A little background for this story. One of my favorite fics, and the first one I read from author Coeur Al' Aran, was White Sheep. It was ridiculous, it was funny, and it was just a good story I still enjoy rereading on occasions. That story inspired me to write something similar, though a bit more on the serious side... This is not that story. This is a crack fic born from that idea inspired by White Sheep. I've allowed myself to work on four stories simultaneously, not releasing a new one until I finish one of them. The fourth place was open to either the Naruto, Fu, and Gaara centric story, or this one. Everyone should know which one I chose.

My other three, while having humor in them, are more on the serious side. So I wanted to try my hand at something a bit off and ridiculous. Also, to note, this will have Naruto characters born in Remnant. As in, all of them. Most might not get any screen time, since they're not the focus, but yea. This is a universe merger.

Beta - OjOrangejuiceofthewild

Chapter 1 - Meeting of Queens

Beacon Academy. A school to train the future generation of defenders against the beasts of darkness, and Ozma's current base of operations. Or should it be Ozpin? He'd more than his share of lifetimes and just as many faces. But no matter how old he got, there would always be something one couldn't get used to. And as he sat back in his chair, high up in the tower looking out over the grounds, he breathed out a sigh at the news he had received, eyes shut from the loss.

Summer Rose was gone.

It was her partner on their recent mission, Qrow Branwen, who had brought him the news. The two had been on the same team in the academy, one of the best in their year. Now, they were fractured. First, with Raven returning to the Branwen tribe and their leader taken far too soon. Leaving behind a husband and two children.

On the other side of the Headmaster's desk, Qrow sat with his head in his hands. Hair gripped in frustration.

"She was right there, Oz," the haggard man repeated for what felt the hundredth time. "If I could've just got through the Grimm-"

"You would have had to deal with either Tyrian or Hazel," Ozpin interrupted. "And the outcome would have been the same, if not worse." It was hard to admit, but Qrow would have been outmatched by himself against either opponent and surrounded by what had sounded like a small Grimm army.

Qrow cursed, Ozpin knew the feeling. Summer had been his student and a confidant in his war against Salem, but she was not the first. He still remembered one friend he had, back during his third, nearing his fourth reign as king of Vale. A good friend and son of the Kaguya Otsutsuki, queen of Mistral. Hagoromo was one of the best friends he had in that life, and one he still cherished to this day. The biggest mistake he had made in their friendship was informing the other prince of Salem and her machinations.

Hagoromo's semblance, Sage, allowed him to take in energy from nature itself. Not magic, at least in the most common sense Ozpin's had known, or even aura. The energy of the purest kind. But much like Qrow, the prince's semblance was passive. He had no control over it, and that led to difficulties. Despite Kaguya herself being a rabbit faunus, both Hagoromo and Hamura had been human. So it was a shock when Hagoromo began to spontaneously acquire particular... Deformities.

The first being a pair of horns protruding from his forehead. The next, and what garnered the most attention were the tails. One by one, they would grow until he had ten in all. It was difficult to process. The kind prince, loved by his people, sealed himself away not to cause trouble from the populace. The king of Vale was one of the few outside his own family able to see him in person. Ozpin wished that was as far as it went. The tails had stopped growing. Instead, the constant in-pour of energy began to erode his body. The young man's time was about to come to an end.

With the last of his life, Hagoromo decided to venture to the Grimmlands. With great power and a heart that sought peace for Remnant, the prince had decided to confront the Immortal Queen. The day he had told Ozpin the plan was the last day the King had seen his friend.

Ozpin blinked away the memory. He no longer shed tears for the fallen but swore to remember them. And Summer Rose would be included in that. Another name to etch into his mind. Another sin for him to bear. The older man sighed, "Has Taiyang been informed?"

"No," was the quick answer. "Not yet." The ex-bandit stood up. "I'm going after her."

Going after her? "Qrow, you're not thinking straight. One can not just traverse the afterlife-"

"Afterlife?" it was Qrow's turn to be confused. "Summer's not dead, Oz. She's been captured."

Captured? But he had said Summer was gone. Maybe it was Ozpin's fault for assuming death, but what else could that have meant? Why would Salem purposefully abduct a silver-eyed warrior, the antithesis of her existence?

What was she planning?

What was she planning?

