This is a semi-continuation, semi-new story in which, you guessed it, the Les Misérables characters have to perform a play, and if you remember, Eponine hypnotized Enjolras (Oh, I know that sounds weird) And Enjolras proposed, dundundun!
Eponine: Enjolras…
Grantaire: I really need a drink
Enjolras: It's the only honorable thing to do
Eponine: I don't want to get married because of honor!
Enjolras: Eponine, the things we did…
Eponine: Believe me Enjolras, we didn't do anything bad.
Enjolras: Eponine, I remember everything
Eponine: I refuse to get married for anything but love!
Me: I need a drink
Javert: You're too young
Me: Can you blame me though?
Javert: I could use a little liquor myself
Enjolras: Eponine, my moral principles dictate-
Eponine: I don't care!
Enjolras: Eponine, please, I must-
Eponine: No, could there be a less romantic phrase before 'marry me' than 'my moral principles dictate' and 'the only honorable thing to do'?
Enjolras: I didn't mean it that way Eponine.
Eponine: It sure sounded like you did.
Enjolras: Believe me, I don't go around asking every girl I kiss to marry me.
Grantaire: Actually, since this is the first one I've seen…
Combeferre: Ah, but the circumstances are very different here
Marius: If Enjolras gets married, I'll be a rich man
Cosette: You're a rich man anyway.
Marius: Yeah, but I have a few bets
Grantaire: You're not gonna hold us to those bets are you?
Courfeyrac: Who would have ever though that this could be?
Feuilly: That just isn't right.
Bahorel: I think I'm even more afraid now than when he was hypnotized
Courfeyrac: Can you imagine Enjolras married?
Eponine: Come on Enjolras
Feuilly: An apartment in Paris
Eponine: You're being irrational
Bousset: The little wife cooking him dinner
Enjolras: I am being perfectly rational!
Combeferre: And a dozen little Enjolras's
Enjolras: You are the one who was being irrational, hypnotizing me, in mercy's name, what were you thinking?
Grantaire: All with little red vests
Eponine: Well, if you hadn't been acting so stuffy
Courfeyrac: Can you imagine?
Enjolras: I was not acting stuffy!
Feuilly: 'Down with naptime!'
Eponine: You so were!
Bahorel: 'No more baths!'
Enjolras: I was not!
Bousset: And Enjolras, the caring father 'Now children, I am going to tell you a story about a wonderful man. He wasn't a prince, no, not anything so horrible. He was a great man and his name was Robespierre'
Marius: 'I remember a time when there was no guillotine and there was no equality in death, so be thankful for what you have.'
Combeferre: But they would probably be beautiful children.
Grantaire: Of course, all the other children would be jealous or in love with them.
Courfeyrac: 'Mommy, mommy, help me! A group of lovesick girls followed me home!'
Feuilly: 'Now junior, that's something that you will have to learn to live with'
Bousset: 'I know I have'
Courfeyrac: 'But now I have an excuse to stay away from them. That is the best thing about being married'
Bahorel: 'Well, not the best thing'
Bousset: 'What do you mean father?'
Courfeyrac: 'I will tell you when you're older. Now put on your little red vest and start studying Voltaire!'
Bahorel: 'If I must father.'
Feuilly: 'Oh Ponine, darling'
Bousset: (in high falsetto) 'Yes, Enjolras darling?'
Feuilly: 'You know, I've been wanting another child'
Bousset: 'But we have 6 already'
Feuilly: 'Oh, but I do love children'
Bousset: 'You sure do' ::they make false kissing noises::
Enjolras: ::clearing throat:: You do realize I can hear every word you are saying…
Marius: Um..., uh oh?
Combeferre: Stay calm Enjolras. Don't do anything you'll regret!
Enjolras: I think I've done enough things to regret for one day!
Eponine: Enjolras!
Enjolras: I did not mean it like that! Oh, heaven help us!
Me: Well, I think I have the solution to this problem!
Grantaire: You do?
Javert: I find that hard to believe.
Marius: Well then please, enlighten us.
Me: We have to perform another play!
All: NO!
Me: Yes!!!
Enjolras: That is probably the last thing we need right now.
Me: No, it's perfect, it will give you guys time to think.
Javert: And what, praytell, are you making us perform?
Me: You guys have a choice
Javert: You're really giving us a choice? Ah, excellent benefactress!
Me: Choice one: Jane Eyre
Valjean: But lots of people did not like that book!
Me: I could say the same thing for Les Misérables
Feuilly: You didn't like our book?
Jehan: Now I am sad.
Me: No, I did like the book, oh you people! I'm just saying that while a few people did not like the book, there is no one who did not like the musical
Valjean: Darn tootin!
Me: So you should at least give Jane Eyre a try. The second choice is Grease.
Marius: No way, have you seen their hair?
Javert: Like you should talk!
Marius: Don't start with me, sideburns!
Javert: Sideburns? Oh, I'll show you sideburns!
Me: People, please! Just because we don't perform it today doesn't mean we will never perform it, so keep that in mind.
Valjean: That would be easy casting.
Cosette: I was made to be Sandy
Eponine: Oh, so I would be Rizzo, the loose one? Figures, I don't want to do that one!
Javert: At least not today, I would have like two words.
Valjean: What a shame…
Me: I'm running low on choices here, any ideas?
Azelma: We should do another movie, I enjoy actually having a part.
Me: Well then, what movie?
Grantaire: Well, I guess anything as long as it's not Disney.
Me: Disney? What a fabulous idea!
Grantaire: I was kidding, I mean, they are all cartoons!
Me: But you have some great stories, oh, the Little Mermaid!!! Over protective father, daughter falls in love with a prince, who just happens to look a lot like Marius…
Marius: I do not look anything like a cartoon!
Enjolras: No, no cartoons, I absolutely draw the line at that!!!
Me: Fine, be that way you mean person! Any ideas, moviewise?
Bahorel: Fight Club
Jehan: Casablanca
Bousset: Superman
Grantaire: Rocky
Gavroche: VeggieTales
Courfeyrac: VeggieTales?
Eponine: Oh, I like those!
Combeferre: They are actually very educational…
Courfeyrac: You've actually heard of them?
Feuilly: Hasn't everybody?
Cosette: That is the best show!
Marius: Larry is my favorite!
Javert: Figures…
Courfeyrac: Am I the only one who hasn't heard of these? Grantaire?
Grantaire: Well, they teach good things, and there's no liquor, but I have to admit it's a pretty good show…
Courfeyrac: Enjolras? Please tell me I'm not the only one!
Enjolras: I'm sorry friend, but I too have been swept up by the VeggieTales craze.
Valjean: I have the t-shirt.
Gavroche: I have the beanie stuffed animal things
Me: I have all the videos! Courfeyrac, stop looking at me like that, I can like other things too!
Enjolras: As much as I like the vegetables, I refuse to act as one of them.
Me: But they teach bible stories, and silly songs!
Enjolras: I refuse to dress up as a tomato!
Me: Come on Enjy!
Enjolras: No.
Courfeyrac: I need to get out more…
Me: Oh, fine, be that way! We are still no closer to deciding what to perform.
Grantaire: Not to mention the wedding proposal hanging over our heads…
Me: I'm still leaning to Jane Eyre…
Azelma: But there is such a small cast in that!
Me: True…
Grantaire: Can we do something in which there is coffee?
Azelma: Ah, we've created a monster!
Grantaire: But coffee, oh, it is so good, and hot and smooth, and it makes me happy.
Eponine: I could say the same for Enjolras, at least when he was hypnotized.
Enjolras: Okay,…just,…no.
Me: Come on, we need decisions!
Javert: Let's do something about the police!
Marius: Police Academy?
Javert: No!
Valjean: How about, the Fugitive?
Me: It fits, but I've only seen it once
Javert: Even better then…
Combeferre: We need something with brains.
Jehan: And heart!
Enjolras: And a revolutionary theme as well!
Javert: And police!
Valjean: And convicts!
Cosette and Marius: And love!
Grantaire: AND COFFEE!
Me: People, are you all insane?????
Javert: Well, I know a few of us are…
Me: Ok, so, we still don't have any movie ideas?
Courfeyrac: Oh, I know the perfect movie!
Me: What, please tell me.
Courfeyrac: Pretty Woman
Me: The one with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere?
Eponine: But she's a prostitute!
Me: But they do live happily ever after, it does kind of fit…
Eponine: Are you calling me a prostitute?
Me: Of course not! It's just a love story of a girl down on her luck and a rich handsome man.
Grantaire: In other words, Eponine and Enjolras have the main parts again…
Me: Pretty much.
Cosette: You like them better than you like me and Marius, don't you?
Me: Well…
Marius: I think that means yes darling
Cosette: Oh well, as long as you love me Marius…
Marius: I do Cosette!
Cosette: Well then I am content.
Me: So for this story we are doing Pretty Woman?
Valjean: No offense, but your last story stunk, it went overboard.
Me: Oh, now why would I take offense at that?
Valjean: It's true, the first one was much better.
Javert: I have to agree.
Me: When Javert agrees with Valjean I know we have a problem. Did you all think the last story was so bad?
Cosette: Truthfully?
Marius: Yes
Javert: You are obsessed with Eponine and Enjolras-
Feuilly: You barely did anything with the movie last time-
Bahorel: You might as well just write love stories for them-
Courfeyrac: Instead of trying to make us perform something stupid-
Combeferre: Which is the very last thing we want!
Me: Well, if that's how you all feel…
Bousset: We do!
Me: I guess you're right
Valjean: We are
Me: So I should just stop writing?
Javert: Sounds good to me
Me: Well, okay then I guess you're all free then…
Jehan: (quietly) I like acting
Courfeyrac: Be quiet Jehan!!!!
Me: (hopeful) You do?
Jehan: Kind of. It's better than doing nothing. It's not like we have lives we need to be living
Marius: Some of us do
Cosette: Some of us are still alive!
Eponine: Well then I feel your pain for having to waste a few precious hours of your time!
Javert: Oh, sarcasm, biting.
Cosette: It's not my fault I live happily ever after! Blame Victor Hugo!
Me: BLASPHEMY! You leave Victor Hugo alone! He is a genius!
Javert: More so than you are obviously…
Me: So I can't write, sue me!
Javert: Where's the lawyer boy?
Enjolras: NO!
Valjean: Here we go again.
Enjolras: Am I the only one who remembers all the discord of the last show?
Grantaire: Discord?
Javert: Someone's been studying the dictionary
Enjolras: Have not! I'm just educated.
Bahorel: Yeah, we're all college students, remember?
Javert: I have more important things on my mind then to remember all of your occupations boy!
Bahorel: Do you want to take this outside?
Javert: Threatening a police inspector? Jail!
Valjean: Javert really!
Javert: Questioning a police inspector's judgment? Jail!
Cosette: Leave my father alone you big mean man!
Javert: Calling a police inspector names? Jail!
Marius: Now listen here Javert-
Javert: Failing to address a police inspector as 'inspector'? Jail!
Gavroche: You need a life
Javert: Questioning a police inspector's lifestyle AND making grotesque faces at him? Jail!
Feuilly: Do you think you can take us all to jail?
Javert: Asking a perfectly reasonable question of said police inspector? Jail!
Courfeyrac: He's gone insane
Javert: Questioning a police inspector's sanity? Jail!
Me: Note to self: Write slash fiction with Javert and……Grantaire
Javert: Threatening to write me into a slash fiction? Jail!
Grantaire: Oy-
Javert: Being an accessory to me being writ into a slash fiction? Jail!
Me: Grantaire, give me your watch.
Grantaire: Anything for a lady.
Javert: Using the same line over and over? Jail!
Me:
::swinging watch back and forth in front of entire cast:: You are all
getting sleepy, very sleepy. ::They all fall into a stupor:: Now when you
all wake up you will forget everything that has happened for the last few days.
And the only thing that will make you remember all of it is if, um, I tell
Javert that he is a big fluffy teddy bear, and that is NEVER going to happen. ::snaps
fingers::
The cast of Les Misérables is assembled on a set, looking really, REALLY unhappy
Valjean: (Indignant) Hey, you're not the one who usually makes us do these stupid things.
Javert: (crossing his arms over his chest) Great, now we have a copycat bossing us around.
Me: Gee, this seems familiar…
Grantaire: What the-? Coffee? Where's my absinthe?
Me: Try the coffee…
Grantaire: Hey, this stuff isn't half bad… But, I'm sober. Oh my goodness, Marius, your hair is so poofy!
Marius: Thank you Grantaire.
Cosette: I like your poofy hair Marius.
Marius: Thank you Cosette.
Grantaire: And Enjolras, you're blond!
Enjolras: How very perceptive of you…
Grantaire: Oh no, I hate blondes! Why didn't anyone tell me?
Enjolras: We didn't realize you were that drunk.
Grantaire: Argh, I was looking up to a dumb blond.
Enjolras: I will have you know-
Grantaire: A blond! Now I really need a drink…
Marius: No, only coffee, I confiscated all of your liquor.
Grantaire: Evil!
Me: ::sticking my tongue out at him:: Boogerhead!
Grantaire: Bad writer!
Me: Drunk!
Grantaire: Poofyhead!
Me: Hey, I so do not look like Marius.
Marius: Thank you writer lady.
Cosette: I like your poofy hair Marius.
Marius: Thank you Cosette.
Cosette: You're welcome honeybear.
Me: Eww!
Joly: Nauseating…
Me: Anyway people…
Javert: What are we doing here?
Me: I am going to make you perform something.
Valjean: Beauty and the Beast?
Eponine: Ever After?
Valjean: Oh, that's weird, déjà vu.
Eponine: Déjà vu. Oh, hi Enjolras!
Enjolras: Do I know you?
Eponine: Kind of…You seem very familiar to me, déjà vu…
Me: (under my breath) If you only knew…
Enjolras: You seem a bit familiar too, where have I seen you before?
Eponine: Well, I'm Marius's friend.
Enjolras: Perhaps that is it…
Me: Anyway…
Javert: You're not going to make us perform something, now really, you wouldn't want to do that.
Me: Actually, I think I do…
Javert: Of course you do.
Me: Don't try to use reverse psychology on me.
Javert: Me? I would never.
Me: Yeah, sure, whatever. Anyway…
Valjean: You sure do say 'anyway' a lot
Me: I'm just trying to get you people to focus!
Valjean: If you say so…
Me: ANYWAY…
Valjean: I'm going to start a count of how many times she says it. So far 1
Me: ::Sticking my tongue out at him:: In any case…
Valjean: Oh, someone has a thesaurus
Me: I sure do! Now can we please get on with this?
Javert: No.
Me: What did you say Javert?
Javert: I said NO.
Me: You can't say no.
Javert: I can and I just did.
Valjean: I taught Cosette that it was very important to learn how to say no.
Me: That's all well and good, but Javert, you just can't say no.
Javert: Watch me. NO
Me: You can't do that. You are not allowed to say no.
Javert: Read my lips. N-O.
Me: But you have to!
Javert: Have to? I don't have to do anything. I am a chief police inspector!
Enjolras: If he doesn't have to do it then we don't have to do it.
Me: But he does have to do it.
Javert: I don't, but they all do. The law exempts me.
Enjolras: That is ridiculous. YOU are ridiculous.
Javert: Like you should talk. I mean that vest.
Grantaire: Oh, you are not making fun of the vest.
Eponine: That is sacred.
Javert: It's also ugly.
Enjolras: Javert, I am warning you…
Javert: Bring it on boy!
Enjolras: Boy? Oh that is it old man!
Bahorel: What?
Javert: ::rolling up sleeves:: I've been waiting a long time for this
Me: Ok, déjà vu, they are getting very predictable. People, please stop.
Javert: Oh, you are such an authority figure.
Me: Listen Javert, don't make me have to hurt you.
Javert: Like you could if you wanted to.
Me: I so could!
Javert: Yeah, right.
Me: Do you want to take this outside?
Javert: I don't beat up girls.
Me: Well that's good because you are the one who is getting beat up.
Javert: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Me: Here Valjean, anyway…
Valjean: 2
Me: I've brought you all here today to perform a musical.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: Because I want you to.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: Because it would make me happy.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: Because you are just such great company.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: I was being sarcastic.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: Because you are annoying.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: Because you keep asking why.
Gavroche: Why?
Me: Because I said so!
Gavroche: Ok, I was just wondering, man, what's your problem?
Me: Oh, my head
Marius: Your head? My head feels as if I ran into a wall yesterday.
Me: I wonder why.
Cosette: Oh Marius, my poor baby.
Me: Anywa-anyhow…
Valjean: Yeah, sure, 'anyhow'
Javert: I'm still not doing it.
Me: I am going to ask you one more time nicely.
Javert: Doesn't matter, no!
Me: Well then we just have to get physical. ::rolls up sleeves:: Enjolras, beat him up.
Enjolras: What?
Javert: Yeah, like that would happen.
Enjolras: You just broke up our fight and now you want me to start one?
Me: Well, I had forgotten how annoying Javert was.
Enjolras: Well, I do not fight unprovoked. I mean, if he was oppressing the poor I would build a barricade, but just annoying you? I don't know if that is where I want to waste my energy.
Javert: Quack Quack!
Enjolras: What?
Javert: Oh wait-, what sound does a chicken make?
Enjolras: Are you implying something monsieur?
Javert: Do you think that I would call you a chicken? Well, then you're right!
Enjolras: I fought on a barricade! I died for what I believed in! And yet you still call me a chicken?
Javert: Yup.
Enjolras: Stay calm Enjolras, stay calm.
Javert: Now the boy is talking to himself.
Enjolras: Javert, how did you survive to be so very, very old? I would think someone would have strangled you by now.
Javert: They've tried, I have a very thick neck.
Enjolras: And a thick head.
Eponine: And a thick waste.
Enjolras: Oh, touché Eponine, well done.
Eponine: Thank you Enjolras.
Javert: I have neither a thick head nor a thick waste!
Enjolras: If you say so.
Javert: Don't patronize me.
Enjolras: Me? Patronize you? I would never, you know how I respect figures of authority.
Javert: Oh yeah, the big bad rebel.
Enjolras: I prefer the term revolutionary.
Javert: You would.
Enjolras: That retort made no sense! Of course I would!
Me: You know what would be really great? If you two would sing 'Lily's Eyes'! ::They both send me withering glares:: Well excuse me, I like that song!
Valjean: Anyway…
Me: Ah, yes, what we are going to be performing today…
Javert: It only took you 19 pages to get to it…
Me: Listen Javert, I am so close to having Enjolras beat you up.
Eponine: You know Enjolras, you are really quite handsome.
Enjolras: Well, um, thank you, I guess. I don't see what that has to do with anything.
Me: Just take a compliment firebrand!
Grantaire: I need a drink, please, just give me some liquor, any liquor. Wine, beer, vodka, gin, brandy, absinthe, even a Jell-O shooter for goodness sakes! Just give me liquor!!!!
Me: No.
Grantaire: Oh cruel fate. Oh hateful hands to take my wine away. Injurious wasps to feed on such sweet honey and kill the bees that yield it with your stings. I-
Me: I can't believe you are using Shakespeare against me.
Javert: 20 pages…
Me: Oh, be quiet!
Javert: You do realize that you are just stalling for time because you have no idea what to make us perform.
Me: I do know what we're performing, I'm just trying to make a dramatic pause or something.
Valjean: I'm leaving, I have better things to do than just stand here and listen to all of you bicker!
Javert: Like become mayor?
Valjean: Hey, I was a darn good mayor!
Javert: Yeah, sure, whatever.
Me: Anyway…
Valjean: 3
Me: Thanks for that…
Valjean: In mercy's name, just tell us what you are making us perform!
Me: Well, you have a choice.
Combeferre: A choice? Someone is in a very good mood!
Me: Yup. Ok, the choices, first of all, are a. Movie b. Musical
Javert: Must we choose?
Me: Yes, everyone has to vote.
Enjolras: Musicals are very entertaining…
Azelma: But I want a part!
Eponine: But I like singing!
Bahorel: But it isn't fair that we don't get a part!
Me: Okay, we'll have a vote. Everyone write their choice on a piece of paper and we'll tally it up. I'm a very democratic person.
Three minutes later…
Me: Ok, so far we have ten for a musical, ten for a movie, one for 'give me liquor', one for 'I am exempt, I am a chief police inspector', One for 'Whatever Marius chooses'.
Enjolras: How many votes are left?
Me: Just one. And the winner is…musical!
Eponine: Huzzah!
Me: And today I have only one musical in mind.
Javert: 21 pages…
Me: We are going to be performing, Les Misérables!
Valjean: She's gone insane.
Eponine: Um, I think you're right…
Marius: Just so I'm clear, WE are the cast of Les Misérables, right?
Cosette: Right pookybear, you're soooooo smart.
Javert: I knew she was insane.
Me: I have not gone insane. You are going to be performing Les Misérables, but some of you will not be playing yourselves.
Marius: So I won't be Marius?
Me: Nope, I want to give you all a different perspective in life, I want you to be able to walk in someone else's shoes, I want you to-
Valjean: We get the picture.
Me: So here's the new casting…
Javert: I'm afraid…
Me: You should be, because you're Valjean.
Javert: WHAT?????????
Valjean: Ha ha, that is so great, ha, ha!!!
Me: And Valjean, you're Javert.
Valjean: No…
Javert: Yes!
Me: Um, let's see, the rest of the canon character changes…
Feuilly: That means we're not changing…
Me: You guys are just too wonderful for me to change your parts…
Combeferre: Like I believe that…
Me: Enjolras, now, you are either Marius or Grantaire…
Enjolras: Can't I just be myself?
Me: No, see, I want you get a new perspective. So either lovesick, torn-between-friends-and-love-Marius or Drunk,-Why-is-he-so-mean-to-me,-give-me-a-chance-Grantaire…
Enjolras: Well, if I'm Marius ::he shudders:: then-
Marius: Is it so bad to be me?
Enjolras: Well…
Marius: Hey, I get the girl and live happily ever after, that isn't so bad is it?
Enjolras: I mean to have two girls pine for me-
Grantaire: Yeah, because you have no girls pining for you now…
Enjolras: And Marius doesn't truly believe in the revolution, not that Grantaire does at all…
Grantaire: I thought you realized I did care at the end.
Enjolras: I had forgotten Grantaire, I still don't know why you didn't just stay down.
Grantaire: I wanted you to give me a chance…
Marius: Be me! I'm better! I have a rich grandpa!
Enjolras: That's nice…
Me: Whoever you are, they will be you. Oh, that sounds weird…
Enjolras: Let them decide…
Marius: I want to wear the vest, I want to wear the vest!!!
Me: Then I guess it's settled, Enjolras is Marius and Marius is Enjolras.
Enjolras: Oh, this is going to be scary
Combeferre: Very…
Me: So Grantaire, you're Montparnasse.
Grantaire: Okay, not really an all new perspective, but whatever…
Me: And Eponine, you are Cosette.
Eponine: Boring… ::yawn:: Wait, I just thought of something! I would have actually married Marius! You can't do that! Let Marius stay as Marius!
Me: Sorry Eponine…
Eponine: No fair!
Me: And Montparnasse is Grantaire
Montparnasse: What? Now you have gone insane.
Me: Probably… Well that's everyone important that we have to change, the rest of you are yourselves.
Cosette: Thank goodness!
Me: Oh thanks for reminding me Cosette-
Cosette: Darn!
Me: You're Eponine.
Cosette: Oh, I don't want to!
