Author's Note: First off, I'd like to thank you guys for the support on this series so far! It really means a lot to me. Also, thanks to the Guest review that pointed out the difference between -sama and -san. I'm still a bit confused on them, but I fixed that in this chapter, I think. I also want to take this time to inform you guys on my upload schedule. To start off, I won't be updating on a certain day every week, rather, I'll just simply release a chapter when I finish writing it. That being said, I can tell you guys right now that I WILL be updating this story at least once a week as long as people still want to read it. I really do enjoy writing this series, so I'll probably update two or three times a week. If I ever take a break or something happens that causes me to be unable to upload for a week, I'll let you guys know ASAP. Also, this is my longest chapter yet! 8K + Words! How'd I do? Did I make it interesting enough so that you read it all the way through? Or should I write shorter chapters? Please R & R to let me know! Without further ado, I hope you enjoy!
Disclaimer: I don't own KonoSuba or any of its characters.
Season 1, Chapter 3: Thieves, Cabbages, and Love?
Ah, Darkness! Of course! You're more than welcome to join my trash-ass party!
"We'll see, Darkness. What class are you?" I asked. First, I have to check that she'd actually be useful to the party unlike some other member I could mention COUGH *AQUA* COUGH.
"My calling is that of a Crusader!" She declared. "I have high armor and high magical resistance, while boasting a naturally high HP pool, so please don't hesitate to use me as a shield in fights!"
A crusader, huh? Back in the games I played, Crusaders were an advanced class usually filled by nobles. They were exceptionally tanky and powerful, able to cleave their way through their enemies, while tanking all the attacks and spells the enemies threw at them.
Sweet, an actually useful party member! I'll offer for her to go on a quest with me, just to make sure what she says is true.
"I definitely could use a Crusader in my party," I began, "how about we go on a quest so that I can-"
I was suddenly cut off as she leaned forward again, close enough so that our noses were almost touching, her hot breath once again on my lips.
Is my luck on drugs right now? This stimulation is insane! Calm down, my virgin heart!
"A quest? Like the one you just did? I saw those two girls with you covered in slime!" She eyes widened. "What kind of monster did that to them? Tell me! I need to know!" She demanded, with a ...moan?
The fuck?
"Uh... there were these giant toads, and they almost got eaten, but I cut them out." I replied.
"Hmpt~" she tried to suppress her moan, but failed horribly.
Just what the fuck is her problem? Could she be another weirdo? I can't take that chance! I've already learned my lesson with Megumin!
"Ah Darkness, now that I think about it, I think Crusaders are too powerful for a beginning party like mine. Our party is pretty weak, after all." I tried to hint that I didn't want her to join.
"No! Kazuma-san, it's my duty as a Crusader to protect the weak! Please let me join your party! Send me to the front lines! I can already imagine the damage..." she said, while drooling with a dreamy expression on her face.
Well, that confirms it. She's definitely another weirdo.
"No!" I insisted, "With your tankyness and attacks, surely you'd be better suited for a more powerful party!"
She shuffled nervously.
"Well, Kazuma-san, it's a bit hard for me to say this... but I'm really clumsy, and none of my attacks ever hit their mark."
A 100% miss rate Crusader? Fuck no!
"Ah, well, we get pretty beat up after each quest." I tried to tell her about the bad things about our party.
"It would be my pleasure to get beaten up for you!" She moaned again.
Shit, maybe I shouldn't have said that?
I tried again. "You'll probably get eaten."
"That would be even better!" She was really moaning now, not even bothering to try to suppress it. "Please Kazuma-san! I need to join your party!"
No you fucking don't. Can't you take the hint that I want you to piss off?
Before I could say anything else, she shuddered violently.
"Kazuma-san, you're making me so wet~~ Aha~ ha~" she moaned out, while blushing.
Ah. I see. This bitch is hopeless to the core! There's no way I could accept her!
"I read your recruitment poster Kazuma-san..."
That damned poster! That thing's a fucking bitch weirdo attraction magnet! I swear to fucking god that when I get the chance, I'm gonna burn that piece of shit down to nothing but ashes!
"...let me create beautiful memories with you!" She panted, "Oh~ the memories of being abused by the monsters... AH! It's too much! My body~~"
Please don't tell me she just had a fucking orgasm.
And speaking of memories, I wish I could delete this one right now. I glanced at the Guild's door.
"Ah listen, Darkness, my mind's a bit hazy, I think I may have drunk too much." A complete lie. I swore off of alcohol forever after it gave me that nightmare where Aqua became my lover.
"If you don't mind... I'll take my leave." I said to her while she collapsed on the floor, still trembling.
She didn't hear me in her post-orgasm euphoria.
I walked over to the quest board and took down my recruitment poster, shoving it in my pockets.
Fuck you, you piece of shit paper!
I glanced back, taking one last look at Darkness before I walked out the doors.
She's moaning again.
My fucking god, this bitch is hopeless.
KONOSUBA!
Damn it, I was so damn tired from last night's exchange that I slept until noon!
