Darkness. Why is it that people fear it? Darkness in and of
itself can do no harm. Sure, you might bark your shins on a coffee
table or trip over the dog or even run into a wall without
foreknowledge, but that still doesn't equate to fear (unless you're a
wuss).
Light, taken to the same extreme, can be painful and leave you
disoriented. Thus, you again bark your shins on a coffee table, trip
over the dog or even run into a wall without foreknowledge, but people
don't blame light as much.
And why is darkness attributed to evil? Things don't go dark
when an explosion goes off. No one was ever cut in half by irradiated
darkness being focused through a lens to produce a beam, because it's
not possible. And fire, one of the oldest and primitive destructive
forces on earth, emits LIGHT.
I will probably never know why this irrational belief system
remains, but I hereby grant myself permission to write another Excel
Saga episode.
- A-kun
================
Excel Saga's Opening Theme
"Loyalty"
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe
That is not love
Love is not that
I am in love, but I am not loved
Definitely isn't love
Derriere isn't love
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
I offer myself and throw my life away
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Cheat, weedle, interfere
And trample down and kick strangers!
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out!
Even if I slip on a banana peel,
It's all for his sake anyway
If anything, that is probably
A kind of loyalty you might call love
================
It had been a week since the additions of Ropponmatsu and Hyatt
to the apartment and ACROSS. The two no longer had a home, thanks to
the author arbitrarily blowing up their former residence, so Invincible
and Excel had taken pity on the two estranged individuals and brought
them into their meager apartment.
Invincible was beginning to miss having an apartment all to
himself as he banged on the door to the bathroom, "Hey, come on! _I_
need to brush my teeth too, you know."
"The ceremonial cleansing of the tartar from the princess' mouth
will conclude in thirteen seconds." Ropponmatsu answered.
"Sarah-what?" Invincible asked, opening the door to get a direct
response.
Ropponmatsu turned her head, the precision lasers that she had
been using to clear the tartar off of Hyatt's teeth narrowly missing
Invincible's head as he ducked. Ropponmatsu quickly turned off her
laser eyes, as part of the door slid and fell to the floor, cut cleanly
off it's hinges by Ropponmatsu's lasers.
"You should not have interupted. I'm a mere eight seconds away
from giving Princess Hyatt perfect dental health for yet another day."
Ropponmatsu admonished him.
"Yeah, I'll make a note not to interupt that again." Invincible
responded, extremely shaken by the idea of having his head severed. So
shaken, that he didn't even have the gall to inquire why Ropponmatsu
was using impractical lasers for dental hygiene.
Invincible closed the door and patiently waited for Hyatt and
Ropponmatsu to exit the bathroom before attempting to enter.
Breakfast took almost as long. Ropponmatsu insisted that she
needed to feed her princess as part of her protocol. While it had been
a rather comical sight to see someone who was perfectly healthy being
fed by a robot the first day or two, it had grown into something of a
pet peeve. An even bigger pet peeve was that Ropponmatsu calculated
how long it took Hyatt to eat and digest, so she often started
breakfast early and had Hyatt eating before Excel and Invincible were
even done brushing their teeth.
"Why couldn't we have just let K de C take them?" Invincible
asked as he spat out his rinse water and wiped him mouth dry.
"Because I'm responsible for waking them both up. Besides, I
thought guys got off on the thought of being in the same apartment with
three girls." Excel answered, spitting out her own rinse water.
"That's a sexual fantasy and you know it. This doesn't equate to
that like being in the same room with three half-naked Ilpalazzos would
be for you, okay? This is more like staying home with my mom, only
more annoying." Invincible answered as Excel wiped her mouth dry.
"Mister Invincible, Miss Excel, could I discuss something with
you while Princess Hyatt watches television?" Ropponmatsu inquired.
"Sure." Invincible agreed.
Ropponmatsu lead them both outside. Invincible took a second to
admire the ugly crater that the author had left behind while Excel took
a deep breath of fresh air.
"What did you want to talk about?" Excel inquired.
"I've done some calculating and it will be impossible for us to
maintain rent and pay for groceries at the current budget." Ropponmatsu
declared.
"Look, part time is about all we can get. All the full time jobs
in this country are gone or so undesirable that they make begging look
like it's the fast track to fame and fortune." Excel explained.
"Are there any alternate places we could go for food or a way to
gather more money that you can think of?" Ropponmatsu asked.
"Not since the Burger Maniac burned down. And Pizza Bell. And
Taco Hut. McZephyr's too. Damned arsonist. He knows damn well what
he's doing!" Invincible said, glaring down at the aforementioned
arsonistic chef as he set a gopher on fire, then proceeded to set the
gopher's burrow on fire, "STOP BURNING SHIT, YOU ARSEHOLE!"
"Perhaps you could turn to your families?" Ropponmatsu inquired.
"Do I even have a family?" Excel asked the author.
"Well, there's a ten year old girl in a European town in a
completely different series named 'Saga', but other than the loosest of
connections, I can't think of anyone." the author answered.
"I could talk to my aforementioned mother..." Invincible spoke
up.
