Azaka, Akiha, and Illya Walk into Ahnenerbe

a Nasuverse fanfiction by The Overlord Bear

Summary: One's been screwed, one's mellowed out, and one's actually blood-related.

Illyasviel von Einzbern was eating some omurice in Ahnenerbe when two girls took seats around her table.

"WHY MUST FATE BE SO CRUEL!?"

Now, Illya would have complained to the proprietors because of that noise, but what that crying girl said next made her put that plan on hold.

"Your brother's a horndog who ate you up already, while mine's a married man with a daughter! Her daughter looks and acts more like me, but she's still my rival's daughter, 'cause I know I never popped her out!"

Clearing her throat, Illya drew the attention of the two brocons around her. "Big brother troubles?" she asked.

"I found her crying outside," said the apparently brother-boned girl who wore a headband over a hime cut and eerily looked like Rin Tohsaka, "And while I would've asked her to shut up, I soon found her with familiar laments, so I decided to try being a good ear for her. I then found myself in a position more awkward than expected."

"But you're still a brocon, right?" Illya raised an eyebrow as she fired back at that closet freak.

"My Nii-san is adopted!" the closet freak shouted back, hair turning red.

"Still a brocon, Period Hair," Illya flatly replied. And then her and Period Hair's hair caught fire, which soon got extinguished by one of the cafe's sweating little waiters.

"That is not pure love, uncultured swine," growled the once crying girl, who now had a gloved hand wrapped in flame. She also looked like Rin Tohsaka, the added weirdness making Illya shudder some more, as she thought that Rin Tohsaka was the craziest girl she had ever met. "You're just a faker!"

And then Illya snickered at that. "My Onii-chan definitely won't date you there, then, Flaming Fist."

"Why even mention a man who isn't my Onii-chan, brat?" the purist brocon sneered, flames intensifying. "Are you here to brag about how he dodges jail time with that underage body of yours?"

"Did I say that I have a crush on him?" Illya sneered back, making Berserker's presence tower behind her. "He's a dense suicidal dummy with a crazy corrupting harem he had sex with so much, it's a miracle that he's not married and not a father yet. And I may be a pervert, but my standards aren't as low as the ones you two disgusting things have. If my Onii-chan, who's actually my younger adoptive brother, is both a lolicon and a siscon, then I'll really kill him this time, no torture included. Or my name isn't Illyasviel von Einzbern."

"Akiha Tohno," Period Hair replied, crouching into a battle stance. "That is my name, and by that, I vow to not let you slander the love my Nii-san and I have!"

"Those are some high-class names!" Flaming Fist looked down on the other two. "My name is Azaka Kokutou, then, and your hellbound foolishness shall make my obscure self and my purest love ascend to the heavens!"

"Illya! You're scaring the workers and the customers away!"

"AKIHA! FUCK ME!"

"Azaka..."

"Auntie sure is losing real hard, huh?"

Those familiar voices were enough for the three girls to drop their guard, and they turned to another table in the cafe, where the sources of those voices were. The first came from a redhead with amber eyes, the second came from a bespectacled guy with a plain look, the third came from yet another bespectacled guy with an even plainer look, and the fourth came from a little girl who also sort of looked like the third guy.

"Oh yeah, I forgot that I was with Onii-chan when I went here!" Illya beamed in realization, and then she sneered again. "And I dragged him here 'cause he was being such a whore again, so much that he caused this stupid cafe damages." Again, Berserker's presence loomed behind her. "So why are you slacking off with some stupid boys now, Onii-chan?"

"Onee-chan, it's only this Tohno guy who's stupid!" shouted back the little girl among the stupid boys.

And then Illya melted into a puddle hugging and petting the little girl. "Who's this cute little respectful girl? You deserve everything in the world!"

"I'm Mana Ryougi!" the little girl beamed back. "And I want to take Papa away from Mama!"

"Everything except things like that!" Illya added as she continued hugging and petting Mana. "Onee-chan's sure that you'll grow out of that eventually! Onee-chan sure hopes you will!"

"You sure have interesting sisters, Emiya-kun, Tohno-kun," Mikiya Kokutou smiled at Shirou Emiya and Shiki Tohno.

Shirou sighed at that and wore a sheepish smile, but as for the other...

"Do you want a taste of the Tohno Gland, jailbait?" Shiki Tohno leered and towered over Illya, who already moved and hid Mana behind her.

"Throw him out and rip his dick off, Berserker," Illya ordered as she glared at the creep. But before Berserker could even materialize...

"DON'T TOUCH MY LOVELY BROTHER'S LOVELY DAUGHTER!"

"I'M NOT STANDING FOR THAT ANY LONGER, NII-SAN!"

...he was thrown out by Azaka and then beaten up by Akiha.

And then there was a sigh of relief from Azaka, who then sobbed words like "Why must I deal with these conflicting feelings...?" onto the floor. Illya had ended up crying, too, going "Mana-chan's safe from that monster!" and all that.

"Thank you very much, Auntie and Onee-chan!"

The two protective ladies cried even louder at that, while their respective siblings laughed along.

""Wait, he's that creepy?""

Then Illya and Azaka facepalmed at a united declaration of idiocy from Shirou and Mikiya, a declaration that took the form of a delayed reaction on Shiki Tohno.

As for Mana, she just sighed and shrugged, followed by eating more omurice with a smile.

Author's Note: This was supposed to run around in circles and end with a mention of the three titular girls brawling, while those three protag boys were supposed to be in a separate fanfic, but revising this fanfic got me having this. So yeah. X"D