"Everybody Hurts"
Rowan Arkenson
Summary: Everybody hurts – especially when you're in love with a girl who won't even look at you. But James will soon realise that he's not the only one with problems...
Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the setting. JK Rowling does, and I guess she owns the general plot, but the story, lucky me, is mine. :) enjoy.
A/N: hope you like the story. This is an L/J story. Kind of love/hate, but more original than most. The rating is PG13 because there's some swearing in here and some what I guess you would call "adult" themes but what I think of more as teenage themes. Please review. ~rowanx
Chapter One – An Ocean of Denial
James looked up as Lily bounded in, her red hair flowing about her soft shoulders. Her green eyes caught the sun that poured in from the window and reflected pure beauty. James felt his heart leap up into his throat. It continued on up to his mouth, breaking it into a pleasurable smile. Lily, as sweet as her name, waltzed over to her friends, carrying her books tightly in her perfectly shaped hands. She sat down on a chair and flung her hair over her left shoulder, the way she always did when greeting her friends, baring that beautifully tempting shoulder that longed for James to kiss it…
"Oh bollocks!"
James shook his head and turned to his best friend. He looked down at the chessboard. He, like Sirius quite blatantly, could see no move that would result in Sirius not losing. It was obvious that Sirius' opponent, Peter, was feeling the same thing. It seemed as though he was trying hard not to laugh as he said, "Checkmate."
"Damnit." Sirius leaned back in his chair in a huff. Cursing a few more times he crossed his arms immaturely and pouted.
Remus nudged James. "Doesn't look too good for Sirius does it?"
"Shut up," said Sirius, having heard the unwanted comment.
Remus ignored this. He leaned over to James and spoke quietly in his ear. "Lily just came in."
"Really?" said James trying to sound surprised.
"But then you already know that. By the way you were staring at her for five minutes it seems as though you couldn't believe it." A smirk appeared at the side of Remus' mouth while he watched James try to avoid his eyes. "James, did you know Lily was in Gryffindor? I mean, she is going to be in here a lot, did you know that? Obviously not from the fact that you always seem surprised to see her, always staring at her and everything…"
"Yes!" Sirius jumped to his feet. Everyone in the common room looked over as Sirius made a huge show to move his knight three diagonal spaces to the right. He did a little dance, sitting down as slowly as possible. He grinned broadly and sprawled across his chair casually.
Peter gave a mock-impressed look. "Wow," he said. "Great move. There's just the tiny matter of this." Moving forward, he moved his queen five spaces to the left. Letting Sirius fully understand it first (taking about a whole minute in total), Peter said calmly, "Check."
James and Remus left the common room and quickly exited to their dormitory, letting Sirius throw anther one of his tantrums. They fell onto their beds laughing at Sirius' immaturity, and imagining the expression on Peter's face as he hid under a table, waiting for their friend to stop throwing things around. Sirius hardly ever lost a chess game, and when he did the repercussions weren't good.
"So," said James
"So." Remus gave James a look. A very intriguing look. A look that plainly said "look-I-know-you-fancy-Lily-I-know-you-were-staring-at-her-you're-always-staring-at-her-so-why-don't-you-just-admit-to-it-and-I-can-start-laughing-at-you-and-threatening-to-tell-Sirius-whilst-watching-watching-you-squirm-which-would-amuse-me-greatly". James had a lot of experiences with looks.
"No."
To anyone else, this "So", "So", "No" conversation the two were having would confuse the hell out of them, but James gave Remus his serious look; the kind he kept for very rare occasions when he felt pissed off and enough was enough. He quite often had to use this look on Sirius when he was getting out of hand.
Remus smiled and shook his head. "Fine, ok."
James grinned, having won the practically silent argument. He knew denial was one of his weaknesses, which he denied a lot of the time, of course, but he didn't mind it really, especially if it meant that he could continue convincing himself that he was over her.