Excel and Ropponmatsu glanced at the author, who gave them the
thumbs up. Once their attention was off him and back on Invincible,
the author cackled, rubbed his hands together and snuck off across a
field of dry sticks.
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP*
"DID YOU GUYS HEAR SOMETHING?" Invincible shouted.
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP*
"NAH!" Ropponmatsu and Excel answered.
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**_KER_-_SNAPPO_*
"WE GET IT ALREADY!" the trio shouted at the author.
Ilpalazzo, commander of ACROSS, looked at the enormous book in
front of him, labeled "Instructions".
He looked at the pile of materials next to him, then at the box
both the book and materials came in, "Easy to assemble recliner...
instructions included...."
Ilpalazzo's left eye twitched impercetively, "It's like an Ogre
with an iron rod... and a habit of self-bludgeoning."(1)
He announced to himself, "Someone must die. Someone else must
get me a tuna fish sandwich."
With those two declarations firmly in mind, he reached for his
cell phone.
Excel sighed as she looked at the clear blue sky and sipped her
tea, "It's amazing how much a story can progress with the brief cut
aways presented. Even though we've done a lot of things, the readers
haven't seen a thing, leading them to believe that this is just a
fictional story written by a hack writer who couldn't piece together a
story if his life depended on it, but in truth, he's probably as good
as most of the other writers out there, even though he's putting these
self-flattering words in my mouth."
"That's... nice..." Invincible said, his knees trembling as he
remained crouched, "But why do I have to carry all THREE of you?! AND
WHILE WE'RE RIDING THE TRAIN?!"
"Ropponmatsu explained this. Hyatt got the palanquin treatment
for most of her life, so she can't walk very far without fainting. You
weren't carrying her right, so Ropponmatsu decided to carry Hyatt while
you carried them both. And you never asked us to get off your back
when we got on the train, so we assumed that you didn't mind." Excel
explained.
"Okay, but why are YOU on my back?" Invincible asked.
"I didn't want to be left out." Excel answered.
Invincible groaned.
"Mister Invincible, given that the author seems to have it in for
you, can you think of any potentially awkward or difficult situations
that might arise from us visiting your parental units?" Ropponmatsu
inquired.
"Now that you mention it, I just remembered my mom. And I hope
one of you doesn't mind pretending to be my girlfriend." Invincible
responded.
"Let me guess, your father made some sort of blood oath that you
would have a girlfriend before you went home or you'd both commit
seppuku?" Excel guessed.
"Your mother is a perverted nymphomaniac who'll lay anyone who
shows up on her doorstep?" Hyatt joined in, hoping hers was the correct
guess.
Ropponmatsu made some calculations, "Your mother made a bet with
another member of your family that you would be married before your
twenty-first birthday and your branch of the family would lose their
prestige if you failed?"
"No, thank the author NO, and no." Invincible answered, "She just
keeps trying to hook me up with various women. My mother's idea of
'good' leaves much to be desired." Invincible answered.
"PFFFFT! That's not original at ALL!" the three girls chorused.
"DAMMIT! WHY DOES MY AUTHOR SUCK?!" Invincible asked, tears
running down his face.
A Brazillian immigrant patted him on the shoulder, "Pedro knows
how you feel."
Excel stared at the brazillian immigrant, "But you're not Pedro.
You're THE BRAZILLIAN BISEXUAL!"(2)
The man blinked, "No, I'm not. I'm Gomez."
Recalling who Gomez was in the original series, the quartet
proceeded to draw their stabbing knives...
K de C sighed. She hadn't gotten a scene for most of the fanfic
and now that she had one, she wished she hadn't. Once again, what
should have been a day off was being spent training three nearly
worthless recruits.
No, she corrected herself, two passable recruits and one human
flesh bag. The third member of the group was so annoying that, when
she rated them individually, the others scored very high, but when a
group score came about, the score was inverted.
The first was tall, tan and relatively handsome male teenager
with black hair parted down the middle. While that hairdo tended to
rather dorky on most people, Toru Watanabe could pull it off. His dark
eyes reflected a lot of concerns and worry, but also a lot of focus.
He was, in K de C's eyes, the best of the trio.
The second was about a head shorter than Toru, a husky young man
with dark hair parted on the right side. He wore mirror-lens glasses
and didn't speak much, definite points in his favor. Sumiyoshi Daimaru
was, perhaps, not in the best physical condition, but was certainly
much better than the third new recruit.
The third, Iwata Norikuni, was about as tall as Toru, with spiky
brown hair and vacant brown eyes. K de C refused to believe that the
sperm that produced Iwata had beaten out a million others. The light
was on, the wheel was turning, but the hamster was most definitely
dead. The gates were broken, the lights were spasming, and the train
had derailed. If his IQ ever got to 50, Iwata should sell. Iwata's
intellect had reached rock bottom of what K de C had thought possible
and proceeded to dig. If Iwata was any stupider, he would have to be
watered twice daily.
K de C's thoughts on Iwata's stupidity continued further, but due
to constraints on the author's attention span, they were kept to her.
