Disclaimer: The characters from the West Wing don't belong to me. 'The
Secret Garden' also does not belong to me.
Author: Catgurl83
Title: Changes Abound 4\4
Feedback: Is much appreciated.
Rating: PG to be safe.
Spoilers: Through season five.
Pairings: Josh \ Zoey, CJ \ Toby, mentions of Sam \ Donna
Author's notes: Changes Abound is the third in my Changes series. It follows Continued Changes and Unexpected Changes.
Thanks to Classic She for beta reading this story.
*************
Josh very slowly mounted the stairs, taking each step slower than the one before it. As he reached the top of the staircase, his hand fell limply onto the rail.
Zoey watched her boyfriend concernedly. He wasn't doing very well. She stepped up next to Josh and laid her hand on his shoulder. He nearly jumped at her touch; it was as if he had forgotten that she was there. "Josh?" she asked softly.
Instantly calmed at hearing her voice, Josh turned his head slightly and gave her a forced smile. "Yeah, Zo?"
She studied his face for a few moments. "Are you sure that you are ready for this? We don't have to do this today."
Was he ready for this? Josh asked himself silently. Not completely. Would he ever be completely ready for this? Probably not. It needed to be done. He needed to do this. Serena needed him to do this. They wouldn't be able to completely move on until this was done. "Yes, we do have to do this today."
Zoey gave him a skeptical look.
Noticing her expression, Josh gave her another smile. He leaned forward and brushed his lips over hers lightly. Pulling back, he took her hand and started walking again. They reached the door and Josh froze. Forcing a deep breath, he reached out with his free hand and grasped the cold doorknob. He pushed the door open but stayed where he was.
Zoey stood with him as he battled his urge to run as far from this room as he could. Curiously, she turned her head and gazed into the room. She had never been in here before.
The drapes were closed, blocking out all sunlight, her eyes had to adjust in order to see inside the room.
Like the rest of the house, this room had a wooden floor. Unlike the rest of the house, this floor hadn't been polished in months, years. Dust had built up on the floor, as well as on every other surface. Josh hadn't been able to deal with the idea of the cleaning lady coming in here, touching the things in here, their things.
The bed was made. It looked as though it was patiently waiting for its occupants to come back. To turn down the covers, to climb in. That would never happen. Neither of them would ever step foot in this room, in this house, again. Sure, Donna was still alive but with every day, every week, that passed, the chances of her waking got slimmer and slimmer. She and Josh both began to accept the likelihood that Donna would never awaken, although neither of them would say that aloud to Serena.
Finally, wordlessly, Josh took a step into the bedroom. Once he began moving, he forced himself to keep walking. Crossing the room, he opened the drapes, allowing some much needed sunlight to filter into the room. Dust from the drapes filled the air and Josh and Zoey both went into fits of sneezes.
"Those need to be cleaned, if not replaced," Zoey said after her sneezing fit had past.
"Yeah," Josh agreed as he turned to peruse the room. This room definitely needed a thorough cleaning. He shouldn't have refused to allow the cleaning lady to come in here all this time; but at the time, he hadn't been able to think rationally. All he knew was that being in here, seeing these things, was just too much for both himself, and Serena. So, he had closed the room up completely.
Several things had worked together to make him realize that it was time to do this. Over time, his feelings had been shifting, changing. Living here, thinking of this house as his home, had gotten easier. At some point, he wasn't fully aware of when, he had begun to think of this place as his home, his and Serena's home.
When he and Zoey began dating, four months ago, his feelings had changed even more. He finally began to let go of the romantic feelings that he had had for Donna. He would always love Donna but now, he realized he wasn't in love with her. Before, a part within him had insisted that Donna would eventually come home and that her bedroom, her things, had to be here waiting for her, ready for her, when she did. Now he was able to accept the fact that that would never happen. Donna's doctors' said that, at this point, it would take a miracle for her to wake up; even if she did, she would have years of rehabilitation ahead of her.
Serena had been the final factor that had convinced him that it was time. Their current bedtime story was 'The Secret Garden'. In fact, they would probably finish the book that night. About half way through the book, Serena had asked him if them keeping the bedroom and study closed up was the like the man in the story keeping all of his wife's things locked up, including their son. Josh had been taken aback by the question and had had no idea how to answer her. The next day, he had sat down with Serena and asked her what she wanted to do, if she felt it was time to go through her parents' things. The little girl had tearfully agreed that it was time but hadn't wanted to help, hadn't even wanted to be here.
When his friends had found out what he was going to do, they had offered to help him. He had turned all of them down, all but Zoey. This was something that he needed to do himself. The more people who were here, the more he would be tempted to escape, to hide in another room while they went through Sam and Donna's belongings.
Serena was spending the day with CJ and Toby. Josh had no idea what they were planning on spending the day doing but he trusted CJ and Toby completely with Serena. They would be bringing her home sometime before bedtime.
"Josh?" Zoey asked.
Josh pulled himself from his thoughts. Glancing across the room, he saw Zoey, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a Georgetown University sweatshirt with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, standing next to the open door to the walk-in-closet.
Zoey was glad to see that Josh seemed calmer now, more composed. "Do you want to start in the closet?"
At her words, Josh eyes widened. The closet held so many of their personal things, it would probably bring up so many memories. "Uh."
She gave him an encouraging smile. "We can work in the closet together?"
Josh nodded, stepping forward to follow her into Sam and Donna's closet.