They didn't speak anymore. Lily had always hated him, as far as he knew. James knew he used to be an arrogant prick. Especially when he was in his fourth year, and Gryffindor won the Quidditch Cup largely thanks to his excellent chaser skills. He did used to think a lot of himself. He was extremely big-headed. Those were the days when Lily used to shout at him. The days when they actually conversed with words, even if they were spoken angrily. James longed for the days when Lily acknowledged his existence. About a year ago, when they were in their sixth year, Lily had seemed to have given up on James. She didn't talk to him, she didn't look at him; it was as if he'd completely disappeared. At first James had thought he'd gone invisible, and had started stealing his friends' things hoping to get away with it. But Lily's hatred of him was now so obvious it burned inside his heart. His soul was ripped and torn, stained with the blood of his broken heart; and he'd never even gone out with her.
Sirius poked James in the arm. James lifted his head up sharply and slammed his book shut. "What?" he said.
"You feel asleep." Sirius tried to peer over at the title. "What were you reading?"
James hastily hid his book under the table. "Nothing."
Sirius narrowed his eyes. "You're up to something."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No, I'm not!"
"Prongs, I've been friends with you for years, and I can tell when you're up to something."
James almost wanted to smile but then found he couldn't. Reluctantly, he pulled out a book from under the table. Sirius read the title of the book eagerly, then gasped and stood up dramatically. A few people in the common room looked over. "Oh Prongs, thou hast been wronged! Someone has unruly planted a "Passing Your NEWTs With Newty Colours" in thee's hands! We must find the culprit, and throw him to the lions!"
After a few minutes James said, "Dude have you been reading a dictionary? Your vocabulary seems to have gone past 'damnit', 'bollocks' and 'no'."
Sirius sat down again laughing. "Come on man what are you reading that for? You know you're at the top of all our classes!"
James sighed. "I know, but I really need to get at least an 'E' in everything if I want to become an auror," he explained.
"Yeah, which you'll definitely get!" Sirius laughed. "What's wrong, Prongs? You used to be so laid back."
James frowned and didn't look up. "Yeah well I grew up."
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked defensively.
"Well, you're not exactly Mr Mature are you?"
Sirius glared. "Who gave you the right to hand out names all of a sudden?"
"No one," said James getting angry, "but if I want to work because I actually want to get a good job after Hogwarts then…"
"Are you saying I won't get a good job?" asked Sirius standing up. "You're no better than me, James. At times you're just as stupid as I am. And I'm better than you are at a lot of things you know."
James stood up angrily. "Yeah you are. I never said you weren't! I'm just saying that maybe you'd better start facing facts! You're going to have to work if you want to get any NEWTs!"
"Well I think I'm going to have less of a problem with it than you!" said Sirius. "Your head's always in the clouds – you're always daydreaming. And about who? We all know James! We're not stupid! We all know you're in love with her! But it's pointless; why would she ever go out with you, you're a moron! She hates you, and now I understand why!"
With no idea how it had happened, James suddenly had his hand around Sirius' neck and was pinning him up against the wall. James was looking into his best friend's face with such anger that Sirius thought he was going to kill him. But as quickly as the anger had risen, it disappeared. James suddenly looked shocked and released Sirius, stepping away from him. Sirius didn't move. The two stared at each other for a bit, conflicted emotions showing on both faces. Eventually, Sirius spoke, sounding regretful and deeply apologetic. "Prongs, listen mate, I didn't mean…"
But James had turned away from him. He was about to walk out of the dormitory when he saw her. She was standing a few metres away, staring not at him, but at Sirius, in shock, as if she couldn't look at him so was staring at Sirius instead. Then, right as James was about to run away, she turned and looked at him. Really looked at him. James stared into her green eyes, transfixed and breathing heavily, still recovering from the fight. She looked at him. She was standing so close he could see his own eyes reflected perfectly into hers. Then he turned, and walked out of the dormitory, walking quickly and not looking back.
