The Thing About Love

Chapter 1:

Meredith Grey had just finished another long day at work. She had just seen her new nephew that had taken the nickname Scout, which had definitely brightened her gloomy mood, and now she was going home to see her beautiful children which she was sure would only brighten her day more. It was nearing seven o'clock, and Meredith hurried home wanting to be there in time to at least say goodnight to her kids. Sometimes she felt as if they resented her. They were down to only one parent and saw more of their aunts and uncles then they did of her sometimes. Added with her relationship with Andrew Deluca, and all the time she was spending with him, especially because of his mental ailments, she wouldn't be surprised if her children entirely resented her. She tried, she tried so hard, to be the kind of parent she had wanted when she was a kid. Most of the time when she thought of what a crap mother she is, she only missed Derek more.

Derek was paternal and loving, he was compassionate and wonderful with children. Ever since early in their relationship, she knew that Derek was going to make an excellent father, and he was. She hated that he never even got to meet Ellis, their little miracle baby. What she hated, even more, was that Ellis had asked her if Deluca was going to be their father one day. She hated that. Deluca wasn't paternal or fatherly, he was an immature and sick kid. She wanted to leave him so badly but knew that with his bipolar syndrome, he wouldn't be able to handle it. She felt bad that she was only sticking around because he was sick, she thought she loved him, she really thought. But she never felt a psychological and physical need for him, like if she wasn't near him she would die, that if she didn't run her fingers through his hair, or sniff in the smell of his aftershave, or draw tumors on the walls with him, that the world would come crashing down. She never felt for him, what she had once felt for Derek. What she felt for Derek was love, the purest and most beautiful kind of love, what she felt for Deluca simply wasn't.

She pulled into her driveway and entered her home. She was met with a chorus of "mommy!" and hugs. She hugged all three of her children and told them how much she missed them.

She washed up and joined them and Maggie at the dinner table. "How was school?" Meredith asked each of her children

"Good, I did maths." Bailey smiled

"Great mama," Zola said, "We learned about ecosystems."

"Wow, that's awesome," Meredith replied

"My teacha' shaid dat we are having a daddy day and a mommy day when day and they tell us what dey do fow work." Ellis babbled

"Oh, when is that Ellie?" Meredith asked

"I dunno, but one day is for daddies to come and one day is for mommies."

"Oh," Meredith breathed, thinking of the events that she was never aware of when Zola and Bailey were in preschool

"I can come in if you want Ellie," Maggie said as she tried to ease the mood

"Can uncle Jackson or Dewuca come for daddies day?" Ellis innocently asked

Meredith's jaw lightly dropped, she cleared her throat and replied, "I'll ask uncle Jackson, we'll see."

Meredith stared down at her plate silently, and her hand vigorously rubbed her forehead.

"Tell us what you learned about ecosystems, Zola." Maggie chirped in, to change the subject

Meredith lifted her head and looked at each of her innocent children in despair, but mostly thought of her Derek, her Derek that would be able to make everything okay. More than okay, he would make everything extraordinary, and he'd get to tell Ellis's classmates how he poked around in brains. They were supposed to be extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart. Life without him was simply ordinary. She thought about when she told him, she could live without him, but honestly, she couldn't. She knew the death of her husband had changed her, but she had never given much thought to the fact that her eyes didn't sparkle anymore, or her smile wasn't as lively, and she never giggled like a little girl anymore. She couldn't live without him. But the broken shell that was left of her could.

Derek Shepherd was on a mission. When he was first forced back to the NIH, they gave him simple and impersonal updates once a month on Meredith and his children. Unfortunately, those updates stopped six months in. He hasn't heard of or seen Meredith Grey in the last five years, yet she consumed is every thought. He thought about her lavender smelling hair, her gorgeous green eyes that had little golden flecks when she stared into the sun, her plump lips that felt so good to kiss, her melodic giggle that made his knees go weak, and their two beautiful children. Whenever he wasn't thinking about Meredith, he was thinking about his children Zola and Bailey. He remembered every birthday or significant day, and those were the days that convinced him to push through. He thought about how big they must be, Zola would be almost eleven, and Bailey would be around eight. He hated himself for missing out on so much of their young lives, but he knew he wasn't the one to place all of the blame on.

