a/n: I went off trying to experiment with a different style of writing, but I don't think it worked out the way I wanted to.

Scars

-x-

So let's say that once upon a time, there was a girl - maybe she was sixteen. Maybe seventeen.

Her parents tell her that she ought to get married. Go on, get out of our house. You're too old to be living here with us. What, you don't know anybody of marriageable age? Fine. We'll set you up with someone. Neighbors are called, the word is out. A string of eligible bachelors line up, none of them rich, but that's okay, because she isn't either. There are sons of low ranking merchants, apprentices to blacksmiths, coal sellers, rice farmers. Because she's barely old enough to live on her own, and because no one tells her that this will be one of the most important decisions in her life, she decides to pick a handsome carpenter.

He's good looking. Most importantly, he's big. Big enough to protect her from anyone who might pick on her, 'cause she's small and tiny and well... short. She's always been short all her life. She wouldn't mind it so much if people stopped pushing her around like a kid.

Anyways, whatever. The story is, they meet, they fall in love, and he promises that he'll protect her forever. He makes her a pinky promise and that he'll swallow a thousand needles if he ever breaks it. She's got no reason to not trust him; after all, he's strong as an ox. He can hammer things and fashion things from his own hands.

He'll protect her, right?

They marry, and then she gets pregnant not that long after that. She's six months pregnant when she accidentally burns their dinner, and then he pushes her into the wall. He grips her neck so hard that she can't breathe, and she's half a minute away from suffocating when he finally releases her and then apologizes. He says sorry, I didn't mean to do, that, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. He lays his head on his ground and begs for forgiveness. And because this is the first time that's ever happened while they're together, she accepts his apology. They go out, and he buys her flowers to say sorry and then after that he takes her to an oden stand, and then they fill up on simmered tofu and vegetables, because the weather is getting a little chilly and well, it's too late to cook dinner again, right?

She looks out the window that night, and touches her neck briefly, before deciding to let things go. After all, he's made a promise - that he'll protect her, right? Looks at her round belly and thinks, it was only once. It won't happen again. After all, he was sorry. Put his head on the ground. Maybe she'd been short with him all day, maybe he let his temper get the worse of him.

He'll protect her, right?

First born son at the end of November; he's absolutely chuffed with him. Absolutely loves the baby, so much that he carries the little guy with him, to work - to show off to the other guys - hey, I've got a son! For some reason, he's got pale hair, but that's all right - he's such an adorable baby. Cute baby. Smart kid, too, knows when someone's talking about him. He's starting to crawl soon. Adorable baby.

The terrible twos start up and well, money's going tight. Her husband starts drinking, because he's starting to get a little stressed at work. The bridge this side of town collapsed all of a sudden. Two people have drowned in the river, and it's his fault. He built the bridge, after all. He goes into town and sees all his neighbors whispering, staring, judging. He can't take it. So y'know, he takes in the anger - brings it home. And maybe he hits her. Maybe it's once every three months if it's really bad, but - this isn't the same as actually killing people, right? The ghosts keep haunting him.

He still gets up in the morning and goes to work, though. That's all he does. Wake up, goes to work - maybe it's a new house, maybe it's a temple - who knows. He takes his pay, drinks it away, and brings barely enough for his pretty little wife and baby boy. She stretches her smile so far that she can barely tell the difference between rage and happiness. She makes sure she buys the cheapest bags of rice, the cheapest soy sauce in the market, the expired cuts of meat for New Years. She mends her kimono by the fire at night so many times that eventually some well-meaning villager passes her their second-hand fabric so that she'll have something new to wear in town for once - and she hates that she doesn't have the option to turn it down.

Then she says after two more years of this, I'm pregnant.

Fine. He quits the booze. For a while, things get better, and he turns his life around. New baby boy. New beginnings. Thinks, oh look, he's got a cute little mohawk. Wonder where that came from? Loves watermelon, can't get enough of it. And his older brother loves him. They play together and make their own little toys out of the rubbish in the streets. Some abandoned spinning top with a wooden spool on the bottom becomes their treasure. The scraps of paper thrown out from public schools they use to make a kite by mashing leftover sticky rice, gluing the pieces together like some Frankenstein monster.

