I can't even begin to express how grateful I am for having Debbie (@anistonrafferty / ff: paulsxnspecter) by my side. In a short period of time, she has made me brave enough to share this fic written in 2019.

I'm extremely lucky for counting on Aimee Valle (@AimeeValle1) for being my beta. She embraced me and this story, and also had to endure my fan outbreak. This story was already very important to me, but it became even more after Aimee's special touches. I loved every single suggestion.

Last, but not least: this is my very first fanfic in English, and I wrote it last year as a birthday gift to Lena (@lennnaxoxo). I would never forget it. You still are very special to me, lady.

The second Mike left the room, Donna's first instinct was to try and reach out to Harvey, but he pressed his fists so hard against the table on his left side closing his eyes that she immediately stopped and watched him carefully. She could feel his pain and for one second she felt afraid of ending up pushing him away while trying to comfort him, and then she reminded herself that they weren't those fools anymore, that he had already opened himself up to her, unafraid, countless times now. She filled her lungs with oxygen and stepped closer to him. Donna touched his face. When he felt her hand, his heart skipped a beat or two, his anger was dissipating at the feelings her touch caused him.

She was there and he didn't need to swallow all his pain and keep it to himself, he could just hold her and make the whole world stop spinning for a second. He brought her into his arms, resting his forehead on her left shoulder. He breathed in her calming scent while she was running her hands through his hair.

"He's just a jerk, you know!" – Donna said.

"But he was right." – Harvey completed.

"I hope you are talking about Samantha because..." – She cupped his face with both her hands and made him look at her. – "He apparently doesn't have a clue about who you are." – Donna was really upset with Mike. He bowed his head, grimaced, and Donna knew he wasn't convinced of her words.

"I should go to yell at someone." – He let her go.

"Harvey…" – Donna tried.

"I love you." – He didn't let her finish. He kissed her lips softly, grabbed his keys and phone, leaving the room suddenly.

She decided to keep her words to herself anyway. Harvey wasn't going to listen right now. He has been going through a lot already. All of them have been going through a lot. Donna was so angry but trying to manage it because she needed to think clearly for when Harvey come back. So, she texted Louis to go talk to the stupid kid.

A FEW HOURS LATER

By the time Harvey came back, it was pretty late and he found his love sitting by his couch with her naked feet up and drinking Macallan. Thank God I am lucky enough to have her by my side, he thought. She smiled at him offering her glass. He served himself another glass and sit on the couch by her side. She spread her legs and invited him to sit between them. When he rested on her lap, she hugged him lovingly, placing kisses on his face and shoulder, and entwined her fingers with his.

"How was the yelling?" – Donna asked in the middle of her kisses.

"Not good."

"I know you are mad at Samantha, and you…"

"I don't trust her anymore." – He interrupted her.

"How many times did Jessica think that about you?" – He immediately stared at her. – "Or how many times did you think that about Mike? Or even about me?"

"You have always been different Donna, and you know it."

"One: I know it now. I sure didn't know it back then. Two: Samantha doesn't deserve to be crucified, she needs her family calling her out on her bullshit and still being there by her side."

"I know Samantha is a female version of me, and it scares the hell out of me to be reminded of that."

"Hmmm, let's say she is a more complicated version of who you u-s-e-d to be." – Donna emphasized the word used.

They remained silent for a moment.

"Mike didn't even consider, he didn't believe me when I said I hadn't done anything. I can't stop wondering if I am so trashy like this?"

"No, you are not. None of you are. You know, Mike is no different. He is a younger you. So, you should know by now he didn't mean anything he said." – She stated and he didn't respond to that. She could realize he was not convinced.

"Harvey, look at me." – She took his chin and made him look at her. – "When you started, you were a jackass with most people, you were young and the scars life had inflicted on you were way more vivid than they are now. Yeah, you might have been complicated, but you have always been a good man. And now, you have grown up. You addressed a good part of your inner problems. And Mike... He is the one needing some grown up now."

