Act 2
The inside of the chapel, seconds after the end of Act 1. The Wedding March is playing and all of the guests are standing up, looking at the double doors of the chapel expectantly. After much rustling and banging around, the doors open, revealing Helen and Martha with tense smiles on their faces. Lana, now wearing a pair of dark sunglasses, is still holding Helen's train and Chloe runs up the aisle, taking pictures of the guests. They murmur against the bright light.
Middle-aged Man: Ouch.
Old Woman: Young lady, please.
Helen: (Through her smile.) Does Lana have to hold my train? She's pulling my hair.
Martha: (Also through her smile.) Pain is beauty, Helen. Pain is beauty.
They begin to march forward.
Helen: Thank you so much for giving me away, Mrs. Kent. You don't know how much it means to me.
Martha: Don't thank me yet. With an aisle this long, any number of things could go wrong before we get to the altar.
Helen: (Nervous.) What?
Lex and Clark arrive at the door behind Helen and Martha.
Lex: Stop!
Clark: I have the groom!
Lana: (Trying to see.) Clark?
Helen: Lex?
Lex: You weren't thinking about getting married without me, were you?
Martha: (Suspicious.) Where have you two been?
Clark: In the groom room.
Helen: The what?
Lex & Clark: The groom room!
Helen: Oh.
Martha: Well, you're here now, so hurry! Get up to the altar!
Lex: Oh, right! Thank you, Mrs. Kent. We couldn't have done this without you.
Martha: You're welcome. And please, call me Martha. After all, you'll be my son in civil union soon.
Lex: (Confused.) What?
Clark: (Excited.) Really?!
Helen: That's it. I'm outta here.
The Wedding March stops. The guests remain standing and watch the following exchange. Helen turns around and tries unsuccessfully to maneuver through the crowd of people in the aisle to the door as Chloe snaps a picture in her face.
Helen: Ow.
Lex: Helen, where are you going?
Helen: I can't marry you, Lex. You lie to me, you make me walk down the aisle with a woman who thinks everyone is marrying her son, and now you're standing arm in arm with your best man on our wedding day!
Chloe snaps a picture of Lex and Clark.
Lex & Clark: Ow.
Lex: Of course I'm standing arm in arm with Clark, he's giving me away!
Helen: You don't give the groom away, Lex! He should already be at the altar when the bride comes in!
Clark: (Defensively.) He was getting ready in the groom room!
Martha: (Matter of fact.) It's true, Helen. If they weren't out here and they weren't with us, they must have been in the groom room.
Helen: There is no such thing as a groom room!!!
Lex: Now, Helen, I can personally vouch for the existence of the groom room. Jonathan and Pete are in there playing Egyptian Rat Screw as we speak.
Chloe: Egyptian what?
Lana: (Annoyed.) Rat Screw! Honestly, Chloe, don't you ever leave the Torch?
Chloe: (Quietly.) I take bathroom breaks.
Helen: Look around us, Lex! We can't even make it up the aisle because of our lunatic wedding party!
Lex: (Putting an arm around Clark.) Hey, watch it. These are my friends you're talking about.
Helen: That's just the problem, you're too invested in this town. I wasn't planning on spending the rest of my life here, you know.
Clark: (Pulling Lex even closer.) She has a point, Lex. Maybe this whole thing was a little rushed.
Lex: No, no, you're wrong, Clark. There was nothing rushed about it. I knew from the second I met Helen in anger management class that we were meant to be.
Clark: But you don't even have anger management issues.
Lex: True…
Helen: But I do, Lex, and so help me, if you don't stop groping Clark I'm gonna knock you flat!
Clark: (Standing in front of Lex.) Hey, back off!
Chloe snaps a picture.
Clark & Helen: Ow.
Helen: Don't stand in my way, Clark. You may be a Martian or whatever, but I am having a really bad day!
Chloe: A Martian?
Lex: I knew it!
Lana: Clark is from South America??
Martha: (Loudly.) Well, gosh darn it, I guess the cat's out of the bag. You're right, Lana, Clark was born in South America.
Clark: No I wasn't.
Martha: Yes you were!
Chloe: That does account for his complexion.
Helen: (Completely losing it.) It doesn't account for anything, it's a lie! No wonder Martha is so confused all the time. She lies so much, she doesn't even know the truth anymore!
Martha: That's Mrs. Kent to you, Missy. I'll be damned if I'll let my son marry such an impertinent little brat!
Helen: Lex isn't your son, you idiot!
