The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is at a meeting somewhere. This is another one of my ideas on what Mallory did while waiting for Archer to wake up.

The Coma Club

"Hello Ms. Archer!" Gladys the Nurse walked in with a large heavyset white male doctor with a beard and balding hair. "Dr. Walton is here to check on Archer today."

"Oh joy," Mallory said as she arranged some chairs in the room. "Just what I need. Another doctor to tell me nothing I don't already know."

Dr. Walton asked. "And how is our patient today?"

Mallory looked at Archer and back at him. "How does he look? What do you think he's doing? Writing the next great American novel? How To State The Obvious?"

Dr. Walton looked around. "Are you preparing for a party?"

"No, I'm going to entertain the Queen of England," Mallory said sarcastically. "And it's not a party. It's just a little get together."

"I've been meaning to have a talk with you about your little get togethers," Dr. Walton coughed. "You know having too many people in this room is against the rules, right? The fact that you are practically living here is also against the rules I might add!"

"You're going to lecture me about rules?" Mallory interrupted. "Dr. I Can Technically Park In The Handicapped Spot? Even though you can walk perfectly fine? Which is a major accomplishment considering the girth of your waistline. I'm amazed if you can see your toes at all!"

"I…" Dr. Walton was astonished.

"Or how about the rule that you're supposed to have your phone on call at certain times?" Mallory went on. "Instead of shutting it off when you're playing golf?"

"Told you people would figure that out," Gladys said to Dr. Walton.

"And if you want to talk about parties," Mallory went on. "How about the one you and a few other doctors had with those candy stripers last week in that closed operating room?"

"Okay! I get the point!" Dr. Walton bristled. "And it wasn't a party. We were just practicing."

"I saw what you were doing," Mallory scoffed. "I guess Dr. Haller does need practicing doing the horizontal mambo."

"He, he…" Gladys snickered under her breath. Dr. Walton was clearly horrified.

"You should also practice locking doors," Mallory went on. "Especially Doctors Blue and Carpenter. If they want to keep their affair secret from their respective spouses. I have to give them points for creativity for sexual poses though. They could update the Kama Sutra with some of the tricks they were doing."

"Oh, so bad," Gladys snickered.

"Ms. Archer…" Dr. Walton sputtered.

"You need to have a talk with those two," Mallory told him. "The other night I caught them stumbling around with their lips locked so tight you would think they were glued together! And then those idiots actually stumbled into this room and fell on top of Sterling! They were making out on top of him! Thank God I had a can of Lysol to not only chase them out, but disinfect the room of their cooties!"

"I see…" Dr. Walton had the sense to look embarrassed. "I'm very sorry about that."

"Who needs to watch medical dramas?" Mallory snapped. "This whole place is a passion pit Shondra Rhimes would give half of her money to rip off of!"

"Mmmm hmmmm," Gladys nodded in agreement.

"Yes, I understand your concerns," Dr. Walton sighed. "Nevertheless…"

"Keep it up, Dr. Whale!" Mallory growled. "I can get you fired like Dr. Happenpeep!"

"Okay first of all…" Dr. Walton stiffened. "It's Dr. Walton."

"She knows," Gladys sighed.

"And as for the unfortunate incident with Dr. Happenpeep…" Dr. Walton coughed. "That was more his doing than…"

"Oh please!" Mallory snapped. "If I hadn't said anything that lush would still be passed out in the janitor's closet! With his pants and underwear down to his ankles."

"You're calling him a lush?" Dr. Walton snapped.

"I can hold my liquor," Mallory protested.

"And everyone else's apparently," Gladys rolled her eyes.

"I'm just having a little support group meeting," Mallory shrugged.

"In your son's hospital room?" Dr. Walton asked.

"What's he going to do?" Mallory pointed at Archer. "Complain about the noise?"

"And what's with the bottles of alcohol?" Dr. Walton pointed.

"Refreshments," Mallory explained casually.

"Ms. Archer…" Dr. Walton began.

"Relax John-Boy," Mallory waved. "I've put in a few cans of ginger ale and Fresca too. And some snacks."

"Crackers filled with peanut butter and a couple bags of pretzels?" Gladys asked.

"It was all I could get from the vending machine," Mallory protested.

Dr. Walton huffed. "Ms. Archer I don't think you should have a meeting or whatever it is you call it in your son's office."

Mallory countered. "And I don't think you should have all those candy bars stashed in your top drawer. Especially since your dietician specifically told you to cut down on the sweets. And he definitely won't like the fact that you've been sneaking down to the Cold Stone Creamery for your five O'clock kalua and cream milkshake every day!"

