Author's Note: This fanfiction was inspired by H3ctic's story, "A Sociopath in this 'Wonderful' World!". Absolutely loved that story, so I though I'd finally try writing my own stories. My plan for this story is to cover Kazuma's adventures through the two seasons of the anime, as well as through the movie. I won't be putting in any LN content, so hopefully you don't get spoiled. I can't vouch for the comments, though. This is my first fanfiction ever! I've been reading on this site for a long time, and finally decided to see how you guys would like my writing. Please read and leave me a constructive comment! It would mean so much to me. Hope you guys enjoy this first chapter!

Disclaimer: I don't own KonoSuba or any of its characters.

Season 1, Chapter 1: Welp, Guess I'm Dead Now

Hello, my name is Satou Kazuma, and I'm a tryhard gamer.

What do I mean by that? Well, it means that I take games VERY seriously. You see, everytime a decent game came out, I would play it for days until I experienced everything the game had to offer. Whether it be a bug, glitch, or Easter egg, I was almost always the first one to find it. I'd often pull overnighters in my room just to complete an extra level or too, and be exhausted by the time morning came. But I didn't care, because as I said, I AM a tryhard gamer.

It was quite the tedious work.

At this point you may be wondering, how could a human possibly find all this time to play all these games and still have time to do other stuff? Well, I'm gonna be honest with you, I don't do the other stuff. Games were all I needed in life. I stopped going to school, knowing that I'll find a way to live after my parents kick me out. After all, I do have outstanding problem-solving abilities from all those games I played. Maybe I'll become a beta-tester or something, heh. Gradually, other people and even my own family began to refer to me as a "shut-in", no matter how many times I told them to call me a tryhard gamer.

It was quite annoying.

Anyways, today was the release of a new game, Forkknife: Breakfast Royale. Apparently it was a type of game where you tried to become the last man standing by killing each other with a fork and a knife. It sounds pretty dumb, but the reviews I read from beta-testers absolutely praised the game, which was one of the reasons why I even bothered stepping out of my house to go buy it. Another reason was that apparently the game operated on rounds, and every round there would only be a single victor. And you bet your ass that I'm gonna take that number one spot every time! It was a cool concept, so on this sunny day, I traveled to the store that had it in stock.

The purchase went well, and I was walking home from the store when I noticed something. A girl, distracted by her phone, not paying attention to the truck that was driving straight towards her! Now, I may be a tryhard gamer who only loved games, but that didn't mean I wasn't capable of basic human instincts! Without thinking, I pushed the girl out of the way and fell into the path of the truck. The last thing I saw were the dark black tires that were screaming towards my head.

So this is it, huh? Well, shit. I closed my eyes, and then...darkness.

Surprisingly, I woke up! My lucky ass must have gotten saved by the doctors at the hospital! I must be on a hospital bed recovering right now! Well, that was going to make it hard for me to become number one in my games, but I'm sure I'll manage. I opened my eyes, expecting to see a sea of white, only to be met with…darkness? And what's with this floor pattern? Looks like a game of chess, lol.

Suddenly, someone in front of me cleared their throat. The hell? I looked up and saw… a girl? Not just any girl, but a stunningly beautiful one at that! She had a body that would make most supermodels cry themselves to sleep! What the fuck was going on? I've never been this close to a girl before, let alone get their attention! Well, I suppose there was my mother, but she doesn't count! I can't keep my eyes off of her. With the heavenly aura glowing around her and her royal face, it's like she's a goddess!

"Hello, Kazuma-sama, my name is Aqua, the Goddess of Water, here to guide you to your afterlife." She said calmly.

Woah woah woah wait a fucking minute, what the absolute fuck is going on?

Lots of things went through my mind quickly. So she was a goddess, that wasn't hard to believe, but more importantly, "guide me to my afterlife"? So I was dead, after all?

"Um, Aqua-sama, right? Am I dead?" I asked.

"Unfortunately yes, Kazuma-sama. I'm afraid you died from shock from pushing that girl out of the way from the tractor."

Was that a snort I just heard from her?

"Wait, a tractor? Died from shock? What do you mean? And what about the girl? Is she fine?" I asked.

"The girl would have been fine either way, she just stopped to say hello to the driver. Meanwhile, you shoved her to the ground, and the tractor stopped immediately. Even so, you somehow went into an unresponsive state of shock. Almost like a coma, perhaps!" She explained, though she was shaking slightly for some reason.