An hour later, they were surrounded by cardboard boxes. Some were for charity; others were to store until Serena was ready to go through them, if that time ever came.
Josh carefully lifted the last garment bag out of Sam's side of the closet. He was pretty sure that he knew what was inside but he peeked into the bag just to be sure. It was Sam's tuxedo. Sam had worn it at his wedding. Josh swallowed as he remembered that day. He had been so jealous of Sam as he stood by his side as his best man. As Sam and Donna had said their vows, he had imagined himself saying those vows with her. God, it had hurt so much to listen to the Priest declare them man and wife, to watch them kiss. Yet, as jealous and hurt as he had been, he had also been happy for them. They were his two best friends, they were obviously totally in love with each other.
Looking back, Josh knew that even if Serena hadn't existed, or if Sam had never found out about the child, Sam and Donna would have eventually ended up together. He had never had a chance of a romantic relationship with Donna. He and Donna had always had a special relationship, a unique relationship. It was hard to define. They had always got each other in a way that even they hadn't understood. In a lot of ways, they had been like very close siblings. They had bickered and argued yet, when it mattered, they had been there for each other.
He gently laid the garment bag on top of a closed box which held Sam's favorite clothing. There was no doubt in his mind that he had to save the tuxedo.
Looking over to where Zoey was standing, he saw that she was still working on Donna's clothing. Every once in a while she would glance over and ask him about a particular item, whether or not they should keep it, what its significance was. He had actually found himself laughing a couple of times as he had told her stories, things that had happened on days when Donna had been wearing a particular outfit. It was surprising how many details he remembered.
He turned his attention back to the task at hand and began sorting through Sam's shoes. The shoes were lined up, oh so neatly, dress shoes to the right, casual tennis shoes and slippers to the left. Each of the two sections of shoes were lined up from lightest to darkest which caused Josh to roll his eyes. He had to wonder, had Sam done this or had Donna? He could see either one of them doing it.
Zoey carefully folded the outfit Donna had worn at a barbecue held here just a few months before the car accident. The barbecue was the last time they were all together before the accident that changed so much. Well, almost all of them, her parents hadn't been able to make it due to security concerns. They all had been so happy. They all had spent the whole day laughing and talking, their concerns far from their minds. Josh had a picture of Donna and Serena taken that day, kept on his desk at work. She laid the outfit in a box of clothing to keep.
Turning back, she realized that it had been the last item hanging. Kneeling down, she closed the box, overlapping the flaps so less dust would get in. Taking a marker out of her pocket, she marked the box and then stood.
Josh tossed the last pair of shoes into a box for charity. "What man has that many pairs of shoes?" he grumbled.
"Sam apparently," Zoey answered as she joined him.
"It just isn't natural," Josh told her as he stood up.
Zoey chuckled, "I seem to remember you having quite a few pair yourself."
"Not this many," Josh hastily corrected. "Besides, it isn't my fault. My mom sends me shoes." He made a face. "Shoes."
She smiled sweetly. "At least she doesn't send you underwear. Honestly, that would concern me."
Josh just shook his head at her.
"I finished with Donna's side."
Josh swallowed hard. "We haven't done their drawers yet."
Zoey glanced at the built-in drawers that lined the back of the closet. "Would you like me to work on the drawers while you take care of Donna's shoes?"
Josh cringed. If Sam had a lot of shoes, than Donna must have an enormous amount. Yet, he'd rather go through his former assistant's shoes than her underwear. He had seen enough of her underwear years before when Karen Cahill mailed him a pair of them. That thought in his head, he quietly walked over and knelt down next to the shoes.
Zoey shook her head as she turned toward the first drawer. Josh had just turned bright red. Why? She could understand that it might be embarrassing to him to think about going through Sam and Donna's underwear, but that embarrassing? It had been like he was picturing or thinking about something specific. If she hadn't known both Josh and Sam so well, she would wonder if maybe Sam had shared details of Donna's lingerie with Josh.
After Sam and Donna had returned from their honeymoon, Josh had repeatedly asked Sam for details, Zoey knew. It had become a joke between them. Zoey was sure that neither man had had any intention of actually carrying on that conversation.
Grimacing, Zoey tossed a pair of Sam's boxers into a giveaway box. She couldn't imagine wearing used underclothing but she'd let whatever program they gave these things to decide what to do with the garments.
She pulled another pair out of the drawer, then another, quickly putting each pair into the box as quickly as she could. She never imagined she'd ever touch Sam's underwear, nor had she wanted to. Josh's underwear, now that was a different story, she thought, smiling at her secret memory.
As a teenager, during the first campaign, she had been on the road with them all. Traveling so much, they had had to wash their clothes at laundry mats fairly often. Her mother had felt that it was important for her to have a sense of responsibility and had thus made her wash her own clothes whenever there was time.
She could clearly remember a particular day. Her father had had a speech that night but they had arrived in the town earlier in the day than they had planned. CJ, Sam, Josh, Toby, Margaret, and Donna had decided to take advantage of the opportunity and went to a laundry mat. Her mother had sent her along.