Me: Sorry, trying to get different perspectives and all…
Cosette: Well, okay then, but, oh!
Marius: I know darling, it's okay
Me: Well, here we go…
The scene starts in the little town of Whoville-
Me: Wrong story!
Sorry. The scene starts with this bus that has to stay at 50 miles an hour-
Me: Definitely wrong story…
Oh yes, sorry again. How about this one? The scene starts with this guy who builds a puppet of wood and names him Pinocchio-
Me: Oh fine, I'll do it!
Javert: Page 24, we haven't even started yet. I doubt anyone has been patient enough to even get to this point in the story.
Me: If they are anything like you then they probable jumped into the Seine.
Javert: Touché!
Me: In any case…
Valjean: Someone wants to say anyway…
Me: Oy, Valjean, leave me alone!
The scene starts: 1815, Toulon, France. The chain gang, overseen by brutal warders, works in the sun. And they sing about it…
Valjean: But in the book it starts with me meeting the bishop
Me: After 75 pages about the bishop and his outstanding life… We are doing the musical, is that clear Valjean?
Valjean: Crystal.
Me:
So, prisoners, sing! ::They sing the prologue::
And here comes 'Javert'
Valjean (as Javert):
Now bring me prisoner 24601
Your time is up
And your parole's begun
You know what that means
Wow, it's kind of nice to be on the oppressing side of Javert for once, as long as it's not real of course…
Javert (as Valjean): Yes, it means I'm free
Valjean (as Javert): NO!
It means you get
Your yellow ticket-of-leave
You are a thief
Javert (as Valjean): Oh I'm a thief? I'll show you a thief::some sort of strangulation occurs::
Valjean: Help…can't…breathe…
Me: Javert, let go of him!
Javert: He called me a thief!
Me: Please, get on with this!
Javert (as Valjean): I stole a loaf of bread!
Valjean (as Javert): You robbed a house!
Javert (as Valjean):
I would never! I mean…
I broke a window pane!
My sister's child was close to death
And we were starving!
Valjean (as Javert):
And you will starve again
Unless you learn the meaning of the law.
Javert (as Valjean):
I know the meaning of these 19 years
A slave of the law
Valjean (as Javert):
Five years for what you did
The rest because you tried to run
Yes 24601
Javert (as Valjean): My name is Jean Valjean
Valjean (as Javert):
And I am Javert
Do not forget my name
Do not forget me
24601
Javert:
Oh, I get it, I'm supposed to feel bad about the way I treated 24601!
................................Not going to happen.
Me:
Ah, give it time Javert. I'm sure you have a heart in there somewhere
Really far down…
And very small…
But in there…
Somewhere…
He finds work at a farm but is paid less and is rejected at an inn
Innkeeper:
You leave my house
Or feel the weight of my rod
We're law-abiding people here
Thanks be to God.
Javert: Do you have any idea who I am? I am chief police inspector Javert of the Paris police!
Innkeeper: Sure you are
Javert: Are you saying I am insane?
Innkeeper: Well when an ex-convict says he's a police inspector, you know something has got to be wrong
Javert: Why I oughtta-
Me: Javert, remember, you're Valjean, not Javert, so be quiet and be sad!
[They throw him out. He sits down despairingly outside a house from which emerges the Bishop of Digne.]
Bishop: Come in, Sir, for you are weary…
Javert (as Valjean): …
Took the silver
Took my flight!
Oh, so you stole silver too? Add that to your list of indiscretions Valjean.
[Taking the silver cup, he runs off, but is brought back by two constables.]
Javert: Good work constables, you see Valjean? The law always wins!
Constables:
Tell his reverence your story…
...You maintain he made a present of this silver--
Bishop:
That is right.
[The bishop gives Javert (as Valjean) two silver candlesticks.]
You forgot I gave these also
But my friend you left so early
Surely something slipped your mind
Would you leave the best behind?
So Messieurs you may release him
For this man has spoken true…
Javert: The bishop just let you go? Aiding and abetting a criminal!
Javert (as Valjean):
What have I done…
[He tears up his yellow ticket-of-leave.]
I'll escape now from the world
From the world of Jean Valjean Wait, this sounds familiar, oh yes, it's my soliloquy, THIEF!
Jean Valjean is nothing now
Another story must begin!
[1823, Montreuil-sur-Mer. Outside the factory, owned by the Mayor, Monsieur Madeleine (Javert (as Valjean) in disguise).] Oy that's a lot of parentheses
Me: Okay, the poor sing, Fantine is fired, she becomes a prostitute, and she attacks Bamatabois. Okay, next! Enter 'Javert'!
[Valjean (as Javert) enters, accompanied by constables.]
Valjean (as Javert): Wow, I really
like this music, it's so cool!
Tell me quickly what's the story
Who saw what and why and where
Let him give a full description
Let him answer to Javert!
In this nest of whores and vipers
Let one speak who saw it all
Who laid hands on this good man here?
What's the substance of this brawl?
Bamatabois: Javert, would you believe it…
Valjean (as Javert):
She will answer for her actions
When you make a full report
You may rest assured, M'sieur,
That she will answer to the court.
Me: Fantine pleas, but it doesn't work. But here is Valjean to the rescue!
Valjean (as Javert): But M'sieur Mayor!
Javert: Mayor? I could get used to that. I could even boss around the prefect!
Me: Anyway, lots of stuff happens. Fantine dies, 'Javert' catches up with Valjean. Now on to one of the best songs ever!!!
THE CONFRONTATION
Valjean (as Javert):
Valjean, at last,
We see each other plain
'M'sieur le Mayor',
You'll wear a different chain.
Javert (as Valjean):
Before you say another word, Javert
Valjean (as Javert):
You must think me mad! Actually, I always have thought you a few whiskers short of a sideburn…
Javert (as Valjean) (in counterpoint):
Believe of me what you will
Valjean (as Javert) (in counterpoint):
Men like me can never change
Before you chain me up like a slave again
Listen to me! There is something I must do.
This woman leaves behind a suffering child.
There is none but me who can intercede, None, but you? That seems pretty self-inflated to me...
In Mercy's name, three days are all I need.
Then I'll return, I pledge my word.
Then I'll return...
I've hunted you across the years
A man like you can never change
A man... such as you...
There is a duty that I'm sworn to do
You know nothing of my life
All I did was steal some bread
You know nothing of the world I know everything of the world Valjean!
You would rather see me dead
But not before I see this justice done You call that justice? Ha! I'll show you justice!
I am warning you Javert
I'm a stronger man by far I doubt that…
There is power in me yet
My race is not yet run What does that even mean?
I am warning you Javert
There is nothing I won't dare
If I have to kill you here Threatening a police inspector? Jail!
I'll do what must be done!
Men like you can never change
No, 24601,
My duty's to the law
You have no rights
Come with me 24601
Now the wheel has turned around
Oh, is that what you said? I could never understand you, you don't enunciate well.
Dare you talk to me of crime
And the price you had to pay
Every man is born in sin
Every man must choose his way
You know nothing of Javert
I was born inside a jail Really now?
I was born with scum like you Well that's interesting…
I am from the gutter too! I'm not even from the gutter, but whatever…
Javert (as Valjean)
and Valjean (as Javert):
…I swear to you, I will be there!
Me: Let's fast-forward 8 years!
Javert: Fast forward? But I was mayor! I was going to go show the prefect a thing or two!
Me: Sorry, we need to get a move on, you were right in the fact that I wasted 24 pages.
Javert: But the mayor, the prefect, oh darn!
Grantaire: Breaktime!!!
Me: No!
Grantaire: Come on, we did seventeen stinking years already, we need a break, we DEMAND a break.
Me: Fine, I'm tired anyway, have a nice long break, I need to find some aspirin…
Grantaire: Huzzah!
Eponine: Hey Enjolras what's up today? I haven't seen you much around.
Enjolras: Ah, yes, hi Eponine.
Eponine: It's weird but I feel like I know you…
Enjolras: I have the exact same feeling…
Javert: Oh look, the lawyer boy is flirting with the street harlot. Street harlot? Where did that come from? I like it!
Enjolras: That is not a proper way to address any female monsieur.
Javert: And what are you going to do about it?
Enjolras: Well I could threaten you physically. And no one is here to stop us from fighting...
Javert: Then bring it on.
Enjolras: But I do like to stay nonviolent unless it is something important…
Javert: Quack, Quack, Quack!
Enjolras: But when someone tries to besmirch a ladies reputation…
Javert: Oh, big bad protector of women are you?
Enjolras: I am a gentleman, nothing more, nothing less.
Eponine: A gentleman? I had forgotten what you fellows looked like…
Javert: A gentleman? Ha! You are no more gentle than I am compassionate.
Enjolras: Well the fact that you are not compassionate is true, but I am a gentleman.
Javert: You annoy me quite thoroughly.
Enjolras: Then I have served my purpose in life.
Javert:
::he turns around indignantly and begins to sing to himself::
(And might I take this opportunity to say that Anthony Warlow and Philip Quast are major deities)
Strangely quiet,
But now the storm
Simply rests to strike again
Standing, waiting I think of her,
I think of her
Enjolras:
::unconsciously begins singing as well:: Strange this Mary,
She leaves the room,
Yet remains, she lingers on,
Something stirs me to think of her,
I think of her
Half of the cast has started to watch them
Javert:
From death she casts her spell,
All night we hear her sighs,
And now a girl has come who has her eyes,
She has her eyes,
The girl has Lily's hazel eyes
Those eyes that saw him happy long ago,
Those eyes that gave him life and hope he'd never known,
How can he see the girl and miss those hazel eyes?
Enjolras:
She has her eyes,
The girl has Lily's hazel eyes,
Those eyes that closed and left me all alone,
Those eyes I feel will never ever let me go,
How can I see this girl who has her hazel eyes?
In Lily's eyes a castle
This house seemed to be
And I her bravest knight became
My lady fair was she.
Everyone is now staring as the voices get louder and resonate
Javert:
She has her eyes,
She has my Lily's hazel eyes
Those eyes that loved my brother never me
Those eyes that never saw me
Never knew I longed to hold her close
To live at last in Lily's eyes.
Enjolras: Imagine me a lover
Javert:
I longed for the day
She'd turn and see me standing there
Javert and Enjolras: Would God have let her stay!
Javert:
She has her eyes
She has Lily's hazel eyes
Those eyes that first I loved so
How can
I now forget
That once I dared
To be alive and whole
In Lily's eyes
In Lily's eyes!
Enjolras:
She has her eyes
My Lily's hazel eyes
Those eyes that saw me
Happy long ago
How can
I now forget
That once I dared to be in love
Alive and whole
In Lily's eyes
In Lily's eyes!
::The entire cast bursts out in applause. Javert and Enjolras looked surprised and a bit embarrassed::
Enjolras: Well, ahem, thank you…
Eponine: Enjolras, you were wonderful!
Enjolras: Thank you Eponine.
Marius: I could have done that…
Cosette and Eponine: I know you could have! ::they glare at each other as they finish the sentence::
Me: ::dancing around with a tape in my hand::I have them on tape! They sang 'Lily's Eyes' on this tape! I have the tape! I have the tape! La la la, I have the tape!
Valjean: I'm scared
Javert: She's got issues.
Me: ::still dancing:: I got the tape! I got the tape! I got the…
Javert: She's not quite right is she?
Valjean: Not quite.
Me: I got the tape!!!
Grantaire: I really need liquor. Some of you must have something stashed somewhere.
Combeferre: Sorry friend.
Courfeyrac: I don't carry alcohol with me.
Grantaire: Hey Javvy, I'm sure you got liquor.
Javert: What would give you an insane idea like that?
Grantaire: Well then snuff, you've got to have snuff, please give me some snuff!
Javert: No, it's my snuff, and you're mean!
Grantaire: Aaaahhhhh! I need liquor!
Me: Drink your coffee and be quiet.
Grantaire: I'm bored with coffee, I need absinthe!
Me: Bored? Interesting… Here, try this cappuccino.
Grantaire: Cappawhatzit?
Me: Cappuccino, trust me, it's like coffee, but more interesting.
Grantaire: Cappuccino eh? Well you can call it whatever you want because it is amazing!!!
Me: Great, now that we have solved that problem ::resumes dancing around:: I got the tape! I got the tape!
Eponine: She is a bit off her rocker.
Me: I'm off my rocker? Perhaps. But it doesn't matter because I got the tape! I got the tape!
Valjean: Anyway…
Me: Now you're just mocking me.
Valjean: Me? Never.
Me: Whatever. ::resumes dancing:: I got the tape! I got the tape!
Javert: Stop that infernal nuisance! Now I know why I didn't have children!
Gavroche: Yeah, I'm sure that's the reason you didn't have children.
Javert: Listen gamin-
Gavroche: Make me!
Me: Gavroche, you know better than to mock an authority figure like that.
Javert: That is-
Me: You have to make faces at him as well! ::we proceed to make silly faces at Javert and he becomes more and more angry::
Javert: I hate children!
Me: I'm not a child, I'm a young adult, 16 I'll have you know!
Javert: Young adult? Ha! You are not an adult until you have arrested an escaping con!
Me: So then I guess you're not quite an adult yet huh?
Javert: I've caught plenty of cons in my life. But what, I make one mistake, fail to catch one stupid ex-con and I'm branded for life! Argh!
Me: Oh poor Javvy!
Javert: I hate children!
Eponine: Marius?
Marius: Yes Eponine?
Eponine: You want to go somewhere after we're done?
Cosette: He's married Eponine, remember?
Eponine: Married? Really now? ::turning back to Marius:: So Marius, how bout it?
Marius: Eponine, I would like to but I don't think it would be proper-
Cosette: That means no.
Marius: Why don't you try talking to Grantaire, actually, no, not him. How about Combeferre? He's a good guy.
Eponine: But Marius!
Marius: Or Courfeyrac, or Feuilly, or Lesgles, or Jean Prouvaire, or-
Eponine: But Marius!
Marius: How about Enjolras? He's handsome.
Eponine: Enjolras is a stick in the mud! Just because he is handsome and passionate and…dedicated and…absolutely gorgeous and…all alone at the moment…excuse me. Hello again Enjolras!
Enjolras: Oh, hello Eponine.
Eponine: Call me Ponine, all my friends do.
Enjolras: It wouldn't be proper…
Eponine: Come on Enjy!
Enjolras: What did you call me?
Eponine: Well, your name is really long…
Enjolras: Three syllables, Enjolras is no longer than Eponine.
Eponine: That's why people call me Ponine, or Ep.
Enjolras: That's all well and good but-
Eponine: Then we're settled Enjy!
Enjolras: Now hold on one moment-
Eponine: You want to do something later?
Enjolras: I really shouldn't-
Eponine: Come on, there's no revolution to plan. I have nothing to do afterwards, and you have nothing to do afterwards…
Enjolras: You're quite forward aren't you?
Eponine: Better than a coy bourgeois in my opinion.
Enjolras: Perhaps but-
Eponine: So how bout it?
Enjolras: I don't think-
Eponine: Good, then it's settled. ::she leaves::
Enjolras: What just happened?
Grantaire: I say ladylove just got tired of waiting and decided to beat you over the head with a baseball bat.
Enjolras: But, I didn't agree to anything!
Grantaire: Well you wouldn't go back on your word, would you?
Enjolras: I never gave my word.
Grantaire: A gentleman would never-
Enjolras: Oh, that's low, preying on my sense of decency.
Grantaire: It worked didn't it?
Enjolras: I guess it did.
Grantaire: It's not so bad, she's a pretty girl.
Enjolras: Yes, that's the problem, she's a girl!
Grantaire: Oh Enjolras, come on, even I'm getting a little sick of the chaste golden statue.
Enjolras: Well I never!
Grantaire: Obviously…
Enjolras: Well, that's uncalled for.
Me: Who wants to resume our acting?
Grantaire: No one!
Me: Okay, let the break continue!
Grantaire:
She's in a really good mood.
::looks at me who is still dancing around with the tape::
Or maybe her medication has just kicked in…
Enjolras: So Grantaire, how do I act like ::shudder:: Marius?
Grantaire: Well, first you have to hit yourself on the head with a frying pan a few times-
Enjolras: Well, that's, um, interesting… but I'd rather not-
Marius: Oh, believe me, you'd rather!
Me: Ok, breaks over, but you can have another one real soon, I swear. I like breaks, they are fun, and you sing! Yay!
Enjolras: She's insane…
Me:
Okay, now we start on the quote 'teeming,
squalid streets of Paris. Beggars, urchins, prostitutes,
students, etc."
Valjean: Well, that sounds like fun...
Gavroche: It sounds familiar...
Me: I know, this is where we meet all the good characters!!!
Valjean: Well, fine, be that way.
Me: Oh, Valjean, you're in this too. It's just you know, a lot of good characters instead of just you, Javert and Fantine.
Valjean: Yeah, I'm sure that's what you meant...
Me: Oh, you are such a prima donna!!
Valjean: Me? Like you should speak...
Me: Anyhow...
Valjean: Keep that up and I'll count those too.
Me: Can we get on with this? Okay, good! Ready Gavroche?
Gavroche: Yep!
Me: Okay then...
Gavroche:
How do you do? My name's Gavroche
These are my people, here's my patch
Not much to look at, nothing posh
Nothing that you'd call up to scratch
This is my school, my high society
Here in the slums of Saint Michele
We live on crumbs of humble piety
Tough on the teeth, but what the hell!
Think you're poor?
Think you're free?
Follow me, follow me!
Me: Oh you are so cute! I just want to pinch your cheeks!
Gavroche: Don't even think about it...
Me: Admit it, you are just adorable!
Gavroche: Yeah, she's insane...
Me: Oh Enjolras, where are you?
Marius: Right here!
Enjolras: Ugh, my vest!
Marius: Fits good, doesn't it Enjolras?
Enjolras: (looking down at his own apparel) And I just love your clothing
Marius: Where did you get this vest? I like it, and it's a magnet for women.
Cosette: Marius!
Enjolras: Is that where they all come from? Well then you can keep it...
Eponine: No!
Enjolras: Eponine? What does it matter?
Eponine: Trust me, just keep the vest.
Enjolras: I do actually like the vest...
Eponine: Then it's settled. Marius, the vest is on loan.
Marius: Fine, but I want to know where he got it, I want one
Enjolras: ::cou-Imadeit-gh::
Marius: What was that?
Enjolras: Imadeit.
Marius: I still didn't catch that Enjolras...
Enjolras: I made it.
Marius: (suppressing a laugh) You made it?
Enjolras: I needed a vest and I was not going to make one of the poor oppressed people make it!
Marius: You are such a weirdo...
Enjolras: High praise coming from you loverboy.
Grantaire: Hey, actually, you're the loverboy
Enjolras: Ok, I definitely don't like that title. I mean, lover, maybe of country but boy, I think that I'm old enough to be considered a man! Besides, no one would ever call me loverboy.
Grantaire: Yeah, like I believe that. Oh, wait, I do believe that...In mercy's name Enjolras, you are sooooooo boring!!!
Enjolras: I am not boring, just because I have morals and the such does not make me-
Grantaire: BORING!!!
Me: Let's get on with this. Marius, if you please...
Marius (as Enjolras):
Where the leaders of the land? Take me to your leader!
Where are the swells who run this show? Swells?
Wait, if he was looking for leaders, why is he in the slums and stuff?
Enjolras: Obviously the people in the musical did not want to have a whole other scene.
Courfeyrac: And besides, we're conformists and everyone else was in the slums, we didn't want to be left out!!!
Marius (as Enjolras):
With all the anger in the land
How long before the judgment day?
Before we cut the fat ones down to size?
::casts glance at Mme.Thenardier::
Before the barricades ariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise?
Eponine: Oh, I love that note.
Enjolras: That note used to be mine
Eponine: And you did it very well Enjolras.
Enjolras: Well, thank you Eponine.
Eponine: You are very welcome.
Gavroche:
Watch out for old Thenardier
All of his family is on the make Well, I'm not really on the make,
whatever that means...
Once ran a hash-house down the way
Bit of a swine and no mistake
He's got a gang
The bleeding layabout
Even his daughter does her share
That's Eponine, she knows her way about
Only a kid, but hard to scare
Do we care?
Not a cuss!
Long live us, long live us! Ah, how ironic those words seem now...::begins humming La Morte de Gavroche::
Thenardier:
Everyone here, you know your place
Brujon, Babet, Claquesous
You, Montparnasse, watch for the law
Grantaire: This part stinks
Montparnasse: Yeah, try living it
Thenardier:
I was talking here!
With Eponine, take care.
You turn on the tears
No mistakes, my dears
Enjolras (as Marius):
Hey Eponine, what's up today?
I haven't seen you much about.
Wow, I'm corny...
Marius: Hey!
Me: You're on Cosette!
Cosette: Ooh, yeah! (as Eponine) Here, you can always catch me in.
Enjolras (as Marius): Mind the police don't catch you out! The corniness is astonishing
Cosette (as Eponine):
Here, whatcher doing with all them books?
I could have been a student too!
Don't judge a girl on how she looks...
I know a lot of things I do! I sure do, I grew up in a convent, I'm real smart!
Enjolras (as Marius):
Poor Eponine, the things you know
You wouldn't find in books like these.
Eponine: Are you implying something?
Cosette (as Eponine): I like the way you grow your hair
Enjolras: I would thank you to keep your comments to your self, madame!
Me: That's not your line
Enjolras (as Marius): I like the way you always tease ::co-corny-ugh::
Cosette (as Eponine):
Little he knows!
Little he sees! Oh, poor me, give me a break, notice me!
Me: (evil laughter) My plan is working, my plan is working!
Javert (as Valjean):
...What is this? Are you mad?
No, Monsieur, you don't know what you do!...
Cosette (as Eponine):
It's the police! Disappear!
Run for it! It's Javert! Ah, scary man!
Javert: You had better run, run all you criminals, run!!!
Valjean (as Javert):
Why does Javert have all the best music? It's not fair!
Look upon this fine collection
Another brawl in the square
Another stink in the air! Stink in the air?
Was there a witness to this?
Well, let him speak to Javert! Yep, speaking of yourself in the third person? No, not crazy at all...
M'sieur, the streets are not safe,
But let these vermin beware
We'll see that justice is done!
Crawled from underneath a stone
This swarm of worms and maggots
Thenardier: Hey!
Montparnasse: Hey!
Mme. Thenardier: Hey!
Could have picked you to the bone!
I know this man over here Hey, I know you!
I know his name and his trade Something with a 'T'. What was it? 'Thompson', 'Tinklebrain?', ah, what was it?
And on your witness, M'sieur,
We'll see him suitably paid.
Thenardier: Paid? I get paid? I thought this was volunteer work or something.
[Valjean and Cosette have disappeared.]
But where's the gentleman gone?
And why on earth did he run?
Thenardier:
You will have a job to catch him
He's the one you should arrest
No more bourgeois when you scratch him
Than that brand upon his chest!
Marius: I don't get it...
[The constables search for Valjean.]
Could it be he's some old jailbird Hey, I'm not that old!
That the tide now washes in
Heard my name and started running Oh yes, the big, scary cop
Had the brand upon his skin
And the girl who stood beside him
When I turned they both had gone
Could he be the man I've hunted? Man, I love this music!
Could it be he's Jean Valjean? You know it!
Me: Now, Valjean, show your stuff!
Javert: Oh, this is my song! I like this song! He can't have my song! It's my song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Valjean (as Javert):
There, out in the darkness it's not quite dark if there are stars
A fugitive running It was more like a trot
Fallen from God Ahem, Sister Simplice means nothing to you?
