So, I did this once before with the Sonic characters and that was really fun. Now I've got more cards and a whole new group of characters I've fallen in love with so this happened.

I don't own the characters or the card game.

Cards Against the Crystal Gems

Amethyst dozed on the couch in a warm patch of sunshine. A knocking on the door brought her to a half-awake state and she heard Pearl answer.

"Oh, hello Onion… Steven's not here right now, he's at the movies with Connie… For me? Um, thank you… Goodbye."

Fully awake and very curious, Amethyst sat up and opened her eyes. Pearl was holding a familiar black box with white lettering and looking faintly confused. "Did Onion just give you a copy of Cards Against Humanity?" Amethyst asked, getting excited. "Oh man, me, Greg, and Vidalia used to play all the time!"

Pearl examined the box. "No, this is Cards Against the Crystal Gems."

"Are you telling me Onion made a custom version of the game just for us!? We HAVE to play it! Oh, but we need more people. Hold on, I'll be right back!" Amethyst bounded onto the warp pad and vanished in a flash of cyan light.

Garnet emerged from the temple and looked at Pearl still standing by the door.

"Garnet, I'm confused."

"We're going to play a game." Garnet explained and took a seat on the couch. Pearl followed, still looking at the box.

Amethyst returned, dragging Peridot and Lapis behind her. "I'm back! Is Garnet playing too? Sweet!"

"A game created for the Crystal Gems?" Peridot smirked. "It's about time people around here started appreciating us. But what are these cards and why are they against us?"

"If it's for the Crystal Gems, shouldn't Steven play?" Lapis questioned.

"No!" Pearl squawked. "It says here on the box that it's a party game for horrible people! Steven's the last person who should be playing this!" Pearl furrowed her brow and thought over what she just said. "Wait a minute… does Onion think we're horrible people?"

"Guys, relax. It's just a fun card game. Come on, let's play it and I'll show you." They gathered around the coffee table and Amethyst began explaining. "Okay Pearl, open the box and deal out the white cards. Everyone gets seven."

Pearl shuffled the cards, but Garnet stopped her before she could deal them out. "Wait a minute."

One minute later, Bismuth came in carrying bags from Home Depot. "I'm back. Hey, what's going on?"

"We're playing a game." Amethyst replied. "Come on, the more, the merrier!"

Bismuth joined the circle and Pearl dealt the white cards.

"Look at what you have but don't let anyone else see. And no future vision, Garnet!"

Garnet gave a thumbs-up of acknowledgement as she looked at her cards.

Pearl furrowed her brows as she studied her cards. "What is this vulgar game?"

Amethyst smirked. "You'll see." She drew the first black card and read it aloud. "It lurks in the night. It hungers for flesh. This summer, no one is safe from _. Now choose one of your white cards to fill in the blank. Remember to replace it with a new one."

Pearl couldn't decide which card to play.

"Sometime this century, Pearl." Amethyst groaned.

Eventually, she chose a card and Amethyst began reading them aloud. "This summer, no one is safe from sunshine and rainbows."

"Wait, those things aren't safe?" Lapis squeaked. "Steven told me rainbows were nice!"

"Don't worry Lapis. Rainbows are just scattered light particles. They can't hurt you." Peridot reassured her.

Amethyst sighed. "That's the joke, guys. Anyway, this summer, no one is safe from homeless people."

"Like the No Home Boys?" Pearl asked.

"Yes, exactly like them." Garnet replied.

"This summer, no one is safe from original character do not steal."

"Nobody is safe from those ever! They don't just come out in the summer!" Peridot started ranting. "They're always lurking in the depths of the fanfiction sites, ready to steal the spotlight from the proper characters and ruin a perfectly good story! And furthermore-"

"No one cares, Peridot." Amethyst cut her off. "Moving on, this summer, no one is safe from humans."

"Why would anyone be afraid of humans?" Bismuth asked. "They're so weak and squishy."

"You haven't seen a jewelry store yet." Pearl replied.

"This summer, no one is safe from that dick, Kevin."

"Who's Kevin?" Lapis asked.

Everyone shrugged in response.

"Um… humans wins." Amethyst decided. "Who played it?"

"I did."

Amethyst handed the black card to Garnet. "Hang on to that because whoever gets the most, wins."

Garnet drew the next card. "_: kid tested, mother-approved."

Everyone handed over a white card.

"Lion: kid tested, mother-approved."

"That's true. Good answer." Peridot commented.

"Free ice cream, yo: kid tested, mother-approved."

"Well, I certainly approve." Amethyst licked her lips.

"Magic space rocks: kid tested, mother-approved."

"That's… pretty accurate too, actually." Pearl mused.

"Giving birth to the Antichrist: kid tested, mother-approved."

"Who approves of that?" Pearl screeched.

"A bloody pacifier: kid tested, mother-approved."

Pearl was even more horrified by this one. "What sort of tests are they performing that results in blood getting on the pacifier? Why do the mothers approve of this?"

"It does raise a lot of concerning questions." Garnet agreed. "I think I prefer the free ice cream."

"Aw yeah!" Bismuth cheered. "That's mine!"

