The Bigger Picture

A/N: This is my take on what happened between Nerissa and the Real Mage, before Nerissa took her place. It's a bit dark and tragic, but I think that was already suggested in the show. Be prepared. 😉 The story is retold prom Nerissa's POV. Now for her personality here, I've used just a chunk of her comic book self, which wasn't my favorite. The cartoon versions of the characters will always be my favorite, but as usual, I kind of mix the Cartoon Universe and the Comic Universe. (mainly cartoon though)

This story reflects on Nerissa's actions and emotions during the time her old friend the Mage found her death. Enjoy! I'd love to hear your comments.

Summary: Inspired by Nerissa's words : "The Mage was my dear friend. Took me in after a stray portal opened in my cell on Thanos. She wanted me to…see the bigger picture, which I did. To her regret."- in s2ep15.
What really happened between Nerissa and the Mage all these years ago? Nerissa has been free from Thanos for years, but feels like she's living a pointless life. She misses her true self and is ready to go back to her. What will happen when her friend stands between her and her goals? Pre-Series. Nerissa's POV.

"You've been using your powers."- her voice thundered. "You promised me not to use the power of Xin Jing ever again! How dare you disrespect me and our friendship, Nerissa? You gave me a word!"

So finally she had caught me. She had caught me off guard and as I struggled to hide my tracks, I already knew that it is in vain. I was obviously trespassing her magic chamber. I was using her things. I was forbidden to do that without her consent, but this time the case was even worse- she had actually seen me use my powers. My powers over the fifth element which were deathly forbidden to me.

The rigid gaze of Resadora pierced me like the tip of a dagger dipped in acid. I would never forget that look. Green eyes full of contempt, resentment and a sense of betrayal... I had betrayed her. After everything she had done for me, I had betrayed her. But I didn't regret it. At that moment, I felt nothing. I stood like a frozen sculpture as she approached me with those big, striking eyes that reflected her soul:

"I trusted you!"- she yelled. "I thought that I was doing the right thing by freeing you of your prison on that mountain top... I've been a fool."

"Don't say that."

I couldn't recognize my voice as I said that. It came out sounding so weak and hoarse... As if my appearance hadn't suffered enough already, now I was losing my voice. My voice, which had once been the most beautiful in Heatherfield. I had been the most beautiful...I caught a look of my reflection in the old mirror above the shelf with the herbs.

No, that badly aging hag wasn't me. I didn't feel like that; she looked like a mummy! How could I keep looking at her each time I glanced in the mirror? I didn't want to be her. I hated her. I hated what they had turned me into. I hated them, but I also missed them. I missed everything about being a guardian, including the four traitors.

"You're brewing a potion?"- the Mage noted, having come near the table in front me. "What for, if I dare ask? What potion requires the powers of the Ancient Nymph? You..."

I closed my eyes and waited for her to spit in my face. When Resadora discovered what I had been doing before she had caught me, she was surely going to regret everything. She'd regret helping me and giving me a new chance to live, after the Oracle sentenced me to an eternity of despair and isolation. But I still didn't care. I didn't care that she'd feel betrayed. Right then and there, she was never my real friend. I glanced over at her ever-lasting beauty with reluctant envy. Her stunning face and smooth skin, those long fair tresses...

Had she been my real friend, she would've given me this suggestion herself. She knew how much I suffered living like this...In this form, looking like a decaying corpse. Yet she had lied to me. She had said that nothing would be able to ever bring my youth back. Her youth was eternal, but she couldn't do a single thing to give me back my beauty? My beauty which I had only lost in the name of my survival? I had known she was lying the moment she had uttered that.

"You're using dark magic!"- the Mage hissed and turned to me. She was standing so near that I could practically smell the fresh aroma of wild flowers. Her scent. Her perfect makeup. She was a hypocrite. "You're using dark magic for the sake of your vanity?! How could you, Nerissa? I made you my apprentice! I've been hiding you in my home on Meridian for years, how could you betray my trust for the sake of your vanity?!"- she slammed her fist against the table, making the kettle with the potion and all the jars and phials cower under her rage.

