THE VIOLINIST OF HAMELN: Slasher's Rhapsody
A Parody by Galaxy Girl
A/N: This fic is both a blatant, cruel parody of "slasher" movies and of slash fan fictions. This fic intends no offense to people of any specific sexual orientation, so please don't take it beyond face value. If you're ready for a good, open-minded laugh at slash fanfics, you're welcome to stay. If you are a slash author who doesn't have a sense of humor and takes offense at people making fun of your craft, leave NOW. I'm not KIDDING. I'm not going to accept flames from people who were too stubborn to take my warning seriously, so be forewarned.
(MANGA STORYLINE)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"GOD, I am so damn HUNGRY I would eat ANYTHING!" Hamel burst out in an incredulous whine for the third time in that span of ten minutes.
"We know, we know..." muttered Trom in an annoyed tone. "We've heard at least 200 times now, Hamel."
"But he's right," Ocarina cut in from her spot in the air directly over Sizer's shoulder. "I'm so hungry I could eat a crow."
"You ARE a crow," Oboe said to her, shaking his head with disgust.
His daughter blinked. "I know. That's how hungry I am."
"We haven't had a decent meal in over a week!" Raiel sighed, kicking a rock in the road ahead of them.
"... But Sizer cooked dinner a few nights ago, Raiel. Don't you remember?" asked Flute, patting Sizer on the back as she spoke.
"He said a DECENT meal," Hamel grumbled.
Flute gasped and spun around to face him, placing her hands on her hips in shock. "Hamel! That was just mean!"
"He does have a point," Sizer cut in, shrugging off the insult. "I only know about 4 recipes that don't involve a great deal of blood."
"Try making some for us sometime," Hamel snorted.
Flute frowned, peering back and forth across the line of their pathetic little party. Everyone looked cranky and starving. Hamel had resorted to chewing on his violin rosin a few miles back. Oboe was too hungry to even explain what was going on. Raiel was walking along almost completely stooped over, defying all laws of physics that dictated that his piano should have squashed him by now. Trom had become extremely grumpy, snapping at anything anybody said that was directed at him. Ocarina flew weakly above Sizer, who was walking along with a tepid sort of smirk on her face. Even Flute herself had to admit that the current conditions were getting her down.
They had left the city of Trill a week and a half ago, after arguing for three hours whether or not to take the left or right fork in the road. One right fork, two mosquito-infested swamps, one very irritable giant frog, three fist-fights, and one hundred percent humidity later, everybody was hot, filthy, cranky, and generally not fun to be around.
"THIS ISN'T THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED!" wailed Hamel dramatically, throwing his arm across his forehead for dramatic effect and nearly knocking Oboe off of him. "I AM THE GREAT HERO OF JUSTICE! I DON'T DESERVE TO WANDER THE ENDLESS BARRENS UNTIL I DIE OF HUNGER!"
"And the rest of us don't matter?" Trom snarled.
"Don't fight, boys," Flute mediated, knowing full and well that pretty soon, someone (most likely Hamel) would attempt to kill someone else (most likely herself) and eat them for food.
"This is miserable, Oboe!" Raiel let out. "We've got to find someplace to rest and get some food before we all die!"
"I agree completely," Sizer groaned. "I'll even offer to use the last of my strength to fly and scout out someplace."
"Hey, good idea, Lady Sizer!" Ocarina piped up. "I'll go too!"
"Yes... In fact, I think that's a great idea," Oboe said, leaving Hamel's shoulder. "Hamel, Raiel, Flute, Trom, you four stay here and wait. The girls and I will fly up and see if we can find someplace close by with food and warm beds."
"Sure, Oboe," Flute nodded, smiling as cheerfully as she had strength left to.
"And hurry it up, will you?" Hamel whined. "It's almost getting dark!"
"Be patient, Ha-chan," Raiel told him. "It won't be much longer..."
"Gee, isn't it funny how the clouds got all dark as soon as we got into the air?" asked Ocarina curiously, glancing around at the quickly shadowing sky around them.
"Yeah, and how lightning and thunder strike whenever I turn my head in this certain direction?" added Sizer, turning her head in that direction for show.
(CRASSSHHHH!!! BOOOOOOOM!)
"And does anyone else hear organ music?" queried Oboe.
"From over there, Daddy," Ocarina said, pointing with her wing in the direction Sizer was looking.
Sizer squinted her eyes and placed one hand on her forehead to block the raindrops that had begun to pitter-patter down across the muggy, humid stretches of land that they had been lost in for a week and a half. She hovered in the air there for a moment, and then her eyes lit up.
"OCARINA! OBOE! Look!" Sizer let out excitedly. "There's a house over there!"
"A house?! Where?!" asked Ocarina, nearly having a heart attack in her thrill at the good news.
"Right over there! A huge one! And there's smoke coming from the chimney!" Sizer cried happily.
"Someone's living there! And it's only a little ways away through those trees!" Oboe affirmed. "Come on, let's hurry back and tell the others before Hamel decides to eat one of them!"
"... Too late," Ocarina said quietly a moment later, as they landed back in the clearing where they'd left four of the Five Great Hopes.
Flute was screaming through her gag as she sat lashed to a tree with thick rope from nowhere. Trom was hanging by his feet over Hamel's donabe, which was filled up with boiling water. And Hamel himself was lazily plucking pizzicato notes on his violin as he turned a spit, upon which sat Raiel, shrieking loudly through the apple stuffed in his mouth. A raging fire was burning below him, and getting very close to lighting his robes on fire.
"HAMEL! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MORON?!" Oboe screamed, launching himself right in his face.
"Hmm? Oh. Making dinner," Hamel replied nonchalantly, splashing a healthy amount of Tabasco sauce on Raiel.
Sizer and Ocarina stayed back, both of them raising their eyebrows so much that they almost got lost in their hair and feathers, respectively. Neither of them knew that this sort of thing happened a lot.
"YOU DON'T COOK YOUR FRIENDS!" Oboe yelled, promptly slugging Hamel in the face with his own violin. "LET THEM GO RIGHT NOW!"
To make a long story short, Hamel released Flute, Trom and Raiel.
Raiel quickly grabbed his piano and hit Hamel over the head with it. "HA-CHAN, YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT DO ME!?"
"Two eggs, half a cup of milk, a little Tabasco sauce..." Hamel went on, counting on his fingers and ignoring the tremendous wound on his head.
"The really sad thing is, I think I'm used to it by now," Flute sighed sadly, wringing the teriyaki sauce out of her hat.
Trom was pouting over in a corner, too furious to say or do anything remotely worth writing about.
"You're too impatient, Hamel!" Oboe scolded, fluttering around his head angrily. "You're too hasty! I CANNOT believe you did that!"
Grabbing Oboe by the body, Hamel squeezed. "I'm REALLY not in the mood, you stupid crow..."
"Hamel, we found a house," Sizer said quickly, knowing that Oboe was going to die in a moment if she didn't speak up.
The reaction from the other four was incredible. Eyes wide, lips quivering, all four of them snapped immediately to attention, dropping any crows or heavy musical instruments they were planning to kill or kill someone with, respectively. "A HOUSE?!" they shrieked. "WHERE?"
"About 50 yards that way," Ocarina said proudly. "Lady Sizer found it. And someone's living there, too!"
"I LOVE YOU!" shrieked Trom, unable to hold in hits wits any longer, clutching Sizer close to him and bursting into tears.
"Um... thanks," shrugged Sizer, not sure what else to do. She patted the young prince on the back and let him sob into her leg.
"Hurry, let's go!" Flute cried cheerfully. "They might be cooking dinner!"
Without so much as a word, but with a calm smile, Hamel recovered his violin and hurried off after the others, pushing through the trees in a big clump.
Meanwhile, the camera panned outwards and away from our heroes, zooming in on the house off in the distance as lightning, thunder, and loud organ music blared in the background.
"That's a nice house," Trom blinked, staring up at it.
It was a large, fairly worn-in mansion-style house, reminiscent of the one in the Addams Family movies. Old, holy pieces of wood were nailed sloppily all over the sides, some of them having rotted out or completely through. Cobwebs were strung about the few trees in the yard, which were overgrown and pretty dead-looking. Rickety, creaking shutters were nailed to the windows, most of which were grimy and dirty and some of which were broken. And all around the house was a generally creepy aura, what with the thunderstorm and the howling wind and the organ music that echoed so loudly through the old house it was a surprise that it wasn't knocked over.
"Wow. Someone cleans like your mom, Raiel," Hamel whistled.
Raiel blinked grumpily. "...That was unnecessary, Ha-chan."
"I don't care WHAT it looks like!" Ocarina let out, waving her wing at Raiel and Hamel. "I'm going inside!"
Sizer scratched her head. "Sorry... I didn't see that it was such a dump from up in the air."
"An honest mistake, Lady Sizer," Ocarina consoled her.
"But at least it's somewhere to stay," Oboe pointed out.
Flute, however, was frozen in terror just looking at the old house. With wide, frightened eyes, she tugged on Hamel's cape. "H-Hamel... I don't like the looks of this place."
"Don't be a chicken," he snapped at her. "As long as they have beds and food, I don't care."
"Y-yeah..." Trom chuckled nervously, tugging on Flute's skirt. "I don't like this place either."
"You two can sleep outside, if it's really bothering you that much," suggested Hamel.
"You wouldn't really leave Trom and me outside, would you Hamel?" asked Flute.
"I'm freaking hungry. I'm going in," Hamel said crankily, throwing open the creaking old gate and stepping onto the property.
The moment he did, thunder and lightning shot across the sky and the organ music got even louder for a brief second. Trom leaped up into Flute's arms in fright, and everyone else jumped back in surprise.
(CRASSSHHHH!!! BOOOOOOOM!)
Hamel stood in place, gazing up at the house and taking another step forward.
More thunder and lightning and organ music.
(CRASSSHHHH!!! BOOOOOOOM!)
"... That's kind of cool," Hamel commented, reaching back and grabbing Raiel by the collar. "Look at this."
He pulled Raiel forward, and the moment Raiel touched the property, another thunderclap and even louder organ music crashed for just a brief second.
Raiel blinked in surprise. "Hey, that is sort of neat!"
He and Hamel continued walking across the yard, as he motioned them to follow. "Come on, guys. Ha-chan and I will go first, in case there's some evil monster to kill or something."
"How kind," Sizer smiled, blushing a little.
Raiel clutched at his nose.
"I think this place may be an inn," Ocarina stated, still hovering in the air outside the gate.
"What makes you say that?" asked Oboe.
"Look at this sign. It's a welcome sign!" Ocarina smiled.
"What does it say?" asked Flute, leaning over to read it.
"It says 'Abandon all hope ye who enter here'!" Ocarina chuckled.
Flute blinked and a tremendous knot formed in her stomach. "Oh God."
"Flute, I'm not going in there without you," Trom said weakly, still grabbing onto her skirt.
Taking a deep breath, Flute clenched her fists. "Don't worry, Trom... I'm not going to let a stupid creepy house scare me..."
"Good for you, Flute!" Oboe congratulated her, perching on her shoulder.
"Thanks, Oboe!" Flute smiled, thoroughly pleased with her own courage.
"You go first," Oboe added.
"Heeellooooooooooooo?" called Ocarina into the worn-down interior of the house. "Anybody here?"
Raiel eyed what looked like a reception desk to the right of the front door. A dusty, cobwebby bell was set there. Tapping the button, it made a shrill dinging noise that echoed all through the house. "Hello?" he called afterwards.
Flute jumped at a creaky floorboard just inside the door, and found herself grabbing onto Sizer in her terror. Trom was still behind her, still grabbing onto her skirt.
Sizer peered back over her shoulder. "It's okay, Flute. We won't let any monster get you."
"Thanks, Sizer..." Trom sighed with slight relief.
"That's not what I'm worried about," Flute said under her breath. "I just know Hamel is going to try to..."
At that second, something grabbed her leg.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!" she shrieked.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!" Trom shrieked, upon hearing Flute shriek.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH- HAMEL!" Flute shrieked, stomping on his hand with all her might.
"OW! GOD! I was just kidding!" Hamel snarled, clutching at his wounded hand.
Raiel, Sizer, Oboe and Ocarina cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Why did I know that you were going to do that?" Flute screamed at him, placing her hands on her hips indignantly.
Hamel stuck his tongue out at her immaturely, and stomped back up in front of the group. "It doesn't look like anyone else is here," he snapped.
"But we saw the smoke in the chimney," Ocarina argued. "Someone must be here."
"I don't know..." Oboe said quietly. "Something about this place... I don't like it here..."
"Aw, come on, Daddy, don't be a fraidy-cat," Ocarina told him. She closed her eyes, vanished, and reappeared a moment later in her human form, brushing her blue hair out of her eyes. "We'll just tell whoever's hiding in here that there are three gorgeous women waiting for them to come help us!"
"There could be four," suggested Hamel, patting the costume bag on his back and glancing at Raiel.
"Stay the hell away from me," Raiel threatened.
"Shouldn't we leave, if no one is here?" asked Flute nervously.
