A/N: Hello, she's back with a little journey into Donna's thoughts. I hope you like it! Special shoutout to marie (darveycaptain) for this because the best birthday gift I can manage is to dedicate a chapter to her. It's my love letter to you, Marie, written in Donna. Also, as always, thanks to alyssa (andsocanshe) for beta-ing. You are my lifesaver.

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chapter 6

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Can we stop and just get real?

This is messing with my head again

You're not sure of how you feel

If you loved me, you would know

—

She couldn't get out of there fast enough. She didn't know where she was going but she knew for a fact that wherever that place was, it wasn't here.

As she watched the numbers grow smaller above those double doors, fists clenched tight against her thighs, she found she could barely breathe. Her mind racing, she tried to identify the emotions she was feeling. Embarrassment? Sure, there was a bit of that. Anger? Hell yeah, there was an awful lot of that being directed at everyone involved. Though, the one emotion that kept toying with her the most was the feeling of uncertainty.

—

Do you love Harvey Specter?

What?

Do you love him?

That has nothing to do with—

It has everything to do with.

—

Louis was right. Of course it had everything to do with it.

Feeling the elevator finally reach the lobby, she exited the lift in haste, wanting so badly to walk out those swirling glass doors and forget this place ever existed. Finally feeling the night air hit her skin, she found herself taking pause. Turning back towards this magnanimous building, she closed her eyes, inhaled deeply and opened her eyes upon exhalation. After that disastrous clusterfuck of emotions she just had to sit through in front of everyone she ever considered a colleague, she was done.

Deciding to walk off the uncertainty, she made her way in the direction of her apartment. As feelings of embarrassment began to waver, she took the time to focus on the other swirling storm of emotions currently causing a tornado in the pit of her stomach, and her heart if she's honest.

Did she love Harvey Specter? Well, yes. But the question of the day was how? He was her friend. Her co-worker. Her boss turned once lover turned friend? How do you even begin to describe a relationship so laced with complications? There was no obvious definition, that much was clear to her.

If she was honest with herself, she didn't know if she had an answer for Louis' question if she had been forced to answer. Clearly, something so undefinable would have been hard to explain. How do you explain to someone the vast emotions one man can cause within you?

—

Why did your last boyfriend break up with you? Ms. Paulsen, why did he end it with you?

He thought that I prioritized my work over our relationship.

Your work? He asked you to choose between him and Harvey, didn't he?

Yes.

Who did you choose?

Harvey.

—

Why had she chosen Harvey? Why does she always choose Harvey? Pausing at the crosswalk, she feels more than hears the slight scoff under her breath. Was it to protect Harvey? Was it to keep him close? Or was it to attempt to keep the man she truly wanted as close as possible to her in the only way she would allow herself to have him?

A personal and should-be romantic relationship hidden behind the mask of a friendship cloaked in the imagery of a simple coworker connection. Putting those thoughts on the back burner for a moment before they consumed her further, she continues step by step down the city blocks.

This whole memo catastrophe really was ruining her from the inside out. She was Donna, she never made mistakes. She made sure of that. Ever since she started this job, she made sure she was the best. She made sure there was never any doubt in anyone's mind that she was on top of everything that was put before her and that she was always three steps ahead of any problem. She had perfected this. And if she had perfected this, then how could she miss this one very important thing? It just didn't add up for her. None of this entire situation added up for her.

—
Donna, it's important.

Yeah, important for me to get up there and say I screwed up trying to protect you?

You did screw up.

Yes. To protect you.

Which I never asked you to do.

No, you just expected me to do it. Like I expected you to fight for me.

—

She had expected him to fight for her. She had spent every day of her life for years fighting for him and this one time, he couldn't fight for her? She knew way, way deep down that the evidence in front of his face was jarring and he truthfully didn't have a choice but if she focused on that feeling then she couldn't continue to be furious with him, and boy was she ever furious with him. But greater than the fury that coursed through her veins was the sadness she felt.

Turning the corner down an avenue, she recognized that the feeling of longing and loss was what struck her more than the fury. She was going to miss him. She already did miss him.