Fallen from grace Whatever...
God be my witness he has better things to do
I never shall yield obviously
Till we come face to face weirdo
Till we come face to face well, at least my face is prettier
He knows his way in the dark actually, I need a lantern
But mine is the way of the Lord yeah, hunting down good citizens
And those who follow the path of the righteous by becoming mayor
Shall have their reward Yup, drowning is a great reward!
And if they fall they fall on their butt
As Lucifer fell Okay, comparing me to the devil is a little much
The flame Candlesticks!!!
The sword! Oh, that's harsh
Stars are just balls of gas
In your multitudes Les me count
thee. One, two, three, four...
Scarce to be counted I just did!
Filling the darkness Well, there's
always the moon
With order and light order?
You are the sentinels ::goes to dictionary:: sentinels, sentinels, ah, here it is, oh, it means guards, cool! Learn something new everyday!
Silent and sure Not like all those 'noisy' stars...
Keeping watch in the night
Keeping watch in the night Hey, this line looks familiar
You know your place in the sky He's talking to the stars
You hold your course and your aim Still talking to the stars...
And each in your season Weirdo...
Returns and returns And repeats and repeats
And is always the same just like your dialogue
And if you fall as Lucifer fell This is again familiar
You fall in flame! Oh, I'm so scared
And so it has been Since I was born 1000 years ago
And so it is written Along with my lovey-dovey poetry
On the doorway to paradise I thought it was a gate
That those who falter and those who fall Harsh man
Must pay the price! Chill out
Lord let me find him Yeah, like He has nothing better to do than find little
old me
That I may see him I'm right here, what, are you blind?
Safe behind bars Okay, this song is making me scared
I will never rest You really need to Javert, those bags under your eyes, not good.
Till then, this I swear You shouldn't swear
This I swear by the stars! Oh, actually, that line is cool! You know what? You're
a pretty deep man!
Javert: That's my song!
Valjean: Don't worry about it, you get to sing it a lot more than I do.
Javert: But it's my song!!!!!!!!
Valjean: I have a question. How come Javert has all the good songs, and the good music, when I'm the good guy?
Me: I really wouldn't know, sorry.
Valjean: Oh, nobody loves me!!!
Cosette: Oh, I love you papa!
Valjean: Thank you Cosette.
Javert: Anyway...
Valjean: 4
Me: Hey, that wasn't even me!
Valjean: It's your influence, therefore indirectly it does go into the count!!!
Me: Ugh, now I know why nobody likes you...
Valjean: Oh, meany!
Me: Hey, Enjolras, you want to sing with Javvy again for me?
Enjolras: Please, spare me.
Me: In Lily's eyes a castle...
Enjolras: Note to self: Never, ever, sing in front of weird writer lady again, underline, underline
Javert: He's talking to himself again...
Enjolras: Whatever old man. You're the one who is senile.
Javert: Senile? I'm just as sane as I was the day I was born
Valjean: Which means he was never quite right.
Javert: Hey, at least I didn't become a criminal
Valjean: Yeah, coulda, woulda, shoulda...
Javert: I hate you.
Valjean: What a surprise...
Me: You're a nincompoop Blakeny, always said you were- I mean you're a nincompoop Valjean.
Valjean: Hey, we're already doing a musical, keep the Pimpernel out of this!
Me: Hey, I like the Pimpernel!
Javert: You would.
Me: That makes no sense, you really do need to get some better comebacks.
Javert: Fine, I will. ::He goes to Amazon.com and orders a book of comebacks. He then hangs up the phone and crosses his arms. A minute later the doorbell rings::
Me: I had no idea you were ordering from Acme.
Marius: Duh?
Me: A joke, you know, coyote and roadrunner?
Marius: Duh?
Me: Nevermind. ::Javert bursts out laughing and we all look at him, for to see Javert laugh was a terrifying experience::
Javert: (realizing everyone is staring at him) Ahem, sorry, it's just that some of these are really good.
Valjean: Yeah, ok, whatever.
Me: Can we get on with this? Gavroche?
Gavroche:
Hey, I'm ready!
That inspector thinks he's something
But it's me who runs this town!
Oh yeah, you know it!
And my theater never closes
And the curtain's never down
Marius: Duh?
Cosette: Nevermind darling.
Marius: Okay pookybear.
Trust Gavroche, have no fear
Don't you worry, auntie dear,
Thenardier: Oh please tell me that my sister-in-law isn't coming for a visit.
You can always find me here! Well, actually, sometimes I'm at the picture show, I do have a life you know. Oooh, a rhyme!
Grantaire: Oh, Disc two, Breaktime!
Me: We did like three songs!
Grantaire: But you have to change the cd and-
Me: That will take two seconds.
Grantaire: Breaktime!
Me: Well, since you guys asked so nicely... But if you guys sang again I would be very happy!!!
Enjolras: No, I will not do that, not with him!
Me: You're mean!
Enjolras: Am not, I just have some sense of dignity, you know, pride? It's a novel concept actually... ::I, being the juvenile I am, stick out my tongue at him.:: Well, that's uncalled for.
Me: Fine, give me the phone.
Marius: Ha, I get that one!!!
Cosette: You are so smart sweeting.
Marius: Thank you darling.
Me: Eww, someone stop them, I'm going to be sick...
Pipi: Why didn't we ever sing 'Lovely Ladies'!?!?
Me: Pipi? What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here!
Pipi: But, no one ever visits me on my page and I'm lonely...Where are all the little girls?
Cosette: I'm kinda young, Eponine too, and Azelma's even younger.
Pipi: I like little girls...
Me: No kidding...
Gavroche: I'm a little boy, but I'm tough!
Pipi: I only want to talk to little girls! Do you even know who I am? I'm 'Pipi: The Boy Who Loved Too Much.'
Gavroche: Well, that's nice...
Pipi: Isn't it?
Gavroche: Yeah...
Me: Pipi, we're in the middle of something, go back to camp!
Pipi: But-
Me: Now! Or I'll write a chapter in which Pipi gets eaten by a bear.
Pipi: Gulp, I think I'll be going now...If you'll excuse me I think I'll be going now, it was nice meeting all of you. Cosette, Eponine, Azelma, until we meet again...
Pipi leaves, Thank Goodness!
Enjolras: He's an odd little character...
Me: Sure is! But that's the way we like him.
Enjolras: Yes...
Me: Oh be quiet
Grantaire: I love breaktime cause it's so delicious, gone go breaktime!
Enjolras: Obviously Grantaire has found some liquor
Grantaire: Nope, I'm just getting buzzed on that vest you made.
Javert: The boy sews! Ha!
Enjolras: Oh, be quiet
Valjean: Oh get a life Javert!
Javert: I do have a life, what world are you living in Valjean?
Valjean: I live in Valjean's world, ok?
Javert: ::flips open book:: Valjean's world closed because of lack of people who wanted to visit it! Ha!
Enjolras: I'm afraid, that was actually halfway witty...
Javert: Oh that was fun...
Me: A witty Javert is a scary Javert.
Eponine: Sure is, but then he always was.
Gavroche: I'm hungry
Fantine: Would you like a juice box? How about some animal crackers?
Gavroche: ::giving her a look of 'What in the world are you talking about':: What in the world are you talking about?
Fantine: Sorry, motherly instincts I guess...
Grantaire: I think we could all go for a snack, or a very large meal, dinner perhaps?
Enjolras: I must agree with Grantaire on this.
Combeferre: I concur as well
Eponine: I could definitely go for some food...
Javert: Me too...
Me: Ugh, fine. I swear, you guys are such pigs!
Enjolras: Perhaps if you fed us while you make us slaves to your Broadway whims...
Me: Whatever. What do you guys want?
Grantaire: Let's see, it's dinnertime? So, I could go for some filet mignon, perhaps some lobster, shrimp, chicken cordon-bleu, salmon,-
Me: Ah, I get it, you want everything. I assume the rest of you want that too? I'll order us up some food from that restaurant down the street.
Grantaire: Come on, we need a change in scenery. Can't we go out for a change?
Me: We could but-
Valjean: She's afraid we'll try to escape from her evil grasp.
Javert: Do not worry. We will swear on our honor that we will return back to this infernal pit, I mean, we'll return here after we are done eating.
Me: Well...
Enjolras: Do we all swear on our honor?
All: We swear!
Me: Fine, get your coats, let's go.
Eponine: I don't have a coat
Enjolras: You can use mine
Eponine: Well, thank you
Fantine: Oh, that is so sweet!
So we all leave and go to, what else?, a little French restaurant. The matron only looks a little weirded out and suspicious of a group of 19th century peoples.
Matron: Right this way
Enjolras: So Eponine, is this what you meant by 'doing something later'?
Eponine: Kind of, but, I was hoping there would be a lot fewer people...
Enjolras: Oh.
So we all sit down at different tables. Most of the Amis are at one large table, along with Gavroche. Cosette and Marius are at another table. Valjean and Fantine are at another. The gang of Patron-Minette is at a table a bit off. Assorted characters are at other tables. Eponine and Enjolras are at one table. And somehow, I get stuck with Javert.
Me: I can't believe I'm stuck here with you.
Javert: This is no picnic for me either.
Matron: Actually, I'm sorry, but we're a table short, so you'll have to be put with the couple at Table 18. I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience.
We grudgingly get up and head towards Table 18.
Valjean: -And I was thinking to myself, is that Fantine? I remember her from such a long time ago. And then I realized Javert was being an a-
Javert: Ahem.
Valjean: Oh, Javert! I did not see you there.
Me: There aren't enough tables.
Valjean: Oh... Well, of course you're welcome to-
Javert: Yes, yes, cut the polite talk. Let's order.
Valjean: Of course...
Meanwhile, at Eponine and Enjolras's table
Enjolras: So, Eponine...
Eponine: Yes Enjolras?
Enjolras: Um, tell me something about you.
Eponine: I think you know me well enough.
Enjolras: I know the basics, but tell me something else.
Eponine: Well, I can write.
Enjolras: Really? That is quite impressive
Eponine: Thank you.
Uncomfortable silence abounds...
Enjolras: So...
Eponine: So...
Enjolras: *She died for what she believed in. She died for love. She is one of the poor, one of the oppressed. She is what we were fighting for. She is...beautiful. She is sweet. She is refreshing. She is smiling at me. And I'm smiling back, I can't help myself. What is happening?*
Eponine: *Oh, he's so handsome. And he's here. With me. He looks like he's thinking about something important. I love his eyes. I could get lost in them. He is so complex. I don't think I could ever figure him out, but maybe it's nicer like that. He's such a gentleman. He's so passionate. And strong. And handsome. And he's right here. Oh, I can't stop smiling. And he's smiling back. I love his smile.*
Enjolras: So...
Eponine: Yes, so...
Enjolras: I must admit I really don't know what to say. I'm not really experienced in this kind of thing...
Eponine: That's okay, we can talk about something you're more at ease about.
Enjolras: All I used to have was the revolution, and now...
Eponine: Yeah...
Waiter: Would you like some wine?
Enjolras: Um, we really shouldn't but, why not? We will take a bottle.
Half a glass of wine each later...
Enjolras: I don't understand what it is about fermented grapes that hypnotizes Grantaire so.
Eponine: To each his own
Enjolras: Perhaps ::he takes another sip::
Eponine: Do you feel any different from before we had wine?
Enjolras: I feel as if it is easier to tell you how beautiful I think you are.
Eponine: ::taking the glass away:: I think you've had enough actually...
Enjolras: No, it's true.
Eponine: Well, then thank you, but still, I've heard that wine kills brain cells, and that they never return.
Enjolras: Really? Well, I need all of my cells, thank you very much.
Eponine: Most people do.
Enjolras: So, how are you getting into the part of 'Cosette'? ::he leans in close to whisper:: Drinking a lot of wine?
Eponine: Enjolras!
Enjolras: Oh, excuse me, I can't believe I said that, insulting anyone, especially a woman, I should be ashamed of myself.
Eponine: Perhaps, but...thank you.
Enjolras: Marius is a fool.
Eponine: No, he's-
Enjolras: He's a damned fool for letting you get away from him.
Eponine: He didn't love me.
Enjolras: But you loved him?
Eponine: I was pretty sure I did, but, now I'm not so sure...
Enjolras: Really? I mean, he is married and all but, I thought-
Eponine: Things change.
Enjolras: I see...
Eponine: Yes...
Enjolras: Well, I think I need some more wine.
Eponine: Oh no you don't.
Enjolras: Come on Eponine!
Eponine: I think not.
Enjolras: Please?
Eponine: Oh, you are so cute when you beg.
Enjolras: I am not begging.
Eponine: Sure Enjolras.
Enjolras: Please? Wine? Please?
Eponine: Are you drunk?
Enjolras: I don't know, maybe.
Eponine: Well, sober up!
Enjolras: Well, I'm not Grantaire drunk. Just a little bit less stuffy is all.
Eponine: Uh huh...
Enjolras: Really, I am. I'll count backwards or whatever. Just trust me.
Eponine: Well, you did only have a very small bit of wine.
Enjolras: Then you believe me?
Eponine: I guess so.
Enjolras: Good!
Eponine: So, tell me something about you.
Enjolras: I like you.
Eponine: I think I was wrong when I said you weren't drunk.
Enjolras: Just because I sound like Marius it means I'm drunk? Actually, that would explain a few things...
Eponine: ::laughing:: Oh my, you're a nasty drunk.
Enjolras: I'm not drunk!
Eponine: ::still laughing:: Sure you aren't
Enjolras: ::who is now laughing too:: Ok, maybe I'm a teensy bit drunk.
Eponine:
Obviously...
I like your laugh
Enjolras: And I like yours.
Eponine: You should laugh more often
Enjolras: As should you
Eponine: I laugh more than you do.
Enjolras: Then perhaps it will be contagious. ::what could have been a very tender moment is interrupted, but of course, by the waiter delivering the food::
Eponine: Oh, our food is here
Enjolras: So it is.
Eponine: Perhaps you'll sober up when you eat something
Enjolras: Perhaps
Javert: (from across the restaurant, quite loud and a little slurred) -And I didn't believe you! I mean, all prostitutes say that they have a kid or something, how was I supposed to know you were telling the truth?
Enjolras: I think Javert is even drunker than I am.
Valjean: It was a really, really bad idea to tell Javert that the wine was grape juice.
Fantine: What were we thinking?
Valjean: I don't think we were
Me: I'm afraid
Valjean: We were really not thinking
Me: I told you guys it was a bad idea, but no, you had to get Javert drunk. You're like children you two!
Javert: I hatttte shildrennnnnnnnnnnnn!
Fantine: ::giggling:: He is kind of funny though
Me: Oh, I knew this was a bad idea
Eponine: Now that is a sight to behold
Enjolras: As are you Eponine.
Eponine: Have you gotten into the wine again?
Enjolras: Ah, I'm sober as a drunken horse! Oh wait, that's not what I meant to say...
Eponine: You sure don't hold liquor well.
Enjolras: It seems that I do not.
Eponine: Even drunk you are such a gentleman.
Enjolras: Would you have it any other way?
Eponine: Of course not, I quite enjoy you.
Enjolras: As do I you.
Eponine: (glancing at Marius and Cosette) Still...
Enjolras: (following her gaze) Ah, I understand. I don't know if it will help, him being married and all, but-
Eponine: You'll help me make him jealous?
Enjolras: I was going to say 'talk to him about it' but, I am at your service...
Eponine: Okay, kiss me.
Enjolras: What?!
Eponine: I said kiss me, come on.
Enjolras: Okay but--- ::her lips get in the way as she kisses him:: Well that was-
Eponine: Hold on ::she waits until Marius looks at her again, and again kisses Enjolras, quite deeply this time. But, of course, halfway though she stops caring about if Marius is watching and turns her full attention to Enjolras.::
Enjolras: Oh my...
Eponine: Oh my.
Enjolras: That was-
Eponine: Amazing
Enjolras: Quite
Eponine: Oh my...
Enjolras: I think you got Marius's attention
Eponine: Marius who?
Enjolras: I think, I um, have to go now...
Eponine: No, stay
Enjolras: Well, I hope I remember this when I sober up, though I think I'm a lot more sober now.
Eponine: That was really nice
Enjolras: I must say that 'nice' is an understatement
Eponine: Definitely
Javert: I said I was sorry Valjean! Can you just accept my apology? Man, I killed myself over you and you are being such a bourgeois!
Valjean: Javert, you're making a scene
Javert: No! I mean, you know how hard it is to drown yourself? I mean, once you jump off a building or something you can't change your mind, and it ends real quick, but when you drown yourself-
Me: Javert! That's it, we're leaving! I can't ever take you guys anywhere nice without you embarrassing yourselves. Come on, let's go!
Eponine: Can Enjolras and I stay behind? I mean, we were well behaved and everything...
Me: Nope, for lack of a real Javert I'll be the surrogate-hated figure. Now march!
Fantine: Oh, Javert ruined it for everyone
Valjean: Doesn't he always...
Grantaire: I didn't finish my dessert!
Me: Well, that's too bad, blame Javert.
Grantaire: I was just eating my tiramisu, minding my own business and that drunken police inspector had to ruin everything.
Thenardier: Man, I was only able to steal two sets of silver because of that bloody police inspector. He ruins all my plans, he'll pay.
Montparnasse: Agreed.
Back in the 'theater' A little while, and a few aspirin, later
Javert: Ow, my head hurts
Valjean: I wonder why
Javert: I'm sure you have something to do with it.
Me: Okay, breaks over, back to work.
Grantaire: Darn it!
Cosette (as Eponine):
Cosette! Now I remember! Wait, I'm talking about myself
[Enjolras (as Marius) returns.]
Good God! Oh, what a rumpus!
Cosette! How can it be? Well, remember, papa came and bought me...
We were children together Yeah, you were mean
Look what's become of me... Hey, I think I turned out pretty good!
Enjolras (as Marius): That girl, who can she be?
Cosette (as Eponine):
That cop! He'd like to jump us
But he ain't smart, not he.
Javert: Oh, that is just mean, and rude. You hurt my feelings!
Me: Okay, now into Café Musain!
Marius (as Enjolras):
The time is near... What time?
[Enjolras (as Marius) enters.]
Marius, you're late.
So near.. it's stirring the blood in their veins! Ewww, blood!
And yet beware... Of what?
Don't let the wine go to your brains! I'm not Grantaire if that's what you're implying
For the army we fight is a dangerous foe
With the men and the arms that we never can match
Oh, it's easy to sit here and swat 'em like flies
But the national guard will be harder to catch. Oh, sounds fun, sorry I missed this
We need a sign No Smoking, Ha!!!
To rally the people
To call them to arms And legs!
To bring them in line!
Joly:
What's wrong today? I know that I feel sick
You look as if you've seen a ghost.
Montparnasse (as Grantaire): Some wine and say what's going on! This part ain't no picnic either
Enjolras (as Marius):
A ghost you say... a ghost maybe
She was just like a ghost to me
One minute there, and she was gone! Eww, I hate this part!
Marius (as Enjolras):
It is time for us all
To decide who we are...
All:
Red - the blood of angry men!
Black - the dark of ages past!
Red - a world about to dawn!
Black - the night that ends at last!
Marius (as Enjolras):
Well, Courfeyrac, do we have all the guns? Hey Courfeyrac!
Feuilly, Combeferre, our time is running short.
Combeferre: Am I the only who feels like we're in the Twilight zone?
Feuilly: I must admit that I am a little weirded out by this whole thing.
Marius (as Enjolras):
Grantaire, put the bottle down!
Do we have the guns we need?
Montparnasse (as Grantaire):
[drunk]: Give me brandy on my breath
And I'll breathe 'em all to death! That's a semi-cool line I guess
Me: No, a very cool line!
Marius (as Enjolras):
Lamarque is dead. Oh no!
Lamarque! His death is the hour of fate. Really?
The people's man.
His death is the sign we await! Cool!
On his funeral day they will honor his name.
It's a rallying cry that will reach every ear! Every? Cause I don't think that all the people in Wisconsin will care-
In the death of Lamarque we will kindle the flame Oooohhh, fire!
They will see that the day of salvation is near!
The time is here! Finally...
Let us welcome it gladly with courage and cheer
Let us take to the streets with no doubt in our hearts
But a jubilant shout
They will come one and all
They will come when we call!
Wow, Enjolras has really cool lines
Enjolras: I wonder why...
Marius (as Enjolras):
Do you hear the people sing? No
Singing a song of angry men? I don't hear them
It is the music of a people
Who will not be slaves again! Ah, I see
When the beating of your heart
Echoes the beating of the drums You should see a cardiologist, ha!
There is a life about to start
When tomorrow comes!
Me: Well, that was just great, but, to the garden!
[Eponine (as Cosette) stands in her garden on Rue Plumet.]
Eponine (as Cosette):
How strange, this feeling that my life's begun at last It started at dinner
This change, can people really fall in love so fast? I barely know him
What's the matter with you, Cosette? Yeah, what is the matter with you?
Have you been too much on your own? Obviously
So many things unclear Cause you're brain-dead
So many things unknown. You live inside these walls
In my life nothing happens
There are so many questions and answers I'm too stupid to think of
That somehow seem wrong because I'm stupid
In my life nothing ever happens
There are times when I catch in the silence When I would be able to hear
myself think, if I ever thought, that is
The sigh of a faraway song Being sung better than I ever could
And it sings right in my ear
Of a world that I long to see other than this stupid garden
Out of reach I have short, stubby fingers
Just a whisper away How far exactly is a whisper?
Waiting for me! The whole world doesn't revolve around you!
Does he know I'm alive? I'm not, you know, I took a bullet and all
Do I know if he's real? A golden statue...
Does he see what I saw? Javert acting like an idiot
Does he feel what I feel? That kiss was amazing...
In my life I get bored
I'm no longer alone Actually...
Now the love in my life thinks I'm annoying
Is so near that it can beat me over the head
Find me now, find me here! Because I'm too stupid to go look for it myself.
Me: She's only a little bitter, isn't she?
Marius: Just a little
Javert (as Valjean):
Dear Cosette,
You're such a lonely child Nobody likes you
How pensive, how sad you seem to me Because nobody likes you
Believe me, were it within my power as mayor, right Madeleine?
I'd fill each passing hour with my horrible singing
How quiet it must be, I can see barely, I'm so old I nearly have cataracts
With only me for company. Because I am sooooooo boring
Eponine (as Cosette):
There's so little I know What a surprise...
That I'm longing to know because I have nothing else to think about
Of the child that I was You were annoying
In a time long ago Trust me, I was there, you were annoying
There's so little you say Because you hate me
Of the life you have known I annoy you too much
Why you keep to yourself Pss, he's a convict!
Why we're always alone because nobody likes us
So dark, so dark and deep My ugly clothes!
The secrets that you keep! I'm too stupid to understand anyway
In my life Nothing ever, ever, happens
I have all that I want Except friends
You are loving and gentle and good. And boring...
But Papa, dear Papa, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, papa
In your eyes I am just like a child Just as annoying as one
Who is lost in a wood Or just plain lost in my stupidity
Javert (as Valjean):
No more words please, be quiet!
No more words, it's a time that is dead and buried and forgotten, so get over it
There are words there sure are, ones I'd like to scream at your annoying face
That are better unheard, better unsaid. Because I'm a renegade convict, who should be in jail!!!