"No, someone HAS to be here!" Ocarina pouted, crossing her arms. "There was smoke in the chimney! I say we split up and have a look around."
"ARE YOU CRAZY!?" screamed Trom.
"What?" asked Ocarina.
"SPLIT UP?! SPLIT UP?! That is the WORST plan in the history of the world! Splitting up NEVER ends well!" Trom shrieked, grabbing her by the collar and pulling her down to his eye-level. "Someone ALWAYS gets attacked by a monster, or kidnapped, or murdered, or captured by the villain! WORST... PLAN... EVER!"
"I somehow doubt that Demon King Kestra is in this house," Sizer said pointedly.
"But I think Trom's right. We should all stay together, at least for now," Oboe said sagely.
No sooner had he'd said that, Ocarina was disappearing behind a corner down a hallway to the left.
"OCARINA!" her father yelled.
"Ugh..." Sizer sighed. "Ocarina, come back!" She broke into a run down the same hallway Ocarina had disappeared down.
"Now is when the killer starts picking off his victims one by one..." Hamel whispered in an eerie voice.
"Quit trying to scare me, Hamel!" Trom snapped.
No sooner had he'd said that, when the Five Great Hopes heard two bloodcurdling screams coming from the general direction of the hall Sizer and Ocarina had disappeared down.
"OCARINA!" Oboe screamed loudly.
"SIZER!" Raiel screamed, equally loudly.
"THEY'RE IN TROUBLE!" Flute gasped, breaking into a run towards the hallway.
Hamel growled and pushed in front of her, preparing his violin in case he would need it. "RAIEL, LET'S GO!"
Raiel was right behind him, flinging his piano in front of him in preparation to use it.
"SEE?! I TOOOLD YOU!" Trom yelled from behind as he readied a sword.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ocarina's voice cut in from the room behind a thick pair of doors behind the corner.
"OH MY GOD, THE HUMANITY!" Sizer's voice joined in.
"SIZER, OCARINA!" Flute cried, throwing herself against the doors.
"OUT OF THE WAY, FLUTE!" Hamel yelled, kicking one of them open very dramatically to meet the terrific sight before them...
Sizer and Ocarina running back and forth along a long, elegantly decorated table, loading up two fine china plates with heaps and heaps of steaming, freshly-made food.
A loud crash sounded from the hallway.
"You guys! Look at all this food!" Ocarina cried excitedly. "It was just sitting here, waiting for us! And there's a fire in here, I told you someone lived here!"
"OH MY GOD, THE HUMANITY!" Sizer let out, crying happy tears. "SOME WONDERFULLY KIND PERSON LEFT IT ALL HERE FOR US!"
"HELL YES!" Hamel cried, forgiving the false alarm and flinging himself at the china plates. Within seconds, he was down the buffet line filling one up for himself.
Flute, Trom and Oboe stared dumbfounded at the three of them.
"That joke was a direct rip-off of that one Sorcerer Hunters manga," Oboe said quietly.
"I think the author knows that," Flute chimed in.
"Well, who cares. As long as we've finally got food that isn't made by Sizer and isn't made out of one of us!" Trom said happily, rushing in to get some food for himself.
Oboe shrugged, and glanced at Flute and Raiel, still standing in the doorway. "Well... as long as it's here, I guess... We'll need to thank our host, whenever he or she shows his or her face, of course," he said logically, flying over to the table and finding, to his delight, a large plate of fruit. Crows like fruit, apparently.
"Are you going to eat anything, Raiel?" asked Flute, shuffling from foot to foot.
"My mother told me never to eat food from nowhere," Raiel replied. "I don't like the looks of this... All this food just sitting out here, and no one here to eat it besides us... Keep your guard up, Flute."
"I will, most definitely," Flute nodded.
A few seconds later, she was upon the buffet as well, filling up her plate with a lot of small cakes and pastries.
Raiel sighed, and pulled up a chair against the wall. If he wasn't going to eat, at least he could enjoy the smell of the food.
But it's a pity that neither Raiel nor any of the other heroes didn't see the eyes watching them from the shadows... If they had, this whole mess could have been prevented, and this story would not exist.
But they didn't, it wasn't, and... well, here we are.
To make a long story a bit shorter, the six of them (not Raiel) stuffed their faces for a while, and then set to exploring the rest of the house to try and find their mysterious host (Raiel was there for that part). Search of room after room revealed not a trace of any life, and they were especially puzzled when they found the kitchen, dusty and looking as though no one had been in there for a long time.
"This doesn't make any sense!" Flute pondered. "How could all of that food been there hot if no one's been in the kitchen forever?"
"Take out?" suggested Ocarina.
"I'm really confused..." Sizer murmured. "I thought for sure we'd find someone here when we found all that food..."
"Maybe they're following us," offered Oboe.
This was apparently the wrong thing to say, as the other six immediately backed against the wall and peered behind them suspiciously.
"... It was just a guess," Oboe sighed.
"It's getting darker out," Raiel said quietly, gazing out of one of the dusty windows. "It's nightfall by now, and it's thundering outside. We can't leave here now."
"We can if our 'host' is going to kill us as soon as he finds out we're here!" Trom shivered.
"Don't' say stupid things like that," Hamel snapped, thumping him in the forehead with two fingers. "Why would he have fed us if he was just going to kill us?"
"Maybe he wants to eat us, too..." Ocarina guessed morbidly.
The seven of them were now in an upstairs corridor, wandering around and gazing into dark rooms to look for silhouettes, all of them too nervous to actually go inside the rooms, or turn on a light for that matter.
They passed a closed door, and all jumped a foot in the air when they heard a loud thump from inside.
All seven of them backed up against the railing on the balcony, shaking like crazy.
"SOMEONE'S IN THERE!" Raiel gasped.
"HE'S GONNA KILL US!" Flute shrieked in terror.
"MOMMY!" Trom screamed, clutching at Flute's skirt again.
Hamel smiled heroically and stepped forward. "I AIN'T SCARED!" he cried, kicking in the door dramatically and flicking on the light switch just inside the door.
(For convenience purposes, we'll pretend that Hamel and Co. have electricity.)
TO REVEAL...
A BEDROOM!
A rather nicely furnished bedroom, with three single beds, pink bedspreads and curtains.
Blinking in surprise, Hamel spoke. "It's just a girl's room."
"Why is this room so nice when the rest of the house is a dump?" asked Sizer in an annoyed tone.
"Look, girls, there's just enough beds for the three of you!" Raiel pointed out.
"Whoever our mystery host is, I don't think he'll mind if we spend the night here," Oboe assured them. "After all, he has already fed us."
"So... ah... Where are you boys going to sleep?" asked Flute.
Trom had, in a rare display of courage for him so far, wandered down the hallway a bit and slowly opened the door to another room. Flipping on the lights, he looked confused. "There's another bedroom here with three more beds and a birdcage," he announced.
"Perfect!" Ocarina smiled. "You boys sleep in there, and we girls will sleep in here. They're right next door to each other, so we can hear each other if something happens."
"I guess we'd better get some sleep so we can get into Forte tomorrow," Raiel yawned, heading down the hallway towards the designated boy's room. "Goodnight, girls."
"Goodnight Raiel. Goodnight Trom. Goodnight Oboe. Goodnight, Hamel," Flute said shyly, waving to them as she disappeared into the girl's room. "Oooh, the beds are so fluffy!"
"Goodnight everybody," Sizer finally interrupted, seeing that it would take forever if everyone did it Flute's way.
"Oh, ah... Hamel?" Flute cut in, leaning out of the door and stopping him from entering his room.
"What?" he asked.
"Um... goodnight," she smiled, popping back into her room. "Be careful."
Hamel snorted at Flute's concern and headed into his own room, where Raiel, Oboe and Trom had already staked out their designated sleeping places.
Hamel blinked, and glared at Oboe. "... Oh, HELL no. Get in the birdcage, you little bed hog."
Oboe grumbled and flew off of the bed and over to the birdcage, shutting the door and closing himself inside.
Hamel flopped down onto his designated bed and stared up at the ceiling while Trom and Raiel got ready for bed. He almost took his hat off, but then, thinking better of it, adjusted it so the brim fell over his face.
"Ha-chan?" Raiel said out of nowhere as he hung his hat on a convenient hat rack nearby.
"Hmm?" replied Hamel, still staring at the ceiling.
"Don't you think this is a little weird?" he asked. "I mean... all of the food laid out here for us... these rooms completely neat and in order. And no one here. I feel like... I don't know. Like something's strange."
"You're not the only one," Trom cut in. "It's nice that we found this place, but I'm a little nervous staying here."
"You two are scared?" Hamel snorted. "Heh... poor little boys. Don't worry. I'll protect you," he went on in a mocking sing-song voice.
"I'm serious, Ha-chan," Raiel said, frowning.
"I'm not," Hamel yawned. "If anything happens, you're all on your own."
Trom scowled at Hamel and rolled over to fall asleep, in disbelief that he was such a jerk. But Oboe and Raiel knew this was normal behavior for him.
"Goodnight, Ha-chan," Raiel chuckled, sliding under the covers and blowing out the lamp on the bedside table.
"Goodnight, boys," Oboe said, closing one eye, then the other.
Hamel waited a good length of time until he could hear Raiel snoring, and Trom and Oboe's quiet breathing. Then sitting up, he peered around the room suspiciously.
Something wasn't right in this place... and Hamel was determined to figure out what it was.
He jumped to his feet as quietly as he could, grabbing his violin and bow from where he'd propped them against the wall. Then, silent as he could, he tiptoed to the door and slid it open, wincing at the loud creak it made.
Out in the hallway, he briefly peered through the keyhole of the girl's room. He could barely make out Flute's sleeping figure in the bed closest to the door. Nodding as though to affirm that everything was well, he stood up and walked down the stairs into the main foyer of the house.
The thunderstorm outside had picked up even worse. Thunder and lightning shook the house every minute, and Hamel could hear rain falling in torrential sheets against the battered roof. Shaking his head, the violinist continued to walk, taking a left and heading to the corridor across from the one that led to the dining room.
As he entered that corridor, sealed shut by a door, Hamel could feel a pair of eyes watching him. An eerie, evil chill ran its way down his spine, and he spun around to make sure that he wasn't being followed.
A thump sounded from a door to his left.
Heart pounding, Hamel held up the bow of his violin to protect himself should the need arise.
"Who's there?" he asked in a hissing voice.
No answer, just another thump from the closet.
Hamel tapped the door with his bow. "WHO'S THERE?" he asked again.
Another thump.
"GOD DAMMIT, ANSWER ME!" Hamel yelled, placing one gloved hand on the doorknob.
Another thump.
Taking a deep breath and saying a brief prayer, Hamel wrenched the doorknob to the left, threw it open...
A flash of lightning lit up the hallway, and the figure standing in the closet.
"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Hamel screeched in terror.
"AAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Trom, caught completely off guard.
"HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!" Hamel snarled, grabbing the prince by the hair and throwing him out of the closet and onto the floor.
Trom landed with a thump, his blue hair standing completely on end and his eyes wide with fright. "HA-HAMEL!? IT WAS YOU?!"
"What are you TALKING about?!" Hamel growled, furious. "You scared the shit out of me! What in the hell are you doing in the closet?!"
"I followed you out!" Trom explained, rubbing the back of his head. "I knew you were going to try and scare Flute again!"
"I was NOT!" Hamel cried indignantly. "I was going to look for whoever lives here!"
"Yeeeaaah, sure," Trom said smugly. "I followed you so I could stop you before you disrupt Flute's beauty sleep."
"Well you scared the living daylights out of me," Hamel snapped. "What were you hiding in the closet for?"
"I thought you were the killer," Trom admitted.
"What killer? Don't be an idiot," Hamel snorted. "There's no killer."
But he apparently did not convince Trom, whose very eyes were getting bigger as his face became very pale. His mouth dropped open in shock.
Hamel paused, watching the expression on the young prince's face turn to one of utter terror. "... What the hell are you looking at me like that for?"
But if only Hamel knew that Trom was NOT looking at him. He was looking BEHIND him.
"TH-TH-TH-TH..." Trom stuttered as his hair stood on end.
A shadow raised up behind Hamel... a shadow of a tall, gangly figure wearing a glow in the dark hockey mask and carrying a machete.
"Trom, what's the matter with you?" Hamel demanded, placing his hands on his hips.
"THE KILLEEEEERRRRR!" Trom squealed, leaping backwards and slamming face-first into the wall, following immediately afterwards with a painful-looking plop onto the ground.
Hamel comprehended his words just in time to turn around and see the machete headed right for him. "WHOA GOD!" he screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!"
-SLASH!-
"HAMEL!" yelled Trom, watching his "friend's" body hit the floor.
A maniacal laugh sounded, and the maniac it belonged to raised his machete over Trom's head.
"OH MY GOD! NO... NO... AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
-SLASH!-
(Thunder and lightning)
Raiel's eyes bolted open when he heard the scream from downstairs. A cold sweat was running down his face, and his whole body felt hot. A terrible chill was coursing its way through his body, like he had just waken up from a terrible nightmare. Taking a deep breath, he peered around the room to see what had happened.