Dr. Wilson paused. "Then again this is a support group after all…"

"I thought so," Mallory folded her arms triumphantly.

"We should go and let you have your meeting," Gladys said diplomatically as some people walked into the room.

"You might as well stay Gladys," Mallory waved. "We all know you anyway and you're around here all the time."

"Good idea," Dr. Walton nodded. He said to Gladys. "Keep an eye on them and make sure the party doesn't get out of control this time!"

"I am not paid enough for this," Gladys sighed as Dr. Walton left and she took a seat with the group. "On the other hand, why pass up a chance to rest my feet for a few minutes?"

"All right everyone," Mallory sighed as she started to pour some drinks. "This meeting of the Coma Club will now come to order. First some news, Dr. Happenpeep is gone. I caught him passed out in the janitor's closet again and reported him to the board. As of today, the man is out of this hospital and into rehab."

"Good riddance," A familiar brown bearded man said. "Never did like that guy."

"He was such a drunk," Mallory said as she took a drink. "Is there any other new business? I see we have a new face here. Why don't you introduce yourself?"

A brown-haired woman dressed in blue spoke up. "Hello. I'm Carol Hobbes. My sister has just fallen into a coma. She's down the hall. I heard we can get drinks here?"

"Here you go," Mallory gave her a drink. "Tell us your story Carol."

"Not much to tell," Carol shrugged. "My younger sister Carrie has always been the adventurous one. She wanted to travel. Two weeks ago, she got bit by a rare South American spider."

"Oh my," Mallory was stunned. "What country was she visiting?"

"This one. She got bit at the Shop And Save two miles from her condo," Carol explained. "Hiding in the grapes. They never did check the produce well at that particular store. That's why I prefer Groceries And Stuff."

"That's a very nice store," Gladys said. "Wait, your sister has been in a coma for two weeks? I haven't seen you before."

"Today is my first visit," Carol said.

"You're just visiting your sister now?" Mallory asked.

"I just got back from Hawaii now!" Carol said. "She had a fully paid vacation for a week in Maui at this fancy resort. And she literally fell into a coma a day before her trip."

"And you figured why waste it?" Mallory asked. "I can see that."

"It was a very lovely resort," Carol said as she took a sip. "Really took the edge off my sister being in a coma."

"I take it you and your sister aren't very close," Gladys groaned.

"Not really no," Carol sighed. "The trip to Hawaii was from my mother. She gave Carrie the money for her trip in her will. All I got was a lousy blender."

"I do not blame you for going on that trip," Mallory nodded.

"My mother always did favor my sister over me," Carol grumbled. "Well who's laughing now, Mom? Oh, and I also took that diamond necklace she gave her. If anyone asks, it got lost in the mail."

"We can keep a secret," Mallory nodded.

"The doctors are saying there's a fifty percent chance she may never wake up and I may have to pull the plug," Carol smirked. "Fingers crossed!"

"Let's go to the next person," Mallory suggested. "To someone who actually likes their relative? Bob? You go."

"Bob Hampers," A young man with brown hair and a beard raised his hand. "My brother was in a coma and now my mother is in a coma. My brother died shortly after my mother fainted, hit her head and went into a coma. Well technically she fainted because she was a diabetic…"

"But falling down and hitting her head didn't help," Mallory sympathized.

"Nope," Bob sighed. "Mom doesn't know my twin brother died. She also doesn't know that her house has been foreclosed and sold. My brother's wife has run off with one of my other brothers. My uncle Pete, her brother has also died. Her boyfriend ran off with another woman. And a truck ran over her cat."

"Oh my!" Carol gasped.

"Needless to say," Bob took a drink. "I am not looking forward to that conversation when she wakes up."

"Testify," Mallory sighed.

"I'm so sorry about your twin brother," Gladys said.

"I'm not," Bob said. "I hated the greedy little bastard. He's the one who started the foreclosure proceedings against Mom's house. Good news, I got a nice big fat check on it."

"Good for you, Bob," Mallory said. "Are you going to use some of that money to pay your mother's medical bills?"

"I'm using all of that money for a new car," Bob said.

"What about your mother?" Carol asked.

"She's loaded and has a trust fund," Bob waved. "She'll be fine."

"If she has money then why did your brother foreclose her house?" Mallory was confused.

"Spite," Bob explained. "The last few years they've been fighting a lot."

