Not in the conservatory with the lead pipe

"Bad elf Kreatcher not be answering master black anymore" Dobby said, turning away from Harry to look at Sirius as he spoke. Holding the bloody knife for all to see he said in a voice that was fierce despite being high pitched and squeaky "Dobby cuts off his ears when he catches him being behind Harry Potter sir's Hermione's couch with this knife, bad elf will not be with his family ever again" to anyone that has ever met a house elf, it was clear that this was the elvish equivalent of damning his immortal soul.

Harry's cheerful call of "Cheers mate, good looking out" as he pulled his food close and began to eat stunned everyone. Even Harry Potter who had done more, and more dangerous things in his four years in the wizarding world couldn't be this jaded to violent death.

Hermione let out a long suffering sigh, "eat your food" she told Harry, turning to Dobby she slid from her chair and knelt in front of the elf, "thank you Dobby. " She said simply, her genuine and heartfelt words coupled with a hug nearly had Dobby in tears of happiness.

"Anything for Harry Potter sir and his Hermione" Dobby answered through his tears.

" We can talk about that later" Hermione's smile was both comforting and gave a hint of secret promises to come.

It was quite some time before most would have their curiosity satisfied to the point where they could sleep, and take their leave, but one by one the kitchen emptied. All but Tonks, Sirius, Hermione and Harry. The four sat in silence, each with a fresh bottle of butter beer courtesy of Dobby, as Hermione penned a letter. When the letter left in the claws of Hedwig Tonks tried to find out what Sirius had done to allow Hermione to control the family wards.

A/N #1

do you know how hard it is to come up with the name for a government sanctioned death squad disguised as a police threat response team with the initials R.I.B.I.T.? (Relevant to British cinematography)

#2

this chapter is incomplete until tonks decides what she's going to do.

#3 the end

With Dobby now bonded to Harry by a simple but unbreakable vow, Dobby could now do business on the greatest master Harry Potter Sir behalf, so with the letter written by Hermione asking everything about ancient treaties and loopholes hidden in millions of pages of legalese that legally and magically emancipated Harry and elevated him to a Lord of three most ancient and most noble houses, with full access to vaults full of gold and forgotten magics. Oh it also magically engaged them so she could access everything too, this was irreversible but they were cool with it. After a shopping spree that included at least 3 magical stores and one muggle one for fancy muggle suits to show off to his aunt and uncle how rich he is, he has a priority appointment with the goblin healers who never share the secrets of their magic with wizards, but it's cool because one of Harry's ancestors gave the goblins gold and family land to start their bank with, and the king of all the goblins on earth lives in the London branch and knows this. When the king finds out that the kidnapper Albus Dumbledore, had been stealing from THE priority customer he beheads the goblin trader who helped him, tore up the illegal marriage contract with clauses like, all worldly possessions to the mother of the bride upon death. The goblins heal every boo-boo Harry ever had and remove his skull friend. They are so grateful to help Harry, they offer him centuries of training in one afternoon in their time bubble room. Exiting the bank as magical sex gods they run right into Tommy himself leading a raid on the alley and put their new ninja Merlin skills to work injuring everyone so they can't escape but still witness the fall of their dark lord. After disarming Voldemorts with a lumos charm, because their new powers make fighting him that easy, they explain how it was all down to the helpful but misunderstood goblins and Lily Potter's ability to plan everything perfectly from beyond the grave. Instead of casting spells, Harry and Hermione kiss, the backlash from their now complete soul bond rips the evil soul right out of the fake body he created, and burned it to ash. All across England 5 more screams were heard as evil died a final death. The end.

Years later. It was a good thing he was still good enough at quidditch to get time off for the first of September, his youngest of three perfect children with wild hair and brown or green eyes was starting school today. It would be poor form for Harry to not show up when his Minister of magic wife was already there. He didn't spit on the children of his stupid once best friend, or Dracos but that's because his whole family ran away scared at the mere thought of a Potter. No he didn't spit on those poor folks that thought Dumbledore or Voldemort could ever defeat an untrained Harry, only Hermione had been able to see what he really was, he didn't spit on them but he did swear his children to prank them at every opportunity based just on their last name, completely unlike Snape hated him. And Dumbledores spent the rest of his life shoveling dragon poop in the goblin mines, begging anyone who would listen that he had to save the world. The mega-happy end.