"Raiel, did you hear that?" Oboe burst out from the corner.
"Wh-what was that?!" Raiel gasped.
"Oh... Lord... Where are Hamel and Trom?!" gaped Oboe, flapping his wings frantically.
Raiel flung his head right and left, searching desperately for his friends. Seeing one of them, he took a deep, deep breath. "PHEW... Ha-chan's right here, next to me..."
Oboe's eyes widened, as did Raiel's, when he realized where exactly Hamel was.
"... In bed... with me... without... any clothes on..." Raiel stammered, taking the risk to glance down.
Hamel was indeed next to him, naked, clutching onto his arm. Sleeping peacefully, his horn had been decorated with a cute pink bow tie.
"WAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Raiel.
"OH DEAR GOD!" screamed Oboe.
"Don't be so loud..." whined Hamel, opening his eyes just in time to see Raiel's face explode in a dizzying color-burst of crimson, his head fall backwards, and his body hit the floor immediately afterwards.
"HAMEL WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!" Oboe shrieked. "REALLY, YOU'VE PICKED ON RAIEL THAT WAY BEFORE BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH!"
"What are you talking a-" he'd started to growl as he sat up, when he noticed a draft in the room. "Wait a sec... WHY AM I NAKED?!"
"Good question!" squawked Oboe.
"DEAR GOD, WHY AM I NAKED NEXT TO RAIEL?!" Hamel screamed, quite panicked at the situation. He leaped out of Raiel's bed and back to his own, where strangely, all of his clothes were strewn. Grabbing his hat off of the pillow, his used it to cover up a vital area.
"A VERY good question!" Oboe squawked again. "You've got some explaining to do! If your MOTHER were here right now..."
"Oboe, I swear to GOD I didn't do this!" Hamel cried indignantly. "I'm not GAY! Especially not with RAIEL! I did NOT strip naked and get in bed with him!"
"Oh, and I suppose a lunatic in a hockey mask with a machete put you in there with him?" Oboe burst out.
"Actually, YES!" Hamel cried, dropping down behind the bed to get dressed. "That's EXACTLY what happened!"
"You expect me to believe a stupid story like that!?" Oboe yelled. "Get dressed and let me out of this birdcage before Raiel dies of blood loss!"
The Warrior of Love's nosebleed had entered its second stage, where he started twitching and murmuring things.
"I'm serious, Oboe!" Hamel said quickly. "I went out to the hallway downstairs to look for whoever's house this is, and Trom followed me there, then this nutbag with a hockey mask attacked us both with a machete! I blacked out, and when I woke up... well, you know!" he finished dramatically, throwing his arms into the air as he pulled on his shirt.
"So Trom can vouch for you?" said Oboe darkly, his eyes narrowing.
"Yeah! Go find him!" Hamel yelled, ripping off the pink bow tie, slipping his hat back over his horn and leaping over all three beds to tend to Raiel.
But that proved unnecessary, as a second bloodcurdling scream sounded from the room next door.
Hamel had barely placed a hanky to Raiel's nose when his friend popped up into a seated position, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head. "SIZER-SAN!" he gaped.
The door of the boy's room flew open and Trom raced inside, covering up his bare privates with both hands and screaming in terror. Sizer flew in a moment later like a bat out of hell, scythe blazing and aiming in Trom's general direction. "YOU PERVERTED LITTLE BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU!"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Trom yelled desperately, leaping over the beds and ducking behind Hamel for protection. "SAVE ME, HAMEL!"
Hamel and Oboe both blinked confusedly as Sizer pointed accusingly at Trom. "That little pervert was in bed with me! NAKED!"
"I CAN EXPLAIN!" Trom cried, clutching at Hamel's cape.
"Well you'd better, AND FAST!" Sizer screeched.
Trom yanked on Hamel's cape, nearly strangling him. "Hamel, you tell them! The guy in the hockey mask with the machete got me!"
"SEE?!" Hamel cried, pointing at the stark naked prince. "I told you, Oboe! I was telling the truth!"
"You're SERIOUS, Trom?" asked Oboe in disbelief.
"Absolutely!" Trom said, raising one hand in a solemn pledge. "I would never do a thing like this on my own!"
There was a moment of silence, where Sizer took a couple of deep breaths and lowered her scythe.
"Well, we know Trom is telling the truth..." Oboe murmured.
"I told you that same story," Hamel barked jealously.
"But Trom isn't a habitual liar," Oboe shot back.
Hamel was about to yell something at the crow, when Raiel (who had somehow recovered) interrupted him. "Ha-Ha-chan! Look at this!" he gasped.
"What?" asked Hamel, glancing down.
Raiel had his hands on Trom's back. "Turn around, Trom." he said. "Look at this big slash on his back! That wasn't there earlier when you got dressed for bed."
"What slash?" asked Trom, trying to gaze over his own shoulder.
Sure enough, going all across Trom's back from left shoulder blade to right hip was a nasty-looking slash mark, the sort that could be made by a machete.
"They ARE telling the truth, Oboe, Sizer!" Raiel explained. "Ha-chan, come here!"
Hamel tried to fight him off, but Raiel succeeded in pulling up Hamel's shirt and cape. An equally painful-looking slash mark was on his back.
Oboe's eyes were wide. "So they were... telling the truth..."
"TOLD YOU," Trom and Hamel said angrily.
"First Raiel and Hamel... it makes sense. They're friends, so slashers take it to mean that they are gay..." Oboe murmured, as though he was trying to figure it out.
Raiel and Hamel gave each other disgusted glances.
"Then Sizer and Trom... that makes sense too. Trom used to hate her... and in the demented mind of a slasher, hate means love..."
Trom wrinkled his nose at Sizer and Sizer scowled at him before she spoke.
"So you're telling me..." she said quietly, "That there is a stark raving lunatic in this house with a hockey mask and a machete who attacks people, and his victims end up naked in bed with someone else."
"That is the single stupidest thing I've ever heard," Hamel snorted.
"We've got a complete nutcase on our hands," Oboe snarled disapprovingly. "Someone let me out of here... We've got to get out of here before one of us gets seriously scarred for life."
-SLASH!-
He was interrupted by another blood-curdling scream from the girl's room.
"OH NO! I left Ocarina and Flute alone!" Sizer gasped, spinning around and speeding back into the hallway. "RINA! FLUTE!"
"Let's go," Hamel suggested, leaping over the bed again and nodding to Raiel, who stood up, blew his nose in a hanky, and grabbed his hat.
Trom scampered over and let Oboe out of the cage, and he took into the air behind Hamel. "Trom, stay together with us from now on, all right? There's safety in numbers," Oboe ordered.
"Okay, Oboe," Trom saluted.
"And... um... I suggest you put on a tie," Oboe added, glancing at him strangely.
Trom sighed and pulled the sheet off of his bed, wrapping it around himself like a toga and hurrying after them.
Flute was backed up against the headboard of her bed, turned absolutely pale. Draped across her was a naked (but for censorship and rating reasons, completely covered) figure of a young Mazoku girl with pale blue wings and hair. Across her back was a vicious red slash mark.
And suspiciously, the window of the room was shattered from the outside. Rain was pouring in, and muddy footprints lined the sill and floor around it.
Sizer twitched the door of the room open dramatically, and her eyes twitched uncontrollably at the sight before her. "Aaa-aaaa-AAH!"
Hamel appeared behind her, and made a face. "Ewwww... Kinky."
"GET HER OFF OF MEEEE!" Flute squealed.
Ocarina stirred, sitting up slowly and blinking, a little surprised to be so close to Flute. "Mmm... what's... * twitch* ... OH MY GOD!"
"PLEASE GET OFF OF ME!" Flute pleaded.
"EWWWWW!" Ocarina shrieked, grabbing the blankets from behind her and wrapping herself in them, leaping away from Flute and landing on the floor in her surprise. "WHAT... WHAT AM I DOING!?"
"He got her too..." Raiel said in a nasally voice, shaking his head as he appeared in the doorway. He was holding one hand over his eyes and the other was pinching his nostrils shut. "Whad are we gudda do, Habel?"
Hamel scowled, attempting to come up with one of his famous plans as Ocarina grabbed her clothes from where they had been scattered around the room. Trom joined her, finding his clothes strewn about near Sizer's bed.
Flute was sobbing in disbelief. "WHAT'S GOING ON?!" she wailed. "HA-HAMEL, I'M SCARED!"
"I'm SO SORRY, Flute!" Ocarina said over and over again as she ducked behind the curtains to get dressed. "I swear, I didn't mean to!"
"The hockey mask guy must have climbed up the back of the house and broken through the window... Ocarina, your bed is closest, so he attacked you..." Hamel said, pointing at all the pieces of evidence as they came up.
"That one came out of nowhere... I'm convinced, everyone. We've got a slasher on our hands..." Oboe said darkly as he landed on Hamel's shoulder, his eyes narrowing. "No one is safe. No matter how illogical it may seem... Some loon is running around, putting people together..."
"We'd better all stick together from now on!" Sizer said, nodding to affirm it to herself. "If we're all paying attention, there's no way that idiot can strike again!"
"S-so someone in this house... I-is a slasher?" Flute stammered.
-SLASH!-
"Yes..." said Hamel hazily, his eyes becoming truly serious for the first time in the course of this fanfiction. "And we won't stop until we've brought that nut to justice..."
"I say we get the hell out of here!" Trom piped up, adjusting his headpiece as he stepped out from behind the other curtain.
"We can't go out in this storm," Sizer sighed. "We'll all be washed away. We've got to at least wait until morning."
"That is the most skewed logic I've ever heard," Trom argued. "It's not raining THAT hard! Let's get out of here before someone else gets slashed! It's NOT pleasant, believe you me."
"Let's find that guy!" Ocarina growled as she stepped from behind her curtain. "He's gonna pay for this! We'll split up into two search parties and..."
"NO SPLITTING UP!" Trom cried. "WORST... PLAN... EVER!"
Flute, who was sitting on her bed and getting her wits about her throughout this entire conversation, suddenly lost them again as she pointed at the doorframe. "WHERE DID RAIEL GO?"
The entire party spun around to see a small pool of blood where there had once been standing a Warrior of Love.
"And where's my dad?!" gasped Ocarina, pointing at Hamel's shoulder, which was now empty.
Hamel glanced at his shoulder and freaked out. "HE WAS THERE JUST A MINUTE AGO!"
"OH NO!" Trom gulped. "THEY'VE BEEN SLASHED!"
To confirm Trom's guess, there was a loud, messy-sounding SPLURT from downstairs.
"HURRY UP, LET'S GO!" Ocarina yelled. "DADDY, HANG ON!"
The door to the pantry in the dining room swung open just in time for our heroes to catch a glimpse of a tall, bare-assed, black-winged Mazoku leaping behind a table, and then a small, black-feathered crow come fluttering out a moment later with a tiny slash across his front. "I DIDN'T DO IT!" Oboe cried. "I DIDN'T DO IT!"
Lying on the floor, thankfully covered up with a box of cereal, was a blond young man laying in a pool of his own blood, which was spurting heavily out of his nose.
"Oh, my GOD. That's DISGUSTING," Hamel spat, shaking his head as Oboe was grabbed out of the air by his daughter, who held him close.
"OH DADDY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?! THEY MADE YOU TRANSFORM AND GET NAKED, MY POOR DADDY!" Ocarina squealed.
Trom shook his head sadly and pulled the white tablecloth off of the table that Oboe had hidden behind and folded it up, placing it under Raiel's nose. It quickly turned blood red. Across Raiel's bare chest was the telltale slash. He began scooping up Raiel's abandoned hat, robes, pants, ascot and underwear.
"Poor, poor Raiel... poor, poor Oboe..." Trom sobbed.
"Now he's got two random male characters... This madman will stop at nothing!" Oboe yelled incredulously. "What will this psychopath think of next?!"
-SLASH!-
Hamel wasn't paying attention anymore. He turned around, with wide eyes, and let out a deep sigh. "Did we leave Sizer and Flute alone?"
Ocarina's eyes nearly bugged out. "What?"
"They're in the dining room now. Naked. Too close for comfort," Hamel sighed, as though he was expecting it.
"LADY SIZER!" gagged Ocarina.
"Ohhhh, Flute," Hamel sighed, shaking his head.
"Unnhhh..."
"Ow, my back..."
"..."
"..."
"SIZER?"
"FLUTE?"
"EEEUUGH!"
"YEEEUCK!"
There was a loud ripping noise.
Sizer stomped into the pantry a moment later, covering up her body with one half of the tablecloth from the dining room table, and carrying her scythe in the other hand. "That bastard's goin' DOWN."
Flute walked in a moment later, scowling, looking noticeably uncomfortable, even as she covered her body with the other half of the tablecloth. "I want this jerk DEAD! Or very, VERY badly injured!"
"Two female leads... BASTARD!" Hamel cursed.
"That's it! We've all got to pay EXTREME attention from this moment on! This guy seems to be able to lurk in the shadows and pop up out of nowhere!" Oboe said seriously. "If we turn our backs on one of the others for even a moment..."