Eponine (as Cosette):
In my life I get really bored
I'm no longer a child and I yearn for a life
For the truth that you know It's better than just sitting here
Of the years... years ago! Oh, get a life!
Javert (as Valjean):
You will learn to be quiet one day, I hope
[Javert (as Valjean) leaves the garden; Enjolras (as Marius) and Cosette (as
Eponine) are outside.]
Truth is given by God and the prefect
To us all except for you
In our time hopefully yours won't be much longer
In our turn I'd like to turn you, you little...
Enjolras (as Marius):
In my life I really don't want to be Marius!
She has burst like the music of angels Well, maybe if he were talking of Eponine...
The light of the sun And not that girl he married
And my life seems to stop Ah, barricades, ah, bullets!
As if something is over The revolution
And something has scarcely begun. A new life
Eponine Hello again...
You're the friend who has brought me here to this new light
Thanks to you I am one with the Gods They did always call me Apollo...
And Heaven is near! This song isn't half bad actually...
And I soar through a world that is new that is free... Without oppression and the such
Cosette (as Eponine) [to herself]:
Every word that he says is a dagger in me! Duh, I love you stupid!
In my life it's really hard
There's been no one like him anywhere Actually, Enjolras is quite handsome
Marius: Cosette!!!
Anywhere, where he is...
If he asked... I'd be his Well, that's not happening!
Marius: Good to know, hmph!
Enjolras (as Marius) & Cosette (as Eponine):
In my life we hate this song
There is someone who touches my life not quite...
Enjolras (as Marius): Waiting near a woman who isn't a complete idiot
Cosette (as Eponine): Waiting here I take offense, I think...
Eponine: Oh, this will be a good song
[Enjolras (as Marius) goes into the garden, leaving Cosette (as Eponine) outside.]
Enjolras (as Marius): A heart full of love...... This is a nice song Eponine...
Eponine (as Cosette): I'm awake! Thankfully
Enjolras (as Marius): A heart full of love A very nice song
Cosette (as Eponine) [outside, interjecting]: He was never mine to lose you've got that right!
Eponine (as Cosette): A heart full of you Yeah, I really misjudged this song
Cosette (as Eponine): Why regret what could not be? Exactly
Enjolras (as Marius): A single look and then I knew. I misjudged it as well
Cosette (as Eponine): These are words he'll never say Well, as long as you know that
Eponine (as Cosette): I knew it too. A very nice song...
Cosette (as Eponine): Not to me... Oh, I'm almost feeling bad for her now
Enjolras (as Marius): From today... Quite nice actually
Cosette (as Eponine): Not to me... Oh, maybe someday
Eponine (as Cosette): Every day Quite
Cosette (as Eponine): Not for me... Oh, that's so pessimistic...
Eponine (as Cosette) & Enjolras (as Marius):
For it isn't a dream I really like this song
Not a dream One of our new favorites
After all! Definitely!
Cosette (as Eponine):
His heart full of love idiot...
He will never dense block of wood...
Feel this way... Oh, that's it, I'm setting you up on a date!
Eponine: I need a break!
Me: But-
Enjolras: She said she needed a break.
Me: Oh, don't you start.
Javert: Oh, that's so cute, Romeo is protecting his Juliet.
Enjolras: Javert...
Javert: Is there something you wanted?
Enjolras: How about to be left alone?
Javert: Not going to happen.
Eponine: So we can have a break?
Me: Fine, I don't want to incur the wrath of the golden statue
Eponine: Thank you Enjolras! You're my hero!
Enjolras: Ah, thank you, I guess.
Javert: Oh, The revolutionary and the street harlot sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes a baby, and if he's a gentleman, then comes the wedding!
Enjolras: Javert, are you trying to imply something about out morals? Because I can assure you that-
Javert: Imply? I'm saying it outright!
Eponine: Oh, that's it! Come on Javert, you want to hit a girl?
Javert: I would never-
Eponine: Good, cause you'll never get the chance ::Enjolras only barely stops her arm before she punches Javert::
Enjolras: Eponine, he just wants attention, don't give it to him.
Eponine: But I want to punch him!
Enjolras: I know Ponine, we all do, but we have to learn to control our complete hate for him.
Eponine: Oh fine!
Enjolras: I know it's hard Ep, I know.
Eponine: One day Javert, one day!
Javert: Yes, one day more, whatever, I'm not afraid of you girl.
Eponine: I will not punch Javert, I will not punch Javert, I will not punch Javert...
Javert: Ah, they are the perfect pair, they both talk to themselves.
Enjolras: Will someone make him be quiet?!?!?!?!
Javert: Oh, losing your cool, that's not good.
Enjolras: Eponine, please repeat all of the things that I just said to you to keep you from punching Javert. I am really quite close to doing the same thing.
Eponine: I noticed. ::taking his arm:: Come on Enjolras, let's go somewhere quiet where we can talk.
Enjolras: That sounds very nice Eponine. If you will all excuse us...
Javert: Yes, run, run!
Enjolras: Running is better than jumping.
Valjean: Touché!
Javert: Hey, he must have a comeback book too!
Me: That isn't quite the kind of thing that one finds in a comeback book
Javert: You never know...
Gavroche: I'm bored
Fantine: As are we all.
Me: Then get back to work!
Valjean: That's boring too.
Me: How?!
Valjean: We already lived this story, can we do a different musical?
Me: But Les Misérables is the greatest musical ever!
Valjean: Let's do Jekyll and Hyde, that's kind of interesting.
Fantine: Or Aida
Javert: Or Phantom of the Opera.
Eponine: Beauty and the Beast.
Grantaire: Scarlet Pimpernel!!!
Me: No, we will finish this musical!
Valjean: Slavedriver!
Javert: Yes? Oh, you weren't talking to me.
Gavroche: I'm tired. I mean, we've been working all day and ::yawn:: I need a-
Fantine: Oh, he needs a nap, that's so cute!
Gavroche: Not quite what Mother Goose said, but, I could use some sleep...
Grantaire: It is late
Javert: The law never sleeps!
Me: Do you expect me to put you all up for the night?
Valjean: It would be the gracious, hospitable thing to do...
Me: You're insane, where do you expect me to put all of you?
Valjean: You have a few extra beds...
Me: Exactly, a few, there are sooooo many of you!
Javert: Don't you have a tent or something?
Me: Well, of course, I have a few for camping, but-Oh, you're all insane!
Valjean: Well, let's see, you have four extra beds, plus two of those beds that blow up, and three cots. Three tents, eight sleeping bags-eight sleeping bags? Why do you need so many sleeping bags?
Me: To make forts, of course!
Enjolras: Forts? How about barricades?!
Me: Yeah, barricades too...
Valjean: Back on topic! Okay, eight sleeping bags, so that's a total of 17. Now, how many people do we have?
Javert: What am I, the census taker? Make a list.
Valjean: O...k... Me, Javert, Cosette, Marius, Eponine, Azelma, that's six. Enjolras, Grantaire, Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Feuilly, Bahorel, Bousset, Joly, Jehan, that makes the total 15. Okay, and Fantine of course, Gavroche, so, 17, isn't that everyone?
Thenardier: Ahem...
Valjean: Well, I don't really trust you to be anywhere near me when I'm sleeping.
Thenardier: Fine, we'll take the tents.
Valjean: So we're staying?
Me: I guess I have no other choice...
Valjean: Good! So, now where are all of these beds exactly?
Me: Well, the four beds are in one room, two sets of bunk beds. And we can put the cots, blow-up beds, and sleeping bags wherever there is room.
Enjolras: The women should definitely take the beds, it would be improper for them to sleep on the floor.
Eponine: That's so nice
Azelma: Little he knows...
Me: Okay, so Cosette, Eponine, Azelma and Fantine are in the beds, perfect fit.
Cosette: Oh, but, I mean, Marius!
Me: I don't think so! But the room is really big, so he can sleep on the floor, along with one other. There's also some room in the living room, but that's right by the bathroom and if anyone needs to use it you'll be waken up. There's the hallway, but people walk through there to get everywhere, so that's not good either. There's some room in my room, but I don't trust you guys. And the computer is in the den and I don't trust you guys with that either. So, I guess the basement is the only place, there's lots of room there, but there are ghosts and monsters down there so...
Enjolras: Ghosts? Well, I'm game.
Eponine: Um, I don't really need a bed. I mean, I'm used to not so comfortable sleeping arrangements and Valjean is old, and it just doesn't seem fair.
Valjean: No, it's better if you-
Eponine: Really, I'll just take a cot, um, in the basement...
Me: Ok...
Eponine: Then we're agreed!
Me: So, Marius, on an inflatable bed, will be in the guest room with his wife. Javert will be in there too. All of you students, plus Eponine, could be in the basement if you want.
Gavroche: Me too!
Me: And Gavroche. Javert, you should take a cot.
Valjean: Because he's really old too.
Javert: You're no spring chicken yourself
Me: So, my dear Amis, you have all the sleeping bags and one cot and one inflatable bed.
Grantaire: Enjolras, you should have the cot, we wouldn't want our statue to get dented.
Enjolras: But I'm Marius, remember?
Grantaire: Oh, it's late, just take the cot!
Enjolras: Fine. Who wants the inflatable bed?
Combeferre: I think we're all fine with sleeping bags
Joly: As long as they're insulated that is.
Gavroche: I want the inflatable bed!
Jehan: Then it's all yours
Gavroche: Yay! Sleepover!
Me: Okay, everyone get ready for bed!
You're going to have to imagine a large bathroom, with a shower, couple of sinks, etc.
Gavroche: I can't find my toothbrush!
Me: It's right here.
Gavroche: No, you don't get it, I can't find my toothbrush
Me: Gavroche, your dentist is not going to be pleased.
Gavroche: He'll survive.
Jehan: I can't find my pajamas!
Feuilly: Are these them?
Jehan: Do they have teddy bears and flowers all over them?
Feuilly: Yes...
Jehan: Then, that's them.
Feuilly: Okay...
Grantaire: Mine have little pink elephants on them.
Javert: That's great...
Courfeyrac: I wonder who's these are, red and black, hmm, it's a mystery
Grantaire: Yeah, I wonder
Enjolras: Just give me my pajamas.
Cosette: My nightgown has 'Little Princess' written on it
Marius: Aww, that's so cute darling!
Javert: Ha, Valjean, your pajamas have loaves of bread all over them!
Valjean: No they don't
Javert: Ha, made you look!
Valjean: Hey, at least my pajamas aren't covered with 'Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'
Javert: Hey, they fight crime, give me a break!
Valjean: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, turtles on a half shell, turtle power!
Javert: Yeah? Well ::flips through comeback book:: Don't forget to clean your dentures overnight Valjean!
Cosette: Daddy, I can't find my overnight cosmetics.
Valjean: I forgot to brink them darling, I'm sorry. Oh please don't cry!
Marius: Don't worry sweeting, you look beautiful without it.
Cosette: Oh, thank you Marius.
Me: It's a good thing my parents and my brother aren't home, they would have quite a few questions about all my guests.
Combeferre: I wonder why
Eponine: I like your pajamas Enjolras.
Enjolras: Um, thank you. I like yours as well. I never knew that there were pajamas with Marius's face all over them.
Eponine: Ah, yeah, well, I've had them a while. At least mine doesn't have pictures of Cosette all over them like his does.
Enjolras: Yes...
Me: Are we all ready yet? I swear, this is taking forever
Valjean: Yeah we're ready, hold on.
Jehan: I can't find my slippers
Combeferre: Are they the ones that look like bunnies?
Jehan: Yeah!
Combeferre: Then here they are.
Jehan: Good, I need my bunnies.
Me: Okay, off to bed, unless you guys need me to sing you a lullaby or tuck you in.
Jehan: Well...
Me: It was a joke
Jehan: You could tell us a story
Me: You're college students!
Jehan: Come on, we're in a strange place
Grantaire: Not to mention the ghosts
Courfeyrac: And monsters.
Jehan: Ghosts?
Me: Leave Jehan alone! Here, I'll tell you a really short story
Jehan: Yay, short story time.
Me: Okay, this is called 'The Giving Tree' by Shel Silverstein. 'Once there was a tree...'
A few minutes later
Jehan: I like that story.
Javert: Didn't the little boy realize how selfish he was being?
Valjean: Aw, Javert was touched by the story.
Javert: No such thing, I was just asking a question so I can better comprehend the story.
Valjean: Uh huh, sure.
Me: Okay, now off to bed with you all!
Gavroche: Yeah, yeah, sure nana.
Me: Don't call me that
After they have all been settled into bed.
Gavroche: So, tell me everything there is to know about girls
Pipi: Oh, I want to know too!
Gavroche: Go away Pipi!
Pipi: Fine, you're mean.
Combeferre: Well, girls are very complicated sometimes
Courfeyrac: But once you figure them out it's easy to-
Eponine: Ahem, girl in the room.
Enjolras: Yes, please, keep the conversation decent.
Gavroche: Ponine, it's not our fault that you had to come down here.
Enjolras: Even if Eponine wasn't here I would insist we keep the conversation decent.
Grantaire: Ah, even after the kiss in the restaurant he's stuffy.
Enjolras: (just a teensy bit flustered) You saw that?
Grantaire: Everyone saw it
Enjolras: Oh...
Grantaire: Yep!
Enjolras: Oh...
Grantaire: Ah, barely blushing, you're getting over your embarrassment very quickly.
Eponine: He has nothing to be embarrassed about!
Enjolras: Exactly. I feel no embarrassment, maybe just a little bashful but never-
Me: Lights out!
Jehan: It's dark. Are there really ghosts down here?
Courfeyrac: Boo!
Jehan: Aaaahhh! Oh, it's just you. Stop that!
Enjolras: Leave Jehan alone and go to bed.
Grantaire: As long as you and Eponine don't push your cots together during the night.
Enjolras: Grantaire...
Grantaire: I'm just calling it as I see it.
Eponine: Oh, be quiet.
Courfeyrac: ...And when they opened the door they saw it. A bloody hook!
Jehan: Oh no!
Enjolras: Courfeyrac, stop scaring Jehan.
Eponine: Are they always like this?
Enjolras: Worse.
Eponine: Oh, poor baby.
Grantaire: Yes, poOoOoOor baby.
Enjolras: Be quiet Grantaire.
Javert: ::coming down the stairs dragging his cot and his pillow:: Police Inspector coming through!
Enjolras: Why are you here?
Javert: Because I couldn't listen to another minute of 'I love you pookybear' 'No, I love you sweeting' 'I love you more pookybear' 'I love you more sweeting' 'No, I love you most pookybear' 'No, I love you most sweeting' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' 'No, I do' Oh, I swear, I was going insane!
Enjolras: Ah, I see.
Javert: Yes, my ears were going to start bleeding.
Eponine: At least I'm not the only one who gets sick and tired of their incessant sweetness.
Grantaire: They're not the only ones being incessantly sweet
Enjolras: Be quiet Grantaire.
Grantaire: Haven't you realized that 'Be quiet Grantaire' never works?
Enjolras: Ah, but we can all hope.
Valjean: ::Walking down the basement stairs, dragging a deflated inflatable bed, and his pillow:: Hello friends, may I bunk down here with you?
Javert: No! Go away, I was here first!
Valjean: Oh, this is where you slithered to Javert. Anyway, I think that the students would rather have me here. I fought with them, I didn't spy against them.
Enjolras: You can both stay. But why on earth are you here? I thought you were sleeping in a bed upstairs.
Valjean: I suspect that my reason is the same as Javert's. I love my daughter, and I think Marius is the best thing for her, but even I get sick and tired of 'Close your eyes pookybear' 'No, you close your eyes first' 'No, you close your eyes first' 'No, you close your eyes first' 'No, you close your eyes first' 'No, you close your eyes first' 'I love you pookybear' 'No, I love you sweeting' etcetera, etcetera, etcetera... So I told them I thought that you all needed some kind of chaperone
Javert: I'm a fine chaperone
Valjean: Yeah, sure you are. And so I switched beds with Marius. It's just that simple
Javert: Whatever
Valjean: Where can I plug in my bed?
Javert: Upstairs!
Enjolras: There's an outlet by the wall.
Valjean: Thank you.
Eponine: Are there to be any more interruptions?
Enjolras: Let's hope not. Hopefully Azelma and Fantine can stand the sweet-talking.
Eponine: Women are usually less grossed out by that kind of thing. Though, if you care for one of the people who is doing the 'sweet talking', it can still be quite nauseating.
Me: Do I still hear voices? Isn't it time for you all to go to sleep? Don't make me come down there.
Javert: Don't make me come up there.
Me: Oh, I'm so afraid of you and your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pajamas.
Javert: Find me turtles with better theme music and I'll convert.
Me: You are soooo scary sometimes Javert
Javert: Scary enough that you would not want to break the law?
Me: Vive le Revolution!
Valjean: I think you should take that as a no
Javert: Oh, be quiet Valjean.
Me: I mean it guys, it's past your bedtime.
Enjolras: I'm a grown man, I don't think that you can quite impose a 'bedtime' on me.
Javert: And I'm 4 times your age.
Me: Well, I'm twice your brain capacity, so there!
Javert: Have you been reading my comeback book?
Me: No Javert, I guess I'm just that witty.
Javert: Don't lie to me, you've been reading it haven't you?
Me: I won't admit to something I didn't do
Valjean: Ah, Champathieu all over again.
Javert: Okay, I make one mistake, almost misconvict one man, just give me a break.
Enjolras: 'Misconvict' is not a real word
Javert: What are you, an English teacher?
Enjolras: As if you could compare me to ::shiver:: Blondeau
Combeferre: Ugh, Blondeau
Javert: This Blondeau seems like someone I'd like to meet
Enjolras: That's not surprising.
Me: Go to bed!!!
Valjean: Ugh, she's starting to sound like you Javert!
Me: I am? Oh no! It's late, please excuse me. Just try to go to bed some time during the night and try not to be too loud.
Valjean: She was really insulted to be compared to you Javert!
Javert: Oh, you all wish you could be as disciplined as I am.
Enjolras: Actually, I don't think we do.
Javert: Ah, you could have been boy, if it hadn't been for the street harlot
Enjolras: Now see here Javert-
Javert: Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist boy.
Enjolras: My 'knickers' are not in a twist, thank you very much!
Javert: Sure they aren't
Enjolras: Do you get paid by how much people hate you? Because you seem like you're working towards a commission from the prefect.
Javert: I'd rather be hated by everyone than loved by the street harlot.
Eponine: Well that's just great, because this 'street harlot' and every other 'street harlot' would never even give you a second glance
Enjolras: Unless you were arresting them, that is.
Courfeyrac: -And he said that he could still hear her scratching with her bloody fingernails in the coffin.
Jehan: Why won't anybody let her out? Somebody let her out!
Enjolras: Courfeyrac, are you still telling Jehan scary stories
Courfeyrac: Nope, classic literature all the way. 'The Fall of the House of Usher', Poe is one scary man.
Jehan: He sure is. Even my bunnies are shaking in their slippers.
Combeferre: The bunnies are slippers.
Jehan: I know, it was a joke
Courfeyrac: Oh
Enjolras: That settles it, I'm not at all tired
Eponine: Then let's play a game
Javert: I want to play BS, I have a real poker face
Enjolras: But that would mean that you would have to lie Javert
Javert: I'll survive
Enjolras: Then get out the cards. Anyone else want to play?
Valjean: I'll play.
Javert: Good, then I can crush you and catch you in all your deceit!
Valjean: If that's what you really want Javert.
Javert: It is.
Valjean: Well, then let's play!
Enjolras: Eponine, are you playing?
Eponine: Sure, why not, it sounds like fun
Grantaire: Deal me in
Enjolras: Oh, joy.
Valjean: Okay, who has the ace of spades?
Eponine: I do!
Valjean: Well, then you start
Eponine: One ace
Enjolras: One deuce
Grantaire: Deuce? Just say two!
Enjolras: One two? That doesn't sound quite right
Grantaire: It's better than you being all fancy about it!
Javert: Can we get on with it?
Grantaire: One three.
Javert: That's bull
Grantaire: Turn it over then
Javert: ::turns over card and it is indeed a three:: I had two three's, what was the chance he had one?
Valjean: You only had to pick up three cards
Javert: Spare me your pity Valjean.
Valjean: Two fours
Javert: One five
Eponine: Javert, stop looking at my cards!
Javert: Are you accusing me of cheating?
Eponine: If cheating constitutes you looking at my cards, then yes!
Javert: I was not cheating. I was just checking to make sure you weren't cheating
Eponine: Sure you were... Two sixes
Enjolras: One seven
Grantaire: Three eights!
Valjean: One nine.
Javert: BS!!! I have all four nines, you lying ex-convict!
Valjean: ::picking up the pile:: Oh, go jump off a bridge. ::At this everyone bursts out laughing::
Javert: Well, I am so glad that my suicide amuses you.
Enjolras: We are sorry Javert, we know that it is wrong to laugh at anyone's misfortunes
Eponine: Even yours.
Javert: Well, thank you so much
Valjean: Maybe we should just get back to the game?
Enjolras: That sounds like a good idea.
Javert: Fine, two tens.
Eponine: One little knighty guy
Grantaire: A jack
Enjolras: She knows that. I think we have a hustler in our mists.
Eponine: Me? A hustler?
Enjolras: Oh, I think I know you better than that Eponine.
Eponine: Oh, do you now?
Enjolras: And I know a hustler when I see one
Eponine: But why would I be a 'hustler' when we're not even playing for money? Unless we were to play for money...
Enjolras: I don't think so darling, we're not that stupid
Valjean: ::glancing at Javert:: Well, not all of us
Javert: Yeah, if you were so smart Valjean how come you were caught so many times?
Valjean: (suddenly defensive) A string of bad luck is all
Enjolras: If we may gentlemen? One queen, and one beautiful princess
Javert: Gag! I know it's late but try to keep some dignity
Enjolras: Be quiet Javert.
Grantaire: One king, your majesty firebrand
Valjean: One ace
Javert: Two twos!
Eponine: I don't have any threes, what do I do?
Grantaire: Just put something down and say it's a three.
Eponine: Okay, one three.
Javert: Well, that's obviously BS.
Eponine: You're calling me out?
Javert: Obviously ::he turns the card over and it is indeed a three:: What the-?
Enjolras: Of course you're not a hustler Eponine.
Eponine: Okay, maybe you're right, maybe I am a hustler
Enjolras: Though you do put on quite a show
Eponine: I do try.
Javert: That just isn't fair!
Valjean: Neither is being hounded all your life by a deranged police inspector.
Javert: Ugh, the whole world doesn't revolve around you. I stopped a lot of crimes.
Enjolras: Please, can we play? One four
Grantaire: One five
Valjean: One six
Javert: One seven
Enjolras: I'm sorry Javert, but I am going to have to call you a liar.
Javert: Oh, this is not fair!
Eponine: How did you know?
Enjolras: I have two sevens and Valjean has one, I know because I put it down and he was forced to pick it up.
Eponine: Wow, that's really smart
Grantaire: Yeah, yeah, he's a genius, let's get on with this.
Eponine: Fine, one eight.
Javert: Don't even try to put a 'nine' down because I have all four of them!
Enjolras: Then I will just keep my card and take that eight off of Eponine's fair hands.
Grantaire: Ok, so late at night Enjolras becomes charming?
Eponine: Seems that way
Valjean: He's still not as annoying as Marius at least.
Grantaire: One ten
Valjean: One jack
Javert: Two queens
Eponine: A handsome, fair-haired king
Grantaire: They're flirting while playing cards, this is so weird.