That was the question Summer asked herself. When Tyrian and Hazel had ambushed her and Qrow, with more Grimm than she had seen in one place and her consciousness had begun to fade, Summer had made an apology to her little girls, who she had promised would see them in a few days. And to Tai, who would no doubt have to explain why Summer was never coming home. Now she was awake sat at the head of a crystal table. Unbound but with both Hazel and Tyrian at either side. If she were to use the power gifted to her by the God of Light, or so the legends say, then one of them would be quick to put her down.

Across from her, sat upon a crystal throne, the immortal Grimm queen herself, Salem. Adorn in a robe of darkness, short-sleeves exposed pure white skin stained only by dark purple veins. Red irises poured into silver, and Summer would admit to more than a little fear being in this monster's presence.

The immortal held out her hands, "I'm glad to see you have accepted my invitation."

Summer snarled. "Is that what you call knocking someone out to abduct them?"

"Abduction?" Salem tilted her head, "If I recall, the order I gave was to invite her for a meeting between queens."

Queen? Her? What?!

Hazel answered Salem's unasked question, "Those were indeed your instructions."

"Then why is it that I am being told of a more -forceful- approach."

Summer, mind a whirl, looked to the man on her right. The large, burly man pinched his nose in frustration, but the scorpion faunus to her left answered, "My Goddess. We told her to come with us, but the queen refused. To be so rude to you, the most beautiful, most gracious-"

"Hazel?"

"Summer Rose had refused. Tyrian decided refusal wasn't an option."

"It was not," Salem nodded. "You've done well, Tyrian."

The crazed man cackled, a broad grin splitting his face as he bowed, "I live to serve."

What was even going on? Why had the queen of all evil invite Summer to her castle of darkness, and why did said queen think she was one too? This wasn't real, she decided, it couldn't be real. She was stuck in a weird dream. The silver-eyed woman hadn't been kidnapped to be a guest in the grimmlands but had gotten her hands on Ozpin's special coffee blend again.

"Getting back on topic, you're no doubt wondering why you are here."

"Among other things," Summer mumbled.

"I have heard a tale of something in your possession. Something that I desire."

What? What could she possibly have, especially now when she had been disarmed and only had the clothes on her back? "Then why not take it? Whatever I have, why not kill me and claim it as your own?"

"Unfortunately, that would not be possible." Was the unfortunately necessary? "It is something that must be given. From one queen to another, I am prepared to make a deal."

Summer couldn't take it anymore, "I'm not a queen! I have never been a quee-"

The doors behind her burst open, her rant cut off before it could even begin. The silver-eyed woman turned to see a man the same height as Hazel, but with flowing red hair down to his shoulders and facial hair to match. Muscular, and dressed in a bright red robe with a golden undershirt. Beside her, both Tyrian and Hazel bowed. This was not a man she had ever seen before—an unknown to Ozpin's circle, and apparently high up in whatever organization Salem had going on.

"Goku, dear," Salem inadvertently introduced the man. Also, dear? "It's good to see you, but I am quite busy at the moment."

The man looked at her, orangish eyes meeting her before he turned away from her without care and walked up to the dread queen. "Come on, mom," Mom?! "It'll only take a minute. Sun found his semblance!"

Salem gasped, "Did he?! Show me now."

The man, Goku, approached his mother with a scroll in hand. Placing in front of the immortal, Summer could hear another woman talking, "Do you want to show grandma what you've learned?"

There was no answer from whoever Sun was, but after a moment, the woman on the video could be heard, "You're doing great! Only seven years old and already able to use your semblance!"

Seven? That was how old Yang was, and she didn't even have her aura unlocked. Were they training children for Salem? She accused such and quickly found herself on the receiving end of Salem's ire and Goku's. The room seemed to shake as he stomped over to her; the tiled floor cracked beneath every step. Summer gulped, the tension making it more difficult for her to breathe.

He didn't say anything to her, didn't yell. What he did do was thrust the scroll in front of her face and pressed play. On-screen, Summer watched as a small boy with blonde hair, and a monkey's tail sat cross-legged. Two golden copies of him appeared on either side. She had expected them to start fighting or to look at the camera menacingly. Instead, the two started doing flips and tricks, even doing a clumsy little dance. The clones vanished too soon, and the little boy had a bright smile even with the beads of sweat coming off his forehead.

"Love you, grandma!"

Both herself and Salem cooed at the sound of it. Summer caught it, her mouth shut with a click, but Goku had heard and gave her a knowing grin.

Salem called for her son's attention, "He's growing up so fast. Oh, I remember just the other day when he and the triplets were playing tag with Beowolves."

