A/N

So Crash Bandicoot 4 has been announced, and yes, it is about wumpin' time. Certainly time enough to get me to drabble this up.

Masks

Right now, Coco Bandicoot wasn't sure what the bigger mystery was - why Aku Aku was eating ice-cream, or how he was eating ice-cream.

There were of course bigger mysteries, and being the most intelligent person on Wumpa Island (heck, probably the only intelligent person by her reckoning), she'd spent a portion of her life trying to figure them out. The mysteries of universe, the mysteries of life, and why the number 42 kept flashing up on her laptop every time she ran the equations. Also the mysteries of the Evolvo Ray, but that was beyond even her capacity to understand. For now, at least. But in the moment, the most pressing mystery before her was the subject of the tribal mask who'd somehow obtained a big tub of strawberry ice-cream, and was shoveling it down his non-existent gullet like there was no tomorrow.

"Um, Aku Aku?" Coco asked.

The mask paid her no heed. He was the only one in her house right now, and was acting like he had the place to himself. Oh sure, Cortex had returned, and Crash had gone off adventuring through time and space, snagging new masks while he did so, but that gave Aku Aku no right to set up shop like this.

"Aku Aku," Coco repeated.

Still no response from the mask. The spoon, hovering in the air, went into the tub of strawberry ice-cream, went out of the tub, disappeared into his mouth, and came out squeaky clean. Again, and again, and again, and a-

"Hey!"

Aku Aku looked at her.

"Am I interrupting?" Coco asked.

Aku Aku kept staring, and in the time that the silence allowed for, Coco came to the conclusion that she knew how Aku Aku was eating ice-cream. Obviously, his magic allowed him to use a form of telekinesis that gave him control of the spoon. But then, that didn't explain where the ice-cream was going, since he had no throat, or stomach, or, well, anything except a wooden face. Still, she figured she could answer the question of "how" later. Right now, she needed to answer "why." Why Aku Aku was eating a big tub of strawberry ice-cream, and why he looked ready to cry.

"You okay?" Coco asked.

"No. No, not at all," Aku Aku said.

Coco frowned. "As in, I'm not interrupting, or you're not okay?"

"Yes."

"That isn't an answer," Coco said. "Well, it is an answer, but it's a vague answer, and therefore not an answer, so-"

"Silence mortal, lest you incur my wrath!"

Coco blinked, as Aku Aku's voice changed. As his eyes got wider, the room got darker, and the floor started to shake.

"You dare question the wisdom of the mighty Aku Aku?"

Coco just stood there, staring. Wondering what kind of stick had got up Aku Aku's rear. And where that rear had gone. And why she was hearing the sound of hoofbeats, like four horsemen.

"Begone now, lest my mercy end like my patience!"

Or zebras, Coco reflected. It was usually zebras. Everyone knew the story of the Four Zebras of the Apocalypse.

"Are you still here?!" Aku Aku thundered.

Coco sighed. "Yeah, I am."

"Oh. Um..." The mask attempted to clear his throat, despite not having one. "Then...I..."

"Aku Aku, are you trying to out-uka Uka Uka?"

The mask remained silent. Light began to return to the room. The zebras decided they had better things to do.

"Because you suck at it."

Coco dared to grin at her own joke. But the grin faded as she saw Aku Aku's lips quiver.

Oh no. Please no.

She'd gone through this before when Tawna left her brother for that potoroo.

Not again.

And with that warthog who was jealous that it wasn't named like Polar and Pura were, and why everyone had forgotten about it.

I can't stand another batch of-

Aku Aku let out a wail and fell to the ground, howling.

...tears. Coco sighed, and sat down by the mask. "There there," she whispered. "There there."

To Aku Aku's credit, his waterworks hadn't lasted as long as her brother's once that floozy had abandoned him. The warthog's, maybe. But no-one talked about that warthog anymore. Not after the tribespeople of Wumpa Island found it and-

"So," Coco said, as Aku Aku returned to his normal state of hovering in the air. "Feeling better?"

"Much better, thank you," Aku Aku said.

"Yeah, you're not," Coco said. She collapsed into one of the hut's couches. "Go on. Spill it out. Sooner we get this over with, sooner I can stop thinking about warthogs."

Aku Aku's eyes widened. "Warthogs?" he asked.

Coco shuddered. "You don't want to know."

