Author's note: This fic was inspired by and titled after one of my favorite posts in the world, here: kessavel. tumblr post/147863709406/allhailpokemonvillains-benwarheit-things-i (I have to break it up bc fanfic's being mean)

"My dearest, it's wonderful to do this again… How long has it been since we parted?" Reichard Champoux, the BLU Spy asked softly.

"Goodness- Over twenty years! Didja meet anybody else while you were bein' a big strong mercenary?" Margaret McDonough, the mother of the Teufort nine's BLU Scout giggled softy, stirring her cocktail with her straw.

They shook their head. "No one could even compare."

René, the RED Spy, watched the two from across the room, jealous. It wasn't that he was single, or even eating alone. In fact, he had the opposite problem. It's... Him…

"Heyyy- Uh… Can I take yer order?" The Scout asked, poorly disguising his voice and appearance. René had to stare at this poor mimicry of his trade.

An obnoxious, attention-grabbing orange suit, fake mustache, and no hat. That's what Jeremy decided was good enough. Amara, however, found humor in her son's attempt.

"Oh wow, Renny hon, look at what a handsome server we got tonight!" She beamed, patting her husband's hand.

"... Indeed." René rolled his eyes.

Scout hid a grin, pushing the too-long sleeves of the jacket up to write. "I bet I know what you two would like!"

"Oh yeah? Is there a special today?" She couldn't help but play along, thinking Jeremy and René planned this together.

"As a matter of fact, there is! I betcha you're gonna love it!" Scout scribbled down nothing on the notepad.

"Can I please get any alcohol? The strongest you have." Spy rubbed his face, getting the feeling this would be a terribly long night.

"Got it!" Scout stifled a giggle, running off for the kitchen.

"... As you were saying?" René tried again, hoping to get a moment of peace with her before Scout returned.

"Oh, yeah! We finally got the roof fixed, baby! Isn't that great?" Amara squealed, her bracelets jingling as she clapped.

He smiled, remembering threatening the repairman with a knife for trying to run off with the money on her "Fantastic. I hope it's improved the drafts in there."

"It has! Keith hasn't caught a cold in ages!"

"Excellent. I always did worry for the boy." Spy sighed quietly, remembering the times Keith needed to stay home.

Scout listened from a wire-tap, something he stole from Spy. How dare he propose he gave a shit about anyone besides his mom. Scout hurried back out with three glasses of wine and a bucket of chicken, completely out of place at the nice restaurant René stole the idea from Rei to go to- chose, and rushed back to the table.

"I- Are you trying to tell me tonight's special is fucking fried chicken?!" René's hands twitched.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Fancy-pants, you wanted somethin' else y'shoulda gone to another joint!"

"Jeremy Marcelo Owens, this is a four-star restaurant."

Amara placed a hand on René's arm, giving him a look that he knew meant to give the boy a break. He relented.

"Who's Jeremy?" Scout squeaked, trying not to surrender out of fear

"... Apologies. You reminded me of someone I know. Merci, serveur." Spy plucked one of the glasses of wine from the tray and sipped it.

Scout set down the other two glasses and chicken.

"Dare I ask why there's an extra glass?" Spy raised an eyebrow as Jeremy pulled an extra chair over.

"New feature, dummy! Dine with a pal! So you don't ruin the atty-spear with yer gross kissin' n' shit!"

René took a deep breath, feeling his rage boil in his chest "It's atmosphere. Please. Please. Leave us alone."

"Oh yeah, so you can keep abandonin' me?" Scout didn't even bother with the ridiculous voice anymore.

"Jere-bear…" Amara warned

"So I can get a chance to enjoy something in my miserable life for once!" Spy banged his fists on the table, getting up to walk out. His breathing was ragged, and his face red with anger and regret. Why does he even try anymore?

Amara sighed, rubbing her face. Jeremy frowned, what just happened starting to register in his mind. "... Ma? I fricked up, didn't I?"

"No, honey… You two just… You gotta talk about this. I can't see my boys fight like this anymore."

Scout nodded sadly, taking the mustache off and tucking it in his pocket. He went outside after his father, who was smoking in an effort to calm his nerves. Scout shuffled closer, to lean against the wall with him.

"... Hey…" Scout tried to start.

"I'm sorry you hate me so much." Spy watched the wispy smoke flow in the cold air. "But, I suppose it's the only reaction I've earned. I'm a bastard, nothing more."

"N- Spy, it's… Spy, you're guilt-trippin' me."

Spy looked surprised, glancing at Scout. "Apologies, I thought I was getting better about that."

"It happens… Got a cig?"

"I'm not letting your ruin your lungs, Jeremy."

Scout chuckled, the sound hollow and disingenuous. "All right, all right, I got the message. Sorry for this."

"After my behavior, it's perfectly reasonable to react the way you have. There's nothing for you to apologize for." Spy sighed, choosing his words. "I overreacted."

"Eh, it wasn't my best prank work anyhow. Just you wait, I'll make one that'll really knock yer socks off! Maybe literally!" Jeremy laughed, more cheerful now.

"Maybe I could get you into voice training." The corner of Spy's mouth creeping into a smile.

"Donno what you're talkin' about! My voice was on point!" Scout elbowed his father, who rubbed where he was hit.

"At this point, I'm just wondering how you managed to pull this off."

"Huh? Oh- The staff's tied up in the back." Scout shrugged, his tone and expression unbothered.

"That's my boy." Spy dropped his cigarette in the ashtray on top of a nearby trash can "Come on, let's go bribe them out of calling the police."

"You got it, Pops!" Scout beamed.

Spy waited a moment "... No taking that back?"

"C'mon man, don't make a big deal of it or I might stop-"

Spy held up his hands in surrender "I'm not complaining! … I'm kind of glad you took this place over, it would've been dreadfully boring."

Scout grinned mischievously "After this how about we take that chicken and go to the park?"

"Scout, the park is closed… Luckily, I've got my lock picks." Spy mirrored his son's face, a manic glee taking over the two.

"Hell yeah!" Scout high fived his dad, running back inside.