.) What, what I say?
(The next boat pulls up, and out comes Peter, Stewie, and Brian.)
Peter: (walks up to Chris) Whelp, let's get this over with.
Chris: What do you mean?
Peter: (sighs irritably) We wanted to compete in America's Survivor, but they wouldn't let us. We got stuck doing this Canadian show.
Chris: Well, I like to think that Canada's shows, are just as good as America's. (Peter just laughs mockingly, as Chris gains an irritated expression.)
(Stewie and Brian walk up to Chris, where Chris looks happy to see Brian.)
Chris: Finally, a nice, normal pet.
Brian: Um, actually I'm a contestant.
Chris: Oh, of course you are. (begins petting Brian, and making baby noises)
Brian: Stewie, a little help here.
Stewie: (looking at the campground) Where the hell is the hot tub, the pool, and the day spa? Oh, this isn't fair! I wanted a massage from a hot, male masseuse!
Brian: Ugh.
(The next boat pulls up, revealing Stan, Steve, and Roger Smith from American Dad! Stan looks slightly irritated to belong here.)
Steve: C'mon, Dad, this might be really fun.
Stan: (grunts) I could be torturing terrorists instead of this.
(Roger, meanwhile, is transfixed on the camp.)
Roger: What, but this isn't a five star hotel on the beaches of Miami. Perhaps I should have been tipped off from our plane ride to Canada, but anyway is this where we're really staying?
Chris: Well, this is where you're staying. I have a sweet cottage down the way.
Roger: (points dramatically at Chris) You will pay for this!
Chris: Yeah, sure I will.
Roger: No, I mean you will literally (grabs Chris' shirt) Pay. For. This. (Chris looks slightly intimidated, as Roger lets him go, and walks off.)
(The next boat arrives, dropping off the next family on the list: the Belchers.)
Linda: All right, family bonding time. Let's get this competition underway.
Bob: Lin, do we really have to do this? I mean, we have to close the restaurant for the whole summer; we're losing so much money!
Linda: Nope, sorry, Bob, but this will be an excellent time to bond with each other. (Bob sighs.)
(Bob isn't the only one to not seem like the festive type; Louise is crossing her arms, and muttering to herself.)
Louise: Stupid Mom... Making us do this stupid thing... Wasting our whole summer.
Tina: C'mon, Louise, this'll be fun... probably.
Louise: This wouldn't be so bad if we were staying in a cool hotel, but this is just a gross camp.
Gene: Oh, c'mon, Louise, think of all the fun things we can do in a camp: run away from bears, get bitten by black flies, eat disgusting camp food... (Louise just groans, and covers her ears.)
(The next contestant to arrive was one Hank Hill.)
Hank: Uh, I'm here for the, um, Canadian competition.
Chris: Well, this is the only place for it. I'm your host, Chris McLean. I'm sure you've heard of me. (pause) Anyway, welcome to Total Drama Ultimate, Mr. Hill. (Hank gives a small smile, and holds out his hand to Chris.) Oh, I don't shake hands. (Hank gives a disappointed look, and walks abruptly to the other end of the dock.)
Hank: (looking around at all the people he'll be competing with) Lot of strange characters around here.
(The next contestants are seven children, all dressed in winter clothes.)
Cartman: (addressing the contestants already here) Ha-ha, all right you pussies, prepare to lose to my outstanding authoritah!
Kyle: Shut the bleep up, Cartman. As if you are going to be the one to win!
Cartman: Shut the hell up, you stupid, bleeping Jew!
(Everyone stares shocked at the boys.)
Hank: Who-who raised you kids?
Stan Marsh: C'mon, guys, you are embarrassing us on live TV.
Craig: (walking up while holding hands with Tweak) Yeah, Kyle's right. Cartman doesn't stand a chance; me and Tweak are going to win. (pulls up his middle finger to the other boys)
Tweak: What, you-you never said we we're going to try and win. You s-said this was just for fun? This is just too much pressure!
Butters: Now, c'mon, guys, I know this competition is about beating everyone else, but that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun while we're at it. (All the other boys mutter in response. They all, including a silent Kenny, walk to the other end of the dock.)