If it weren't for the fact that Kabapu was paying her double
overtime not to kill any of the recruits (at least for the first week,
anyway), K de C would have already rolled Iwata in a tatami mat, dunked
it in cement and thrown him into a river.(3)
"Hey, teach, when do we get our free passes to the strip club
that you work at?" Iwata spoke up.
"What... did... you... just... ask?" K de C inquired in a terse
tone as her left eye twitched dangerously.
"Well, your name is 'K de C', right? That's a stripper's name,
isn't it?" Iwata asked.
[Well,] K de C thought to her self as she pulled out her favorite
weapons, a set of icicle daggers, [it looks like I won't be getting
that bonus after all.]
Excel couldn't understand why she had been chosen to be
Invincible's girlfriend. Then, she recalled the conversation that
she'd witnessed and realized why.
Ropponmatsu was a robot (Invincible insisted that she couldn't
possibly be prepared for the sorts of questions and situations that
might arise). Hyatt was briefly considered until Ropponmatsu tore a
car in half in barely restrained rage, thus the matter was dropped.
Excel was selected because she could not tear a car in half, nor was
she was a robot.
Invincible, for his part, was doing his best not to indulge in
the obviousness of the author's setup by walking briskly with his three
passengers, trying to get to the destination as quickly as possible.
Once they were finally on Invicible's doorstep, Ropponmatsu and
Excel hopped off of Invincible's back. With the weight lifted from his
back, Invincible was able to stand up straight again. He pressed the
doorbell once his spine shifted back into it's normal state.(4)
No sooner had the door opened than the immediate fussing and
fretting began. In a whirlwind of motion and unintelligible words, the
quartet found themselves ushered into the house that Invincible had
grown up in by Invincible's mother, That Lady.
That Lady had long blonde hair that reached the floor, had deep
blue eyes like Invincible, and stood roughly equal to Excel in height.
However, Excel grimaced as she noticed that, once again, another
character had larger breasts than her. Why did she always get the
short end of the stick? The bad pistachio? The gourmet dog food? The
elastic parrot? What sort of pervert did she need to sell her
unmentionables to in order to have a bust size equal to Hyatt?
"Mom, calm down. I've only been gone for a few weeks."
Invincible told her.
"Yes, but you never told me that you were moving! I was worried
sick!" That Lady responded.
"I left six phone messages and sent you two postcards!"
Invincible exclaimed.
That Lady huffed, "I was trying to call you on how to use the
answering machine again."
"MAIL CALL! TWO POSTCARDS FROM YOUR SON, MS. THAT LADY! THEY
SAY HE'S MOVING TO A NEW APARTMENT!" the postman called from outside.
Invincible opened the door, punched out the postman and took the
two postcards.
The postman woke up a minute later, "Oh, hey Invincible... I
didn't see you and your five brothers there... and why are you all
swirling around me head? OOooooh-*" *THUD*
"I forgot that the Japanese postal system is the third worst in
the world, trailing the Canadian and American postal systems."
Invincible sighed.
"Yes. Yes, you did." That Lady admonished him.
Meanwhile, Excel, Hyatt and Ropponmatsu were having a discussion
on the side. Ropponmatsu expressed her concern, "Are you sure we
shouldn't be worried? I mean, That Man was a primary antogonist to
Pedro..."
"Yes, but I get the feeling that even with an amibigious name
like That Man's, the author couldn't possibly use her for the same
purpose." Excel answered.
"But what if she's actually That Man in disguise?" Hyatt
inquired.
"Then Invincible should be able to notice. I mean, he grew up in
this house, after all. The prose even said so." Excel responded.
Ropponmatsu spoke up, "But Mister Invincible isn't exactly the
brightest piece of charcoal in the bag. Not to mention, the fact that
he's an avatar could leave him more vulnerable to the author's evil
machinations."
"So, you're banging all three of these girls?" That Lady
inquired, turning to the trio.
All four of the regular cast blushed brightly, "NO!"
"I'm dating Excel." Invincible said, pointing to Excel, who
grimaced at the idea of dating an AVATAR.
That Lady's eyes narrowed dangerously as she approached Excel.
Excel began sweating, wondering if she'd interpreted Excel's expression
correctly, when That Lady lifted Excel's shirt up, "Well, she's not
exactly large breasted, but my grandkids won't starve."
"MOM!" Invincible shouted in embarrassment, his face turned
bright red.
That Lady hugged Excel. At first, Excel thought that it was a
'Welcome to the Family' hug, but That Lady began massaging her butt.
That Lady broke the molesting 'hug', "Hmmm, strong butt
muscles... good hips... she looks like she could bear some nice healthy
grandkids. She'll do."
That Lady pulled out a red stamp and pressed it to Excel's
forehead before anyone, even Ropponmatsu, could react.
"B Rating." That Lady announced.
Invincible twitched out of sheer embarrassment, while Excel
twitched with barely restrained anger. For some infathomable reason,
she felt upset that she only ranked a 'B'.
"Oh, but you all must be hungry. I'll go fix us some dinner."
That Lady said, skipping off.
