Late September 1895

The group chatted quietly around the table when Boq took his seat with them.

His arrival was overshadowed by the simultaneous arrival of the group's waitress. Boq slid into his seat as dishes were passed around.

"Boq," a voice said loudly from down the table.

He leaned forward, peering past the arms and plates and found Elphaba making eye contact with him

"Oh. Hi, Elp-"

"Yes, yes. Hello," Elphaba said, cutting him off. "Have you seen my sister?"

Boq frowned, first at the interruption and then as he considered the question.

He hadn't seen Nessa today. Or yesterday, for that matter.

"No, I haven't."

Elphaba's sigh was lost to the noise of the restaurant, but her disappointment and frustration was clear on her face.

She placed her napkin on the table, next to her untouched plate of food.

"Elphie, what's wrong?" Galinda asked as Elphaba started gathering up her bag.

"Nothing, Glin," Elphaba answered. "Just… I haven't seen Nessa in a few days and I need to make sure she's okay."

"Elphie, please. I'm sure she's fine. She's probably just busy studying. Exams are coming up."

"I'm surprised you'd know that, Glin," Elphaba muttered. "Since you've skipped three classes this week."

"I heard that," Galinda said with a tut. "But don't go now! Our food just got here. Let's eat first. Then you can go check on her."

The reassurances had no effect. Elphaba continued preparing to leave.

Galinda clicked her tongue and cast a dirty look down the table towards Boq who, in her mind at least, had failed to provide Elphaba with the correct answer to her question (regardless of whether or not his response was truthful).

Suddenly, she lit up.

"Elphaba, stay here. Biq can go and check in on her. "

Boq was momentarily lost in Galinda's gaze but the mispronunciation of his name jerked him back to reality.

"Wha- what did you say, Miss Galinda?"

"I said," Galinda said, her tone sickly sweet. "Why don't you be a dear and go and check on Nessarose? You are her boyfriend after all."

Boq's heart sank.

He looked to Elphaba, who had stood up halfway and stopped at Galinda's words, slowly sat back down again. She seemed to consider him closely for a moment.

"I guess that's fine," Elphaba said after a moment. "Boq. If you would."

The way she offered it sounded like just that - an offer. A choice. But the look on Elphaba's face was softer than the flash in Galinda's eyes.

"I can go. Check on her, I mean."

Galinda's face broke into her normal happy smile and Boq's heart leapt, but only slightly.

Elphaba looked from Galinda to the plate in front of her.

"After dinner. Boq can go, but let him order and eat first. It's fine. No, you know what? I'll go. After dinner."

Galinda's smile faltered for the slightest moment. But then she just shrugged and picked up her previous conversation.

Boq sighed and started looking around for the waitress. At least he got to eat first.

But Elphaba's worry did not need to be expressed aloud to push Boq out the door before the meal ended.

He considered this as he walked across the Shiz University campus, his stomach growling loudly. The cold night air nipped at his exposed neck and ears, which only added to his growing resentment.

"Good evening, Madame Morrible," Boq greeted as he stepped into the Shiztress' quarters.

Madame Morrible turned from the mirror on the wall into which she had admiring her reflection.

"Master… Block, isn't it?"

"Boq, ma'am. Master Boq," Boq corrected. "I wanted to ask, Madame… Is… Do you know if… Is Miss Nessarose here?"

"Yes. She's in her room," Morrible replied in a tone that implied the fact was completely obvious and that perhaps Boq was an idiot.

"Could you fetch-" Boq cut himself off. "Would you ask Miss Nessarose if she'll receive me? And chaperone us if she will."

Madame Morrible gave him an appraising look and Boq couldn't help his annoyance. He was getting a little tired of people looking at him like that when they couldn't even bother to learn his name.

"I'm on my way out. Head Shiztress duties, of course," Morrible said. "But I can have my butler call on Miss Nessarose and chaperone you. Ralf?"

A Rat in a coat and tails stepped out of the shadows to Boq's left. He gave a deep bow before turning on his heel and disappearing down a back hallway towards Nessa's room.