(The next contestants arrive by portal, not unlike Star and Marco from before. A green, swirling portal appears in the air. All the other contestants who have yet to seen a portal stare in mesmerized silence.)
Stan M.: OK, am I bleeping high right now?
(Out of the portal steps Rick and Morty.)
Rick: OK, here we are, Morty, a normal bleeping reality show, just like you wanted. (He takes a drink from his hip flask.)
Morty: Oh, c'mon, Rick, this could be a lot of fun, y'know. No monsters, no imminent apocalypses, just a plain, normal reality show.
(The duo walks over to the other side of the dock, where Phineas looks interestingly at Rick.)
Phineas: Hey, is that a portal gun?
Rick: Yeah, no bleep, sherlock!
(The next boat pulls up, and out steps Samurai Jack.)
Chris: Jack, how does it feel to be here?
Jack: I am most honored to be chosen to be in your... competition.
Lincoln: Wow, cool, a real, live Samurai. (All the children on the dock crowds around him as Jack smiles.)
Stan S.: Huh, they didn't get that excited for a real, live CIA agent.
(The next boat pops up, and a pudgy boy immediately jumps out of it.)
Eddy: Are we here? Have I won yet? Where's that fat stack of cash?
Chris: Woah, Eddy, we haven't even started the competition yet. You'll have to compete like everyone else.
(Eddy gains a grumpy expression, as Double D and Ed walks out of the boat.)
Double D: (looks to the camp) This doesn't look anything like the brochure. It certainly isn't sanitary.
Ed: (walks up to Chris, and jerks up his hand) I like buttered toast!
Chris: Um, yeah.
(The next boat pulls up, and immediately five children jumps out of the boat, brandishing homemade weapons.)
Chris: Woah, woah, what's going on here?
Numbuh 1: (lowers his weapon) Area is secure. (walks up to Chris) Hello, adult, we are here to compete in your probably evil game.
Chris: Uh-huh, you must be the kids who thinks they're secret agents.
#2: What, but we are secret agents!
Chris: That's cute, big guy, (holds up some official looking forms) but we couldn't help but notice how in your application forms, you put numbers one through five where your names should be.
#4: Those are our codenames, and don't expect us to give you our real names, cruddy adult.
Chris: OK, then.
(The Kids Next Door walked over to the other side of the dock, where #3 stops by Mabel.)
Numbuh 3: Wow, I love your sweater.
Mabel: Oh, thank you. I love your rainbow monkey suitcase.
#3: Oh, thanks.
(The next boat pulls up, depositing four more characters, though only three would be competing.)
Chris: Everyone, this is Zim, Dib, and Gaz.
Leela: Are all the contestants going to be children?
Zim: Ha-ha-ha, prepare to feel my competition-winning prowess, filthy Earth monkeys. (A pause followed, where everyone looked at him.) Er, I mean... I am one of you, filthy Earth monkeys.
Dib: C'mon, you guys have to see that he is an alien, right? (Now, everyone was staring at Dib.)
Chris: Promising to cause drama is cool and all, but who's your friend, Zim.
(The camera moves to a person clearly wearing a dog costume.)
Zim: Oh, this is my... um, dog person. You did say that we could bring pets, right? (Gir begins laughing hysterically.)
Chris: Um, yeah, sure. (Dib, Zim and Gir walks to the other end of the dock, leaving Gaz still playing on her personal console.) Sorry, Gaz, but electronic devices are strictly forbidden. (He attempts to take the game away, only for Gaz to snarl at him. Chris jerks his hand away.) Or, I could just let it slide just this once.
Gaz: Whatever.
(The Invader Zim threesome moves to the other end of the dock.)
Roger: (staring at Zim, then leans over to Steve) That's an Irken. Don't ever lend them money, unless you never want to see it again.
(The nest contestants arrived in another unorthodox manner: a bright red bus emerged from the water, and parked on the beach. Out of the bus stepped SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward, all of them wearing bowls of water on their heads.)
Squidward: I can't believe you knuckleheads convinced to come on this stupid show.
