A Rather Silly Holy Grail War

Review Answer time!

SentinalSlice: Yes, Hunger is the greatest enemy!

Dia Grail: Glad You like it!

Trsmuted: I'm not sure it's really that good.

Ei-Beta: Really?

Blue Core: Yes, they did!

Daemon-Scribe: mery true!

Those that review, please continue to support me by reviewing! And others, feel free to review!

III: I'll Never Forgive the Japanese!

DAY ONE of the Holy Grail War

Streets…

Assassin walked down the streets of Fuyuki in search of ropes. Ropes to tie himself up and hanged down from the ceiling, because he read that hanging is a great way to commit suicide, though he tried that a million times before. This time should be the charm. Coming out from a store after having purchased a 50 meter rope, Assassin walked when he saw a pair of master and servant out in the broad daylight.

Assassin smiled. It seems like Luck is on his side, granted he failed to die after jumping off the Church roof top and instead caused himself immense pain, but this could be a golden opportunity granted to him by faith. Assassin approached the duo…

"Master, just how can you sleep in this dump for the past few days? I demand that we go to a hotel or something!"

"Shut up. I don't have the money to rent a room in a hotel, and I also forget my house keys and the landlord wouldn't recognize me in this state. This dump is the best place for sleeping at the moment. So stop asking me every day!"

"Tch. You always say that. Did I mention how I hate the Japanese? This is one of the reasons why!"

Assassin listens in to the conversation between Berserker and his master, Kariya Matou, concerning their present living condition. It sounds as if Berserker is very dissatisfied with the living conditions, which would make recruiting him into the alliance he plans easier. Assassin walked toward the two and said, "Hello!"

The pair becomes alerted. Berserker stared at Assassin while Kariya asked him, "Who the heck are you?"

"Oh… I'm just a suicidal detective passing by, or you can know me as an Assassin, as it is my class for the Holy Grail War." Assassin introduces himself to the pair, who become more alert.

"Assassin?" Berserker said, "So, you must be one of the Servants for the Holy Grail War, huh? I never thought that Assassin, which apparently is a whole bunch of sneaky freaks, who reveal himself in front of another person!"

Kariya said to Berserker, "Be careful, JoJo. This got to be some type of trap."

Berserker answered back, "I know."

Assassin just smiled, and Berserker stared at his facial expression. The only thing Assassin is doing is smiling, but his eyes are kind of empty and cold, and Assassin is difficult to read. 'Damn it, I can't read this guy at all!' Berserker thought. Berserker said to Assassin, "So, what do you want?"

"I am here to propose an alliance," Assassin said, "After all, me and my master with our other ally ourselves can't win the Holy Grail War, and if you join our alliance, we will provide you proper housing and funds for the duration of the Holy Grail War."

Kariya is somewhat interested in the alliance that Assassin proposes, and Berserker seems really interested- mostly because Assassin promised proper housing, and Berserker can't stand living in the dump. "And there is no catch?" Berserker said.

"Nope!" Assassin happily states.

"I would love to join your alliance… but," Berserker said, carrying out something he is hiding behind his back, "I don't work with those who can't do their own dirty jobs for themselves!"

The thing he is holding on his hand is… a Tommy Gun. Kariya, shocked by the sudden appearance of the gun, asked Berserker, "Is this your Noble Phantasm?"

"Nah, I got it from an arms dealer."

"Wait, so are you telling me the money I give you to buy our dinner that you 'lost' is used for buying the Tommy gun?"

"No, I only use 50 percent of it for the gun. I manage to haggle the price down to that much, and the other 50 percent I used for buying Cola for myself."

Assassin, though he was smiling, is panicking internally right now. He did not expect Berserker to use a modern firearm that is not a part of his Noble Phantasm, which puts him at a disadvantage. His Noble Phantasm. No Longer Human, negates other servant's Noble Phantasms and magic-related stuff, and since the gun is purchased, it is absolutely useless. He may be suicidal, but he would very much die by his own hands, or die by a beautiful woman's hand in a double suicide. And this leaves him no choice- he have to-

"Berserker, wait." Kariya said, causing Berserker to lower his tommy gun.

