The Bonds of Time: Extended Blooper Reel!
... Because "Light of Evil" is taking longer than expected.
Enjoy!
Naru in the Sauna, Take 1
Kebinu: (on the other side of the door) Empress! I have important news for you!
Naru: (getting out of the tub) Just a-(slips and falls onto the tiled floor) SHIT!
Kebinu: (rushes in, blushes at the sight) Er, Empress? You okay-?
Naru: PERVERT! (punches Kebinu through the wall)
Director: CUT!
Naru in the Sauna, Take 2
Kebinu: (on the other side of the door) Empress! I have important news for you!
Naru: (getting out of the tub) I-(slips on a rubber ducky and crashes into the wall) DAMNIT!
Talon: Oh! So that's where my ducky went...
Naru: (runs after Talon, furious and NAKED) YOU BASTARD! PREPARE TO DIE!
Talon: (running and covering his eyes) I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO!
Director: (severe nosebleed) CUT!
Talon meets Kebinu, Take 1
Talon: I am Andrew Joshua Talon, military commander of the Otohime Union. Welcome to Maryland, Ambassador.
Kebinu: (humming "The Imperial March" from Star Wars) Huh?
Talon: (vein bursting on his head) PAY ATTENTION!
Kebinu: (points) Why are your guards dressed like Stormtroopers?
Talon: (turns, and sees that, indeed, they are) What the f-?
Stormtrooper 1: (raises his cheap plastic blaster) Episode Three is coming!
Rest of the Stormtroopers: HUZZAH!
Lucia: (groan) Did we have to sign up extras from that Sci Fi convention?
Director: Cut, already! I don't want to be associated with George Lucas any more than I have to!
Talon meets Kebinu, Take 2
Talon: I am Andrew Joshua Talon, military commander of the Otohime Union. Welcome to Maryland, Ambassador.
Kebinu: (nods) And I am-Huh? What is it this time?!
Talon: Huh? (turns. The guards and Lucia are dressed as various anime characters)
Lucia: (dressed as Rouroni Kenshin, grins) Otakucon, baby!
Guards: YEAH!
Kebinu: (groan) First Star Wars geeks, now otakus?!
Director: Remind me to fire our casting head. CUT!
Kana and Shinobu, Take 1
Kana: You disapprove of my methods?
Shinobu: (blasts him with Light Energy) You bet I do, bitch! Now, from now on, I'm in charge! Is that clear, bitch?
Kana: (wide-eyed) What? I-
Shinobu: (slaps him) Did I say you could talk, bitch? No, I did not! Grovel, bitch!
Talon and Kebinu: (watching) Dude... Sucks to be you! (laugh themselves silly)
Shinobu: This book on "Dominatrix for Dummies" really helped my self esteem...
Kana: (groan) I noticed...
Shinobu: (slap) SHUT IT, BITCH!
Director: (rubs his cheeks) It's them, right? It's not me... CUT!
Kana, Jack, and Shinobu, Take 1
Kana: The Goddess must retire. Now. It is too dangerous.
Jack: That's for her to decide, not you.
Kana: I serve fate. It is fate's wish that the Lightbringer not come to harm.
Shinobu: ...
Kana: (clears throat) I said, I serve fate. It is fate's wish that the Lightbringer not come to harm...
(Both guys turn. Standing in Shinobu's place is a doll in her form, with the sign OUT TO LUNCH hanging on it. Both guys sweatdrop)
Jack: Well, that's just dandy...
Shinobu: (from off-stage) Sorry! I was getting hungry!
Director: Nevermind, CUT!
Behind the Scenes 1
(Talon is busy typing at his computer. He then angrily deletes what he wrote, then write more, then deletes it, then writes it again, and so on.)
Talon: Arghhhh! Curse you, writer's block! Foul demon of my mind!
Motoko: (comes in, brandishing her sword) A demon?! Let me at him! Now stand still, Talon...
Talon: (jumps up and backs away) Heck no, you crazy woman! I was being, er, metaphorical!
Motoko: This long of a writer's block can't be natural! (raises her sword) I shall cleanse thee of evil!
Talon: (running away) The hell you will!
Motoko: (runs after him) GET BACK HERE, TAINTED ONE!
Naru: (walking with Kebinu, watching) Wow... He really is fast...
Kebinu: (smirk) Wait and see how fast he gets when she tells him exactly how she'll "cleanse" him...
Behind the Scenes 2
Jack: (looking through his computer files) Man, we are just not getting the kinds of reviews that Kanako did with LHFBW...
Lance: (looks up from his own files) Well, what should we do?
Jack: (runs his chin thoughtfully) Hm... Well, Kanako was going through her pregnancy at the time...
LATER...
Naru: NO! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! NO!
Jack: (pleading) C'mon Naru! We need more reviews! This is the best way we could think of!
Naru: (punches him through the roof) STUPID PERVERT!