I decided to go over to the Guild to pick up something to eat, seeing that I had skipped breakfast.
I opened the doors to the guild, only to see Aqua performing her Nature's Beauty, while everyone else was cheering her on.
"Hey Kazuma-san! Look at my water trick!" She exclaimed as she noticed me. "Isn't it fitting for a water goddess such as me?"
"Yeah yeah, sure Aqua-sama." My stomach grumbled. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go grab something to eat."
I walked over to the bar, surprised to see Megumin already there, eating. I sat down by her.
"Say, Megumin, can you explain to me how skill points work?" I asked her.
"Hmm? Oh hello, Kazuma-sama." She replied in between bites. "Skill points are acquired by leveling up. They're used for learning abilities or to upgrade an ability you already have."
"How you do learn an ability?" I inquired further.
"Well, the most common way is to get someone to teach you," she explained, "simple spells can usually be learned by simply watching people perform them, while complex spells require multiple teaching sessions with someone."
Huh, I only had 3 skill points right now, so I doubt I could learn much. Still, I pulled out my adventurer's card. Hmm, now that I think about it, I watched Aqua perform Nature's Beauty, didn't I?
I looked down at the section labeled "Available Abilities to Learn", and sure enough, Nature's Beauty was there, with a requirement of... TEN SKILL POINTS?!
AQUA! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING? I can't believe that this useless goddess wasted ten whole fucking skill points into a fucking party trick! How the fuck was that supposed to help us on our quests? Was her intelligence stat in the negatives or something!?
Then another thought crossed my mind. I turned to Megumin.
"Does this mean that if I have you teach me, I can learn Explosion magic too?" I said.
She eyes immediately lit up as she turned to face towards me.
"That's right Kazuma-san! If you want to learn explosion magic, then I'll teach you everything I know!" She rambled.
"Now hold up a minute, I didn't say-"
"Think about it! Is there even any other spell that's worth your time and efforts to learn? No, there's not!"
Yeah there sure fucking is, you damn explosion loli! It's called literally any other fucking spell that doesn't leave you defenseless like a damn toddler after you use it!
"Now come Kazuma-san! What are you waiting for? Come walk the path of Explosions with me!" She excitedly declared as she got up in my face.
I instantly pushed her back onto her seat while opening my mouth to speak.
"Now calm down here you explosion loli," I began, "I only have three skill points right now, so I doubt I could learn something as powerful as Explosion- eh? Explosion loli?"
Did she even hear what I said? And what's up with that face of crippling depression on her face? She looks like she'd just been told that she'd never be able to cast Explosion ever again!
Megumin slowly turned her head towards her food. She took a small bite, and cocked her head to her side.
"Heh, I'm an explosion loli..." she said quietly.
Seriously? She got that depressed at something little at like that? And what the fuck is with this depressing organ music suddenly playing in the background?
I was about to try and comfort her when I heard a voice behind me.
"Kazuma-san! I've been looking for you!" That voice... it couldn't be... I whipped my head around.
A blonde female knight was walking briskly towards me.
NANI!?
"About last night, you said you weren't feeling well, so you left and we never got to finish our talk." She began talking as she sat down next to me.
Take a fucking hint you dumb blonde! I don't want another weirdo in my already weirdo-filled party! Fuck off!
"So, about me joining your party..."
"NO! PLEASE NO!" I instinctively shouted out.
"AHA~!" She grabbed her chest and blushed, all while moaning loudly.
What the fuck? She liked that? Shit!
"Now now, Darkness, that wouldn't do," said another voice, "you're being too pushy."
I turned to face the voice. It came from a pretty silver haired girl.
"Uh, and you are?" I asked her.
"Name's Chris," she introduced herself. "I'm also an adventurer, belonging to the Thief class. You could say that me and Darkness here are friends."
Thank god, she looked liked someone normal. However, I can't be sure until I get to know her better. She's Darkness's friend, after all.
Damn it! These girls were giving me trust issues!
"Listen, I overheard you talking about learning abilities. How'd you like to learn some Thief skills? They're simple but incredibly useful, and they only cost 1 skill point each to learn!" She offered.
"Seriously?" I asked.
"Of course! And if you act now, I'll teach you for the cost of a simple beer!"
"Deal!"
KONOSUBA!
Chris led me outside so she could teach me the skills. Darkness tagged along as well, being Chris's friend.
First, she showed me the skill "Lurk", which would allow me to disappear from vision for a short while. Next, she showed me "Detect Enemy", which would allow me to sense any enemies nearby me, up to a certain radius.
"And now, I saved my favorite skill for last!" She declared as she held up her hand.
"Steal!" Suddenly, I was blinded by a flash of blue light. When I could see again, I noticed that my wallet was in her hands! Amazing! Thieves were amazing!
"Steal has a chance to grant you possession of a random thing that the person you were stealing from was carrying. Success rate and the value of the item depends on your luck." She explained.
This was the perfect skill for me! My high luck stat will finally be put to use! Excited, I turned my hand to a random pedestrian and whispered, "Steal!".
Nothing happened?
"Chris-san? It's not working?" I questioned her.