Was that supposed to be cute? And how did a child play with Grimm? It was like every time someone opened their mouth; Summer just had more questions. Lost in her thoughts, she barely heard Goku say he would go show Gyuki and made a promise to bring Sun and his wife to see Salem soon.

"Now, where were we? Ah, yes. You were saying how you were not a queen." Summer nodded, agreeing that she was not, in fact, any type of royalty. "Do you believe me, a fool?"

The silver-eyed woman wasn't sure what to believe anymore. She thought the woman in front of her to be an immortal monster. Then she found out she had a child and grandchild. Any terror she had for the Grimm queen had fled when the two shared a moment when little Sun had spoken. Now, Summer was just confused and entirely out of her depth.

Salem didn't seem to care about the ravenette's inner turmoil, "I have heard, from a trustworthy source, that you indeed have the title of queen."

Only if someone asked Tai, but Summer didn't believe he'd been talking to any Grimm about their nightlife. At least, she hoped not.

Her anxiety about the situation having died, Summer exasperatedly asked what the woman was talking about.

"Hmph. Still playing dumb. Are you not the one they call the queen of-"

Wooden doors opened again, and Summer felt like screaming. What could it possibly be this time? Her head snapped over to see an older man with spiked pale-brown hair and violet eyes, iris and sclera, with an odd ripple pattern. His face aged, with wrinkled skin. In his arms was a small boy, looking no older than her youngest, who would turn five in little over a week. Hair a light shade of purple, with his face buried in the man's chest. Salem was quick to leave her throne, walking up to the two. The boy reached for the immortal once she was close.

"Was it Shukaku and Kurama again?"

The man chuckled, "No, no. Saiken was blowing bubbles for Chomei and Isobu to chase. Isobu only tripped."

"Oh, my poor baby," Salem petted the boy, "Did you get a boo-boo? Come, why don't you sit on mommy's throne with her?"

Isobu didn't answer her with words, but with a nod. When the Grimm queen took her seat, now holding a child, the image of evil Summer had once held when Ozpin had informed her of Salem's existence getting farther and farther away.

"I didn't know we had a visitor," the elderly man said, his eyes settling on her. His gaze was not unfriendly but more grandfatherly. Kind and polite. "And what's your name?"

"Um, Summer Rose."

"Nice to meet you, Summer," he held out a hand that she took in her own. "I'm Hagoromo Otsutsuki. I hope my wife hasn't caused any problems for you."

Wife? "When you say wife, do you mean..."

If she thought he'd be insulted, the chuckle proved her wrong, as well as the look of amusement. "Yes, Salem and I have been together for a while now. At least a century now."

A hundred years?! And Salem was married?! She had died. Summer Rose had died, and her soul had been transferred to a different dimension. A world in which up was down, down was up, and Salem was a world-conquering housewife.

"How," she asked, trying to get a handle on all the new information she'd learned in such a short amount of time. "How did you two meet?"

"That's a funny story. It all started when-"

"Honey," Salem interrupted. "I'm sure we can tell her that story another time. I have important business with her at the moment."

He went to her side, the look of hurt so fake Summer felt Qrow could do better, "More important than me, my queen?"

"Never, my mighty tailed-beast."

As the two kissed, Summer's eye twitched. Not because of awkward it felt to watch was akin to her grandparents sharing a moment, if her grandmother was an eldritch abomination, but how normal it all seemed. Like a family.

Also, tailed-beast? The man didn't have any tails!

The moment ended as what sounded like yet another child roared, "Shukaku! Why is there sand in my room?!"

Hagoromo sighed, straightening back up, "A father's work is never done."

Salem watched him exit through the doors he came in, saying something about hating to see him go but loved to watch him leave. And if that didn't paint a nasty picture in the younger woman's head.

"Now, if we can get back to business."

"Yes, please." Summer practically begged. Please, just whatever it is Salem wants, let it make sense.

"Now, do you or do you not deny that you have once been known as the queen of cookies."

Of course. Of course, it wouldn't make sense. And the queen of cookies? Maybe to her daughters, but she doubted they would have told the not-so-evil queen of Grimm.

"I would advise not denying it," the immortal told her before Summer could speak. "This information comes from your old teammate, Raven Branwen."

Her brain short-circuited, "Raven?" She hadn't seen the woman in years. Not since Beacon graduation. Why would she tell Salem anything? Didn't Raven run away so she wouldn't get caught up in the shadow war?