James knew that Lily had heard everything that was said – of course she did – but in true James tradition, he refused to believe it. So he walked straight down to the Quidditch pitch, called for his broom which in seconds came from somewhere to his left and flew into his hands, and launched off into the air. James sighed contentedly. The cool breeze ran past his face, blowing his hair back. He soared through the grey skies and ignored the thunder clouds overhead. He ignored the fact that everyone who had heard the argument had probably guessed by now that they'd been talking about Lily. He ignored the fact that he'd just held his best friend up to the wall by his neck. He ignored the fact that Lily knew. He ignored the fact that she despised him. He ignored the fact that even just thinking about her sent shivers down his spine. He ignored the fact that his heart was now drumming against his pained chest. He ignored the fact that he felt faint. He ignored the fact that his head was rushing into his stomach. And he flew.
After about an hour or so but after what felt like years, James finally landed and immediately fell over. His breath was short and quick, his lungs ached from not getting enough air. As he lay in the damp grass he looked to the sky above. The stars twinkled at him, and he wondered how long he'd actually been flying for. After a few minutes he shakily stood up, and shivered from the cold. Wrapping his cloak around him tighter, he headed up to the castle, ignoring the fact that he was terrified of what awaited him.
When he'd got back to the castle, everyone had gone to bed, and so he immediately followed suit, but the next day was Monday, which meant he had to get up, and he had to talk to people.
As his eyes blinked themselves awake, he could see a blurry figure standing over him. He reached over for his glasses and put them on, leaning up onto his elbows. It was Remus. Groaning, he lay back down again and pulled the covers over his head. Remus pulled them off again. "Wake up," he said.
"Lemme alone," James mumbled.
"Wake up," Remus repeated.
"I am awake," James said angrily.
"Then get up."
Sighing hugely in protest, James swung his legs out of bed and stood up. They ached quite a bit. He suddenly wished he hadn't flown so much last night. He had Quidditch practice that evening, and being team captain, he'd be no good if he wasn't able to fly.
When he'd got dressed he sat back down on the edge of his bed and yawned. "What time is it?" he asked Remus.
"No idea, but if you don't stop sitting down we'll miss breakfast." Remus' stomach rumbled in agreement.
"Well, your tummy never lies," James said with a definite nod, and stood up. He walked down to the common room with Remus to find it practically empty. "Where is…everyone else?" James asked casually.
Remus looked at him seriously. "If you're talking about Sirius, he went down to breakfast already with Peter." James nodded and looked away. "Sirius told me what happened last night." James nodded again. "So, you still denying everything?"
"Yep," said James, "Except it's different this time. It's not denial, because I'm not pretending. I don't like her."
"Sure," said Remus. "Sure you don't."
After an awkward silence, the two continued down to breakfast, Remus' stomach rumbling all the way. When they entered the great hall, Remus sat down purposely next to Sirius, and the only other seat left was the other side of Sirius. James had no choice but to sit next to him. "Hi," Sirius said sounding hopeful. James ignored him. Sirius slumped down again and fiddled with his spoon. "Look, I'm really sorry Prongs. I didn't mean any of the stuff I said last night."
"Well you obviously did," James said, concentrating hard on buttering his toast, "Otherwise you wouldn't have said it."
Sirius hesitated before answering. "Well, ok, so maybe I meant some of the stuff I said, but it was all in the heat of the moment. I really don't know why Evans hates you so much." Sirius caught the look on James' face and quickly added, "Not that you care, 'cause you hate her too, right?"
"Yes, I do," James said, and ended the conversation. Five minutes later when Sirius said something about looking tremendously forward to Potions with their evil Professor Kiel, James laughed, and the two were back to normal.
When the marauders had finished their breakfast they all stood up nosily and left the great hall. Outside James had been laughing so hard at Sirius' joke about fireworks and mysterious chickens that he bumped into someone. "Oh, sorry," he said. He looked up. He blinked. His heart hammered. His mind raced. His heart jumped into his head.
"That's ok, James," Lily said. She smiled at him and walked on past without another word, straightening her hair after James had bumped her. James turned and gaped after her, amazed.
"Dude, did she just talk to James?" Sirius said.
"I think so," replied Remus in an equally surprised tone.