Lana: (Walking toward Helen, stumbling over Helen's train.) Now hold on! Mrs. Kent is a good and honest woman. How dare you—
Chloe: (To Lana.) Oh, what would you know about good and honest, Miss Clark and I Are Just Friends?
Lana: We are just friends, right Clark?
Clark: Right.
Lana: See? Wait, what? Clark, I thought you were going to tell her.
Clark: Tell her what?
Lana: You know… about us?
Lex & Chloe: 'Us'?
Clark: Well, you've been lying all day. I figured you'd changed your mind about telling her.
Chloe: Telling me what?!
Lana: Clark and I kissed! Passionately! With our tongues!
Lex & Chloe: What?!?
Clark: That's not how it happened at all!
Lana: And he said he loves me!
Clark: I was trying to tell you I loved your cake, but you kissed me before I could finish!
Martha & Helen: (Shocked.) Her cake?
Clark: She made me a birthday cake.
Martha: Oh. (To Helen.) Get your mind out of the gutter.
Helen: Hey, you thought it too!
Chloe: (To Clark.) That doesn't explain why you were kissing in the first place!
Lana: Because we love each other!
Lex: Lana, would you please let Clark answer for himself?
Lana: Fine.
Lex: Clark, go ahead.
Clark: Well, it seems like every time Lana and I kiss, we end up not talking to each other for the following few weeks. So she's been especially clingy lately, and I needed to focus on stopping—uh, that is helping with the wedding, and I was hoping if I gave in and kissed her, she would go away.
Lana: (Tragically.) No!!!
Chloe snaps a picture.
Lana: Ow!
Chloe: That'll be a keeper.
Clark: Chloe, please, don't make this any harder than it needs to be.
Chloe: I'm sorry, Clark. I'm just so happy that you chose me!
Clark: I didn't choose you.
Chloe: What?
Lana: Yes! I knew you loved me, Clark! I just knew it. Now keep talking so I can follow the sound of your voice and give you a big wet—
Clark: Lana, I didn't choose you either! We've already covered this!
Martha: You didn't choose Lana or Chloe? My goodness, if you didn't choose either of them, who on Earth could you have chosen?
Helen: (Looking at Lex and Clark who are nearly in a full embrace at this point.) Who the hell do you think?
Clark: Well, I guess you'll all find out eventually anyway.
Helen: I wouldn't bet on it. Lana isn't the only blind one around here.
Lana: (To Helen.) Oh, did Chloe attack you too?
Lex: Quiet, both of you! Clark is about to tell us who he wants to spend the rest of his life with!
Clark: (Startled.) The rest of my life?
Lex: Well, I kind of figured… I mean if you really are in love with this person…
Clark: I am! I am!
Lex: (Leaning in closer to Clark.) And if you never want this person to leave your side…
Clark: (Quieter.) I don't. I don't.
Lex: (His lips nearly touching Clark's.) And if you want to be with this person through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, until death and beyond…
Clark: (Whispering.) I do. I do.
Lex: (Suddenly loud, as clueless as everyone else.) Then tell us, Clark! Who is it?
The rest of the guests lean in and murmur.
Guests: Come on, Clark! Tell us! We have to know!
Clark straightens up, gripping Lex's hand happily.
Clark: Okay then, here goes. I am madly and passionately in love with--
Jonathan: (From outside the chapel.) Pete Ross! Get back here!!!
Pete bursts through the doors waving a set of keys over his head. Jonathan chases him up the aisle.
Pete: Never! I won that game fair and square! Gertrude is mine!
Chloe snaps a picture. Jonathan and Pete stop dead in their tracks, blinded.
Jonathan & Pete: Ow!
Martha: Thank you, Chloe.
Chloe: No problem. Anyway, Clark, you were saying?
Clark: Right. I am wildly enthralled with and painfully attracted to--
Helen: Okay, hold on! Do you really think I'm gonna stand here and watch my future go down the toilet because of some farm boy's crush? Unh-unh. From now on, I'm in control.
Helen pulls a shotgun out of her dress and waves it at everyone threateningly. They all gasp and hold up their hands. The guests start trying to leave, but Helen stops them.
Helen: Nobody move!
Martha: What in heaven's name?
Lex: Helen, don't do this!
Jonathan: Pete, I still can't see. What's going on?
Pete: Helen's got a gun!
Chloe: This is unbelievable. (Raises her camera.)
Helen: One more flash from that thing and it'll be the last picture you take!