Seeing my confused expression, she laughed wholeheartedly. "Kazuma-san, you have to learn it first on your adventure's card, dummy!"
Somehow, hearing her call me an dummy didn't really make me feel that bad. I mean, I really did mess up! I got so excited about a luck-based skill that I completely forgot to learn it!
"Ahahaha," I started laughing too. "Of course! Of course I have to learn it first! I'm such an idiot!"
Hearing my laugh, she only laughed harder. Seeing her laugh like this only made me laugh harder too.
Pretty soon, we were both clutching our sides from laughter. Then I realized something.
I was laughing. She was laughing. We were laughing.
A kind, beautiful girl was laughing together with me!
I quickly had a talk with my brain.
Oi! Brain! Has this ever happened before?
Of course! My brain replied.
My mom doesn't count! I reminded my brain.
Then no...
So this was my first time, huh? That's actually really fucking sad, now that I think about it.
As we were calming down, she said to me, "Why don't you learn the three skills that I showed you, Kazuma-san? Then, how about you try to steal your wallet back from me? If you're super lucky, you might even get my dagger, which is worth 400,000 Eris!" Picking up some rocks, she continued, "If you fail, you'll get these rocks from me instead!" She finished with a light chuckle.
I pulled out my adventurer's card and looked at the "Available Abilities to Learn" section again. Let's see.
Nature's Beauty - 10 Skill Points
Fuck off, Aqua.
Ah! There they were!
Lurk - 1 Skill Point
Detect Enemy - 1 Skill Point
Steal - 1 Skill Point
I quickly selected all three of them and pressed Learn. The words turned to green and faded away, only to reappear under my "Skills and Abilities" section. I didn't feel any different, but I guess I have the skills now?
I looked at Chris in the face. "Get ready Chris! Here I go!" I warned her, as I raised my hand.
"Go on, Kazuma-san! I'm sure you'll manage to get your wallet back!" She said encouragingly.
This girl was too kind.
"STEAL!" I yelled. Tryhard mode, activate! Chris's dagger, come to me!
A blue light flashed around my hand, momentarily blinding me. However, I did manage to steal something. Unfortunately, it was soft, so it wasn't the dagger. But it was too silky to be my wallet. What in the world was it?
I opened my hand and held the object up to the sun. Wait... hold up.
CHRIS'S PANTIES?!
Holy shit! Luck was on my side today! I'd 100% value this higher than the dagger! My tryharding skills finally paid off for once! I waved my prize around up in the air, while laughing due to my excitement.
"Kazuma-san! Such brutality!" Darkness began with a blush. "Please, I beg you! Steal mine too!" She threw her arms wide, while thrusting her hips forward.
Oh my gods! Would you please fuck off already!?
Chris looked down, blushing. "Kazuma-san! Please give me back my panties!" She pleaded with me.
"Not today! I stole this off of you fair and square, so it rightfully belongs to me now! HAHAHA!" I laughed, still waving it around in the air.
"Kazuma-san! Please! That's my only pair~" She begged, blushing harder.
Wait what? Why the fuck do you only have one pair of panties? Meh, fuck it. It's mine now! Ahaha!
"Lurk," I said, and disappeared from her sight.
"KAZUMA-SAN!"
KO*NO*SU*BA!
Of course, I wasn't that mean to keep Chris's only pair of panties. I returned them to her once we made our way back to the Guild.
Sigh. Time to tackle the problem of Darkness trying to join our party.
I opened the doors to the Guild with a heavily blushing Chris behind me, as well as with Darkness muttering "Kazuma-san! I wonder when you'll steal my panties! Just the thought of it makes me so wet!"
Are you fucking shitting me right now? Any hope I had for her was lost at that moment. I definitely was NOT going to let her join my party, no matter what!
Aqua and Megumin came up to me, but then they noticed Chris.
"What's wrong with her?" Aqua asked. "Why is she blushing so much?"
"Well, you see-" I started saying, trying to explained what had happened in a way to make me seem like a good person.
"Chris is just scarred for life after Kazuma-san used her own Thief skills on her, taking away her only pair of panties." Darkness explained to them. "By the way Kazuma-san, can I join your party?" She tagged on that last question.
NO YOU MAY FUCKING NOT! WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT SPECIFIC QUESTION NOW THAT YOU'VE JUST MADE ME SEEM LIKE A PERVERT TO EVERYONE? DO YOU HAVE BELOW AVERAGE INTELLIGENCE LIKE AQUA TOO? THIS BITCH! SHE'S LIKE A FUCKING TRYHARD GAMER THAT'S DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO ACHIEVE HER FINAL OBJECTIVE OF JOINING MY PARTY! DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO DO INSTEAD OF WASTING ALL YOUR TIME TRYING TO CONVINCE ME?
Wait. Hold up. I thought back on her actions. She has tried very hard to join my party. I mean, even today, she was searching for me long before I showed up at the Guild. Could she have the same tryhard mentality that I have? Could she be... could she be someone that I could relate to in this world? Deep in my thoughts, I didn't respond to her question.