A blush crept up Zoey's face as she remembered taking a load of her light colors out of a washing machine. Josh had just finished taking some of his own things out of the dryer closest to her so Zoey nabbed it, tossing her stuff in. Later that day, she had returned to her room and folded her clothing. Mixed in with her own panties and bras, she had found a pair of men's boxer briefs. She had turned bright red and her hands had gone clammy. She dropped them on the bed as if they had burnt her. She had quickly realized whom they must belong to as they had carefully checked all of the washers and dryers they planned to use before they began. She had known that she should take them to Josh but she hadn't been able to do so. Every time that she thought about it, her face would flame. So she had tucked them away and had hoped that no one ever found out. She still had them. As far as she knew, Josh had never realized they were missing.
For months, every time she saw Josh, she would picture him in that pair of underwear. She'd wonder what he had on under his suit, if he always wore boxer briefs. A couple of times, she had caught her mother looking at her strangely while she was imagining those things and had wondered if her mother had figured out somehow. Maybe her thoughts were transparent, written on her face. Her mother had never said anything though and eventually Zoey had gotten over it, till now. She smiled, now knowing he always wore boxers.
Closing Sam's underwear drawer with a relieved sigh, Zoey pulled open the next drawer. It was filled with socks. Nice, boring socks, she thought gratefully.
How do women walk in these? Josh wondered as he turned a stiletto heel in his hand, examining it from several angles. Why did they even try? You would never catch him or any other guy that he knew wearing something like this. Yet, pretty much every woman that he knew wore them. CJ, Zoey, and Abbey all wore them frequently. He was clueless as to why they would wear shoes like this. Knowing CJ, she probably wore them just to intimidate men by being even taller than her natural height. He tossed the shoes into a box to give away.
Zoey had emptied most of the drawers. She had kept a pair of Donna's pajamas and a pair of Sam's pajamas. She didn't know for sure but they looked vaguely familiar. Sam's were a pair of Mickey Mouse pajama pants with a matching top. Donna's set had the Hello Kitty characters all over it. Zoey frowned as she tried to remember. Everything else had been put into the boxes to be given away.
She opened one of the last drawers. Reaching inside she pulled out a neatly folded pair of satin panties. She dropped them into a box and reached back into the drawer with a sigh.
Dropping the last pair of Donna's heels into a box, Josh went to join Zoey. "How's it going?"
Zoey pulled the last item out of the last drawer and slid it shut. Josh's eyes were glued to the item in her hand, she realized. She thought about teasing him but immediately pushed the thought away. Under the circumstances, that would be cruel. She dropped the teddy into a box, closing it quickly. "All done." She glanced at a shelf of boxes. "What do you think are in those?"
Josh followed her eyes. The shelf held five plastic storage containers, each in a different color. His curiosity piqued he crossed the room. Reaching up, he pulled a green box down.
Zoey followed Josh out of the closet. In the bedroom, he set the box on the floor. Sitting down next to it, he gestured for Zoey to join him. He took the lid off. Taped to the inside of the lid was a piece of paper.
Zoey leaned forward, trying to read the paper. "It's an itemized list of the stuff in here."
"And I can actually read it. Donna didn't write this," Josh said after he had scrutinized the writing.
"This is important stuff from her childhood. The list was probably written by her mother," Zoey said as she pulled a small picture frame with several spots for wallet-sized pictures. "These are of Donna from first through ninth grade."
Josh took the frame from Zoey and gazed down at it. Some adults looked entirely different from their childhood pictures. Donna did not. The little girl in the photos gazed up at him with the bright, inquisitive blue eyes that he remembered too well. After a few moments he set the picture frame aside.
"This is her first diary."
He watched as Zoey set the fuzzy coral pink book aside. "How old do you think she was when she had that?"
"According to the list, nine."
"Do you think that we should be doing this? As curious as I am, this is her stuff, from her childhood."
Zoey gently laid the two items they had taken out back into the container. "What I think is that this is a treasure trove. At some point, Serena is going to love this. Through this box, she will be able to get to know her mother." She studied Josh's expression and realized he wasn't ready for this yet. "I also think that at some point, you need to look through this so you know what is here before Serena looks. Just in case there are any surprises. But that doesn't need to be now, honey."
"I'd rather wait." He picked up the lid and carefully replaced it. "Do you think that I should take it when we go to Wisconsin over the summer? Have her mother explain the stuff in the box to me so that I can tell Serena about everything when she is older? Or do you think that that would hurt Kate too much?"
Looking into his earnest eyes, Zoey smiled. His capacity for caring was one of the reasons that she had fallen in love with him. He hid his sensitivity well from most of the world. But it was there visible to those who knew him well. "I don't think so. I'm sure that it'll hurt but it will be a good pain. She'd probably enjoy reliving some of these memories. If you're worried, you could ask her ahead of time though."
Josh nodded in agreement as he picked up the box and stood. "Maybe I will."
Zoey also stood but when Josh approached the closet, she headed toward the door. "I'm going to go order the pizza now."
*************
The doorbell rang and Zoey stepped out of the family room, headed toward the door. Gina followed close behind her.
She accepted the pizza and then went back into the family room where Josh had just arrived with paper plates and sodas. She cleared a spot on the coffee table for the pizza box and then sat down.
Josh took a slice of pizza from the box and dropped it onto his plate. He sunk down onto the sofa next to Zoey. Taking a bite, he glanced at the table, which was covered in photos. The pictures had come from a pink storage container in Donna's closet. Apparently, Donna had stored the pictures in the box while waiting for time to sort them into albums.
"I wonder how long she's had these like this?" Zoey asked before taking a bite.
"There are hundreds of pictures here. I don't think that I have half this many pictures."
