Sorry for the long delay. Have been v. busy. :-)
Author's Note: I have recently had some very nasty emails regarding my "Secret Diaries" series. Some have even called me a plagiarist and a moron. I do admit – openly, I may add – that the idea was inspired by Cassie Claire's "Very Secret Diaries." However, all my works are MY OWN and have NOT been COPIED from any source. As an additional note, I think I should point out that Cassie got HER inspiration from "Bridget Jones' Diary" so I am neither a moron nor a copyright-infringer. Thank you for not harassing me.
Day 1:
Have had v. bad dream. Stormy. Do not understand meaning. Perhaps watch too many weather forecasts before bed.
Day 2:
Had bad dream again. Will travel to Rivendell to seek meaning. Cheaper than Miss Cleo at $4.95 per minute.
Day 33:
Drat. Have taken wrong turning. Suspect El-Rond McNally map to blame.
Day 57:
Am at last at Rivendell. V. dirty but still hunk. Woo-hoo. Many short people visiting. Perhaps all have had bad dreams. Suspect Elrond has side-business in pint-sized persons' psychoanalysis. V. bitter towards men.
Day 58:
Have discovered am not only man at Council. Drat. Competition not good. But am only full-grown person (excl. Wizard) not in velvet. Go me.
LATER:
Other man claims to be rightful King of Gondor and Arnor. Gondor has no king. Gondor needs me as king. Not scruffy person with worn-out boots.
Day 59:
Elrond has decided to seize Weapon of Mass Destruction from Small Hairy Person. Small Hairy Person should have had HMO coverage.
Am going to accompany destruction party, currently consisting of: me, 1 Wizard, 1 more man, 4 Small Hairy Persons (must remember: are Hobbits), 1 Dwarf, and 1 long-haired Elf. Only hope Elrond does not decide to come. Skirts tripping hazard.
Day 66:
On road a week. Nearly all members of party much dirtier, except for Gimli who started that way. Legolas not dirty.
Day 67:
Cold. Snow caused leather boots to shrink. Other leather garments shrinking too. Ouch.
Day 70:
Have decided to go through large dark Mines of Moria. Gandalf not at all approving. Aragorn awfully eager to go through Moria. Suspicious. Legolas still not dirty.
Day 71:
V. dark. V. cold. Hobbits v. annoying. Legolas still not dirty.
Day 72:
Gimli's cousin dead. Fought many Orcs. Many Orcs dead. Frodo nearly dead. But slew more Orcs than Aragorn. Woo-hoo!
LATER:
Gandalf fallen into shadow. Gandalf almost certainly dead. Balrog possibly dead. Will be dead if do not get out of Mines of Moria. Soon.
Day 73:
Encountered Elves in Lorien. Great. More tall blondes. And none dirty. Suspect Elves have nonstick coating in manner of ducks' backs causing dirt to roll off. Am going to meet Elf-Chick named Galadriel.
LATER:
D*mn. Galadriel also tall blonde. And also not dirty. Perhaps due to magic pool. Had man-to-man talk with Aragorn. "Aloof, unshaven Ranger" says it all. Am sick of quest to destroy Weapon of Mass Destruction. Want to go home.
Day 85:
Have reached crossroads. Aragorn unsure of direction as usual. Hobbits hungry. Gimli grumpy. Legolas…Legolas. Sick of men. Want girls. (Legolas close but not.) Perhaps if took Weapon of Mass Destruction could go home.
LATER:
Approached Frodo Hobbit. He ran away. More Hobbits followed. Brought nasty Uruk-Hai with them. Suspect trouble.
EVEN LATER:
Plus side: have hacked many Uruk-Hai to pieces. Downside: have been shot full of arrows. Scruffy Aragorn finally showed up – after I had slain Uruk-Hai. Aragorn always late. Had male bonding time. Also too late. Am going to die. (Suspected this from beginning.) And Aragorn will be King. Life sucks.