Enjolras: One ace
Grantaire: One two...
Ten minutes later
Enjolras: One four, and I'm out.
Javert: Well, I have no choice but to BS that.
Enjolras: I'm afraid that I have won fair and square, though the last few were all lies I'm afraid
Eponine: Congratulations Enjolras.
Enjolras: Thank you Eponine.
Valjean: Yes, well played.
Javert: Cheater.
Enjolras: What was that Javert?
Javert: Nothing, I guess you're allowed to win at something since you lost the revolution, huh?
Valjean: Oh hush, it's late!
Courfeyrac: -And they said that there was no little girl in the house, that there was at one point but she had died. She was a ghost!
Jehan: No!!!
Courfeyrac: Yes!
Jehan: Ah!
Feuilly: Boo!
Jehan: Ah!
Enjolras: What did I say about scaring Jehan?
Courfeyrac: But it's so much fun!
Enjolras: It's not a very nice thing to do.
Eponine: Let's play another game, I'm not tired yet!
Enjolras: What would you like to play?
Eponine: I don't know, how about...um...Truth or Dare?
Grantaire: I'm game
Javert: I've never backed down from a challenge yet.
Valjean: I'm in
Courfeyrac: We'll play too
Jehan: But what about the little girl, is she really a ghost?
Courfeyrac: Um, yeah, sure
Jehan: ::glancing around nervously:: oh...
Enjolras: So we're all playing?
Gavroche: Yup
Enjolras: I think I'll sit this one out
Eponine: Come on Enjolras, you have to play. Please, for me?
Enjolras: But-
Eponine: Please?
Enjolras: Well, okay. I guess I'm in too
Valjean: Who's going first?
Grantaire: Since Eponine suggested it, it's only fair that she go first
Eponine: Okay, Enjolras, truth or dare?
Enjolras: I guess truth
Eponine: Oh, you're no fun
Grantaire: We could have told you that
Eponine: Okay, um, let me see. We're all grown-ups right?
Valjean: Some of us more grown than others
Javert: At least I don't need a magnifying glass to read street signs
Courfeyrac: Score another one for the comeback book
Combeferre: Gavroche is not an adul-
Gavroche: Don't make me sing Little People. I'll do it, I swear I'll do it
Combeferre: Okay, okay, fine
Eponine: Okay, a truth...What's your first name?
Enjolras: I refuse to answer that, I am simply Enjolras.
Eponine: You have to answer!
Enjolras: I don't have to do anything I don't want to do!
Eponine: Then you have to do the dare!
Enjolras: But I don't want to do the dare
Eponine: Too bad, you have to!
Enjolras: Fine, what do I have to do?
Eponine: You have to, um...
Grantaire: Make it something good, we never get to make Enjolras do anything.
Eponine: I dare you to go upstairs and pledge your love to Cosette. I want to see if Marius tries to beat you up.
Enjolras: You want me to what? That's utterly ridiculous!
Eponine: You have to do it or I'll have to make you do something even worse
Enjolras: But I can barely stand Cosette, no offense Valjean.
Eponine: Too bad, you have to
Enjolras: Fine!
They all climb upstairs to where they can still here 'No, I really, really mean it, I love you most!' 'No, I really, really, really mean it, I love you most!'
Enjolras: Excuse the interruption but...
Eponine: (whispering from behind the door) Go on!
Enjolras:
I couldn't sleep because I felt that I needed to get something off my chest
Javert:
Yeah, that ugly red vest
Eponine: Shh!
Enjolras: I am in love with Cosette. ::Muffled laughter from the hallway::
Marius: What? Enjolras, I cannot believe that-
Cosette: That's so cool!
Marius: What? Cosette!
Cosette: Oh, I love you Marius, but still, admit it, if Enjolras liked you you would feel cool too!
Marius: I don't quite think so...
Cosette: Oh, you know what I mean!
Enjolras: Okay, I'll be, um, going now
Marius: No, I have to um, beat you up or something ::more muffled laughter::
Enjolras: No, don't worry, I'll just always hold it inside
Marius: Phew, that's a relief, I wasn't sure that I could take you
Back in the basement
Enjolras: I can't believe you made me do that!
Eponine: Admit it, that was fun!
Enjolras: For you perhaps but now that girl is going to think I'm in love with her!
Eponine: She'll probably forget by tomorrow anyway.
Enjolras: I hope so
Grantaire: Your turn firebrand
Enjolras: Fine. Truth or dare Javert?
Jehan: Oh that rhymes, I bet I could make a poem out of that...
Javert: Dare! I'm not a wimpy man like you.
Enjolras: Fine then. I dare you to...
Valjean: Shave your sideburns!
Javert: Never!
Gavroche: Sing 'I'm a little teapot'!
Javert: I have too much dignity to-
Grantaire: Get drunk like you did at the restaurant!
Javert: At the restaurant? I didn't-
Enjolras: No, something worse than that. I dare you to ::dramatic pause:: do the Macarena!
Javert: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Valjean: A fate worse than death
Javert: I, no, the Macarena-
Enjolras: I thought you weren't 'wimpy like I am'
Javert: Oh fine! ::he grudgingly gets up:: When I dance they call me Macarena...
Valjean: I'm glad that I had my camera with me
Javert: You what?!
Valjean: Don't worry, I won't show the pictures to anybody, well, except maybe the prefect
Javert: You wouldn't dare
Valjean: Oh, wouldn't I?
Enjolras: Valjean, I had no idea you were so underhanded.
Grantaire: I like it!
Gavroche: Come on, come on, it's Javert's turn!
Javert: Fine, truth or dare rebel?
Enjolras: I would assume you're talking to me?
Javert: Yes
Gavroche: But Enjolras already went!
Grantaire: Wait, I have a theory. When it comes their turn, how many people are going to truth or dare Enjolras? ::all hands rise:: That's what I thought
Enjolras: Why, that's simply ridiculous! Now you know why I didn't want to play!
Grantaire: As I see it, the only fair thing to do is to 'truth or dare' Enjolras, and then instead of firebrand doing the next 'truth or daring' the person who does the truth or daring to Enjolras hands over the 'truth or daring' privilege to the next 'truth or darer'
Gavroche: I'll be surrogate Marius. Duh?
Grantaire: Javert 'truth or dares' Enjolras, and then Javert picks who gets to 'truth or dare' Enjolras next, etc, etc.
Combeferre: Oh, I see
Grantaire: Fair enough?
Enjolras: NO! Are you all insane? You can't really expect me to-
Eponine: Come on Enjy!
Enjolras: No, I'm not going to put myself at the mercy of you and your weird dares!
Grantaire: Then let's take a vote. How many people like my idea? ::all hands but Enjolras's rise:: Then it's settled, Javert, if you will?
Enjolras: But-
Grantaire: We voted, don't you believe in democracy?
Enjolras: Of course I do but-
Grantaire: Then it's settled!
Enjolras: No, I will not-
Grantaire: Long live democracy!
All: Long live democracy!
Enjolras: NO!!!
All: Yes!!!
Enjolras: Argh!!!
Grantaire: I think we've beaten him. Javert, if you will?
Javert: Truth or dare rebel.
Enjolras: ::dejectedly, beaten by those he had considered friends (except for Javert of course):: Truth, I will not go up and tell Cosette I love her again.
Javert: He's not going to make this easy for us
Enjolras: What a surprise...
Javert: Okay, I'm going to go totally against character because it's late and everyone acts differently at night. Besides, I'm bored. Who was the first woman you ever kissed?
Enjolras: My mother. Next, let's get this over with.
Javert: That doesn't count
Enjolras: Then you should have been more specific. Next!
Javert: ::grumble, grumble:: Valjean might as well go next
Valjean: Why thank you Javert. So, Enjolras, why do you hate my daughter so much?
Enjolras: I don't know, she's just so sickeningly sweet
Valjean: Well, she was raised well.
Enjolras: Yes, I see that. Next!
Valjean: Um, Grantaire was it? You can go.
Grantaire: Oh, I've been waiting for this!
Enjolras: I fear for my life and my sanity
Grantaire: As well you should. Enjolras, truth or dare.
Enjolras: Tru-
Grantaire: Dare? Well, that's just great.
Enjolras: I said truth!
Grantaire: Fine, but you're not going to like the truth question.
Enjolras: Try me ::Grantaire whispers in Enjolras's ear and Enjolras flushes a deep red color:: Ok, dare.
Eponine: Oh, what was the question?
Enjolras: A gentleman dare not repeat it.
Eponine: I can only imagine
Enjolras: I don't think you could.
Grantaire: Ah, dare, see firebrand, I was right all along.
Enjolras: Yes, yes, is anyone tired yet? I think the insane fan-fiction writing lady was right, it's time to go to sleep.
Grantaire: I don't think so. I dare you to kiss Eponine.
Enjolras: What, are we thirteen year olds? I've already kissed Eponine.
Grantaire: Yeah, but I don't think you've got the guts to do it in front of us.
Enjolras: You doubt me?
Grantaire: Obviously...
Enjolras: Wait, don't I need Eponine's permission or something?
Eponine: You've always got my permission Enjy.
Enjolras: Well, ok. ::he proceeds to give her a tiny peck on the cheek:: Happy now?
Grantaire: No, that doesn't count!
Enjolras: Should have been more specific. Well, it was great guys, but we have a busy day tomorrow and-
Grantaire: I don't think so. There are still nine people who have yet to dare you.
Enjolras: Well, that's too bad. I mean, I have to use the bathroom, yeah, that's it, the bathroom...
Grantaire: Well, fine.
Five minutes later
Grantaire: He sure has been gone a long time...
Ten minutes later
Feuilly: ::dragging Enjolras back with the help of Bahorel:: We caught him trying to escape out the window.
Grantaire: Enjolras, running? Tsk, tsk.
Enjolras: Oh, be quiet
Grantaire: Who's next? Um, Combeferre, will you go?
Combeferre: No, I don't think it would be right.
Grantaire: You have to go sometime.
Combeferre: Fine, truth or dare Enjolras?
Enjolras: Truth...
Combeferre: Do you like Eponine?
Enjolras: Yes, and thank you friend for giving me an easy one.
Combeferre: Um, Bossuet, would you like to go next?
Bousset: Why not? Truth or dare Enjolras?
Enjolras: Truth but of course.
Bousset: Who's your favorite Ami?
Enjolras: What? Bousset, I could never answer that, for you are all my friends under the wide banner of the revolution.
Bousset: Yeah, yeah, answer the question
Enjolras: Probably Courfeyrac or Combeferre, happy that I've alienated all my other friends now?
Bousset: Actually, kind of.
Enjolras: Great...
Bousset: Seven to go, um, Bahorel?
Bahorel: Do you think I could take you in a fight?
Enjolras: Sure, why not, next!
Bahorel: Courfeyrac, would you like to go?
Courfeyrac: Seeing as I am one of Enjolras's best friends, I should probably be nice
Enjolras: That would be very nice of you.
Courfeyrac: Still, this is a very rare occurrence, to have you at my mercy...
Enjolras: Courfeyrac...
Courfeyrac: Fine, truth or dare?
Enjolras: Can I trust you?
Courfeyrac: Probably
Enjolras: I know I'm going to regret this. Dare...
Courfeyrac: Huzzah.
Enjolras: Remember, you said you would be nice
Courfeyrac: Yeah, yeah...Um, I dare you to go upstairs and
Enjolras: I'm already regretting this.
Courfeyrac: And go outside to where Patron-Minette is
Eponine: That might not be a great idea...
Courfeyrac: And tell Thenardier that you like Eponine.
Eponine: He's not going to care
Enjolras: And if he does I almost fear for what will happen
Courfeyrac: Will you do it?
Enjolras: Yes, but if something bad happens let it be on your head.
Grantaire: I will gladly bear the weight Courfeyrac.
Courfeyrac: Thank you.
Enjolras: And who is coming with me this time?
Eponine: I'll go
Grantaire: I think we should all go, this will probably be interesting
Enjolras: Yes, yes, all witness my discomfort. What are there seven more people left to torture me?
Grantaire: Yes, unless you want to give us all another turn
Enjolras: It's more likely that Javert will shave off his sideburns, change his name to Babette and perform Swan Lake for us in a pink tutu while singing the Alphabet Song and carrying a tie-dyed poodle!
Grantaire: So, it is possible.
Enjolras: Be quiet Grantaire.
Grantaire: Never!
Enjolras: Let's get on with this you sick, twisted torturers.
Grantaire: Now is that any way to speak to your 'friends under the wide banner of the revolution.'?
Enjolras: You enjoy torturing me, don't you?
Grantaire: Truthfully? It tickles me.
Enjolras: ::scowling:: Everyone is against me.
Eponine: I'm not Enjolras
Enjolras: I should hope not.
They proceed to the backyard where there are three tents set up, and a fire.
Gavroche: Oh, they get a campfire, no fair!
Valjean: I don't think that we were allowed to build fires.
Javert: The weird fiction writer lady is not going to be happy.
Combeferre: She'll probably torture us by making us perform Barney or Sesame Street next.
Enjolras: Shh, don't give her any ideas.
Thenardier: Who's out there?
Eponine: It's just us
Thenardier: Oh, what do you want?
Enjolras: I have something to tell you.
Thenardier: The rebel leader? Unless you came to give us a...donation I don't really care what you have to say.
Enjolras: Well, I just felt that I had to tell you that um, I like your daughter.
Thenardier: You what?
Enjolras: I said it already, I don't have to say it again.
Courfeyrac: Well, maybe he didn't hear you?
Enjolras: Do you really think I'm that stupid?
Courfeyrac: Of course not, but you never know, it's late and you're acting weird.
Enjolras: I'm only acting weird because you are daring me to be 'weird'
Thenardier: ::putting on a saccharine sweet smile:: Oh, Inspector Javert, I didn't see you there. Won't you please come into our tent?
Valjean: ::glancing at the poker in the campfire:: Trust me Javert, don't go in there
Javert: But I don't trust you Valjean. ::Glancing at Thenardier's evil smirk:: But maybe I trust you more than I trust him.
Thenardier: But my dear Inspector-
Javert: No, really, that's okay
Enjolras: Can we go now?
Courfeyrac: Ugh, I guess so, that was no fun at all!
Enjolras: You would rather I had been beaten up?
Courfeyrac: Well...
Enjolras: What a great friend
Javert: Back to the basement!
Back in the basement
Enjolras: Really, don't you all think it is time to sleep?
Grantaire: No!
Enjolras: Who is next? My patience and sanity are wearing thin.
Gavroche: I want to go, I want to go!
Courfeyrac: Go ahead Gavroche.
Gavroche: Truth or dare?
Enjolras: You're young and you exposed Javert, so I feel like I can trust you for some odd reason.
Gavroche: So dare?
Enjolras: I guess so.
Gavroche: Yay! I dare you to marry Eponine and become my brother-in-law!
Enjolras: I think that is one dare that I am actually allowed to turn down.
Grantaire: Yeah, that isn't happening
Courfeyrac: Can you imagine Enjolras married?
Enjolras: Would that be so shocking?
Feuilly: An apartment in Paris
Enjolras: I would rather have a house
Bousset: The little wife cooking him dinner
Enjolras: No, I would want her to be independen-
Combeferre: And a dozen little Enjolras's
Enjolras: A dozen?
Grantaire: All with little red vests
Enjolras: Well, surely the girls would not be wearing-
Courfeyrac: Can you imagine?
Enjolras: Well, you all seem to be quite able to-
Feuilly: 'Down with naptime!'
Enjolras: Hey-
Bahorel: 'No more baths!'
Enjolras: They would stay clean-
Bousset: And Enjolras, the caring father 'Now children, I am going to tell you a story about a wonderful man. He wasn't a prince, no, not anything so horrible. He was a great man and his name was Robespierre'
Enjolras: So?
Grantaire: 'I remember a time when there was no guillotine and there was no equality in death, so be thankful for what you have.'
Enjolras: And what's wrong with that?
Combeferre: But they would probably be beautiful children.
Enjolras: Thank you Combeferre, I think...
Grantaire: Of course, all the other children would be jealous or in love with them.
Enjolras: Well, that is not necessarily-
Courfeyrac: 'Mommy, mommy, help me! A group of lovesick girls followed me home!'
Enjolras: Courfeyrac, I-
Feuilly: 'Now junior, that's something that you will have to learn to live with'
Enjolras: Feuilly, please-
Bousset: 'I know I have'
Enjolras: Why Bousset, I-
Courfeyrac: 'But now I have an excuse to stay away from them. That is the best thing about being married'
Enjolras: That isn't-
Bahorel: 'Well, not the best thing'
Enjolras: Well, I don't even want to know what you mean by-
Bousset: 'What do you mean father?'
Courfeyrac: 'I will tell you when you're older. Now put on your little red vest and start studying Voltaire!'
Enjolras: I would not force them to wear-
Bahorel: 'If I must father.'
Feuilly: 'Oh Ponine, darling'
Eponine: Oh, so I'm the little wife?
Bousset: (in high falsetto) 'Yes, Enjolras darling?'
Eponine: I do not sound like that!
Feuilly: 'You know, I've been wanting another child'
Enjolras: What are you implying?
Bousset: 'But we have 6 already'
Eponine: Six?
Feuilly: 'Oh, but I do love children'
Enjolras: I don't see what that has to do with-
Bousset: 'You sure do' ::they make false kissing noises::
Enjolras: JUST STOP! Okay, weird deja-vu feeling...But anyway, be quiet!
Grantaire: Soooooooorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyy
Enjolras: Enough with your sarcasm Grantaire.
Javert: Page 62 and we haven't done any of the play since page 28. If anyone is actually reading this they are insane.
Me: (From upstairs) The omniscient weird fan fiction writer lady hears you talking about her Javert and she is not pleased!
Javert: But, I mean, 34 pages of rubbish?
Enjolras: Then perhaps we can just end this part and go to bed?
Grantaire: No, we still have three to go!
Gavroche: But Enjolras didn't marry Eponine!
Enjolras: Well, it's not happening. You can ask me a truth question if you like, I do not want to be unfair.
Gavroche: Fine. Are you a 'pure one'?
Combeferre: Gavroche!
Enjolras: Why do children grow up so fast nowadays?
Gavroche: I dunno, probably cause we're abandoned by our parents and stuff
Enjolras: Oh.
Gavroche: So answer.
Enjolras: What was the question again?
Gavroche: You want me to draw you a diagram?
Enjolras: That won't be necessary. I think I'll just pass on the question.
Gavroche: You can't do that.
Enjolras: Well I sure as hell am not going to answer a question about my relations.
Gavroche: Wimp
Enjolras: I am not a-
Gavroche: Wimp in denial.
Marius: (From upstairs) That's a river in Egypt
Javert: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! His voice follows me!!! Ah!!!!!!!!!!
Valjean: Calm down Javert!
Enjolras: Can we get on with this? I want to end this stupid game!
Javert: And this stupid chapter
Gavroche: Then answer the question.
Enjolras: No.
Gavroche: You have to.
Enjolras: No. I'll do a dare. But it cannot include marrying Eponine.
Gavroche: You are so not fun.
Enjolras: You're not the first to say so.
Gavroche: Fine. I dare you to go upstairs and kiss what's her name.
Enjolras: Not Cosette again.
Gavroche: Yeah, that's the one.
Enjolras: I refuse to do that too
Valjean: I have nothing against you Enjolras, but stay away from my daughter.
Enjolras: I don't want your daughter.
Valjean: What? So now she's not good enough for you rebel?
Enjolras: Have you gone insane?
Valjean: I think that you're insane for not being in love with my daughter.
Enjolras: That's it, I'm ending this chapter.
Valjean: Oh no you don't, we're arguing here.
Gavroche: And you never did my dare!
Grantaire: And Jehan, Joly and Feuilly have yet to go.
Enjolras: I don't care. As leader I reserve the right to end chapters and that is what I am doing.
The End
To be continued.
Me: I don't think so. You finish the game
Enjolras: But-
Me: No buts. Gavroche, ask something easy, I want to go to bed and I can't until this stupid chapter is over.
Gavroche: Fine. What's the difference between National Socialism and Fascism? I mean, they're on different sides, one's to the left and one's to the right, but they're like synonyms.
Enjolras: That is a very intelligent question that I would be happy to answer.
Me: And while he does so we will go to a commercial break.
************************************************************************
Valjean: Do you ever wonder who you are? It could be because you're getting on in years and you're not as sharp as you used to be.
Javert: Like you 24601, sharp as a bowling ball
Valjean: What you need is this herbal energizer that also boosts memory. So next time you think to yourself 'Who am I?' just remember it's not who you are but what brand herbal medicine you take.
Javert: And I'm the scary one?
************************************************************************
Enjolras: ...And that's the difference between National Socialism and Fascism
Gavroche: Wow, that was very informative.
Enjolras: Who's next?
Gavroche: Jehan can go.
Jehan: Enjolras, are there really ghosts down here?
Enjolras: To the best of my knowledge, yes
Jehan: Oh. Joly, why don't you go while I find my nightlight?
Joly: Do I look sick to you?
Enjolras: No, you look tired. Feuilly, you are the last one to go.
Feuilly: And I relinquish my power to Grantaire, for I feel he will make it much better than I ever could.
Enjolras: No, you can't do that.
Grantaire: Feuilly, have I mentioned lately how great you are?
Feuilly: I try.
Enjolras: You'll pay for this Feuilly.
Grantaire: I think you'll pay more firebrand.
Enjolras: At least you're the last one
Grantaire: That I am, save the best for last I always say.
Enjolras: No you don't
Grantaire: I do now.
Enjolras: Okay, just get your torture over with.
Grantaire: Let's see...I could ask you to sing a song from the Pirates of Penzance.
Enjolras: Oh, I am a pirate king-(Anthony Warlow again folks)
Grantaire: But that would be too simple
Enjolras: Then what is it I must do?
Grantaire: You have a choice. Either a) Let us French braid your hair
Enjolras: Well, that's not happening
Grantaire: Or b) ::whispers something in Enjolras's ear that once again makes him turn bright scarlet::
Enjolras: You know what? A French braid is looking pretty good about now.
Eponine: Oh, I'll do it!
Enjolras: Okay...
Eponine: Oh, you have soft hair.
Grantaire: He conditions.
Eponine: There, all done.
Grantaire: Darn it.
Combeferre: He actually looks good.
Eponine: Not bad if I may say so.
Enjolras: You know, usually I wouldn't approve, but it's late and it really doesn't look half bad.
Grantaire: That backfired.
Enjolras: Ah, that ordeal is finally over!
Grantaire: You sure you don't want to do that other dare Enjolras?
Enjolras: (again scarlet) No thank you Grantaire.
Grantaire: Pity...
Eponine: Now what should we do?
Gavroche: Let's go make s'mores on the fire
Courfeyrac: Let's sneak upstairs and get ice cream
Grantaire: Let's put on really loud music
Eponine: Let's go outside and play manhunt.
Javert: That sounds fun. I'll hunt you down Valjean.
Valjean: Oh, I'm in Javert. You weren't able to catch me in real life and you won't be able to in the game either.
Javert: We'll see.
Enjolras: So we're all playing?
All: Yes!
Eponine: I'm going to go ask everyone else if they want to play too.
Gavroche: Don't ask Patron-Minette Ponine. I mean, a game, in the dark, with them?
Eponine: You're probably right Gavroche. I'll only invite some people.