The fury is what made her say no to him. Seeing him all but begging her to come help save him was almost more than she could handle, but she managed to summon the power to dismiss him. She so rarely said no to him, especially when he requested something of her so prophetically, but she was angry and that anger was well deserved.

Then, there was MIke. That little baby Harvey had shown up outside her yoga studio spouting words of broken promises and threats of disbarment telling her that if she didn't show up, Harvey would be the one taking the blame for her mistake.

A mistake. She had made a mistake.

—

You dragged me into Harvey's office once, and you schooled me about how much he loves his job. Well, if you don't help him prep for Tanner, he's gonna lose in court, he is gonna get disbarred, and he is never gonna be able to do what he loves ever again.

That is not fair.

No, what's not fair is Harvey taking the blame for your mistake. You know what, do whatever your attorney wants. Come in. Don't come in. Go to the movies. Take pilates. I don't give a shit. Because whatever you do, you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life.

—

Feeling the breeze whip through her red tresses as she crosses yet another street, she realizes that that's the reason why Mike got through to her. It was the threat of regret. She doesn't have regrets. Regrets are another form of mistakes in her world and that's another thing she doesn't claim. But apparently now, she makes mistakes. It still makes no sense at all.

Why did she have to destroy that damn memo? "Harvey," she whispers to herself. That's why she did it. She destroyed that stupid fucking memo for Harvey, trying to save him. She was always trying to save him. That's why she showed up at the firm for the mock trial. The threat of regret and the need to try and save him, yet again.

As she feels the pavement beneath her shoes she recalls the feeling of walking into the room, all eyes on her (and not in the way she likes). Shocked looks were adorning everyone's faces. Everyone from Zoe to Mike to Jessica to Rachel were all flabbergasted she deemed to show her face. The most shocked of all was Harvey.

And then as soon as she sat down, the switch flipped. Stupid Louis.

In a matter of thirty seconds flat, she had the rug pulled out from under her and her attempt at pleading the fifth was dead and gone and then all of sudden she found herself defending her choices and her personal history. She hated being on the defense. She had wracked up so much experience constantly being on the offense with a witty retort or an off the cuff sassy remark that being on the defensive was not inordinately part of her nature.

She was never at a loss for words. Sitting there in front of the entire room of her colleagues and friends being badgered into revealing whether she loved Harvey Specter or whether her romantic relationships failed because of him, she was truly at a loss for words. She shuddered at the memory as she shivered at the sudden cool breeze that swept over her.

Nearing her journey towards her apartment, she realized that she still didn't have an answer to the initial question. Did she love Harvey Specter? Is that what all of this had been for? Was it because of her love for Harvey? Is that what made her constantly feel called to protect him, remain loyal to him, care for him?

"Yes, I guess it is," she murmured to herself under her breath.

Noticing she was finally only around the corner from her building, she took a minute to lean against the side of the building. The weight of her revelation truly moved her to stillness. She needed a moment to get her bearings because the gravity has shifted beneath her feet and she finally, after all these years, just admitted to herself that she loves Harvey. She still doesn't quite know how to define it, the love she feels. It's crazy and it's all fucked up now, but yeah, she loves him. Fuck.

Maybe she does make mistakes after all.

FInally getting herself together and pushing her shoulders off the edge of the building, the fatigue of the day finally hits her bones. She didn't know whether it was the revelation she'd just had or the embarrassment of the mock trial or the constant nagging reminder in the back of her head that she had fucked it all up, but she was dead tired.

And then, as she turns the corner. That's when she sees him. Clearly, here to make excuses for his actions. Excuses she really doesn't give a shit about. The last thing she wants right now is baby Harvey telling apologizing for something and not meaning it.

Her last thought before she geared up to tell Mike off was how much she wished it was Harvey on her stoop instead of his sidekick.

Fuck.

—

Keep tryna convince myself

Maybe you just need a little time

I should know by now that won't help

If you loved me, you would know

—

Song: If you loved me by GRACEY

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Thank you guys for reading! Comments / reviews / criticism are always welcome (and encouraged)!