Roughly five years ago, when he had finally reconciled with Meredith and decided to quit his job at the NIH, things had taken a turn in D.C., The Brain Mapping Initiative was failing already without him, and the people in charge knew they wouldn't succeed without him. They had sent a paid doppelganger to die in a car crash and convince everyone it was Derek. All of Derek's friends and family had easily believed it, and people from the NIH were thrilled, well... everyone except for Derek. He knew all of his family and friends thought he was dead, but that didn't mean he would stop fighting for them.

He had recently finished the final protocol for the B.M.I., due to his constant working over the past five years, and was going to be released by the government, now that he finished his service. He was given a pathetic packet on advising him what to do with his life now and crap advice on forgetting about his family. He didn't listen to one syllable of it. And now, he was on a mission. A mission to return to his family.

He was being released today, and couldn't be more thrilled. Over the past five years, he had been devoid of hope, that he'd ever get to see his beautiful wife and kids ever again, but today, today there was hope. Hope. And that was all he needed.

His head officer led him out of his dormitory and took him outside. There a black Lexus was waiting for him.

"This is yours," the officer muttered, "everything else you'll need is in the trunk, you're free to go."

"I'm free?" Derek gasped

"Yeah, for now, until they need you for something else."

Derek gulped, and his breath catches in his throat. He decided to ignore the officer's words and focus on his hope. He approached the car and opened the unlocked trunk. He saw a box filled with some credit cards, keys, his real driver's license (not the faked on used in his "accident"), and more miscellaneous items.

"One of the cards is the payment from your work here, and another is a courtesy ten grand." The officer mumbled

Derek took the cards and keys and placed them in his pocket, and the officer handed him the keys to the car.

"Good luck." He said

"Yeah," Derek muttered with vicious hostility, ready to get out of there as soon as he could

He hopped into the car and took a minute to readjust to the feeling of driving, something he hadn't done in five years. He fiercely gripped the steering wheel and rode off as fast as he possibly could. Once the familiar feeling returned, he took full advantage of it. Before he knew it, he was back to his old speeding ways and chuckled at the remembrance of how much Meredith hated his speeding.

Within a few hours, he was in West Virginia and following where the wind was taking him, trusting it would take him back to the love of his life. A few hours more and he found himself on a random highway in Tennesse. He rolled the window down, and let the wind blow through his long hair. The NIH allowed for haircuts every six months, and his hair was exceptionally long considering he hadn't gotten one in eight months. By the time he reached Texas, it was nearing nine o'clock. He figured the night was still young, and wouldn't stop driving until he absolutely had to. Around three a.m., he was almost at the border of Arizona, and decided to call it a night, and camp out in the car for a few hours. To lull himself to sleep, instead of thinking about his wife or kids, as usual, he thought about the fact he was near Arizona, which reminded him of Arizona Robbins, and everyone else back in Seattle he couldn't wait to see.

Meredith put her kids to bed, kissing them all, and reading stories to Ellis and Bailey, while Zola read to herself in her room. Once they were asleep, and she bid goodnight to her sister, she trailed to her room and fell on to her bed. She tried desperately to fall asleep but instead found herself lying on her side, facing Derek's side of the bed- or what used to be Derek's side. She missed the way she used to fall asleep to the steady beat of his heart, or the way he spooned her and held her close in his protective arms, or the feeling of him breathing on the back of her neck. She missed him. No matter who she tried to fill the hole in her heart left by Derek; Thorpe, Nathan, Deluca, no one could. And she missed him.

As hours passed, she began to grow weary. She was tired, but couldn't fall asleep. As a surgeon, it bewildered her, the one thing she always knew how to do was sleep. Anytime, anywhere. She sighed, and rolled around the bed, careful not to intrude on Derek's side. Finally, before she was able to pull her own hair out at her restlessness, she turned on her lamp, got out of bed, and approached her dresser. She opened the second drawer from the top and pushed away some clothes. She revealed Derek's ferryboat scrub cap, and their post-it. She took them into her hands and got back into her bed. She first studied the scrub cap with her nimble fingers. She ran her fingers over the textured fabric, and pulled the cap to her nose and could almost smell his manly scent. She studied the cap further and then thought of Derek's thing for ferryboats. She had never understood it at first, but now, she understood his thing for ferryboats. The simplicity, the beauty, and purity, of the wind and sea coming together. She thought that maybe she and Derek had once represented the wind and sea coming together, their love and the conjoining of them, which brought simplicity, beauty, and peace.