Harvey turned a little sideways still in her lap, he wanted to look at her better and try to make his mind absorb her words.

"But he is also a good man, just like you. Don't take his words so seriously." – Donna finished kissing his cheek.

Harvey remained quiet. Donna could see that there was something else bothering him. Nothing related to what Mike had said to them on that failed attempt of dinner and drinks among friends.

"What else is bothering you?" – She got closer to his ears and whispered.

His girlfriend and her power of reading right through him.

"Nothing." – He said adjusting his body to her cozy lap again. He put his arms around the redhead's waist and closed his eyes, holding her thigh. It almost looked like he was afraid to lose her.

"Harvey." – He looked at her. His eyes were watering. She got worried. – "I know from experience that faking a smile is easier than explaining why you're sad. But we are no longer those people." – He just tilted his head in agreement. – "You know you can talk to me about anything."

"Mike said other things too. You know... When he arrived."

Donna kept watching him closely.

"Okay?"

"He mentioned Paula." – Harvey couldn't bear to face her when the words came out. The images flashing back on his mind.

Donna's bloodstream froze. They have never talked about that time and all the pain they had to face back then. Harvey could feel her skin going cold.

"He was mocking me and made me..." – Harvey was struggling to find the words. – "We have never..." – He stopped. – "I just..." – He was tripping over his words. – "Paula..."

Suddenly, Donna took her glass back from the little table next to the couch again and drank the rest of the whiskey in her recipient. She took a breath, then grabbed his glass back from the same place and drank the rest of his alcohol. He was staring at her without blinking once.

When she looked at him again, she said – "What? If we are going to talk about your ex-girlfriend than I need to at least prepare myself." – She chuckled but the smile disappeared the second she realized he wasn't relaxing with her.

Donna knew "the Paula subject" was a sensitive matter for her. She didn't expect to still be a problem for him. She has never voiced out loud, but what she felt when she was momentarily abandoned by Harvey; when he chose Paula over her; when he went behind her back and got her a job with Stu… She's terrified to look back. Everything that had happened just broke her so hard and she had overcome it. Alone. However, she has never overcome this with him, as a couple.

Before Mike throwing in his face all the stupid moves he made in the past with Paula and Donna, he didn't realize how serious it might have hurt her. He knew she felt it hard, but he didn't put so much thought into it. Paula looks more like a hallucination to him than a reality he needed to address with the love of his life.

"I'm sorry. I…" – Donna was about to start to explain her reaction.

"Donna." – Harvey started. – "After that kiss, I have probably hurt you way more than I have ever hurt you before." – He stared at their entwined fingers. – "We have never talked about it. And by your reaction, I believe we must address this pain..."

Donna looked away from him. She was already feeling her eyes watering, but she had to be strong for him. He had just argued with Mike. This isn't the time for her to collapse on him.

He breathed in and out a couple of times.

"Hey, baby." – He looked for her eyes, taking her head on both his hands and making her stare at him. – "Since Mike brought this up I have been so resentful at myself. I'm an idiot. I. Donna. I hate myself so much for hurting you like that."

Stubborn tears were already streaming down her face.

"Since I met you, I have been trying to feel the same way I feel about you with other women. I was so desperate to feel it with someone who wasn't you because I thought… we weren't meant to be together. So, I needed to find a meaning to my life that didn't revolve around you. And I led myself into transferring everything I felt for you to her. I've never really loved her. I have always loved the idea of loving you. And she knew it. I can see clearly now. She always knew I loved you, she always knew I was projecting my love to you on her." – He paused, and caressed her face, wiping some tears.

"And I did what I have always done best: I fucked everything up. And I hurt the only thing that matters the most to me." – He finished.

"Its okay, Harvey. I know you didn't mean to hurt me." – Donna finally said.

"But I did it anyway. And that's why I think so low of myself. I'm not worthy. And I don't want to hurt you ever again, and I am hurting you right now." – He closed his eyes while lowering his head.