"How?" was all Summer could force out.

"And then, my idiot brother turns into a bird and hides in the girl's locker room," Raven told her story to the bluenette on the other side of the table. "Guess he didn't remember that our team leader was a girl, and knew he had that power."

Matabi's mismatched eyes of amber and emerald danced with amusement, "I guess she didn't appreciate a little birdy spying on her."

The ravenette snorted, "Dumbass wasn't allowed in the room for a week. The only bath he could take was the birdbath."

"The same one you staked as your own? Attacking other birds that got near?"

"Tha- I was drunk!" Raven spluttered. Matabi just rolled her eyes. She doubted Beacon allowed alcohol on school grounds.

"Tell me about your old leader," she changed the subject to avoid another fight with Raven. It could be fun at times, but the half-Grimm would prefer to enjoy he drink today.

"Not much to tell. Goodie-goodie from day one. She wanted everyone to be friends."

That didn't sound so bad, "Was she weak."

"If she were, I would have been team leader. Summer could match me in a fight. And she had one other special skill."

"Oh? Do tell."

Raven took another swig of her beer, "My people may call me the bandit queen. But in Beacon, Summer held the title of queen. The cookie queen."

The other woman paused, drink in hand, and brow raised, "Cookie queen?"

"Yes," Raven nodded seriously, Speaking serious on such an odd topic, there was no doubt Matabi's partner had lost to her alcohol. With a grin, the bluenette chalked up another win. "Summer had some chocolate-chip recipe that she wouldn't tell anyone. And I swear on my tribe, those cookies could end conflicts."

Raven began to ramble on, giving some examples but getting lost on other topics before she finished the thought. The tent opened, and a man entered, bald and scarred, holding more beer bottles in his hands.

"Lady Matabi," he greeted.

With a beautiful smile, stretching the cat whiskered tattoos on her cheeks, she thanked him. But her mind was on what Raven had told her. A cookie recipe that could end conflicts? Interesting.

Summer's eyes were wide, mouth agape. Had she been ambushed and kidnapped all for a chocolate-chip cookie recipe? That Raven had told Salem's eldest daughter of while in a drinking contest? And how many children did this woman have?!

"Now you know, there is no point in lying to me, Cookie Queen," Salem said with more seriousness than the situation called for.

Summer sighed, "Is that all you wanted? A baking recipe?"

"Of course," she confirmed. "What other reason could I possibly have to call on you?"

"Because I'm a silver-eyed warrior?"

The immortal waved it off, "Then I'd just have you killed."

Don't say that so calmly while bouncing a kid on your leg!

It was too much—all of it. From beginning to end, it was all ridiculous. Summer felt defeated by the insanity of it all.

"Okay."

"Okay, what?"

"I'll teach you," Summer enlightened. Her eyes narrowed. "I can go home afterward, right?"

"I don't see why not. I only want your cookies."

Please don't say it like that. Still, Summer breathed a sigh of relief. She wasn't going to die. She could go back home to Tai and her little girls.

"You have daughters?" the question, innocent enough, sounded ominous from the woman before her. Had Summer said that aloud? "Interesting. I would like to hear about them while we're in the kitchens."

Summer stood up, beckoned to follow Salem, who was still holding on to little Isobu. She whimpered at the thought of the conversation that would come.

Qrow stood outside his teammate's home on the island of Patch. The chill of the night air barely registered. Ozpin had told him it was fool's errand. That no one could invade Salem's castle, and anyone who had made it there would die. The old man wanted the ex-bandit to give up on his team leader, but he wouldn't have it. If he couldn't do it alone, then he'd get allies. And the first would be his teammate.

A fist knocked on the wooden door. Not a minute later, it opened. The blonde revealed with a wide smile and expectant look in his eye. Qrow and Summer had left on a mission days ago, and were expected back around now. Blue eyes met red, and the smile dipped a little.

"Qrow? What's going on? Where's Summer?"

Qrow noticed two small figures move about in the darkness of the hall. "We need to talk," he told Taiyang. "Outside."

The grin was gone, and orbs froze. There was still an expectation, but one much worse. "What happened?"

The blond didn't budge, and Qrow could see Yang and Ruby's silhouettes try to get closer to hear without getting caught.

"We really need to talk outside," Take the hint.

Tai did not, "Just... Just tell me."

Qrow let out a frustrated sigh, "Summer's been taken to the Grimmlands." The girls gasped, but Tai's attention was focused on him. "I'm going to get her back. We're going to get her back."