She placed the scrub cap on her nightstand and then brought her attention to the post-it. Their simple yet crazy post-it. Yet, it was the essence of their relationship. Not that their love was similar to a little blue piece of paper, but the commotion and craziness, all blown over by their love, which made it simple and plain. It felt like yesterday they were in the resident's lounge, writing their wedding vows on a blue post-it from Cristina. The words they shared that day rang in her head, still fresh and new.

-What do we want to promise each other?

That you'll love me even when you hate me.

-To love each other even when we hate each other.
No running. Ever. Nobody walks out no matter what happens. What else?

That we'll take care of each other, even when we're old and smelly and senile. And... if I get Alzheimer's and forget you...

-I will remind you who I am, every day.

This is forever. At least it was supposed to be.

She recited the conversation in her head a few more times and studied the small piece of paper several more minutes, before propping it on her nightstand and finally falling asleep.

At around six-thirty, Derek awoke. He had gotten used to little to no sleep, due to his extensive work at the NIH, which prevented him from sometimes getting more than a few hours of sleep. He couldn't even remember the last time he had slept over seven hours. Despite being on the road for over twenty hours, and getting barely over three hours of sleep, Derek was fully energized and ready to go. He was nearing fifty, but his demanding work and grueling hours at the NIH kept him in close to the best shape of his life. He had put on a built of muscle and bulked up, which would've made Mark very happy since he was teasing him to get some muscle ever since he was a scrawny teenager. He thought about Mark a lot, Lexie too, whenever he thought about Meredith, they neared his thoughts. He could only hope they were both looking after Meredith and his kids, or maybe he knew. He also hoped his father was up there watching over everyone, and maybe even George O'Malley was too. He tried to distract himself from thinking of those he's lost, knowing it was better to focus on those he was coming back to.

That was all that kept him going. It was all that had kept him going for the last five years. The hope that he'd get to hear Meredith's giggle again, or watch Zola's dance recitals, or play baseball with Bailey. He held onto it and didn't give up for anything.

He started the car and soon made it into Arizona. Summer was approaching, and the heat was beginning to seem unnerving. Of course, Derek was trapped in well air-conditioned rooms for five years so he was going to take it. He missed the outdoors. He missed his house in the middle of the woods. He missed everything. Anything he thought about, made him miss home, and all the people there. So, instead, he focused on the warm May air that blew across his face as he raced along the high way at eight in the morning.

Around two o'clock, he was in Malibu, California. He was hungry, and needed gas, so he decided to make a stop at a gas station and get some food there. He grew more accustomed to junk food during his time in D.C., which of course only reminded him of Meredith. He decided in her honor he would get a grilled cheese sandwich, maybe even a cold one. He filled up on gas, at first struggling to remember how to, and fumbled with the credit card he was given. Finally, he went inside the convenience store. The store strangely reminded him of the store which his father had owned, which brought back not so pleasant memories. The only people in the store were the employees, of course, himself, and a man with an Australian accent with a middle eastern looking child. He was looking at some pictures of the beach, lined up on one of the counters, and suddenly the man approached him.

"The view, it's spectacular, you never grow accustomed to its beauty no matter how long you live here." He said, his thick accent showing

"Yeah, I've only ever been to a beach a handful of times, but these views, they're really extraordinary," Derek replied

"Yeah, they are." Riggs agreed

"I'm thinking of maybe taking one with me."

"Ah, where ya headed?" Riggs asked

"Seattle, I've been gone too long," Derek responded

"Seattle really?"

"Yeah, why the face?"

"I was in Seattle not too long ago, working there."