SpongeBob: Oh, c'mon, Squidward, you know you came on this show because you love spending time with us.
Squidward: I came on this show only because my talents might be shown to the world. (steps on a half-eaten sandwich) What the-? (picks up the sandwich, then notices he campgrounds for the first time) What? This isn't a five star resort?
Patrick: (pointing to the sandwich) Are you gonna just let that go to waste. (He then eats the sandwich whole... while it's still in Squidward's hand.)
Chris: Um, guys, the rest of the contestants are on the dock.
Squidward: (as he and his companions walk onto the dock) Let's just get this over with.
(The next boat contains a normal, pink dog walking on its hind legs.)
Chris: Courage, glad to be here?
Courage: Oh, I guess... just so long as we don't do anything scary.
Chris: (pauses, before laughing in a menacing, theatrical way)
Courage: Oh, no.
(As Courage heads to the other side, the next boat deposits the Teen Titans of Teen Titans... Go! I can hear your groans from here.)
Starfire: Oh, this will be such a wonderful experience for all of us. I can't wait to start this game.
Beast Boy: You said it, Star!
Cyborg: Yeah, once me and Beastie win this game, will have one million big ones.
Raven: You guys do realize that only one person can win, right?
Beast Boy: No we do not, Mama!
Raven: … Meh.
Robin: (walks up to Chris, and shakes his hand) Hello, I'm Robin, the leader of the Teen Titans, and I'll be the one winning your competition.
Chris: Yeah, we'll see. (pauses in the midst of shaking, and looks down at Robin's hand.) Why does your hand feel so... small?
Robin: (jerks his hand away) No reason!
(The next boat takes a while to come, as the campers' boredom can attest. Finally, a line of bubbles indicating something under the surface of the water appears, heading to the dock. When it finally arrives, a colorful RV rises above the waves. Out of the RV comes Uncle Grandpa, Mr. Gus, and Pizza Steve.)
U.G.: Wow, it's so good to be here. (turns back to the RV, and waves) Goodbye, Giant Realistic Flying Tiger! Thanks for getting us here! (At the driver's seat, a tiger roars at UG, then drives the RV back under water.)
Pizza Steve: All right, the winner of this TV show has arrived. Everyone, bask in the glory that is Pizza Steve! (literal crickets chirp)
UG: (walks up to Rick, and smiles cheekily) Hello, Rick, so interesting to see you here today.
Morty: You know this guy, Rick?
Rick: We've had... dealings in the past.
(The next boat pops up, and out comes three anthropomorphic bears.)
Chris: Everyone, here is three walking, talking bears... oddly, not the strangest sight I've seen all day.
(As soon as the three bears get on the dock, they huddle up.)
Griz: All right, guys, we need to win this competition. Then, literally everyone in the world will want to be our friends.
Panda: Oh, yeah, and I might get to meet my dream girl.
Ice Bear: Ice Bear will spend winnings on nun chucks... lots and lots of nun chucks.
(The bears de huddle, and move to the other end of the dock, as the next contestants arrive. Wander and Sylvia float down to the dock in a giant bubble.)
Wander: (looks to the campgrounds, where a bear is now nosing around) Wow, this planet already looks so welcoming!
Sylvia: (looking at the campgrounds with clear distaste) Yeah, welcoming, you took the words right out of my mouth, Wander.
Chris: All right, campers. Our final contestant should be arriving any minute.
(True to form, a final boat pulled up, depositing Milo Murphy onto the dock, before speeding away, as if afraid of Milo.)
Chris: (walks up to Milo) Welcome to the island, Milo!
Milo: (stops Chris with his hands) I'd stand back if I were you. (Chris, confused, stands back. Milo stares at the water as if waiting for something.) Wait for it...
(A giant shark jumps into the sky, and tries to eat Milo. However, Milo has merely stepped away from the shark, causing it to plow through the dock back into the water. Milo walks over to the other side of the dock, finally noticing everyone staring at him.)
Milo: What?
Isabella: How-how did you know that was going to happen.
Milo: Oh, that? Those sort of things happen to me all the time.
