AN: *sighs heavily* I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm facing some
writer's block (the ideas just aren't coming!!!), so I'm just going to sit
myself down and write something in hopes that it will clear this up. I was
going to do some SasuNaru fluff, but I've just changed my mind. *thumbs up*
I warn you, I'm starting off with no ideas whatsoever, so this will
probably be very odd and random (if you can't already tell, the title has
no relation to this fic. If I manage to incorporate something about it
later on, I will be surprised). Everyone will be four years older so that
way, nothing I do will be shota. Anyway, enjoy.
Disclaimer: I own Naruto. I said it, I said it! ...Nothing's happening. This isn't what I expected at --Hey! Let go of me! No! I don't WANT to listen to the nice doctors in the white coats!
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Kerosene:
Insanity After Dark
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Naruto trudged home after a long day of training. He arrived after Kakashi-sensei, for some bizarre reason (an old woman _insisted_ that he help move her some thirty boxes of belongings to her new house across town), and ended up doing 200 laps around Konohagakure as punishment. His muscles were aching and he had wanted to vomit, but since he never had breakfast or lunch, there was nothing to throw up. After a few steps inside his small apartment, he collapsed on the floor in a dead sleep, not bothering to lock his door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sasuke had also dragged his worn-out body back to his apartment after out-running the 8 o'clock mob of fangirls. Upon his arrival, he had snuck in through the window, not wanting to face the few crazy stalkers waiting in front of his door for his return, and flopped himself on his futon. Visions of various ways to torture Kakashi-sensei ran through his head, but he shut them out quickly. Today hadn't been that bad -- they were only forced to run 200 laps because of Naruto, climb the three tallest trees in the forest using one foot, spar for three consecutive hours _blindfolded_ and with one arm tied behind their back, and do fifty sets each of forty- eight advanced chakra training techniques. They had been through worse, when Kakashi-sensei had a particularly bad fight with Iruka-sensei. When would people should learn to keep their personal lives out of their professional lives? On top of it all, they weren't allowed a lunch break, so the only thing that kept him going was the single slice of toast he had popped in his mouth before departing at 4:30 in the morning. His stomache grumbled loudly and he brought his hands up to rub at his throbbing temples. Of course, he would never admit he was tired or anything. He had an image to uphold, especially around his team mates, Sakura and Naruto. He was 'The Cool One', or so a blond haired shinobi once dubbed him. He ignored his rumbling tummy and nodded off to sleep. Unbeknownst to him, one of his 'regulars' had finally managed to pick the lock and was about to enter when she was suddenly jumped by the 'Sasuke Faithfuls', one of the most vicious of all his fanclubs and rival to the infamous 'We Love Sasuke- sama' group.
Sasuke awoke to much screaming, banging, cussing, and further violent noises. In the fear of being discovered, he escaped through whence he came with a burst of adrenaline and fled to the only place he could think of, which was, surprise, surprise, Naruto's apartment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In another part of the village, Itachi sat eating a bowl of ramen. It wasn't the greatest ramen he'd ever had, but it definitely wasn't the worst. He finished his bowl and ordered another one, earning some strange looks from other customers sitting far away from him. He shot them all glares, to which they all cringed away, and started to eat his seventh bowl that evening. Consuming his food in record time, he slammed the correct amount of money in whatever currency was acceptable and left with his cape- like robe thing billowing behind him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Orochimaru yawned and sat awkwardly on the throne he had made from old cardboard boxes. His head hung upside down and his legs were propped up over the back of the chair. He scratched absently at the rash he had developed on his neck from being exposed to grapefruit juice and sighed. He. Was. Bored. He was completely bored out of his mind. All of his followers, or what he liked to call 'minions', were out doing dastardly deeds in his name, and he was stuck inside the dank hideout with nothing to do at all.
An idea suddenly hit him and he cackled insanely to himself for quite a long time. Eventually running out of breath, he slid down to the floor and sat up abruptly on his seat. Unfortunately, his homemade throne was not as sturdy as one would think, and it caved under his hasty movements. A cloud of dust rose into the air and reminded Orochimaru to have Kabuto clean up the place. He stood and brushed himself off.