-SLASH!-
-THUMP-
"TROM, GET OFF OF RAIEL, NOW!" Flute screamed, kicking his unconscious, naked body with her foot.
The party spun around to see Trom, once again having been slashed, had shed all of his clothing and now had an x-shaped pair of slashes across his back.
"Two attractive males... Good God... he's getting WORSE," Oboe shuddered.
"THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!" Hamel yelled angrily. "There is NO WAY this guy could be in here with us! It's not humanly possible to move as fast as he does!"
"Don't you understand, Hamel!?" Flute sobbed. "IT'S A SLASHER MOVIE! THIS IS A SLASHER MOVIE! NOTHING HAS TO MAKE SENSE!"
"Get a hold of yourself, Flute!" Sizer cried. "We'll get through this!"
The party formed an outward-facing circle, slowly backing in around the unconscious bodies of Trom and Raiel. That way, no one would have their backs to The Slasher hiding in the shadows.
"Now... listen to me very carefully... very slowly..." Oboe ordered, "... Very slowly, two of us are going to turn around and get Trom and Raiel dressed."
"I'll do Trom," Flute offered.
"Raiel," shrugged Sizer.
"Good," Oboe continued. "Then... We are going to very carefully, very slowly, walk, as a unit, out to the dining room. There, Sizer and Flute will very carefully, very slowly get dressed."
"Got it," nodded Ocarina.
"Then, very slowly and very carefully, we are going to head upstairs, get all of our things, and get the hell out of here," Oboe finished.
"Now wait, is that very slowly and very carefully, or very carefully and very slowly?" asked Hamel with a cheesy grin.
"Now is NOT the time, Hamel!" Flute pouted.
"Ready?" asked Oboe.
The party nodded.
"Go," Oboe ordered.
Very slowly and very carefully, they inched their way over the bodies of Raiel and Trom. On the count of three, Flute and Sizer spun around and attempted to dress the two unconscious boys. Hamel, Ocarina and Oboe immediately filled in the spaces they left.
After a moment, Trom and Raiel both regained consciousness, though Raiel lost it again almost immediately upon discovering that Sizer was dressing him.
So, with an unconscious Warrior of Love on their shoulders, the party very slowly and very carefully made their way out into the dining room.
"Behind the table, girls," Oboe ordered.
Flute and Sizer left the circle and scurried off behind the table to collect their clothes and get dressed. The characters remaining in the circle kept a close eye out for anything happening around them.
"Almost done, girls?" called Oboe.
"Yeah, almost," Sizer answered.
"N-no sign of The Slasher, right?" asked Flute warily.
"None that I can see," Oboe affirmed.
"Me neither," said Ocarina.
"Or me," said Hamel.
"G-guys... I have to sneeze..." Trom stuttered.
"If you sneeze, I will kill you," Hamel threatened.
"I c-can't stop it!" Trom burst out.
"NO, TROM! HOLD IT!" Ocarina pleaded.
"Almost done!" Sizer called.
"Please hold it, Trom! We're coming!" Flute begged.
"I... I CAN- I CA- CA- AAAA...AAAAHHH... AAAAAHHH...ACHOO!"
-SLASH!-
The force of Trom's sneeze pitched his body forward, and then snapped immediately up again.
In the time it took his body to move forward and then backwards, every single person around him disappeared into thin air.
"WHA?" Trom gasped. "B-but... G-GUYS!"
Spinning around, Trom began to shake when he realized that everyone in the room had been slashed within a matter of seconds, except for him. And none of them were anywhere to be found.
Ka-thump...
His heart was pounding. "GUYS! GUYS! WHERE ARE YOU!?"
Ka-thump...
"COME BACK, GUYS! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE SLASHER!" he shrieked.
Ka-thump...
"GUYS?!"
"Hello... little boy..." a wicked voice whispered behind him.
Trom spun around, and his eyes quite literally exploded out of his face for a brief second. "IT'S YOU! AAAAAAGGGGHHH!"
-SLASH!-
Hamel woke up in warm, loving arms. "M... mother?" he murmured deliriously.
"Ha... Hamel?" a girl's voice answered back.
"Wait a sec..." Hamel muttered, fidgeting around. "We're in a closet... The light switch should be... Here."
-click-
"FLUTE?!"
"HAMEL?!"
And then a mutual scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH-"
"-Hey, wait a second..."
"Isn't this... canon?"
"But this isn't," Oboe's voice chimed in from up above.
Flute and Hamel overcame their embarrassment long enough to see Oboe, stripped of feathers, at the top of the closet, extremely close to a familiar severed head smoking a cigarette.
"Was it good for you, baby?" asked Bass seductively.
"OH MY GOD! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!" Flute and Hamel both burst out.
"WAIT A MINUTE! Bass isn't even in this story!" Hamel screamed indignantly.
"Oh my God... The Slasher has resorted to plotholes!" shrieked Flute.
"OH, THE HUMANITY!" Oboe shrieked. "RANDOM CHARACTERS!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!"
"Good morning, sunshine."
"Wh... what?" murmured Raiel blankly, having been unconscious the last few paragraphs.
"Sleep well? I certainly did... kekekekeke..." snarled a growling, inhuman voice.
"Wait... this is a closet..." Raiel murmured, slowly becoming aware of the fact that he was naked. "The light switch should be... Here."
-click-
Bright purple eyes were staring into his, and large bat wings were wrapped around his head.
"VOCAL!?" screamed Raiel.
"WAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Vocal maniacally.
Raiel turned purple as even more blood splashed out of his nose, causing him to wobble woozily. "BAD GUY... RANDOMLY... ABUSING... GOOD... GUY... MAKES... NO... AGGGGHHH..."
"Ocarina, is that you?"
"Yes, Lady Sizer!"
"Oh, PHEW. I'm glad you're all right... I've just got to worry about this random person who is naked next to me in this very closed up closet."
"Yeah, me too... Ah, here's the lights... Are you sure you want to see?"
"Bring it on... I'm going to kill whoever it is."
"Me too, Lady Sizer... All right. On the count of three..."
"One... two..."
"THREE!"
-click-
"LADY SIZER?!"
"OCARINA?!"
"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE LIKE... MY DAUGHTER! EWWWW!"
"AGGGH! FEMALE FRIENDS, OCARINA!!! FEMALE FRIENDS!!!"
"GROSS, GROSS, GROSS!"
But no horror experienced by the other six could equal the sheer terror coursing through Trom's blood at this very second.
He was locked in a room with The Slasher himself.
"B-BUT... I'M ONLY A KID!" Trom tried to plead.
"Makes no difference to me," howled The Slasher maniacally.
"B... B... B... AGGGH!" Trom screamed. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! PLEASE! SOMEONE! AAGGGH! THE SLASHER! I KNOW WHO IT IS!"
"F-Flute..." Hamel stuttered nervously. "I... I mean, I... I didn't mean..."
"M-me either," she stammered just as nervously. "I think we... ah... we... we need to..."
"Y-yes, o-of course... My clothes... they're..."
"Near me... and m-mine are..."
"Over here by me... Y-yeah..." Hamel continued.
"Erm... I... I m-mean it..."
"Y-yeah, erm... I mean, it's... not so..."
"Emb-b-barrassing, with y-you, I mean..."
"Y-yeah, we... I mean... are sort of..."
"Sup-pp-pposed to... y-yeah..."
"Flute..."
"Hamel..."
"Flute..."
"Hamel... k-kiss me..."
"Do you two mind?"
"SHUT UP OBOE, I'M ABOUT TO SCORE!"
"HAMEL!"
"I just heard Trom screaming! Let's get out of this closet and face this demon once and for all!"
Grumbling, Hamel felt around for the doorknob.
"HA-HAMEL!"
"Sorry, Bass," Hamel grumbled sheepishly, kicking the door open.
Trom was conveniently covered by a blanket as he squirmed backwards in an attempt to crawl away from the psychopathic pervert. "You'll pay for this... we'll make you pay!" he snarled.
"Like I haven't heard that before..." hissed The Slasher. "Now... one little slash, and I'll have... mmm... let's see..."
"NOT SO FAST!"
There was a loud BANG, as a familiar black-leather boot kicked in the door to the room where poor Trom was held captive. A majestic black cape fluttered in the draft of the door, and two black and white gloves clutched a giant violin and a giant bow. A pointy hat was set atop his head, and a heroic scowl upon his face.
"IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE, I..." Hamel began, immediately stopping when he saw the true face of The Slasher. "... You."
"That's right... it's me, Hamel..."
"... Olin?" Flute burst out from behind Hamel, where she was putting on her hat.
The dirty old man snapped his fingers and threw his hockey mask down on the ground. "Dammit!" he cursed. "I was hoping that you wouldn't guess."
"Freaking DUH!" Hamel spat disgustedly. "Who else in our series is as disgusting as you, you sick, sick bastard?"
"Wahaha," laughed Olin evilly, rubbing his hands together in an equally evil manner. "You're too late! You've all been slashed! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! One little cut with my Machete O' Pervertedness, and you're naked in another part of the house!"
"So I'll just stay away from you, then..." Hamel said quietly.
Oboe shook his head from where he hovered in the air. "I don't understand! Why Olin, why?! Why are you doing this?!"
"Because I'm a sick, dirty old bastard!" Olin yelled. "DUH! NOW GET SLASHED!"
The surprisingly agile old man leaped into the air, intending to bring his machete crashing down on Hamel's head.
Ready for such an overly dramatic and easy-to-avoid first move, Hamel stepped aside and raised his bow. "I have prepared a fitting piece for a creature such as you, you nasty freak!"
"And what is that?!" asked Olin, brandishing his Machete, standing just three feet away from Hamel and backing him towards a corner.
Hamel brought his bow across the strings a few times, and a his melodious attack began. Smiling mischievously, he gestured behind Olin. "See for yourself."
Olin blinked, and turned over his shoulder...
... Just in time to get a good view of Flute kicking him hard in the groin, under the spell of the Marionette Version.
"OUCHIES!" Olin burst out.
"THE NUTCRACKER BY TCHAIKOVSKY!" Hamel cried, letting the melody possess his arm into wild, dazzlingly fast bowing.
"OH, THAT'S A TERRIBLE PUN!" Olin screamed as Flute kicked him in the groin again. "OUCH! OH! OH GOD! OWIE! OUCHIES! NO! NO! AAGGGH!"
It continued this way, with Hamel playing, Flute chasing Olin across the room and shattering him in the groin, and Oboe and Trom wincing at the very thought of a Marionette Version-induced kick to the privates.
Hamel was laughing hysterically as he played. "NOW FOR A FINALE!" he demanded. "'DROP-KICK BOMBER!'"
Flute grabbed Olin by the back of the shirt and carted him over to the dingy, creaky window.
"Oh, you haven't heard the last of me, you fine young man!" Olin cried. "I'LL BE BACK! YOU'LL SEE! THERE WILL BE OTHER SLASHERS, HAMEL!"
"But none as uninhibited as YOU!" Hamel yelled back. With a mighty YANK, he played the final E of the song.
Perfectly in cue, Marionette Flute released Olin, and drop-kicked him square in the privates. The dirty old man went flying out the window, screaming in an embarrassingly high-pitched voice.
"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
-bling!-
The glow faded from around Flute, and she blinked, shaking off the after-effects. "Ow... I feel like I was hit by a carriage..." she whined.
Hamel took a deep breath, lowered his violin, and swept a deep bow, uttering a single phrase in perfect cue to the author's Vanessa Mae song currently playing:
"Split your hands."
Trom burst into thunderous applause. "YAY HAMEL! YAY, YAY! YOU SAVED ME!"
"Thank you, thank you," Hamel said, bowing some more.
"HA-CHAN!" screamed Raiel, tearing into the room and adjusting his belt as he did so. He'd somehow escaped from Vocal and returned his clothes to his body.
"HAMEEEEL!" screamed Ocarina and Sizer, tearing into the room equally fast, adjusting their clothing as well.
The seven of them gazed back and forth from one another for a few moments, the terror in their eyes barely beginning to describe the terrible mental scarification that had occurred that terrible night.
"I've got an idea," Hamel said thoughtfully a moment later, once everyone had caught their breaths.
"What's that, Ha-chan?" asked Raiel.
"That the seven of us leave quietly, and pretend none of this EVER HAPPENED."
The other six all chimed in at once.
"BEST... PLAN... EVER."
~ El Fin
A/N: ^.^;; Heh heh... I was not intending to make fun of any specific VoH couples in this story, not was I intending to make fun of any certain authors. I was intending to poke fun at slasher fics in general. Now that you've reached the bottom, please leave a nice review and Hamel will give you a cookie!
Or flame me, and be known forever in my heart as the cruel person who is too stupid to read warnings and follow them. ^.~ It's all in good fun, meanies.