I don't want to lie to myself, her anger really did frighten me to a certain extent. We come a long way, I've known Resadora since my very first quest on Meridian, when me and the other girls had been in our early teens. Resadora, the Ancient Mage, the last vessel of the ancient empire, was an omnipotent being whose power most probably exceeded that of the Queen herself. She was someone even those creatures on Kandrakar respected, and that said a lot about who she was. She could obliterate me with a single spell if she decided to, but that wasn't what I feared. My fear found a place to thrive in the very next utterance which she made:

"If you don't give me a proper explanation, I'll personally contact Himerish right away and I'll confess what I did, falsely believing that to be a good deed for a friend's redemption-"

"No!"

My voice had finally returned. I dared to look into her angry eyes:

"I'd rather die than meet these people in this state. Decaying and powerless. I want to have at least one of the two before we meet again. My power or my beauty."

That had shocked her. She gazed down at me; I have always been rather tall for a woman, almost 6 feet, but the Mage towered upon me in her remarkable 7-foot figure:

"You'll never meet them again if you know what's best for you! What are you even speaking of? Power? Beauty? How shallow can you be? You're lucky to be breathing, come to your senses before you lose what's left of your life!"

"And you call this a life?"- I snapped bitterly. I'm shallow? She's the bitch who has been preserving her gorgeous looks for years! And, no, it wasn't just in her nature. I had read about as I had seen other individuals from her race. All of them aged. Resadora was simply taking advantage of her great power. It's always about power. "I've been your servant for years! Apprentice...yeah right! You only use me to dust around this dump and pick ingredients for you! I've been nothing but grateful to you, Mage, even when you didn't deserve it! The least you could've done for me was give me back a chunk of my youth and beauty. That's all I was asking for! Yet you chose to stand by and watch me wither. Are you really my friend?"- my bitter sneer almost made her gasp. "You're just like Yan Lin and the others."

In that moment, the Mage looked like she was really reflecting on friendship. On our friendship, to be more specific.

"The least I could've done for you? I did the unthinkable for you! I wanted you to see the bigger picture, Nerissa. I wanted you to redeem yourself, because I knew the old Nerissa."- she twisted her face in a grimace of poorly concealed disgust. "I still believe that you can leave the evil behind. Leave your addiction to power behind and move on in the name of- "

"The old Nerissa can't move on if she's indeed old."- I hissed. "Look at me! I'm supposed to be in my prime! I've already lost so many years up in that hellhole. How do you expect of me to move on and just forget? Forget that I was once the keeper of the Heart? To forget that I was once beautiful? What is left for me if I leave all that behind? What will be left of me, if I forget who I am?! Or rather, who I was?! Maybe you expect me to have a humble life here on Meridian, as your servant until my last breath? That is not a life I want to live."

For a minute there was pity in her eyes. Even in the dimly-lit room, her majestic eyes glowed like two falling stars. I barely managed to control my anger. If there was something which I hated to be shown, it had to be pity. Pity and disobedience. But then again, I didn't hold a candle to Resadora at that time. How could I demand obedience from her? I was the one under her thumb.

"Your words show me that you have not yet managed to let go of the materialistic, despite all the years that have gone by. The corrupting nature of all these things you're pining over."- the Mage put her hand on my shoulder. "When I took you under my wing, I warned you that you'll have to change completely. To be able to see the bigger picture. You agreed back then. I know you had no better option, you were so frail and scared- "

"I agreed because you said that I'll feel useful here."- I interrupted her. I hated what she was suggesting even if it was, in part, true. I didn't fear death. I feared living a meaningless life. "But so far, I haven't felt useful by any means. Years have passed, Resadora, but all I've seen is a pathetic existence waiting for its end. I've seen you, effortlessly beautiful and powerful, helping the Meridianites. Living a life which I'd do anything to have... In the bigger picture which you speak of, there's no place for me."

"Nerissa, is that envy I read on your face."- she appeared to be genuinely surprised. Had I overestimated the Mage's intellect? "Envy for me?"

I frowned. At that point, I could most probably envy even the Palace servants. I didn't get what was so shocking in the statement, which I hadn't made anyway.