She let out a moan while whispering, "Such advanced ignorance play!~ Ah~! It's making me even wetter!" She clutched her breasts.
Nope. I could never relate to this... whatever this is. Why did I even think that I could? More importantly, I needed to save face in front of Aqua and Megumin!
"No! It's not like that! Whatever I steal is random, so it was only chance! It was only chance that I managed to get her panties! Plus, I returned them to Chris-san right afterwards!" I turned to face Chris. "Back me up here!" I told her.
She only blushed deeper and put both arms around her chest protectively. "But... but that was only after you forced me to show you my breasts! You said if I didn't you'd take my panties and make them a family heirloom!" She choked out, tears streaming down her face.
NANI THE FUCK?! What the fuck am I even supposed to say to something like that? God FUCKING damn it Chris!
While everyone's attention was focused on me, Chris stuck out her tongue at me, a hidden smile forming.
Well, FUCK you too!
Jesus fucking Christ I'm going to turn into a goddamn human icicle from these cold glares that all the female adventurers were giving me! Also, this sudden silence was fucking killing me!
"So, I take it that you managed to successfully learn your Thief skills?" Megumin asked me coldly, changing the subject and breaking the silence.
Megumin! My savior! I turned towards her with a grateful smile. Thank the gods you joined my party!
"I sure did Megumin!" I replied. "Here, I'll demonstrated one right now!" I held up my hand, preparing to use Steal. I looked at her face, then up at her hat. Alright, lets go for the hat! Come to me, wizard hat. COME TO ME!
"STEAL!"
The hat did not come to me. I guess I really can't control what I steal, huh? Hmm... this sensation in my hands felt strangely familiar. Did I feel something like this before? It's so soft... and silky.
WAIT, SHIT! IT COULDN'T BE!
I opened my hand and looked down. In it laid a pair of black panties. Megumin's panties.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO! WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK! LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER! HER ROBE! HER SHIRT (EVEN THOUGH THAT MIGHT LEAVE HER NAKED, IT WAS STILL EASIER TO EXPLAIN!). HELL, EVEN HER BRA WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER THEN THIS!
Hmm... looking down at her flat chest, I doubt she even wore a bra. WAIT, NO! THAT'S NOT THE PROBLEM HERE! WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?
"Uh, look here..." I started to say, before Megumin interrupted me.
"Kazuma-san. When you leveled up, did you change your class from 'Adventurer' to 'Pervert'?" She quietly said while tilting her hat down so that it covered her face.
Wait, you can change classes as you level up? Sweet! I don't have to be an Adventurer forever!
WAIT NO! Focus on the situation at hand, Kazuma!
"Umm... I know my panties a bit drafty, but could I please have them back? They're my only pair." Megumin quietly whispered.
What the fuck? Another girl with only one pair of panties? The fucks wrong with this world? Didn't their parents teach them about basic personal hygiene? I mean, even I left my games behind sometimes in order to go buy some extra boxers!
Before I got a chance to had her panties back, Darkness rushed in front of them, spreading her arms wide.
"Such vulgar acts to defile a woman!" She moaned out. "Kazuma-san, you MUST let me join your party! You can steal my panties all you want!"
NO GOD DAMN IT! WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO GET YOU TO FUCK OFF?
"Ehhh? Is this the person you said that came to for an interview, Kazuma-san?" Aqua asked.
Aqua tapped Darkness on the shoulder. "Why don't we go sit down and you tell us about yourself? Since we're a new party with only three members, I'm sure Kazuma-san would be happy to take you in!"
WHAT? NO! DON'T DO THAT! DON'T GIVE HER HOPE! SHIT, THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT DARKNESS TO MEET AQUA!
My party sat down anyways. With no choice, I followed them.
"My name is Darkness," she started to introduce herself. "My calling is that of a Crusader. Here's my adventure's card." She said as she set it down on the table.
Megumin took it first.
"Oh wow! Look at your strength! This is unbelievably high!" She gushed out. "Kazuma-san! There's no reason we why we shouldn't have her in our party!"
Oi, explosion loli, did you not hear her earlier when she said that I could steal her panties all I want? Did your explosions finally blast out your eardrums, leaving you deaf?
She passed the card to Aqua.
"Amazing! Look at these skills! Greater Parry, Supreme Magical Resistance, Supreme Physical Resistance, and Enhanced Armor! You'll be able to beat anything!" Aqua gasped in surprise.
Oi, useless goddess, did your eyes not catch upon the fact that she had no offensive skills? Did you not realize that she didn't even have Basic Swordsmanship? Did your Nature's Beauty party trick drain out all the water from your eyes, making you blind?
Looks like I have no choice but to use my last resort. Fear. Maybe I could even get the explosion loli to leave with this!
"Ahem!" I cleared my throat. "Darkness, me and Aqua may not look like much, but our ultimate goal is to defeat the Demon King himself."
Aqua nodded, confirming what I just said.
"And so, if you join us, you'll no doubt suffer from many hardships." I continued.