A Parody by Galaxy Girl
A/N: This fic is both a blatant, cruel parody of "slasher" movies and of slash fan fictions. This fic intends no offense to people of any specific sexual orientation, so please don't take it beyond face value. If you're ready for a good, open-minded laugh at slash fanfics, you're welcome to stay. If you are a slash author who doesn't have a sense of humor and takes offense at people making fun of your craft, leave NOW. I'm not KIDDING. I'm not going to accept flames from people who were too stubborn to take my warning seriously, so be forewarned.
(MANGA STORYLINE)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"GOD, I am so damn HUNGRY I would eat ANYTHING!" Hamel burst out in an incredulous whine for the third time in that span of ten minutes.
"We know, we know..." muttered Trom in an annoyed tone. "We've heard at least 200 times now, Hamel."
"But he's right," Ocarina cut in from her spot in the air directly over Sizer's shoulder. "I'm so hungry I could eat a crow."
"You ARE a crow," Oboe said to her, shaking his head with disgust.
His daughter blinked. "I know. That's how hungry I am."
"We haven't had a decent meal in over a week!" Raiel sighed, kicking a rock in the road ahead of them.
"... But Sizer cooked dinner a few nights ago, Raiel. Don't you remember?" asked Flute, patting Sizer on the back as she spoke.
"He said a DECENT meal," Hamel grumbled.
Flute gasped and spun around to face him, placing her hands on her hips in shock. "Hamel! That was just mean!"
"He does have a point," Sizer cut in, shrugging off the insult. "I only know about 4 recipes that don't involve a great deal of blood."
"Try making some for us sometime," Hamel snorted.
Flute frowned, peering back and forth across the line of their pathetic little party. Everyone looked cranky and starving. Hamel had resorted to chewing on his violin rosin a few miles back. Oboe was too hungry to even explain what was going on. Raiel was walking along almost completely stooped over, defying all laws of physics that dictated that his piano should have squashed him by now. Trom had become extremely grumpy, snapping at anything anybody said that was directed at him. Ocarina flew weakly above Sizer, who was walking along with a tepid sort of smirk on her face. Even Flute herself had to admit that the current conditions were getting her down.
They had left the city of Trill a week and a half ago, after arguing for three hours whether or not to take the left or right fork in the road. One right fork, two mosquito-infested swamps, one very irritable giant frog, three fist-fights, and one hundred percent humidity later, everybody was hot, filthy, cranky, and generally not fun to be around.
"THIS ISN'T THE WAY I DESERVE TO BE TREATED!" wailed Hamel dramatically, throwing his arm across his forehead for dramatic effect and nearly knocking Oboe off of him. "I AM THE GREAT HERO OF JUSTICE! I DON'T DESERVE TO WANDER THE ENDLESS BARRENS UNTIL I DIE OF HUNGER!"
"And the rest of us don't matter?" Trom snarled.
"Don't fight, boys," Flute mediated, knowing full and well that pretty soon, someone (most likely Hamel) would attempt to kill someone else (most likely herself) and eat them for food.
"This is miserable, Oboe!" Raiel let out. "We've got to find someplace to rest and get some food before we all die!"
"I agree completely," Sizer groaned. "I'll even offer to use the last of my strength to fly and scout out someplace."
"Hey, good idea, Lady Sizer!" Ocarina piped up. "I'll go too!"
"Yes... In fact, I think that's a great idea," Oboe said, leaving Hamel's shoulder. "Hamel, Raiel, Flute, Trom, you four stay here and wait. The girls and I will fly up and see if we can find someplace close by with food and warm beds."
"Sure, Oboe," Flute nodded, smiling as cheerfully as she had strength left to.
"And hurry it up, will you?" Hamel whined. "It's almost getting dark!"
"Be patient, Ha-chan," Raiel told him. "It won't be much longer..."
"Gee, isn't it funny how the clouds got all dark as soon as we got into the air?" asked Ocarina curiously, glancing around at the quickly shadowing sky around them.
"Yeah, and how lightning and thunder strike whenever I turn my head in this certain direction?" added Sizer, turning her head in that direction for show.
(CRASSSHHHH!!! BOOOOOOOM!)
"And does anyone else hear organ music?" queried Oboe.
"From over there, Daddy," Ocarina said, pointing with her wing in the direction Sizer was looking.
Sizer squinted her eyes and placed one hand on her forehead to block the raindrops that had begun to pitter-patter down across the muggy, humid stretches of land that they had been lost in for a week and a half. She hovered in the air there for a moment, and then her eyes lit up.
"OCARINA! OBOE! Look!" Sizer let out excitedly. "There's a house over there!"
"A house?! Where?!" asked Ocarina, nearly having a heart attack in her thrill at the good news.
"Right over there! A huge one! And there's smoke coming from the chimney!" Sizer cried happily.
"Someone's living there! And it's only a little ways away through those trees!" Oboe affirmed. "Come on, let's hurry back and tell the others before Hamel decides to eat one of them!"
"... Too late," Ocarina said quietly a moment later, as they landed back in the clearing where they'd left four of the Five Great Hopes.
Flute was screaming through her gag as she sat lashed to a tree with thick rope from nowhere. Trom was hanging by his feet over Hamel's donabe, which was filled up with boiling water. And Hamel himself was lazily plucking pizzicato notes on his violin as he turned a spit, upon which sat Raiel, shrieking loudly through the apple stuffed in his mouth. A raging fire was burning below him, and getting very close to lighting his robes on fire.
"HAMEL! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MORON?!" Oboe screamed, launching himself right in his face.
"Hmm? Oh. Making dinner," Hamel replied nonchalantly, splashing a healthy amount of Tabasco sauce on Raiel.
Sizer and Ocarina stayed back, both of them raising their eyebrows so much that they almost got lost in their hair and feathers, respectively. Neither of them knew that this sort of thing happened a lot.
"YOU DON'T COOK YOUR FRIENDS!" Oboe yelled, promptly slugging Hamel in the face with his own violin. "LET THEM GO RIGHT NOW!"
To make a long story short, Hamel released Flute, Trom and Raiel.
Raiel quickly grabbed his piano and hit Hamel over the head with it. "HA-CHAN, YOU BASTARD! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT DO ME!?"
"Two eggs, half a cup of milk, a little Tabasco sauce..." Hamel went on, counting on his fingers and ignoring the tremendous wound on his head.
"The really sad thing is, I think I'm used to it by now," Flute sighed sadly, wringing the teriyaki sauce out of her hat.
Trom was pouting over in a corner, too furious to say or do anything remotely worth writing about.
"You're too impatient, Hamel!" Oboe scolded, fluttering around his head angrily. "You're too hasty! I CANNOT believe you did that!"
Grabbing Oboe by the body, Hamel squeezed. "I'm REALLY not in the mood, you stupid crow..."
"Hamel, we found a house," Sizer said quickly, knowing that Oboe was going to die in a moment if she didn't speak up.
The reaction from the other four was incredible. Eyes wide, lips quivering, all four of them snapped immediately to attention, dropping any crows or heavy musical instruments they were planning to kill or kill someone with, respectively. "A HOUSE?!" they shrieked. "WHERE?"
"About 50 yards that way," Ocarina said proudly. "Lady Sizer found it. And someone's living there, too!"
"I LOVE YOU!" shrieked Trom, unable to hold in hits wits any longer, clutching Sizer close to him and bursting into tears.
"Um... thanks," shrugged Sizer, not sure what else to do. She patted the young prince on the back and let him sob into her leg.
"Hurry, let's go!" Flute cried cheerfully. "They might be cooking dinner!"
Without so much as a word, but with a calm smile, Hamel recovered his violin and hurried off after the others, pushing through the trees in a big clump.
Meanwhile, the camera panned outwards and away from our heroes, zooming in on the house off in the distance as lightning, thunder, and loud organ music blared in the background.
"That's a nice house," Trom blinked, staring up at it.
It was a large, fairly worn-in mansion-style house, reminiscent of the one in the Addams Family movies. Old, holy pieces of wood were nailed sloppily all over the sides, some of them having rotted out or completely through. Cobwebs were strung about the few trees in the yard, which were overgrown and pretty dead-looking. Rickety, creaking shutters were nailed to the windows, most of which were grimy and dirty and some of which were broken. And all around the house was a generally creepy aura, what with the thunderstorm and the howling wind and the organ music that echoed so loudly through the old house it was a surprise that it wasn't knocked over.
"Wow. Someone cleans like your mom, Raiel," Hamel whistled.
Raiel blinked grumpily. "...That was unnecessary, Ha-chan."
"I don't care WHAT it looks like!" Ocarina let out, waving her wing at Raiel and Hamel. "I'm going inside!"
Sizer scratched her head. "Sorry... I didn't see that it was such a dump from up in the air."
"An honest mistake, Lady Sizer," Ocarina consoled her.
"But at least it's somewhere to stay," Oboe pointed out.
Flute, however, was frozen in terror just looking at the old house. With wide, frightened eyes, she tugged on Hamel's cape. "H-Hamel... I don't like the looks of this place."
"Don't be a chicken," he snapped at her. "As long as they have beds and food, I don't care."
"Y-yeah..." Trom chuckled nervously, tugging on Flute's skirt. "I don't like this place either."
"You two can sleep outside, if it's really bothering you that much," suggested Hamel.
"You wouldn't really leave Trom and me outside, would you Hamel?" asked Flute.
"I'm freaking hungry. I'm going in," Hamel said crankily, throwing open the creaking old gate and stepping onto the property.
The moment he did, thunder and lightning shot across the sky and the organ music got even louder for a brief second. Trom leaped up into Flute's arms in fright, and everyone else jumped back in surprise.
(CRASSSHHHH!!! BOOOOOOOM!)
Hamel stood in place, gazing up at the house and taking another step forward.
More thunder and lightning and organ music.
(CRASSSHHHH!!! BOOOOOOOM!)
"... That's kind of cool," Hamel commented, reaching back and grabbing Raiel by the collar. "Look at this."
He pulled Raiel forward, and the moment Raiel touched the property, another thunderclap and even louder organ music crashed for just a brief second.
Raiel blinked in surprise. "Hey, that is sort of neat!"
He and Hamel continued walking across the yard, as he motioned them to follow. "Come on, guys. Ha-chan and I will go first, in case there's some evil monster to kill or something."
"How kind," Sizer smiled, blushing a little.
Raiel clutched at his nose.
"I think this place may be an inn," Ocarina stated, still hovering in the air outside the gate.
"What makes you say that?" asked Oboe.
"Look at this sign. It's a welcome sign!" Ocarina smiled.
"What does it say?" asked Flute, leaning over to read it.
"It says 'Abandon all hope ye who enter here'!" Ocarina chuckled.
Flute blinked and a tremendous knot formed in her stomach. "Oh God."
"Flute, I'm not going in there without you," Trom said weakly, still grabbing onto her skirt.
Taking a deep breath, Flute clenched her fists. "Don't worry, Trom... I'm not going to let a stupid creepy house scare me..."
"Good for you, Flute!" Oboe congratulated her, perching on her shoulder.
"Thanks, Oboe!" Flute smiled, thoroughly pleased with her own courage.
"You go first," Oboe added.
"Heeellooooooooooooo?" called Ocarina into the worn-down interior of the house. "Anybody here?"
Raiel eyed what looked like a reception desk to the right of the front door. A dusty, cobwebby bell was set there. Tapping the button, it made a shrill dinging noise that echoed all through the house. "Hello?" he called afterwards.
Flute jumped at a creaky floorboard just inside the door, and found herself grabbing onto Sizer in her terror. Trom was still behind her, still grabbing onto her skirt.
Sizer peered back over her shoulder. "It's okay, Flute. We won't let any monster get you."
"Thanks, Sizer..." Trom sighed with slight relief.
"That's not what I'm worried about," Flute said under her breath. "I just know Hamel is going to try to..."
At that second, something grabbed her leg.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!" she shrieked.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!" Trom shrieked, upon hearing Flute shriek.
"AAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH- HAMEL!" Flute shrieked, stomping on his hand with all her might.
"OW! GOD! I was just kidding!" Hamel snarled, clutching at his wounded hand.
Raiel, Sizer, Oboe and Ocarina cocked an eyebrow at him.
"Why did I know that you were going to do that?" Flute screamed at him, placing her hands on her hips indignantly.
Hamel stuck his tongue out at her immaturely, and stomped back up in front of the group. "It doesn't look like anyone else is here," he snapped.
"But we saw the smoke in the chimney," Ocarina argued. "Someone must be here."
"I don't know..." Oboe said quietly. "Something about this place... I don't like it here..."
"Aw, come on, Daddy, don't be a fraidy-cat," Ocarina told him. She closed her eyes, vanished, and reappeared a moment later in her human form, brushing her blue hair out of her eyes. "We'll just tell whoever's hiding in here that there are three gorgeous women waiting for them to come help us!"
"There could be four," suggested Hamel, patting the costume bag on his back and glancing at Raiel.
"Stay the hell away from me," Raiel threatened.
"Shouldn't we leave, if no one is here?" asked Flute nervously.
"No, someone HAS to be here!" Ocarina pouted, crossing her arms. "There was smoke in the chimney! I say we split up and have a look around."
"ARE YOU CRAZY!?" screamed Trom.