"I don't know, perhaps you can't "read" from my face very well, because of all the untimely wrinkles that I've received as a gift from our dear Oracle."

She had the rudeness to laugh. But her laugh had never been crude by itself.

"Oh, Nerissa."- she said somewhat nostalgic. "Somewhere deep inside, you still carry that spark which I found fascinating all these years ago when I first met you. The reason why I wanted to be your friend. You say that my appearance brings you displeasure and pain? I've been maintaining my outer shell as means of protection. Without this spell I'm much more vulnerable... I am, as you know, ancient. But here's what I'll do to soothe you. I will lose all that. I will part with the overrated "beauty" and youth which you languish without. For me it's just one more protection."

I was taken aback. I couldn't believe it when, in front of my eyes, she started changing. A smiting transformation occurred as she let her protective shell dissipate. The beautiful white skin wrinkled. Her makeup no longer made her face glow in the same way- its forms and hues also changed and darkened... Her hands dried up and her nails lost all their shine. Her hair, oh God, watching all that hair fall out until Resadora was practically bald, hurt even me. The only thing to remain seemingly the same in her were the eyes. The piercing green eyes that actually rather resembled mine. It's always the eyes, I recalled my grandmother's words from many years ago. The eyes are the last thing to fade away before the arrival of the Black Guest. Only, in the Mage's case, that was never going to happen. She might've looked like a hag now, but she'd never die. A hag like me... Yes, how very peachy.

But she was a being of eternal and absolute magical energy. She couldn't die, now could she? Of course, she couldn't. She wasn't a mortal creature. How wrong I had been...

"My friend, this is the bigger picture. Life is much more than looks and power. You can be useful in so many other ways...And to prove that, I will embrace my years and this appearance."- her voice had gotten so hoarse, I barely recognized it. It was so different; I could swear I was hearing the centuries in it. "I may look like this now. Much "worse" than you, if I may add. But that won't stop me from fulfilling my position. I'll keep being Meridian's source of aid and assistance. Now do you promise me to forget your thoughtless decisions?"

The rest was fast to follow. I was still getting over the shock of Resadora's new look while she busied herself with my potion. She made it vanish and teletransported all the phials and jars back in their places. Then she turned to me and gave me a smile with her new dry face.

"I have a few urgent things to do around the village and then I'll be back."- she told me and magically changed into a elegant long cloak, the hood of which she pulled over her now bald head. I got it. Her old wardrobe no longer suited her looks. "When I'm back, we're going to have dinner. Rest up, my friend. I'll cook tonight. You can just go over this floor with a broom. What say?"

I forced a smile and watched her leave. What exactly did she think that she had achieved? She had showed me that she wasn't that attached to her appearance, fine. But she still had her position as Mage and omnipotent magical energy being. What had she actually let go of? Haughty mackerel. I had been powerful too. Once. Before all that I cared for had been taken away from me.

For the first time in years, I smiled at the accursed reflection in the mirror as I knelt down to the pile of hair that had left after Resadora's transformation. She had wanted to teach me a lesson, but apparently, she hadn't realized that while I indeed longed for my lost beauty, the one and only true thing that I missed more than everything was my power. Power was what would help me change my life and that of so many others. Once I had power, I was going to retrieve my beauty and even the years that I lost on Thanos. I was going to have what I deserved. I was going to have it all.

And the Mage's biggest mistake? No, it wasn't that she had trusted me. I cherished our friendship, but that changed nothing. I wasn't going to allow our friendship to destroy all of my chances of getting a happy ending one day. She was wrong. Our visions were completely different.

I carefully gathered all her lost hair, smiling the entire time. Resadora's biggest mistake was that she had left a witch with a broom in her hands.

Some time passed since the day the Mage ''sacrificed'' her beauty for my reassurance. The setting was quite familiar. I was in her magic room, with her staff on the table in front of me, brewing a new potion. That day, I had been to the capital to gather more intelligence. I had tried to apply some "makeup", but I ended up covering my face again. I didn't get how old people did this. No one was going to recognize me anyway, but I couldn't bear the humiliation of being seen like that. Not yet. After 20 years, there was hardly anyone who would recognize the once guardian, Nerissa, in me, even if they ran into me on the street. Most of those who had known me had died. To the rest, I was just a distant, pale memory.