"Well, at least it wasn't as bad as the time I brought a few
other girls home." Invincible sighed, [Thank all the higher powers that
exist that I decided not to bring K de C home.]
Somewhere, a long lost cellular phone rang. And rang. And rang.
Seeing as it was in the flooring of a resturaunt, the chances of anyone
finding it were slim to nil. Had anyone found it, they would have
noticed that someone had scratched the word "Excel" on the side of it.
And had they worked there several months ago, they would know that a
girl by that very name had worked there and had lost a cellular phone.
However, since everyone who'd worked with Excel had been fired,
relocated or had quit, no one knew about the missing phone. Thus, it
would ring from time to time and there was only one conclusion people
could come up with.
"OH MY GAWD, THIS RESTURAUNT IS HAUNTED!" a crazy model screamed,
running out of the Papa Subs sandwich shop.
The clerk sighed with a mixture of relief and frustration. The
crazy woman had been ordering everything on her sub then unordering
half of that, but on the other hand, he had a sub that no one else in
the world would touch with a ten foot pole.
Then again... there was always one way to fix a sub...
He glanced around, grabbed a bottle of honey mustard, then spread
it liberally on top of everything already inside the sub. With no one
looking, he closed the sandwich and took a bite, cream cheese,
sprinkles, pickles, tomato and frosting squeezing out of the back end.
He munched on it for a few seconds.
Yes, honey mustard had saved the day again.(5)
Kabapu looked at K de C with a quirked eyebrow.
"What do you mean 'I guess I won't be getting that raise'?"
Kabapu inquired.
"I had to 'dispose' of Iwata." K de C explained.
Kapabu frowned, looking puzzled. He stroked his chin
thoughtfully, "You mean Iwata Norikuni?"
K de C nodded.
Kabapu looked at K de C with all seriousness in his eyes and made
a declaration, "Iwata Norikuni wasn't a recruit. We'd rejected him
because he annoyed me."
"Then why did he show up every day for most of the week?" K de C
asked.
Before Kabapu could answer, Nimatsu suddenly entered, carrying a
wicked-cool red and purple outfit, "Sir, you're due on the set of X-
men..."(6)
Kabapu sighed, and addressed K de C, "I'll ignore this matter if
you help me restrain her and turn her off."
It was going to be a long day as Nimatsu's eyes began glowing
plaid, a sign that her defense subroutine had activated...
Excel had to admit that, despite her crazed and misguided
attitude towards getting her son laid, That Lady sure could cook.
Perhaps pretending to be an avatar's girlfriend wasn't so bad, so long
as it remained 'pretend'.
In any case, it was time for the salute.
"HAIL ILPALAZZO!" Hyatt, Excel, Invincible and Ropponmatsu
chorused.
Ilpalazzo's eyes looked at them with controlled indifference,
which looked very much like his childishly gleeful, his malicious
intent and his "I'm extremely hungry" looks.
"You failed." Ilpalazzo declared.
"How could we fail before we began?" Invincible asked.
Ilpalazzo pulled the curtain rope harder than normal. The floor
panel Invincible was standing on suddenly sprang up, launching
Invincible into the ceiling. Then, as Invincible dislodged from the
ceiling, the pit opened up beneath the falling avatar...
=======================================================================
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe
Episode 4 - The Tuna Fish Sandwich
Mission - Failed. Failed Utterly.
=======================================================================
(1) "It's like an ogre with an iron rod." is a proverb that indicates a
double advantage. I changed it by adding, "and a habit of self-
bludgeoning.", indicating that something that once had a great
advantage now has a self-defeating flaw.
(2) This is from Nut Punch Kamen, an improfanfic I greatly aided, then
accidentally killed.
(3) Wrapping someone up in a tatami mat is the Yakuza style of
disposing of a body. The cement is added for an Olde Style Mobster
feel. K de C is nothing if not original.
(4) "Yer young, you can shake it off!" - A common statement made by
adults.
(5) A good honey mustard can get me to eat a lot of things I don't
like. However, even I wouldn't eat something like that.
(6) If you don't understand this, watch Excel Saga Episode 15 and pay
close attention to the scene where Shioji Gojo tells Kabapu how long
it'll take to fix the spare. Kapabu's BALD!
Extra! Possible Name Translations!
Roppon - six (long cylindrical things)
Matsu - pine tree, To Wait, The End, Powder
Ropponmatsu - six pine trees, six powders
Sumi - arranged, taken care of, settled, charcoal, corner, nook,
ink
Yoshi - "OK!", "good!", "all right!", "well!", "So!", reason,
significance, cause
Sumiyoshi - arranged reason, settled cause,
significant charcoal
======================
Edited Line:
"That's... nice..." Invincible said, his knees trembling as he
remained crouched, "But why do I have to carry all THREE of you?! AND
WHILE WE'RE RIDING THE TRAIN?!"
"Ropponmatsu explained this. Hyatt got the palanquin treatment
for most of her life, so she can't walk very far without farting."
Excel explained.