"He won't be but a moment," Morrible assured Boq, admiring her hair in the mirror once more before turning back to him. "What do you think, Master B-"

"Boq, ma'am," he said through gritted teeth. "And you look lovely."

Morrible knew the compliment was not sincere, but accepted it as such anyway.

"Right. Well, I must be off. Have a good evening, Master Block."

Boq inhaled as Madame Morrible opened the door and disappeared into the night. The return of Ralf did nothing to alleviate his frustration.

"Miss Thropp wishes to see you, Master Boq."

Ralf rose a hand and motioned down the hallway. Boq nodded and followed the familiar path to Nessa's room.

It was the Rat who knocked on the door to the bedroom and opened it upon hearing the "Please come in".

"Good evening, Nessa," Boq said rather stiffly as he entered Nessa's bedroom followed by Ralf.

Nessa was seated in her chair at her desk. She wore a robe over her nightgown and a blanket covered her legs. Her long brown hair, usually held back by one of her headbands, was braided down her back.

Whether Boq didn't see meaning behind her tired eyes and the dark circles beneath them or chose to ignore it, neither he nor Nessa knew.

"Hello, Boq. Please. Come in. Have a seat."

"I'd rather stand," Boq replied almost automatically.

He took dark pleasure in the look of surprise that crossed her face. But rather than argue with him, she just nodded.

"Miss Ga- Your sister sent me," Boq explained. "She asked where you were and I confided that I had not seen you. She wanted me to come."

Nessa nodded again.

"I appreciate you coming on her behalf, Boq. I'm… I'm fine," Nessa said slowly. "Actually, I'm rather glad that you came. I wished to speak to you. Please- I mean if you'd…. Won't you sit down? So you may be more comfortable?"

Boq was ready to snap at her again, but he remembered something Nessa had once mentioned about preferring to have serious conversations with people when they were sitting down. Something about being able to look them in the eye.

He took a deep breath and took a seat on her bed. She turned her chair to look at him. Ralf stood guard beside the door.

"What is it? That you wanted to tell me?"

Nessa too took a deep breath.

"I am very, very sorry. I have been terrible to you. You have no interest in me romantically and yet you courted me. And I let you… made you. In a way. And I'm sorry. You don't have to do this anymore. Go pursue Miss Galinda or whoever else you may desire."

Boq stared.

"What?"

"I said that you don't have to court me anymore. Pretend to be my boyfriend."

"So… you're breaking up with me?"

"In a way, I guess. Though ours was much more a farce than a relationship," Nessa admitted. "I'm so sorry, Boq. Really."

Nessa's hands gave a slight twitch, like she was going to reach out and take his hand in hers. But instead she just folded them on her lap.

Boq paused for a moment and considered Nessa's words. Then he nodded, satisfied.

"Alright then."

Nessa seemed to want to say something else, but didn't. Instead, she just nodded solemnly and stared at her lap.

"Nessa?"

"Hmm?"

"What brought this on?" Boq asked, his brow furrowing. "How long have you been considering this?"

Nessa bit her lip. She wouldn't look at him, only at the ceiling.

"It's… It's a long time coming."

"Well, you're a very fine actress then because you certainly didn't let it on at dinner the other night," Boq stated. "Either that's the case or you're lying to me."

Nessa squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, exhaling. When she opened her eyes again, they shimmered with tears.

"When I was in my Ozian philosophy class the other day," she said quietly, "we were covering the great philosopher Kakaellian. And it was his belief that, that… that everything we are is shaped by our choices. Every decision we make - good or bad, yes or no, red or blue - every decision we have ever made has helped create who we are now, and every decision we are making now will make later create our future. The past informs the present informs the future. And it's all of those infinite choices, big or small, that we make in our lifetime that determines who we are and what our future holds."

"So… what? I'm a bad decision?"

"No, no. You are not a bad decision. You are someone's very good decision. Just… not mine."

Boq frowned again. Nessa gave a small shake of her head and continued.