"I love hard ships! Tell me how fast they would ram into me!" She closed her eyes, no doubt imagining some weird-ass shit again.
But fuck, this wasn't working. Tryhard time!
"Listen!" I slammed my hands down on the table, trying to intimidate them. "If you get captured by the Demon King, there's no doubt that you'll be tortured horribly! He'll probably chain you up in his basement, and have his way with you every night! And if he ever gets bored of you, he'll past you down to his underlings! You'll become a sex slave! You'll constantly be in the worst pain of your life, surrounded by lusty orcs who would do unspeakable things with you! This is to assume that they don't break your body from the torture first!
Jesus Christ, I felt horrible after saying that. No one, especially a girl, should have to go through that!
"AH~ KAZUMA-SAN!" The loudest moan yet. "If joining your party means that I could possibly suffer that fate, then I must join! After what you said, there's not a chance that I'm letting this opportunity go! I'll even stay 50 feet behind you at all times if that's what it takes to join your party!"
The fuck? She didn't get scared?
"Mwah~~ torture..." she whispered softly, heavily blushing.
Ah. I get it now. She's a masochist, isn't she.
She enjoys BDSM, doesn't she.
What I just described to her probably sounded like heaven, didn't it?
I fucked up. She's a lost cause now.
But that doesn't mean I've lost all hope! I turned to Megumin.
"Megumin, this applies to you too. Are you sure you want to take the risk of being captured by the Demon King?" I said, trying to scare her.
In response, she slammed her fist down on the table. "My name is Megumin! The most powerful Crimson Demon there is! Commander of Explosion magic, I can topple mountains and split the seas! If that Demon King tries to come after me, I'll blast him to nothing but ashes!" She finished as she set her foot on the table, striking a pose.
I've lost all hope. This one's a lost cause as well.
I was pondering what to do next when I felt Aqua tugging at my sleeve. "Kazuma-san, I'm starting to get scared..." she whimpered.
Seriously? Out of all the people here, YOU were the one to get frightened? God damn it! You were the one person I couldn't abandon! I mean, it's not like I like you or anything, it's just that you make great monster bait!
Ugh... I laid my head down on the table, defeated. Damn it. What am I going to do with them?
"Emergency quest! Emergency quest!" Luna's voice suddenly rang out through the speakers. "All adventurers please gather outside the front gate! I repeat, all adventurers, please gather outside the front gate!"
Oh my fucking god, what is it this time?!
KONOSUBA!
We were now standing outside the front gate. It was actually super crowded. Was every adventurer in town actually here? Something super serious must be going on to warrant this many people showing up.
"Get ready, here they come!" an adventurer next to me said.
Here what comes? I looked over the hill. An absolutely MASSIVE swarm of green balls were flying towards us! Was this an attack by the Demon King? Were those destructive projectiles that exploded on impact? Were those... cabbages?
What the fuck is going on?!
I turned towards Aqua, who was carrying a giant basket for some reason.
"Aqua-sama, why are cabbages flying towards us?" I questioned her.
"Oh, Kazuma-san, you didn't hear?" She answered back. "It's harvest season!"
"Harvest season?"
"Yes, Kazuma. In this world, cabbages can fly. And so, when they start ripening and their flavor develops completely, they spring out of the ground and come together in a massive swarm. They trample across towns and cities to reach their destination, and those who don't get eaten ends up in dying in a place untainted by men." She finished explaining.
In other words, even the fucking CABBAGES in this world were complete fucking weirdos.
I swear, I can't take this anymore.
"Everyone!" It was Luna. "This year's cabbages were predicted to be especially tasty! As such, the town is offering 10,000 Eris as a reward for every head of cabbage that you bring back!" She shouted out through a megaphone.
10,000 Eris for just ONE of those little fuckers? That's twice as much as a giant toad! Finally! A stupid game balance that worked in my favor! Maybe I can take this, after all!
"You hear that, everyone?" The same adventurer from before shouted out. "10,000 per head! CHARGE!" He said before running towards the swarm.
The crowd release mighty scream before they started charging in as well.
"Kazuma-san. This is a perfect opportunity to show you what I can do." Darkness, who was besides me, spoke up.
"Watch me!" She yelled as she charged into a thick swarm, her sword drawn high.
Oh wow! This is just like in my video games! Crusaders were known for their abilities to destroy massive amounts of enemies with a single cleave. Am I going to see a real attack, live?
"Nyah!" She grunted, swinging her sword through the thick green cloud.
Somehow, she managed to miss all of them. I don't even know how at this fucking point. I could toss a god damn pebble into that swarm and it would bring down at least one cabbage, if not more.
I'm never getting my hopes up for anyone ever again, I decided at that moment.
Darkness swung again. And missed. Swing. Miss. Swing. Miss. Swing. Miss.
I was so distracted at how unbelievably stupid this masochist was being that I didn't notice the cabbage flying towards me.
OW! HOLY SHIT! THESE THINGS HIT LIKE A FUCKING TRUCK! It only grazed past my shoulder, but even so, that was enough to leave a cut deep enough to draw blood. Damn, I've to be more careful. I looked around to see how other people were doing.
WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! Holy! These things were dropping people like flies! I saw a adventurer on my left collapse after being struck straight in the chest by a cabbage, and then a party of four to my right suffered a similar fate.
Suddenly, when it looked like another cabbage was about to finish someone off on the party to my right, Darkness dropped her sword down and rushed over.
She stood in front of them, holding up her arms in an X, taking in that cabbage's blow.
"Go! Save yourself!" She said to the people behind her. "I'll hold them off!"
The cabbages were really starting to come in now. Another one struck her shoulder, knocking off the armor there. Pretty soon, all of her armor were knocked off and laid by her side. The party behind her had retreated to safety, leaving her alone in the field. Another cabbage was coming straight for her, and this time it would hit bare skin.
"Darkness! You..." I said in awe at her selfless nature.
"Kazuma-san, it's okay! It's my duty to protect the people! I've told you this before, haven't I?"
"Darkness! You're... you..."
"Now come! Hit me all you want, you cabbages!" She said, blushing as she threw her arms wide open and jutting her chest out towards them.
You're getting turned on, aren't you.
For fuck's sake.
"Look at that brave crusader!" Someone from the crowd said as they noticed her standing there alone.
"Going to such lengths to protect a follow adventurer!" Another exclaimed in awe.
"As a knight, it is my duty to learn from her!" A knight said to my right, as he pulled out a notebook and a pencil. He sat down and starting taking notes.
"I wish that the cabbages would hit her chest more! Look! The fabric is already starting to peel away!" A male adventurer said dreamily.
Are you fucking for real right now? Why was a fucking KNIGHT taking notes? Shouldn't he out there fighting? And something's seriously fucking wrong with that last guy!
Can't you people fucking see that the "noble" and "brave" knight was getting turned on by this? I looked around, scanning their faces.
All of them were filled to the brim with awe and admiration.
I see. So you guys can't really see what's going on, huh.
That's alright. Thanks you guys anyways for helping me reach a conclusion.
Everyone in this town was a FUCKING WEIRDO, DAMN IT!
"My name is Megumin!" A voice of a certain explosion loli shouted out from behind me.
OH MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE NO. STOP. PLEASE.
"Ohhh~" she quivered. "When faced with such a large army, can I possibly resist the desire to unleash my Explosion that's second to none?" She asked herself.
"No! I can't!" She decided, as she gripped her staff and pointed it towards the cabbage swarm.
YES YOU FUCKING CAN!
"Oh, blackness shrouded in light," she started to chant.
Put the staff down, Megumin.
"Frenzied blaze clad in night,"
Megumin? What happened to being a good girl?
"In the name of the Crimson Demons,"
Megumin listen, we can talk about this!
"let the collapse of thine origin manifest."
Megumin! Wait! No! Think this through!
"Summon before me the root of thy power hidden within the lands..."
You don't have to do this, Megumin! Think of the children!
"...of the kingdom of demise!"
Oh shit.
I turned to run away from her, knowing very well what was going to happen next.
"Everyone that wants to live!" I shouted, getting their attention. "Hurry up and run away!" I tried to warn them. "Back away! Back awa-"
"EXPLOSION!"
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Wheee~~~ Look mommy! I'm flying! I'm actually flying! Mom? Did you get the camera?
Was that the Earth coming up to greet me?
MOM! GET THE CAMERA! MUMMY! MUMMY! RECORD ME! HURRY! RECORD ME IN MY LAST MOMENTS OF LIFE! LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I WAS A GOOD BOY! LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I-
SPLAT!
Oh god, my fucking head. Damn, that was a nasty fall. I sat up and tried moving my arms and legs. All good there. Then I tried wiggling my fingers and toes. No problems there either. I got up to a standing position and lightly jogged in place. Then I did some jumping jacks.
System was A-OK! Thank god, I thought I was going to die!
How were the others doing? I looked at Megumin, who was laying face down on the ground. No surprise there. She looked to be fine.
What about Aqua? Where's Aqua? I looked around. I spotted a tuff of blue hair under a turned over basket. Looks like she was smart enough to dump out her cabbages in order to crawl in there to protect herself from the blast. Judging by the light damages to the basket, I was sure that Aqua was fine in there.
But still, throwing away all those cabbages in order to hide under the basket? There was no way that she was smart enough to do that. It must've been her survival instincts. Yeah, just her survival instincts. The Aqua I know was too stupid to think of something useful like that.
What about Darkness? She was right in the middle of the swarm, no doubt taking a direct hit! Was she fine?
I looked at the crater. It looks like she was blasted to the side of it. She was laying face down on the ground, she face firmly squashed into the Earth.
There was no way she could breath like! Don't tell me... don't tell me she's actually dea-
Suddenly, Darkness raised her head up as she gasped for air. Then, she flopped down on her back, with a smile.
Darkness! Thank god you're fine! I'm not gonna lie, you were actually pretty brave back ther-
"OH!~" She moaned out. "Megumin! I never realized!" She started talking to herself.
Never realized what?