I'm now positive that I just heard another snort from her.

"Furthermore, the girl brought you to the hospital, and when she explained the situation, even the doctors couldn't stop laughing!"

Why was she clutching her sides?

"And then, when your parents arrived and they discovered what had happened, they couldn't stop laughing too! And while they were busy laughing, they failed to notice that your heart had stopped, and you died."

Wow...what a way to go out, huh? Well, it's a bit depressing, really, but the past is in the past, so I might as well move on to this "afterlife" she was talking about.

"Well okay, whatever," I began saying, "so how I can get to the after-"

I stopped when suddenly the goddess fell out of her chair, clutching both her sides, and started rolling around on the floor, laughing uncontrollably! I even saw tears in her eyes!

"I've seen many deaths in my time," she choked out, still laughing, "but never I have seen one this hilarious! Hahaha! AHAHAHA! Shock from a tractor! Haha! Unimportant enough that even your own family didn't realize your heart had stopped! Ahahaha! Ahahaha~"

"Are you don-"

"AHAHAHAHA, oh my gods, I don't think I've laughed this hard since I found out that Eris-sama pads her chest! Ahaha…"

Are you shitting me right now? A goddess, laughing at how I died? What the fuck? Weren't goddesses supposed to comfort me in times like this? And who the fuck is Eris-sama?

"Sorry, sorry, I shouldn't have done that," this bitch started saying, "Sometimes it is quite boring in here for me, so I guess I got carried away, just a little bit."

Just a little bit? With the way you were laughing and how loud you were being you could have turned every kernel of corn on Earth into fucking popcorn!

Before I could do anything rash, she spoke again.

"Well then, I shall now explain your options for the afterlife. First, you can choose to be reincarnated into another life, with all your memories wiped, of course. Second, you can go to heaven. Although I must tell you, heaven isn't as good as people make it out to be. It's just a bunch of old people sitting around all day and bathing in the sunlight. Not to mention you don't even have a physical body, so you can't even do anything kinky!" She exclaimed.

"Both of those options suck ass," I replied. Losing my memories? Hell no! That's just as good as being dead! Going into heaven sounds okay, if not boring. But without a physical body and unable to do anything kinky? Fuck no! I refuse to die a virgin!

"Right? And now, I shall present to you a secret THIRD option! Right now, there is another world, plagued by the Demon King. Its citizens live in fear from being killed! So, I'm giving you the opportunity to be sent to that other world, with all your memories intact! As a bonus, you will also be allowed to choose a special power or a powerful item to aid you in your quest to defeat the Demon King! Will you rise to the challenge, my hero?" She said the last part with a wide and beautiful smile.

"Hmmm, so, it's like a game?" I inquired.

"Well, if you want to think of it that way, I suppose. I believe you humans would have called it an 'RPG'. Although I must tell you, other people like you have also reincarnated into this world in hopes of defeating the Demon King."

Hot damn! I could get used to this! My years at tryharding games are finally gonna pay off! Not to mention I get an overpowered item to help me! This was gonna be a piece of cake! Those other people? Not a problem! I'm definitely gonna beat them and take the number one spot in this new world! Tryharding, here I come!

"Very well then, I accept," I said, barely able to contain my excitement, "and what kind of power do I get?"

"My hero! I knew that you had a righteous heart! I will now present to you a list of powers and items, and you are allowed to pick any one thing in this room to take with you!"

She threw her arms wide, and a bunch of paper flew out. So these were the available powers, huh? Let's see...

Boner Assault: Transforms your penis into a deadly weapon. Upon yelling your chosen activation word, your penis will become a deadly pole that's 10 meters long. On hit, insta-kills all entities except the Demon King himself at level 1. Levels up proportionally based on what you kill. Also makes your penis grow in length as it levels up. Upon reaching level 10,000, Boner Assault Requiem is unlocked. Instant-kills any enemy that dare cross your path. No exceptions. Level cap: none. Potential growth: infinite. Added side bonus: makes your orgasms 10 times as pleasurable!

Okay what kind of fucked up power is this? And it's the first one I read as well! The fuck is this world? Was this created by the goddess of love while she was high on cloud nine or something? Although, I must admit, the power to get stronger indefinitely is pretty overpowered, not to mention the instakills. Seriously, being able to insta kill the Demon King himself at level 10,000, well… this is very tempting… and my orgasms will be 10 times as pleasurable…?

