Warning: This is a work of fiction. It might not prove suitable for those of a humourless disposition.

Winnie-the-Pooh is in Lockdown Too

"Coughs and sneezes spread diseases"

Kanga was on her way home when she came across Pooh Bear. "Pooh, are you ill, is something wrong?"

"Oh, hello Kanga," said Pooh, straightening up. "I am quite well, thank you. I was practicing."

"Practicing what, Pooh?"

"I have to cough into my elbow, Kanga, so that other people don't become poorly. Christopher Robin says it's very important. Only you see, Kanga, that I am a bear of very little elbow." Pooh held out his stubby little arms, "So I thought I should practice."

"I'm sure it will be fine, Pooh. Don't worry." And Kanga hopped her way home, wondering how such a strange new idea could have got into Pooh's head. When she got home she found Roo washing his hands at the kitchen sink and singing.

"Roo dear, why are you singing that, is it somebody's birthday?"

"Oh no, I have to sing 'Happy Birthday' every time I wash my hands. Christopher Robin says it is very important; if I don't do it every time I could become poorly."

Kanga decided that she needed to visit Christopher Robin then and there. He talked about coughs and sneezes and lots of people becoming very ill. "It's a coughing-illness and it comes from China or some other far-away place," he told her. "And it's coming here, to England and the Hundred Acre Wood." He showed her newspaper stories with lots of words that neither of them quite understood; words like 'contagion' and 'exponential' and 'isolation'.

Kanga went home and thought and thought. Then she took her biggest shopping basket and went to the shops. When she came home her pouch was filled with all sorts of things; her basket was heavy with cans of food; and in her other hand she had a bag of toilet rolls almost as big as Roo.

Roo was curious and offered to help her unpack, but she said it might be better if he didn't touch it, 'just to be on the safe side'. So Roo watched and marvelled as the kitchen cupboard was filled with cans of soup, cans of beans, cans of tuna, and all sorts of tins. Then there were packets of rice, and pasta in funny shapes which Roo had never seen before. Lots of little packets of pills went into the bathroom cabinet, and the shelves were stacked with bars and bars of soap. There was even a packet of nappies, and Roo had not worn those for years! "Better safe than sorry," said Kanga. Then she picked up the now-empty basket and went back to the shops for more.

Later, Pooh and Piglet went into the Hundred Acre Wood together and saw Rabbit ahead of them. Pooh called out, "Rabbit, come and play Poohsticks with us."

But Rabbit called back, rather crossly, "No, Pooh, that's wrong. Keep two metres away from me. And you two shouldn't be so close together."

"Rabbit, what is a 'metre' and where are they?" asked Pooh. "I can't see one around here."

"I mean," said Rabbit, annoyed, "that you and Piglet should keep apart or you will give each other the coughing sickness."

"But neither of us have got a cough," said Pooh.

"You will both get one if you don't stay away from each other."

"Have you got the coughing illness, Rabbit?" asked Piglet.

"No, and I don't want it! Good bye!" and Rabbit ran away.

"Oh dear. Do you think he is right?" asked Piglet.

"I hope not, Piglet, but just in case …"

A day or two later, Pooh went to see Eeyore in his Gloomy Place. Eeyore was in his stick house looking out. "Hello Pooh. Stay back: I am self iso-lat-ing."

"Does it hurt, Eeyore?"

"No, Pooh, it means I am staying in my house and not going out. And don't come nearer."

"Why, Eeyore? Have you got the coughing sickness?"

"No, and I mustn't get it. I am an old and vulnerable donkey."

"What does 'vuner bull' mean, Eeyore."

"It means … err … it means that if I become ill then I would be very ill indeed."

"Oh dear. Shall I go away then?" And Pooh hurried away before Eeyore could ask him if he wouldn't awfully mind helping an old and vulnerable donkey by picking a few thistles, because even old and vulnerable donkeys could get rather hungry.

On the way home Pooh met Piglet. "Piglet what is that on your face?"

"It's a mask, Pooh. You should have one too. Kanga is making everybody one. Nobody coughs into their elbows anymore, they wear masks instead."

Later, Pooh went out to show off his new, black mask and to see what others were wearing. Tigger was bouncing along looking very happy. "Hello Tigger, are you going to get your mask now? Kanga has made one for you too."

"Hoo Hoo! Tiggers don't wear masks. Tiggers don't get ill!"

"Are you sure, Tigger? And it might help everybody to stay well if you did."

"It's all a joke, Christopher Robin is having a game with us. There is no coughing illness."

"But it's in the newspapers, Tigger."

"False news, it's false news. A Hoo Hoo HOAX!" And Tigger bounced happily away.

Next day Christopher Robin went around telling everybody that they were going to be in Lockdown, which meant that everybody, including himself, was to stay at home like Eeyore and not go out.

"Oh dear," said Pooh. "That doesn't sound like any fun at all."

"Well it isn't for fun, Pooh, but it isn't quite as bad as it sounds. You can go out once a day for exercise."

"'Exercise', Christopher Robin, what is 'exercise'?"

"It's walking or running around without enjoying it."

"I don't think I could do that: I don't run, and I like walking in the Hundred Acre Wood." Pooh thought a little. "As long as it's not hurried, I'm the sort of bear who likes to stop and look."

"Rabbit has got a shiny yellow waistcoat to wear, and it will be his job to be out seeing that everybody obeys the rules. You could tell him you are exercising, even if you are just going for a wander."

Pooh thought about that. "I suppose it might be fun, fooling Rabbit. … What about Tigger, is he doing Lockdown as well?"

"Tigger has a nasty little cough. No going out at all for him."