"I never realized how powerful your explosions were! They feel so good on my body!" She blushed, still talking to herself. "It's a shame you can't do it again... I was so close to finishing, Megumin~~~" Her body shuttered, probably imagining the thought of being hit by another Explosion.
On second thought, maybe you should have just fucking died!
WHOA! NO! THAT WAS NOT OKAY, BRAIN! Masochist or not, she was a human.
Why did I think like that? To wish death upon another human being? That was wrong. That was really, really wrong. I'm sorry, Darkness. Technically, now that I really think about it, and as much as I hate to admit it, she has done nothing wrong. She was just trying to make friends by talking to people about herself and what she liked. She's probably had her own ups and downs, but deep inside, she possesses a solid moral compass. She knew when to stick up for people, she knew bravery and honesty, and most importantly, she knew herself. She didn't care what others thought about her. She's just trying to enjoy life to the fullest by being herself. She didn't lie to herself to try and hide her bad qualities, instead, she was open and honest, fully expressing her true inner self to others. What was so wrong about that?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing was wrong with that.
I began to see her in a different light. Maybe, just maybe, there might be hope of her joining my party. After all, I already had two weirdos! Might as well add one more! The more the merrier, right?
The cabbage swarm, dispersed by Megumin's explosion, started grouping up again. One of them headed straight towards the weakened Darkness.
"Darkness!" I yelled, with genuine concern in my voice. I knew that I was too far away to help her.
Suddenly, the cabbage fell to the ground, dead. A slash was on its back. Standing behind it was Chris, her dagger in hand.
She looked at me and cocked her head lightly to her side. "Well Kazuma-san?" She smirked while bending down to pick up the dead cabbage. "Are you going to help or just continue to stand there looking like a fool?" She lightly laughed. It was obvious that she wasn't trying to insult me whatsoever.
"Oh? Of course I'm going to help," I quickly said to her, unsheathing my sword.
"Say, why don't we make it a contest? Whoever catches more cabbages gets to use Steal once on the other person!" She challenged me.
"You're on!" I gladly replied.
"Well, then, hurry up, idiot!" she said with a smile.
I smiled back.
"Lurk," I quietly whispered, as I charged into battle.
I'm not going to lie, those cabbages may hit hard, but since the Lurk skill had a low cooldown and manacost, I was able to spam it. Instead of being able to hit me, all I had to do was Lurk, stab, Lurk, stab, and repeat that cycle as many times as I wanted! I ended up with five full baskets of freshly killed cabbage. Wow, that sounded weird.
Anyhow, I picked up my cabbages and brought them over to Luna. Ha, beat that, Chris!
Well, well, who do we have here? Speak of the devil! It looks like Chris was also done with her cabbage collecting.
She was walking towards me.
Carrying six baskets full of cabbage.
NOOOOOO! There goes my dreams of being able to steal Chris's panties again!
She sat the baskets down besides me.
"Ah ha! Looks like the mighty thief wins!" Chris smugly declared, holding up her hand, preparing to use Steal. "Remember our contest, Kazuma-san?"
"A deal's a deal." I said, spreading my arms. "Ready when you are."
"Well, then, STEAL!" She happily exclaimed.
I suddenly felt a cool breeze down there. Wait. Don't tell me...
I subtly reached a hand down my pants to check. Yep. They're gone.
I was quite happy, knowing that it wasn't only me who could steal underwear. I looked up at Chris.
"Ehhh? What's this?" She asked, confused. "This isn't your wallet."
She opened her hand, revealing my boxers.
"What on Earth..." She used her other hand to stretch them out. A horrified expression began creeping up unto her face. "Wait... don't tell me..."
"ACK! KAZUMA-SAN'S UNDERWEAR!" She yelled as she threw them on the ground.
"Oi, don't get them dirty like that!" I said, walking over and reaching down to pick them up. "Luckily for me, I actually have multiple pairs of boxers!" I said to Chris, who, for some strange reason, only owned one pair of panties.
"Ewwww... I touched..." she said while looking down at her hands. "My hands touched Kazuma's..."
Oh come on, what's with this disgusted reaction? Why weren't you waving them around air while yelling, OMG! Kazuma's boxers! I must be the luckiest girl in the world! Didn't you feel the same excitement that I had felt when I stole your panties? No? You didn't?
I'll never understand women.
I held up my boxers in front of her, trying to tease her. "Since I have multiple pairs of boxers, I really don't mind you taking this one" I said with a smirk.
I walked slowly towards her, waving my boxer around in a circle. "You stole this from me fair and squareeeee~ It belongs to you now, Chris-san."
"Ah! Kazuma-san! I don't want... I don't need... whatttt?" She stammered out, blushing.
Then she turned and started to run.
What was I supposed to do but follow?
"Come back here, Chris-san!" I called out as I chased after her. "You know you want themmmmm~" I teased her again.
"Ah~ Kazuma-san, go away!" She said while looking away and blushing.