Wait brain what the fuck are you thinking?! Snap out of it god damn it! I am not a goddamn pervert! Now that I think about it, this is a fucking bullshit ability. Can't the enemies just chop off my penis when it's extended like that? Also, why the fuck does it grow in length as I level it up? That's just going to make it easier for people to chop a part of it off! Also, are you telling me that once I'm at a really high level, I can lay on my stomach, yell my activation word, and spear the Earth on my motherfucking PENIS like a meatball on a stick? No no no no no fuck this shit I'm getting something else.

Stop Time: Allows you to stop and start time.

That's it? Well not to say it's bad or anything, but it seems rather… lacking in terms of what I just read. But nevertheless, stopping time and starting it again is pretty busted. Definitely considering this one! I wonder what else there is…

The Cursed Sword of Parzival: A cursed relic once belonging to the Lost Hero Parzival. Grants the user superhuman strength, speed, and the ability to fly. Further grants the ability to read minds and mind-control others. Able to insta-kill all entities, even the Demon King himself.

Holy SHIT! This shit is broken! Mind-control? Are you shitting me? Instantly kill the final boss? The fuck? This is straight up a fucking hack! Alright, I've decided! The Cursed Sword of Parzival it is! I started to walk towards Aqua with this piece of paper in hand when I noticed something in fine print:

The Curse: Upon touching the sword with your hands, which is needed to activate its abilities, the user will be instantly transported to the Shadow Realm, to be sealed away for all eternity.

Side Note: it is impossible to escape from the Shadow Realm, and not even god himself can help you.

…

You're joking, right? What kind of shitty-ass prank was this? A sword that basically kills its owner? That's probably how the hero Parzival became the Lost Hero in the first place! The dumbass probably touched the sword and got sent to the fucking Shadow Realm! What the fuck! Fucking joke of a power. There better be some damn good ones over in this pile.

It turns out that there were actually some pretty good ones in the other pile. The ability to transform into anything I wanted, the ability to insta-kill 100 enemies per day, no matter how powerful (Demon King excluded), and another ability to become invulnerable. The ones in this pile were actually all very overpowered and very tempting to pick! It seems like this pile was full of nothing but the good stuff! Wait, there's one more paper underneath everything…

Eat Ass: ?

I take back what I said about this pile being full of nothing but the good stuff. Seriously, what the hell? Eat Ass? You know what, I'm not even gonna comment on that one.

But still! There were so many good abilities to choose from! I was intently analyzing each one to determine which one would be best to tryhard with, when Aqua spoke again.

"Are you almost done? It's been 4 hours!" She exclaimed, while eating some chips. Wait, where the hell did she get those potato chips from? Looking at Aqua eating, I remembered something she said earlier.

A grin appeared on my face.

"Hey Aqua-sama, you said I could take any one thing in this room, right?" I asked.

"Hmm? Yes, you are allowed to choose any one thing to take with you," she replied, "does this mean you've finally decided?"

"Well then, in that case… Aqua-sama, I pick you! I want to take a goddess with me!"

Ladies and gentlemen, we got 'em. Hahaha! Bringing an actual goddess into this world is gonna be the most broken thing ever! Aqua can just grant me anything I want! Thank you, my tryharding brain!

"Hmm? Alright, step into the magic circle an-," her eyes widened, "wait, what did you sa-"

She was cut off as a hole appeared in the ceiling, and out came another stunningly beautiful girl.

"Kazuma-sama, the gods have heard your request and have approved it. Go forth with Aqua, your chosen companion. Should you manage to defeat the Demon King, the gods shall grant you any one wish you desire!" She said with a soft voice.

Any wish I desire? Hell yeah!

Apparently, Aqua wasn't too happy with this.

"Eris? What are you doing here! This is impossible! You can't take a goddess with you!" She screamed.

So that was Eris-sama, huh? Her chest... hmm, now that I look at it, they DO seem padded.

The magic circles started to glow. I just sat back and watched as this "Goddess" complained. Boy, this was kinda fun!

"This is illegal! This has to be illegal! Wait! WAIT!" Aqua yelled as she pounded on the magic barrier surrounding the circle.

With one final flash, Aqua and I were transported into this new fantasy world.

KO*NO*SU*BA!

When I opened my eyes again, I was standing on the street with Aqua, wearing nothing but the clothes I died in, and possessing nothing. But that doesn't matter! I have a goddess, after all!

"Hey Aqu-" I was cut off when Aqua suddenly started to wail and started shaking me.

