Necessary Evil

"I'm getting pretty sick of being cooped up in this dump," announced the Joker to his fellow inmates of Arkham Asylum gathered in the Rec Room. "This whole quarantine lockdown better not go on much longer."

"Even if it were lifted tomorrow, we wouldn't be able to leave here," snapped Jonathan Crane. "In case you haven't noticed, we're meant to be locked in here for life."

"Yeah, but when has any of us ever obeyed that stupid rule?" asked Joker, shrugging. "Anyway, I don't mind being here by choice, but I can't break out right now because of this stupid virus that Batman hasn't got a handle on yet. Why do we keep him around, for God's sake? Isn't this the kinda thing he's meant to be good at dealing with?"

"I just wanna know who created this virus in the first place," voiced Poison Ivy. "I mean, it sounds like my kinda thing – confining humanity to their homes and giving our poor, bleeding earth space to breathe and heal. But it's not me, so I wanna know who's copying me."

"Rumor is it's some guy called Ra's al Ghul," said Two-Face. "I think you two would get along. He also wants to save the planet by murdering a huge section of humanity."

"I hear the virus was started by bats," spoke up Jervis Tetch. "So I suspect it was Batman who started this in the first place, and that's why he can't control it. He doesn't want to control it."

"So you think Batsy finally snapped and started trying to murder random, innocent citizens, huh?" asked Joker. "That'd be a shame if it were true – I was always hoping I'd be the one to make him snap. Although for all I know, I was. Maybe he was inspired by me and my Joker toxin attacks."

"More like my fear gas attacks," retorted Jonathan Crane. "Anyway, I don't think Batman's behind this. He's just useless at stopping this, because he's always been useless at stopping us. He's reactive rather than proactive – he waits for us to do something and then shows up to stop us, rather than taking any initiative himself. I don't know if it's laziness or just stupidity, or more likely, fear of action. To stop us, he'd have to kill us, and he's afraid of crossing that line. He knows he's too weak to control himself once he does."

"Yeah, he's built death up in his head to be this big thing to be afraid of," agreed Joker. "Instead of something that comes to all of us in time. I mean, maybe not me, because I'm kinda immortal, but definitely for the rest of you idiots."

"You're delusional, but not immortal," snorted Ivy.

"I'm immortal," repeated Joker. "Death comes to nameless, second-rate characters, but never permanently to people like me."

"All right, so go out there and get the virus!" snapped Ivy.

"I'm not going to do that, because I don't want to be sick," retorted Joker. "Well, sicker than I am already, which is a lot, ask Harley."

"Ask Harley what?" asked Harley Quinn, skipping into the room.

"How sick I am," replied Joker, grinning at her.

"Oooh, very, very sick," cooed Harley, skipping over to his lap and kissing him. "Sick and dirty and naughty…"

"Harley, please, not here where we can't escape it," interrupted Ivy. "Some of us don't want to lose our lunch."

"Speaking of lunch, how much longer do you think the food is going to hold out?" asked Crane.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Two-Face. "The economy hasn't just come screeching to a halt – people are still growing food!"

"But for how long?" asked Crane. "And how long before they stop delivering it to us, seeing us as an unnecessary expense they can cut in an ever shrinking economy? How long before we have to ration what we have, until we run out?"

"And then resort to cannibalism," spoke up Joker. "It'd be a waste to eat me, of course, being all skin and bones, but we're gonna have to eat someone. It's a shame people with more meat on their bones aren't in here right now, like Penguin or Humpty Dumpty."

"We might have to draw lots, like they do at sea," said Crane. "And whoever gets the short straw is the one the others eat until the food runs out again, and they have to repeat the process."

"Can we not talk about death in the midst of a pandemic?" asked Tetch. "It's so depressing. In times like these, we need escapism, not brutal doses of reality."

"It's always better to be prepared for all the horrors of reality than to lose oneself in a fantasy world," retorted Crane.

"You know, for once I agree with Tetch," said Two-Face. "And Joker. Let's just cheer up and try to be optimistic, for Christ's sake. There's nothing worse than being stuck in a small space with a pessimist, and there's no reason why fate couldn't be kind to us. It's fifty fifty, after all, and those are pretty good odds. For all we know, Batman will have this virus under control soon, or he'll get one of his freak friends to handle it. There's no reason to imagine the worst case scenarios yet."

"Sometimes it's fun to do that though," said Joker. "I sometimes imagine what life would be like if I finally killed Batsy."

"It'd be heaven," sighed Harley. "Mr. J and me could move outta this dump of a city and into a nice little house in the suburbs, with a white picket fence, and start our own family of little Jokers."

"Harley, the 1950s called, they want their oppression back," retorted Ivy.

"It's not oppression!" snapped Harley. "It's been a dream of mine ever since I met Mr. J! That's not to say we'd give up the crime gig - we'd have to do something to occupy ourselves in the evenings, and it can't be sex all the time, although a girl can dream. But during the daytime it'd be me and Mr. J and our perfect clown family, causing mayhem and chaos with no one to stop us! Everything both of us has always wanted!"

"Like I Love Lucy, only terrifying," said Two-Face.

"It might be a good gag," said Joker, thoughtfully. "I mean, if Batsy ever did die, and I know we all hope he doesn't, but if he did, crime would have no punchline. I'd still do it, of course, because like Harley says, you don't wanna get bored, but I'd need something else to occupy my time. In the absence of doing battle with some overgrown child in a cape, I suppose regular children could be just as entertaining to do battle with."

"Really, Mr. J?" squeaked Harley. "You'd really consider it if Batsy died?"

"Well, Batsy ain't gonna die, so it doesn't matter," said Joker.

"What if this virus kills him?" asked Ivy.

"It won't," said Joker. "He's immortal like me. Gotta keep printing that green for DC, right? And he's basically the only one of those superfreaks who makes 'em any money, because he's the best. When they hit a few flops in a row, the answer is always to reboot the Bat, because he always sells. Until they screw him up too, just like they've screwed up everyone else, including me, but I guess you can't argue with a billion dollar box office, or the Academy, huh?"

"I still can't believe they gave a movie with your name on it an Oscar," muttered Ivy. "People are nuts."

"I think you're just sore that female emancipation movie you pitched laid a giant egg at the box office," retorted Joker. "But it serves you right for dragging Harley's good name through the mud like that…"

"I was trying to save her good name by emancipating her and making her something else besides your pathetic, abused sidekick!" snapped Ivy.

"Well, that's what she is," retorted Joker. "And people love her for that, so you shouldn't try to change her. I know I never do."

"That's because she's stuck as a slave to you as she is!" snapped Ivy. "Of course you love it!"

"It's my choice, Red, for the last time!" snapped Harley. "Anyway, getting back to Batman dying, if I could accomplish that, you'd really be up for moving to the suburbs and having kids, puddin'?"

"Woah, woah, woah, hold your horses, kiddo!" retorted Joker. "First of all, Batman ain't dying – like I said, he's immortal. Second of all, if anybody but me kills him, all bets are off. If that happened, I'd spend the rest of my life making the life of his murderer a living hell. So it'd better not be you, if you know what's good for you."

"Oooh, I kinda like the sound of that, puddin'!" giggled Harley.

"I'm sorry, J, I just can't imagine you settling down if you managed to kill Batman," said Two-Face. "I just don't think that's you."

"Well, I know him better than you, and it is," retorted Harley. "Ain't it, puddin'?"

"It would be quite the joke," agreed Joker, as he began to imagine what his life would be like. "Quite the joke..."