I put on a burst of speed. To my surprise, I somehow manged to catch up with her. I tried dropping my boxers over her head and into her hands, but as soon I as lifted it over her head and in front of her face, she starting panicking and started punching my arms. In my struggle, the front of the boxers got hooked onto her forehead, and the back of it slipped over the back of her head.
She was now wearing my boxers on her head.
Her nose and mouth were where.. where a certain organ had rested upon a few minutes ago.
Whoops.
"ACK! KAZUMA!"
KONOSUBA!
The five of us were now sitting together at a Guild table, eating our dinner of fried cabbage. Surprisingly, this was also very good. I guess if there's one thing that I could look forward to in this world, it would be the food.
"Say Darkness, you did very well back there!" Aqua complemented her.
"Yeah, I agree! You were very brave! Saving that party from those cabbages, not even I could have done that!" Megumin praised her as well.
"Eh?" she said, a light blush came to her face. "I just did what I had to do in order to protect those people." Darkness said.
"You were amazing too, Aqua-san! After the explosion, you went around and healed everyone, allowing them to fight again!" Darkness returned her compliment. "And Megumin, you were outstanding too! Your explosion magic was awesome! It tore a giant hole right into the cabbage swarm!"
"Aw, you're sweet, Darkness." Aqua said with a smile.
"You... you liked my explosion?" Megumin asked, blushing.
"Of course! I mean, just the way that it felt on my body was beyond this world..."
They were already getting along so well.
I was distracted from their conversation when Chris, who was sitting besides me, tugged on my shoulders.
"Hey Kazuma... are you going to accept Darkness into your party?" Chris quietly whispered in my ear so that she won't attract the attention of others.
"Hmm... I don't know. Maybe?" I replied to her, wanting to make it a surprise for her.
The truth was, on the way back to town, I had already decided on something.
Anyone who could walk away unscathed from Megumin's explosion was welcome in my party.
After seeing her in combat, I now realized her strategical value. With Aqua's healing and buffs, she could continuously tank attacks, while I could continuously damage the enemy. And then, if we needed it, we use Megumin's explosion, which should wipe out any enemies that was left.
I don't believe it. I was actually starting to like my party!
And I was talking about Darkness as if she was already in my party!
I guess there's no way to refuse her now, is there?
"You should totally join our party!" Megumin said to her.
"Well, that's not something for me to decide..." She raised her head and looked at me.
"Now then, let's try this again..." Darkness stood up.
"My name is Darkness, my calling is that of a Crusader. I'll admit that I can't seem to land any of my attacks, but please feel free to use me as a shield! Now that you've seen my skills in action, could I please join your part-"
"Yes. I'd be glad to have you on board, Darkness." I offered her my hand to shake.
"Ehhhh?" She blushed, looking at my hand, unsure of what to do.
She slowly extended her hand out to meet mine, but then suddenly drew it back again.
Damn it! It's not like I was asking you to marry me! Do you want to join the party or not? Don't make this any more embarrassing for me than it needs to be! Jeez!
Darkness glanced over at Chris. Chris gave her a reassuring nod.
Finally, she took my hand and shook it lightly.
"Thank... thank you." Darkness said. She immediately sat back down, looked away, and blushed heavily.
She was actually very beautiful, blushing like this. It was nice to see this side of her for once.
Chris spoke up, "Well then, have fun with your new party, Darkness! I wish you the best of luck! I've got some business in the capital to take care of tomorrow, so I'll be taking my leave now." She stood up to leave.
Wait...
"Chris, why don't you stay with us and join our party?" I offered her. "We'd all be happy to have you, right girls?" I looked at the trio.
They all nodded enthusiastically.
To be honest, I had hoped that by having a beautiful, kind girl like her join, she'd be able to keep me sane while I dealt with the other three.
"I appreciate the offer, Kazuma-san. But I'm a freelancer." She explained. "I offer my services to whichever party that needed them the most."
Oh... so that's how it was, huh?
"I really must get going now, Kazuma-san. I'll see you around. Take care of Darkness for me, will you?" She made a request as she opened the doors.
"Of course, she's part of my party now." I said, a bit dejected. "Take care on your trip!"
"Thanks Kazuma-san." She walked through the doors.
Then Chris looked back again.
"Through my years as a freelancer, I've been with all kinds of different parties. Many people like you have also offered to let me join their parties, but I always decline. Freelancing is what I do best, after all."
Why was she telling me this?
"But, if I had to choose a party to stay with permanently... I think it would be yours, Kazuma-san" She flashed me a beautiful smile that melted the night away.
"Take care, Kazuma-san. I have a feeling we'll meet again, someday."
The doors closed behind her.
I couldn't do anything else other than to stare at that closed door.
What's with this warm and fuzzy feeling in my chest? I've never felt something quite like this before. Could I be... Am I...
Am I in love?
Author's Note: Don't think about that last sentence too much. I thought that it was only natural for Kazuma to develop some feelings for Chris, considering that the fact that she was nothing but kind to him. I thought that sentence was a nice way to tie up the chapter. But worry not! This will be a Kazuma x Megumin fanfiction. In fact, I already have some wholesome scenes planned out for the next chapter! Stay tuned!