Zoey's eyes widened. "I do. Or more accurately, my mom does. When we were little, Mom and Dad took hundreds of pictures of us, between them. I think most of them are in albums though." She laughed. "You should see the stacks of albums that they have. They have them sorted by daughter, by year, some times by season. There is one of the first Christmas season with all three of us girls. My dad loves that one. Every year, at Christmas he takes that one out and wishes that we were that small again."
"My parents were never that big on pictures. I mean, sure they took them but not that many. Most of mine are school pictures or pictures taken once a year at a professional studio. There aren't that many random snapshots."
In a lot of ways, their childhood's had been very different, Zoey realized. She had known that all along but it hadn't hit home until now. Even the small things, like how many pictures of them as a child there were, were different. Both families had loved their children but they had shown it in very different ways, had had different styles.
Josh picked up a napkin and wiped his fingers before reaching for a picture. A smile lit his face when he looked down at the picture. Serena, wearing a pair of red pants and a tiny red blouse adorned with lace and small rosebuds with a red cloth headband holding the small amount of hair that she had out of her face, sat on Santa's lap. Josh recognized Serena as being two; this was taken during her first Christmas with Sam. She was facing sideways so that she could look up into Santa's face. What made the picture so cute was that she had reached up and grasped the man's beard and was obviously trying to pull it off of his face, her face shining with happiness, curiosity, and mischief.
Josh pushed some of the pictures closer to the center of the table, making a small free spot on the corner of the table. He laid the Christmas picture there. Within minutes, a whole stack of photos graced the spot.
"It would take hours to sort all of these," Zoey said as she gazed down at a picture of herself on the campaign bus. She was looking at something beyond the camera and didn't notice that a picture was being taken. Her eyes were wide and awe filled and a smile that she was trying to suppress played at her lips. "I didn't even know that she had taken this."
"I knew that she had a camera with her on the campaign but I never really noticed her taking pictures," Josh mused.
The pictures seemed to only cover the campaign and the years of the Administration. There weren't any pictures before when she had joined them in New Hampshire.
Zoey held up a picture of her father, Leo, Josh, Toby, Sam, and CJ all sitting together on the bus. All six of them were laughing and cards were laid out around them. She couldn't tell what they had been talking about but even then, they had fit so well together. "We should get some of these copied. I think some of the others would enjoy them."
"Yeah," Josh agreed as he held up a picture of the campaign bus. At the very side of the picture, Toby and CJ could be seen. She was obviously teasing him and he did not seem to mind. Josh could tell that he was close to smiling.
The pictures caught small moments; moments that showed that they were human, that even when things were stressful, they could have fun.
"Here's Serena's first day at home after the transplant." Zoey handed Josh the picture. On the back, Sam had written those words. Serena still looked very sick but Josh knew that she had been recovering by then. The little girl looked so happy to finally be out of the hospital.
Josh laid the picture that Zoey had handed him in the now very big pile that he had started. It seemed like he wanted to keep out almost every picture that they looked at for one reason or another. Zoey smiled as she looked at another, a mystery solved. Sam, Donna and Serena in pajamas.
Reaching back into the mess on the center of the table, he pulled another photo out. The photo had presumably been taken by Sam. It was snapped from the side so that both faces were shown. Donna was wearing one of the biggest smiles that he had seen her have; Serena was perched at her waist a look of delight on the toddler's face. Just from the picture, he wondered if they had been spinning around, dancing maybe. Intrigued, he flipped the picture over. 'The day that Serena's adoption went through', he read.
"That's a good one," Zoey commented with a smile. "They both looked so happy. They became a family that day."
Josh set the picture in the pile to keep out and turned toward Zoey.
Zoey laid the small stack of pictures that she had been holding down. A serious one had replaced Josh's relaxed, amused expression.
"I've been thinking for a while now."
Zoey nodded wondering where he was going with this. She could make a joke out of that comment but this didn't seem like the time to do so.
"I wanted to discuss this with you but it never seemed like the right time."
"Okay."
"What would you think of me adopting Serena? Would it be stepping on Sam and Donna's toes? Would it seem like I was trying to replace them in her life, in her heart, her memories?"
Josh's eyes were filled with such uncertainty. He really wondered if there was something wrong with this, Zoey thought incredulously. She laid her hand over his. "Josh, you are already Serena's father. Not legally but in every other way. You love her as if she was your biological child, don't you?"
"Of course I do," he said adamantly.
"That is what makes her yours, not a piece of paper. Whether or not you adopt Serena, she is your daughter. She has been your daughter for almost two years. Neither Sam nor Donna would be angry with you for that. In fact, I'm sure that they'd both be thrilled. They asked you to raise her if something like this happened. They trusted you, Josh, to take care of their daughter."
She paused to take a breath before continuing. "No one thinks that you are trying to replace them. And we never will. Serena was so young when they died, she can't really remember them but you have kept them alive in her memories. You tell her stories about them, show her pictures of them; you encourage her to ask questions about them, questions to you and to the others. You'll never replace them and you don't need to, you have your own portion of Serena's heart, of her memories."
Zoey's eyes had been locked on his throughout her speech. As she had spoken, his eyes had started to mist as had her own. He turned his hand under hers and squeezed it. "I think that you should do it, Josh, she is your daughter. Just do the paperwork, make her your legal daughter." she finished in nearly a whisper as emotion choked off her voice.