But now there are three mouths to feed. He wakes up, works, tries his best to keep off the drink; knows that there are three people depending on him now. And god, aren't his boys the absolute best? So smart, so clever. And his pretty little wife loves them so much. She never raises her voice, never lifts a hand against them, just would never do anything to hurt them. They're the apple of her eye. It makes him feel guilty when he can't give them what they want. So guilty that eventually the drink lures him back and he starts screaming at them whenever they ask for things like a pair of new shoes, a new slingshot, or even ohagi for New Years.

His pretty little wife stands in front of him, her eyes challenging and confrontational. Don't hit the kids, she shouts at him. He doesn't like the way she looks at him like he's trash. Takes things into his own hands.

Then bam. She's pregnant again - he didn't plan for this, just happened. This time twins. Not more than five months later after they pop out - this time, she's expecting a boy. Year later, a girl. And all of a sudden, now he's got seven kids on his dime. Can't afford to get rid of them, and his wife wouldn't stand for it, anyway. Doesn't matter if their fucking clothes have so many patches that the villagers are now blatantly offering to take in the kids. He would let them, if it weren't for his wife.

At this point, he's gotten so useless, so depraved, so emasculated that even the sight of his oldest son, who doesn't greet him at the door anymore, who doesn't call him Daddy, who doesn't even look at him most days, is enough to send him into a rage. Fuck you, you don't know what it's like. Fuck you, you'll never know what it's like to kill two people without planning on it, and to end up in a place nobody wanted to be in. Fuck you!

Eventually somebody can't stand it anymore; they can't stand the village drunk making a mess of things every night. It was his fault, anyways; he picked a fight with the wrong guy! Nobody would miss him anyway, right? He dies by a stab near the left side of his chest, right in the heart. Didn't matter at the end how big he was - he went down like a bitch. Goddamn nuisance. Fucking coward.

Poor pretty little wife, all alone with seven kids to raise now. She does her best; barely sleeps three hours a day. When the day begins, she's a cleaner for the innkeeper, and by night she takes in the washing for the guests, lighting the gas lamp just to see in the dark. Sometimes her oldest son tries to help, but he's only twelve and he's gotta look after the kids.

Anyways, oldest son. Sometimes his little brothers and sisters call him 'Nemi for short, but most of the time they call him Onii-chan. He's their big brother! The guy who makes sure that when Mom's away, he'll solve their problems. If Shuya and Hiroshi tear their clothes, he's the one who sews them and makes them almost brand new. If Sumi loses her only hair pin, he'll walk with her all the way to town and ask everybody who passes just to see if anyone's seen it. Whatever happens, don't worry, Onii-chan will solve it. Onii-chan will save you, promise, and if he ever breaks it, he'll swallow a thousand needles.

Onii-chan, let's go catch stag beetles when the summer comes.

Onii-chan, let's steal watermelon from the farmers when the sun goes down.

Onii-chan, didja see that? Onii-chan, look here!

One day, Mom doesn't come back. Big brother goes out in the night, tells his little brothers and sisters to stay put. He goes to the usual inn to check up on her. Maybe the innkeeper has extra guests, maybe a little bit more than usual and that's why she's late coming home. He wouldn't mind that; maybe that means Mom can buy them some more food so that they won't have to sleep with aches in their bellies. Innkeeper says no, she's already left home. Fine, maybe she's just started heading home - not a big deal, it's happened once or twice before.

Innkeeper warns about the demons that lurk at night.

Eldest son, oldest brother, turns around and laughs. What the hell are you talking about? he says. Demons don't exist - they're just a fucking fairy tale. What, you think I'm five years old? I'm way too old to believe those stories that you tell kids so that they won't stay up too late. Who do you think I am, a fucking moron?

Innkeeper looks at him and says, wait here. Better protect yourself. Goes into the inn for a minute before returning with a machete. Hands it to the boy. Man oughtta protect himself, he says in that gravelly voice. Then he shuts the door in front of the boy whose got this machete knife - doesn't really know what to do with it until he decides he'd better go home. But still.