"Oh, yeah, it's a great city, despite all the rain, what were you doing there?" Derek asked

"Oh, working at a hospital, I'm a surgeon," Riggs said

"Really?" Derek asked

"Yeah, Grey Sloan, it's a great hospital."

"I know, I'm kinda headed there."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"What?" Derek shockingly asked

"Oh, I just assumed you're sick," Riggs said

"No, no, I also am a surgeon."

"Oh, what are the odds." Riggs laughed

"Yeah."

"Well, if you happen to see Grey, give her my best."

"Meredith?" Derek asked

"Yeah, we were good friends."

"Oh," Derek breathed

The young boy called for the man, "Well, guess that's my cue to go, nice meeting ya'."

"Yeah, nice meeting you..."

"Nathan."

"Nathan, okay," Derek offers his hand, "Derek."

"Derek?" Nathan sputtered out

"Yeah?"

Nathan took a deep breath, "When you see her, a knock at the door, tell her you forgot your keys, and you're sorry you've been gone so long." He then almost inaudibly murmured to himself as he walked away, "Some dreams do come true."

Derek looked at him confusingly as he trailed off with the young boy. Derek purchased his grilled cheese, and recited in his head, a knock at the door, tell her you forgot your keys, and you're sorry you've been gone so long.

Derek took his grilled cheese and bought one of the pictures and on the back wrote Nathan's advice. He passed a mirror and saw his stubble covered face and decided to also buy a razor. One thing the NIH had at least allowed him to do was shave, but he had to take a long psych test to make sure he wouldn't try to harm himself. After he gulped down his sandwich, he went to the store's bathroom to shave. Once his face was smooth as a baby's bottom, the way Meredith had liked it, he returned to his car with his picture, and set off on the road.

Nearing nine o'clock, he reached Sacramento. It felt surreal to know that every second, he was getting closer to Meredith, to his kids. It definitely made the drive seem shorter. While stuck in traffic, or if he became bored while driving, he would often do some of his old favorite things, especially things that weren't allowed at the N.I.H., he listened to his favorite Clash songs, he picked up some coffee ice cream to eat and got an audio CD of Ernest Heminway classics, which were his favorite books.

A little after midnight, he made it to the border between California and Oregon. He rolled up his windows and called it a night. He thought about the fact that this time tomorrow, he'd be reunited with his family, and that easily brought sleep.

Meredith awoke the next morning to the knock of her door. She couldn't remember the last time someone barged in on her that was over the age of ten. She opened the door, which revealed Jo.

"Hey," Meredith said, while Jo simply trailed to her bed and plopped down on it

"Are you eventually going to talk to me, or are you just going to come into my home unannounced every few days?" She asked while Jo covered herself under the comforter.

"There's nothing to talk about, my husband left me for a woman that left him ten years ago," Jo muttered

"Jo, there's a lot to talk about." Meredith insisted

"Nope," Jo replied as she brought the covers over her face

"Fine, I'll talk to you, if you talk to me."

Jo slowly removed the covers from over her face, "You go first."

"Okay, well I miss Derek. Like unhealthily. Like all I can ever think about is Derek, and I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't talk to my kids, I can't do my surgeries without getting distracted. I just think about Derek all day every day."

"What about your boyfriend?"

"I don't know what to do with Deluca. I thought I loved him, I really did. I just think I convinced myself that because I needed to fill some hole Derek left. But I can't leave him, he's sick, he's in a mental institute."

"If I were him, I'd want to be left, I wouldn't want to be an obligation," Jo muttered

"Are you saying that to support me, or help your case."

"My motives don't matter."

"Okay, but now it's your turn to bitch and moan and talk."

"I'm sad that I was left by the man I love. And I'm mad that he left me." Jo said

"Good, you're expressing your feelings, that's good."

"None of this is good, Mer. We can pretend it is, but it's not. You miss your dead husband, and I miss my estranged husband. None of this is good." Jo replied, and once again buried herself under the covers

"Fine, this is crap, life is crap, love is crap. You know I've never seen a real, long-lasting happy ending marriage or couple." Meredith said

"Wow, that really makes me feel better."

"No seriously, every couple I've ever known ends with death or divorce... or both."