Josh reached up to wipe away the single tear that had fallen from her eye. "I love you."
*************
Author: Catgurl83
Title: Changes Abound 4\4
Feedback: Is much appreciated.
Rating: PG to be safe.
Spoilers: Through season five.
Pairings: Josh \ Zoey, CJ \ Toby, mentions of Sam \ Donna
Author's notes: Changes Abound is the third in my Changes series. It follows Continued Changes and Unexpected Changes.
Thanks to Classic She for beta reading this story.
*************
Josh very slowly mounted the stairs, taking each step slower than the one before it. As he reached the top of the staircase, his hand fell limply onto the rail.
Zoey watched her boyfriend concernedly. He wasn't doing very well. She stepped up next to Josh and laid her hand on his shoulder. He nearly jumped at her touch; it was as if he had forgotten that she was there. "Josh?" she asked softly.
Instantly calmed at hearing her voice, Josh turned his head slightly and gave her a forced smile. "Yeah, Zo?"
She studied his face for a few moments. "Are you sure that you are ready for this? We don't have to do this today."
Was he ready for this? Josh asked himself silently. Not completely. Would he ever be completely ready for this? Probably not. It needed to be done. He needed to do this. Serena needed him to do this. They wouldn't be able to completely move on until this was done. "Yes, we do have to do this today."
Zoey gave him a skeptical look.
Noticing her expression, Josh gave her another smile. He leaned forward and brushed his lips over hers lightly. Pulling back, he took her hand and started walking again. They reached the door and Josh froze. Forcing a deep breath, he reached out with his free hand and grasped the cold doorknob. He pushed the door open but stayed where he was.
Zoey stood with him as he battled his urge to run as far from this room as he could. Curiously, she turned her head and gazed into the room. She had never been in here before.
The drapes were closed, blocking out all sunlight, her eyes had to adjust in order to see inside the room.
Like the rest of the house, this room had a wooden floor. Unlike the rest of the house, this floor hadn't been polished in months, years. Dust had built up on the floor, as well as on every other surface. Josh hadn't been able to deal with the idea of the cleaning lady coming in here, touching the things in here, their things.
The bed was made. It looked as though it was patiently waiting for its occupants to come back. To turn down the covers, to climb in. That would never happen. Neither of them would ever step foot in this room, in this house, again. Sure, Donna was still alive but with every day, every week, that passed, the chances of her waking got slimmer and slimmer. She and Josh both began to accept the likelihood that Donna would never awaken, although neither of them would say that aloud to Serena.
Finally, wordlessly, Josh took a step into the bedroom. Once he began moving, he forced himself to keep walking. Crossing the room, he opened the drapes, allowing some much needed sunlight to filter into the room. Dust from the drapes filled the air and Josh and Zoey both went into fits of sneezes.
"Those need to be cleaned, if not replaced," Zoey said after her sneezing fit had past.
"Yeah," Josh agreed as he turned to peruse the room. This room definitely needed a thorough cleaning. He shouldn't have refused to allow the cleaning lady to come in here all this time; but at the time, he hadn't been able to think rationally. All he knew was that being in here, seeing these things, was just too much for both himself, and Serena. So, he had closed the room up completely.
Several things had worked together to make him realize that it was time to do this. Over time, his feelings had been shifting, changing. Living here, thinking of this house as his home, had gotten easier. At some point, he wasn't fully aware of when, he had begun to think of this place as his home, his and Serena's home.
When he and Zoey began dating, four months ago, his feelings had changed even more. He finally began to let go of the romantic feelings that he had had for Donna. He would always love Donna but now, he realized he wasn't in love with her. Before, a part within him had insisted that Donna would eventually come home and that her bedroom, her things, had to be here waiting for her, ready for her, when she did. Now he was able to accept the fact that that would never happen. Donna's doctors' said that, at this point, it would take a miracle for her to wake up; even if she did, she would have years of rehabilitation ahead of her.
Serena had been the final factor that had convinced him that it was time. Their current bedtime story was 'The Secret Garden'. In fact, they would probably finish the book that night. About half way through the book, Serena had asked him if them keeping the bedroom and study closed up was the like the man in the story keeping all of his wife's things locked up, including their son. Josh had been taken aback by the question and had had no idea how to answer her. The next day, he had sat down with Serena and asked her what she wanted to do, if she felt it was time to go through her parents' things. The little girl had tearfully agreed that it was time but hadn't wanted to help, hadn't even wanted to be here.
When his friends had found out what he was going to do, they had offered to help him. He had turned all of them down, all but Zoey. This was something that he needed to do himself. The more people who were here, the more he would be tempted to escape, to hide in another room while they went through Sam and Donna's belongings.
Serena was spending the day with CJ and Toby. Josh had no idea what they were planning on spending the day doing but he trusted CJ and Toby completely with Serena. They would be bringing her home sometime before bedtime.
"Josh?" Zoey asked.
Josh pulled himself from his thoughts. Glancing across the room, he saw Zoey, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a Georgetown University sweatshirt with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, standing next to the open door to the walk-in-closet.
Zoey was glad to see that Josh seemed calmer now, more composed. "Do you want to start in the closet?"
At her words, Josh eyes widened. The closet held so many of their personal things, it would probably bring up so many memories. "Uh."
She gave him an encouraging smile. "We can work in the closet together?"
Josh nodded, stepping forward to follow her into Sam and Donna's closet.