Keitaro: (watching, shakes his head) Poor fool...
Talon's Introduction, Take 1
Talon: And with this, President Bush finally succeeded in ridding the world of Saddam Hussein's terror once and for all...
Random Student 1: But not Osama bin Laden's, huh?
Talon: Er...
Talon and Arney, Take 2
Talon: Yes, Miss Arney? What can I do for you?
Arney: Can you get on top of the table and perform a strip tease?
Talon: ... Buh?
Arney: See, my mom saw you in the showers at your base one day, and has always wanted a keepsake, so...
Talon: OO (keels over)
Talon and Arney, Take 3
Arney: Well... Um... No. I was wondering, about... Well... I'll be blunt, sir.
Talon: Yes?
Arney: ... Er... Um... Damnit! Line!
Director: Again?!
Talon: Arney, child, do you need more time to cover the script?
Arney: Sorry sir, director. It's very distracting when Motoko and Shinobu are over there, making out in a corner.
All the males: (turn and look)
Arney: Ha! Made ya' look!
Everyone: (turn and glare)
Arney: Eh heh... sorry?
Talon and Arney, Take 4
Talon: Well... What do you think I should be doing, Miss Arney? Instead?
Arney: How about directing?
Talon: -- Miss Arney, if you're not going to take this seriously...
The Catalcysm, Take 1
Talon: AAAAHHHHH! I'm trapped underneath my collapsed house! Someone help me! AAAAAHHHHH!
Director: Er... Talon, you're supposed to push out of the tub.
Talon: I'm stuck! Get me out of here! Help! HELP! I'M SUFFOCATING!
Director: sweatdrop Oh boy...
Benjamin's Departure, Take 2
Ben: I'm bound for my destiny! (drives away, before the car's motor sputters and dies)
Ben: Huh?
Director: (groan) Don't tell me we forgot to fill her up!
Ben: Odd, I didn't see this coming...
Kebinu's Introduction, Take 5
Kebinu: Cool! I can manipulate fire!
Kebinu accidentally sets his house on fire.
Director: Oh, so not cool. Cut.
Kebinu: (cringe) If my parents were alive, they'd freak...
Jack's Introduction, Take 2
Jack: People ought to have to take a test before they're allowed to use a computer... I've had to fix every damn machine in this school twice this semester...
Roy: Oh, quit your bitching, the world's about to end...
Jack: Huh? Roy: (tucks script behind his back) Oh, nothing...
Director: (sigh) Cut.
Behind the Scenes 3
Talon: (fooling around in the prop room) Yes! I am... THE ONE! Feel the fury of GREYSPAR! MWAHAHAHA!
Director: Talon? ... That's a mop.
Talon: ... Oh. I though it was a little long...
Shinobu in Colorado Springs, Take 3
Shinobu: No, really, I'm not God!
Healed Guy: Joy to the world, Shinobu's come!
Shinobu: No, no! That's not-
Healed Guy: The Earth receives her queen! Her beauty sends us alllll, running to the hilllls,
Shinobu: Wait, stop! Let's-
Healed Guy: To repeat the sounding joy, to repeat the sounding joy! To reeeepeat, repeeaaat, the sound in-
Shinobu: (sighs, covers her ears, crying)
Director: Let's not add this to the soundtrack, okay? Cut.
Behind the Scenes 4
Arney: (Running around with Kebinu's axe) WAHAHAHAHA!
Talon and Kebinu: RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Naru: (sigh) Baka, leaving his weapon where anyone could just pick it up...
Ben and Kanako, Take 1
Ben: And they shall be called the Four Sovereigns of Narnia, two Sons of Adam, and Two Daughters of Eve, and they shall reign until-
Kanako: Ben, that's not a prophecy. That's barely even C.S. Lewis.
Ben: Oh! Oh, right, eh heh, let me just find the script...
Director: Don't bother, just cut.
Behind the Scenes 5
Talon: (knocking on a trailer door) Mutsumi! Mutsumi! It's time for the next take! We heave to go!
Mutsumi: (opens the door) Ara, I'm sorry Talon-kun, I was in the shower. I'm... Ara, are you all right?
Talon: (gawking at Mutsumi's, er... Less-than-toweled self) Buh... Gah... Wah...
Kebinu Meets Naru, Take 1
Naru: AIIIEEEEE!
Kebinu: Whoops! tries to move his hand
Naru: Ohhhhhh YES! Again! HARDER!
Kebinu: ...good god... realizes where his hand is, and nosebleeds
Director: CUT! And someone get a mop!
Kebinu Gets his Axe, Take 1
Kebinu: Hey Naru, check this out! spinning axe around I slice! I dice! I make French fries ten different ways!
Naru: Dammit, stop fooling around with that thing before someone gets—
Kebinu: accidentally slashes his foot open
Naru: —hurt.
Kebinu: OO YEOWWWWW!!!