So ten minutes later everyone (all of the Amis, Eponine, Azelma, Fantine, Javert, Valjean, Cosette, Marius, Gavroche, and Montparnasse) is assembled outside, most in black.
Enjolras: First things first. Montparnasse, please give me all the weapons that you have on your person at this time.
Montparnasse: ::reluctantly handing over an assortment of weapons from seemingly endless pockets:: Fine, fine. What did you think I was going to do, murder you all one by one?
Jehan: The thought did cross our minds
Montparnasse: Scaredy cats.
Enjolras: So here are the rules. We'll be divided into two teams. The idea is to capture all the members of the other team. You have to put them in jail, which will be this lawn here. To capture someone you have to hold them and say 'Manhunt, manhunt, 123, 123'. We'll pick teams. Who wants to be the captains?
Javert: I want to be the jailer!
Valjean: What a surprise...
Javert: And I insist I am not on Valjean's team!
Valjean: That's a shame, you know how good I am at eluding you.
Javert: ::Grumble, grumble::
Grantaire: I nominate Enjolras for leader, it seems only fitting
Enjolras: Maybe I don't want to lead for once
Grantaire: Fat chance
Enjolras: Is there anyone else who wants to be captain?
Marius: (With his hand raised as if in a classroom) Oh, me, pick me!
Enjolras: I guess Marius is the other captain.
Marius: Yay! I pick Cosette first!
Eponine: What a surprise...
Enjolras: Let's see, I pick Combeferre.
Marius: My wonderful father-in-law!
Valjean: joy.
Enjolras: Courfeyrac.
Marius: Um, Cosette's mommy!
Fantine: I assume he's talking to me?
Marius: Yup!
Fantine: joy.
They continue picking, the teams wind up like this
Enjolras: Combeferre, Courfeyrac, Eponine, Javert, Azelma, Feuilly, Gavroche, and Grantaire.
Marius: Cosette, Valjean, Fantine, Bahorel, Jehan, Joly, Bousset, Montparnasse.
Enjolras: We'll toss a coin to decide who hides first.
Marius: Heads!
The coin winds up tails.
Marius: Doh!
Enjolras: Okay everyone on my team, hi-
Grantaire: Wait! We need a team name!
Enjolras: No we don't!
Grantaire: Yes we do!
Enjolras: Fine, but make it quick.
Grantaire: We should be called The Olympians. I'm Pylades!
Enjolras: What??? Oh, it doesn't matter. Everyone on my team hide!
Gavroche: Can do!
After a count of 100
Valjean: Come out come out wherever you are Javert. How does it feel to be hunted?
Javert: (from faraway) Oh, I'm so scared
Valjean: You should be!
Cosette: Hello? Hello? Where is everybody?
Eponine: (also from far away) Hiding from you because we don't like you!
Montparnasse: Eponine, where are you, you know you can't hide from me.
Jehan: It's dark, I'm scared. Someone come out so that I don't have to be alone.
Joly: I'm going to get a cold out here.
Bahorel: Someone come out or I'll get my boxing gloves.
Bossuet: My head is cold.
Marius: ::spotting Azelma who is hiding behind a tree (she's real skinny):: Ah, got you
Azelma: Oh darn!
Valjean: I'll be jailer. Get in character you know.
Azelma: You're locking me up?
Valjean: I'm sorry.
Azelma: I mean, I've been in jail before, but usually it's a girl's detention center, not a lawn.
Valjean: Oh yeah, I remember that, it was kind of my fault.
Azelma: That's okay, with my therapist's help I've been able to blame my father.
Valjean: I see
Montparnasse: I got one
Combeferre: Darn it, I shouldn't have stopped running to finish my novel.
Valjean: Yeah, that was a bad idea.
Combeferre: Oh, hello Azelma, they got you too?
Azelma: Yeah, dirty rats.
Combeferre: We won't be in here long, we Amis look out for each other.
Eponine: ::running into jail and freeing Azelma and Combeferre:: We Thenardier's look out for each other too!
Bahorel: I got Grantaire.
Grantaire: Let me go!
Bahorel: It's not my fault you had to stop at the bar for a beer.
Grantaire: Yeah, that wasn't too smart, I see that now.
Fantine: I, um, caught this one.
Courfeyrac: Caught by a woman, the shame.
Feuilly: Ah, stop sneezing on me Joly!
Joly: Sorry, but I do have a cold.
Feuilly: Sure you do.
Montparnasse: Ha, I caught the police inspector.
Javert: It's not my fault I'm so tall
Montparnasse: Now the wheel has turned around
Valjean: Maybe if you weren't wearing the hat, that could give you away.
Javert: Take off my hat? Never!
Valjean: I am the jailer of hundreds of prisoners, they all look to me.
Javert: Yeah, right.
Valjean: Well, at least I have you, Grantaire, Courfeyrac, and Feuilly.
Eponine: (from behind a tree) Not for long!
Valjean: ::running after her:: We'll see
Enjolras: ::sneaking out from behind a bush shaped like a Greek statue:: Freedom my friends! And, um, Javert...
Grantaire: Huzzah! Knew we could count on you firebrand.
Enjolras: Just stay away from the bar this time
Eponine: Lousy copper, picking on a girl.
Valjean: Where did all my prisoners go?!
Eponine: I sacrificed myself for them, shouldn't have left your post.
Valjean: Darn!
Eponine: It is a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done-
Javert: (from faraway) You are the Worst Jailer Ever!
Valjean: Shut up!
Eponine: Some day my prince will come...
Enjolras: (In a deep whisper from right behind her) He's already here.
Eponine: My hero!
Valjean: ::cornering Enjolras in between two houses:: Ah, Enjolras, my daughter isn't good enough for you? I'll put you in jail.
Enjolras: You're deranged sir.
Valjean: Then Javert made me that way.
Enjolras: I'm faster than you are.
Valjean: I'm stronger
Montparnasse: ::emerging from the shadows:: And I'm right behind you!
Enjolras: Merde!!! I'm caught!
Valjean: It's about time.
Enjolras: I guess I should have known that if you constantly break the law it will eventually catch up with you.
Marius: So how's jail Enjolras?
Enjolras: Greener than I would have supposed
Valjean: Javert, I will catch you...
Gavroche: ::swinging upside-down from a branch on a tree right next to the lawn:: Freedom Enjolras!
Enjolras: You are a good man Gavroche.
Gavroche: Can I be an Ami?
Enjolras: Yes, you are now an honorary Ami.
Gavroche: Huzzah!
Valjean: I lost him! Darn that rebel!
Marius: Maybe you should not be the jailer, you would be better suited to run, you've had more experience with that
Valjean: I guess so, now I can really find Javert. Hunt for that man, comb the city every street, every grate, you put a guard at every gate, drag him out, shout the moment that you find him. Damn!
Javert: Such profanity in front of the children? Tsk, tsk.
Valjean: Where are you hiding Javert? Come out and fight me like a man!
Javert: We're playing manhunt Valjean, the point is to hide
Cosette: Yay, yay, I am the jailer!
Marius: You sure are darling.
Cosette: Go and catch someone Marius so I can guard them!
Marius: Of course darling.
Eventually all of 'The Olympians' are caught except for Enjolras. Montparnasse, Bahorel, and Marius are the only ones who searching for him, all the rest are guarding the 'prisoners'.
Marius: Enjolras, come on out, you can't hide forever!
Enjolras: We'll see about that
Montparnasse: And you're going to allow your friends to rot in jail?
Enjolras: Of course not.
Bahorel: Come on Enjolras, just try to free them.
Valjean: How does it feel to be in jail Javert?
Javert: Soft and grass-like.
Valjean: Well, if this were Toulon-
Javert: Then you would be the one in jail.
Enjolras: ::holding red flag (don't ask me where he got it) high above his head:: Come and get me! ::All scatter to find him, but when they reach him find out it was a dress mannequin from my basement (as unlikely as that sounds, though I do actually have one, of course) In the meantime Enjolras has freed the whole team
Marius: No!
Enjolras: Yes. But as gracious winners we have decided to allow you to hide for a time.
Cosette: Yay!
Montparnasse: That's decent of you.
Enjolras: Decent enough that you won't murder me in my sleep?
Montparnasse: Don't push your luck
After another count of 100
Javert: (in scary deranged-Javert voice) Now the hunt begins...
Eponine: Okay, that was scary, don't be 'The Inspector' for once. Just be like a normal guy
Javert: Nor-maal? What's that?
Eponine: Oy...
Combeferre: By my calculations there is an 87% chance of someone being in this tree
Joly: Ah-choo!
Combeferre: Okay, 100% chance...
Joly: Darn you cold, darn you!
Javert: Ah, the sickly one, jail always gets to the sickly ones.
Joly: Um, help, friends, HELP!
Enjolras: Really Javert, you don't have to scare him
Javert: Oh, don't I?
Enjolras: No, you don't!
Eponine: Oh Cosette, dear Cosette, where are you?
Enjolras: Remember, be gentle
Eponine: Yeah, yeah...
Feuilly: Come out or I'll fan and I'll fan and I'll blow your house down!
Eponine: Ah, found you lark!
Cosette: Oh, darn it!
Eponine: If you ever want to see your little flower again Marius you had better try and save her...
Cosette: Oh Marius, save me!
Javert: Oh no, you're staying in jail. I'm a much better jailer than Valjean could ever dream of being.
Valjean: (from behind a bush in close proximity) Are not!
Javert: ::catching Valjean:: Exhibit A
Valjean: ::rolling eyes:: Oh wow, you know you're alphabet...
Javert: Well I do see that my team is much better than yours.
Valjean: We'll see.
Courfeyrac: I picked up Bousset.
Bousset: A baldhead in a leafy bush isn't all that hard to spot.
Azelma: Ah, I got one!!!!!
Bahorel: Caught by a twig, such horrendous shame!
Azelma: I'm a Thenardier twig, we're tougher.
Enjolras: ::producing Marius:: I brought you a present Eponine.
Cosette: Oh Marius, at least we're together
Gavroche: I got Mother Goose!
Fantine: My name is Fantine Gavroche, Fantine!
Gavroche: Yeah, yeah, Old Mother Hubbard, I don't care
Cosette: Mommy!
Fantine: Ah, this lawn is getting kind of crowded, kind of fast
Valjean: I noticed
Enjolras: Just two left
Eponine: Parnasse
Enjolras: And Jehan.
Combeferre: There's a 97.68% chance Jehan will be near a lighted area
Eponine: And the same for Parnasse in a dark area.
Enjolras: Eponine and I will search for Montparnasse. Feuilly, you, Courfeyrac, and Grantaire find Jehan. And don't scare him to death!
Grantaire: Fine, but that takes all the fun out of it!
Enjolras: Combeferre, you, Javert, Azelma, and Gavroche guard our 'prisoners'.
Javert: With pleasure
Cosette: Mommy, he's scaring me!
Fantine: Don't worry, he scares everyone
Eponine: Enjolras, stay quiet, I can lure out Parnasse, just wait for him and catch him.
Enjolras: Just be careful
Eponine: Don't worry, it's Parnasse, he's like a kitten
Enjolras: Yeah, a baby tiger...
Eponine: (semi-loud) Well, since Enjolras will probably catch Montparnasse and Jean Prouvaire I should probably go back and guard the jail. But I don't really like being on the side of the law. Too bad, me all alone at night. All alone...
Montparnasse: (whispered) You know you're never really alone Eponine.
Eponine: Parnasse? Is that you? You scared me.
Montparnasse: Sorry Ponine, but that's the kind of guy I am
Eponine: Where are you? I can't see you.
Montparnasse: ::coming out of the shadows:: I'm right here
Enjolras: And I'm right behind you.
Montparnasse: Merde! Deja-vu!
Enjolras: I hope the others caught Jehan.
Montparnasse: Lousy cops ::grumble, grumble:: got caught ::grumble, grumble:: tricked by a Thenardier ::grumble, grumble:: bloody rebel leader ::grumble, grumble:: etc.
Eponine: Ah, don't feel bad Parnasse, you were caught by the best!
Montparnasse: ::grumble, grumble::
Courfeyrac: Jehan, oh Jehan, where are you?
Feuilly: We don't want the monsters to get to you
Grantaire: Or the ghosts
Feuilly: Don't forget the boogeyman
Grantaire: And the Javert monster!
Jehan: (quiet) Eep!
Feuilly: (whispered to Courfeyrac) I think I heard him
Courfeyrac: (in a whisper) That or a sad little mouse
Feuilly: (louder) Maybe we should just leave
Courfeyrac: I'm sure Jehan is not afraid of the dark
Feuilly: And the monsters...
Grantaire: And the ghosts...
Courfeyrac: And the boogeyman...
Feuilly: And the Javert monster!
Jehan: ::coming out of hiding:: No! Don't leave! Please, I don't want to be alone!
Grantaire: Manhunt, manhunt, 123, 123!
Jehan: Better to be caught by you than the boogeyman...
Marius: Oh, we lost! Darn, darn, darn, darn, DARN!
Enjolras: Ah, the better team won. Huzzah for the- what was it?
Grantaire: Olympians!
Enjolras: Huzzah for the Olympians!
Olympians: Huzzah for the Olympians!
Montparnasse: ::grumble, grumble::
Valjean: As chaperone I feel it is about time we go to bed.
Javert: You are so old and boring!
Valjean: Am not, but sleep is important!
Gavroche: Spoil sport!
Eponine: So what should we do now?
Fantine/Cosette: Makeover!
Eponine: What?
Cosette: ::dragging her off:: We're going to make you pretty!
Eponine: Which means I'm not now...?
Cosette: You too Azelma!
Azelma: But I don't-
Cosette: Too bad!
Enjolras: Eponine, do you want me to, um, rescue you?
Eponine: No, why don't you do that male bonding stuff and I'll take care of them...
Enjolras: If you say so...
Grantaire: Now, time to do manly men stuff!
10 minutes later
Upstairs
Cosette: Pass me the hairbrush!
Fantine: Mascara!
Azelma: Eponine, help me!
Eponine: M'aidez, m'aidez, we're going down...
Basement
Grantaire: Okay, manly man stuff...
Combeferre: And that would be...?
Enjolras: A good question if ever I heard one
Grantaire: Um, smoking cigars, playing pool, poker, getting drunk-
Enjolras: So the usual for you Grantaire?
Grantaire: Well, I am a manly man!
Enjolras: Sure you are.
Grantaire: Fine, why don't we plan Enjolras's bachelor party?
Combeferre: Grantaire-
Enjolras: Oh, so now you seek to mock my new relationship
Grantaire: No, I'm just saying that I want your bachelor party to be very memorable and so we might as well begin discussing it now
Enjolras: What in the world makes you think that I am going to marry Eponine?
Grantaire: Oh, so you're just using her?
Enjolras: Of course not, I-
Grantaire: So, obviously this relationship is serious
Enjolras: I don't want to talk about this!
Grantaire: Oh, embarrassed are we?
Combeferre: Grantaire, Enjolras is-
Enjolras: No, I just don't feel the need to share my intimate relationship with the whole world!
Grantaire: Ah, intimate is it?
Enjolras: Be quiet!
Combeferre: Yes, we would do well to move on.
Courfeyrac: Then what are we going to do?
Joly: I don't know!
Enjolras: Perhaps the females have finished their activities?
Marius: No, Cosette will come down when they're done, we don't like to be apart.
Javert: (mockingly dumbfounded) No!
Marius: (Not noting the sarcasm) No, really, I'm not even kidding!
Enjolras: Well, at least they shouldn't be too much longer.
Grantaire: Then on to the planning of the bachelor party!
Enjolras: Even if I were to be getting married, I would not want a bachelor party!
Grantaire: That's a lie and we all know it!
Enjolras: I speak the truth!
Grantaire: But, I know people who have gotten married for the bachelor party!
Enjolras: Well, I am not one of those people.
Grantaire: Well, then it will just have to be a surprise bachelor party.
Enjolras: You wouldn't dare!
Grantaire: Oh, wouldn't I?
Enjolras: Okay, now I'm scared
Jehan: Me too!
Marius: Isn't Cosette done yet? I miss her!
Valjean: You would, you stalker.
Marius: What did you say new-daddy?
Valjean: Well, it just always rubbed me the wrong way that you watched my daughter every day in the park and then followed her home. You looked at her in the garden without her knowing, and listened to her sing, and who knows what else, even after we moved to get away from you!
Marius: But I was in love!
Valjean: Still, you had problems.
Marius: Did not!
Javert: I should arrest you for stalking
Marius: Stalking my new wife?
Enjolras: Marius is not a stalker, he's just an overly zealous man in love, let us leave it at that.
Javert: I'll be watching you Pontmercy
Marius: (sarcastic) Oh, I'm so scared-Oh wait, I really am scared, can you not be watching me?
Javert: I don't think that could be possible
Marius: Darn!
Cosette: Marius, oh darling, where are you?
Marius: I'm right here darling, the big mean police inspector is threatening me!
Cosette: Oh, poor baby!
Valjean: Is Fantine with you?
Cosette: She's coming, she's just putting the finishing touches on the girls.
Enjolras: What have you done to them?
Cosette: Made them beautiful, of course!
Enjolras: Not that Eponine needed any help, but why did you do it at night?
Cosette: Oh, you mean because it will just get messed up?
Enjolras: Yes.
Cosette: Well, this is a sleepover and that's what girls do!
Grantaire: I see, Cosette: Perpetuator of Female Stereotypes
Marius: Is not!!! Take that back Grantaire or I swear I'll-
Grantaire: Oh, just try to beat me up
Marius: Then I'll have Enjolras do it. I'm sure he's just waiting for a reason to punch you.
Enjolras: Well, I wouldn't go quite that far. At least he died for what he believed in at the end.
Marius: It's not my fault Supergramps had to come and save me!
Valjean: Hey!
Javert: Haha, supergramps, ha!
Valjean: I did it for my daughter, not for you stalker!
Marius: Am not!
Cosette: Daddy, what are you talking about?
Valjean: Nothing dear, just make sure you lock your doors at night
Cosette: Okay daddy.
Fantine: Come see the beauties!!!
Eponine: I don't want to go-
Fantine: ::pulling her into the basement, while Eponine tries to hold on to the door:: No. You. Have. To. Go!
Eponine: No, don't make me!!!
Fantine: You, have, to! ::she succeeds in getting Eponine into the basement.::
Eponine: (with hair highlighted, eyebrows shaped, eye makeup, lipstick, blush, curled hair, manicured nails, etc.) Lousy, stinking ::grumble, grumble::
Enjolras: Eponine, you-
Eponine: Not one word Enjolras, not one lousy stinking word!
Enjolras: You look beautiful
Eponine: I look like a prostitute.
Enjolras: Now Eponine, it's true that you did look beautiful before, extremely beautiful, but there is nothing wrong with this beauty.
Eponine: Ugh, I feel like Cosette!
Cosette: Oh, you're almost as pretty as me Eponine, maybe, one day, with practice
Eponine: Oy vai.
Cosette: So what were you manly men doing while we were gone?
Grantaire: Planning Enjolras's bach- ::he is silenced by an elbow to his stomach::
Cosette: What was that?
Enjolras: Nothing, nothing.
Eponine: You know what? I'm really in the mood for some ice-cream.
Enjolras: That sounds like a splendid idea.
Gavroche: Oh, and I know where the insane writer lady stashes all of her good ice-cream
After much eating of ice-cream
Javert: ::finishing his Chunky-Monkey:: Okay, you know what? This chapter is just dragging on and on. I, as Chief Police Inspector, declare this chapter over, who's with me?
All: We are!
Javert: Then I declare this chapter over
Enjolras: Finally!
he Next Morning
Me: (annoyingly perky) Did we all have a nice rest last night?
Javert: ::rubbing his eyes:: It's too blasted early, go away.
Me: Oh, did you all have a late night?
Valjean: Well-
Me: Because when I woke up there were fourteen messages on my answering machine complaining about the noise level of all my 'loud, obnoxious friends'!
Javert: We're hardly friends…
Me: Oh shut up Javert. If I get grounded because of you I swear-
Javert: Oh, you'll beat us up?
Me: The next thing you'll perform will be Teletubbies.
Javert: Ah, no!!!
Me: Yeah! But, I had a wonderful night's sleep so I'll leave you be. Okay, who's up for breakfast?
All: Me!
Me: Then I'll make pancakes!
Javert: And the gamin can check to make sure they're not poisoned.
Marius: She should make French toast. Get it, French toast!
Javert: I'm going to shove this eggbeater down his throat.
Marius: Get it? French!
Javert: Insolent little-
Enjolras: Javert, it's early calm yourself.
Javert: ::grumble, grumble::
Eponine: I'll get the orange juice
Marius: Get it? FRENCH?!
Cosette: I'll set the table
Valjean: I'll get the bread
Javert: Oh, Valjean, too easy, too easy…
Valjean: I meant for toasting and the such, and out of the breadbox, I wasn't going to steal it!
Javert: Sure you weren't…
Valjean: Argh!
Combeferre: We should go find some folding chairs, there are a lot of us.
Courfeyrac: Good idea.
Javert: And Valjean will get the bread, ha!
Marius: French!!!
After a very good and filling breakfast
Me: Now back to work!
All: No!
Me: Yes!!!
All: Doh!
Me: Okay, so we finished with 'A Heart Full of Love'
Eponine: Thank goodness
Me: So, onto the Attack on Rue Plumet
Eponine: Oh, that was like my only cool song! Bimbette has no cool songs!
Cosette: You're right about that, I have like the fewest lines in the play
Me: Just do it
Cosette (as Eponine): 'Parnasse, what are you doing
So far out of our patch? A patch? Like a garden patch? Cause we have one of those!
Grantaire (as Montparnasse):
This house, we're going to do it…
…Perhaps a fortune put away!
Cosette (as Eponine): Oh Lord, somebody help me! Why?
Dear God, what'll I do? Wait, I don't get what's happening!
He'll think this is an ambush Oh, I get it
He'll think I'm in it too! You probably were.
What'll I do, what'll I say? I don't care
I've got to warn them here Them? Oh, Marius, that's us!
I've got to find a way. Still not caring…
[Thenardier arrives with the rest of his gang. He notices Cosette (as Eponine) but doesn't recognize her.]
Brujon: What have we here?
Thenardier: Who is this hussy?
Cosette: I am not a hussy! Daddy, he called me a hussy!!!
Babet: It's your brat Eponine
Cosette: I am not a brat either!!!
Babet: Don't you know your own kid Why's she hanging about you?
Thenardier: 'Ponine, get on home You're not needed in this We're enough here without you
Cosette (as Eponine): I know this house You brought Marius here!
I tell you there's nothing here for you Actually, we were rich
Just the old man and the girl You're not old daddy
They live ordinary lives Not quite ordinary
Thenardier: Don't interfere
You've got some gall
Take care, young miss,
You've got a lot to say!
Brujon: She's going soft
Cosette: Marius says that my skin is silky and soft, does that count?
Claquesous: Happens to all
Grantaire (as Montparnasse):
Go home, 'Ponine,
Go home, you're in the way
Cosette (as Eponine): I'm gonna scream, I'm gonna warn them here…
[She screams.]
Well I told you I'd do it, told you I'd do it...
Marius: You scream so well Cosette
Cosette: Thank you Marius!
Enjolras (as Marius): It was your cry sent them away Darn you
Once more 'Ponine saving the day I was talking to Eponine!
Dearest Cosette, my friend 'Ponine is whom I'd rather be talking to!
Brought me to you, showed me the way! Argh!