'Now to go visit my old friend, Sasuke-kun,' Orochimaru thought gleefully. His brilliance amazed even himself at times. He exited the hideout and almost skipped to his destination, but not before scrawling a note, telling his loyal subjects that he was going out for a midnight stroll and not to come looking for him. It wasn't that he didn't like their company. It was just that they tended to compete with each other for his attention and that was just bloody annoying at times.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Itachi had originally planned to go to his brother's apartment and taunt the poor boy until he said something mildly entertaining, such as, "I WILL kill you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I WILL kill you, for I *dramatic pose* am an AVENGER!" He could always get a laugh out of Sasuke's melodramatics. However, he was equally surprised and disappointed when he didn't find his brother, but instead, a horde of females trying to kill each other for 'Sasuke-sama''s hair gel flakes. He quickly broke up the crowd and ushered them out of Sasuke's apartment, claiming to be Sasuke's aniki. Several of them swooned while the rest of them made at to glomp him, screaming, "Another Uchiha! He's MINE!" Using a basic Kawarimi, he switched with an unsuspecting, and unlucky, man walking by and quickly blended into the shadows after rounding a corner. A high pitched scream was let out and Itachi almost felt sorry for the man. He really would have to give his brother a break once in a while. To think Sasuke had to avoid this all day and night.
A slight tap on his shoulder made him jump, thinking that he had been found, and he turned to see Orochimaru glaring at him with fire in his eyes. Parts of his clothes were torn off and scratches were everywhere. Orochimaru growled and punched Itachi in the face. "You bastard!"
Itachi hit a wall, but remained standing. "What the hell was that for?!" he asked as if he was being falsely accused, but he knew what had happened. It didn't take a genius, though he was one, to figure out that Orochimaru was the one he had switched places with. He rubbed his sore cheek and returned the heated glare. Orochimaru was unfazed.
"Where's Sasuke-kun?" he hissed. Itachi haughtily walked past the pissed off Sennin and saw the bodies of fangirls littering the hallway. "What? They were irritating. You would've done the same and you know it."
"You DO realize that this one is Sasuke's friend, don't you?" Itachi said, kicking at the lifeless form of a certain pink haired girl. She had 'President Haruno Sakura' on the back of her shirt and it was obvious that she was the leader of the notorious 'Sasuke Faithfuls'.
"And your point is?" Orochimaru said and pointed at a wound, "She BIT me."
Itachi's 'Ahhh...' was interrupted by another group of girls appearing out of nowhere. A blond wearing a shirt with 'Ino + Sasuke-sama = Love' bowed to the two men. "You have ridden us of the vile 'Sasuke Faithfuls'. We are eternally grateful. Now we may pursue our beloved Sasuke- sama without worry of their treacherous ways." The rest of the girls followed suit and gave deep bows. "We must get back to work. Ladies!"
"HAI!" The fangirls vanished, leaving behind a banner that read, 'We Love Sasuke-sama!' Orochimaru shook his head and Itachi sighed.
"Kids these days need to get a life," they said simultaneously.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sasuke ran like a wild animal, narrowly missing evening pedestrians. He kept on hearing noises behind him and was afraid that he was officially going mental. After seventeen minutes of non-stop running (fear can do that to you), he made it to Naruto's apartment building. Without knocking, he grabbed at the knob and turned it. To his shock, the door flung open and he continued into the apartment, tripping over something and crashing to the floor.
Naruto jumped to his feet, senses alert and ready for any signs of danger. It was dark already, but light came in from the hallway. Wait, the hallway? He went to flick on the lights and was astonished to see Sasuke sitting on his living room floor, clutching his knee. "Dead-last, what the hell were you doing on the damn floor?! And why wasn't your stupid door locked?! Damnit!"
Naruto's anger prickled and he became defensive. "You're asking what I was doing on MY floor?! I should be asking you what YOU'RE doing in my apartment! Bastard!"