#2: So, your sort of like a... bad luck charm?
Milo: Afraid so. (Everyone takes an involuntary step from Milo.)
Baljeet: Is no one going to question the fact that a shark just appeared? Isn't this a temperate zone?
Chris: All will be revealed in a short time. (holds up a camera) All right, everyone, now that we're all here, let's make a photo for the promo's. Everyone bunch together, and hold that pose. (Everyone proceeds to do so, as Chris continues to fiddle with the camera.)
Chris: All right, everyone ready... one... two... (The dock makes one final ominous creak, before breaking apart, landing everyone into the water. All except LSP, who is still floating and talking on her phone.) … three! (proceeds to take a photo of the contestants in the water, before laughing. However, he notices that Lisa Loud, Rick, and Bubblegum have not fallen into the water.)
Chris: What, but you were supposed to pose for the photo?
Lisa: Oh, please, it was blatantly obvious what you were planning. Now, if anyone needs us, we'll be at the camp. (The trio leaves Chris in a foul mood.)
(The scene changes to the campfire pit of the camp. All of the contestants are assembled there, either sitting or standing, in various stages of soaking wet. Chris soon appears, and stands behind the nearby podium.)
Chris: All right, you've all read your applications, so you all know why your here. You will all compete in challenges against each other, and some of you will be voted off. The single contestant who is not voted off will receive one million dollars! (Eddy and Grunkle Stan get dollar signs in their eyes.) You will all be competing in five distinct areas throughout the summer; this is area 1, a crusty, old summer camp. The people around you may be your teammates: they could be your friends (#3 and Mabel look at each other, and smile.), your enemies (Squidward and the Ice King raise their eyebrows at one another.), or a little bit of both. Speaking of which, let's get you guys divided into teams. The first team will consist of: Steven, Connie, Greg, Soos, Lincoln, Luan, Lola, Bubblegum, Mordecai, Skips, Ferb, Baljeet, Bart, Bender, Stan Smith, Linda, Hank, Kenny, Rick, Double D, Numbuh 3, Dib, Squidward, Raven, Mr. Gus, and Ice Bear.
(The group assembles on the left side of the campfire pit, and Chris throughs them a flag, which unravels to reveal...)
Chris: You guys will be none as the Screaming Gophers!
Bart: A gopher, seriously?
Soos: I don't know, lots of people say I look like a human gopher, so I think it fits.
Mr. Gus: I'm just glad I'm not on a team with Pizza Steve.
Luan: (proceeds to tell a corny joke about gophers, much to the chagrin of Lincoln and Lola)
Chris: The next team will be: Garnet, Peridot, Dipper, Wendy, Lori, Lynn, Lisa Loud, Marceline, Rigby, Muscle Man, Candace, Buford, Lisa Simpson, Peter, Steve, Tina, Stan Marsh, Butters, Morty, Eddy, Numbuh 4, Gaz, Courage, Cyborg, Pizza Steve, and Wander. You will be known as the Killer Bass!
Numbuh 4: A fish? Our team's named after a grody fish?
Pizza Steve: I agree. Pizza Steve's not going to be on a team named after a fish. (Most of the other team members murmur their agreement on the subject.)
Wander: Oh, c'mon guys. It's not all that bad. Let's just try to put a positive spin on things. (However, only Butters seems to agree with Wander, as the rest of the team raises their eyebrows at him.)
Chris: The next team will consist of: Amethyst, Lapis, Mabel, Star, Leni, Lucy, Finn, the Ice King, Benson, High Five Ghost, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Vanessa, Fry, Stewie, Roger, Gene, Kyle, Craig, Jack, Numbuh 1, Numbuh 5, SpongeBob, Robin, Beast Boy, Griz, and Sylvia. You will be known as the Flying Loons! (literal crickets chirp after this announcement.)
Leni: (leans over to Star): What's a loon?
Star: Some kind of crazy person I think.
Gene: Woo-hoo! I'm a loon!