An hour later, they were surrounded by cardboard boxes. Some were for charity; others were to store until Serena was ready to go through them, if that time ever came.
Josh carefully lifted the last garment bag out of Sam's side of the closet. He was pretty sure that he knew what was inside but he peeked into the bag just to be sure. It was Sam's tuxedo. Sam had worn it at his wedding. Josh swallowed as he remembered that day. He had been so jealous of Sam as he stood by his side as his best man. As Sam and Donna had said their vows, he had imagined himself saying those vows with her. God, it had hurt so much to listen to the Priest declare them man and wife, to watch them kiss. Yet, as jealous and hurt as he had been, he had also been happy for them. They were his two best friends, they were obviously totally in love with each other.
Looking back, Josh knew that even if Serena hadn't existed, or if Sam had never found out about the child, Sam and Donna would have eventually ended up together. He had never had a chance of a romantic relationship with Donna. He and Donna had always had a special relationship, a unique relationship. It was hard to define. They had always got each other in a way that even they hadn't understood. In a lot of ways, they had been like very close siblings. They had bickered and argued yet, when it mattered, they had been there for each other.
He gently laid the garment bag on top of a closed box which held Sam's favorite clothing. There was no doubt in his mind that he had to save the tuxedo.
Looking over to where Zoey was standing, he saw that she was still working on Donna's clothing. Every once in a while she would glance over and ask him about a particular item, whether or not they should keep it, what its significance was. He had actually found himself laughing a couple of times as he had told her stories, things that had happened on days when Donna had been wearing a particular outfit. It was surprising how many details he remembered.
He turned his attention back to the task at hand and began sorting through Sam's shoes. The shoes were lined up, oh so neatly, dress shoes to the right, casual tennis shoes and slippers to the left. Each of the two sections of shoes were lined up from lightest to darkest which caused Josh to roll his eyes. He had to wonder, had Sam done this or had Donna? He could see either one of them doing it.
Zoey carefully folded the outfit Donna had worn at a barbecue held here just a few months before the car accident. The barbecue was the last time they were all together before the accident that changed so much. Well, almost all of them, her parents hadn't been able to make it due to security concerns. They all had been so happy. They all had spent the whole day laughing and talking, their concerns far from their minds. Josh had a picture of Donna and Serena taken that day, kept on his desk at work. She laid the outfit in a box of clothing to keep.
Turning back, she realized that it had been the last item hanging. Kneeling down, she closed the box, overlapping the flaps so less dust would get in. Taking a marker out of her pocket, she marked the box and then stood.
Josh tossed the last pair of shoes into a box for charity. "What man has that many pairs of shoes?" he grumbled.
"Sam apparently," Zoey answered as she joined him.
"It just isn't natural," Josh told her as he stood up.
Zoey chuckled, "I seem to remember you having quite a few pair yourself."
"Not this many," Josh hastily corrected. "Besides, it isn't my fault. My mom sends me shoes." He made a face. "Shoes."
She smiled sweetly. "At least she doesn't send you underwear. Honestly, that would concern me."
Josh just shook his head at her.
"I finished with Donna's side."
Josh swallowed hard. "We haven't done their drawers yet."
Zoey glanced at the built-in drawers that lined the back of the closet. "Would you like me to work on the drawers while you take care of Donna's shoes?"
Josh cringed. If Sam had a lot of shoes, than Donna must have an enormous amount. Yet, he'd rather go through his former assistant's shoes than her underwear. He had seen enough of her underwear years before when Karen Cahill mailed him a pair of them. That thought in his head, he quietly walked over and knelt down next to the shoes.
Zoey shook her head as she turned toward the first drawer. Josh had just turned bright red. Why? She could understand that it might be embarrassing to him to think about going through Sam and Donna's underwear, but that embarrassing? It had been like he was picturing or thinking about something specific. If she hadn't known both Josh and Sam so well, she would wonder if maybe Sam had shared details of Donna's lingerie with Josh.
After Sam and Donna had returned from their honeymoon, Josh had repeatedly asked Sam for details, Zoey knew. It had become a joke between them. Zoey was sure that neither man had had any intention of actually carrying on that conversation.
Grimacing, Zoey tossed a pair of Sam's boxers into a giveaway box. She couldn't imagine wearing used underclothing but she'd let whatever program they gave these things to decide what to do with the garments.
She pulled another pair out of the drawer, then another, quickly putting each pair into the box as quickly as she could. She never imagined she'd ever touch Sam's underwear, nor had she wanted to. Josh's underwear, now that was a different story, she thought, smiling at her secret memory.
As a teenager, during the first campaign, she had been on the road with them all. Traveling so much, they had had to wash their clothes at laundry mats fairly often. Her mother had felt that it was important for her to have a sense of responsibility and had thus made her wash her own clothes whenever there was time.
She could clearly remember a particular day. Her father had had a speech that night but they had arrived in the town earlier in the day than they had planned. CJ, Sam, Josh, Toby, Margaret, and Donna had decided to take advantage of the opportunity and went to a laundry mat. Her mother had sent her along.
A blush crept up Zoey's face as she remembered taking a load of her light colors out of a washing machine. Josh had just finished taking some of his own things out of the dryer closest to her so Zoey nabbed it, tossing her stuff in. Later that day, she had returned to her room and folded her clothing. Mixed in with her own panties and bras, she had found a pair of men's boxer briefs. She had turned bright red and her hands had gone clammy. She dropped them on the bed as if they had burnt her. She had quickly realized whom they must belong to as they had carefully checked all of the washers and dryers they planned to use before they began. She had known that she should take them to Josh but she hadn't been able to do so. Every time that she thought about it, her face would flame. So she had tucked them away and had hoped that no one ever found out. She still had them. As far as she knew, Josh had never realized they were missing.