"Me?! I'm hiding from Sakura and her idiot followers! They actually made it INTO my apartment this time!" Sasuke shouted. A bump from underneath caused Sasuke to yelp.
"SHUT UP, UP THERE!" An old woman's voice yelled. Naruto paled.
"Sasuke!" he whispered loudly, "Stop being so noisy! That's the manager's aunt! She's been looking for a reason to have me evicted for ages now!"
"Yeah, well, you SHOULD be evicted! NORMAL people don't go lying in front of a doorway, dumb ass!" Sasuke shot back, also whispering.
"You callin' me abnormal now?!"
"And what if I am?!"
"I'm gonna come over there and kick your ass!"
"I'd like to see you go ahead and try!"
"Oh, I will!" Naruto was about to launch himself at Sasuke when suddenly two strong arms wrapped around him from behind. Naruto stiffened and his eyes widened. Sasuke was also a little dumbfounded, but quickly regained his wits and glared.
"Aniki, what are you doing here?!" Sasuke demanded. He was about to attack, but someone was holding onto his shoulders. He whipped his head around and his jaw dropped. "WHAT?! Orochimaru, too?!"
"I just LOVE your warm welcome, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru said sarcastically. Sasuke cursed inwardly. There was no chance to escape if both his brother and the snake bastard were here. He sighed in defeat.
"Oi, it's RUDE to come in uninvited, you know! And keep it down! The neighbours will get mad!" Naruto finally said harshly, but quietly, bringing everyone's attention to him. Oddly enough, all dark haired men mumbled their apologies. "Someone smells like ramen," Naruto stated all of a sudden. He sniffed the air for a few moments and finally turned to face his restrainer. "You had beef ramen, didn't you? At Ichiraku?"
"HOW did you KNOW?!" Itachi asked, amazed. He not only guessed the place right, but also the flavour of ramen.
"So you really eat there, too?" Naruto asked.
"What do you mean, 'too'? That's my favourite ramen place!" Itachi said proudly.
"You're kidding! It's MY favourite ramen place!" Naruto said, getting excited. A ramen lover rarely ever met another ramen lover, so Naruto hoped that this man really did like ramen as much as he did. He found that he was now grasping the other man's hands in his and they both had the same idea in mind.
"To Ichiraku!" They exclaimed together. Naruto and Itachi linked arms and dragged stunned and confused Sasuke and Orochimaru along behind them. Orochimaru struggled, but even he couldn't break from Itachi's strong grip.
"This manhandling has got to stop!" Orochimaru cried indignantly, earning a few yells from other people inside their own apartments. Realizing that he couldn't get away, he relented.
"Let me go! I don't WANT to go eat ramen with my murdering brother, psychotic megalomaniac, and idiot team mate who doesn't know how to sleep on a mattress!" Sasuke also said. All three stopped to glare at him. He 'eep'-ed and said, "To Ichiraku it is?" which seemed to suffice at the moment.
This night would be a very long and very strange night indeed.
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AN: So how did you like it? Scared? Fascinated? Don't think I can be anymore messed in the head? *wails* I want ItaNaru! If you can't already tell ;P I know I said before that there wouldn't be OrochiSasu, but it's funny when Orochimaru tries to molest Sasuke. XD Expect to see some more of that, but don't worry, it'll just be Oro-chan trying to make Sasuke squirm.
Hehehe, the beginning is cute. Near the end it starts to get weird, no? Well, Sakura's dead, so I don't have to worry about adding her in later. I'm thinking of putting Kakashi and Iruka into the fic. I mean, I DID mention them earlier, and I'll let you guys decide if it's yaoi-ish or not. Heh.
I was trying to write humour, so I'm sorry if you don't think it's funny. I thought it was amusing. *shrugs* But then again, I wrote it.
I fixed the spelling errors (Ichiraku, not Icharaku...silly me. ^^;) and some of the grammar problems, but if you see more, please tell me!