"WHAT?!" Invincible exclaimed.
itself can do no harm. Sure, you might bark your shins on a coffee
table or trip over the dog or even run into a wall without
foreknowledge, but that still doesn't equate to fear (unless you're a
wuss).
Light, taken to the same extreme, can be painful and leave you
disoriented. Thus, you again bark your shins on a coffee table, trip
over the dog or even run into a wall without foreknowledge, but people
don't blame light as much.
And why is darkness attributed to evil? Things don't go dark
when an explosion goes off. No one was ever cut in half by irradiated
darkness being focused through a lens to produce a beam, because it's
not possible. And fire, one of the oldest and primitive destructive
forces on earth, emits LIGHT.
I will probably never know why this irrational belief system
remains, but I hereby grant myself permission to write another Excel
Saga episode.
- A-kun
================
Excel Saga's Opening Theme
"Loyalty"
Lyrics by Shinichi Watanabe
That is not love
Love is not that
I am in love, but I am not loved
Definitely isn't love
Derriere isn't love
I want to be loved, but I never seek it out
I offer myself and throw my life away
Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly
Cheat, weedle, interfere
And trample down and kick strangers!
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out! (And we get the hell out!)
And we get the hell out!
Even if I slip on a banana peel,
It's all for his sake anyway
If anything, that is probably
A kind of loyalty you might call love
================
It had been a week since the additions of Ropponmatsu and Hyatt
to the apartment and ACROSS. The two no longer had a home, thanks to
the author arbitrarily blowing up their former residence, so Invincible
and Excel had taken pity on the two estranged individuals and brought
them into their meager apartment.
Invincible was beginning to miss having an apartment all to
himself as he banged on the door to the bathroom, "Hey, come on! _I_
need to brush my teeth too, you know."
"The ceremonial cleansing of the tartar from the princess' mouth
will conclude in thirteen seconds." Ropponmatsu answered.
"Sarah-what?" Invincible asked, opening the door to get a direct
response.
Ropponmatsu turned her head, the precision lasers that she had
been using to clear the tartar off of Hyatt's teeth narrowly missing
Invincible's head as he ducked. Ropponmatsu quickly turned off her
laser eyes, as part of the door slid and fell to the floor, cut cleanly
off it's hinges by Ropponmatsu's lasers.
"You should not have interupted. I'm a mere eight seconds away
from giving Princess Hyatt perfect dental health for yet another day."
Ropponmatsu admonished him.
"Yeah, I'll make a note not to interupt that again." Invincible
responded, extremely shaken by the idea of having his head severed. So
shaken, that he didn't even have the gall to inquire why Ropponmatsu
was using impractical lasers for dental hygiene.
Invincible closed the door and patiently waited for Hyatt and
Ropponmatsu to exit the bathroom before attempting to enter.
Breakfast took almost as long. Ropponmatsu insisted that she
needed to feed her princess as part of her protocol. While it had been
a rather comical sight to see someone who was perfectly healthy being
fed by a robot the first day or two, it had grown into something of a
pet peeve. An even bigger pet peeve was that Ropponmatsu calculated
how long it took Hyatt to eat and digest, so she often started
breakfast early and had Hyatt eating before Excel and Invincible were
even done brushing their teeth.
"Why couldn't we have just let K de C take them?" Invincible
asked as he spat out his rinse water and wiped him mouth dry.
"Because I'm responsible for waking them both up. Besides, I
thought guys got off on the thought of being in the same apartment with
three girls." Excel answered, spitting out her own rinse water.
"That's a sexual fantasy and you know it. This doesn't equate to
that like being in the same room with three half-naked Ilpalazzos would
be for you, okay? This is more like staying home with my mom, only
more annoying." Invincible answered as Excel wiped her mouth dry.
"Mister Invincible, Miss Excel, could I discuss something with
you while Princess Hyatt watches television?" Ropponmatsu inquired.
"Sure." Invincible agreed.
Ropponmatsu lead them both outside. Invincible took a second to
admire the ugly crater that the author had left behind while Excel took
a deep breath of fresh air.
"What did you want to talk about?" Excel inquired.
"I've done some calculating and it will be impossible for us to
maintain rent and pay for groceries at the current budget." Ropponmatsu
declared.
"Look, part time is about all we can get. All the full time jobs
in this country are gone or so undesirable that they make begging look
like it's the fast track to fame and fortune." Excel explained.
"Are there any alternate places we could go for food or a way to
gather more money that you can think of?" Ropponmatsu asked.
"Not since the Burger Maniac burned down. And Pizza Bell. And
Taco Hut. McZephyr's too. Damned arsonist. He knows damn well what
he's doing!" Invincible said, glaring down at the aforementioned
arsonistic chef as he set a gopher on fire, then proceeded to set the
gopher's burrow on fire, "STOP BURNING SHIT, YOU ARSEHOLE!"
"Perhaps you could turn to your families?" Ropponmatsu inquired.
"Do I even have a family?" Excel asked the author.
"Well, there's a ten year old girl in a European town in a
completely different series named 'Saga', but other than the loosest of
connections, I can't think of anyone." the author answered.
"I could talk to my aforementioned mother..." Invincible spoke
up.