"No, babe, no." – She started to outline his face with her index finger. – "Harvey, you are healing me… We are healing ourselves. Don't you ever say you are not worthy." – She gave a discreet smile. – "You are the love of my life."

"And I won't lie here and say that Paula's story doesn't hurt me anymore..." – She catches some air before continuing. – "It does. It is not you who hurts me, it's the memories of a sad situation. A situation that is in the past and we only have the rest of our lives to live now. Are we seriously going to waste it thinking and talking about her?"

Harvey was cleaning the tears out of her face while he released some of his own.

"You said you didn't feel anything when you kissed me. And I understand now why you said that." – His eyes were lost in that moment. – "Just so you know… I felt everything." – Donna smiled hearing his last words.

"Harvey, you have always shown the entire world how much you love me. Even my father knows that you would throw yourself in front of a train for me." – Donna smiled.

"You're damn right I would." – She put her index finger over his lips to prevent him from speaking.

"You have always been by my side. Protecting me. You have hurt me and I have hurt you. But through it all, we have always been each other's constant, each other's medicine. Life was safer and greater because I have always had you."

"Donna, I have met you and my life has been better ever since. I spent too much time loving you in silence, and you have witnessed the most unlovable parts of me. As I slowly unraveled each imperfection in front of you like a scar."

"And yet, despite all of this, I have loved you harder anyway." – Donna said.

Harvey couldn't even react. His eyes widened as he stared at her.

"Yes, Harvey Reginald Specter, I do love you."

"This is the first time you've said it." – With the hugest smile, Harvey points it out.

"Second time." – Donna says.

"When you were going to work for Louis doesn't count." – Harvey says unpleased.

"Why not?" – She responds with a funny grimace.

"Well, because you were going to work for Louis?!" – He said like it was obvious. – "It's almost the same as going to the circus. Or worse, you were basically going to your own funeral, which means that when you said you loved me, you were a person on your deathbed saying anything to try to save yourself." – Donna pinches him while laughing. Even though Louis and Harvey are great friends now, making fun of Louis was still Harvey's favorite sport. – "Donna, the guy goes mudding. Besides, what was that Harvard outfit we saw him wearing that day we went to tell him about us?" – Harvey scowled in disapproval. – "Seriously, how did you stand so long?"

"You are ruining my declaration of love. Don't ask for those three words so soon."

"Did you ever go mudding with him?" – Harvey kept asking, making funny faces.

"Harvey, stop it. We are having a serious conversation here." – Donna was trying not to laugh. She failed.

"If you did I will have to break up with you."

"Oh really?" – Donna dared him.

"No, but seriously. Did you?" – He laughed.

"I'm not saying I did. But I'm also not saying I didn't."

"OH. MY. GOD."

"What? After Oprah and Survivor, now you are going to confess to me that you also watch Friends?"

"Maybe, but that's not the topic of our conversation right now." – He said pointing his index finger at her while contesting.

"And that your favorite character is Janice?" – Donna said in disapproval.

"How the hell do you do that, woman? I was making fun of you, and you turned the table and now you're making fun of me." – He said as he gestured from him to her, and from her to him back.

"It's a Donna thing." – She said.

They both laughed and for a few moments, Harvey stared at her and said. – "Can you see what you have done here? Am I still sad about all of this shit? Yes. Am I miserable about it? No. You are the very best part of me. Thank you."

Donna felt her heart warm.

"And for the record, Janice is annoying. And I am way more like Chandler." – Harvey completed.

"Wait. Does that make me Monica?"

"Pretty much."

She tried to get out of his hands and he hugged her tighter, tickling her and kissing every part of her he could reach. They fell off the couch to the floor together. She managed to get away from him and ran around the apartment, so he cornered her and kissed her tenderly.

"So... you do love me." – He said with the goofiest smile on his face.

"Oh my God, you are so corny." – She said covering his face with her hands, pushing him away. He lightly bit one of her hands and wrapped his arms around her. She docked her legs at his waist, while he led her to the bedroom, so they could watch one of his favorite TV shows in the arms of one another.