If you've read 'Mistaken Memories', my Orochimaru and Naruto centered fic (but eventual SasuNaru, of course), I just want to say now that all of his minions are dead from the previous attempt to take over, so they won't be appearing anytime soon. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Now please review! Please? I thrive on reviews. They could inspire me so that I can update my other fics. *hinthint* Well, thanks anyway! Have fun doing whatever it is you do online! Ja!
Disclaimer: I own Naruto. I said it, I said it! ...Nothing's happening. This isn't what I expected at --Hey! Let go of me! No! I don't WANT to listen to the nice doctors in the white coats!
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Kerosene:
Insanity After Dark
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Naruto trudged home after a long day of training. He arrived after Kakashi-sensei, for some bizarre reason (an old woman _insisted_ that he help move her some thirty boxes of belongings to her new house across town), and ended up doing 200 laps around Konohagakure as punishment. His muscles were aching and he had wanted to vomit, but since he never had breakfast or lunch, there was nothing to throw up. After a few steps inside his small apartment, he collapsed on the floor in a dead sleep, not bothering to lock his door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sasuke had also dragged his worn-out body back to his apartment after out-running the 8 o'clock mob of fangirls. Upon his arrival, he had snuck in through the window, not wanting to face the few crazy stalkers waiting in front of his door for his return, and flopped himself on his futon. Visions of various ways to torture Kakashi-sensei ran through his head, but he shut them out quickly. Today hadn't been that bad -- they were only forced to run 200 laps because of Naruto, climb the three tallest trees in the forest using one foot, spar for three consecutive hours _blindfolded_ and with one arm tied behind their back, and do fifty sets each of forty- eight advanced chakra training techniques. They had been through worse, when Kakashi-sensei had a particularly bad fight with Iruka-sensei. When would people should learn to keep their personal lives out of their professional lives? On top of it all, they weren't allowed a lunch break, so the only thing that kept him going was the single slice of toast he had popped in his mouth before departing at 4:30 in the morning. His stomache grumbled loudly and he brought his hands up to rub at his throbbing temples. Of course, he would never admit he was tired or anything. He had an image to uphold, especially around his team mates, Sakura and Naruto. He was 'The Cool One', or so a blond haired shinobi once dubbed him. He ignored his rumbling tummy and nodded off to sleep. Unbeknownst to him, one of his 'regulars' had finally managed to pick the lock and was about to enter when she was suddenly jumped by the 'Sasuke Faithfuls', one of the most vicious of all his fanclubs and rival to the infamous 'We Love Sasuke- sama' group.
Sasuke awoke to much screaming, banging, cussing, and further violent noises. In the fear of being discovered, he escaped through whence he came with a burst of adrenaline and fled to the only place he could think of, which was, surprise, surprise, Naruto's apartment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In another part of the village, Itachi sat eating a bowl of ramen. It wasn't the greatest ramen he'd ever had, but it definitely wasn't the worst. He finished his bowl and ordered another one, earning some strange looks from other customers sitting far away from him. He shot them all glares, to which they all cringed away, and started to eat his seventh bowl that evening. Consuming his food in record time, he slammed the correct amount of money in whatever currency was acceptable and left with his cape- like robe thing billowing behind him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Orochimaru yawned and sat awkwardly on the throne he had made from old cardboard boxes. His head hung upside down and his legs were propped up over the back of the chair. He scratched absently at the rash he had developed on his neck from being exposed to grapefruit juice and sighed. He. Was. Bored. He was completely bored out of his mind. All of his followers, or what he liked to call 'minions', were out doing dastardly deeds in his name, and he was stuck inside the dank hideout with nothing to do at all.
An idea suddenly hit him and he cackled insanely to himself for quite a long time. Eventually running out of breath, he slid down to the floor and sat up abruptly on his seat. Unfortunately, his homemade throne was not as sturdy as one would think, and it caved under his hasty movements. A cloud of dust rose into the air and reminded Orochimaru to have Kabuto clean up the place. He stood and brushed himself off.