"Did she just call him James?"
"I think that happened as well."
"Weird," Peter added.
The three looked at James who shrugged and carried on walking. "Maybe she didn't realise it was me," he said, hoping against all hope he was wrong.
"Of course she knew it was you," said Sirius. "She looked at you, yes?"
"Well, yeah."
"And she called you James, yes?"
"Well, there are other James' in this school…"
"She called you James, yes?"
James sighed. "Yes, but why would she talk to me? You just stop hating someone, you know."
"Maybe she never did hate you," Remus muttered quietly, intending on not being heard, but James whipped round.
"What do you mean?" he asked too eagerly.
Remus shrugged. "I don't know," he said honestly.
"No, really, what did you mean by that?" James said again.
Remus suppressed a grin. "I really don't know. I was just voicing a random thought aloud."
"But, she must have hated me. She's always hated me. She told me I was a stupid arrogant arse for six years and then stopped talking to me you don't do that to your friends…"
"Ah, I said maybe she never hated you – I never said maybe she always considered you a friend."
"Yeah, but…"
"Prongs," Sirius interrupted, grinning, "You seem awfully interested in finding out whether a girl you don't like likes you or not."
James frowned and gave Sirius the evillest look he could muster. Sirius pretended to faint in shock, and they walked to their potions lesson.
James found it extremely hard to concentrate on his lessons that day for obvious reasons. It didn't help that Lily happened to be in all of them. They had all their subjects together, because they both seemed to like the same things. James stared at Lily whenever he was sure she wasn't looking. He spent those precious moments in transfiguration when Professor Dumbledore was writing on the black board with his wand "The precise steps of how to turn yourself into fire" to gaze at Lily and try to memorize her off by heart, in case he ever had to part from her, which he realised with a sickening pang he might have to do at the end of the year. James' eyes swelled up at the thought that he might never see her again, but then Dumbledore raised a curious eyebrow at James and he reluctantly tore his eyes away from his love and started copying down some notes.
When transfiguration ended, James somehow ended up at the door at the same time as Lily. When both tried to go through at the same time Lily snapped at him, "Get out of my way, Potter," James graciously stepped aside and Lily for a moment looked surprised, as if she'd been expecting him to either shout back at her or to say something rude or sarcastic. She walked past him and he followed, wondering how much longer he was going to have to endure such pain.
In the common room that evening, the Marauders were silently doing their homework. James and Sirius had just got back from Quidditch practice, and James was not feeling great. It had gone quite badly for the first practice of the year. He couldn't concentrate and had had to end the session early. The marauders were notorious for leaving their homework to the last minute, and James had a fifteen inch parchment to write on why you shouldn't mix unicorn blood with leprechaun blood due in for tomorrow's potions lesson. He just couldn't concentrate though; practically every other word had started with "L" and he'd had to scribble out. His parchment was blotched with mistakes. He just couldn't stop thinking about Lily. Eventually, he slammed his quill down and screwed his parchment up. "This is ridiculous!" he said, voicing his angry thoughts out loud, before throwing his scrunched up homework across the room, narrowly missing the only other person in the common room, a second year, who looked quite terrified at being under attack, and ran off to his dormitory.
"Five points from Gryffindor, Prongs."
"What?" asked James moodily.
Remus smiled. "For pointlessly attacking second years," he said, sounding amused. "What's up with you?"
"Nothing," James muttered.
"Of course not," said Sirius smiling. "Hunting second years is just a fun sport, isn't it Prongs? Personally, I prefer first years. Much more juicy." James was the only one not laughing. "Oh sorry, mate, I was only joking, but if hunting second years is what gets you high, I seriously thing we need to call the RSPCA. And a therapist.
"Prongs, talk to us," Peter said almost pleadingly. "What's wrong?"
"Let me see," Sirius said, answering for James when his best friend made no attempt to do so. "Staring out of windows, staring at a certain someone I shall not mention for fear of getting my head ripped off again, lack of concentration, attacking second years, being moody with his friends when they clearly have done nothing wrong… Yep, it's definitely love."