Excel and Ropponmatsu glanced at the author, who gave them the
thumbs up. Once their attention was off him and back on Invincible,
the author cackled, rubbed his hands together and snuck off across a
field of dry sticks.
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP*
"DID YOU GUYS HEAR SOMETHING?" Invincible shouted.
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP*
"NAH!" Ropponmatsu and Excel answered.
*KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**KER-SNAP**_KER_-_SNAPPO_*
"WE GET IT ALREADY!" the trio shouted at the author.
Ilpalazzo, commander of ACROSS, looked at the enormous book in
front of him, labeled "Instructions".
He looked at the pile of materials next to him, then at the box
both the book and materials came in, "Easy to assemble recliner...
instructions included...."
Ilpalazzo's left eye twitched impercetively, "It's like an Ogre
with an iron rod... and a habit of self-bludgeoning."(1)
He announced to himself, "Someone must die. Someone else must
get me a tuna fish sandwich."
With those two declarations firmly in mind, he reached for his
cell phone.
Excel sighed as she looked at the clear blue sky and sipped her
tea, "It's amazing how much a story can progress with the brief cut
aways presented. Even though we've done a lot of things, the readers
haven't seen a thing, leading them to believe that this is just a
fictional story written by a hack writer who couldn't piece together a
story if his life depended on it, but in truth, he's probably as good
as most of the other writers out there, even though he's putting these
self-flattering words in my mouth."
"That's... nice..." Invincible said, his knees trembling as he
remained crouched, "But why do I have to carry all THREE of you?! AND
WHILE WE'RE RIDING THE TRAIN?!"
"Ropponmatsu explained this. Hyatt got the palanquin treatment
for most of her life, so she can't walk very far without fainting. You
weren't carrying her right, so Ropponmatsu decided to carry Hyatt while
you carried them both. And you never asked us to get off your back
when we got on the train, so we assumed that you didn't mind." Excel
explained.
"Okay, but why are YOU on my back?" Invincible asked.
"I didn't want to be left out." Excel answered.
Invincible groaned.
"Mister Invincible, given that the author seems to have it in for
you, can you think of any potentially awkward or difficult situations
that might arise from us visiting your parental units?" Ropponmatsu
inquired.
"Now that you mention it, I just remembered my mom. And I hope
one of you doesn't mind pretending to be my girlfriend." Invincible
responded.
"Let me guess, your father made some sort of blood oath that you
would have a girlfriend before you went home or you'd both commit
seppuku?" Excel guessed.
"Your mother is a perverted nymphomaniac who'll lay anyone who
shows up on her doorstep?" Hyatt joined in, hoping hers was the correct
guess.
Ropponmatsu made some calculations, "Your mother made a bet with
another member of your family that you would be married before your
twenty-first birthday and your branch of the family would lose their
prestige if you failed?"
"No, thank the author NO, and no." Invincible answered, "She just
keeps trying to hook me up with various women. My mother's idea of
'good' leaves much to be desired." Invincible answered.
"PFFFFT! That's not original at ALL!" the three girls chorused.
"DAMMIT! WHY DOES MY AUTHOR SUCK?!" Invincible asked, tears
running down his face.
A Brazillian immigrant patted him on the shoulder, "Pedro knows
how you feel."
Excel stared at the brazillian immigrant, "But you're not Pedro.
You're THE BRAZILLIAN BISEXUAL!"(2)
The man blinked, "No, I'm not. I'm Gomez."
Recalling who Gomez was in the original series, the quartet
proceeded to draw their stabbing knives...
K de C sighed. She hadn't gotten a scene for most of the fanfic
and now that she had one, she wished she hadn't. Once again, what
should have been a day off was being spent training three nearly
worthless recruits.
No, she corrected herself, two passable recruits and one human
flesh bag. The third member of the group was so annoying that, when
she rated them individually, the others scored very high, but when a
group score came about, the score was inverted.
The first was tall, tan and relatively handsome male teenager
with black hair parted down the middle. While that hairdo tended to
rather dorky on most people, Toru Watanabe could pull it off. His dark
eyes reflected a lot of concerns and worry, but also a lot of focus.
He was, in K de C's eyes, the best of the trio.
The second was about a head shorter than Toru, a husky young man
with dark hair parted on the right side. He wore mirror-lens glasses
and didn't speak much, definite points in his favor. Sumiyoshi Daimaru
was, perhaps, not in the best physical condition, but was certainly
much better than the third new recruit.
The third, Iwata Norikuni, was about as tall as Toru, with spiky
brown hair and vacant brown eyes. K de C refused to believe that the
sperm that produced Iwata had beaten out a million others. The light
was on, the wheel was turning, but the hamster was most definitely
dead. The gates were broken, the lights were spasming, and the train
had derailed. If his IQ ever got to 50, Iwata should sell. Iwata's
intellect had reached rock bottom of what K de C had thought possible
and proceeded to dig. If Iwata was any stupider, he would have to be
watered twice daily.
K de C's thoughts on Iwata's stupidity continued further, but due
to constraints on the author's attention span, they were kept to her.