"What's wrong, Aqua?" I said, just a tad bit concerned at her crying.

"Kazuma-sama you idiot! Now that you've brought me here, I can't go back to the heavenly realms until we defeat the Demon King!" She explained, still crying.

"That's all? Ha, well that's easy. Let's go beat him right now!"

"Kazuma-sama? What do you mean?"

"Well, you're a goddess, aren't you? You're supposed to help me defeat the Demon King, right? So, give me some god-like power, teleport us right next to the Demon King, and together, we'll kill him! Easy! You get to go home, and I'll get any wish granted! It's a win-win!"

"Kazuma-sama, you don't understand… When you brought me here, I lost all my godly powers…"

I did not just hear that. There is no way I just heard that. SURELY there must be SOMETHING she can do.

"Ha… well, what can you do, Goddess Aqua?"

"Hmm, well, I can eat, drink, drink beer, throw up, sleep, drink more beer, throw up again, and sleep some more!" She said happily, with a smile.

"In other words, you're useless."

"Kazuma-sama! That's mean!" Aqua said, sniffling, "I wouldn't call being able to drink beer and throwing up useless! Plus, did I mention that my vomit is rainbow colored?"

After saying this, she smiled at me again.

Why the fuck are you smiling?! How is that NOT useless? This is bullshit! What the fuck! Drinking beer is just gonna get me into debt and throwing up is just wasting all that beer! And why the fuck do you have rainbow vomit?! I can't handle this. I CANNOT handle this. Nope, get me out please. No world's game balance can be this BAD! This is all just a bad dream. If I close my eyes and count to ten, I'll wake up in my room again and I can resume tryharding again. That's right, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7,8, 9, 10. I opened my eyes. We're still in the street.

FUCK!

Think Kazuma, think. What would a tryharding genius like you do? In every RPG there's usually a tutorial, and that tutorial usually begins at the adventurer's guild. I guess before anything, I'll go do the tutorial first.

"Come on Aqua, we're going to the Adventurer's Guild." I decided.

"Do you know where that is?" She asked, unsure.

"I'll ask around, I'm sure we'll find it." I reassured her with a simple smile.

"You know, for a shut-in, you're surprisingly reliable," she said, flashing me a genuine smile.

…?!

It didn't take that long for us to find the building. It looked like adventurers were respected in this town, which was good. I also learned that this town was called Axel, a town for beginning adventurers who had nothing to start with. God damn it! I was supposed to have a broken power!

"Welcome to the Adventurer's Guild! If you're here for something to eat, take any open seat. If you wish to become adventurers, please go to Luna-san, and she will help you," a cute girl informed us.

We walked over to Luna-san, who was actually very attractive. Was everyone in this world a hottie?

"Hello! I don't think I've seen you guys around here before. I'm Luna, pleased to meet you!" She greeted us.

"Hi, yes, we're new around here. My name is Satou Kazuma, and this here is the useless goddes- I mean, my dear friend Aqua. We'd like to become new adventurers," I quickly replied.

"Pleased to meet you, Kazuma-san. The registration fee is 1,000 Eris per adventurer."

The fucks an Eris?

"Uhhhhh, we'll be right back!"

I grabbed Aqua, who was over by the quest board, and pulled her aside.

"Hey, what's an Eris?"

"Oh, that's the currency they use here. It's named after the Goddess Eris, you know her. One Eris is about one Yen."

"Well alright then, please tell me you have some money on you."

"I do not. Why are you asking?"

Fucking hell this useless goddess~!

Dejected, I sat down on a bench with Aqua. I put my head down and was about to say some very not child-friendly things when I noticed a coin underneath me. Money? I pulled it out. It looked like it was made out of platinum.

"Hey Aqua, is this an Eris?" I asked.

"Oh wow! Where did you find that? That's a Platinum coin, worth 10,000 eris ($100)!" She excitedly pointed out.

Talk about luck!

I returned back to Luna-san.

"Hey, I have some money now," I said.

"Perfect, here's your change and your adventurer's cards. It will keep track of your levels and the monsters you've killed. Please initialize it by placing your hand over this magic crystal. It will then tell you your stats and what jobs you can be."

I placed my right hand over the crystal, and instantly a blue light shot out and scanned my hand. It then printed something on my adventure's card, which Luna started to tell me what my stats were.

