Disclaimer: I don't own SGA or the characters. This is written purely for fun.

A/N: This is set at some point after Tracker. I had no intention of writing a new story, but then yesterday Vana1970 wrote the magic two words: 'Sheppard whump' and they set the plot bunnies off.

"Wait, Sheppard is fighting him?" Jennifer asked eyes wide as she was the scantily dressed, pure muscle, giant of a man towering over the villagers.

"Yes." Lorne confirmed. Trying not to wince as he spoke.

"But he doesn't have a chance." Jennifer pointed out looking at the opponent who was nearly seven foot and didn't look like he had an ounce of fat on his entire body.

"He can hear you." John pointed out. "And he does no appreciate your lack of confidence."

"She has a point though." Ronon said. "You're not winning this one."

"Thanks Chewie." John said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"You can't fight him, he'll kill you." Jennifer pressed.

"It's not actually a fight to the death." Lorne said.

"It only takes one punch to kill." Jennifer pointed out.

"Fortunately I have an excellent doctor ready to patch me up." John smiled.

"Not this time. I refuse to do anything that will encourage this stupidity." Jennifer said walking off.

"I'll get her." Lorne said hurrying after her.

"Well if anyone wants to give me some words of encouragement, now would be a good time."

"You're screwed." Rodney stated.

"Not exactly encouraging." John said. "Especially as I am in this mess because of you."

"It's not my fault they didn't clearly state their no touch policy." Rodney shrugged.

"I can try to restart talks with the chieftain." Teyla offered.

"None of you think I win this?" John asked looking round his and Lorne's team. All of whom avoided eye contact apart from Ronon who said.

"Best chance is to go down early and hope he doesn't finish the job."

"Do you actually have a plan?" Teyla asked.

"Of course I do." He said. Seeing the looks of disbelief he went on. "I really do. He may be big and look like he would be an ideal bad guy in a Bond film, but if he is that big he'll be slow. I'll dodge, run him round a bit, wait till he gets tired and then go in for the kill."

"That's not going to work." Ronon said.

"I fear he is right." Teyla agreed.

"Why?" John asked.

"The man you are fighting in their champion." Teyla said.

"I know." John pointed out.

"To become champion you have to have to win several challenges that test speed, agility, intelligence and strength. He is reported to be very fast."

"Well you know what they say about plans." John said looking worried. "They are the first thing to go when you march into battle."

"So you are back to hope and pray?" Rodney asked.

"Hasn't failed me so far." John said as a gong sounded.

"The challengers may step forward." The chieftain called from the middle of the scared circle.

"Hey Sheppard." Rodney called.

"Yes." John said looking back, thinking he was going to get some words of encouragement.

"When the inevitable happens can I have your R/C cars?"

In response John glared at him before walking towards the circle only to be stopped again by Jennifer breathlessly shouting. "Wait."

Turning he saw Jennifer and Lorne jog back to towards him and the others. As Lorne joined the others Jennifer approached John.

"She can't stop this." Teyla said as Lorne reached them.

"She knows." Lorne said as Rodney suddenly exclaimed.

"What is she doing?"

"It looks like she is kissing him." Teyla said as surprised as everyone else.

"I can see that. Why is she kissing him?" Rodney asked.

"Good luck kiss." Lorne said. "So who is putting their money on Sheppard?"

"I'll put one hundred on the iron hulk." Rodney said still disbelieving that Jennifer had kissed John.

"Two hundred on their champion." Ronon agreed.

As the others placed their bets, all for large sums of money on the other man Jennifer finally joined them and Lorne said. "What about it doc?"

"Five hundred on Sheppard."

"As in dollars?" Rodney asked.

"Yes." Jennifer confirmed.

"Did you hit your head when you ran off?" Rodney asked as another gong sounded and the fight started.

Within ten seconds John was sliding across the ground having been hit. "Can I change my bet and increase it to five hundred on He-Man?" One of Lorne's men said.

"Sure." Lorne said. "Twenty more seconds until I close the book." He said as everyone apart from Jennifer increased the money they had on the opponent.

After twenty seconds Lorne said. "That's it." And stopped taking bets.

"You should have put your money in the Colonel surviving a minute, not winning." One of Lorne's team said to Jennifer as John went down again.

Shaking his head John got up and launched him self at his muscular opponent, wrapping his arms round him, but was unable to tackle him to the ground.

Bemused the larger man grabbed hold of John's arms and pealed them off his torso before pushing John back with such force that John fell to the ground.

"Remind me never to get a good luck kiss from the doc." One of Lorne's men said.

"Hey." Jennifer protested.