"No decision can be good if it means that someone else is getting hurt. And… and I can't hurt you. I just can't. I shouldn't have been hurting you all along and I have been and I'm sorry-"

"Nessa, I appreciate the apology and all, but this doesn't explain why you just made the decision not to do this anymore. What does the philosophy have to do with anything? What changed?"

"Our professor challenged us to consider our future using Kakaellian philosophy," Nessa answered. "He told us to imagine what decisions we've made in the past and the decisions we are making right now and imagine what our future will be like. And I did and I saw…"

Nessa took a deep breath.

"I saw myself behind the Governor's desk. My face looked gaunt and sallow. Like I was wasting away. And- and I was angry. I looked angry and bitter and I was… alone. And that picture, the image of… that version of the future scared me. I don't want to be some, to be that bitter, old woman. That's not the future I imagine for myself.

"So, I immediately started thinking through all the decisions I was making now that I could change so that that wouldn't happen. And step one was you. I had to let you go. Because as long as we continued this, I was holding you against your will."

"Oh, come on," Boq scoffed. "I'll be honest. I wasn't always happy about this, but that doesn't mean you were holding me against my will."

"Maybe not now," Nessa said. "But maybe that woman, that angry mean-looking woman, maybe she would. And I can't let myself become a woman who would do that. To you or anyone."

A sigh, this time of relief, escaped Nessa before she could stop it.

The words and emotions had been pushing at her for nearly a week and only now as she spoke them aloud did she finally feel any sense of relief.

"So," Boq said slowly. "This is step one. What's step two?"

Nessa sat back in her chair. She gave a look somewhere between a smile and a grimace.

"Much harder than step one," she replied. "And step one wasn't that easy."

Boq leaned forward unconsciously, urging her onward.

"It has always been the three of us," Nessa began. "My father, my sister, and I. And I have known since I was young that whatever was given to me was often given at the expense of my sister. I was- We were both raised to understand that I was to be given everything while Elphaba was to be given nothing. I disliked it, but I felt powerless to change anything. And when I was thinking about all those decisions I'd made that had led me to that horrible version of the future, I realized that I was powerless over all of it.

"Because as I was trying to think of the decisions that I had made, I kept having to go further and further back in my memory to do so. I couldn't remember making decisions, like truly mulling something over and having to choose. And I realized that it was because I hadn't made any decisions. None of them. I hadn't chosen anything for myself since childhood at least."

"You've made tons of decisions," Boq said in a corrective tone. "Tons of them. Even just since we've known each other. I mean, hell, you made the decision to come here. To Shiz, I mean. That's a decision."

But Nessa shook her head.

"No, it wasn't. Not mine, anyways. Because I remember father asking me about where I wanted to go, but I don't remember even considering it. It was just like one day the decision was made and I was told it was mine.

"And perhaps I am misremembering and that there was a lot of thought put into it. But I swear to the Unnamed God that I don't remember thinking through any big decision in my life since I was young. Because what I lack in memories of making decisions, I more than make up for in instances of my father telling me 'But this is what you wanted. This is what you chose'.

"Every decision. Every choice. I may have been offered them, but I didn't make them. My father made them and convinced me that the choices were mine," Nessa said, tears now streaming down her face. "And, and if Kakaellian is right and it's my choices that determine who I am, then I am no one. I am nobody, or at least if I am somebody, then I don't know who that person is. All I know is that I have not been the one making my own decisions. And that means I have to make this decision. I can either choose to make my decisions, to fix things, and accept whatever that may mean or I can choose to let my life continue this way and accept that it will turn me into that woman in my imagination."

"But that's just it, Nessa," Boq pointed out. "It was your imagination. You can't see the future. It's not set in stone."

"That's exactly my point," Nessa said, nodding. "It's not set in stone. Not if I change it now."

Boq had never been one to argue with Nessa, but there was something in her voice now that told him even if he tried, he wouldn't be able to convince her otherwise.

"Well, then," he said with a tone of finality. "Good luck. I guess. On…. making your own decisions and all that."