For months, every time she saw Josh, she would picture him in that pair of underwear. She'd wonder what he had on under his suit, if he always wore boxer briefs. A couple of times, she had caught her mother looking at her strangely while she was imagining those things and had wondered if her mother had figured out somehow. Maybe her thoughts were transparent, written on her face. Her mother had never said anything though and eventually Zoey had gotten over it, till now. She smiled, now knowing he always wore boxers.
Closing Sam's underwear drawer with a relieved sigh, Zoey pulled open the next drawer. It was filled with socks. Nice, boring socks, she thought gratefully.
How do women walk in these? Josh wondered as he turned a stiletto heel in his hand, examining it from several angles. Why did they even try? You would never catch him or any other guy that he knew wearing something like this. Yet, pretty much every woman that he knew wore them. CJ, Zoey, and Abbey all wore them frequently. He was clueless as to why they would wear shoes like this. Knowing CJ, she probably wore them just to intimidate men by being even taller than her natural height. He tossed the shoes into a box to give away.
Zoey had emptied most of the drawers. She had kept a pair of Donna's pajamas and a pair of Sam's pajamas. She didn't know for sure but they looked vaguely familiar. Sam's were a pair of Mickey Mouse pajama pants with a matching top. Donna's set had the Hello Kitty characters all over it. Zoey frowned as she tried to remember. Everything else had been put into the boxes to be given away.
She opened one of the last drawers. Reaching inside she pulled out a neatly folded pair of satin panties. She dropped them into a box and reached back into the drawer with a sigh.
Dropping the last pair of Donna's heels into a box, Josh went to join Zoey. "How's it going?"
Zoey pulled the last item out of the last drawer and slid it shut. Josh's eyes were glued to the item in her hand, she realized. She thought about teasing him but immediately pushed the thought away. Under the circumstances, that would be cruel. She dropped the teddy into a box, closing it quickly. "All done." She glanced at a shelf of boxes. "What do you think are in those?"
Josh followed her eyes. The shelf held five plastic storage containers, each in a different color. His curiosity piqued he crossed the room. Reaching up, he pulled a green box down.
Zoey followed Josh out of the closet. In the bedroom, he set the box on the floor. Sitting down next to it, he gestured for Zoey to join him. He took the lid off. Taped to the inside of the lid was a piece of paper.
Zoey leaned forward, trying to read the paper. "It's an itemized list of the stuff in here."
"And I can actually read it. Donna didn't write this," Josh said after he had scrutinized the writing.
"This is important stuff from her childhood. The list was probably written by her mother," Zoey said as she pulled a small picture frame with several spots for wallet-sized pictures. "These are of Donna from first through ninth grade."
Josh took the frame from Zoey and gazed down at it. Some adults looked entirely different from their childhood pictures. Donna did not. The little girl in the photos gazed up at him with the bright, inquisitive blue eyes that he remembered too well. After a few moments he set the picture frame aside.
"This is her first diary."
He watched as Zoey set the fuzzy coral pink book aside. "How old do you think she was when she had that?"
"According to the list, nine."
"Do you think that we should be doing this? As curious as I am, this is her stuff, from her childhood."
Zoey gently laid the two items they had taken out back into the container. "What I think is that this is a treasure trove. At some point, Serena is going to love this. Through this box, she will be able to get to know her mother." She studied Josh's expression and realized he wasn't ready for this yet. "I also think that at some point, you need to look through this so you know what is here before Serena looks. Just in case there are any surprises. But that doesn't need to be now, honey."
"I'd rather wait." He picked up the lid and carefully replaced it. "Do you think that I should take it when we go to Wisconsin over the summer? Have her mother explain the stuff in the box to me so that I can tell Serena about everything when she is older? Or do you think that that would hurt Kate too much?"
Looking into his earnest eyes, Zoey smiled. His capacity for caring was one of the reasons that she had fallen in love with him. He hid his sensitivity well from most of the world. But it was there visible to those who knew him well. "I don't think so. I'm sure that it'll hurt but it will be a good pain. She'd probably enjoy reliving some of these memories. If you're worried, you could ask her ahead of time though."
Josh nodded in agreement as he picked up the box and stood. "Maybe I will."
Zoey also stood but when Josh approached the closet, she headed toward the door. "I'm going to go order the pizza now."
*************
The doorbell rang and Zoey stepped out of the family room, headed toward the door. Gina followed close behind her.
She accepted the pizza and then went back into the family room where Josh had just arrived with paper plates and sodas. She cleared a spot on the coffee table for the pizza box and then sat down.
Josh took a slice of pizza from the box and dropped it onto his plate. He sunk down onto the sofa next to Zoey. Taking a bite, he glanced at the table, which was covered in photos. The pictures had come from a pink storage container in Donna's closet. Apparently, Donna had stored the pictures in the box while waiting for time to sort them into albums.
"I wonder how long she's had these like this?" Zoey asked before taking a bite.
"There are hundreds of pictures here. I don't think that I have half this many pictures."