"Hmmm, average in strength, speed, and agility. Below average in magic and mana. Above average in intelligence, and what's this? Kazuma-san, you have exceptionally high levels in luck! This is amazing! With this amount of luck, you're sure to find success in a shop or merchant related job!" She happily exclaimed.

"But what adventurer's job can I be?" I said, a bit dejected from my stats. But hey! Luck is pretty good right? I mean, it only landed me here… dead from shock...with a useless goddess… when I could have had a broken ability like Stop Time… or even Boner Assault. Hell, right now I'd even settle for Boner Assault.

Fuck luck.

"Oh, well, let's see here… it seems like you can only become a basic adventurer. A class that can take in any skills from other classes without penalty. A jack of all trades, master of none." She said.

"I guess I'll take it."

"Perfect Kazuma-san, here you go!" She handed me my adventurer's card, "I wish you the best of luck on your adventures!"

Luna-san turned to Aqua, "now if you would do the same, please."

Aqua repeated what I had done and in another flash of blue light, her card was done.

"Let's see," Luna said, her eyes widening, "Aqua-san! Besides below average intelligence and luck, all of your other stats are drastically above average! No doubt classes that require intelligence are out, like Wizard or Sorcerer, but other than that, you can become anything you want!" She said in surprise.

"Really?" Aqua asked in surprise, "what classes are there?"

"Well, there are over 50 classes, but based on these stats, I'd recommend the advanced Arch-Priest class, commander of healing and recovery magic. In addition, they are able to effectively deal with undead enemies, making them a valuable addition to any party. Usually, years of training are required to obtain the stats needed to become an Arch-Priest, but I have no doubts about this, you are able to become a powerful Arch-Priest if you wish!"

"Oh… okay! Sign me up! Ha! See Kazuma? I'm an Arch-Priest now! A powerful advanced class!" She said as she smugly waved her adventurer's card at my face.

Oh come on! What was this world's game balance? The main character gets one of the most basic classes, and his sidekick gets an advanced class? Bullshit!

"Wow, starting as Arch-Priest? I don't think I've seen that happen in years!' A guy from the crowd stated, noticing Aqua.

"Arch-Priests are so wonderful! Hell, maybe she'll be the one to defeat the Demon King!" Another one said.

"Arch-Priest! Arch-Priest! Arch-Priest! Arch-Priest!" The crowd began chanting, praising her.

"Ehhh…? Thanks everyone! I'll try to do my best from now on!" Aqua said, unused to this chanting.

Damn it. Wasn't I the one supposed to be getting all the praise?!

I looked outside the window, noticing that it was almost night time. Might as well get something to eat and then try to find some beginning quest to level up on. I used the rest of the money to purchase dinner, and then tried to find a decent place to sleep. The only thing that I could afford was sleeping in the goddamn stables! Surprisingly, Aqua didn't complain. I laid down to try and sleep, but my nose was instantly blasted by the smell of horse shit.

This was going to be a long fucking night, wasn't it?

KONOSUBA!

The next morning, Aqua and I walked back to the guild, hoping to complete a quest for some money. Then I realized I had nothing but my bare fists, and that Aqua was useless attack-wise except on Undead enemies. I asked Luna what we should do, and she explained that most people with nothing to start with usually start working a basic job until they could save enough money to buy equipment to go adventuring.

Guess I don't have a choice, do I?

Aqua and I spent the day searching for a job opening, but the only job we could get into was a laborer's job. It was back-breaking work that left me exhausted each day, but at least the pay was decent enough to allow me to save something, not to mention it would probably mean I could gain some points in my strength class, or possibly even level up!

Gradually, Aqua and I settled into a routine: wake up, eat, work, bathhouse, eat, and sleep. Rinse and repeat. It was a boring life, and once again I cursed myself for having not chosen an actual power.

On some nights, the people at the bar would buy Aqua drinks, as she was pretty attractive as well as an Arch-Priest. It would always be me accompanying her when she went to throw up. Apparently what she said earlier was true. She really does vomit in rainbow.

Bitch, why?

After a month of working, I finally had enough money to afford a basic sword. Aqua, on the other hand, spent all her savings on booze. That dumbass. Whatever. I decided to check my adventures card to see what kind of quests I should take.

Also, I wanted to see how much strength I gained from working at that job.

I eagerly pulled out my card.

Okay, so I was still level one. That's fine, I guess. I looked down at my stats.

None of them had changed.

Not even strength.

Not even by a single point.

...

I fucking hate this world.