This is a short silly story to take a little break from my original story. It' only going to be a 2 or 3 chapter story. Enjoy the silliness!

Never Ever

When my mom called and told me she was making my favorite dinner, I knew there was going to be a catch. When I walked in and saw Joe Morelli sitting at the table I let out an audible sigh.

Joe gave me an amused look. "She's doing pot roast and chocolate torte." He explained. He shrugged. "I didn't have food in." He reached over and poured himself a glass of red wine and at the table.

"Me either." I admitted, pouring myself a half glass. I was a cheap drunk.

Mom had got us both where she wanted us. I ignored Mom and gave Joe a kiss on the cheek. "You ok?" I said to Joe. "I hear you've been having a touch week."

"The week from hell." He agreed. "But I closed the case yesterday, so I've ended on a high."

I decided not to ignore the elephant in the room. I embraced the elephant. "How would Hannah feel about you being here for dinner?"

He winced a little. "I don't think she'd be thrilled. But I've been surviving on takeout all week. She's been on a course in New Jersey. I just wanted a home cooked meal; she'll get that right?"

I grinned. "Sure Joe, she will totally get you hanging out with your ex-girlfriend and her Mom. That's not weird at all."

My mom let a humph. "Hannah is a passing phase. Everyone knows you two are supposed to be together."

I glared at my mom. "We have been over this. Joe and I have been over for 4 months. 4 months! We are done. I don't know how else to say it."

My mom chewed this over for a minute. "Well, Mrs Morelli and I didn't expect this hiatus to last. We hired a hall for next weekend. It's all paid for. Even the catering."

I gaped. "You hired a hall? For what?"

My mom had the grace to look a little sheepish. "Your wedding."

Joe spat his red wine all over the tablecloth. "Well…Hannah's not going to be ok with that."

I snorted with laughter. And suddenly I couldn't stop. The ridiculousness of the situation just tickled me somehow. My mom had hired a hall with Joe's mom. They had even hired a cater.

Joe looked at me like I'd grown an extra head.

"You're not mad?" he asked.

When I got myself under control, I shrugged. "Nope. We can have a big ass party, thrown courtesy of our mothers. We'll call it a "Not Getting Married party". We can invite all of our friends and get really pissed, all on our mom's interfering dime. And to say sorry for their meddling ways, our moms are going to pay for the bar."

I glared at mom, daring her to argue.

She sighed a little. "You're definitely not getting married?"

"Never ever." I said slowly and clearly. "Is that clear enough for you?"

She sighed again. "£500 behind the bar, and after that you're on your own. And I get to invite my friends too."

"Deal. Now where's my chocolate torte cake?"

My mom looked at me scandalised, "You haven't had the pot roast yet."

"Torte cake. Now!" I gave her a Ranger glare and she scrambled off. This is why Ranger loved glaring. It was awesome.

While she was out of the room I grinned at Joe. "We're gunna have the best unmarriage ever."

He was grinning too. He gave me a high five. "You're an evil genius making them pay for the bar."

I snorted, "This is their mess." I snaffled my wine. "You wanna go get really drunk after we've eaten the cake?"

"You know what? That's just what the doctor ordered after this damn week."

Mom had made sure Dad and Grandma Mazur were out while she weaved her web, so the three of us ate a whole torte together. I felt vaguely sick but also a little satisfied. Joe and I excused ourselves, leaving mom with an entire pot roast to eat.

Joe rang his mom and gave her an earful, he also made her promise to pay for the bar. I climbed into his car and we cranked the engine over.

"Where to?" Joe asked.

I kind of wanted pizza, I need cheese after all that chocolate. Pino's was out. We wanted to get shitfaced.

"Shorty's." I finally said, "I could do with pizza after all that cake."

Joe laughed and agreed.

We parked up to Shorty's and we got our drink on. We weren't messing about. We had tequila shots followed by beer chasers. We'd had a pie between us. The radio was on. A tune came on and a light bulb went on.

"This!" I said to Morelli laughing. "This is our fake first dance."

He burst out laughing. "Yes Steph! Genius!"

We were drunk and finding ourselves hilarious as we plotted our unmarriage.

After our third slammer we had a serious moment. Joe told me he loved Hannah, he wanted to have her babies. He was worried it was too soon, but he wanted to ask her to marry him. I told him to go for it. I gave him a high five. I wanted him to be happy. I'd met Hannah twice. She'd been friendly but frosty. I couldn't blame her. I was the ex.

After about the fourth slammer we were singing and by the fifth slammer I felt myself getting sick.

"I'm gunna throw up." I said to Joe conversationally.

He grimaced. "I don't have to old your hair anymore." He pointed out.

I rolled my eyes. "I know that, it was just a general announcement." The eye rolling made my world spin. "oh boy." I put my head between my knees and tried not to throw up. A familiar pair of boots came into view.

