Cards Against the Crystal Gems
"New at the Big Donut: _ donuts!" Amethyst was excited for the answers for this one.
Everyone tossed over a white card.
"The Devil himself donuts! Boomerang Blade donuts!"
"Sounds like a Lonely Blade themed donut." Garnet commented. "Steven would like that."
"Corn donuts! Mmm, corn donuts. And shit donuts!"
"UGH! That is disgusting!"
"Watching a hot person eat donuts! See Pearl, they made one just for you!"
Pearl rolled her eyes.
"Anyway, corn donuts win!"
Pearl stopped rolling her eyes. "Oh, that's mine."
"And all this time, I thought you had no taste."
Garnet picked up the next card. "We never did find _, but along the way we sure learned a lot about _."
Peridot snickered as she put down her cards.
"We never did find the Holy Bible, but along the way we sure learned a lot about words, words, words."
"It's always good to expand your vocabulary." Pearl chirped.
"We never did find Lapis not caring, but along the way we sure learned a lot about the mysterious fog rolling into town."
"Lapis is right there." Peridot pointed at her.
"And we live on a beach. The fog isn't that mysterious." Pearl pointed out.
"We never did find Connie, but along the way we sure learned a lot about genuine human connection."
"Connie's not missing, she's out with Steven!" Pearl grumbled.
"We never did find my collection of high-tech sex toys, but along the way we sure learned a lot about the end of all life on Earth."
Bismuth gave a low whistle. "That escalated quickly."
"We never did find the pearl inside Pearl's pearl, but along the way we sure learned a lot about Pearl freaking out."
Amethyst snorted. "We already know plenty."
"Pearl inside Pearl's pearl." Garnet announced.
"I knew it!" Peridot snatched the card.
Pearl picked the next one. "CNN breaking news! Scientists discover _."
They all handed over a card, Amethyst grinning wickedly as she did.
"Scientists discover a terrified fat child who won't come out of the bushes."
"Huh. I wonder why." Bismuth said.
"Scientists discover robots who just want to party."
"Why would anyone design a robot like that?" Peridot asked. "That sounds like a waste of time and resources."
"To have fun. Duh." Amethyst answered.
"Scientists discover moon people."
"There's no people up there, but how have they not discovered the observation tower?"
"Scientists discover these breasts of mine."
"They must have used a microscope to do it!" Amethyst laughed.
Pearl shot her a look. "Scientists discover my huge penis and substantial fortune."
"Okay, even with a microscope they still wouldn't able to find that!"
Pearl rolled her eyes. "The robots."
"Mine." Said Lapis.
Bismuth read the next one. "What's about to take this dance floor to the next level?"
Everyone picked an answer.
"Leveling up."
"Can't argue with that." Amethyst remarked.
"A mime having a stroke."
"I don't think that makes things better." Lapis commented.
"Whispering all sexy. Surprise sex!"
"I wonder what that's like." Garnet mused.
"Stevonnie. Yeah, that's a winner."
"I win!" Pearl sang.
Peridot grabbed the next card to read. "What does Yellow Diamond use to conquer new worlds?"
The gems each picked an answer.
"Child labor. Children are small, weak, fragile, and easily distracted. Why would anyone use them for labor? Wait, I asked Steven to help me with my latest project. Am I using child labor?" Peridot questioned, then went on. "Whooping your ass at Mario Kart."
"Challenge accepted." Said Amethyst.
"Guns. Yes, that sounds like her. Meatloaf, the food."
"Is meatloaf anything else?" Lapis asked.
"Dave Guy."
"Steven's little toys? How can anyone conquer the world with those?" Bismuth asked.
"Well, Onion once…" Garnet trailed off while Pearl nervously glanced around the room. "Let's not talk about that."
"Guns is obviously the most sensible answer."
Bismuth got another card.
Lapis took her turn. "With a one-time gift of just $10, you can save this child from _."
Everyone picked a white card.
"You can save this child from getting blasted in the face by a t-shirt cannon."
"That would be hilarious though!" Amethyst protested.
"You can save this child from a murder most foul."
"Why does that sound like a passive-aggressive threat?" Bismuth asked.
"You can save this child from eternal screaming madness."
Pearl squeaked in horror. She couldn't help but think of Steven every time a child was mentioned.
"You can save this child from owing a lot of money to some very bad people."
"That's definitely a passive-aggressive threat." Garnet stated.
"You can save this child from it being too late to stop having sex with a horse."
"These threats are getting weird." Amethyst muttered.
Lapis considered her options. "Eternal screaming madness."
"You know it!" Amethyst took the card.
Current Score
Amethyst: 16
Garnet: 13
Pearl: 12
Bismuth: 14
Peridot: 11
Lapis: 12