"What the hell, Master?" Berserker said as he turned to face his master, "I could easily gun down this servant and make it one less enemy to face!"

"I'm kind of interested in the alliance he proposes," Kariya said as he faced Assassin, "Mind telling me who is that other master and servant that is part of the Alliance?"

"Well, it is me and my master, Kirei Kotomine, and Archer and his master, Tokiomi Tohsaka-" Assassin begins to describe the details of the Alliance for Kariya, but Kariya suddenly get angry upon hearing Tokiomi Tohsaka.

"There's no way in hell that I will be willing to work with that man!" Kariya shouted, causing Assassin to flinch. Oh well, looks like luck isn't on his side, after all. He might as well throw away the rope he had on him since he won't have much luck suiciding.

"So, what now?" Berserker asked Kariya, "what do we do with him?"

"Isn't it obviously?" Kariya said, "If he works with that man, then you can gun him down."

Berserker smiled as he faced Assassin, who started to sweat heavily while trying to keep the weak smile on his face alive. "Ya, you will feel my rage against the Japanese, which I keep bottling up inside me this whole time! You wouldn't happen to be one, are you?" Berserker said while loading his gun and taking aim at Assassin.

"Uh… I'm Japanese-"

"DIE!"

Berserker started to fire his tommy gun at Assassin, who ran away from him. Berserker didn't follow him out the alley, because if he did then he could risk him and his master being arrested for carrying firearms. Though, this does give Assassin a good scare.

"Honestly, I never liked him. I can't read him and that bastard could be trying to mess with me, plus he's Japanese." Berserker said as he threw away the Tommy gun and faced his master.

"Well, I'm just disappointed that we didn't killed him and foiled Tohsaka's plan," Kariya commented as he lay on the mattress they found in the dumps, "That would be nice."

"Hey master?"

"What, JoJo?"

"Do you happen to have some spare change? I would want a cola right now."

"Fuck off."

Einzbern Mansion…

Saber walked alongside Kiritsugu and Irisviel, who was comforting their daughter, Illyasviel Von Einzbern, because they were about to leave the Holy Grail War. Saber remembers her all too well, but since she is harmless because she is only 8 years old and does not have a transforming Berserker by her side, Saber thought she shouldn't attack her. After all, she isn't gonna grow up being that bratty little kid who tells Berserker to do her errands, would she?

"Illya, don't cry!" Irisviel said calmly, trying to confront her daughter.

"But mommy-" Illya said as she cried and sobbed, holding onto Irisviel.

"Don't worry, lady Illya," Saber cut in, "After all, the Holy Grail War is probably gonna be something ridiculous, like a game show and a racing match. There is no need to worry about casualties less it's Lancer. Lancer is always fated to die anyways."

Kiritsugu becomes confused. What does she mean by the Holy Grail War being some ridiculous game show? Have the Grail exposed her to too much information about the Modern World that she becomes confused about?

Meanwhile, Irisviel is wondering how Saber said that Lancer will always die with such a straight face, and how she thinks that Lancer would always die. Has she retained memories of previous Holy Grail Wars and Lancer happens to be the one that always dies? Irisviel didn't know.

"Really?" Illya asked.

"Yes, really. Once Lancer died in the Holy Grail War because he isn't human." Saber said.

"Will you promise me that you will keep mommy and daddy safe?" Illya asked.

"Will you promise not to hurt your brother with a big giant hulking Berserker that can conveniently transform into a car and is best friends with Lancer?" Saber asked Illya.

Irisviel sweatdropped. She doesn't know what Saber meant by what she said, but she is very sure that Saber probably hit her head somewhere, or her brain is functioning properly. She doesn't want to think about these things about a Servant, but Saber doesn't act like king Arthur, at all.

"Uh… okay?" Illya answered back, clearly confused as to what Saber meant by what she said.

"Then I will protect Irisviel and Kiritsugu." Saber said.