"What?" asked Ocarina.
"SPLIT UP?! SPLIT UP?! That is the WORST plan in the history of the world! Splitting up NEVER ends well!" Trom shrieked, grabbing her by the collar and pulling her down to his eye-level. "Someone ALWAYS gets attacked by a monster, or kidnapped, or murdered, or captured by the villain! WORST... PLAN... EVER!"
"I somehow doubt that Demon King Kestra is in this house," Sizer said pointedly.
"But I think Trom's right. We should all stay together, at least for now," Oboe said sagely.
No sooner had he'd said that, Ocarina was disappearing behind a corner down a hallway to the left.
"OCARINA!" her father yelled.
"Ugh..." Sizer sighed. "Ocarina, come back!" She broke into a run down the same hallway Ocarina had disappeared down.
"Now is when the killer starts picking off his victims one by one..." Hamel whispered in an eerie voice.
"Quit trying to scare me, Hamel!" Trom snapped.
No sooner had he'd said that, when the Five Great Hopes heard two bloodcurdling screams coming from the general direction of the hall Sizer and Ocarina had disappeared down.
"OCARINA!" Oboe screamed loudly.
"SIZER!" Raiel screamed, equally loudly.
"THEY'RE IN TROUBLE!" Flute gasped, breaking into a run towards the hallway.
Hamel growled and pushed in front of her, preparing his violin in case he would need it. "RAIEL, LET'S GO!"
Raiel was right behind him, flinging his piano in front of him in preparation to use it.
"SEE?! I TOOOLD YOU!" Trom yelled from behind as he readied a sword.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ocarina's voice cut in from the room behind a thick pair of doors behind the corner.
"OH MY GOD, THE HUMANITY!" Sizer's voice joined in.
"SIZER, OCARINA!" Flute cried, throwing herself against the doors.
"OUT OF THE WAY, FLUTE!" Hamel yelled, kicking one of them open very dramatically to meet the terrific sight before them...
Sizer and Ocarina running back and forth along a long, elegantly decorated table, loading up two fine china plates with heaps and heaps of steaming, freshly-made food.
A loud crash sounded from the hallway.
"You guys! Look at all this food!" Ocarina cried excitedly. "It was just sitting here, waiting for us! And there's a fire in here, I told you someone lived here!"
"OH MY GOD, THE HUMANITY!" Sizer let out, crying happy tears. "SOME WONDERFULLY KIND PERSON LEFT IT ALL HERE FOR US!"
"HELL YES!" Hamel cried, forgiving the false alarm and flinging himself at the china plates. Within seconds, he was down the buffet line filling one up for himself.
Flute, Trom and Oboe stared dumbfounded at the three of them.
"That joke was a direct rip-off of that one Sorcerer Hunters manga," Oboe said quietly.
"I think the author knows that," Flute chimed in.
"Well, who cares. As long as we've finally got food that isn't made by Sizer and isn't made out of one of us!" Trom said happily, rushing in to get some food for himself.
Oboe shrugged, and glanced at Flute and Raiel, still standing in the doorway. "Well... as long as it's here, I guess... We'll need to thank our host, whenever he or she shows his or her face, of course," he said logically, flying over to the table and finding, to his delight, a large plate of fruit. Crows like fruit, apparently.
"Are you going to eat anything, Raiel?" asked Flute, shuffling from foot to foot.
"My mother told me never to eat food from nowhere," Raiel replied. "I don't like the looks of this... All this food just sitting out here, and no one here to eat it besides us... Keep your guard up, Flute."
"I will, most definitely," Flute nodded.
A few seconds later, she was upon the buffet as well, filling up her plate with a lot of small cakes and pastries.
Raiel sighed, and pulled up a chair against the wall. If he wasn't going to eat, at least he could enjoy the smell of the food.
But it's a pity that neither Raiel nor any of the other heroes didn't see the eyes watching them from the shadows... If they had, this whole mess could have been prevented, and this story would not exist.
But they didn't, it wasn't, and... well, here we are.
To make a long story a bit shorter, the six of them (not Raiel) stuffed their faces for a while, and then set to exploring the rest of the house to try and find their mysterious host (Raiel was there for that part). Search of room after room revealed not a trace of any life, and they were especially puzzled when they found the kitchen, dusty and looking as though no one had been in there for a long time.
"This doesn't make any sense!" Flute pondered. "How could all of that food been there hot if no one's been in the kitchen forever?"
"Take out?" suggested Ocarina.
"I'm really confused..." Sizer murmured. "I thought for sure we'd find someone here when we found all that food..."
"Maybe they're following us," offered Oboe.
This was apparently the wrong thing to say, as the other six immediately backed against the wall and peered behind them suspiciously.
"... It was just a guess," Oboe sighed.
"It's getting darker out," Raiel said quietly, gazing out of one of the dusty windows. "It's nightfall by now, and it's thundering outside. We can't leave here now."
"We can if our 'host' is going to kill us as soon as he finds out we're here!" Trom shivered.
"Don't' say stupid things like that," Hamel snapped, thumping him in the forehead with two fingers. "Why would he have fed us if he was just going to kill us?"
"Maybe he wants to eat us, too..." Ocarina guessed morbidly.
The seven of them were now in an upstairs corridor, wandering around and gazing into dark rooms to look for silhouettes, all of them too nervous to actually go inside the rooms, or turn on a light for that matter.
They passed a closed door, and all jumped a foot in the air when they heard a loud thump from inside.
All seven of them backed up against the railing on the balcony, shaking like crazy.
"SOMEONE'S IN THERE!" Raiel gasped.
"HE'S GONNA KILL US!" Flute shrieked in terror.
"MOMMY!" Trom screamed, clutching at Flute's skirt again.
Hamel smiled heroically and stepped forward. "I AIN'T SCARED!" he cried, kicking in the door dramatically and flicking on the light switch just inside the door.
(For convenience purposes, we'll pretend that Hamel and Co. have electricity.)
TO REVEAL...
A BEDROOM!
A rather nicely furnished bedroom, with three single beds, pink bedspreads and curtains.
Blinking in surprise, Hamel spoke. "It's just a girl's room."
"Why is this room so nice when the rest of the house is a dump?" asked Sizer in an annoyed tone.
"Look, girls, there's just enough beds for the three of you!" Raiel pointed out.
"Whoever our mystery host is, I don't think he'll mind if we spend the night here," Oboe assured them. "After all, he has already fed us."
"So... ah... Where are you boys going to sleep?" asked Flute.
Trom had, in a rare display of courage for him so far, wandered down the hallway a bit and slowly opened the door to another room. Flipping on the lights, he looked confused. "There's another bedroom here with three more beds and a birdcage," he announced.
"Perfect!" Ocarina smiled. "You boys sleep in there, and we girls will sleep in here. They're right next door to each other, so we can hear each other if something happens."
"I guess we'd better get some sleep so we can get into Forte tomorrow," Raiel yawned, heading down the hallway towards the designated boy's room. "Goodnight, girls."
"Goodnight Raiel. Goodnight Trom. Goodnight Oboe. Goodnight, Hamel," Flute said shyly, waving to them as she disappeared into the girl's room. "Oooh, the beds are so fluffy!"
"Goodnight everybody," Sizer finally interrupted, seeing that it would take forever if everyone did it Flute's way.
"Oh, ah... Hamel?" Flute cut in, leaning out of the door and stopping him from entering his room.
"What?" he asked.
"Um... goodnight," she smiled, popping back into her room. "Be careful."
Hamel snorted at Flute's concern and headed into his own room, where Raiel, Oboe and Trom had already staked out their designated sleeping places.
Hamel blinked, and glared at Oboe. "... Oh, HELL no. Get in the birdcage, you little bed hog."
Oboe grumbled and flew off of the bed and over to the birdcage, shutting the door and closing himself inside.
Hamel flopped down onto his designated bed and stared up at the ceiling while Trom and Raiel got ready for bed. He almost took his hat off, but then, thinking better of it, adjusted it so the brim fell over his face.
"Ha-chan?" Raiel said out of nowhere as he hung his hat on a convenient hat rack nearby.
"Hmm?" replied Hamel, still staring at the ceiling.
"Don't you think this is a little weird?" he asked. "I mean... all of the food laid out here for us... these rooms completely neat and in order. And no one here. I feel like... I don't know. Like something's strange."
"You're not the only one," Trom cut in. "It's nice that we found this place, but I'm a little nervous staying here."
"You two are scared?" Hamel snorted. "Heh... poor little boys. Don't worry. I'll protect you," he went on in a mocking sing-song voice.
"I'm serious, Ha-chan," Raiel said, frowning.
"I'm not," Hamel yawned. "If anything happens, you're all on your own."
Trom scowled at Hamel and rolled over to fall asleep, in disbelief that he was such a jerk. But Oboe and Raiel knew this was normal behavior for him.
"Goodnight, Ha-chan," Raiel chuckled, sliding under the covers and blowing out the lamp on the bedside table.
"Goodnight, boys," Oboe said, closing one eye, then the other.
Hamel waited a good length of time until he could hear Raiel snoring, and Trom and Oboe's quiet breathing. Then sitting up, he peered around the room suspiciously.
Something wasn't right in this place... and Hamel was determined to figure out what it was.
He jumped to his feet as quietly as he could, grabbing his violin and bow from where he'd propped them against the wall. Then, silent as he could, he tiptoed to the door and slid it open, wincing at the loud creak it made.
Out in the hallway, he briefly peered through the keyhole of the girl's room. He could barely make out Flute's sleeping figure in the bed closest to the door. Nodding as though to affirm that everything was well, he stood up and walked down the stairs into the main foyer of the house.
The thunderstorm outside had picked up even worse. Thunder and lightning shook the house every minute, and Hamel could hear rain falling in torrential sheets against the battered roof. Shaking his head, the violinist continued to walk, taking a left and heading to the corridor across from the one that led to the dining room.
As he entered that corridor, sealed shut by a door, Hamel could feel a pair of eyes watching him. An eerie, evil chill ran its way down his spine, and he spun around to make sure that he wasn't being followed.
A thump sounded from a door to his left.
Heart pounding, Hamel held up the bow of his violin to protect himself should the need arise.
"Who's there?" he asked in a hissing voice.
No answer, just another thump from the closet.
Hamel tapped the door with his bow. "WHO'S THERE?" he asked again.
Another thump.
"GOD DAMMIT, ANSWER ME!" Hamel yelled, placing one gloved hand on the doorknob.
Another thump.
Taking a deep breath and saying a brief prayer, Hamel wrenched the doorknob to the left, threw it open...
A flash of lightning lit up the hallway, and the figure standing in the closet.
"AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Hamel screeched in terror.
"AAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" yelled Trom, caught completely off guard.
"HOLY SHIT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THERE?!" Hamel snarled, grabbing the prince by the hair and throwing him out of the closet and onto the floor.
Trom landed with a thump, his blue hair standing completely on end and his eyes wide with fright. "HA-HAMEL!? IT WAS YOU?!"
"What are you TALKING about?!" Hamel growled, furious. "You scared the shit out of me! What in the hell are you doing in the closet?!"
"I followed you out!" Trom explained, rubbing the back of his head. "I knew you were going to try and scare Flute again!"
"I was NOT!" Hamel cried indignantly. "I was going to look for whoever lives here!"
"Yeeeaaah, sure," Trom said smugly. "I followed you so I could stop you before you disrupt Flute's beauty sleep."
"Well you scared the living daylights out of me," Hamel snapped. "What were you hiding in the closet for?"
"I thought you were the killer," Trom admitted.
"What killer? Don't be an idiot," Hamel snorted. "There's no killer."
But he apparently did not convince Trom, whose very eyes were getting bigger as his face became very pale. His mouth dropped open in shock.
Hamel paused, watching the expression on the young prince's face turn to one of utter terror. "... What the hell are you looking at me like that for?"
But if only Hamel knew that Trom was NOT looking at him. He was looking BEHIND him.
"TH-TH-TH-TH..." Trom stuttered as his hair stood on end.
A shadow raised up behind Hamel... a shadow of a tall, gangly figure wearing a glow in the dark hockey mask and carrying a machete.
"Trom, what's the matter with you?" Hamel demanded, placing his hands on his hips.
"THE KILLEEEEERRRRR!" Trom squealed, leaping backwards and slamming face-first into the wall, following immediately afterwards with a painful-looking plop onto the ground.
Hamel comprehended his words just in time to turn around and see the machete headed right for him. "WHOA GOD!" he screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!"
-SLASH!-
"HAMEL!" yelled Trom, watching his "friend's" body hit the floor.
A maniacal laugh sounded, and the maniac it belonged to raised his machete over Trom's head.
"OH MY GOD! NO... NO... AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!"
-SLASH!-
(Thunder and lightning)
Raiel's eyes bolted open when he heard the scream from downstairs. A cold sweat was running down his face, and his whole body felt hot. A terrible chill was coursing its way through his body, like he had just waken up from a terrible nightmare. Taking a deep breath, he peered around the room to see what had happened.