Someone is near
Let's not be seen
Somebody's heeeeeaaaaaaaaeeeere...
Cosette: Oh, I love that note!
Marius: Hey!
Cosette: I meant when you sing it!!!
Marius: ::grumble, grumble::
[Enjolras (as Marius) leaves quickly as Javert (as Valjean) enters.]
Javert (as Valjean): My God, Cosette you're so annoying!
I heard a cry in the dark You scream like a dying cat
I heard the shout of angry voices in the street. Yelling at you to shut up
Eponine (as Cosette): That was my cry you heard, Papa. I really am annoying
I was afraid of what they'd do. To make me shut up
They ran away when they heard my cry Because it sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
Javert (as Valjean): Cosette, my child, what will become of you? Will you survive when you're soooo annoying?
Eponine (as Cosette): Three men I saw beyond the wall I asked them if they wanted to see our garden.
Three men in shadow moving fast to escape my screeching
Javert (as Valjean): This is a warning to us all to put a muzzle on you
These are the shadows of the past telling me I shouldn't have adopted a scruffy orphan!
Must be Javert! Did you think you could ever escape me?
He's found my cover at last! Was there ever any doubt?
I've got to get Cosette away Fat chance
Before they return! Oh, (in best Terminator voice) I'll be back!
We must get away from shadows Oh, I'm real Valjean.
They will never let us be You're the one who broke the law
Tomorrow to Calais I'll follow you there
Then a ship across the sea! I'll be there too!
Hurry, Cosette, prepare to leave and say no more ever, you're soooo annoying
Tomorrow we'll away! I'll find you
Hurry, Cosette, it's time to close another door I've got the key
Valjean: What?
Javert: Get it? I'm like the jailer? Oh, forget it.
And live another day! 'On Your Own', right Valjean?
Eponine: Hey man, you can't make fun of my song!
Javert: Yeah? What are you going to do about it?
Eponine: Beat you up, down, and all around!
Javert: Whatever
Me: People, please, this is like the best song in the musical, please, do it right!
Javert (as Valjean): One day more, before I go completely blind
Another day, another destiny, Like mayor, RIGHT Valjean?!
This never ending road to Calvary; and Toulon prison
These men who seem to know my crime Of course they know you're crime, you're on all the milk cartons!
Will surely come a second time, And a third and a fourth
One day more... Till I have to get a hip replacement
Enjolras (as Marius): I did not live until today,
How can I live when we are parted? Good question…
Javert (as Valjean): One day more... before I have to get a cane
Enjolras (as Marius)
& Eponine (as Cosette): Tomorrow you'll be worlds away, And hopefully the writer lady will be too
And yet with you, my world has started. Blech!
Cosette (as Eponine): One more day all on my own Keep your filthy hands off my Marius!
Enjolras (as Marius) & Eponine (as Cosette): Will we ever meet again? Ewww, you can keep him and his poofy hair!
Cosette (as Eponine): One more day with him not caring You got that right slore!
Enjolras (as Marius) & Eponine (as Cosette): I was born to be with you. Oh, I'll show you a slore!
Cosette (as Eponine): What a life I might have known I do know it, ha!
Enjolras (as Marius) & Eponine (as Cosette): And I swear I will be true! And I pity you because of it.
Cosette (as Eponine): But he never saw me there... because you were short and dirty and-
Javert (as Valjean): …One day more! Before I need a hearing aid!
Valjean (as Javert): One more day till revolution, Stop making old jokes about me!
We will nip it in the bud! Do you really talk like this weirdo?
I will join these little schoolboys, and get caught
They will wet themselves with blood! Ewwww…
Javert (as Valjean): One day more! Till all my hair falls out
…Tomorrow we'll be far away, Tsk, tsk, running?
Tomorrow is the judgment day Yes, yours, buahahaha!
All: Tomorrow we'll discover
[The curtain falls.]
What our God in Heaven has in store!
One more dawn
One more day
One day more!
Grantaire: FINALLY!
Me: That was pretty great guys, though I could have done without all the biting side remarks.
Javert: So sorry about that…
Me: Shut up!
Cosette: Marius, Enjolras is leering at me, make him stop!
Enjolras: What? I am doing no such thing-
Marius: I know you love my wife Enjolras, but I must insist that you keep your eyes and your hands to yourself.
Enjolras: My hands?! What the devil are you talking about?
Eponine: (whispering) Forget 'truth or dare' already?
Enjolras: (a faint pink coming to his cheeks) Oh, merde…
Eponine: I guess she didn't forget after all
Enjolras: Eponine, you'll pay for this!
Eponine: You're going to hit a girl?
Enjolras: Never! But I am not against tickling one!
Eponine: Enjolras, no, don't tickle me!
Enjolras: ::advancing menacingly:: You brought this on yourself Eponine.
Eponine: No, think about gentlemanly things, like cravats and um,-
Enjolras: Too late Ponine
Eponine: No!
Enjolras: Yes! ::Enjolras proceeds to pin her to the couch in tickling hysterics as she tries to do the same to him::
Javert: Now that is disgusting…
Marius: I know!
Javert: Oh, like you can talk poofy hair!
Courfeyrac: Why doesn't he just marry her already?
Grantaire: Bachelor party!
Combeferre: Oh, like you would get married after knowing someone for such a brief time?
Courfeyrac: Well, then why doesn't he make her his mistress, and then, eventually, marry her?
Grantaire: Because he has morals, remember?
Courfeyrac: Oh, yeah…
Eponine: ::still in the tickling war:: Surrender!
Enjolras: Never! The barricade must not fall!
Gavroche: ::sticking his finger down his throat:: Blech!
Valjean: Okay, I'm going to lose those 'pancakes' we just ate.
Fantine: Oh, hush, it's cute
Javert: And not as disgusting as some people are
Marius: I think he's talking about us sweeting
Cosette: I think you're right pookybear
Enjolras: ::getting the upper hand in the war:: Say that Enjolras is the greatest leader of the insurrection ever
Eponine: Enjolras is the greatest leader of the insurrection ever!
Enjolras: And say that Eponine bows down before Enjolras and all his greatness
Eponine: Eponine bows down before Enjolras and all his greatness
Enjolras: Now say that-
Marius: Just stop the charade Enjolras, we all know you love Cosette!
Enjolras: ::stopping his tickling momentarily to stare at Marius blankly, as does Eponine and pretty much everybody else.:: Wha-
Me: Did I miss something?
Eponine: ::taking advantage of the pause in tickling to get the upper hand with Enjolras.:: Just me defeating the 'great revolutionary leader'!!!
Enjolras: No!
Eponine: Now how does it feel to be on the bottom?
Enjolras: Ah, stop, let me up!
Eponine: Say that Eponine is the most beautiful girl in the whole world.
Enjolras: Ah, Eponine is the, stop it, most beautiful girl in the whole world
Eponine: And she's much prettier than Cosette.
Enjolras: She is oh so much prettier than Cosette.
Cosette: Um, hey!
Eponine: And you wish that you could marry her but you know that you never can because she is sooo much smarter and better than you are so you must just live in solitude for the rest of your life wishing that you could be with your one true love Eponine!
Enjolras: Can you run that by me again?
Eponine: Enjolras!
Enjolras: I'm kidding, please, just let me up! I can't breathe!
Cosette: They're both in denial
Marius: That's a river in-
Javert: I WILL DESTROY YOU PONTMERCY, ARGH!!!!!
Enjolras: Ah, who has the upper hand now Eponine?
Eponine: Argh!
Courfeyrac: Uh oh, I see it coming
Combeferre: We should have known
Grantaire: Cover Gavroche's eyes
Feuilly: This really isn't all that surprising
Jehan: It was so obvious
Joly: Sooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Yes, of course, somehow, Eponine and Enjolras wind up kissing. I mean, that's where tickling always leads, isn't it?
Gavroche: Okay, now that is really, really gross!!!
Marius: You guys, we all know that Eponine loves me and Enjolras loves Cosette. You guys are just kidding yourselves. Just stop so we can have an adult conversation about this. ::they don't stop:: Um, Enjolras, Eponine? ::poking them:: Hey!
Enjolras: (obviously agitated) What?!
Eponine: Marius!
Marius: I'm just trying to spare you from making a big mistake.
Eponine: We were in the middle of something Marius!
Me: You were making out on my couch!
Enjolras: It was not making out!
Eponine: We were just having an innocent kiss!
Enjolras: Who knows what Marius and Cosette were doing in your guest bed?
Me: Eww, ugh, please, stop, no, horrible mental picture, stop, AHHHHHHH!
Grantaire: Eponine and Enjolras sitting on a couch, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!
Enjolras: Grantaire!
Me: People, please!
Enjolras: Marius, I am going to say this very slowly and carefully so that you understand! I do not love Cosette. Eponine does not love you! ::glancing at Eponine with a little hesitation:: Right?
Eponine: (taking less than a moment to decide) Right
Enjolras: (smiling, relieved) Right!
Marius: ::cou-denial-gh::
Enjolras: You are so dense!!!
Marius: Whatever…
Me: Next song please.
Grantaire: Don't we deserve a break, we deserve a 15-minute intermission!!!
Me: Not really
Grantaire: But-
Valjean: We did finish half of the play…
Me: Don't you start!
Javert: Short break?
Me: Argh, fine, do you pigs want brunch?
Courfeyrac: I want cantaloupe!
Me: Okay, I'll just get cantaloupe.
Marius: Enjolras and Eponine 'Can't elope'! Get it? Cantaloupe? Ha!!!
Javert: Someone kill me now!
Thenardier: If you insist…
Javert: Figure of speech, figure of speech!
Marius: Hey Eponine, what's up today? I haven't seen you much about-
Eponine: Cut the corniness, ugh, I can't believe I ever liked you!
Marius: Cantaloupe, ha!
Eponine: Oy.
After much eating of cantaloupe
Me: Now back to work!
[Marius (as Enjolras) is addressing the revolutionaries.]
Marius (as Enjolras): Here upon these stones
Oooh, pretty rocks
We will build our barricade Oh, now it's our barricade
In the heart of the city A heart full of love
We claim as our own! And I name it Cosetteville!
Each man to his duty
And don't be afraid. ::cou-Jehan-gh::
Wait! I will need a report on dinosaurs for my teacher by Monday!
On the strength of the foe. What's a foe?
Valjean (as Javert): [disguised as a rebel]
I can find out the truth No, don't listen to me!
I know their ways Cause I'm one of them!
Fought their wars with them!
Served my time And it was a loooooong time
In the days
Of my youth! Yeah, I was in the war against the dinosaurs.
Me: What is with the dinosaurs?
Javert: The boy and 24601 have probably been watching too much Barney.
Me: Doesn't it get annoying saying '24601' all the time? That's like ::counting on fingers:: five syllables! You should call him something else!
Javert: That's the one non-brainless idea you've come up with since I first entered your tortured mind.
Me: Thank you, thank you…
Javert: So, 24601, what should I call you?
Marius: (Apparently on stupid-pills, mocking Javert) So what should I call you now 24601, if that is your real name? Hahahahaha!!!
Javert: Someone put him out of his misery
Montparnasse: Gladly
Cosette: You stay away from my huggybear you-, you-, you hooligan!
Montparnasse: Oh, I'm so offended…
Javert: That's it, from now on I will call you-
Valjean: How about you call me Jean Valjean?
Javert: Never! I'm going to call you something really stupid!
Eponine: How bout Cosette?
Javert: No, worse, (insert dramatic pause here) Furby!!!
Valjean: Have you gone insane? You're going to call me Furby?!
Javert: Yes Furby, I am!
Me: Okay, anyway…
Valjean: Oh, darn, I lost count, what was it?
Me: Oh shut up Furby!
Valjean: Not you too!
Me: People, get on with this!
[Enjolras (as Marius) spots Cosette (as Eponine), who is dressed as a boy.]
Enjolras (as Marius): Hey little boy, what's this I see?
God Eponine, the things you do! Oh, it's you again Cosette.
Cosette (as Eponine): I know this is no place for me Oh, stop leering
Still I would rather be with you. Ha, not!
Enjolras (as Marius): Get out before the trouble starts Just plain get out of here!
Get out, 'Ponine, you might get shot If only it had been you to get shot Cosette.
Cosette (as Eponine): I got you worried, now I have
That shows you like me quite a lot I said stop leering at me!
Enjolras (as Marius): There is a way that you can help Yeah, shut up!
[She walks to the Rue Plumet...]
You are the answer to a prayer for something annoying
Please take this letter to Cosette And beat yourself with it
And pray to God that she's still there!
Cosette (as Eponine): Little you know...
Little you care! Actually, I think you care a little too much
[...where she meets Javert (as Valjean).]
I have a letter M'sieur
It's addressed to your daughter Cosette Me!
It's from a boy at the barricade, Sir who won't stop gawking at me!
In the Rue de Villette.
Javert (as Valjean): Give me that letter here, my boy Shut up!
Cosette (as Eponine): He said to give it to Cosette Punk police inspector
Javert (as Valjean): You have my word that my daughter will know how to sing one day
[He gives her a coin.]
Tell the young man she will read it tomorrow
What this letter contains.
And here's for your pains Your pains? How about my pains for having to listen to you?!!
Go careful now, stay out of sight Yeah, you're ugly
There's danger in the streets tonight. Why don't you get caught in the middle of it?
Valjean: If Javert doesn't stop making fun of my daughter I'm going to have to get physical.
Fantine: ::raising her eyebrows:: Really Jean? Get physical?
Javert (as Valjean): [He opens the letter... and reads it.]
"Dearest Cosette, you have entered my soul Blech!
And soon you will be gone. With any luck that is
Can it be only a day since we met Actually, in the book you knew each other for quite a long time.
And the world was reborn? Wait, you mean the world had died?
If I should fall in the battle to come we'd all be lucky
Let this be my goodbye Finally!
Now that I know you love me as well I'm surprised
It is harder to die... My skull is too thick for bullets to get through
I pray that god will bring me home
To be with you. In a blissful state of idiocy
Pray for your Marius, he prays for you!" to learn how to sing
[Javert (as Valjean) goes in, leaving Cosette (as Eponine) alone.]
Eponine: No, no, no, no, NO!!!! Cosette can't have my song!!!
Cosette (as Eponine): And now I'm all alone again Yeah, that's nothing new
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to especially Marius.
Without a home without a friend Hm, I wonder why
Without a face to say hello to shouldn't that be 'bonjour'?
And now the night is near
I can make believe he's here You had better not be referring to my Marius!
Eponine: Please, if you have any compassion, don't let her sing my song!
Me: Cosette, seeing as this is many people's favorite song, no side comments, I'll even let you make fun of A Little Fall of Rain, but leave this song alone.
Cosette: Fine. ::she sings the song without making fun of it at all::
Marius: Oh, Cosette, that was such a nice thing you did!
Cosette: Everyone always seems to forget that I am the nice one! I had so many good things I could say, like after And I can live inside my head I could have said 'At least something is in your head', you know, as if she had no brain.
Eponine: Why I oughtta-
Cosette: And at I'm talking to myself and not to him, I had this great crack about crazy people! Oh and at the part where she says-
Me: That's quite enough Cosette, thank you for not saying any of those things
Cosette: You're welcome.
Me: Okay, students sing Upon These Stones!
Students:
Now we pledge ourselves to hold this barricade…
…Let them come if they dare
We'll be there!
Army Officer [Offstage]: You at the barricade listen to this
Marius: What, are they playing music or something?
No one is coming to help you to fight
Marius: No one? Awww, man!
You're on your own
Eponine: On my own…
You have no friends
Cosette: No sir, you must be thinking of Eponine. She has no friends!
Eponine: Prissy little-
Give up your guns - or die!
Marius: Is that a threat? I can't believe you're threatening us like that!
Marius (as Enjolras): Damn their warnings, damn their lies Enjolras, the profanity!
They will see the people rise! Like bread?
Students: Damn their warnings, damn their lies
Marius: Wow, I can't believe you all use such profanity.
Students: They will see the people rise! No, not like bread Marius!
[Valjean (as Javert) climbs over the barricade.]
Valjean (as Javert): Listen my friends I'm going to sing with a really deep voice
I have done as I said Which was what exactly?
I have been to their lines And they're long, I got sick of waiting…
I have counted each man Yeah, I ran out of fingers and they all looked at me funny when I took off my shoes
I will tell what I can but my Alzheimer's is starting to act up, so ask quickly
Better be warned that my feet really stink
They have armies to spare and leggies, haha
And the danger is real unless those are toy guns, but they looked pretty real to me, and that canon, oy!
We will need all our cunning Um, I don't have any, how bout you?
To bring them to heel. Heel, foot, feet,…I wonder if their feet stink too?
Marius (as Enjolras): Have faith Oh, now he starts preaching on religion…
If you know what their movements are we can win at chess
We'll spoil their game King me!
There are ways that a people can fight Well, yeah, they're people too aren't they? Wait, don't tell me we're fighting some freaky alien race?!
We shall overcome their power Ah, I hope they don't have lasers!
Valjean (as Javert): I have overheard their plans Barely, hearing-aid and all
There will be no attack tonight
Jehan: Good, I'm scared of the dark
Valjean (as Javert): They intend to starve us out And no, I am not going to go steal some bread for us, so just shut up now Javert!
Before they start a proper fight Oh yes, none of that improper fighting.
Concentrate their force Like orange juice…
Marius: ::laughs::
Hit us from the right. Or the left, let's see index finger and thumb make an L, so that's left, oops…
Gavroche: Liar!
Good evening, dear inspector…
…So you'd better run for cover
When the pup grows up!
Me: Oh my goodness, you are the most adorable thing I have ever seen! Please, please let me pinch your cheeks! Oh, sooo cute!
Gavroche: Stay away from me woman!
Me: Oh, I want to hug you!!! Come here!!!
Gavroche: Ah, Javert, she's harassing me! Make her leave me alone!
Javert: You are not my problem gamin
Valjean: Can we get on with this?
Montparnasse (as Grantaire): Bravo, little Gavroche, you're the top of the class!
Jehan: So what are we going to do
With this snake in the grass? Ah, a snake, save me!!!
Valjean (as Javert): Shoot me now or shoot me later or not at all, that's fine you know…
Every schoolboy to his sport I personally like cricket
Death to each and every traitor Oh, harsh
I renounce your people's court! Oh, dissed!
Combeferre: Though we may not all survive here I hope we don't get voted off
There are things that never die Um, surely not us though…
Montparnasse (as Grantaire): What's the difference? Die a schoolboy Wasted life in my opinion
Die a policeman die a spy! Die spy, die!!!
Marius (as Enjolras): Take this man, bring him through
There is work we have to do! This revolution isn't over yet? Man!
[Valjean (as Javert) is bundled away as the first shots ring out. Cosette (as Eponine) enters, wounded.]
Joly: There's a boy climbing the barricade! Actually, it looks more like a girl trying to climb the barricade. You need some help Cosette?
Cosette: (struggling to climb barricade) No, I'm good, oops! ::she slips, falls:: I'm fine, I'm good, really, thanks for caring.
Enjolras: Can we just do this scene? I'm not too keen on this whole 'kissing you at the end' thing.
Cosette: Oh, you know you've been waiting the whole musical for this chance pervert!
Enjolras: Yeah, sure…
Me: People!
Cosette: ::climbing the barricade, with much assistance from various amis:: Oof!
Enjolras (as Marius): Good God! What are you doing? Wow, you really couldn't climb a six foot barricade?
'Ponine, have you no fear? Or stamina, my goodness, it's only six feet!
Have you seen my beloved? No, I don't mean you, and no, I am not a pervert
Why have you come back here? Yeah, come on, will you just leave, my goodness, you're like a bad rash.
Cosette (as Eponine): Took the letter like you said You're cruel, making me climb the barricade like that, I'm a lady!
I met her father at the door He was uglier than my real father
He said he would give it I don't trust him though, I mean, can you really trust anybody with such sideburns?
[She collapses]
Don't think I can stand any more. Wow, yeah, let me rest, that barricade was high…
Enjolras (as Marius): Eponine, what's wrong? I feel... sick, you look terrible
There's something wet upon your hair Eww, are you sweating?
[There is blood on his hands]
Eponine, you're hurt You should try some cardiovascular or something
You need some help! A good personal trainer maybe
Oh God, it's everywhere.... Yeah, gyms, springing up in every strip mall
Cosette (as Eponine): Don't you fret, M'sieur Marius M'sieur Marius? How dare you speak to my husband the baron so informally, I think we should all gasp!
I don't feel any pain My body is too full of lactic acid
A little fall of rain will ruin my new perm!
Can hardly hurt me now well, if it were acid rain…
You're here, that's all I need to know Marius, how come I was never told of this little tête-à-tête?
And you will keep me safe from Enjolras's leering, oh wait, that's right, you're the one who is leering at me, pervert!
And you will keep me close Slore, you use every opportunity, don't you?
And rain will make the flowers grow. Yeah, that's what rain usually does…
Enjolras (as Marius): But you will live, 'Ponine - dear God above... just let her die already, she's getting me bloody!
Cosette: Shut up!
Enjolras (as Marius): If I could close your wounds with words of love... I would speak none to you Cosette.
Cosette (as Eponine): Just hold me now, and let it be. Keep your grubby hands off of me!
Shelter me, comfort me... Oh, I'm watching your hands dirtbag!
Enjolras (as Marius): You would live really far away, if I had my way
A hundred years after I had died
If I could show you how to pack, would you leave faster?
I won't desert you now... Actually, I do have a prior engagement, I didn't realize how long this would take…
Cosette (as Eponine): The rain can't hurt me now I wonder what the acid content is?
This rain will wash away what's past Well, at least it's refreshing me from that grueling climb
And you will keep me safe No…
And you will keep me close No…
I'll sleep in your embrace at last Whoa, so definitely NO!!!
The rain that brings you here
Is Heaven-blessed! Oh yes, murdering bullets, definitely blessed by heaven…
The skies begin to clear Ow, sun, burning my eyes!
And I'm at rest So sleepy ::snores::
A breath away from where you are First a whisper away, now a breath, why is there no real unit of measure? Not a foot, not an inch, a breath! Poetic license my butt!
I've come home from so far probably a bad idea though…
So don't you fret, M'sieur Marius Msr le Baron to you!
I don't feel any pain
Enjolras: Aw, that's a shame…
Cosette (as Eponine): ::makes face at him and continues::
A little fall of rain is ruining my perm!!!
Can hardly hurt me now Acid…
That's all I need to know What? Oh, counterpoint…
And you will keep me safe No
And you will keep me close No
And rain acid, acid, acid, acid…
Will make the flowers... Why does no one ever finish their songs when they die? I think she was holding back, if she really tried she could have said grow, she's such a ham!
Enjolras (as Marius): [in counterpoint]
Hush-a-bye, dear Eponine Hush a bye? What the-?
You won't feel any pain Oh, so being shot doesn't hurt, good to know
A little fall of rain collected in a bowl
Can hardly hurt you now unless I pour it down your throat
I'm here for three more minutes, that's all I'm contracted for
I will stay with you for two minutes and 50 seconds
Till you are sleeping unless it takes more than 2 minutes and 40 seconds
And rain why not? Acid, acid, acid, acid!
Will make the flowers... Oh look, I'm actually going to finish my part!
Grow. Ah, anticlimactic really…
[She dies. Enjolras (as Marius) kisses her, then lays her on the ground.]
Enjolras: Yeah, that whole 'kisses her' part. I don't really feel that is necessary for my character.