A few months may not be a significant amount of time for Meridian, but a lot of events had unfolded during that particular summer. The rumor that Queen Weira is unable to conceive was more and more commented, and had by that point become more of a fact than a rumor. I felt sorry for her. I used to like her ruling once upon a time.

The fact of her inability to conceive, aroused the rebellious spirit and the fears of the people, who were terrified of the maturing idea that one day they won't have a proper Queen to lead and protect them. And for a man to sit on the throne was just a nightmare scenario. Everyone remembered what had happened the last time Meridian had had a functioning king, and Weira's only descendant, who happened to be a boy, disturbingly resembled that past ruler. Galhots and Escanors dreaded the possibility of him being left to rule over them. I could understand that. Men were naturally born poor leaders, history was witness. That of Kandrakar included. Of course, my opinion on that was going to change soon, yet at this stage, I didn't even suspect that such a thing could happen to me.

That day, I had overheard another, even more disturbing rumor. Apparently, the little prince was slowly, but surely, getting out of control. He disobeyed his teachers and his care takers; he even disobeyed the Queen herself. His magic powers were strange and apparently dangerous, and provoked anxiety in many. At that point I had only caught sight of the brat from afar on a few occasions. My opinion of Phobos Escanor was yet to be formed...

But back to my potion. The potion which would help me start from somewhere. I knew I was starting from scratch, but I had learnt patience like no one else. Trust a cold mountain cell to teach one endurance and equanimity. One day, all of my sufferings would pay off. I vowed to that in my mind.

I added the last ingredient which I had needed, before stirring the potion one last time. A strand of the Mage's hair...That naïve fool had supplied me with what I needed without even knowing it. Everything was going to turn out perfect. I was about to complete my potion and start using it behind her back. With all the time she was away, Resadora was never to realize what I was doing. Everything would've been under control...if only that very day, she hadn't decided to surprise me again. A surprise which ended fatally:

"I've never felt more betrayed. How could you? How could you do this to me again?"

I jumped in my place, startled like never before. When I turned around, our faces were almost touching. Her eyes were burning:

"How."- she started. "COULD you do this again? Why?! Why do you keep undermining all that we've achieved."

"Y-you. What are you doing back so soon."- I stammered like a school girl. I didn't know how to deal with this situation. I had been sure that she's going on a night meditation, far away from our home. "You said you'd come back tomorrow, I don't understand, you invited me with yourself- "

"Yes, I did."- the Mage narrowed her eyes. "It was a test which you failed. When you preferred to stay here alone, I was certain. I was certain that you're to try something forbidden again. By the light of Meridian, how I prayed to be mistaken."

I waited for the big explosion, but it never came. She just stood there and watched me as I took a careful step back. What was going on in her head?

"So, now what. You're doing your potion again."- it was more of an observation than a question. "And what were you planning to do with it? You never told me. Do it now."

I blinked at her.

"You don't know what this potion does?"

The Mage shrugged and crossed her arms on her chest. The way she was looking at me...it was a strange mix between disappointment, resentment and awe. I was sure that deep inside she was proud of my progress as a magical user.

"I do recognize it. It supplies one with some additional life force, enough for minor magic activities like the casting of weaker spells and glamours. The last ingredient which you needed was some magical source which you can drain from. What of mine did you use? Spit? A nail? Skip it...I fail to see how is that of any help to you."

Your hair, you witch, I used your hair.

I was sincerely getting annoyed at this point. The way she spoke...as if she was likening me to some sort of parasite...I was only forced to resort to this because she had decided not to help me.

"I don't know whether you've noticed it or not, but throughout the years, my condition has been worsening."- I stated in a gruff voice. "Every next year visibly ages me with five. That may not seem like a problem to you, but I'm not planning on looking like an exhumated corpse for the rest of my life."