It wasn't the perfect plan nor even proper a plan. Gather a group, storm the Grimmlands, rescue Summer, and get out. Qrow knew it was sudden and risky, but he needed people. Taiyang was the first he asked. The man was loyal, and that was his wife that had been taken. The crimson-eyed man didn't believe for a moment that Tai wouldn't follow Summer into the abyss.

The winds whipped around them, blocking out any answer the blonde could have given him. Qrow turned, his eyes widened at the sight of a massive wyvern above the Xiao Long – Rose home. Taiyang ran back in, no doubt, to grab his children, while Qrow armed himself with Harbinger. In his mind, he remembered a history lesson. The last time a wyvern had been seen was during the Great War, and it took an army to kill it. He guessed he'd have to work overtime.

Baleful red eyes stared down at him, but it didn't snap or roar. Instead, it descended. On the ground, Qrow readied himself for a jaw to strike at him, but the creature continued to look at him. At the edge of his vision, the man saw a smaller figure descend from its back. A figure in a white cloak. They said something to the Grimm that he couldn't hear, and then it was once again airborne.

Qrow stood, dumbfounded, weapon in hand as the kidnapped Summer Rose strolled up to him.

"Sum-" she held a hand up.

Tired silver eyes looked at him, "Not now. I've been kidnapped to teach a child doting immortal how to bake cookies, just to fly home on the back of a dragon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a play date in the Grimmlands I have to somehow talk Tai into, and a hunt for a certain bird-brained drunkard to plan."

Without another word, Summer walked through the still-open door into her home. As it closed, Qrow was left trying to decipher what he had just heard. The first thought that came to mind was;

What were the cookies for?

A teal haired boy balanced his elbows atop of his younger brother's head, Isobu not seeming to mind as both continued to munch on a sugary treat their mom had baked for them. Two pairs of eyes watched the other two of the seven-year-old triplets. Kurama, hair of burnt orange with eyes that glowed red, dressed in an orange kimono with a black hadajuban, was arguing with their third brother. Short sandy-brown hair resting in Kurama's hand as he pushed the yellow-eyed Shukaku away. His black t-shirt wrinkled, and the brown scarf around his neck kept just out of reach from his brother.

"Give it back!" Shukaku demanded, grasping for the scroll in Kurama's hand.

"It's mine!"

"Liar! You took that from my room!"

"After you filled my room with sand and ruined my scroll."

Chomei and Isobu nodded, not in agreement with what either said but more just to be doing something. It wasn't new for the two to be fighting. Maybe it was Kurama practicing a technique Gyuki had showed him, breaking one of Shukaku's toys, along with several stone pillars near their house. Or the other pulling some stunt, usually having to do with sand. Whether filling his room with the stuff, one of their rooms, or even the bathtubs a couple of times. Their parents try to get him to stop, but they think its more of a lack of control than anything else. Magic was weird like that.

"That's not fair," Shukaku continued. Face an angry red with teary eyes.

Kurama scoffed, "What's not fair is having to wait until Uncle Watts gets me a new one because you can't keep your dirt from getting everywhere."

"It's sand, you stupid fox!"

"I don't care, you dumb tanuki!"

Like a switch had been flipped, the color from both brothers' hair began to fade. Their skin drained to chalk white. Sclera turning black, making their red and yellow eyes glow menacingly. From behind them grew black tails. One large raccoon-dog tail swayed behind Shukaku while nine appendages came from Kurama. Something that always seemed to amuse the fox-like boy.

"Still weak, one-tail."

Shukaku growled, "Having more tails doesn't make you stronger, idiot."

Before the two could come to blows, Chomei moved. Not out of concern for his brothers. They did this all the time. Then they'd get in trouble with mom or dad, be punished, and then pout while blaming the other. No, it wasn't them he worried about, but the room they were in—specifically, Chomei's room. In a blink, he was between the two, a homemade snack in each hand that was thrust into their open, screaming mouths.

With a snap, their jaws clicked shut, as they began to chew on the treat. The two's skin and hair returned their color, as the tails receded. The teal-haired boy looked back to see Isobu finishing his cookie. Chomei took a final bite of his own, that he had held in his mouth when he moved.

Cookies were for peace.

So ends the first chapter. I'm not sure how it'll be taken, but I had fun writing it. Next chapter will be the Playdate, but I have three other stories to update first. I have it all in a certain order, found on my profile.

Until next time.