"What? They seem to have as much luck as you do off world." He countered as John ended up on the floor again.

"The Colonel will win." Jennifer said.

"You so hit your head." Rodney muttered as John once again hit the deck.

"I hate to say it, but things do not look good for him." Teyla said as John tried to dodge more blows.

"He'll win." Jennifer repeated. "He just needs a little more time."

"Time for what?" Rodney asked. "To become perfectly tenderised. Wait a second are they cannibals here?"

"No Rodney." Teyla said just as John's opponent seemed to stumble. Seeing the stumble John started attacking his opponent and every punch he landed seem to make the giant less focused until the muscular hulk of the man went down.

As silence swept round the area John stood bruised and battered until finally Ronon said in disbelief.

"He won."

"Told you." Jennifer smiled.

-00-

"What happened?" Woolsey asked when they returned and saw the beaten John limp through the gate.

"Long story short Rodney touched a sacred stone, which ended up with me having to fight their champion who was a monster. I mean he was a giant and all muscle."

"Not that big." Ronon said. "I could have taken him."

"He was huge." John protested. "Think Terminator crossed with Jaws crossed with the Hulk, crossed with Thor, crossed with He-Man."

"I didn't catch any of that." Woolsey said. "But go one with the story."

"Well I beat him despite all the nay sayers here and now they will trade with us."

"I see." Woolsey said. "But if you won, why do you look like, well you lost?"

"I had to lure him into a false sense of security." John said.

"Well go to the infirmary, I'll let your team do the debrief."

"Thanks." John said as he and Jennifer started walking off.

Noticing Rodney was following them Woolsey asked.

"Where are you going Dr McKay?"

"With them."

"Are you injured?"

"Well no."

"Then why are you going?"

"To protect her."

"Dr Keller? You believe she will be in danger?" Woolsey asked.

"Yes. John will be there topless, doing his thing."

"His thing?" Woolsey asked.

"His Kirk think. Someone should be there."

"Dr Keller is more than capable of looking after herself." Woolsey said.

"And the Colonel." One of Lorne's men sniggered.

"What is that meant to mean?" Woolsey asked.

"First rule of Fight Club is never talk about Fight Club." Lorne said.

-00-

"How are you feeling Sir?" Lorne asked when he saw John sitting in the mess hall by himself.

"A little confused to be honest. Whose plan was it?"

"The sedative?" Lorne guessed. When John nodded Lorne explained. "It was all the doc."

"Hard to imagine her being so sneaky." John said. "But it was a good plan."

"It was. I was amazed she could make it so quickly. Scary to think that plant can have such an extreme effect just through touch."

"I am sure the boys back home will try to weaponise it." John said.

"It may have caused a few problems though." Lorne said.

"Like what?" John asked.

"McKay and Ronon."

"Yeah, what's up with them? Why aren't they happy that I won? They have glared at me all evening. And Ronon is grunting less than normal. Seriously why aren't they happy that I won?"

"That's not what they are unhappy about." Lorne said.

"Then what are they unhappy about?"

"That the doc kissed you."

"Why are they unhappy about that?"

"Because they both have a thing for her." Lorne said wondering how John didn't know.

"As in Rodney and Ronon? They are going after the doc?"

"Yes Sir. And seeing the kiss may have upset them."

"The doc kissed me not the other way round." John protested.

"True, but you do have a bit of a reputation." Lorne said. "And it was still a kiss and now they think you two are together."

"But she kissed me so she could hand me the patch with the sedative without anyone noticing." John protested. "I didn't even know about the plan."

"Yeah, but no one knows that apart from us. As far as everyone else is concerned you won that fight fair and square."

"So I either confess to cheating and lose my street cred or I continue to upset Ronon and Rodney?" John asked.

"Pretty much." Lorne said. "So what will you do?"

"I take it the doc is oblivious to their feelings?" John asked.

"Yes Sir."

"So neither of them have acted on their feelings?"

"Only to come up with some sort of gentlemen's agreement that the best man would win." Lorne said.

"When did they become Jane Austin fans?" John asked shaking his head. "More importantly when did you get clued into all the gossip?"

"That's my job Sir. As your second in command it is important that I keep my ear to the ground."

"I see." John said.

"So what are you going to?"

"I'm not going to tell them that I cheated." John said after a moment. "Let's make them sweat."

"Yes Sir." Lorne smiled.

"Tell me Major, how much money did you make?"

"Money Sir?" Lorne asked.

"On your illegal betting ring."

"It was the doc that cleaned up." Lorne said.

"Perhaps I should talk to her about my cut."

"That's brave. I mean if you did she might point out that you cheated." Lorne said walking off.

-The End

A/N: Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.