Boy doesn't believe in demons. Goes home, sees something in the dark. Skin prickles. And then, he realizes:

That's his mom, but this time, she's got fangs, claws, and eyes like a goddamn wolf. That's his mom, ready to rip out his throat, which has gone so dry he can't decide if he wants to swallow, or to speak, or to scream.

She lunges. He dodges. Mom, it's me. Sanemi. I'm your son! Can't you hear me? No answer.

Can't you fucking see me? he screams, trying to make her understand. I'm your first-born!

She can't even hear him, so lost she is in this new body and form that even her love for her children can't even overcome the true evil that all demons possess. When he dodges her, the door to their shitty house opens and he knows that this is bad, especially when Genya screams "THAT'S NOT MOM!"

Eldest son, oldest brother flings open the door only to see blood trickling onto the tatami mats, all leading from his siblings. Genya's still alive, so he tackles the kid out of the window - hoping against hope that he's going to be alive, because their mother is a monster and nothing is right anymore and nothing makes sense -

When he regains consciousness, he's aware that his mother is dead, and that she is crumbling away while the neighbors are starting to turn on their kerosene lights, and the only thing he can do is to stare, stare, stare at the knife dripping with her blood and the flesh wound on his forehead stings like it's gonna burn him alive. In the meantime, his baby brother is screaming murderer while sobbing over their mother, and the colors are starting to slide away like sand in an hourglass.

First, second, and third scar.

-x-

Let's say these fucking demons are alcoholics. Slash one's head off, they'll still lap at his blood on the ground - eldestson,oldestbrother - even as their bodies disintegrate like ash. But it buys him time, if in case he dropped his machete knife, or if he temporarily loses consciousness. It causes them to act drunk, which is why he slashes his skin when he feels like he might need some help and there's no backup nearby.

Fourth scar, fifth scar, sixth scar, seventh. They scab over and never heal properly, but he doesn't care.

Then another boy - black hair, with two scars on his cheeks - appears. He tells him to stop cutting his body up. And because he's only thirteen with nowhere else to go, boy follows this magnanimous prick, this fucking idiot who keeps on smiling even if he's lost his family to demons, too. They train together, and develop their Breaths. And for a while, the boy can smile if he's got pals around him. Sometimes he'll even drag him out to eat ohagi and drink green tea with the others. Friend tells him he reminds him of his younger brother.

You can call me Onii-chan, he teases him, right before Oyakata-sama sends them to a mountain far away.

It all goes to shit when Lower Moon 1 launches its final Blood Demon Art shortly before its head is slashed off and neither of them are prepared for the whiplash; it grazes the boy's chest in a jagged X, causing him to bleed. Another centimeter deeper and he'd be in deep shit.

Masachika? Hey, fuck fuck - what the fuck! You're bleeding - fuck - let me get the stitches -

No, 'm fine.

You're going to be fucking fine, ya hear me? Didn't you fucking tell me that the first one who gets to be Wind Pillar has to treat the other one out to dinner?

Other way around, 'Nemi.

Too much blood, it's flowing down like a flood and he can't stop it - he fucking tries, goddamn it, he fucking tries his best until its not enough - nothing isn't good enough - if only fucking Shinobu was here, with her medicines and potions and witchcraft - but she's not - and oh god, he's dying - and stitch him up, already! What the fuck are you doing, you fucking idiot? You goddamn meathead, you useless piece of shit - that's all you're good for, huh? Letting people die on your watch? You bastard. Goddamn it, goddamn it to hell!

It's okay, 'Nemi.

No it's fucking not, he sobs. It's not okay, it's never been okay, this will never ever be okay.

Eighth scar.

-x-

Girl with violet eyes, butterfly hairclips bandages his wounds with utmost gentleness the day after, right before walking with him to his first Pillar meeting, as if she thinks he'll crumble if someone pushes him too hard. Reminds him of his mother. She shows up at the graves as early as he does, and places food on Masachika's grave. Cleans it every month dutifully without fuss.

At first, he ignores her presence, but the fifth time they meet when she silently feeds the stray dogs outside Oyakata's estate as he pats them on the head, he spares a thought - at least she's a Pillar. Maybe it'll be harder for them to get her, compared to Masachika, compared to his mom, and the brothers and sisters who'd died without the chance to grow up.