"I see," Mallory nodded. "Okay let's go to the next person. Joe?"

"Joe Pangetelli," An older man spoke up. "My wife had a stroke and fell into a coma before she was going to run off with one of my golf buddies. Good news, my golf buddy and I have made up and our golf game is better than ever."

"That is good news!" Mallory and the rest of the group clapped. "What about your wife?"

"Eh," Joe shrugged. "Honestly now I just visit to make sure the crazy bitch is still in a coma."

"I hear you!" A well-dressed older woman with her white hair cut in a bob spoke up. "Katherine Marks. My husband had a heart attack in a hot tub while bonking a twenty-something year old floozie. Who it turns out had some kind of venereal disease. So, he's got that too."

"Serves him right," Carol called out in support.

"The disease isn't called Archers is it?" Mallory asked.

"No, Herpes," Katherine said.

"Oh whew!" Mallory sighed. "There's one small relief. Sterling catted around with so many women anything is possible."

"We'll here's something possible," Katherine said proudly. "I'm filing for divorce!"

"While your husband is in a coma?" Gladys asked.

"Yeah," Mallory was shocked. "Couldn't you wait and see if he dies first? That would save you a lot of money in legal fees."

"I thought of that," Katherine remarked. "Then I realized I just didn't want to wait. Besides if he dies then his children from his first marriage can pay for it."

"First marriage?" Gladys asked.

"He was married to this other woman for about three years before they divorced," Katherine explained. "She left him. And now I know why."

"I see," Mallory took a sip.

"My first clue should have been when she showed up at the wedding and gave me her phone number," Katherine groaned. "Told me if I ever needed to talk to call her."

"That is a big red flag," Carol admitted.

"Worked out though," Katherine said. "We're actually good friends. And I know if there's a funeral she's got one hell of a eulogy planned."

"I'll speak," A thin wiry man with a scraggly beard spoke up. "I'm Dale. I've been visiting Jack Flange on the next floor. He's been in a coma for three weeks."

"Oh, I'm so sorry Dale," Mallory sympathized. "Are you a relative?"

"No, I'm his pot dealer," Dale said. "And apparently his only visitor. Even though he's got three ex-wives, four kids and a ton of relatives."

"It's sad when your only visitor is your dope dealer," Mallory commiserated.

"I prefer the term marijuana procurer," Dale corrected. "Especially since pot became legal and I was able to open up a shop."

"Is that the place on 33rd Street?" Bob asked.

"Yes, it is," Dale said proudly. "Plenty of Good."

"I thought I recognized you," Bob said.

"It's a shame though," Dale shook his head. "Nice guy. Always paid on time. Always tipped me."

"Who tips their drug dealer?" Mallory asked.

"You'd be surprised," Dale told her. "Again, marijuana procurer."

"Potato, po-doobie-o," Mallory quipped.

"You got any samples?" Carol asked.

"No!" Gladys interrupted sharply. "You are not giving out samples in this hospital! Uh uh! No way!"

"Why not?" Mallory asked.

Dale pointed to Mallory. "You're letting her serve alcohol."

"Yeah!" Bob said.

"Be glad I'm letting you have that," Gladys groaned. "I admit I'm sorely tempted to have some myself. But I'll settle for the ginger ale."

"Okay I'll go next," Mallory sighed. "Mallory Archer. This is my son Sterling. My only son. Who is really milking this coma thing."

"Yeah that's what coma patients do," Gladys gave her a look.

"Basically, my son is in here because he uses his penis for a brain," Mallory sighed. "Extremely short version, he slept with a crazy woman when he got into a fight with his baby mama and they went on break. Then the crazy woman murdered her ex-husband and tried to frame the baby mama. Then Sterling tried to get her to confess using an extremely ill thought out plan. She shot him with the gun he gave her for some stupid reason and he fell in the pool and almost drowned on top of being shot."

"That's the short version?" Dale asked.

"It's a long stupid story," Mallory groaned. "I can't make it any shorter. Or less stupid."

"That guy looks familiar to me for some reason," Carol remarked.

"I was thinking that too," Dale said. "Wait do you guys know a guy named Krieger?"

"Never heard of him," Mallory said quickly. "Next!"

A thin middle-aged woman spoke up. "I'm Henrietta Clump. My husband George is in a coma. He never cheated on me. To be fair he never really had the energy to. The only thing he cheated on was his diet. I told that man not to drink that entire chocolate fountain at my cousin's wedding. But he just had to do it because his idiot friend Bruce told him to."