Chris: And finally: Pearl, Bismuth, Grunkle Stan, Marco, Luna, Lana, Jake, Lumpy Space Princess, Pops, Phineas, Isabella, Homer, Leela, Brian, Bob, Louise, Cartman, Tweak, Ed, Numbuh 2, Zim, Patrick, Starfire, Uncle Grandpa, Panda, and Milo. You will be known as the Ferocious Boars!
Cartman: Are we allowed to change our name to something that's not bleeping ridiculous?
Homer: At least it's not as bad as a gopher or a loon! (The rest of the team laughs, followed by the other teams glaring at Homer.)
SpongeBob: Oh, no Patrick, we're on separate teams!
Chris: All right, before we get into the tour of the camp, we have somebody I want you to meet. A large number of interns auditioned to help around the areas over the summer, and three, very eager teenagers made the cut. (The interns in question arrived at the campfire pit.)
Double D: It-it can't be!
Eddy: This is nuts!
Ed: Kanker's bad for Ed!
(The interns are revealed to be the Kanker sisters from Ed, Edd, n' Eddy, wearing flannel, intern shirts.)
Lee: You didn't think we'd let our boyfriends spend the whole summer by themselves, did you? (The threesome laughs cruelly.)
Chris: All right, with that out of the way, any questions? (Literally everyone raises their hands.) No questions? Good. Let's get into the tour of the camp.
(The scene changes to the campgrounds, where Chris is standing in front of the crowd of competitors.)
Chris: (gestures to the four cabins) These are your living arrangements. Each cabin has the name of your team helpfully written above the doors; boys get one side of each cabin, girls get the other. There is a communal bathroom across the way, and I would highly recommend you start unpacking now. Lunch is in fifteen, and the cook doesn't like to be left waiting. (begins to leave) Oh, and one more thing...
(The scene shifts to outside an outhouse.)
Chris: This is the outhouse confessional. Here you can vent your secrets, feelings, or plots to the camera. So, who wants to give it a go?
Confessional (Lincoln): So, this is the confessional, huh? Well, I guess I should start off by saying that the main reason I'm here, besides the cash prize, it to win in order to finally earn the respect of my sisters.
(Linda): Aw, poot, I was hoping that the whole family would be together for some quality bonding time. Now, we're all on different teams!
(Peridot): Oh, so this is like my recorder from back at home. Good, because there's some things that I'd like to get off my chest, so to speak. Firstly,... (The camera fast forwards to when Peridot is done with her spiel, nearly 15 minutes later.) ...and that's about all I have to say. (heavy knocking on the door) Just wait a minute, will you?
(Lisa Simpson): The reason why I have decided to enter this competition is to earn enough money to start my own charity organization. (holds up a picture of a sea lion) It'll be to save the sea lions.
(Peter): (pauses, before farting loudly, then giving his trademark laugh)
(Steve): Why does it smell so bad in here? Well, anyway, the reason my Dad and Roger seems so angry is that my Mom is making us do this competition for family bonding, or whatever. I'm trying to make the most of it, but the others, not so much.
(Tina): I hope a lot of cute guys are watching this show, so now that I'm famous, they'll all want to give me their cellphone numbers.
(Numbuh 5): #5 doesn't want to even be here. #1 is making us do this thing, because he thinks that there's some evil adult conspiracy involved, but I think it's a load of phooey.
(Lana): (looking down into the tank) Hmm, this plumbing could definitely be improved.
(Brian): (lights a cigarette) This is going to be a long summer.
(The scene cuts to the Gopher cabin, at the boys' side. The door swings open revealing the interior of the cabin, in all its crummy glory. A pause followed as the 19 Gopher boys stared at their new home.)
Ice Bear: (pulls out a cellphone) Ice Bear is calling lawyer.
(As the rest of the boys heads into the cabin, Hank stays on the porch, and rubs his eyes irritably. Linda comes out of the girls' side, and walks up to him.)
Linda: Hi, I'm Linda Belcher. I guess we're on the same team, aren't we. (holds out her hand to shake)
Hank: (raises up his hands) Oh, I'm actually married.
Linda: (as Hank practically runs back into the cabin) Wha-what?