"Love?" repeated Peter.
Remus turned to James. "Are you in love?" he asked with a small smile.
"Well, maybe I am! What is love, anyway?" James asked angrily, standing up. "Is it something that's supposed to make you feel good? Sunshine and daisies and all that? 'Cause if that's what love is, then I'm definitely not in it. What I feel, it goes deeper than a black hole. I feel empty. I feel sick. I feel like my soul's been ripped out and torn apart and it's hard to just fucking breathe 'cause without my soul I'm nothing. Is that what love is? It can't be. That's not how it's supposed to go. When I'm around Lily, I feel like I'm swimming in a cool blue ocean that allows me to swim as deep as I want. I feel free, I feel happy. But then she leaves and I start to drown, because life isn't worth living without her! I can't live without her! I…I just can't…"
The marauders stared at James in shock as he stood before them, breathing heavily and feeling the prickles of sorrow behind his eyes. Remus stood up and opened his mouth but seemed unable to say anything. Even Sirius seemed at a loss for words, and his favourite sport was teasing his best friend at the best possible moments. Peter had shrunk back into his chair and was staring at James, still and silent.
James turned to go.
"Prongs, wait." He stopped, but didn't turn back, for fear they would see his face was stained with tears. "We had no idea you…"
"Yeah, well now you do," James said interrupting Sirius. "You may commence making fun of me and making my life worse than it already is." James quickly walked up the stairs, ran into his dormitory and slammed it shut. He leaned against it and breathed in sharp, painful breaths, letting the trapped tears he had held for so long flow freely.
James was flying on his broomstick. He was up high, just below the clouds. He looked down at the beautiful ocean below and frowned. He didn't want the ocean anymore. It kept grabbing at him, trying to pull him under. James looked up and instead flew to the clouds.
He was an eagle, the cleverest of them all. He tried to fly to the sun but couldn't.
He was a nightingale, singing and chirping, enticing everything around him. He tried to fly to the endearing sun – but couldn't.
He was an albatross, the biggest of them all – and still the sun wasn't letting him near.
He was James, falling towards the sea, his broomstick vanished, his thoughts and identity unclear to him, his sun dimming, hiding behind a cloud…
James sat up. He was sweating and it was hard to breathe. He clutched at his chest and closed his eyes. What had the dream been about? He couldn't remember now. He breathed in deeply, letting his lungs catch the much wanted fresh air. Suddenly his curtains were thrown open and Remus was standing there looking worried. "Prongs, what is it?" Sirius was standing behind him and Peter was sitting up on his bed, looking at James worriedly.
"What?" James asked.
"You were yelling, but I'm not sure what you were saying."
James frowned. "I'm fine, ok? I just had a bad dream, that's all."
Remus nodded, looked as though he wanted to say something, but then moved away and climbed back into his bed. Sirius gave James a strange look then moved away as well. James pulled his curtains shut again and lay back down, wondering why he felt so angry. In truth and fairness, his friends had done nothing wrong at all. In fact, he was sure they'd only tried to make him feel better earlier, but all this stuff with Lily, and finally having to admit to it all, was too much for James to take. With all thoughts of the dream gone from his mind, and a fresh picture of Lily Evans plastered in the black behind his eyes, he drifted off once more into an uneasy sleep.
When he awoke the next day, Peter and Sirius were still asleep, but Remus had already gone, his bed neatly made. James banged his head down on his pillow and groaned. He tried hard to clear his head of all thoughts but found it almost impossible. Eventually, he got up and changed into jeans and an old t-shirt, pulling his robe over them. He headed down to the common room and ignored the masses of people in there. He went to breakfast and sat down purposely excluding himself from the others, not even bothering to see if anyone else was there.