"Oh, so it's a diabetic coma?" Mallory asked.

"Yes," Henrietta sighed. "Boy is he going to be surprised when he wakes up without a foot."

"I think that is a lesson we all can learn from this," Mallory sighed.

Gladys looked at two soda cans. "I think I'm glad I chose the ginger ale instead of the Fresca judging by these labels. But not by much…"

"And you think pot is unhealthy?" Dale asked. "This is what really grinds my gears! The sugar industry has been literally getting away with murder for decades! But one guy accidentally crashes into a donut shop after having a few puffs and everyone's out for my industry's hide!"

"To be fair," Bob spoke up. "It was a really good donut shop."

"Well yes obviously I'm upset about that!" Dale admitted. "They had the best maple bacon donuts I ever had! But I shouldn't be blamed for what happened! It wasn't even my pot he was on!"

"Maple bacon donuts?" Mallory did a double take. "That's a thing?"

"Yup," Henrietta nodded. "George could knock back a bakers dozen of those suckers faster than he could drink a beer. And he can drink beer pretty fast let me tell you."

"I could go for a beer," Dale said. He took a sip of scotch. "On the other hand, this is pretty damn good!"

"That's Glengoolie Blue," Mallory huffed. "It's more than pretty damn good!"

"Isn't that kind of scotch expensive?" Carol asked.

"Not for me," Mallory shrugged as she kicked back a glass.

"And you are always complaining about your hospital bills," Gladys groaned.

"I stand by my complaints," Mallory told her. "Besides a good scotch is a necessity in life! It will do you better than most medicines!"

"I think I'll stick with modern medicine thank you," Gladys groaned.

Just then Dr. Walton walked into the room. "Mrs. Marks can I speak to you for a moment?"

"I don't know," Mallory quipped. "Can you?"

"All right," Dr. Walton was frustrated. "May I speak to you for a moment? In private."

"If it's about my bill I already told the billing department to charge everything to my husband's son," Katherine spoke up. "If that little bastard thinks that he can get away with not paying his fair share…"

"No, not that," Dr. Walton coughed. "It's something else…"

"Well then tell me," Katherine sighed as she took a sip of her drink. "What?"

"You might as well say it out loud," Mallory told him. "She's going to tell us anyway."

"Very well," Dr. Walton sighed. "Mrs. Marks your husband has just died."

"So much for modern medicine," Mallory quipped.

"I'm so sorry," Gladys said to Katherine.

"So am I!" Katherine snapped. "I just paid a good lawyer thousands of dollars to start divorce proceedings!"

"Told you," Mallory shrugged.

"You called it," Bob nodded. "By the way who had this week in the betting pool?"

"I'll check my notes," Mallory took out a notepad.

"Betting pool?" Dr. Walton shouted. "You're betting on if your loved ones die?"

"No, when," Mallory said. "But it's not all death. Some of it is just waking up. Oh, good news Gladys! You win!"

"What?" Dr. Walton gasped.

"How much?" Gladys asked.

"Two hundred," Mallory said. "I'll get the pot!"

"Seriously?" Dr. Walton shouted.

"We asked her to join," Katherine said. "And a few other nurses."

"Yeah it's not like she did it on her own," Bob said.

"How do you get in on this pot?" Carol asked.

"Yeah I want in too," Dale added.

"I'll set you up," Mallory said. "Fifty dollars for a slot."

"Put me in for next month for my husband," Henrietta spoke up. "That's usually how long he's passed out anyway."

"Two weeks for my sister," Carol called out.

"Next week for Mr. Galegoid down the hall," Dr. Walton sighed as he got some money out. "It's not looking well for him."

"Okay," Mallory paid Gladys and then took money for the next round of bets. "Anybody else?"

"Nah I'm gonna let it ride for my mom," Bob said. "I still have a few weeks to go on the latest bet. Here's hoping!"

"I'm hoping I can get a refund," Katherine groaned.

"Good luck with that," Mallory groaned.

"The good news is that you are all invited to the funeral," Katherine told the group. "And the after-funeral repast."

"I don't know if I can get away," Mallory sighed. "I've been away from Sterling's bedside too long as it is…"

"I'll have an open bar," Katherine told her.

Mallory didn't miss a beat. "Then again it's only for a few hours. I'm sure Sterling wouldn't mind."

"What time is this funeral?" Bob asked.

"I'll bring stuff!" Dale said. "If you know what I mean."

"Then I'm definitely going," Mallory brightened.

"I'm definitely going to ask for a raise," Gladys groaned.