"Raiel, did you hear that?" Oboe burst out from the corner.
"Wh-what was that?!" Raiel gasped.
"Oh... Lord... Where are Hamel and Trom?!" gaped Oboe, flapping his wings frantically.
Raiel flung his head right and left, searching desperately for his friends. Seeing one of them, he took a deep, deep breath. "PHEW... Ha-chan's right here, next to me..."
Oboe's eyes widened, as did Raiel's, when he realized where exactly Hamel was.
"... In bed... with me... without... any clothes on..." Raiel stammered, taking the risk to glance down.
Hamel was indeed next to him, naked, clutching onto his arm. Sleeping peacefully, his horn had been decorated with a cute pink bow tie.
"WAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH!" screamed Raiel.
"OH DEAR GOD!" screamed Oboe.
"Don't be so loud..." whined Hamel, opening his eyes just in time to see Raiel's face explode in a dizzying color-burst of crimson, his head fall backwards, and his body hit the floor immediately afterwards.
"HAMEL WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING?!" Oboe shrieked. "REALLY, YOU'VE PICKED ON RAIEL THAT WAY BEFORE BUT THIS IS TOO MUCH!"
"What are you talking a-" he'd started to growl as he sat up, when he noticed a draft in the room. "Wait a sec... WHY AM I NAKED?!"
"Good question!" squawked Oboe.
"DEAR GOD, WHY AM I NAKED NEXT TO RAIEL?!" Hamel screamed, quite panicked at the situation. He leaped out of Raiel's bed and back to his own, where strangely, all of his clothes were strewn. Grabbing his hat off of the pillow, his used it to cover up a vital area.
"A VERY good question!" Oboe squawked again. "You've got some explaining to do! If your MOTHER were here right now..."
"Oboe, I swear to GOD I didn't do this!" Hamel cried indignantly. "I'm not GAY! Especially not with RAIEL! I did NOT strip naked and get in bed with him!"
"Oh, and I suppose a lunatic in a hockey mask with a machete put you in there with him?" Oboe burst out.
"Actually, YES!" Hamel cried, dropping down behind the bed to get dressed. "That's EXACTLY what happened!"
"You expect me to believe a stupid story like that!?" Oboe yelled. "Get dressed and let me out of this birdcage before Raiel dies of blood loss!"
The Warrior of Love's nosebleed had entered its second stage, where he started twitching and murmuring things.
"I'm serious, Oboe!" Hamel said quickly. "I went out to the hallway downstairs to look for whoever's house this is, and Trom followed me there, then this nutbag with a hockey mask attacked us both with a machete! I blacked out, and when I woke up... well, you know!" he finished dramatically, throwing his arms into the air as he pulled on his shirt.
"So Trom can vouch for you?" said Oboe darkly, his eyes narrowing.
"Yeah! Go find him!" Hamel yelled, ripping off the pink bow tie, slipping his hat back over his horn and leaping over all three beds to tend to Raiel.
But that proved unnecessary, as a second bloodcurdling scream sounded from the room next door.
Hamel had barely placed a hanky to Raiel's nose when his friend popped up into a seated position, his eyes nearly bugging out of his head. "SIZER-SAN!" he gaped.
The door of the boy's room flew open and Trom raced inside, covering up his bare privates with both hands and screaming in terror. Sizer flew in a moment later like a bat out of hell, scythe blazing and aiming in Trom's general direction. "YOU PERVERTED LITTLE BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOU!"
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" Trom yelled desperately, leaping over the beds and ducking behind Hamel for protection. "SAVE ME, HAMEL!"
Hamel and Oboe both blinked confusedly as Sizer pointed accusingly at Trom. "That little pervert was in bed with me! NAKED!"
"I CAN EXPLAIN!" Trom cried, clutching at Hamel's cape.
"Well you'd better, AND FAST!" Sizer screeched.
Trom yanked on Hamel's cape, nearly strangling him. "Hamel, you tell them! The guy in the hockey mask with the machete got me!"
"SEE?!" Hamel cried, pointing at the stark naked prince. "I told you, Oboe! I was telling the truth!"
"You're SERIOUS, Trom?" asked Oboe in disbelief.
"Absolutely!" Trom said, raising one hand in a solemn pledge. "I would never do a thing like this on my own!"
There was a moment of silence, where Sizer took a couple of deep breaths and lowered her scythe.
"Well, we know Trom is telling the truth..." Oboe murmured.
"I told you that same story," Hamel barked jealously.
"But Trom isn't a habitual liar," Oboe shot back.
Hamel was about to yell something at the crow, when Raiel (who had somehow recovered) interrupted him. "Ha-Ha-chan! Look at this!" he gasped.
"What?" asked Hamel, glancing down.
Raiel had his hands on Trom's back. "Turn around, Trom." he said. "Look at this big slash on his back! That wasn't there earlier when you got dressed for bed."
"What slash?" asked Trom, trying to gaze over his own shoulder.
Sure enough, going all across Trom's back from left shoulder blade to right hip was a nasty-looking slash mark, the sort that could be made by a machete.
"They ARE telling the truth, Oboe, Sizer!" Raiel explained. "Ha-chan, come here!"
Hamel tried to fight him off, but Raiel succeeded in pulling up Hamel's shirt and cape. An equally painful-looking slash mark was on his back.
Oboe's eyes were wide. "So they were... telling the truth..."
"TOLD YOU," Trom and Hamel said angrily.
"First Raiel and Hamel... it makes sense. They're friends, so slashers take it to mean that they are gay..." Oboe murmured, as though he was trying to figure it out.
Raiel and Hamel gave each other disgusted glances.
"Then Sizer and Trom... that makes sense too. Trom used to hate her... and in the demented mind of a slasher, hate means love..."
Trom wrinkled his nose at Sizer and Sizer scowled at him before she spoke.
"So you're telling me..." she said quietly, "That there is a stark raving lunatic in this house with a hockey mask and a machete who attacks people, and his victims end up naked in bed with someone else."
"That is the single stupidest thing I've ever heard," Hamel snorted.
"We've got a complete nutcase on our hands," Oboe snarled disapprovingly. "Someone let me out of here... We've got to get out of here before one of us gets seriously scarred for life."
-SLASH!-
He was interrupted by another blood-curdling scream from the girl's room.
"OH NO! I left Ocarina and Flute alone!" Sizer gasped, spinning around and speeding back into the hallway. "RINA! FLUTE!"
"Let's go," Hamel suggested, leaping over the bed again and nodding to Raiel, who stood up, blew his nose in a hanky, and grabbed his hat.
Trom scampered over and let Oboe out of the cage, and he took into the air behind Hamel. "Trom, stay together with us from now on, all right? There's safety in numbers," Oboe ordered.
"Okay, Oboe," Trom saluted.
"And... um... I suggest you put on a tie," Oboe added, glancing at him strangely.
Trom sighed and pulled the sheet off of his bed, wrapping it around himself like a toga and hurrying after them.
Flute was backed up against the headboard of her bed, turned absolutely pale. Draped across her was a naked (but for censorship and rating reasons, completely covered) figure of a young Mazoku girl with pale blue wings and hair. Across her back was a vicious red slash mark.
And suspiciously, the window of the room was shattered from the outside. Rain was pouring in, and muddy footprints lined the sill and floor around it.
Sizer twitched the door of the room open dramatically, and her eyes twitched uncontrollably at the sight before her. "Aaa-aaaa-AAH!"
Hamel appeared behind her, and made a face. "Ewwww... Kinky."
"GET HER OFF OF MEEEE!" Flute squealed.
Ocarina stirred, sitting up slowly and blinking, a little surprised to be so close to Flute. "Mmm... what's... * twitch* ... OH MY GOD!"
"PLEASE GET OFF OF ME!" Flute pleaded.
"EWWWWW!" Ocarina shrieked, grabbing the blankets from behind her and wrapping herself in them, leaping away from Flute and landing on the floor in her surprise. "WHAT... WHAT AM I DOING!?"
"He got her too..." Raiel said in a nasally voice, shaking his head as he appeared in the doorway. He was holding one hand over his eyes and the other was pinching his nostrils shut. "Whad are we gudda do, Habel?"
Hamel scowled, attempting to come up with one of his famous plans as Ocarina grabbed her clothes from where they had been scattered around the room. Trom joined her, finding his clothes strewn about near Sizer's bed.
Flute was sobbing in disbelief. "WHAT'S GOING ON?!" she wailed. "HA-HAMEL, I'M SCARED!"
"I'm SO SORRY, Flute!" Ocarina said over and over again as she ducked behind the curtains to get dressed. "I swear, I didn't mean to!"
"The hockey mask guy must have climbed up the back of the house and broken through the window... Ocarina, your bed is closest, so he attacked you..." Hamel said, pointing at all the pieces of evidence as they came up.
"That one came out of nowhere... I'm convinced, everyone. We've got a slasher on our hands..." Oboe said darkly as he landed on Hamel's shoulder, his eyes narrowing. "No one is safe. No matter how illogical it may seem... Some loon is running around, putting people together..."
"We'd better all stick together from now on!" Sizer said, nodding to affirm it to herself. "If we're all paying attention, there's no way that idiot can strike again!"
"S-so someone in this house... I-is a slasher?" Flute stammered.
-SLASH!-
"Yes..." said Hamel hazily, his eyes becoming truly serious for the first time in the course of this fanfiction. "And we won't stop until we've brought that nut to justice..."
"I say we get the hell out of here!" Trom piped up, adjusting his headpiece as he stepped out from behind the other curtain.
"We can't go out in this storm," Sizer sighed. "We'll all be washed away. We've got to at least wait until morning."
"That is the most skewed logic I've ever heard," Trom argued. "It's not raining THAT hard! Let's get out of here before someone else gets slashed! It's NOT pleasant, believe you me."
"Let's find that guy!" Ocarina growled as she stepped from behind her curtain. "He's gonna pay for this! We'll split up into two search parties and..."
"NO SPLITTING UP!" Trom cried. "WORST... PLAN... EVER!"
Flute, who was sitting on her bed and getting her wits about her throughout this entire conversation, suddenly lost them again as she pointed at the doorframe. "WHERE DID RAIEL GO?"
The entire party spun around to see a small pool of blood where there had once been standing a Warrior of Love.
"And where's my dad?!" gasped Ocarina, pointing at Hamel's shoulder, which was now empty.
Hamel glanced at his shoulder and freaked out. "HE WAS THERE JUST A MINUTE AGO!"
"OH NO!" Trom gulped. "THEY'VE BEEN SLASHED!"
To confirm Trom's guess, there was a loud, messy-sounding SPLURT from downstairs.
"HURRY UP, LET'S GO!" Ocarina yelled. "DADDY, HANG ON!"
The door to the pantry in the dining room swung open just in time for our heroes to catch a glimpse of a tall, bare-assed, black-winged Mazoku leaping behind a table, and then a small, black-feathered crow come fluttering out a moment later with a tiny slash across his front. "I DIDN'T DO IT!" Oboe cried. "I DIDN'T DO IT!"
Lying on the floor, thankfully covered up with a box of cereal, was a blond young man laying in a pool of his own blood, which was spurting heavily out of his nose.
"Oh, my GOD. That's DISGUSTING," Hamel spat, shaking his head as Oboe was grabbed out of the air by his daughter, who held him close.
"OH DADDY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?! THEY MADE YOU TRANSFORM AND GET NAKED, MY POOR DADDY!" Ocarina squealed.
Trom shook his head sadly and pulled the white tablecloth off of the table that Oboe had hidden behind and folded it up, placing it under Raiel's nose. It quickly turned blood red. Across Raiel's bare chest was the telltale slash. He began scooping up Raiel's abandoned hat, robes, pants, ascot and underwear.
"Poor, poor Raiel... poor, poor Oboe..." Trom sobbed.
"Now he's got two random male characters... This madman will stop at nothing!" Oboe yelled incredulously. "What will this psychopath think of next?!"
-SLASH!-
Hamel wasn't paying attention anymore. He turned around, with wide eyes, and let out a deep sigh. "Did we leave Sizer and Flute alone?"
Ocarina's eyes nearly bugged out. "What?"
"They're in the dining room now. Naked. Too close for comfort," Hamel sighed, as though he was expecting it.
"LADY SIZER!" gagged Ocarina.
"Ohhhh, Flute," Hamel sighed, shaking his head.
"Unnhhh..."
"Ow, my back..."
"..."
"..."
"SIZER?"
"FLUTE?"
"EEEUUGH!"
"YEEEUCK!"
There was a loud ripping noise.
Sizer stomped into the pantry a moment later, covering up her body with one half of the tablecloth from the dining room table, and carrying her scythe in the other hand. "That bastard's goin' DOWN."
Flute walked in a moment later, scowling, looking noticeably uncomfortable, even as she covered her body with the other half of the tablecloth. "I want this jerk DEAD! Or very, VERY badly injured!"
"Two female leads... BASTARD!" Hamel cursed.
"That's it! We've all got to pay EXTREME attention from this moment on! This guy seems to be able to lurk in the shadows and pop up out of nowhere!" Oboe said seriously. "If we turn our backs on one of the others for even a moment..."