(Inside the cabin, Hank passes by several people who have paired up to be bunkmates: Rick and Bender are drinking together, Baljeet and Double D are exchanging science notes, and Squidward and Mr Gus are simply unpacking in silence. Hank finally finds an empty bunk, where Stan Smith is unpacking on the bottom bunk.)
Hank: (raises his hand to shake Stan's) Hank Hill.
Stan: (shakes his hand) Stan Smith.
Hank: (points to Stan's pin) Nice to see a fellow American patriot here in Canada.
Stan: Thanks, you want to share bunks. (Hank smiles in response.)
(The scene cuts to the girls' side, where Connie and Raven are looking around at the cabin.)
Connie: Well, this cabin is... OK?
Raven: Meh. I've seen Beast Boy's room. This is nothing compared to that.
(The scene cuts to the Bass cabin. Once the girls go into their cabin, they look around in clear distaste.)
Lisa Simpson: And I thought it looked bad on the outside.
Lisa Loud: (begins spraying chemicals all around the room) Disinfectant is required if I'm to sleep here. Who knows what has previously been done in this building.
(All the girls begin to unpack, except for Garnet and Peridot, who apparently have brought nothing at all.)
Marceline: (floats above the Gems) Aren't you guys going to unpack?
Peridot: Silly human.
Marceline: I'm a vamp-
Peridot: We Gems don't need a mere bunk to sleep in. We only sleep when we feel like it.
Marceline: Um, OK.
(At the boys' side, Eddy and Numbuh 4 both plop their bags on the same top bunk.)
Eddy: Hey, I was here first!
Numbuh 4: Think again, baldy. The top bunk is mine. (He begins to roll his sleeves for a fight; Eddy begins to look scared. That is, until Numbuh 4 notices something behind Eddy that spooks him.) Never mind. I'll take the bottom bunk.
(Eddy is now confused, he looks behind to see Lee looking in through the window, glaring daggers at Numbuh 4. She the looks lovingly at Eddy, causing him even more fright.)
(Meanwhile, Cyborg is looking glum sitting on his bunk, until Wander walks up to him.)
Wander: Hey, Cyborg wasn't it? What's the matter big guy?
Cyborg: (sighs) It's just that I'm so sad that Beast Boy isn't on my team.
Wander: Cheer up, buddy, I can be your new friend if you like.
Cyborg: Um, sure, OK.
Wander: Great, I'll bunk with you!
(At the Loons' cabin, the boys are all busy unpacking, when Robin enters the room.0
Robin: All right, listen up. I have decided to nominate myself as team leader, so all of you have to do what I say. That means no getting in my way as I effortlessly win this thing. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to the lavatory. (leaves the room, while the boys all stare in silence)
Griz: Um, OK?
Stewie: Man what an bleephole.
Beast Boy: Oh, that's just Robin. Don't worry, you'll get used to him.
Fry: Really?
Beast Boy: Nope. Now, who wants to bet me to eat anything I find under the beds?
(Sounds of disgust from the boys can be heard from outside the cabin, except for Gene's voice.)
Gene: I do!
(The camera pans over to the girls' side, where Sylvia is poking the rug in the center of the cabin.)
Sylvia: Whelp, this'll just have to do. (curls up on the rug, causing a cloud of dust to appear, sending her into a coughing fit.)
(Leni and Mabel are sitting on a bunk a few feet away, discussing fashion.)
Mabel: And if you want, I can make you one of my sweaters.
Leni: Oh, that'll be totes adorb.
(Suddenly, Lucy pops up from one of the vents above the two girls.)
Lucy: Can you keep it down? I'm trying to read my poetry.
Mabel: Aren't you going to find a bunk to sleep on?
Lucy: I prefer the vents.
(At the Boars' cabin, Louise is looking for a bunk on the girls' side. She finds one, but is under LSP, who is still chatting constantly on her phone. Louise groans, and continues trying to find a suitable bunk. She passes by Luna [who is playing her guitar], Leela [who is practicing karate moves on a dummy she hung up], and Starfire [who is blowing her hair by the cracked mirror]. Finally, she finds a bunk.)