"Actually I kind of-"

"So!" Coco declared, reaching for her brainy specs, putting them on, and making herself all prim and proper. "Here's what we know - Doctor Cortex returns from the past, declares it's about wumping time that we have a rematch. He also makes vague comments about wrath, titans, and diminishing returns, but then again, it's Cortex, so none of it makes sense."

Aku Aku remained silent.

"So yeah, you and Crash go off, save the day, and find four quantum masks," said Coco. "Like, masks that can do more than provide protection or invincibility. Masks that are actually useful and..." She trailed off. "Aku Aku?"

The mask before her didn't say anything. But his lip was quivering, and he was eyeing the strawberry ice-cream. And with her own eyes widening, Coco suddenly realized what this was all about.

"Aku Aku," she smirked. "Are you jealous?"

The mask tore its eyes off the liquidated cow milk and returned them to the bandicoot. "Me? Jealous? Hah!" He leant his head back, as if to puff out a non-existent chest. "I am Aku Aku! I am the Guardian of Wumpa Island! I have been with Crash Bandicoot since the moment he washed up on that beach! If not for me, Doctor Cortex would have taken over the world long ago and-"

"Yeah, you're jealous," Coco said.

Aku Aku fell silent. "No I'm not," he whispered.

"Yeah, you are." She couldn't help smiling. "Poor Aku Aku. I-"

Aku Aku let out a wail and began to eat the ice-cream again.

Oh son of a…Coco tore off the brainy specs and bounced off the sofa. "Hey. Hey, come on!"

"Leave me alone," said Aku Aku as he continued to devour the ice-cream. "If Crash thinks those fancy masks are his new friends, let him! I don't care!"

"Yeah, you kinda do," Coco said.

"No, I don't."

"As the deuteragonist of this series, I beg to differ," Coco said.

Aku Aku looked at her, as if wondering what a deuteragonist was. Truth of the matter was that Coco didn't know herself. Or why one of the walls in the hut looked ready to fall down. Nevertheless, she knew it was up to her to play the hero, in a manner other than riding tigers around or flying planes.

"Come on," said Coco, patting the feathers on the mask's head. "Crash still needs you."

"No he doesn't! He hasn't summoned me in days!"

"Well, maybe if you didn't force him to smash a crate every time then..." Coco corrected herself. "Come on. How many TNT crates have you protected my brother from? How many stray arrows, or mutants, or goodness knows what else?"

"Nitro crates?" Aku Aku asked.

"Yeah, those too," said Coco, shuddering at the mere mention of those horrible devices. "And hey, you matched Uka-Uka in raw power last time. If you weren't there, and Crash had to take on Cortex and his mask all by himself, then who knows what state the world would be in?"

"Horrible," Aku Aku said. "Fire would rain from the sky. The earth would shake. Horses would roam the land in groups of four."

"Horses? Don't you mean zebras?" Coco asked.

Aku Aku gave her a look.

"Point is," said Coco, reminding herself that she was in the right, that zebras were indeed the heralds of the apocalypse, "Crash has his fancy quantum masks now. But he'll always need you in the end, alright? No-one can replace the Mighty Aku Aku."

"Yes," Aku Aku said, his eyes lighting up. "Yes...yes, of course! Yes! I am the Most Mighty of Masks! I am the Great Protector! I am-"

"Great!" Coco declared. "So since we've gone through all that, let's just put any megalomaniacal thoughts aside, and..."

The door knocked.

"...answer that." Coco walked over. Wonder who that is.

She glanced behind her, only to find that Aku Aku had gone. Maybe he'd been summoned by Crash. Or maybe he'd decided to conquer the world himself. Fifty-fifty chance either way, she reflected. In the meantime, the door was still knocking, so she had to deal with that first.

"Alright, alright," Coco said. "Geez, keep your pants on."

She opened the door, and realized that the creature before her wasn't the type to wear pants.

"Oh," said Coco.

It wasn't the type to wear anything.

"Oh," repeated Coco.

For what would one expect a warthog to wear? A warthog with pieces of fur missing, glaring at her like she'd tried to murder him?

"You, er, escape from the villagers?" Coco asked.

The warthog snorted and started walking towards her. Not even bothering to wipe its feet on the mat.

"Been awhile hasn't it?" Coco asked. "I mean, since my brother rode you, but then found Polar, and I found Pura, and the villagers tried to eat you, and-"

The warthog growled. In desperation, Coco reached for the only thing that might save her. The one thing that Aku Aku had left behind. The one thing that stood between life and death.

"Ice-cream?" she asked.