-SLASH!-
-THUMP-
"TROM, GET OFF OF RAIEL, NOW!" Flute screamed, kicking his unconscious, naked body with her foot.
The party spun around to see Trom, once again having been slashed, had shed all of his clothing and now had an x-shaped pair of slashes across his back.
"Two attractive males... Good God... he's getting WORSE," Oboe shuddered.
"THIS DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE!" Hamel yelled angrily. "There is NO WAY this guy could be in here with us! It's not humanly possible to move as fast as he does!"
"Don't you understand, Hamel!?" Flute sobbed. "IT'S A SLASHER MOVIE! THIS IS A SLASHER MOVIE! NOTHING HAS TO MAKE SENSE!"
"Get a hold of yourself, Flute!" Sizer cried. "We'll get through this!"
The party formed an outward-facing circle, slowly backing in around the unconscious bodies of Trom and Raiel. That way, no one would have their backs to The Slasher hiding in the shadows.
"Now... listen to me very carefully... very slowly..." Oboe ordered, "... Very slowly, two of us are going to turn around and get Trom and Raiel dressed."
"I'll do Trom," Flute offered.
"Raiel," shrugged Sizer.
"Good," Oboe continued. "Then... We are going to very carefully, very slowly, walk, as a unit, out to the dining room. There, Sizer and Flute will very carefully, very slowly get dressed."
"Got it," nodded Ocarina.
"Then, very slowly and very carefully, we are going to head upstairs, get all of our things, and get the hell out of here," Oboe finished.
"Now wait, is that very slowly and very carefully, or very carefully and very slowly?" asked Hamel with a cheesy grin.
"Now is NOT the time, Hamel!" Flute pouted.
"Ready?" asked Oboe.
The party nodded.
"Go," Oboe ordered.
Very slowly and very carefully, they inched their way over the bodies of Raiel and Trom. On the count of three, Flute and Sizer spun around and attempted to dress the two unconscious boys. Hamel, Ocarina and Oboe immediately filled in the spaces they left.
After a moment, Trom and Raiel both regained consciousness, though Raiel lost it again almost immediately upon discovering that Sizer was dressing him.
So, with an unconscious Warrior of Love on their shoulders, the party very slowly and very carefully made their way out into the dining room.
"Behind the table, girls," Oboe ordered.
Flute and Sizer left the circle and scurried off behind the table to collect their clothes and get dressed. The characters remaining in the circle kept a close eye out for anything happening around them.
"Almost done, girls?" called Oboe.
"Yeah, almost," Sizer answered.
"N-no sign of The Slasher, right?" asked Flute warily.
"None that I can see," Oboe affirmed.
"Me neither," said Ocarina.
"Or me," said Hamel.
"G-guys... I have to sneeze..." Trom stuttered.
"If you sneeze, I will kill you," Hamel threatened.
"I c-can't stop it!" Trom burst out.
"NO, TROM! HOLD IT!" Ocarina pleaded.
"Almost done!" Sizer called.
"Please hold it, Trom! We're coming!" Flute begged.
"I... I CAN- I CA- CA- AAAA...AAAAHHH... AAAAAHHH...ACHOO!"
-SLASH!-
The force of Trom's sneeze pitched his body forward, and then snapped immediately up again.
In the time it took his body to move forward and then backwards, every single person around him disappeared into thin air.
"WHA?" Trom gasped. "B-but... G-GUYS!"
Spinning around, Trom began to shake when he realized that everyone in the room had been slashed within a matter of seconds, except for him. And none of them were anywhere to be found.
Ka-thump...
His heart was pounding. "GUYS! GUYS! WHERE ARE YOU!?"
Ka-thump...
"COME BACK, GUYS! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH THE SLASHER!" he shrieked.
Ka-thump...
"GUYS?!"
"Hello... little boy..." a wicked voice whispered behind him.
Trom spun around, and his eyes quite literally exploded out of his face for a brief second. "IT'S YOU! AAAAAAGGGGHHH!"
-SLASH!-
Hamel woke up in warm, loving arms. "M... mother?" he murmured deliriously.
"Ha... Hamel?" a girl's voice answered back.
"Wait a sec..." Hamel muttered, fidgeting around. "We're in a closet... The light switch should be... Here."
-click-
"FLUTE?!"
"HAMEL?!"
And then a mutual scream.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHH-"
"-Hey, wait a second..."
"Isn't this... canon?"
"But this isn't," Oboe's voice chimed in from up above.
Flute and Hamel overcame their embarrassment long enough to see Oboe, stripped of feathers, at the top of the closet, extremely close to a familiar severed head smoking a cigarette.
"Was it good for you, baby?" asked Bass seductively.
"OH MY GOD! AAAAAAGGGGGHHH!" Flute and Hamel both burst out.
"WAIT A MINUTE! Bass isn't even in this story!" Hamel screamed indignantly.
"Oh my God... The Slasher has resorted to plotholes!" shrieked Flute.
"OH, THE HUMANITY!" Oboe shrieked. "RANDOM CHARACTERS!!! OH, THE HUMANITY!"
"Good morning, sunshine."
"Wh... what?" murmured Raiel blankly, having been unconscious the last few paragraphs.
"Sleep well? I certainly did... kekekekeke..." snarled a growling, inhuman voice.
"Wait... this is a closet..." Raiel murmured, slowly becoming aware of the fact that he was naked. "The light switch should be... Here."
-click-
Bright purple eyes were staring into his, and large bat wings were wrapped around his head.
"VOCAL!?" screamed Raiel.
"WAHAHAHAHA!" laughed Vocal maniacally.
Raiel turned purple as even more blood splashed out of his nose, causing him to wobble woozily. "BAD GUY... RANDOMLY... ABUSING... GOOD... GUY... MAKES... NO... AGGGGHHH..."
"Ocarina, is that you?"
"Yes, Lady Sizer!"
"Oh, PHEW. I'm glad you're all right... I've just got to worry about this random person who is naked next to me in this very closed up closet."
"Yeah, me too... Ah, here's the lights... Are you sure you want to see?"
"Bring it on... I'm going to kill whoever it is."
"Me too, Lady Sizer... All right. On the count of three..."
"One... two..."
"THREE!"
-click-
"LADY SIZER?!"
"OCARINA?!"
"OH MY GOD, YOU'RE LIKE... MY DAUGHTER! EWWWW!"
"AGGGH! FEMALE FRIENDS, OCARINA!!! FEMALE FRIENDS!!!"
"GROSS, GROSS, GROSS!"
But no horror experienced by the other six could equal the sheer terror coursing through Trom's blood at this very second.
He was locked in a room with The Slasher himself.
"B-BUT... I'M ONLY A KID!" Trom tried to plead.
"Makes no difference to me," howled The Slasher maniacally.
"B... B... B... AGGGH!" Trom screamed. "SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! PLEASE! SOMEONE! AAGGGH! THE SLASHER! I KNOW WHO IT IS!"
"F-Flute..." Hamel stuttered nervously. "I... I mean, I... I didn't mean..."
"M-me either," she stammered just as nervously. "I think we... ah... we... we need to..."
"Y-yes, o-of course... My clothes... they're..."
"Near me... and m-mine are..."
"Over here by me... Y-yeah..." Hamel continued.
"Erm... I... I m-mean it..."
"Y-yeah, erm... I mean, it's... not so..."
"Emb-b-barrassing, with y-you, I mean..."
"Y-yeah, we... I mean... are sort of..."
"Sup-pp-pposed to... y-yeah..."
"Flute..."
"Hamel..."
"Flute..."
"Hamel... k-kiss me..."
"Do you two mind?"
"SHUT UP OBOE, I'M ABOUT TO SCORE!"
"HAMEL!"
"I just heard Trom screaming! Let's get out of this closet and face this demon once and for all!"
Grumbling, Hamel felt around for the doorknob.
"HA-HAMEL!"
"Sorry, Bass," Hamel grumbled sheepishly, kicking the door open.
Trom was conveniently covered by a blanket as he squirmed backwards in an attempt to crawl away from the psychopathic pervert. "You'll pay for this... we'll make you pay!" he snarled.
"Like I haven't heard that before..." hissed The Slasher. "Now... one little slash, and I'll have... mmm... let's see..."
"NOT SO FAST!"
There was a loud BANG, as a familiar black-leather boot kicked in the door to the room where poor Trom was held captive. A majestic black cape fluttered in the draft of the door, and two black and white gloves clutched a giant violin and a giant bow. A pointy hat was set atop his head, and a heroic scowl upon his face.
"IN THE NAME OF JUSTICE, I..." Hamel began, immediately stopping when he saw the true face of The Slasher. "... You."
"That's right... it's me, Hamel..."
"... Olin?" Flute burst out from behind Hamel, where she was putting on her hat.
The dirty old man snapped his fingers and threw his hockey mask down on the ground. "Dammit!" he cursed. "I was hoping that you wouldn't guess."
"Freaking DUH!" Hamel spat disgustedly. "Who else in our series is as disgusting as you, you sick, sick bastard?"
"Wahaha," laughed Olin evilly, rubbing his hands together in an equally evil manner. "You're too late! You've all been slashed! And there's nothing you can do to stop me! One little cut with my Machete O' Pervertedness, and you're naked in another part of the house!"
"So I'll just stay away from you, then..." Hamel said quietly.
Oboe shook his head from where he hovered in the air. "I don't understand! Why Olin, why?! Why are you doing this?!"
"Because I'm a sick, dirty old bastard!" Olin yelled. "DUH! NOW GET SLASHED!"
The surprisingly agile old man leaped into the air, intending to bring his machete crashing down on Hamel's head.
Ready for such an overly dramatic and easy-to-avoid first move, Hamel stepped aside and raised his bow. "I have prepared a fitting piece for a creature such as you, you nasty freak!"
"And what is that?!" asked Olin, brandishing his Machete, standing just three feet away from Hamel and backing him towards a corner.
Hamel brought his bow across the strings a few times, and a his melodious attack began. Smiling mischievously, he gestured behind Olin. "See for yourself."
Olin blinked, and turned over his shoulder...
... Just in time to get a good view of Flute kicking him hard in the groin, under the spell of the Marionette Version.
"OUCHIES!" Olin burst out.
"THE NUTCRACKER BY TCHAIKOVSKY!" Hamel cried, letting the melody possess his arm into wild, dazzlingly fast bowing.
"OH, THAT'S A TERRIBLE PUN!" Olin screamed as Flute kicked him in the groin again. "OUCH! OH! OH GOD! OWIE! OUCHIES! NO! NO! AAGGGH!"
It continued this way, with Hamel playing, Flute chasing Olin across the room and shattering him in the groin, and Oboe and Trom wincing at the very thought of a Marionette Version-induced kick to the privates.
Hamel was laughing hysterically as he played. "NOW FOR A FINALE!" he demanded. "'DROP-KICK BOMBER!'"
Flute grabbed Olin by the back of the shirt and carted him over to the dingy, creaky window.
"Oh, you haven't heard the last of me, you fine young man!" Olin cried. "I'LL BE BACK! YOU'LL SEE! THERE WILL BE OTHER SLASHERS, HAMEL!"
"But none as uninhibited as YOU!" Hamel yelled back. With a mighty YANK, he played the final E of the song.
Perfectly in cue, Marionette Flute released Olin, and drop-kicked him square in the privates. The dirty old man went flying out the window, screaming in an embarrassingly high-pitched voice.
"YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST OF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
-bling!-
The glow faded from around Flute, and she blinked, shaking off the after-effects. "Ow... I feel like I was hit by a carriage..." she whined.
Hamel took a deep breath, lowered his violin, and swept a deep bow, uttering a single phrase in perfect cue to the author's Vanessa Mae song currently playing:
"Split your hands."
Trom burst into thunderous applause. "YAY HAMEL! YAY, YAY! YOU SAVED ME!"
"Thank you, thank you," Hamel said, bowing some more.
"HA-CHAN!" screamed Raiel, tearing into the room and adjusting his belt as he did so. He'd somehow escaped from Vocal and returned his clothes to his body.
"HAMEEEEL!" screamed Ocarina and Sizer, tearing into the room equally fast, adjusting their clothing as well.
The seven of them gazed back and forth from one another for a few moments, the terror in their eyes barely beginning to describe the terrible mental scarification that had occurred that terrible night.
"I've got an idea," Hamel said thoughtfully a moment later, once everyone had caught their breaths.
"What's that, Ha-chan?" asked Raiel.
"That the seven of us leave quietly, and pretend none of this EVER HAPPENED."
The other six all chimed in at once.
"BEST... PLAN... EVER."
~ El Fin
A/N: ^.^;; Heh heh... I was not intending to make fun of any specific VoH couples in this story, not was I intending to make fun of any certain authors. I was intending to poke fun at slasher fics in general. Now that you've reached the bottom, please leave a nice review and Hamel will give you a cookie!
Or flame me, and be known forever in my heart as the cruel person who is too stupid to read warnings and follow them. ^.~ It's all in good fun, meanies.