The three then left for Fuyuki City, with Illya wondering what does Saber meant by not trying to kill her brother with Berserker. Oh well, it's highly unlikely she would be a master for a Holy Grail War alongside her brother, right?

McKenzie Residence…

"Rider?"

Waver looked at his servant, who was sitting on the sofa watching TV while eating sweats and drinking strawberry milk. Rider turned to face Waver, and with his dead fish eyes locked on Waver, Rider asked, "What?"

"Uh… Rider, shouldn't we be preparing to fight in the Holy Grail War? After all, all the servants have been summoned," Waver said.

Rider shrugged him off. Rider got up and got himself another carton of strawberry milk. Waver watched as Rider poured himself another glass of strawberry milk, and sighed. "Uh… Rider?" Waver said as Rider sat back down and took out a volume of Shonen Jump, "Are you listening to me, Rider?"

"I hope to be summoned ten years later, in the events of Stay Night," Rider said as he read the manga, "That way there's at least more interesting Manga I can read, like the big three of Shonen Jump."

"Uh… Rider?"

"What is it kid?"

"When are we going to be prepared to fight in the Holy Grail War? I mean, shouldn;t we go around and scout out all the competition?" Waver asked Rider, who was still reading the manga.

"Don't want to. Besides, all the servants more or less will all gather in the evening by the Docks, so why should I go through the trouble of finding the other masters myself?" Rider said as he flipped the page, "Just relax and be a neet."

"Be a neet?" Waver said.

"Yeah, like you should just sit back and relax." Rider said, "Getting all work up for nothing isn't a good thing to do, you know."

"But, Rider, I really thought we should properly prepare ourselves for the Holy Grail War!" Waver exclaimed, but Rider paid him no attention.

"Like I say, we should be relaxing ourselves before the battle at the Docks, and until then, we should just sit back and relax. Getting work up isn't the way to win a war, after all." Rider said as he flipped to the next page, "Yo, get me another glass of Strawberry milk, please."

Waver sighed. Perhaps Rider is right, he should try relaxing and resting before the war actually starts. Waver went and grabbed another glass of strawberry milk for Rider and sat on the sofa, relaxing.

It is better to just stay back and relax, and sleep before a war. Though Waver may be better off if he didn't sleep, because Rider won't be waking him up anytime sooner...

Servant Stats:

Name: Osamu Dazai

Franchise/Series: Bungou Stray Dogs

Class: Assassin Alternate Class: None

Master: Kirei Kotomine

Parameters:

STR: D
END: C
AGI: C
MAN: ?
LUK: A+
NP: ?

Skills:

PRESENCE CONCEALMENT (Rank: E)
Dazai can hide his appearance as a servant from other people, but that's about it.

INDEPENDENT ACTION (Rank:?)
Dazai only requires very little Mana to sustain himself, and he can easily void a contract with a master to find another master if he wishes to.

PUPPET MASTER (Rank:?)
Dazai clearly knows more about something than he lets on, and it is difficult to know what he is thinking, and just how many of the character's actions were going the way he expected.

CLAIRVOYANCE (Rank: A)
Dazai's prediction apparently comes true most of the time, and he can easily react to fast moving objects with ease.

TORTURE TECHNIQUE (Rank: B)
Apparently, Dazai is very effective in torturing people and hurting people back in his Port Mafia days, and he is able to extract info from people.

Noble Phantasm:

NO LONGER HUMAN (Anti-Ability) (Rank: ?)
Dazai can negate any Noble Phantasm, in addition to magecraft and any special abilities by skin contact. He can also temporarily nullify the contact between a master and his servant by touching the master's command seal, though this would only last for several seconds and wouldn't do much except causing a temporary confusion. This also applies for his master, and should he feel, he could null his contract with his master at any time.

Author's Note:

The war is starting, and the long awaited dock battle will come in the chapter after the next. But for now, it is just short chapters with Servant and Master interactions. So, please review?

Next Chapter: Lancer is being Lazy, Saber arrives in Japan, and Caster is watching Zorc and Pals. Chapter Four: Before the Epic Showdown