Over time, he learns things. She's sixteen and a half, almost as old as him and Tomioka. Head of Butterfly Estate. She's lost her parents too - the same as him and all the other Pillars, and has two sisters she openly dotes on, one a magician with pharmaceuticals and biology, the other eternally silent, no matter what.

One day he picks a fight with her. Doesn't know why. Just happened.

If you really loved Shinobu, you wouldn't have allowed her join the Demon Slayer Corps.

She pins him to a wall; her strength both mysterious and intoxicating at the same time. How dare you, she snarls, revealing a genteel anger that most people don't get to see beneath all of that kindness and compassion. You can't control people's hearts, she says, once her anger subsides, but he's speechless, and she lets go of his shirt. If she wants to join, she'll join. It's as simple as that.

She turns her back on him to exit the premises, her cascade of hair leaving behind the fragrance of wisteria. But for once, he isn't angry. Thinks, she's strong, unlike him.

They go on missions together, once he's fully integrated into the world of Pillars; he finds that they are venerated and rarely seen by most Slayers. But even so, he never sees that ferocious side of her ever again; he thinks maybe it'd been a fluke. After all, she even prays for demons once she cuts their head off, and wishes for a world where demons and humans can be friends. But one day he accidentally steps on a demon's kimono, after another mission on Mt. Natagumo - and she points her sword at his neck.

They used to be human, like us. Her voice is even, although it conceals a quiet threat beneath her words. That same ferocity that he'd remembered ever since he questioned her love for Shinobu that day had came back in full force with a steely vengeance.

He takes his feet away. And he thinks he wants to kiss her.

So he does.

He wouldn't have had a fighting chance until now - what with his poor background, his handwriting a mess, with no pedigree to court such a girl from such a wealthy family - but here, where the ground is seeping red with his and her blood, they are equals. They've lost things that can't be replaced.

Her lips tremble, and she says, No.

He won't argue with her; and he knows her reasoning is sound, they head back to a Wisteria House without talking about it. A week later, she sits waiting for him to get back from a mission, in the Wind Estate, and they touch each other that night, with all the hesitance of teenage inexperience, because this is all they have now; they are alive, and the people they love are not. The next morning, she leaves before he wakes up - a sober reminder of who they are, of what they can afford, that there is no room for love, even if she happens to be the kindest Pillar during the meetings with Oyakata.

He convinces himself that this time, he'll be the one to die before her.

Then Shinobu, red-eyed and swollen, comes to the Wind Estate, and informs him that she's gone. Gone, as in burned to ash, dust to dust. A never ending nightmare that won't end. Only seventeen, he thinks, and curls his fist so that the nails cut into his palm.

It takes Himejima, Tomioka, and eight other Demon Slayers to stop him from completely destroying the Wind Estate in the throes of his inconsolable rage, and by then there's a long bloody gash running down his forearm which he doesn't bother bandaging until Himejima does it for him once he collapses from grief, silently asking for nothing.

Ninth scar.

-x-

His baby brother this time crumbles as a demon in front of him.

He sobs. He bargains with God. He pleads with the heavens above, to allow this lowly, ungrateful human being one more chance. Let him live, let him marry some simple-minded girl, let him reshape their family and make it whole again. Let the two of us eat slices of watermelon once more and spin wooden tops on the steps of our door. Or at least, let me die in his stead. Don't take away my brother, please!

But God does not care. God will not listen to his prayers. There are stitches on his stomach, and he can feel the pain of his fingers missing, but they remain incomparable with the last thing he had left. Eldest brother has failed to protect his younger brother.

Tenth scar.

-x-

His heart freezes. There is nothing left; he is hollow, his mind as marred as the skin he's in. When the Stone Pillar tells him to stand up, he is no longer Shinazugawa Sanemi, he is simply a shell of himself; he is and is not the Wind Pillar, he is and isn't eldest son, oldest brother. He is nothing but a flesh vessel, and he clings onto the hope of death. For there is nothing left for him anymore.

They walk into the void where Muzan is, where he fights like there is no tomorrow. Because there is no tomorrow.

Last scar.