Chloe slowly lowers the camera.
Lex: Please, Helen. It's not too late.
Helen: You're right, Lex. It's not too late. You see, we are going to get married and Lionel is going to pay me that five million dollars he promised.
Martha: What?
Helen: That's right, I was bribed. See? Honesty isn't that difficult. You freaks should all give it a try.
Lana: But we can't!
Jonathan: It would be too easy!
Pete: Who you callin' a freak?
Lex: Be quiet! Everyone! (Stepping closer to Helen.) Helen, what happened to you saving me from becoming my father? Helping me tear down the wall I've built around my heart?
Helen: Did you honestly think I fell for that crap? This is a relationship of convenience, Lex! That's all it's ever been! I needed to pay off my college loans and you needed a cover-up for your affair with a minor!
Chloe: No! (Starts to raise her camera.)
Helen: Yes! And don't even think about it.
Chloe lowers the camera.
Clark: (Pulling away from Lex.) You're having an affair with a minor?!
Lex: No I'm not! Helen, that isn't true!
Helen: Well, maybe not. But you wanted to.
Clark: I can't believe this.
Lex: Clark, it's not what you think!
Clark: I don't want to hear anymore! I'm leaving! (He storms to the double doors.) I regret the day I ever fell in love with—
Lionel: Lex Luthor!
Lionel Luthor bursts through the doors, blocking Clark's way.
Lex: Dad!
Helen: Lionel!
Pete: Thief!
Jonathan: Bastard!
Martha: (Very calm and polite.) Mr. Luthor, how good to see you.
Lionel: Always a pleasure, Martha. Lex, I must stop this wedding.
Lex: We were actually doing a pretty good job of that on our own…
Lionel: Don't argue with me, son, this is for the best. As it turns out, not only is your little bride-to-be a side-winding silver-tongued snake and a money-laundering maid of malevolence, but a big-breasted belligerent bouncing bimbo!
Lex: Huh?
Lionel: I'm sleeping with her.
Lex: Well, naturally.
Lionel: And she's planning to kill you and inherit all of your money!
Lex & Clark: What?!?!
Clark runs back to Lex and guards him against Helen.
Helen: (To Clark.) Not right now, you moron. I have to marry him first.
Lionel: You'll do no such thing, my delicate flower. Anyone who can screw my son over with such dignity and panache deserves a pay raise. I am offering you the job of my personal assistant. Come, Doctor, and together we will be unstoppable!
Helen: Um, as flattering as it is, I kind of already have a job.
Lionel: Ah, well. Your loss then. Gentlemen! Take her away!
Helen: What?
A group of intimidating police officers come in and grab Helen by the arms.
Officer: I have to ask you to drop the gun, ma'am.
Chloe: My life be damned! This is too good to miss!
Chloe snaps picture after picture of Helen being arrested. Before Helen drops the gun she goes into an insane rage and manages to fire four shots, one at Chloe, one at Lex, one at Lionel, and one at Pete.
Suddenly everything seems to go in slow motion as Clark starts running up and down the aisle, attempting to block all the bullets. He leaps in front of Lex and the bullet bounces off his chest. As he is running over to Chloe, he melts the bullet headed for Lionel with his heat vision, then catches the bullet about to hit Chloe. Then he runs toward Pete, who is still farther up the aisle with Jonathan, but he doesn't get there in time. The bullet strikes Pete directly in the heart and Pete falls to the ground motionless.
Clark: No! Somebody help me! Pete's been shot! We have to get him to a hospital now!
Clark looks around and nobody is moving. Not even the guests. Confused, he looks at his watch, which is also completely still and realizes that he hasn't come out of super speed mode yet.
Clark: Damn. (He slaps himself in the face and everything around him comes back to life.) No! Somebody help me! Pete's been shot! We have to get him to a hospital now!
Helen: Let me go! I'm a doctor!
Officer: No can do, little lady. It's off to the big house with you.
The police drag Helen away and Lionel leaves with them. Jonathan kneels over Pete, and Lex takes Clark in his arms.
Jonathan: I'm sorry, son. It looks like it's too late anyway.
Clark: No!
Lex: It's okay, Clark, I'm here.
Lana: I'm here too, Clark!
Chloe: Me too! I'm not going anywhere!
Jonathan: (Taking a flask from his jacket.) He should only be so lucky.
Lana & Chloe: What?
Jonathan: Nothing, girls. Drink?
Lana & Chloe: Please!
