Author's Note: These Secret Diaries are my own. I got the idea of placing LotR characters into "diary" situations from Cassie Claire's "Very Secret Diaries" (who, I think, takes much inspiration from Bridget Jones). Her diaries I found amusing, but rather too full of slash for my taste; the humour of a diary series running on just one joke fades quickly. So I have made my own, which are my intellectual property and not copied from any other source. If you enjoy these, please leave a review and let me know!
Day 1:
Am leading Last Alliance of Men and Elves against armies of Mordor and utter blackness. Look v. good in tight armour and braids. V. ferocious. Topple before me, forces of darkness!!
Day 2:
Have defeated Sauron and forces of darkness. Isildur cut Ring of Power from Sauron's hand but would not give it to me. Tried old "you throw it away and I'll grab it" trick but Isildur v. obdurate. Cannot understand as gold completely wrong for I's skin-colouring.
Day 1,000,987:
Arwen back from holiday at Galadriel's. Says is aging v. well for forty-thousand-year-old bottle blonde. Rather depressing as had hoped to be prettier than mother-in-law someday but v. little chance in foreseeable future. At least G does not have lovely velvet robes. Take that, blondie.
P.S. Arwen rather absent-minded. Perhaps is lembas diet. Arwen too obsessed with figure. Told her huge sleeves hide everything anyway.
Day 1,000,988:
Aha. Have discovered true source of absent-mindedness. Arwen meeting dark mysterious stranger in woods. V. peculiar as A has always gone for blondes in past.
Day 1,000,989:
Have discovered dark mysterious stranger none other than Aragorn. Should have known better than to take in orphans. V. much doubt Arwen serious about this as Aragorn at least three thousand years younger. Way too much of age gap – right?
Day 1,000,995:
Have told Arwen if crazy love-affair does not end right now will send her back to Lothlorien to live with Granny forever.
LATER:
Drat. Threat unsuccessful as Arwen not in bedroom. Not hers, anyway. Considering locking the little flirt in her room for five hundred years or so.
Day 1,001,003:
Have solved problem by allowing Aragorn to marry Arwen. Only request he become King of Gondor and Arnor first. Should make for long engagement… Aragorn left to become Ranger of the Wild. Great way to throne, Aragorn.
Day 1,022,103:
V. bored. Have called Council of all single men in vicinity. Should prove v. entertaining. Hope Legolas attends as appearance obsession always good for laugh.
Day 1,022,104:
Legolas definitely coming. Perhaps will bring Arwen out of funk. Has not spoken to me in 30 years. Not fair as only kicked Aragorn out for her good.
Day 1,022,105:
Gandalf
arrived early. Ought to be after I gave him Rolex last year. Has informed me that
white-robed guy down south has turned nasty. Must be manicurist's influence.
Should have realised that men with long
fingernails evil. (Wonder: does that include Legolas?)
Day 1,022,106:
Bunch of small hairy people arrived. Two v. stupid, one v. fat, one v. sick. Have locked up stupid ones and put sick one into healing homeopathic hypnosis. Cannot get fat one away from sick one. Have bad feeling about this…
Day 1,022,107:
Arwen mad at Legolas – thinks he's prettier than she. Told her cannot have everything. Arwen whispering all sorts of foul things in Sindarin at Legolas. Suspect could get v. ugly v. soon. Can't wait as is still v. boring here even with arrival of remaining Council attendees.
Day 1,022,108:
Hurrah! Council of Elrond day! Am so important. Now to find something to wear. Asked Arwen if could borrow one of her tiaras which put her in massive huff. So protective of jewellery. V. unattractive.
Have not done anything important today besides learn that Elves definitely the prettiest species and Legolas definitely prettiest Elf. (Wish would not wear shapeless velvet poncho as would love to see Men at Council turn green with envy, but cannot have everything.) Men not so bad if would learn to use soap and comb.
Rest of discussion centered on defeat of darkness, Aragorn-Son-Of-Arathorn's lineage, Ring of Power, etc. Blah blah blah. Have lost two telescopes and one v. expensive chandelier to mischievous imps. Favourite tiara and matching necklace dropped into river by Pippin. Have decided to send Hobbits away on quest to destroy Ring as will get them out from underfoot and perhaps salvage personal property.
Day 1,022,109:
Fellowship not even left yet and already chaos reigning. Ringbearer Hobbit cannot even find way out Rivendell. Aragorn will never become King with this lot in tow. Am so clever.