'Now to go visit my old friend, Sasuke-kun,' Orochimaru thought gleefully. His brilliance amazed even himself at times. He exited the hideout and almost skipped to his destination, but not before scrawling a note, telling his loyal subjects that he was going out for a midnight stroll and not to come looking for him. It wasn't that he didn't like their company. It was just that they tended to compete with each other for his attention and that was just bloody annoying at times.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Itachi had originally planned to go to his brother's apartment and taunt the poor boy until he said something mildly entertaining, such as, "I WILL kill you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But I WILL kill you, for I *dramatic pose* am an AVENGER!" He could always get a laugh out of Sasuke's melodramatics. However, he was equally surprised and disappointed when he didn't find his brother, but instead, a horde of females trying to kill each other for 'Sasuke-sama''s hair gel flakes. He quickly broke up the crowd and ushered them out of Sasuke's apartment, claiming to be Sasuke's aniki. Several of them swooned while the rest of them made at to glomp him, screaming, "Another Uchiha! He's MINE!" Using a basic Kawarimi, he switched with an unsuspecting, and unlucky, man walking by and quickly blended into the shadows after rounding a corner. A high pitched scream was let out and Itachi almost felt sorry for the man. He really would have to give his brother a break once in a while. To think Sasuke had to avoid this all day and night.
A slight tap on his shoulder made him jump, thinking that he had been found, and he turned to see Orochimaru glaring at him with fire in his eyes. Parts of his clothes were torn off and scratches were everywhere. Orochimaru growled and punched Itachi in the face. "You bastard!"
Itachi hit a wall, but remained standing. "What the hell was that for?!" he asked as if he was being falsely accused, but he knew what had happened. It didn't take a genius, though he was one, to figure out that Orochimaru was the one he had switched places with. He rubbed his sore cheek and returned the heated glare. Orochimaru was unfazed.
"Where's Sasuke-kun?" he hissed. Itachi haughtily walked past the pissed off Sennin and saw the bodies of fangirls littering the hallway. "What? They were irritating. You would've done the same and you know it."
"You DO realize that this one is Sasuke's friend, don't you?" Itachi said, kicking at the lifeless form of a certain pink haired girl. She had 'President Haruno Sakura' on the back of her shirt and it was obvious that she was the leader of the notorious 'Sasuke Faithfuls'.
"And your point is?" Orochimaru said and pointed at a wound, "She BIT me."
Itachi's 'Ahhh...' was interrupted by another group of girls appearing out of nowhere. A blond wearing a shirt with 'Ino + Sasuke-sama = Love' bowed to the two men. "You have ridden us of the vile 'Sasuke Faithfuls'. We are eternally grateful. Now we may pursue our beloved Sasuke- sama without worry of their treacherous ways." The rest of the girls followed suit and gave deep bows. "We must get back to work. Ladies!"
"HAI!" The fangirls vanished, leaving behind a banner that read, 'We Love Sasuke-sama!' Orochimaru shook his head and Itachi sighed.
"Kids these days need to get a life," they said simultaneously.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Sasuke ran like a wild animal, narrowly missing evening pedestrians. He kept on hearing noises behind him and was afraid that he was officially going mental. After seventeen minutes of non-stop running (fear can do that to you), he made it to Naruto's apartment building. Without knocking, he grabbed at the knob and turned it. To his shock, the door flung open and he continued into the apartment, tripping over something and crashing to the floor.
Naruto jumped to his feet, senses alert and ready for any signs of danger. It was dark already, but light came in from the hallway. Wait, the hallway? He went to flick on the lights and was astonished to see Sasuke sitting on his living room floor, clutching his knee. "Dead-last, what the hell were you doing on the damn floor?! And why wasn't your stupid door locked?! Damnit!"
Naruto's anger prickled and he became defensive. "You're asking what I was doing on MY floor?! I should be asking you what YOU'RE doing in my apartment! Bastard!"
"Me?! I'm hiding from Sakura and her idiot followers! They actually made it INTO my apartment this time!" Sasuke shouted. A bump from underneath caused Sasuke to yelp.
"SHUT UP, UP THERE!" An old woman's voice yelled. Naruto paled.
