In My Secret Life

By spheeris1

Pairing: Anthy/Utena (light)

Warnings/notes: Anthy POV, angst, slightly unhinged Anthy [prose-like]

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The liquid of life trickles out of my golden watering can,

Showering the petals….showering the buds yet to bloom…..drops of crystal clear

Catching sunlight through the window.

And the sun, it burns onto the bars of this brass cage

Till it blinds you, till it turns the world into……………………….

White……the kind of simple color that can envelope and smother and kill.

-white roses kill, little boys and little girls…didn't I tell you not to touch them?-

I stare at my reflection in the mirror and I want to shatter the glass.

I want to destroy the image that mocks me, the person behind these dull eyes--

I want to kill her.

I want her to die.

Little girl, trapped inside….skewered by the blades of fools, suspended above

The Earth and never dying, never bleeding, never never never never never………….

-red roses kill, little boys and little girls…didn't I tell you, didn't I?!-

Not because I did not try.

Not because I wanted it….no, I wanted you to run away. I wanted to run away, too.

That gate? It is not real. Not like you and I. Not like my love for you.

That castle in the sky? Illusion. Fake. Slight of hand. A magic trick….God, can't you see?

That man whose lips you kiss? He lies, he steals, he cheats, he kills…he kills…he kills….

Me? No, I'm real! Painfully and dreadfully and stupidly real!

Touch my skin and I feel it. Kiss my lips and I can taste it. Hold me and I won't fade away.

I refuse to disappear….not when I have you near me.

-all flowers are traps, all traps are girls, all girls kill….didn't I tell you?-

Ten years from now, we will laugh. And drink tea. And eat cookies.

Ten years is so very far from now, can't you see?

The time will pass and you will die with the rest and I will still be here, forever and ever and ever.

Here, the sun never sets. Here, the clouds never become gray.

Rain and snow only happen for atmosphere, for this grand and twisted play we all act in.

Actors. Bound. Stuck.

I offered you the role of a lifetime and you took without a thought in your pretty head.

Just like the rest…just like him….just like the whole entire universe.

-didn't I tell you? I know I did….that you can't save me, that you can't pluck this rose-

I love you like I love a dream, a nightmare, an achingly real fantasy that gets ripped away.

I love you like the air I wish to breathe, I love you like the sky I wish to see.

And you love me, I can see it in your innocent eyes. They burn with something close

To possessiveness, close to desire, close to ownership……

How could I be in love with you? You, saying you are different and you are so like everyone.

Watching you watching him, seeing comical hearts in your eyes…those eyes I claimed to be innocent….

They speak of sex and lust and…and…..and…..

Why could they not turn to me?

-no, I didn't tell you…I kept silent, I kept still…love can kill, you know? Love can kill-

You whispered into my ear and I turned quickly to face you, in the dark of night and

With your hand in mine, your lips so very close….lips that kiss dangerous men

And silly boys, lips that shine brighter than the heavens….

I'm possessive, too. I want you and no other. You are mine now.

No one else can have you……no one…..And you kiss me because I want you to.

Because, in the end, we are only seeing each other.

-love can kill love can kill…but, maybe…, for you and I, love can give everlasting life…-

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END