Surprise.

Word count: 1,141 words.

Idiosyncratic Islander Inquiries: Memoirs of a Dejected Despot

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"I guess that explains why the airfare was so cheap," says the man formally known as the mayor as he glances around the emptiest first class to ever take flight. "Though I have to say, the complimentary shades and mask are pretty baller. If this is what an apocalypse's like, I hope it lasts a lifetime."

Did you know? The island you'll be revitalizing as part of your Nook Inc. Deserted Island Getaway Package was once a peninsula. Thousands of years ago, the island was a part of the greater mainland and known to the natives as Cape Cock. However, major tectonic shifts over time caused this bulbous headland to gradually break off from the mainland, whereupon it drifted aimlessly in the sea before settling in the middle of the ocean hundreds of years later. During the age of pirates, a plucky band of savage scurvy scourges unaware of the severed cape's humble beginnings stumbled upon the island throughout their travels. Declaring the island to be uncharted territory, they christened it anew and, in a twist of serendipity, did so with a name reminiscent of the one used by the natives ages before them—Kockhole Key.

"That sounds disgusting," he begins with a swig of his sparkling water. "But not as much as this."

And now, for your in-flight entertainment: Birds of Prey starring—

"Or that," he finishes. "Fuck's the attendant at? Where are my palate cleanser peanuts? What, are the nuts under quarantine now too?"

"Thanks for flying with us!" says Orville with a wave of his wing.

"You can say that again!" Wilbur chimes in. "Say, if you ever need to take a trip to any of the other countless deserted uninfected islands in the world, you know the airline to turn to!"

Upon checking in with customs and having his temperature taken tree times over, the once and former mayor steps out of the tiny airport and into the blistering reaches of the tropical unknown. The sun assaults him almost instantly, and his charred black hair only exacerbates the rate at which it clings to him.

"Well, it's definitely deserted. Can't say they lied about that."

Waves crashing, mosquitoes aplenty, sea as far as the eye can see, an assload of trees and not a hint of modern civilization to be found—Kockhole Key is simultaneously a toddler raised on mommy's NookPhone's worst nightmare, and the perfect getaway for anyone desperate to leave their past and the chronic ills of the world behind to start anew, without anything in the world to impede them.

"Hello! Yes, yes, you must be Mori Acres, yes?"

"What the fuck," Mori removes his shades, as is customary when face to face with something one desperately hopes is nothing more than one of those part and parcel desert island mirages. "Are you kidding me? No fucking way. Are there really no other entrepreneurs in the world? Well fuck me, I guess I walked right into that one. What did I expect, signing up for a getaway package with a company with a name like 'Nook Inc.'? Who the fuck did I think was going to show up? I don't even think I know."

"Hmm," Tom Nook's nose twitches knowingly. "Taking a vacation, are we 'mayor'? Yes, yes! But of course you are! Ah, but if that is the case, then you also must know that this type of vacation is permanent, yes?"

"I was impeached," says Mori, drawing a question mark from the tanuki's head.

"Really?" Nook tilts his head to the side. "How did that happen?"

"Went through my old tweets," he answers. "Apparently things that were funny and amusing seven years ago are now problematic and a symptom of our systematic socioeconomic disparity."

"Oh, yes, yes, I see," Nook nods. "'Impeached', hmm. Is that what you're calling it? Ah, yes, yes! But you never were one for assuming responsibility, were you? Yes, it all makes sense now. It's a smidgen less undignified to condemn the constituents for ousting you than it is admitting you were the one to leave them in the dust!"

Nook pivots from the subject before Mori can deck him in the jaw, courtesy of his approaching Nookling assistants.

"Oh, but what would life be without a little romanticism?" Nook casts a side glance at the former mayor, his resting eyes glossed with fantasy. "Mm, you were thinking this as well way back when, weren't you? I can see it on your face, yes yes, plain as day! I had the same feeling as well. Life is a journey, and you were all but craving the next step, weren't you?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Mori stares blankly. "Really, that's not me being catty or in denial. I really don't know what the fuck you're saying. Speak English, you little rat."

"Ah!" Timmy's eyes widen, his nose twitching with excitement. "Our guest has arrived!"

"—has arrived...!" says Tommy, his every movement as lacking in rhythm as usual. "But what are we dawdling around on the port for? There's much yet to do! Isn't there, Mr. Nook?"

"Oh, yes yes!" Nook double takes. "I had almost forgotten! Quickly! We must make haste! We have many lengthy diatribes and waivers to divulge upon you!"

"All of which I'm sure I'll mash through," the former mayor yawns.

The tanukis sally forth into the unfettered grip of the blistering hot isle, leaving behind an invitation to join them.

"Welcome to your new paradise!" the trio proudly declare. "A new horizon awaits! horizon awaits...!"

Mori grabs his single bag of luggage, marking his first historic step on the island with the untenable taste of salt in his mouth.

"Guess it can't be worse than coughing to death."

Nook Inc. Deserted Island Getaway Package — Now Open for Tenancy Reservations