"Sasuke!" he whispered loudly, "Stop being so noisy! That's the manager's aunt! She's been looking for a reason to have me evicted for ages now!"
"Yeah, well, you SHOULD be evicted! NORMAL people don't go lying in front of a doorway, dumb ass!" Sasuke shot back, also whispering.
"You callin' me abnormal now?!"
"And what if I am?!"
"I'm gonna come over there and kick your ass!"
"I'd like to see you go ahead and try!"
"Oh, I will!" Naruto was about to launch himself at Sasuke when suddenly two strong arms wrapped around him from behind. Naruto stiffened and his eyes widened. Sasuke was also a little dumbfounded, but quickly regained his wits and glared.
"Aniki, what are you doing here?!" Sasuke demanded. He was about to attack, but someone was holding onto his shoulders. He whipped his head around and his jaw dropped. "WHAT?! Orochimaru, too?!"
"I just LOVE your warm welcome, Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru said sarcastically. Sasuke cursed inwardly. There was no chance to escape if both his brother and the snake bastard were here. He sighed in defeat.
"Oi, it's RUDE to come in uninvited, you know! And keep it down! The neighbours will get mad!" Naruto finally said harshly, but quietly, bringing everyone's attention to him. Oddly enough, all dark haired men mumbled their apologies. "Someone smells like ramen," Naruto stated all of a sudden. He sniffed the air for a few moments and finally turned to face his restrainer. "You had beef ramen, didn't you? At Ichiraku?"
"HOW did you KNOW?!" Itachi asked, amazed. He not only guessed the place right, but also the flavour of ramen.
"So you really eat there, too?" Naruto asked.
"What do you mean, 'too'? That's my favourite ramen place!" Itachi said proudly.
"You're kidding! It's MY favourite ramen place!" Naruto said, getting excited. A ramen lover rarely ever met another ramen lover, so Naruto hoped that this man really did like ramen as much as he did. He found that he was now grasping the other man's hands in his and they both had the same idea in mind.
"To Ichiraku!" They exclaimed together. Naruto and Itachi linked arms and dragged stunned and confused Sasuke and Orochimaru along behind them. Orochimaru struggled, but even he couldn't break from Itachi's strong grip.
"This manhandling has got to stop!" Orochimaru cried indignantly, earning a few yells from other people inside their own apartments. Realizing that he couldn't get away, he relented.
"Let me go! I don't WANT to go eat ramen with my murdering brother, psychotic megalomaniac, and idiot team mate who doesn't know how to sleep on a mattress!" Sasuke also said. All three stopped to glare at him. He 'eep'-ed and said, "To Ichiraku it is?" which seemed to suffice at the moment.
This night would be a very long and very strange night indeed.
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AN: So how did you like it? Scared? Fascinated? Don't think I can be anymore messed in the head? *wails* I want ItaNaru! If you can't already tell ;P I know I said before that there wouldn't be OrochiSasu, but it's funny when Orochimaru tries to molest Sasuke. XD Expect to see some more of that, but don't worry, it'll just be Oro-chan trying to make Sasuke squirm.
Hehehe, the beginning is cute. Near the end it starts to get weird, no? Well, Sakura's dead, so I don't have to worry about adding her in later. I'm thinking of putting Kakashi and Iruka into the fic. I mean, I DID mention them earlier, and I'll let you guys decide if it's yaoi-ish or not. Heh.
I was trying to write humour, so I'm sorry if you don't think it's funny. I thought it was amusing. *shrugs* But then again, I wrote it.
I fixed the spelling errors (Ichiraku, not Icharaku...silly me. ^^;) and some of the grammar problems, but if you see more, please tell me!
If you've read 'Mistaken Memories', my Orochimaru and Naruto centered fic (but eventual SasuNaru, of course), I just want to say now that all of his minions are dead from the previous attempt to take over, so they won't be appearing anytime soon. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
Now please review! Please? I thrive on reviews. They could inspire me so that I can update my other fics. *hinthint* Well, thanks anyway! Have fun doing whatever it is you do online! Ja!