"What about Ben and Bailey, and Amelia and Link."

"Well, Ben and Bailey's marriage is kinda falling apart, and Amelia and Link, my bet is one of them dies, that's how the story always ends."

"Meredith!" Jo scolded

"What, are you gonna deny it? It's how every relationship ends, there's no such thing as happily ever after, no one get to die in the love of their life's arms when they're one hundred and ten, it's all crap."

"Maybe it's easier to believe happy endings exist, that there's something that's worth all of this," Jo whispered

"Maybe," Meredith said

The ladies sat in silence a few moments longer, before Meredith asked, "Are you off today?"

"Mhmm." Jo nodded

"Well, so am I, so we are going to do something today." Meredith declared

"Okay, what are we going to do?"

"We can just ride the ferry, all day."

"All day?" Jo asked

"Yep, now come on, help me get the kids ready," Meredith said

"No, I am not riding on a ferry boat."

"Jo, I get that you got married on one, and now you're divorced, but maybe we just need to go see the beauty of the wind and sea coming together," Meredith replied

"Why are you going all shrink on me?"

"Fine," Meredith muttered, "Derek had a thing for ferryboats, and now I wanna go on one, and I have to bring you along, otherwise you'll be buried in my covers all day."

"Like a fetish, he had a ferry boat fetish?" Jo chuckled

"Not the point," Meredith threw a pillow at her head, "Now get up!"

"Alright, alright, let's go ride ferryboats because your dead husband had a thing for them."

Within the hour, Jo, Meredith, Zola, Bailey, and Ellis were on the ferry. The Saturday commotion wasn't as bad as usual, and Meredith let Zola and Bailey have some independence. Meredith was leaning over the railing, breathing in the salty air, and watching the wind meet the sea. Ellis trailed over to her and asked to be picked up. Meredith picked her daughter up and rested her on her hip. She occasionally looked at Ellis, especially her expressions which Meredith admired were so similar to Derek's. She had the same cheeky grin, that lit up any room she walked into, and the same beautiful blue eyes that sometimes sparkled. She also inherited Derek's chattiness, and never shut up. Along, with his horrific taste in music. But thankfully she hadn't gotten her dance skills from Derek. They rode the ferry boat a few hours more, and finally took an hour lunch break, and then resumed. Meredith felt good to be on the ferry, of course, it brought back many memories, and if her kids weren't there she'd be hysterically crying, but she felt at peace. With Derek. With ferryboats. With life. And sometimes she could even feel his presence like he was riding right next to her. That was definitely the best part.

Derek awoke the next morning around half-past seven. It felt good to not be awaked by obnoxiously loud alarms, and even better to get so much sleep. He rode to a grocery store and picked up some food to last him the rest of his ride. Once he loaded the groceries in the car, he was back on the road. By one o'clock he was in Portland. Everything felt so real like there was opportunity and hope, and he reveled in the feeling. He had just under three hours before he was back in Seattle. Back with his wife. Back with his kids. Back home. In a half-hour, he was officially in Washington. He played some more Clash music and ate the foods he bought at the store. Everything was suddenly coming together, and Derek felt he could almost smell Meredith's lavender-scented hair. He was so close.

Unfortunately, around three o'clock, when he reached Olympia, he got stuck in nasty traffic. But Derek wasn't letting anything get in his way. Nothing about today was bad. He simply listened to the audio version of The Sun Also Rises, and relaxed in his car. He was in Tacoma around four-thirty and expected to be in Seattle by five.

As expected, he reached Seattle by five o'clock, and by five-thirty he was on a ferry. He had missed the feeling of riding a ferry boat, it was always when he was most at peace, and it was the easiest place for him to think. Ever since he was in his teens, he found a certain calmness to being on a ferry boat, he couldn't quite explain it, it was just there.