Pearl read the next question. "It's Era 3! A gem shouldn't have to apologize for _."

Peridot angerly shuffled through her cards. "None of these make sense here!"

"You have to pick one anyway, Peri. That's what makes the game so fun." Amethyst grinned in anticipation.

Eventually, she did pick one, and Pearl read the answers.

"A gem shouldn't have to apologize for secretly watching from a distance but not spying because that would make me feel bad."

"That is the exact definition of spying." Peridot spat.

Lapis shifted nervously.

"A gem shouldn't have to apologize for bad fanfiction."

"But you should still always try to be better." Garnet advised.

"A gem shouldn't have to apologize for the amount of gay I am."

Amethyst looked skeptical. "I don't know. That is a lot of gay."

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Pearl asked indignantly as the rest of the group giggled at her. Pearl huffed and decided to keep going. "A gem shouldn't have to apologize for a low standard of living." This didn't get much of a reaction. "A gem shouldn't have to apologize for being the byproduct of a big mistake."

"You're darn right I shouldn't! And I won't!" Amethyst announced proudly.

Pearl nodded in agreement. "Precisely. This is clearly the best answer."

"Mine." Lapis said lazily.

Bismuth read the next question. "To represent their friendship, Lapis and Peridot have created a created a special meep-morp: _."

Peridot gasped. "Why haven't we done that yet?"

"I've got a few ideas for that." Lapis mused.

Bismuth started reading the answers. "My balls on your face."

"We've got a few baseballs, but why would they go on your face?" Lapis asked.

"Perhaps it represents something new coming into your life and becoming a part of you?" Peridot suggested.

Amethyst, meanwhile, was cracking up.

"A micropenis."

Amethyst started cracking up even harder.

"If we're going to build a penis to represent our friendship, it's going to be big! Not micro!" Peridot declared and reached for her tablet. "Now to look up what a penis is…"

"Peridot, no." Pearl said.

Amethyst fell out of her chair laughing. "You guys are killing me!"

"The true meaning of Christmas."

"What's Christmas?" Lapis asked.

"It's a human holiday where people exchange gifts with friends and family." Garnet answered.

"Oh, that's perfect! We should do that!"

Peridot looked proud of herself.

"Horse meat."

"Did you guys kill a horse?" Amethyst asked.

"No!" Shouted Peridot.

"Necrophilia."

"You killed the horse and then had sex with it?" Amethyst gasped.

"No!" Both Lapis and Peridot screamed.

"Well, I'm going with the answer you guys seemed to like the most, and that's the true meaning of Christmas." Bismuth decided.

"Victory is mine!" Peridot cheered and snatched the black card. Then it was her turn to be judge. "This year's hottest album is '_' by _. It seems this one requires two answers."

Everyone carefully selected two cards.

"The unbelievable world of mushrooms by Some shit-hot guitar licks. Poopy diapers by Cute boys. Turning the rivers red with the blood of infidels by Flying attack dolphins. Wow, these dolphins sound scary."

"There's no such thing as flying attack dolphins." Pearl scoffed.

Peridot looked it up. "It says here the military of this country trained dolphins to scout and fight by injecting divers with CO2 gas. Apparently, they are very efficient hunters."

"…They still don't fly!"

"Maybe not yet, but technology is always moving forward." Peridot went on. "Clearly asking for no cucumbers in my salad, and yet here we are by A team of lawyers. It's true, zircons hate cucumbers."

"Isn't that a bit of an overreaction, taking it into court?" Pearl asked.

"Well, they clearly said no cucumbers, so there shouldn't be any cucumbers." Bismuth replied.

"Using future vision to cheat on gameshows by that asshole, Marty."

"If he did have future vision, that's probably what he would use it for." Amethyst mused.

"Obviously, clearly asking for no cucumbers in my salad and a team of lawyers is the superior answer pair."

Garnet grinned and took the card.

Lapis drew a new black card. "Don't forget! Beginning this week, Casual Friday will officially become '_ Friday.'"

Everyone gave Lapis a white card.

"Taking your shirt off Friday."

"Hey, isn't today Friday?" Without waiting for an answer, Amethyst removed her shirt and threw it at Pearl's face.

"Amethyst!"

"Eating together like a god damn family for once Friday."

"Why don't we eat together more often?" Amethyst asked.

"Because I'm busy, Pearl doesn't like eating, and you devour all the food in less than ten seconds." Garnet explained.

"Adventure! Friday."

"That sounds like fun!" Bismuth said.

"Butt stuff Friday."

"By 'stuff' does it mean… the stuff that comes out of butts?" Pearl asked nervously, shuddering in revulsion.

"Cancer Friday."

"Is it some kind of cancer awareness thing?" Pearl wondered. "I could get behind that."

"I pick eating together like a god damn family for once because remember that time we met Uncle Andy and threw that big dinner party? I wanna do that again sometime."

"Oh, finally!" Amethyst claimed the black card and then was her turn to be judge once again.

Current Score:

Amethyst: 1

Garnet: 2

Pearl: 0

Bismuth: 1

Peridot: 1

Lapis: 1