If it weren't for the fact that Kabapu was paying her double
overtime not to kill any of the recruits (at least for the first week,
anyway), K de C would have already rolled Iwata in a tatami mat, dunked
it in cement and thrown him into a river.(3)
"Hey, teach, when do we get our free passes to the strip club
that you work at?" Iwata spoke up.
"What... did... you... just... ask?" K de C inquired in a terse
tone as her left eye twitched dangerously.
"Well, your name is 'K de C', right? That's a stripper's name,
isn't it?" Iwata asked.
[Well,] K de C thought to her self as she pulled out her favorite
weapons, a set of icicle daggers, [it looks like I won't be getting
that bonus after all.]
Excel couldn't understand why she had been chosen to be
Invincible's girlfriend. Then, she recalled the conversation that
she'd witnessed and realized why.
Ropponmatsu was a robot (Invincible insisted that she couldn't
possibly be prepared for the sorts of questions and situations that
might arise). Hyatt was briefly considered until Ropponmatsu tore a
car in half in barely restrained rage, thus the matter was dropped.
Excel was selected because she could not tear a car in half, nor was
she was a robot.
Invincible, for his part, was doing his best not to indulge in
the obviousness of the author's setup by walking briskly with his three
passengers, trying to get to the destination as quickly as possible.
Once they were finally on Invicible's doorstep, Ropponmatsu and
Excel hopped off of Invincible's back. With the weight lifted from his
back, Invincible was able to stand up straight again. He pressed the
doorbell once his spine shifted back into it's normal state.(4)
No sooner had the door opened than the immediate fussing and
fretting began. In a whirlwind of motion and unintelligible words, the
quartet found themselves ushered into the house that Invincible had
grown up in by Invincible's mother, That Lady.
That Lady had long blonde hair that reached the floor, had deep
blue eyes like Invincible, and stood roughly equal to Excel in height.
However, Excel grimaced as she noticed that, once again, another
character had larger breasts than her. Why did she always get the
short end of the stick? The bad pistachio? The gourmet dog food? The
elastic parrot? What sort of pervert did she need to sell her
unmentionables to in order to have a bust size equal to Hyatt?
"Mom, calm down. I've only been gone for a few weeks."
Invincible told her.
"Yes, but you never told me that you were moving! I was worried
sick!" That Lady responded.
"I left six phone messages and sent you two postcards!"
Invincible exclaimed.
That Lady huffed, "I was trying to call you on how to use the
answering machine again."
"MAIL CALL! TWO POSTCARDS FROM YOUR SON, MS. THAT LADY! THEY
SAY HE'S MOVING TO A NEW APARTMENT!" the postman called from outside.
Invincible opened the door, punched out the postman and took the
two postcards.
The postman woke up a minute later, "Oh, hey Invincible... I
didn't see you and your five brothers there... and why are you all
swirling around me head? OOooooh-*" *THUD*
"I forgot that the Japanese postal system is the third worst in
the world, trailing the Canadian and American postal systems."
Invincible sighed.
"Yes. Yes, you did." That Lady admonished him.
Meanwhile, Excel, Hyatt and Ropponmatsu were having a discussion
on the side. Ropponmatsu expressed her concern, "Are you sure we
shouldn't be worried? I mean, That Man was a primary antogonist to
Pedro..."
"Yes, but I get the feeling that even with an amibigious name
like That Man's, the author couldn't possibly use her for the same
purpose." Excel answered.
"But what if she's actually That Man in disguise?" Hyatt
inquired.
"Then Invincible should be able to notice. I mean, he grew up in
this house, after all. The prose even said so." Excel responded.
Ropponmatsu spoke up, "But Mister Invincible isn't exactly the
brightest piece of charcoal in the bag. Not to mention, the fact that
he's an avatar could leave him more vulnerable to the author's evil
machinations."
"So, you're banging all three of these girls?" That Lady
inquired, turning to the trio.
All four of the regular cast blushed brightly, "NO!"
"I'm dating Excel." Invincible said, pointing to Excel, who
grimaced at the idea of dating an AVATAR.
That Lady's eyes narrowed dangerously as she approached Excel.
Excel began sweating, wondering if she'd interpreted Excel's expression
correctly, when That Lady lifted Excel's shirt up, "Well, she's not
exactly large breasted, but my grandkids won't starve."
"MOM!" Invincible shouted in embarrassment, his face turned
bright red.
That Lady hugged Excel. At first, Excel thought that it was a
'Welcome to the Family' hug, but That Lady began massaging her butt.
That Lady broke the molesting 'hug', "Hmmm, strong butt
muscles... good hips... she looks like she could bear some nice healthy
grandkids. She'll do."
That Lady pulled out a red stamp and pressed it to Excel's
forehead before anyone, even Ropponmatsu, could react.
"B Rating." That Lady announced.
Invincible twitched out of sheer embarrassment, while Excel
twitched with barely restrained anger. For some infathomable reason,
she felt upset that she only ranked a 'B'.
"Oh, but you all must be hungry. I'll go fix us some dinner."
That Lady said, skipping off.