Resadora snorted:

"That is only happening, because you've lastingly affected your body by using enormous amounts of magical energy without being hooked to your Aurameere or the Heart of Kandrakar! Even in the years you spent here you didn't stop! You constantly resort to magic. You know full well that drains your life force! You should be thankful that it only affects your appearance and not your body on the inside-"

"I'm terribly sorry that I had to drain my own life force in order to survive imprisonment in an ice grave!"- I interrupted her angrily, tightening my fist. "Perhaps you think that my appearance is not so important. Perhaps you believe it's a suitable punishment for me to exists in a young organism, but appear in the outer shell of an old witch!"

"Nerissa, calm yourself down! I know all that, and even if so, I'm sorry, but you do realize that this potion will never permanently restore anything for you, don't you?! You may regain a part of your beloved appearance as long you keep drinking it, but what of it? Only a..."

She stopped herself there. She had most probably read it in my eyes. No matter how hard I tried to hide it, she saw it and she instantly knew. I knew.

"You..."- it was Resadora's turn to take a step back. "You want to seize a Heart...you want to recruit the five elements and use the power of the nymph to turn time back. You're out of your mind..."

"Yes."- I confirmed darkly. There was no point in playing hide and seek anymore. We could both understand the circumstances quite well. "Only a Heart can give me back what I can't live without. My power. My beauty. Call me shallow if you'd like, Reasse, but I know what my heart longs. The fate which I had was no justice...Cassidy's death was an accident, but I take responsibility for that. I'll turn back the clock for her too! She'll live again once I complete what I plan. Until then, I'll keep using this potion to be able to glamour. Glamouring is of major importance for my vision to be complete. Don't you see, dear friend? I've finally done it. I've seen the bigger picture!"

The Mage just stood there, like frozen, watching me in a state of utter shock. Perhaps I looked maniacal as I said all that. Perhaps I looked like a crazy person, but I wasn't going to relent. I think that was what she realized and what truly staggered her. I would never relent.

"Your bigger picture is truly horrifying. You'll never manage to achieve-"- she spoke as if in hiccups. "- everything which you want. You're going to hurt many people on your way. What you picture, Nerissa, is LUDICROUS!"

"Maybe."- I shrugged. "But maybe I will succeed, dear. Only time will tell. Who's right and who's wrong."

"It's your corrupted soul speaking, not you."- Resadora shook her head. "What makes you think that I'll allow you to start this journey of misery, lies and pain? No real friend would do that. And I'm still your friend."

I estimated her with a look. She at least appeared to be sincere. But I only smirked. As I said before, I cherished and valued this friendship. It had been a special one. But I wasn't to be put in a cage like a singing bird of some sort.

"Well, if you want to stop me, you'll have to kill me, dear. Go ahead. I better be dead. Because you'll never face the Council of Kandrakar, and we both know it."

She graciously raised a brow:

"You believe that I fear them? That I fear Himerish?"

I could feel the bitterness on the tip of my tongue as I retorted to that:

"You should, Reasse. You really should."

Silence. None of us said anything for a while.

"And you? You don't fear me. You're ready to die?"

"Yes. I fear no one. Not you, not even death."- I sneered. "Because you know what? After serving Kandrakar, I've come to realize that there's no place terrifying like that fortress of lies. We both know."- I paused. "We both know there's much hidden under the surface. That's why you never joined them. The Council. Himerish's Council... That's why you chose to reach to me."

Had I known that would be the last time I'll get to speak to my old friend, I would've done a better deliverance than that final one. But I couldn't have known...I had no idea that she'll jump right after she said her next words. It had never been my intention for what followed to happen. That dark day will forever be sealed in my memories and present in the nightmares...

"But I do fear something, Nerissa. I fear you."

She pushed me off the way, reaching for the potion. It had all happened so fast...

No, this time I wasn't going to let her destroy it. I caught her by the ankle and pulled her to the ground. Again, a stupid thing to do when fighting a powerful sorceress like the Mage, but I was lucky. She? Not as lucky. She didn't use her magic against me. She was a real friend till the very end, and I believed that I had been too. After all, I would never think of hurting her- the only one who had remembered me after my sentence. I never wished Resadora any ill, even when we fought. Even when I thought that she's not on my side anymore...

Even when I betrayed her.