"Hey," I said with my head still between my knees. "Ranger's boots are here."

Joe laughed like I was a comedian. "The whole of him is here Steph."

"Babe." Came the usual refrain. He sounded amused and concerned. Both good things I guess.

"Hey Ranger's boots." I said. "I'm trying not to vom on you."

There was a snicker I knew.

"Fuck off Santos." I said without looking up, "or I'll aim at you."

Joe was off again, laughing his ass off, he was a happy drunk.

I slowly pulled myself up to sitting.

Joe's phone rang. "Uh oh," He said. "It's Hannah." He frowned. "Should I answer?"

"Yes," I said, "you can't lie to her where you are or she'll think there's something to hide."

He nodded. "Total honesty. Got it."

Joe answered. "Hey honey, how are you? I'm a bit drunk. Really drunk. I'm pretty shitfaced. I've been having a drink at a bar with Steph. You know my ex? We've been having a good time."

"Oh shut up Joe. Stupid fuckface." I pulled his phone out of his hand. "He's drunk, ignore him. There's 4 of us hanging out." Technically true. "My mom pulled a fast one, she's hired a hall for us to get married this weekend. So we're gunna have a "We're never gunna get married party!" We think it will help our families realise that Joe is in love with you. He is so in love with you. He wants your babies." I reassured her, "he wants to marry you, like, yesterday."

"Steph! Fuckface!" Joe pulled the phone back. "Ignore her, she's drunk. I mean, I do want to marry you but I don't want to scare you. Obviously you're the best woman in the world. I think you're amazing, you're totally my soulmate, I-" Ranger pulled the phone out of Joe's hand.

"I'll see Morelli home safe." He said and he hung up. Ranger pocketed Joe's phone. "You don't drunk dial." He advised.

I started to laugh. Hannah hadn't said one word. Man Joe was going to have to do some crawling for this one.

"When I said be honest… I meant don't lie, not like, spill your guts." I teased Joe.

"You're the one who said I want to marry her and have her babies!" He grumped at me.

I rolled my eyes. "Well you do!"

"I was playing it cool."

I snorted with laughter. "I hate to tell you Joe, but cool isn't in your repertoire. If you want cool then ask Ranger for tips. He can teach you all about stringing a woman along."

Les let out a low whistle. Ranger's blank face was down. "What?" I said, "What did I say? I just mean he can do the mysterious macho crap really well. My lifestyle doesn't lend itself to relationships, you're a line item in my budget, my love doesn't come with a ring." I met Ranger's eyes boldly, "Did I misquote you?"

He shook his head once, but his eyes were on me, and they were a little dark and fiery.

"uh oh." I said, rolling my eyes. "I've made him mad. Now he's going to tell me I'm playing with fire and then do precisely nothing about it."

Joe was grinning. "I love you cupcake, I'm telling you in case you go missing to a stan tomorrow."

I shrugged. "He loves me, he just doesn't want me. So I'm pretty safe. Maybe he'll send me to Alaska or something. I'm sure Alaska would be cool."

Shorty came over with another tequila and beer round for me and Joe.

Ranger looked at me. "I think she's done."

I held his gaze, reached over and did both shots. Followed by the beer.

"I haven't thrown up yet." I said calmly, "So I'm not done." I was actually super proud of myself. I was hardly slurring at all. I couldn't feel my face or my legs, but I was managing speech ok.

I needed a wee. I pushed out of the booth. Carefully standing and trying to find my legs, like bambi. I took it one step at a time. I made it to the toilets ok, and suddenly a wee was secondary. I was going to throw up.

I opened the cubicle door and promptly knelt. I held on to the basin and started to heave.

Someone gathered my wild curls together, holding them out of the way. I knew who. I threw up and Ranger rubbed my bank up and down. "Get it all out Babe." He advised.

I didn't have much option in following his suggestion. I vomited until I was empty. I grabbed some tissue and wiped my watering eyes and my mouth. I chucked the tissue down the loo and flushed. I was still on the floor.

"I need to pee." I confessed to Ranger.

"Do you need help getting on the loo?" he asked calmly.

I considered it. "I think I'm ok. But I can't pee in front of you. Out you go. Turn on the hand dryer."

Ranger was looking amused. "Babe, I've bled for you, I've seen your whole naked body, I've been inside of you."

I pointed out. "Hand dryer." I instructed. That got me an almost smile.

He turned the hand dryer on. I did my business and I only nearly fell off the toilet twice. Finally I staggered carefully out of the cubicle to wash my hands. Ranger offered me a mint. I took it gratefully.

I turned to him. "I'm only pissy because you're the love of my life, you know that right? All that talk about Joe being out of my bed and you moving in. I'm still waiting Ranger. I hate waiting. You know I have no patience."

His smile grew. "Babe. Good things come to those who wait."