Marius: No, it shows what a darn nice guy I am!
Enjolras: I'm not going to kiss that woman that you call a wife!
Marius: What if I called her a husband? Hahahaha!!!
Enjolras: Yeah…
Me: Come on, a little peck on the forehead isn't going to hurt you!
Enjolras: ::grumble, grumble:: I hate you ::he kisses her hurriedly on the forehead, grimaces, and then drops her to the ground unceremoniously::
Cosette: Ow!
Marius (as Enjolras): She is the first to fall you dropped her on her head!
The first of us to fall upon this barricade I'm so proud that she was able to climb it ::beams::
Enjolras (as Marius): Her name was Eponine No, it was Cosette
Her life was cold and dark, yet she was unafraid… And her head was clammy and left a bad aftertaste
[Javert (as Valjean) arrives, dressed as a soldier.]
Joly: …You've got some years behind you sir.
Javert (as Valjean): Oh, I can't pass up this opportunity for an old joke! Man, they told him he was old right to his face! Dissed! There's much that I can do. As long as it only includes rocking in a chair and smoking a pipe
Joly: You see that prisoner over there?
Javert: No, these cataracts, it's hard
Valjean: I'm not that much older than you! Your hair is just as gray as mine!
Javert: Nope, you are really old
Montparnasse (as Grantaire): A volunteer like you! Volunteer work always gets you into trouble…
Combeferre: A spy who calls himself Javert!
Javert: You act as if it isn't my name!
Montparnasse (as Grantaire): He's going to get it too... Oh, I like the sound of that ::grins maliciously::
Sentry: They're getting ready to attack!
[Marius (as Enjolras) gives Javert (as Valjean) a gun.]
Marius (as Enjolras): Take this and use it well! You do know how to use a gun right? Because otherwise, by law I shouldn't really give it to you.
But if you shoot us in the back, it'll hurt, don't do that!
You'll never live to tell. My, the threats Enjolras!
Random Voices: (gotta love those guys)
Platoon of sappers advancing toward the barricade!
Troops behind them, fifty men or more!
Marius (as Enjolras): FIRE! Ah, where? 911, 911!!!
[Gunfire is heard.]
Javert: No duh…
Feuilly: Sniper!
::silence, all look at Javert expectantly::
Javert: Oh, my line? I was just waiting for the snide side comment
All: Oh…
[Javert (as Valjean) shoots a sniper who is aiming at Marius (as Enjolras).]
Lesgles: See how they run away!
Javert: Aw, that's not very nice making fun of Furby's cataracts like that! You know he can't see!
Valjean: My name is not Furby!
Marius: ::bursts out laughing:: Furby, I get it, hahaha!
Montparnasse (as Grantaire): By God we've won the day! Yeah, a little premature on that eh?
Marius (as Enjolras): They will be back again, Man, make them go away!
Make an attack again. This stinks!
[To Javert (as Valjean).]
For your presence of mind
Javert: Oh, too easy
For the deed you have done What deed?
I will thank you M'sieur I don't get it…
When our battle is won. Ha, he knew he was going to die! That's like when you know you're going to die so you make lots of promises and buy expensive things cause you know you won't have to worry about it, because you're going to die!!!!
Enjolras: Thank you so much for that…
Javert (as Valjean): Give me no thanks M'sieur
There is something that you can do. Push around my wheelchair!
Marius (as Enjolras): If it is in my power... Ah, it doesn't matter, he's going to die!!!
Javert (as Valjean): Give me the spy Javert I am not some trophy, and I am not given to anyone!
Let me take care of him Aw, that's nice, but you really should be the one getting taken care of, a nice retirement home perhaps?
Valjean (as Javert): The law is inside out so is your jacket, ha, made you look! The world is upside down
Javert: Only when you don't have your glasses on Furby!
Marius (as Enjolras): Do what you have to do, Oh no! My daddy-in-law!
The man belongs to you. Wow, I wish I owned someone like that!
Enjolras: Not one word Eponine!
Eponine: But-
Enjolras: No
Eponine: Hrumph!
Marius (as Enjolras): The enemy may be regrouping. Hold yourself in readiness. Come my friends, back to your positions. The night is falling fast... Yeah, that whole statement? Kind of bossy. And not very reassuring. All in all, 6.7 on the PepTalkOMeter
Enjolras: Yeah…
[Javert (as Valjean) has taken Valjean (as Javert) away.]
Javert (as Valjean): We meet again. Wow, you remember? Must be one of your good days grandpa!
Valjean (as Javert): You've hungered for this all your life; Look, I'm nice, I could make a fat joke about this and I'm not going to!
[Javert (as Valjean) cuts the ropes which bind Valjean (as Javert).]
Take your revenge!
How right you should kill with a knife!
Javert (as Valjean): You talk too much, and no one understands what you say, must be the dentures.
Your life is safe in my hands. Yeah, they don't tremble like yours.
Valjean (as Javert): I don't understand why you are so mean to me!
Javert (as Valjean): Get out of here. You really don't know?
Valjean (as Javert): Valjean take care,
I'm warning you... No, I really don't!
Javert (as Valjean): Clear out of here. Must be that loss of brain capacity.
Valjean (as Javert): Once a thief, forever a thief Man, you never learn do you?
What you want you always steal! One lousy loaf of bread!
You would trade your life for mine. No, but I'd buy it for 2.99
Yes, Valjean you want a deal. Let's Make A Deal!
Shoot me now for all I care! Actually, you don't really have to
If you let me go beware. Of deer crossings
You'll still answer to Javert Stop talking in the third person you psycho!
Javert (as Valjean): You are wrong, and always have been wrong. No, I am always right! Always! I am never wrong! I am the law and the law is not mocked!
I'm a man, no worse than any man. Except in all of my bodily functions
You are free, and there are no conditions,
No bargains or petitions. That I could hear because I'm deaf!
There's nothing that I blame you for. Man, you think you are sooo nice, don't you?
You've done your duty, nothing more. Yes, my duty's to the law!
If I come out of this alive, you'll find meAlive? I think you'll probably have a heart attack first!
At number fifty-five Rue Plumet Hey, if you double your address you get your age!
No doubt our paths will cross again. You take the high road and I'll take the low road and…
[Javert (as Valjean) fires his gun into the air, Valjean (as Javert) leaves quickly. Muted applause from the students who think Valjean (as Javert) has been shot.]
Javert: Don't applaud over my death you hooligans!
Marius (as Enjolras): Courfeyrac, you take the watch I can't read the time
They won't attack until it's light We could really use a solar eclipse about now…
Everybody stay awake I have to take a nap
We must be ready for the fight What fight?
For the final fight Oh…, that fight
Let no one sleep tonight! But I'm tired!!!
[The defenders settle down for the night with wine and a song.]
Marius (as Enjolras): Marius, rest. Ha, I'm talking to myself, this is amusing
Feuilly: Drink with me
To days gone by…
Enjolras (as Marius): Do I care if I should die
Now she goes across the sea? Wow, can you say lovesick?
Life without Cosette would be nice and quiet
Means nothing at all Yeah, lovesick, definitely…
Would you weep, Cosette, If you ever heard yourself on tape?
Should Marius fall? Why does everyone speak in the third person?!
Will you weep,
Cosette,
For me?
Cosette: Oh yes Marius, I would, I would! ::begins weeping::
[Enjolras (as Marius) settles down to sleep.]
[Javert (as Valjean) is standing over Enjolras (as Marius) at the barricade.]
Javert (as Valjean): God on high
Hear my prayer Hopefully you have better hearing than me
In my need
You have always been there
He is young I am not!
He's afraid he wet his pants!
Let him rest He's sleeping, what more do you want?
Heaven blessed.
Bring him home
Bring him home This line looks familiar
Bring him home. A bit redundant eh?
He's like the son I might have known If I was about 80 years younger
If God had granted me a son. And not that scruffy little urchin I call a daughter
The summers die They die? Wow, depressing
One by one
How soon they fly They fly too? Odd…
On and on
And I am old Ha, you're making fun of yourself! You sure are!
And will be gone. Old, ha!
Bring him peace Oh, I always thought it was peas, I wondered why he would need vegetables.
Bring him joy
He is young I am not!
He is only a boy and I am a very old man!
You can take
You can give
Let him be
Let him live
If I die It will be about time
Let me die
Let him live
Bring him home Uh oh, redundancy alert
Bring him home Oh, I bet I know the next line!
Bring him home. Hey, I was right!
Valjean: You are evil
Javert: No, just mean
Marius (as Enjolras): The people have not stirred oh fudge it!
We are abandoned by those who still live in fear. Darn!
The people have not heard.
Javert: Maybe they're old like Valjean
Yet we will not abandon those who cannot hear. We won't?
Let us not waste lives Good idea!
Let all the women and fathers of children All the women? Man!
Cosette: Marius!
Marius: Sorry…
Cosette: You had better be!
Marius (as Enjolras): How do we stand, Feuilly?
Make your report. Bossy ain't we?
Feuilly: We've guns enough But ammunition short
Enjolras (as Marius): Let me go into the streets
There are bodies all around
Ammunition to be had
Lots of bullets to be found! Well if that isn't the most asinine suggestion I have ever
Marius (as Enjolras):I can't let you go I won't let you go Jack, I'll never let go (I never saw Titanic, sorry if that's a little off)
It's too much of a chance.
Enjolras (as Marius): The same is true
For any man here!
Javert (as Valjean): Let me go
He's no more than a boy And I am very, very old
I am old very, very old
I have nothing to fear because I'm old!
Valjean: Stop it!
Gavroche: You need somebody quicker
And I volunteer!
[Gavroche climbs the barricade.]
Me: Wait, cut, no. I deleted this part from the musical because it is too sad.
Gavroche: What? But my death is cool, I'm young but I'm a fighter! Don't take my brave end away from me!
Me: Fine, but I can't be here when it happens or I'll start crying a lot. Call me when you're done ::leaves::
Gavroche: Well, um, okay. ::they do the scene, I wait outside doing mental casting for my next fanfiction::
Me: ::who has progressed from humming to all out singing:: Lord and Lady Hare, Fighting over there, Darling do beware, She's a-
Gavroche: Okay, we're done, you can come back in now.
Me: Thanks
Gavroche: (under his breath) Weenie
Marius (as Enjolras): Let us die facing our foes How about we don't?
Make them bleed while we can Ew, blood, I think I'm going to be sick…
Combeferre: Make 'em pay through the nose This is my last line in the musical? The nose? This should be Joly's line.
Courfeyrac: Make 'em pay for every man! I get the second to last line, cool!
Marius (as Enjolras): Let others rise
To take our place
Until the earth is free!
Me: Wait, cut. Marius, do you think you could do those lines with a more Warlowesque quality?
Marius: Warlowesque?
Me: Yeah, you know, like Anthony Warlow on the CSR?
Marius: I'll try Let others rise
To take our place
Until the earth is free!
Me: Okay, yeah, that was exactly the same
Marius: SoOoOoOorry, man, you are so picky!
Me: Enjolras, would you be a dear and just do these last three lines? I just can't think of anyone else doing them like you.
Enjolras: That's very nice of you. Sure, why not. Let others riiiiiiiise
To take our place
Untiiiil the earth is free!!!
How was that?
Me: Wonderful! Amazingly happily wonderful!!! Thank you!!!
Enjolras: You're welcome.
Me: But we're going to cut out the part where all of you die, how bout that? Okay with everyone?
Enjolras: Um, no. You kind of have to die to become a martyr.
Me: But I don't want you guys to die! Don't die, please don't die!
Combeferre: Sorry, but we have to do what we have to do.
Feuilly: It's fate
Jehan: No escaping fate
Courfeyrac: We must die
Me: You guys are so brave and wonderful. I love you all!
Javert: Aren't you a little young to be doing that? ::very angry scowling from Me::
Jehan: Oh no, she's sweet.
Javert: She's psychotic.
Me: That is why I love them and I dislike you. A lot.
Enjolras: But we still have to die.
Me: I understand ::begins crying as she types::
[Amidst increasingly heavy gunfire, Enjolras (as Marius) is shot. Marius (as Enjolras) is killed at the summit of the barricade. SOB All at the barricade are killed BOOHOO, except Enjolras (as Marius), who is wounded and unconscious, and Javert (as Valjean). Javert (as Valjean) discovers that Enjolras (as Marius) is still alive and carries him down into the sewers to escape. Valjean (as Javert) climbs over the barricade looking for Javert (as Valjean)'s body. Not finding it, he realizes that Javert (as Valjean) must be in the sewers, so he goes off to where he must emerge.]
Me: Do we even have to do the rest of the musical? All the good characters are dead.
Marius: Hey!
Cosette: Hey!
Javert: Hey!
Me: Yes, like I said, all the good characters are dead
Marius: Um, no.
Me: Fine, Javert does have a cool last song, we can at least do that one.
[As they emerge from the sewer, they meet Valjean (as Javert).]
Javert (as Valjean): It's you, Javert You remembered my name? Amazing!
I knew you wouldn't wait too long If I did you probably would have forgotten that you were hiding from me
The faithful servant at his post once more! You make me sound like a dog!
This man's done no wrong, Yeah, right, he's a revolutionary! Not to mention he never shuts up about his lovey dovey relationship!
Cosette: Aww, I know, that's why I love him!
Javert (as Valjean): And he needs a doctor's care. What he needs is a psychiatrist
Valjean (as Javert): I warned you I would not give in Yeah, big surprise
I won't be swayed Who could move you fatty?
Javert: Well that was uncharacteristic.
Valjean: I know, I'm sorry, I apologize. I'm just depressed about this whole 'committing suicide' thing.
Javert (as Valjean): Another hour yet before I go blind!
And then I'm yours Just don't make me do the Macarena! No, not again, never again!!!
Javert (as Valjean): And all our debts are paid. Yeah, I have this IOU for your soul…
Valjean: So you're the devil now?
Javert: No! I work for God! Remember the Bishop 'I have bought your soul for God'? Anyway, the Bishop lied, he stole your soul, and God wants it back.
Valjean: And I'm the senile one? You have problems Javert, you really, really do
Javert: Ah, you will see Valjean, you will see.
Valjean (as Javert): The man of mercy
Comes again
And talks of justice Yes, I do, so there!
Javert (as Valjean): Come, time is running short Oh, I thought your race was not yet ru-uuuun
Look down, Javert Valjean, if you can even see your feet
He's standing in his grave I'm surprised you are even still standing
Give way, Javert Never!
There is a life to save. Yadda, yadda, yadda
Valjean (as Javert): Take him Valjean, Oh, never eh?
Before I change my mind
I will be waiting What a surprise
24601. Ah, at least it doesn't say 'Furby'
[Javert (as Valjean) carries Enjolras (as Marius) off.]
[Valjean (as Javert) walks the deserted streets until he comes to a bridge over the river Seine.]
Valjean (as Javert): Who is this man? Who am I?
What sort of devil is he? I am not the devil!
To have me caught in a trap Wow, you pretty much called yourself an animal
And choose to let me go free? Freedom is mine, I feel the wind…
…I am reaching, but I fall Hey, look, my soliloquy!
And the stars are black and cold. If it's dark, how do you know that the stars are black? And since they're just big balls of fiery gas, how could they possibly be cold? Where were you during Earth Science?
As I stare into the void Oh, hey, look my line!
Of a world that cannot hold Hold what?
I'll escape now from the world Oh yes, because it is chasing you. You are psychotic, go see a therapist!
From the world of Jean Valjean Cool, I have my own world?
Marius: Is it like DisneyWorld? I like to ride on the Dumbo!
Valjean (as Javert): There is nowhere I can turn No, Javert, look. I'm turning to the left. Now I'm turning to the right. Now I'm doing the twist!
There is no way to go ooooooooooooooonnnnnnnn... So I just stand here and wave my arms and pretend that I fell off the bridge?
Javert: Jumped. Jumped off the bridge.
Valjean: Fine, whatever 'jumped'
[He throws himself into the swollen river.]
Me: Meanwhile, back with people who we don't care about, played by people we do care about…
Cosette: Hey!
[Eponine (as Cosette) arrives to help Enjolras (as Marius) in his recovery.]
Eponine (as Cosette): Don't think about it, Marius. I didn't know he could think. Oh, wait, that was mean. I'm acting out of character again, darn it!
With all the years ahead of us! All the many many years
I will never go away Oh, I pity you Marius, I really do
And we will be together
Every day. Every day, Oh, that sounds like fun, I pity both of them
We'll remember that night
Valjean: Cosette!
Cosette: Daddy! Wait until the next line!
Eponine (as Cosette): And the vow that we made:
Cosette: See!
Valjean: Yeah, it better be just vows!
Eponine (as Cosette): `A heart full of love
A night full of you' Hey, I don't remember that line
The words are old
Javert: And so are you Valjean!
Valjean: Aren't you dead yet?
Eponine (as Cosette): But always true
Oh, God, for shame
You did not even know my name. Yeah 'Cosette' that's a great name
Enjolras (as Marius): Dear Mad'moiselle
I was lost in your spell. Oh, so she's a witch…?
Me: They're starting to annoy me.
[Javert (as Valjean) enters, unnoticed.]
Eponine (as Cosette): A heart full of love
No fear no regret
`My name is Marius Pontmercy' No, your name is Cosette dear.
Enjolras (as Marius): Cosette, Cosette! Look, I remembered your name, I'm so smart!
Eponine (as Cosette): I saw you waiting and I knew. Knew what? That you were a crazed stalker?
Valjean: Exactly! That's what I was saying!
Enjolras (as Marius): Waiting for you
At your feet Oh, so now he's a dog
Eponine (as Cosette): At your call Oh, they're both dogs
Both: And it wasn't a dream
Not a dream
After all
Javert (as Valjean): (interjections)
She was never mine to keep Who would want her
She is youthful Not like Valjean, hehe
She is free. To bask in her stupidity
Love is the garden of the young What? And I'm the senile one?
Let it be
Let it be Furby, you already said this line
A heart full of love
This I give you
On this day. Would you like that heart full of love gift-wrapped? Ha!
[They notice Javert (as Valjean).]
Enjolras (as Marius): M'sieur, this is a day
I can never forget
Is gratitude enough
For giving me Cosette?
Javert: I wish you had taken the scruffy orphan years ago
Enjolras (as Marius): Your home shall be with us
And not a day shall pass
But we will prove our love
To you, whom we shall call
A father to us both
A father to us all.
Javert: Shouldn't you not be getting married if you have the same father? Though that inbreeding would explain a lot…
[Eponine (as Cosette) leaves.]
Javert (as Valjean): Not another word my son, Luke, I am your father!
There's something now that must be done I have to smack some sense into you!
You've spoken from the heart Yeah, your brain couldn't form words, it has trouble with that
…There lived a man named Jean Valjean And…
He stole some bread to save his sister's son That's nephew, poofy hair boy, I don't want you to have to strain yourself
For nineteen winters served his time But not in the summer, no, the they had vacation
In sweat he washed away his crime Ewww
Years ago I could actually hear
He broke parole and lived a life apart
How could he tell Cosette and break her heart?
It's for Cosette that this must be faced
If he is caught she is disgraced
The time is come to journey on
And from this day he must be gone
Who am I? Ah, he's forgotten who is he is again
Who am I? And now he's repeating himself, poor boy, the mind is going…
Enjolras (as Marius): You're Jean Valjean! Wow, that was a tough one
[Enjolras (as Marius) and Eponine (as Cosette) lead a wedding procession.]
What can I do
That will turn you from this?
Monsieur, you cannot leave
Whatever I tell my beloved Cosette Eww, 'beloved' and 'Cosette' don't seem to belong together
She will never believe!…
Combeferre: My lord, Enjolras has gotten married! What is the world coming to?
[The procession becomes a dancing celebration. A waltz is played.]…
[Javert (as Valjean) is alone in the shadows, with a bare wooden cross for company.]
Javert (as Valjean): Alone I wait in the shadows I don't need light, wouldn't be able to see either way
I count the hours till I can sleep Is this musical over yet?
I dreamed a dream Cosette stood by I smacked her
It made her weep to know I die. So I smacked her
Alone at the end of the day This musical is sooo long!
Upon this wedding night I pray When you die early, you don't realize how long
Take these children, my Lord, to thy embrace soooo long
And show them grace. Can I sleep now?
God on high Hey, this song again
Hear my prayer This is familiar…
Take me now
To thy care It's about time
Where You are
Let me be
Take me now
Take me there
Bring me home
Bring me home. Argh! Why do you have to be so repetitive!
[Fantine's spirit appears to Javert (as Valjean).]
Fantine: M'sieur, I bless your name
M'sieur, lay down your burden
You raised my child in love
And you will be with God.
Javert (as Valjean): (interjecting)
I am ready, Fantine Ah! A dead prostitute!
At the end of my days A ghost!
She's the best of my life. I'm going to faint now
[Enjolras (as Marius) and Eponine (as Cosette) rush into the room, but they do not see Fantine.]
Eponine (as Cosette): Papa, papa, I do not understand! When have you ever?
Are you alright? They said you'd gone away.
Javert (as Valjean): Cosette, my child, am I forgiven now?
Thank God, thank God, I've lived to see this day. It's amazing considering how old I am
Valjean: I am about this close to beating someone up.
Javert (as Valjean), Fantine, and Cosette (as Eponine): Take my hand
And lead me to salvation
Take my love
For love is everlasting.
And remember
The truth that once was spoken
To love another person
Is to see the face of God!
Chorus:
Do you hear the people sing
For the wretched of the earth
They will live again in freedom
Will you join in our crusade?
[The curtain falls.]
Lost in the valley of the night
It is the music of a people
Who are climbing to the light
There is a flame that never dies
Even the darkest night will end
And the sun will rise.
In the garden of the Lord
They will walk behind the plough-share
They will put away the sword
The chain will be broken
And all men will have their reward!
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Will you join in our crusade?
Who will be strong and stand with me?
Somewhere beyond the barricade
Is there a world you long to see?
Do you hear the people sing
Say, do you hear the distant drums?
It is the future that they bring
When tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
Tomorrow comes!
::The entire cast starts dancing with glee that they are finally done.::
Valjean: We did it!
Javert: We're done!
Eponine: It's finally over!
Javert: I don't have to be a really old convict!
Valjean: I don't have to be a heartless fool!
Cosette: I don't have to be a scruffy urchin!
Eponine: I don't have to be an airhead!
Enjolras: I don't have to be a poofy-headed romantic!
Marius: I don't have to be a drop-dead gorgeous revolutiona-wait-darn it!
::Less than ten minutes later they're all in a big group drinking and swapping 'war stories'::
Cosette: Hey, they made me climb a barricade!
Javert: At least you didn't have to be saintly old man.
Valjean: I had to jump off a bridge!
Enjolras: Whatever you all say, I was the one who had to be Marius.
Javert: I accept defeat
Valjean: You truly have suffered the most
Eponine: I pity you.
Me: My plan didn't work at all. Not only do you guys not sympathize with each other, I think you dislike each other all the more, if that's even possible. Darn.
Javert: Told you it wouldn't work.
Me: Anyway, did we all have fun?
Everyone: No!
Jehan: Yes.
Me: Well, that's too bad, cause I already know what we're doing next.
Valjean: I am truly afraid.
Me: Is that because London has a killer on the loose?
Valjean: No, it's because you're going to make us perform Jekyll and Hyde.
Me: Ding Ding Ding! You're right, give the man a prize!
Enjolras: And so it begins...