But when I pulled her to the floor, the Mage had the misfortune to pull the caldron with the potion down with herself. It fell and its contents splashed all over us.

Fury was the first thing that I felt. Brewing this potion was a hard task. She was flopping it for the second darn time! But when I stood up and she remained lying on the floor, the fury left me:

"Resadora? You can stand up now, you've successfully diminished all my work and...Resadora? Resadora what's wrong?!"

Horrified, I realized that she was shrinking. She was melting ... No, her face was getting covered in these huge red bumps. I bent down to her body and shook her. The changes were happening one after the other, so quickly, and she was in agony the whole time. My mind couldn't bear what was happening. Had the potion caused this? But how, my potion was perfectly prepared! What was more, it was all over me too. Why wasn't I suffering like Reasse? I was preparing to drink it, for God's sakes... How could my life force boosting potion do this to my friend?!

"My outer shell...I took the protection down with it. I'm vulnerable... I told you. That's why...I had you pick ingrediants for me..."- she managed to wheeze and even smile weakly. "I'm fading fast, Nerissa..."

"No! This isn't happening! You can't die!"- I hastily grabbed the jag of water from the table. I had to wash the potion off of her face.

How could this happen... She had always been allergic to many herbs and plants, even back when she had her protective youthful shell. How had I allowed this? I knew... I had known that her race is intolerant to so much flora species. The mixture of ingredients in my potion was now painfully killing her. I cursed myself. My potion was a death cocktail for the Mage...

"It's no use, Nerissa."- she wheezed again as she withered. Trying to wash off the deadly plants was useless- they were already soaked in her skin. Shaking, I started looking for an antidote of some sort. Something, something around this potion room had to help!

"Quintessence!"

The phials, jars and boxes started floating around us. I ignored the pain that using my powers caused me and looked frantically. Nothing. Nothing useful! How was this possible! They were all useless!

"Nothing... nothing can undo this. It wasn't your fault."- realizing that these were probably her last breaths of air, my heart just broke.

I couldn't take this. Not again. A second accident. A second friend...No! Why was this happening to me?! The Mage wasn't a mortal being, how had I even managed to push her to her death...

"I don't blame you, Nerissa. Rethink...everything... rethink your plans."- she opened her mouth one last time. " I don't want for you to waste your last chances..."

"No...I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry..."- I cried helplessly, watching her exhale for the final time. Just like Cassidy. Just another person dear to my heart whose demise I had caused. My tears kept falling on Resadora's eyelids, but they never flickered again. "I d-didn't...I didn't intend for this to h-happen... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..."

At that moment I was talking to myself. Crying to myself. The Mage had long passed away in my arms. Her pangs were over. So was her life. Mine? Well...

Silently, I took her body to her room and laid her to rest there while I figured what to do next. I had no idea how much time has passed ever since my friend closed her eyes forever. It was all a blur by this point. I was truly remorseful for what had just happened. But who would believe me? Did I really deserve to be believed and forgiven? I know I wouldn't forgive myself and that was enough.

I took a look at my loathsome reflection in the mirror and wiped the tears away. Then I crushed it with my fist, breaking it into thousands of little pieces. This place was a mess already, anyway. All that I knew was that I couldn't look at the hag in the mirror anymore. She was responsible for this. She was responsible for all the misfortunes that followed me. She. My own reflection...

Making amends with my younger self was going to be easier. Yes... I needed to see the real me in order to gain enough strength to continue going. Otherwise I would just die.

Setting the long silvery hair, which was soon going to be jet black again, aside, I rolled up my sleeves. I had come up with a to do list. I needed to brew the accursed potion for the third time. I needed to bury the Mage. I had to become the Mage now, after she had found her doom, because of me. It was only fair. To her and to Meridian. And for me?

I knew I deserved to suffer long before I could even dream of finding my righteousness. It would be like that. I would wait. I would suffer. I would go through hell and endure pain like no one should, but I wouldn't stop. Not for the damn world. One day, I was going to be happy again.

I vowed to that and tragically reached to get another lock of my dead friend's hair.

There you have it. The untold story of the Mage's death in the dawn of the rebellion. ;) Feel free to leave a review. See u next time!

~ jimelization~