"Well, at least it wasn't as bad as the time I brought a few
other girls home." Invincible sighed, [Thank all the higher powers that
exist that I decided not to bring K de C home.]
Somewhere, a long lost cellular phone rang. And rang. And rang.
Seeing as it was in the flooring of a resturaunt, the chances of anyone
finding it were slim to nil. Had anyone found it, they would have
noticed that someone had scratched the word "Excel" on the side of it.
And had they worked there several months ago, they would know that a
girl by that very name had worked there and had lost a cellular phone.
However, since everyone who'd worked with Excel had been fired,
relocated or had quit, no one knew about the missing phone. Thus, it
would ring from time to time and there was only one conclusion people
could come up with.
"OH MY GAWD, THIS RESTURAUNT IS HAUNTED!" a crazy model screamed,
running out of the Papa Subs sandwich shop.
The clerk sighed with a mixture of relief and frustration. The
crazy woman had been ordering everything on her sub then unordering
half of that, but on the other hand, he had a sub that no one else in
the world would touch with a ten foot pole.
Then again... there was always one way to fix a sub...
He glanced around, grabbed a bottle of honey mustard, then spread
it liberally on top of everything already inside the sub. With no one
looking, he closed the sandwich and took a bite, cream cheese,
sprinkles, pickles, tomato and frosting squeezing out of the back end.
He munched on it for a few seconds.
Yes, honey mustard had saved the day again.(5)
Kabapu looked at K de C with a quirked eyebrow.
"What do you mean 'I guess I won't be getting that raise'?"
Kabapu inquired.
"I had to 'dispose' of Iwata." K de C explained.
Kapabu frowned, looking puzzled. He stroked his chin
thoughtfully, "You mean Iwata Norikuni?"
K de C nodded.
Kabapu looked at K de C with all seriousness in his eyes and made
a declaration, "Iwata Norikuni wasn't a recruit. We'd rejected him
because he annoyed me."
"Then why did he show up every day for most of the week?" K de C
asked.
Before Kabapu could answer, Nimatsu suddenly entered, carrying a
wicked-cool red and purple outfit, "Sir, you're due on the set of X-
men..."(6)
Kabapu sighed, and addressed K de C, "I'll ignore this matter if
you help me restrain her and turn her off."
It was going to be a long day as Nimatsu's eyes began glowing
plaid, a sign that her defense subroutine had activated...
Excel had to admit that, despite her crazed and misguided
attitude towards getting her son laid, That Lady sure could cook.
Perhaps pretending to be an avatar's girlfriend wasn't so bad, so long
as it remained 'pretend'.
In any case, it was time for the salute.
"HAIL ILPALAZZO!" Hyatt, Excel, Invincible and Ropponmatsu
chorused.
Ilpalazzo's eyes looked at them with controlled indifference,
which looked very much like his childishly gleeful, his malicious
intent and his "I'm extremely hungry" looks.
"You failed." Ilpalazzo declared.
"How could we fail before we began?" Invincible asked.
Ilpalazzo pulled the curtain rope harder than normal. The floor
panel Invincible was standing on suddenly sprang up, launching
Invincible into the ceiling. Then, as Invincible dislodged from the
ceiling, the pit opened up beneath the falling avatar...
=======================================================================
Excel Saga: Alternate Universe
Episode 4 - The Tuna Fish Sandwich
Mission - Failed. Failed Utterly.
=======================================================================
(1) "It's like an ogre with an iron rod." is a proverb that indicates a
double advantage. I changed it by adding, "and a habit of self-
bludgeoning.", indicating that something that once had a great
advantage now has a self-defeating flaw.
(2) This is from Nut Punch Kamen, an improfanfic I greatly aided, then
accidentally killed.
(3) Wrapping someone up in a tatami mat is the Yakuza style of
disposing of a body. The cement is added for an Olde Style Mobster
feel. K de C is nothing if not original.
(4) "Yer young, you can shake it off!" - A common statement made by
adults.
(5) A good honey mustard can get me to eat a lot of things I don't
like. However, even I wouldn't eat something like that.
(6) If you don't understand this, watch Excel Saga Episode 15 and pay
close attention to the scene where Shioji Gojo tells Kabapu how long
it'll take to fix the spare. Kapabu's BALD!
Extra! Possible Name Translations!
Roppon - six (long cylindrical things)
Matsu - pine tree, To Wait, The End, Powder
Ropponmatsu - six pine trees, six powders
Sumi - arranged, taken care of, settled, charcoal, corner, nook,
ink
Yoshi - "OK!", "good!", "all right!", "well!", "So!", reason,
significance, cause
Sumiyoshi - arranged reason, settled cause,
significant charcoal
======================
Edited Line:
"That's... nice..." Invincible said, his knees trembling as he
remained crouched, "But why do I have to carry all THREE of you?! AND
WHILE WE'RE RIDING THE TRAIN?!"
"Ropponmatsu explained this. Hyatt got the palanquin treatment
for most of her life, so she can't walk very far without farting."
Excel explained.
"WHAT?!" Invincible exclaimed.