Jonathan, Lana, and Chloe pass the flask back and forth as the guests start to leave. Lex and Clark walk to the altar hand in hand, contemplative.
Lex: Well, other than Pete, things actually turned out okay today.
Clark: You're right. Helen's gone, the wedding didn't happen, and now...
Lex: Now?
Clark: Now I can finally tell you how I feel. It seems like I've waited an eternity to say this!
Lex: Actually closer to a year and a half, but please! Go on.
Clark: Lex, I love you! I love you more than anything else in this world and I want to spend the rest of my life with you!
Jonathan, Lana, and Chloe all start to choke on their rum.
Lex: (Not noticing.) I love you too, Clark! Let's never spend another minute apart!
They kiss passionately while Jonathan, Lana, and Chloe pass around Chloe's camera, blinding themselves with the flash.
FLASH!
Jonathan: Ow.
FLASH!
Lana: Ow.
FLASH!
Chloe: Ow. Where's the rum?
Clark: I can't believe how perfect everything is! It's almost like there was someone orchestrating the whole thing so that we could be together!
Pete: (Sitting up.) Actually there was.
Martha: Pete?!
Pete: Surprise!
Lex: But how did you--?
Pete: (Opening his shirt.) Bulletproof vest.
Clark: I don't understand.
Pete: Well, it all started back in October when I found out you were an alien.
Martha: What? Clark's not an alien!
Jonathan & Chloe & Lana & Lex: YES, HE IS!
Martha: Okay, fine. He is.
Pete: Anyway, I was pretty peeved at first. It's not every day you find out your best friend has been keeping an earth-shattering secret from you your entire life. But I got over it, and then Clark saved my life, and I decided to return the favor. Well, saving one's life isn't an easy favor to return as I'm sure you can all understand.
Lex & Lana & Chloe: Mm-hmm.
Pete: So I decided that I had to give Clark something huge, something he wanted more than anything in the world, but I didn't know what that was. I did, however, know where Clark kept his journal and I decided to snoop. What I found there was even more terrifying than the secret of his origins. Lo and behold, Clark Kent had a crush on Lex Luthor! More than a crush! He was in love! He had been in love ever since the day they met on the bridge, or should I say, below the bridge when they locked lips for the first time. Now, I'm not gay or anything and even though this totally disgusted me, I decided that I should just deal with it, the same way I dealt with Clark's other secret. But how was I ever to get them together? A perfect opportunity presented itself when Lex parked his car illegally outside the Talon one sunny afternoon last November. Knowing that Lex is especially sensitive about matters of money and being treated like an outcast, I paid the meter maid to goad Lex into something drastic, nearly guaranteeing Lex would land himself in an anger management class alongside my doctor at the time, Dr. Helen Bryce, who had recently dropkicked an orderly right in front of me. Once they met, I knew it was only a matter of time until Lex's stylish good looks and overflowing wallet would have Helen all over him, taking into account of course, the fact that Lex's constant dreamy stares at Clark rendered him in dire need of a cover-up wife, and the fact that Helen was constantly moaning to anyone who would listen about her need for more cash to pay off her college loans. And before half the population of Smallville even knew they were dating, Helen and Lex were engaged!
But little did they know that several weeks earlier, with the help of some old notes I stole from Dr. Hamilton's barn when he was holding me hostage there, I had designed a unique strain of the flu with the Kryptonite dust, and sprinkled it all over the inside of Clark's storm cellar. I asked Mrs. Kent to go down and get some of her peaches for one of her delicious desserts, because I knew that once Mrs. Kent was diagnosed, the Disease Control Agency would have to search the grounds, making it necessary for Clark and me to hide the spaceship, and in turn causing Clark to become infected. You see, I needed to weaken him so that Helen could take a sample of his blood, being as Lex is aware of absolutely everything that goes on in or around Clark's life, and would soon learn that Helen knew something he didn't, not only making him concerned for Clark's safety, but inflaming his male ego and thereby driving the wedge even deeper into his relationship with the good doctor.
And the rest, as they say, is history. Lex stole from Helen, Helen got mad, Lex apologized, Helen realized she still needed the money, Lex was in denial about his sexuality, and I sent an anonymous tip to Lionel Luthor saying that Helen was planning to kill Lex. As for the bulletproof vest, I figured something big would be going down today and I decided to be on the safe side.
Everyone stares at Pete with their mouths hanging open.
Pete: What? The token black guy can't be an evil genius?
Fade to black.
THE END