When he had first came to Seattle, to start a new life. He had three really good things, that made him get up every morning, and force himself to forget he found his wife and best friend in the throes of passion. Surgery. Meredith. And ferryboats. Meredith really was like a breath of fresh air. Like his entire life, he had been slowly drowning, and finally, he got to take a breath, come to the surface, see beyond the dark waters. She was truly the light of his life, of course, his children as well, but Meredith, his Meredith had forever changed his life the second he saw her in Joe's bar. Her smile, her giggle, the sparkle in her eyes. Her tiny ineffectual fists, or her bossiness. Her brilliance and compassion. He loved everything about her. And he would see her soon, but for now, he had to focus on the ferry boat and driving to their dream house in the woods. Around six, he got off the ferry and tried to remember how to navigate through his forty acres of land. At six forty-five, he made it to the house. It looked fairly empty, and there were no cars around. Derek quickly grew apprehensive. He approached it and looked through the windows, there were no signs anyone was even living there. He turned around and scanned the land for his old trailer, and couldn't find it either. He tried knocking on the door, but no one answered. He didn't have a phone and had no way of figuring out where she was.

He sat down on one of the deck chairs and admired the view for a few minutes. It felt like it had been forever since he had last seen the beautiful Seattle landscape from here. It felt like yesterday when he had brought Mark and Richard out here to show them where he was going to build his and Meredith's house. The view was just as beautiful as it had been then.

When he decided he was done looking at the view, he trekked back to his car and decided to go to the hospital. On the way, he bought a hat and some sunglasses, he didn't want anyone to be able to recognize him.

Around eight o'clock, he was at the hospital. He made it to the surgical floor and immediately recognized many nurses and surgeons. He recognized Owen Hunt, sitting alone in a corner clearly upset, Derek decided not to approach him, otherwise, his cover would blow. He then saw Teddy Altman and a man he definitely knew from a conference. He saw a bunch of scrambling interns and residents and noticed many surgeons that used to be part of his department. He tried to find a nurse that he didn't know, so he could ask them to page Meredith. Finally, he found one named Tracy.

"Hello," Derek said, "could you please page Dr. Meredith Grey for me?" He asked

"Oh, she's off today, probably with those cute kids of hers." The nurse replied

"Oh..." Derek breathed, "What about Shepherd, Amelia Shepherd?"

"She's on maternity leave, she won't be back for a while."

Derek's eyes widened behind his sunglasses, his baby sister has her own baby?

"Um... Karev?" Derek asked

"Stopped working here, that poor wife of his, he left her for his ex."

Derek swallowed and took a deep breath.

"Okay, I guess I should go then..."

"Have a good night sir," Tracy responded

Derek went back to the parking lot, into his car. He sat down, and face fell into his hands. He tried not to give up hope and decided to go to Meredith's old frat house next.

He was there within twenty minutes. He saw the house was fairly illuminated, and there were children's toys and bikes outside and neared the house. He walked up the steps, past the porch swing, and to the front door. He took a deep breath to calm his nerves. he was definitely nervous. He had no idea what Meredith's life was like now. He heard a rumor that she won a Harper Avery, and wasn't surprised at all. But what if she had moved on, remarried, had someone else's kids? He couldn't blame her, she thought he was dead. What were his kids like? Were they going to hate him? He took several deep breathes, to prevent himself from hyperventilating with apprehension. He took off his sunglasses and hat and placed them on the porch swing. He took all the courage within him and knocked at the door.

Derek heard someone from inside yell at someone to go to bed, and no one was coming to the door. He knocked again and recited Nathan's words inside his head. Finally, he heard footsteps approaching. The door opened a few inches, not enough to reveal who was on either side, and the person from the inside muttered, "Who the hell comes to people's houses at this hour?"

Derek smiled at Meredith's words and waited for her to open the door all the way.

The door came open, and Derek said, "I forgot my keys, I'm sorry I've been gone so long."

The thing about love, it has no limits.

A/N: Okay here's chapter 1! This is a season seventeen story, that happens to involve Derek. I obviously don't know what the season is going to be like, but I won't be including corona at all, this will mostly just be a MerDer reconciliation. I'm currently writing another story (A Young Love) check it out! And that story will be getting more attention from me than this one. But f you guys like this story and the concept, review, and let me know. I won't be posting unless each chapter gets five reviews, because I don't want to spend time on something if people aren't as interested. So review and let me know what you think! Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed this story so far. Read. Love. Review.