Just in time for the morning post, he watched in awe as he even now after seven years always did, watching the beautiful owls of different colours, shapes and sizes, swoop into the hall, carrying packages and parchments. Two owls landed in front of him: he hastily lifted his plate of buttered toast out of the way before one of them landed on him. The darker bird, more official looking, held out a copy of the Daily Prophet. James handed the owl some money and it flew away. He placed the newspaper down next to him and turned to the next bird, recognising it as "Swoopy" – it belonged to his parents. They'd had her for so long James had named her when he was six, coming up with the most ridiculous of names – but it had stuck, and even now, everyone still called her Swoopy. James took the letter from her beak, stroked her affectionately, and let her fly off back home. He turned to the envelope held in his hand and sighed. Reluctantly, he opened it, almost certain of what it would say: -
Dear James,
How are you darling? I hope all your friends are ok, especially Sirius, that poor boy. But then, with a family like his, one can't really expect him not to leave that dreadful house of his!
Are the teachers making you work hard? I should hope so. You really need those NEWTs, James, if you really want to become an auror. I know you and your friends all think you're pretty smart, but it's a tough world out there sweetie, and you really ought to work harder than perhaps you have before at Hogwarts.
Oh, the reason I write, is your father wants to know if you've had a chance to meet with Anita Wilkins yet? She really is a lovely girl, darling, beautiful, and her family have a lot of very important contacts all over the wizarding world. I don't know why you insist on being difficult, James; after all, your father and I know best, don't we? Just ask her out, that's all you have to do. I know it's embarrassing, but you're a fine young man, and I'm sure she'll say yes.
Please write back soon, I can't wait to hear how your date with her goes.
Lots of love,
Mum
xxx
James groaned angrily and screwed the paper up, letting it drop onto the table. "Any news from home?" James turned and saw Remus standing over him, looking as though he'd just arrived there. He sat down next to James who forgot his resentment at his friends and made no protest against the movement.
"Oh yes, lots," James said unenthusiastically. "Mumsie darling wants to know if my teachers are making me work hard enough because she's sure that unless I revise all day and all night all year I'm not going to get any NEWTs, because they're really super hard you know, oh, and she wants to know if me Anita Wilkins are married yet because did you know apparently we're the perfect couple! And her family have the greatest contacts in the wizarding world so who cares if I love her or not! Who cares if I even like her, Mother and Father like her and that's all that matters right?" James' fake plastered smile he had kept up during this sarcastic speech dropped immediately as he returned to his toast and picked up the Daily Prophet.
Remus laughed. "Oh come on, James, no ones parents are that bad. Sirius seems to think they're lovely."
James handed Remus the letter without looking at him. After a minute or so, Remus said, "You're right, some parents are that bad."
James scanned the headlines of the Daily Prophet, trying to forget about his as-annoying-as-hell parents. Nothing out of the ordinary had particularly happened. James had just started discussing an article on page four "Swamp Bugs and How They End Up Under Your Covers" with Remus, laughing when Remus had begun plotting getting Sirius back for putting a few in his bed, when she walked into the hall.
It was like James had a sixth sense – and that sixth sense was Lily. As soon as she'd walked over to the Gryffindor table, he knew she was there, behind him. He closed his eyes, feeling her pass by behind him, and then turned to watch her walk away to her friends, Priscilla and November. He waited for the moment she would flick her hair over her left shoulder, knowing the exact movement off by heart as she did so…
"Prongs?"
James turned back, startled, to receive Remus' worried gaze on him. "You alright, mate?"
James gulped and looked back at the paper. "Yeah, I'm fine Moony, thanks." He had almost forgotten shouting at them the previous day, had almost forgotten his admittance to loving Lily, had almost forgotten everything he had said...
"Look, I'm really sorry we didn't see it..."
"That's alright Moony," said James, cutting his best friend off from having to say anything else. "I guess my denial ran too far." He chuckled weakly, feeling stupid at what he just said, but Remus seemed to understand, and nodded wisely.
"I guess it did," he said softly. He looked as though he was about to say something else but at that moment Peter and Sirius came into the hall loudly, looking as though they thought that James was upset, it wasn't their fault at all, but it was their mission to cheer him up immediately. James rolled his eyes at Remus who closed his mouth from wanting to say something and laughed quietly.