Zoey's eyes widened. "I do. Or more accurately, my mom does. When we were little, Mom and Dad took hundreds of pictures of us, between them. I think most of them are in albums though." She laughed. "You should see the stacks of albums that they have. They have them sorted by daughter, by year, some times by season. There is one of the first Christmas season with all three of us girls. My dad loves that one. Every year, at Christmas he takes that one out and wishes that we were that small again."
"My parents were never that big on pictures. I mean, sure they took them but not that many. Most of mine are school pictures or pictures taken once a year at a professional studio. There aren't that many random snapshots."
In a lot of ways, their childhood's had been very different, Zoey realized. She had known that all along but it hadn't hit home until now. Even the small things, like how many pictures of them as a child there were, were different. Both families had loved their children but they had shown it in very different ways, had had different styles.
Josh picked up a napkin and wiped his fingers before reaching for a picture. A smile lit his face when he looked down at the picture. Serena, wearing a pair of red pants and a tiny red blouse adorned with lace and small rosebuds with a red cloth headband holding the small amount of hair that she had out of her face, sat on Santa's lap. Josh recognized Serena as being two; this was taken during her first Christmas with Sam. She was facing sideways so that she could look up into Santa's face. What made the picture so cute was that she had reached up and grasped the man's beard and was obviously trying to pull it off of his face, her face shining with happiness, curiosity, and mischief.
Josh pushed some of the pictures closer to the center of the table, making a small free spot on the corner of the table. He laid the Christmas picture there. Within minutes, a whole stack of photos graced the spot.
"It would take hours to sort all of these," Zoey said as she gazed down at a picture of herself on the campaign bus. She was looking at something beyond the camera and didn't notice that a picture was being taken. Her eyes were wide and awe filled and a smile that she was trying to suppress played at her lips. "I didn't even know that she had taken this."
"I knew that she had a camera with her on the campaign but I never really noticed her taking pictures," Josh mused.
The pictures seemed to only cover the campaign and the years of the Administration. There weren't any pictures before when she had joined them in New Hampshire.
Zoey held up a picture of her father, Leo, Josh, Toby, Sam, and CJ all sitting together on the bus. All six of them were laughing and cards were laid out around them. She couldn't tell what they had been talking about but even then, they had fit so well together. "We should get some of these copied. I think some of the others would enjoy them."
"Yeah," Josh agreed as he held up a picture of the campaign bus. At the very side of the picture, Toby and CJ could be seen. She was obviously teasing him and he did not seem to mind. Josh could tell that he was close to smiling.
The pictures caught small moments; moments that showed that they were human, that even when things were stressful, they could have fun.
"Here's Serena's first day at home after the transplant." Zoey handed Josh the picture. On the back, Sam had written those words. Serena still looked very sick but Josh knew that she had been recovering by then. The little girl looked so happy to finally be out of the hospital.
Josh laid the picture that Zoey had handed him in the now very big pile that he had started. It seemed like he wanted to keep out almost every picture that they looked at for one reason or another. Zoey smiled as she looked at another, a mystery solved. Sam, Donna and Serena in pajamas.
Reaching back into the mess on the center of the table, he pulled another photo out. The photo had presumably been taken by Sam. It was snapped from the side so that both faces were shown. Donna was wearing one of the biggest smiles that he had seen her have; Serena was perched at her waist a look of delight on the toddler's face. Just from the picture, he wondered if they had been spinning around, dancing maybe. Intrigued, he flipped the picture over. 'The day that Serena's adoption went through', he read.
"That's a good one," Zoey commented with a smile. "They both looked so happy. They became a family that day."
Josh set the picture in the pile to keep out and turned toward Zoey.
Zoey laid the small stack of pictures that she had been holding down. A serious one had replaced Josh's relaxed, amused expression.
"I've been thinking for a while now."
Zoey nodded wondering where he was going with this. She could make a joke out of that comment but this didn't seem like the time to do so.
"I wanted to discuss this with you but it never seemed like the right time."
"Okay."
"What would you think of me adopting Serena? Would it be stepping on Sam and Donna's toes? Would it seem like I was trying to replace them in her life, in her heart, her memories?"
Josh's eyes were filled with such uncertainty. He really wondered if there was something wrong with this, Zoey thought incredulously. She laid her hand over his. "Josh, you are already Serena's father. Not legally but in every other way. You love her as if she was your biological child, don't you?"
"Of course I do," he said adamantly.
"That is what makes her yours, not a piece of paper. Whether or not you adopt Serena, she is your daughter. She has been your daughter for almost two years. Neither Sam nor Donna would be angry with you for that. In fact, I'm sure that they'd both be thrilled. They asked you to raise her if something like this happened. They trusted you, Josh, to take care of their daughter."
She paused to take a breath before continuing. "No one thinks that you are trying to replace them. And we never will. Serena was so young when they died, she can't really remember them but you have kept them alive in her memories. You tell her stories about them, show her pictures of them; you encourage her to ask questions about them, questions to you and to the others. You'll never replace them and you don't need to, you have your own portion of Serena's heart, of her memories."
Zoey's eyes had been locked on his throughout her speech. As she had spoken, his eyes had started to mist as had her own. He turned his hand under hers and squeezed it. "I think that you should do it, Josh, she is your daughter. Just do the paperwork, make her your legal daughter." she finished in nearly a whisper as emotion choked off her voice.
Josh reached up to wipe away the single tear that had fallen from her eye. "I love you."
*************