"Thank you, Master Boq," Nessa said, with an incline of her head.

She shivered slightly and pulled her robe closer around her. Boq felt the chill too and began to pull on his coat.

"I'll let your sister know you're okay," Boq offered. "Though I'm sure you're invited to join the group after dinner tonight."

"If you would tell her, I can follow-up with her tomorrow."

Boq gave a curt nod before he clicked his heels together and gave Nessa a traditional salute. He had meant it sardonically, but it seemed to come off sincere.

"Excuse me," Ralf said from his place near the door. "I will escort you out, Master Boq. With me, please. And goodnight, Miss Thropp."

Boq let Ralf lead him down the hallway to the foyer of Madame Morrible's quarters.

"Good evening, Master Boq. Please do have a safe journey home."

The butler bowed deeply and Boq gave him the same Munchkinland salute. But as he turned to open the door, he had one last thought.

"Ralf?"

"Sir?"

"Why do you call Miss Nessarose 'Miss Thropp', yet you call me 'Master Boq'?"

"She is the governor's daughter, sir," Ralf replied slowly. "He is a figure of great authority and power. As his daughter, she also has authority and power. It would be of the highest impropriety not to refer to her by her surname. To do so would not recognize her position."

"Does she use that power against you, Ralf?"

"No, sir. Miss Thropp is very kind to me, sir."

Boq considered this for a moment.

"What do you make of what she said? About her not making her own decisions?" Boq asked, his brow furrowed.

"It is not my place to comment on Miss Thropp's personal business, Master Boq," Ralf responded, stiffening. "I was merely chaperoning your visit to ensure no inappropriate behavior occurred."

Boq chuckled and shook his head.

"Your comments would be safe with me, Ralf," Boq said in a low voice. "What do you think about what she said?"

Ralf paused. For a moment it seemed like he was not going to answer. But then he let out a deep breath.

"Miss Thropp receives visits from her father once a month or so. He is always amiable to her and offers her whatever she likes, no matter the cost. But I do not hear her choose anything. It is only given and received. Never chosen. And there is a fear in her. Fear I do not think she recognizes. But perhaps, if her words tonight were true, it is only a matter of time before she does. And there is no telling what that recognition may do to the future."

Author's Notes

I know it's been five years since I posted a fic in this fandom, but I can explain: I've been busy.

A lot has happened in five years. Since the last time I posted something for Wicked, I switched majors, got a grownup job, moved into my first apartment, fell in love, found my passion, graduated college, started my career, moved again, got a new job, started grad school, got engaged, and moved again.

Like I said, I've been busy. But throughout all of that, I've been writing. A lot.

I realized a few years ago that writing is my primary form of self-care, so I've done a lot of it. Some has been original, some has been essays, but mostly, it's been fanfiction.

I wrote a little Scooby-Doo here, a little Avatar: The Last Airbender there. I spent quite a bit of time in the The Shape of Water fandom over on AO3 in 2018, culminating in my first novel-length fanfiction Lost and Found, followed by a bit of Doctor Who for the first time in several years.

Given that my two favorite things are family drama and healthcare administration, I just finished a year-long stint in the ER fandom. I wrote a very long AU called "unexpected circumstances" that involved rewriting five seasons of the show to make it 1) happy and 2) gay. It not only clocked in at my longest work to date (125k on its own, almost 200k with all the additional stuff), but it inspired the completion of my first original novel at the end of last year.

(I told you I was writing a lot.)

But, through all this, I never forgot about my unfinished Wicked stories. But in rereading them and figuring out what comes next, I decided to start fresh. Sorry to leave those where they lay, but instead I offer something fresh and new and much more likely to get finished than other things. It draws both from things I wrote a long time ago as well as a lot that I've learned since.

Plus, I've come quite a ways as a writer in those three and a half years, if I do say so myself, and I've also learned quite a bit. And, at least in my opinion, it makes for much better (fan)fiction.

So, here you go. May this make up for my past unfinished works.