Louise: Well, looks like it's just you and me.
Pearl: (also looking distastefully at the other Boar girls) I guess.
(On the boys' side, Milo is also looking for a bunk. However, he finds all the bunks filled up.)
Milo: Good thing I came prepared. (pulls out a sleeping bag from his backpack, and lays it on the floor)
(Uncle Grandpa is standing in the middle of the room, when Marco walks up to him.)
Marco: So, what kid of a name is 'Uncle Grandpa'?
UG: Oh, that's because I'm everyone in the world's uncle and grandpa.
Marco: That's... actually kind of creepy.
UG: (shrugs) You're telling me.
(Meanwhile, Ed and Patrick walks up to one another.)
Ed: Hello, Ed am I.
Patrick: Hey, I'm Patrick.
Ed: (pulls out a pitcher of gravy from his pocket) Would you like some gravy?
Patrick: Of course I would!
(Suddenly, the loudspeakers situated around camp blare on.)
Chef: All right, you maggots! If you want some grub, you better come and get it!
(The scene shifts to the Mess Hall, where all the campers are lined up for lunch.)
Chef: All right, I serve it three times a day, and you will eat it three times a day, unless you want to go hungry. Now, get your plate, get your food, and sit your butts down, now!
Bart: (to Kenny) OK, don't have a cow man. (Kenny laughs.)
Chef: What did you say, spike hair? Maybe you'd like to share it with the whole class.
Bart: Um, nothing, sir.
Chef: That's what I thought.
(Candace, who is the first in line, puts her plate up to Chef, who gives her what could pass as a sloppy joe.)
Candace: Um, is this what counts as food nowadays?
Chef: (gives her a death glare)
Candace: Um, never mind. (goes to sit at the Bass table, as the line moves forward)
(Soon, the tables are all filled up with contestants eating (or trying to eat) the food. Homer, who is the last to sit down, takes a bite of his food, only to spit it out again. He pauses, tries it again, then spits it out. This continues, until the camera pans over to Leela, who is constantly getting spit on. Finally, she kicks Homer in the groin to get him to stop.)
(After about fifteen minutes, Chris reappears.)
Chris: All right, campers, your first ever challenge will be in fifteen minutes. Be ready for the most dangerous thing in your life! (He leaves.)
High Five Ghost: What do you think they're going to make us do?
Doof: Oh, c'mon, they're not going make us do something life threatening. I mean, what are they going to make us do, jump off a cliff?
(The camera switches to all the campers on top of a cliff, ready to do just that.)
Kyle: Aw, bleep.
XXXXX
Screaming Gophers: Steven, Connie, Greg, Soos, Lincoln, Luan, Lola, Bubblegum, Mordecai, Skips, Ferb, Baljeet, Bart, Bender, Stan Smith, Linda, Hank, Kenny, Rick, Double D, Numbuh 3, Dib, Squidward, Raven, Mr. Gus, and Ice Bear.
Killer Bass: Garnet, Peridot, Dipper, Wendy, Lori, Lynn, Lisa Loud, Marceline, Rigby, Muscle Man, Candace, Buford, Lisa Simpson, Peter, Steve, Tina, Stan Marsh, Butters, Morty, Eddy, Numbuh 4, Gaz, Courage, Cyborg, Pizza Steve, and Wander.
Flying Loons: Amethyst, Lapis, Mabel, Star, Leni, Lucy, Finn, the Ice King, Benson, High Five Ghost, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, Vanessa, Fry, Stewie, Roger, Gene, Kyle, Craig, Jack, Numbuh 1, Numbuh 5, SpongeBob, Robin, Beast Boy, Griz, and Sylvia.
Ferocious Boars: Pearl, Bismuth, Grunkle Stan, Marco, Luna, Lana, Jake, Lumpy Space Princess, Pops, Phineas, Isabella, Homer, Leela, Brian, Bob, Louise, Cartman, Tweak, Ed, Numbuh 2, Zim, Patrick, Starfire, Uncle Grandpa, Panda, and Milo.
Eliminated: 0
Current Competitors: 104