Naru: rolls her eyes Idiot.
Kebinu: writhing on the ground This isn't supposed to happen to me! I'm a Mary Sue!
Director: ...this is why I said no horseplay on the set... MEDIC!
Motoko Encounters Kana, Take 1
Motoko: warily Who are you?
Kana: narrows his eyes
Motoko: narrows her eyes
Kana: scowls
Motoko: scowls
Kana: ...
Motoko: ...well?
Kana: ...
Motoko: ...
Kana: ...I'm Batman.
Motoko: falls over
Director: CUT! I can't even trust you, can I Kana?
Ben and Kanako, Take 2
Kanako: Well, Benjamin the telepath... I assume you know why I am here?
Ben: Not yet. However, if you would indulge me for just a second... extends his hand
Kanako: nods and takes his hand
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kanako: clutching her hand OW! You little #$$&#—
Ben: holds up hand buzzer Mwa ha! Gotcha!
Director: sigh CUT...
Naru and Kebinu's Car Scene, Take 1
Naru: So I'll be the empress Naru, and you'll be my faithful retainer, Kebinu, wielder of the mighty axe... what do you call that thing, anyway?
Kebinu: frowns Huh?
Naru: Doesn't it have a name?
Kebinu: Not as far as I know.
Naru: You should give it one, then.
Kebinu: Very well. I shall call it... camera zooms in on his face dramatically Mini-Me!
Naru: ...
Director: sigh CUT...
Naru and Kebinu's Car Scene, Take 2
Kebinu: Or at least... at least you didn't have to make me wear your skirt!
Naru: Ha! You think that's all you have to do?
Kebinu: Eh?
Naru: Stop the car!
Kebinu: stomps on the brakes
Naru: Remove your seatbelt!
Kebinu: Uh... unbuckles
Naru: conjures fireball Now... you will DANCE!
Kebinu: YIPE! jumps up on the seat and starts flailing around
Naru: hits the stereo and Haddaway's "What Is Love?" starts playing
Stereo: WHAT IS LOVE? LADY DON'T HURT ME... DON'T HURT ME... NO MORE...
Talon, Lance, Jack, Baka-Alaskan, Keitaro, Ben, and pretty much every other male character: pointing and laughing hysterically
Silver: WORK IT, KEBINU!
Naru: holds up a dollar
Shinobu and Motoko: blushing
Kebinu: I hate you all!
Kana: Idiots. turns and walks off down the hall doing the Hustle
Director: Are we still rolling? Turn the damn thing off already—
Kanako: frantically No! No! Keep rolling! This is comedy gold!
Director: sweatdrop
Talon versus Greg, Take 1
Death's-Head/Greg: Not bad... even though you have no technique.
Talon: WHAT?!
Greg: You've probably relied on your speed and your sword your whole life, right?
Talon: Well, what's so special about YOU?
Greg: poses I know... kung fu!
Talon: YOU BASTARD! I'm supposed to be the one who does the Matrix jokes! jumps at him and they fight
Lucia: watching Looks like a... what's the male equivalent of a catfight?
Mutsumi: ...um, aren't you knocked out?
Lucia: And on that note! flees
Director: Cut... Lucia, get back here and get in position again...
Talon versus Greg, Take 2
Death's-Head/Greg: Not bad... even though you have no technique.
Talon: WHAT?!
Greg: You've probably relied on your speed and your sword your whole life, right?
Talon: Well, what's so special about YOU?
Greg: Nothing, Missssster Talon... Except that I'm the one to kill you!
Talon: HEY! What did I say about the Matrix jokes?!
Greg: (scoff) Oh please... You're not even wearing sunglasses!
Talon: I have the speed, the angst, and the black wardrobe! (poses) I am so qualified to do Matrix jokes!
Greg: Are not!
Talon: Are too!
Greg: Are not!
Talon: Are too!
Director: CUT! You're acting like a pair of two-years olds!
Greg and Talon: (point at eachother) HE STARTED IT!
Mutsumi: (sweatdrop) Ara ara...
Behind the Scenes 6
Naru: (throwing fire at screaming pedestrians outside the studio) BWAHAHAHAHAHA! FEEL THE BURN, FOOLISH MORTALS!
Talon: (waving his arms) NARU! WE DON'T NEED MORE LAWSUITS! REMEMBER THE BUS OF NUNS?!
Naru: (snarl) I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY! (fries him)
Talon: (twitching, burnt) Ouch...
Kanako and Haruka, Take 1
Haruka: Did you get all that?
Kanako: (doesn't reply)
Haruka... Kanako?
Kanako: Bw4h4h4h4h4! ph34r 7h3 wr47h 0 M4$73r (h31 !
Lance: (wide eyed) Holy shit! She's talking l33t and kicking ass in Halo on X-box?!
Kebinu: She is pure evil...
Director: (µ7!